EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY

Every day I think of changing my life
Everyday I say that tomorrow will be different
Every day I say I will do this and that
Every day I am sad
Every day I am sad because I didn't do what I said
What I said that I will do

Every day I write down the things I must not do
Every day I write down the things I must do
Every day I curse my self
Every day I wish my life could change
Every day It remains the same

Some one told me last night
That I stand in my way
Every day some one tell me
That I am standing in my own way
But thats all they say
Then they walk away saying,
"THey have to go, they are in a hurry."

Every day I seek an answer'
Every day I am confused
Every day I want to get out of my way
If that was the truth
But every day I am still standing
Where I was standing before
Every day I wish that the people who told me,
That I am standing in my own way
Would tell me how to get out of my way
But that no one helps you with

They just walk away after disturbing you
Walk away,
'I am in a hurry."
Then they walk away
I am still standing
I guess in my own way
But I should be content that
I am still standing
Even when I am in my own way
I am still standing
I should take myself with me
Wherever I want to go to
Wherever the change of life will take me

Everyday I want to change my life
Every day I am the same
Every day I ams ad
Every day I am the same
Every day, every day...........................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

WHEN WILL YOU WRITE AGAIN ABOUT YOUR AWFUL DREAMS?

i am in an awful dream during the day
I am in a play
My play
My fucking play
And the awful dream occur every night at 8pm

The same shit
Every time
The same shit every time
The same shit every time
The same SHIT

The shit for real
I am in the shit
In the shit
For so long
For so long
For so long

No bath will ever wash this shit off
I will always smell of shit
Shit of my own making
Shit of my own making
Shit of my own making

I smell
I smell
I smell
I smell
I smell of shit of my own making

I smell of shit
I smell of shit
I smell of shit
I smell of shit
Shit of my own making

Shit of my own making
Shit of my own making
Shit of my own making
Shit of my own making

My life stinks
My life stinks
My life stinks
My life stinks

SMELL OF SHIT
SMELL OF SHIT
SMELL OF SHIT
SMELL OF SHIT

SHIT
AND SMELL OF SHIT OF MY OWN MAKING

Gourmet shit
Gourmet shit
Gourmet shit
Gourmet shit

Home made shit
Home made shit
Home made shit
Home made shit

Shit from farmers market
Shit from farmers market
Shit from farmers market
Shit from farmers market

Whole food organic shit
Whole food organic shit
Whole food organic market
Whole food organic market

I collected shit from all over the place
I think thats my life
The collection of shit from all over the place
Collection of shit from all over the place

Now its called a play
Now its called a fucking play
Its a fucking play
My life which is a collection of shit from all over the place
Now its called a play

Where is the fucking funding?
Where is the set?
Where is the audience?
Where are the actors?
Where is the money?
Where are the so called expert critics?
Oh! this play doesn't need criticism
Oh! this play doesn't need criticism
Oh! this play doesn't need criticism
Oh! this play doesn't need criticism

This is not a play
This is one of your usual nightmare
This is not a play
This one is one of your awful dream
So you have never stopped writing about your awful dreams
You have been constantly writing about it
You never went away
Your awful dreams never went away
You are constantly dreaming your awful dreams
The stinky, smelly, shitty awful dreams
You have been dreaming your awful dreams
Now you are performing them
Now you are performing them
Now you are performing them

But where are the actors?
Where are the critics?
Where is the theater?
Where is the budget?
Where are the posters?
Where are the lights?
Where ?
Where?
Where?
Where?

Where are you in your life right now?

In shit
In shit
In shit
In shit
In shit
In shit

But you were always in shit
But you were always in shit
But you were always in shit
But you were always in shit

Nothing has changed
Nothing has changed
Nothing has changed
Nothing has changed

But actually something has changed
Yes, something has changed
Yes, something has changed
Yes, something has changed

You have no life
You have no life
You have no life
You have no life

you have an awful dream
You have an awful dream
You have an awful dream
You have an awful dream

Now your dream comes during the day
Now your dream comes during the day
Now your dream comes during the day
Now your dream comes during the day

You have accomplished a hell of a lot
You have accomplished a hell of a lot
You have accomplished a hell of a lot
You have accomplished a hell of a lot

Now you are your own nightmare
Now you are your own nightmare
Now you are your own nightmare
Now you are your own night mare

These awful dreams have continued

These awful dreams have continued
These awful dreams have continued
These awful dreams have continued
These awful dreams have continued

Good for you miss
Good for you miss
Good for you miss
Good for you miss

So much achievement in one life time
So much achievement in one life time
So much achievement in one life time
So much achievement in one life time

Brava miss
Brava miss
Brava miss
Brava miss
Brava miss

So impressed
So so impressed
So so so impressed
So so so so so so so so so so impressed.

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

This one wasn't so awful
Actually it wasn't awful at all
What happened?
Am I healed?

This was a bit un-usual
There was a nice big clean corridor
Next to the corridor was a room without doors
The space was pretty big, open and clean
In the long corridor was a bed
Not a huge bed but a normal size bed
And there was a man lying down
Covered in a white sheet
But his face was not covered
He seemed really feverish
Lots of restlessness and agony surrounded him
I knew in my dream that this person had high fever

He was moaning and groaning
Asking for some thing
I saw his face
He was Obama
Yes, Obama sick with fever
All alone by himself in the middle of a corridor asking for something

I came running to him from the room
I was bare foot and nervous
Extremely nervous
I stood near the bed with my hands totally shaking
Shaking so much that I had to rest them  on the bed....
'Yes, Mr President, Yes, Mr President, what would you like?"
I ASKED SHIVERING TO MY BONE.....

He mumbled
He asked for two things
The first one I didn't understand
I was too afraid to ask him, 'What did you say?"
After-all I knew I was dealing wit the president of United States
Can you imagine......
So I dare not asked about the very first thing he wanted
But I understood the second part of his request
He wanted tea......

'With milk? Mr President"
"No, black."  he said
'Yes, Mr President, yes and yes again....

Now I was looking for some one to make him tea
I am sure some one from his security have to be around
But there was not a soul in sight
Not his wife
Not his daughters
No guard
No security

I knew I had to make tea for him
I didn't mind
Actually it was a pleasure to make tea for him
But I was throughly afraid...

'Am I allowed to make tea for Obama, the president?"
I was asking myself a million time
But there was no one around
And he was feverish
So sick
I know when some one has high fever
Their skin color changes
He had fever
He was dehydrated

I made a big mug of black tea and brought it to him
"Here Mr President, here is your tea."
He took it
I was still trembling like a tiny tree branch in a dangerous storm

I kept asking myself what else did he want?
What was the first thing he wanted before he mentioned tea?
Did he want water?
Should I bring him water?
Should I dare ask him again what else did he want?
Do I dare say to him, "Mr President I didn't understand the first time you spoke.

I didn't understand your first request. Please let me know, "what else did you want?"
But I couldn't
I couldn't.....
I wanted to but I didn't have the guts to question him....
I remember this dream so clearly, as if it wasn't a dream at all
Everything was crystal clear except the first part of his want....

'What else did he want?"
'What else did he want?"
I wish I heard him clearly

Then after I gave him tea and stood there for a while gathering my courage to ask him what else did he want?

I suddenly woke up................

This was day before yesterday...............
And I am still wondering what else did he want?
Did he ask for water?
And I didn't give it to him because I didn't hear him properly
Or if not water what else did he need?
I wish I knew
Then I would have served him whatever he needed...............
I wondered what else did he need when he was so feverish, so sick and so alone by himself....................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I was reading a book or watching a program about some one, a scholar or some big shot
and it was very late at night, I think it was a huge book and the character kind of jumped out of the page, which I didn't realize and went out in the dark looking for him and then that very character was coming out of a tv studio as if in my dream I was reading about some one who also was on tv at the same time....

Does it make any sense?
If it doesn't its a dream anyway
Dreams don't make sense and sometimes they signals about your emotional disturbances
which surface late at night most of the time....

Now I am outside in the street and standing in-front of the TV STUDIO AND THIS GUY WHO WAS ALSO A CHARACTER IN THE BOOK i WAS READING COMING OUT AND i OPEN THE DOOR FOR HIM...............

Thinking at the same time, "Why am I opening the door for him?  I am not a door man
Why am I putting myself in an inferior position, not that door man is somehow in an inferior place but still why must I open the door for this man even if was admiring him earlier but somehow I do, I open the door and he gives me a strange look because its so late at night and there is no one in the street...............What is a dark woman doing in the dark street in the dark of the night?
He seemed puzzled ....
And I praise him profusely like I usually do.......
There is an other man behind him
Seems like a chumcha
Thats a foreign word meaning, "Ass-kisser"
He, the chamcha also gives me non-complimentary looks
And then they leave and all of a sudden I get this urge to pee
And I see the lights on in the next corner
A resturant or something
So I rushed towards the place and I realize that I am bare foot

'Oh!gee what am I doing running bare foot?"
I realize that my foot has been hurting and now I am bare foot in the filthy street with dog shit and broken glass
But I have to pee..............

By the time I get to the corner cafe or whatever it was the lights get turned down and I can't enter the place.....

Now if I was sensible or my dream was I would have gone back to my home which
was on the other corner of the street and gone to my own bathroom to pee....
But hell no...
Its a non-sensical dream and I keep looking for places to pee now getting further away from my home....

AND GUESS WHAT?
NOW i AM IN A TRAIN.....GOING TO ANOTHER TOWN TO PEE..............
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED NEXT................
I BET YOU I PEED IN THE TRAIN AND THEY ARRESTED ME...........
BUT THANK GOD I WOKE UP BEFORE THAT......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

TESE AWFUL DREAMS

iT HAD TO BE SOMEWHERE IN THE BRONX
i REMEMBER THAT VIVEDLY

But there was a junction
A railway junction or some big square with lots of arteries
Leading to so many other junctions
It was widely spread out
Reminded me of Duras's novel, 'The English mint
Where the leading lady murder her maid, chop her up in pieces
and send them out to many trains from a particular railway junction
such as this one in the dream........

And Bronx of my dream was just beyond this junction
And I had to figure it out how to get through this section to
get to my destination

I asked many people about the way
Some kept passing me by and some were helpful
But quite confusing....
Some told me to take a particular bus and then another bus and then another bus
But they couldn't tell me where to get off the first time, the second time and the third time as well

Also they couldn't tell me what number bus to take
So I kept standing there and kept asking strangers for help
But no one was precise enough
I noticed even in my dream that I am very good in giving directions
I mean thats the reason people ask for directions
Because they don't know the way
And if you take that challenge
You should be mighty sure how to guide the poor slobs
with no knowledge of the road......

I mean if you tell them to turn right at some point and their point of desire
is on the left side, you misguided the poor bastard
Who was lost to begin with but now will be completely crazy
ight even chop the head of his companion after suffering the rage of the road
And the heat of august on that road with motels , ugly motels on the road
And no place to cool off.......

So ne has to be very careful in giving directions
I tell people exactly how to get places when I am awake
Only when I am asleep I am lost
And I ask lost people for directions

There is something to be learnt about from my dreams
'Asking directions from the people who are completely lost
And don't know at all even the number of the bus even if they live in the same street
Oh!well, whatever
They couldn't guide me to my destination
I know I had a destination
I had to get to the Bronx
And I had to go to the Bronx
And I didn't know the way
Because in my real life I haven't been to the Bronx

Then the scene changes
The dreams are like movies
The scenes change
Some times it moves forward and some times it goes back
There are flash backs
And then the dream is broken some time
You wake up and you are sweating
Because the fan in the bed room is lousy
Cheaply made in China
Like everything else
I bet you If I dreamt of going to China I won't know the way

I know someone who went to China to marry some young slut
Who is ripping him off and he calls it, 'LOVE'
MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR
'LOVE" ........
Like I have been looking for the Bronx
Not so great a place to go to or look for
But looking desperately nevertheless
'LOVE' IS LIKE THAT
EVERY ONE IS LOOKING FOR IT AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND IT
NO ONE KNOWS THE DIRECTION TOWARDS LOVE.
EVERYONE IS LOST ON THE ROAD TO LOVE

Now the scene changes
I am somewhere closer to it
The place I am looking for
But I am still not there
And I know I have to get two important tickets or cards or passess to enter that academy
Which is in the Bronx
And once I am admitted to it I will be fine
Its seemed like RADA
Royal Academy of dramatic arts in London
If you want to be a serious actor you have to get in RADA
I don't know where its located in London
BUT I KNOW ITS VERY PRESTIGIOUS
And once you are in, you get work in great institutions such as the National theater
I knew in my dream that I was not in London
Thats for sure
I was in the Bronx but the place I was looking for seemed as important as RADA
BECAUSE I WAS DESPERATE TO GET TO IT........

Then I was in a room, or loft or a house
Whatever it was it was very big
The room I mean
And there was a maid
Who was dressing a child who was a cripple
A good looking rich cripple
She was very sensitive with the child
And his dress was expansive looking
He also wore sun glasses
Fancy Italian looking dark, round sun glasses
Like the one's Johnny  Depp wears when he doesn't want to be recognized
Why go out at all when you don't want to be recognized?

Actually its the opposite
You want to be recognized by the whole world behaving like
They are bothering you, not leaving you alone but actually they are dying to be seen
They are afraid they will be forgotten soon and they will be for sure
Every one is going to be forgotten soon
Thats for sure
But actually I like Johnny Depp
I should have used another star's name
They all try to hide behind their most expansive sun glasses
Thats tacky......

Oh! well, this poor little cripple kid was wearing sunglasses such as
The stars and was being taken somewhere by the maid
Maybe he was also going to the Bronx at some fancy school
But I feel that we were both very close to our destination in the Bronx
Me and the cripple kid......
I don't know if he found the place he was going to
But I was moving in circles
Asking people again and again
Making some Americans very angry,
'Miss you asked me before, you asked me which bus to take to the Bronx
And I told you to take one bus, then the other bus, then a third one and you will be in the Bronx,
Now leave me alone, I am very anxious about my own fucked up life and if you asked me one more time about the bus, I will shoot you with my un-licensed gun."

And he took his gun out and every one started to scream and run, but I just stood still
and couldn't move an inch and people kept shouting, "Get away from him, get away from him."
But I couldn't move at all.
For the first time I felt grounded
My feet firmly grasping the hot lava melted road to the Bronx and then he took an aim at me......

AND I WOKE UP......AND IT WAS SO HOT AND I WAS SWEATING AND THE FAN WAS STILL LOUSY AND I COULDN'T MOVE, COULDN'T MOVE AT ALL............................
WONDERING WHAT WAS IT THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR IN THE BRONX?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It seemed like we were all attending a conference somewhere in an Important country
There were lots of men participating in whatever that conference was
I knew somewhere deep down in my heart that he was there also
A man I had once desired
I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All those men in the conference room desired me
I know that
But I was only looking for the one I desired
And desired for so long
I know he was there
Part of the conference
But I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All other men lost my attention
As if they were not there at all
As if the room was full of them but they weren't there at all
As if they all vanished
Vanished like thin air up in the clouds
And their Armani suits were just the shadows of them
Just shadows sitting in those plush chairs in the conference room
They were perhaps there but I couldn't see them
I couldn't careless actually
I was looking for the one I couldn't find
He was there somewhere outside the conference room
I know he was there
Maybe he was drinking champagne in the lounge waiting for me
He also knew that I was there
I know it
I know that he knew

We have been looking for each other for thirty years
We met once
But the time wasn't right
There were restrictions on, 'Love" and 'Desire"
So we contained our love and desire for each other in our bosoms
And moved far far away from each other
And desire became bigger and stronger
And today it will be fulfilled
After such a long time
After such a long long time
I will touch my love
The love I have been desiring for so long
And he is somewhere outside sipping champagne
And the others are asking and answering such boring questions and answers
in the conference room
Their bosoms are puffed up with the salaries they get for hyping themselves up
by saying things no one can understand
Roundabout questions and answers
Just so full of themselves
So full of themselves that their Armani suits are bursting
And they haven't even eaten the gourmet five course lunch
prepared for them yet................

They know everything
They have knowledge of science and biology and philosophy and religion and technology
and they are so important
So very important
Thats why they were invited
But why am I here?
I am not in a suit and I have no knowledge of technology and what it can do to fulfill
Our desires................
I just have desire for the man I met once
He was in white
It was a hoy, hot summer day
In a far away hot land
And we were in a garden
Full of jasmine and daffodils and birds such as bulbuls
Singing, singing songs of love
And we were in the garden
The same garden but on the opposite ends of the garden
He was in white
A white linen shirt
And white linen lose pants
I was also in white
A white flowing dress
It was a hot country
Mostly we wore white
He was on the opposite side of the garden
And he desired me
And I desired him
I know he did
Because I desired him..............

We never poke
But made a promise
That we will meet again
And then we will hold each other and kiss
We will kiss
Silently
We won't speak to each other
We won't say a single word
But we will meet
And we will kiss each other
We will fulfill our desire

And its been thirty years
And he is here
And I am here
And I know he is here
I just have to find him...................................
I loved him once
And I love him still
I just have to find him............................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

i was carrying a huge black bag
A carry on kind of bag
But it was so huge that If I was going to take a plane with it,
They for sure would not let me carry it on the plan
I will have to check it and pay extra money for it
But I am sure in my dream I wasn't taking a flight
I was going somewhere near
As if I was going home for the night

There were lots of people
Women and men
Asking me a few questions
It seemed like as if we just finished a lengthy rehearsal
And the actors were asking many questions
Actors didn't seemed satisfied
Thats not so rare
But in the dream it wasn't clear as if we were in show business
Or even any where near it

But questions were being asked of me about the contents of the bag
And I opened the zipper
And the bag was full of things
So crowded that I couldn't get even my hand in there
There was tons of fruit
Like apricots, nuts, pears, plums,
Even some melons
And there was a huge book
Or at least looked like a book
Maybe it was a huge script
Maybe we were all actors
Maybe we did just finished a rehearsal and the actors were curious about the script
Curious or maybe critical
Critical , is more like it......

They were asking me things such as these
Like ,"What part in the script is against the Quran
And which part is in favor of it?"
And I was telling them that, 'Some parts in the script/book were against
And some are in favor of the Quran
And they asked me if I could show them the real pages
And I tried but couldn't get grasp the script
The bag was too full
And if I interfered more all the fruit will rip apart and the bag will be full of juice and
Everything in it would be stained
And I didn't want that to happen
I felt in my dream that everything in the bag was dear to me
And I didn't want anything to be spoiled

Bag seemed too precious to me
Not the actual bag
The bag was so huge and ugly actually
But the content seemed very special
Especially the book
Maybe it was the Quran
But I know it was not
I know it well
That part of the dream was very clear
But the questions from the women surrounding me were also very clear
They were for sure about the Quran
They were repeatedly asking me about the good and the bad parts

But I couldn't get to the book in the bag
Things were in the way
But I knew I have to do a lot of work when I get to the place
I was heading towards....
I was aware that I had to assign different roles to different people
I had to look very carefully at the script and find things
For appropriate actors...............

So it seems like that it was a script
Some kind of fiction dealing with important subjects
Subjects such as religion and love perhaps
But none of these two topics are of any importance in the 21st Century
'Love" has lost its definition completely
The word, "LOVE" gets mixed up with "Tinder" and all
The digital utopia has also something to do with, "Love"
'Sex is part of love
Isn't it?
And "Tinder is all sex
Thus a big part of love.............

So my bag had some references to the Quran obviously
And ,"Fruit" represented love and sex and the original sin
Maybe there was an apple somewhere in the bag too
An apple which Eve ate long time ago and I was now looking for it
But the apple was eaten
And the one in my bag from the farmers market
was not the original apple
That apple had already been eaten
The :LOve" had already been eaten
So perhaps there was no love in my bag
And for sure no Quran
21st Century ended love and religion
Religion turned into killings
And love turned into Tinder

Such advancement in the world
And I have just learnt the word Tinder recently
While millions are using it
Millions are in love
So love hasn't ended
It has gone into space
Its a cloud ow
Love is a cloud
Maybe that was the title of the script in my huge black bag
"LOVE IS A CLOUD, IT HAS MANY SHAPES AND STILL
HAS NO SHAPE.................
IT HAS SPREAD UPWARDS IN THE SKY
SKY HAS LOVE
NOT US.....
SHAPE OF LOVE CAN'T BE DEFINED ANY MORE......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND SOME ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
 I WAITED AND WAITED
I WAS ALSO NOT READY
DIDN'T FINISH WRITING
OR COMPILING WHATEVER i WAS SUPPOSE TO READ THAT NIGHT
OR PERFORM
PERHAPS IT WAS A SCRIPT
WHICH WASN'T YET COMLETE

This dream is so very vague
But I did dream
Something chaotic in a wide spread way like my emotions
Nothing linear
All circular
Going around and around
I was very un-happy when I slept

I was upset about wasting my whole day under subtle pressure
Not being able to say, "NO"
Being slightly shocked by being surprised and not have the pre-determination
to be able to make a quick excuse to get away from the situation fast and saved my day and my money un-necessarily spent
It often happens
It happens frequently
I am never prepared to get away from a situation of not my making

Can not say, "NO:
Too much sense of obligation
I wonder why?
Some kind of obligation is ok perhaps
But not obliged to the whole planet
So I was upset before I slept
And in my dream wandered around looking for this and that
And not finding it
In this dream I think it was a ride
Some one was going to give me a ride somewhere Important
And that some one was not around
While I was also not ready
I remeber writing
Writing something
But It wasn't enough
I had couple of pages in my hand
Which I put in a drawer to keep them safe
But I was aware that those pages won't fill an hour
So it must be a script
The play can not be so short
At least an hour
Yes, it should fill at least an hour
People are paying for it
Keep them there for one and a half hour
But certainly an hour
Not less than that
Unless you are Fiona Shaw and the script is, "Wasteland."
Thirty seven minutes to be exact and seventy dollars
Well! stars can do everything
But even in my dream I felt the script has to be filled up

I kept the few pages in the drawer and looked for the person
With whom I was going to go somewhere........
Then I was dreaming of colors, bright colors
and food
Perhaps it was fruit
I haven't been eating fruit lately
I have been eating badly
Maybe thats why I go through these awful dreams
But my dreams have been awful for a long time
More like nightmares
I wake with great anxiety and sweat.
I have no friends

Perhaps that is the anxiety
But every one complains of not having friends
But it doesn't seem to bother them
Perhaps I am not busy enough
Yes, thats what it is
Not busy enough
Say it three times to confirm....
;Not busy enough."
;Not busy enough."
'Not busy enough."

People have projects
They don't even have time to call any one or to call back or to even pick up
the phone when some one calls them.
I want to be like that
I don't want to answer the phone when it rings
But my phone doesn't ring much
Some days it doesn't ring at all...................

But I should not pick it up even when it rings
I should not
I want to be like that
Not pick up the phone
Behave important
Say, "NO"  when I am in a situation I don't want to be in,
Say, "No and walk away
But I don't
I can't
Then I am upset for the rest of the day
Then I dream bad dreams

In my dream all of a sudden while I am looking for that some one to take me somewhere
All of a sudden there is a big platform which is covered by white sheets
Some one pick up the sheets and an amazing thing happens
The platform is full of hundreds of colorful bracelets
Glass bracelets
Colorful glass bracelets
Thousands of them
Where am I?
Thats my country
Thats where all the colorful bracelets are being sold
Thousands of them
And women are buying them
So many bracelets and so many women
All colorful
Bright bracelets and bright people
Bright colors buying colorful bracelets under the bright sky....
Where am I?
I am home
Then I wake up................
No, I am not home
I am sweating
The room is dark and hot
I am alone
I am not home
Where am I?
I don't know
What do I do here?
Nothing
Just go along
WHATEVER IS THERE i JUST GO ALONG
WASTE MY TIME
WASTE MY LIFE
JUST GO ALONG
Can't say, 'NO'.......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were three or four men
Seemed like an important conference or a lecture
They all seemed like celebrities
Whatever that means

One of the men seemed familiar
As if I knew him
Not only knew him but liked him at some point in my life
He didn't see me
I was part of the audience
Or maybe part of a class
Not much audience anyway
A few of us sitting opposite them

I wonder if the man was the man I was thinking about
Or just a look alike
In a little while it will be more clear if he is the same one
His face was towards the other speakers
Experts maybe
Men are mostly experts
Like on TV

They sit and speak often interrupting others and shouting
Then the other expert interrupts and shouts
And then the Republican expert shouts
And then the democratic expert shouts and then the TV show of experts is over
But these men were not shouting
I think they were English
English men, experts stay calm
Only the American man, the host shouts
There is a lot of aggression in American culture

Every one is at the edge of anger
Its like they are saying, "YOu want to say something, anything, I will break your bones, I am American, don't you know that? And if you do don't forget it."
So one is always afraid of saying anything
Anything which might not be according to their opinions which were made long time ago.
Its like this, 'We are always right and if you say anything otherwise we will use the stun gun on you."
How about that...............

But that was not part of the dream
In the dream this man, the man I thought I knew was very calm and seemed English
THATS ALL i WANTED TO SAY
Because the dream didn't compare any cultures such as British or American
So lets get back to it

In the dream I was interested to find out if the man who is going to speak soon, speak about whatever...
War or peace
What a joke
The word peace never appears in my dreams
It never even appears while I am awake
But now, since I am so disappointed in my waking hours
I sleep a lot
A lot of sleep is very good for your disturbed days
And the moment I arrive at JFK my disturbed days begin to disturb me

"SAMME? SAME AGAIN?"
I keep saying to myself
'Same what?"
'Same loneliness, same alienation, same lack of funds, same hourly lies of people
who promise to call you but never call you."
Well to hell with people, they are not so important any more
And I say any more because they were once very important to me.
'Oh! they were so important, so very Important, people I mean,
all kinds of people, relatives, off course, so, so, so, so important, lovers, friends, school mates, neighbors, homeless, beggars, passersby, every Tom, Dick and Harry was so important
So my life energy was spent on frivolously important people
So now I have no life energy,only awful dreams
At the end of my dream, I never get anything................
The thing I am looking for I never get it in my dream
Maybe its not my dream actually, its my life perhaps
Its my life which turns into a dream and it ends with an un-fulfilled want..................
I guess thats the best analysis of my dreams
Now I am turning into an expert also like those men
sitting so sternly on those chairs waiting to give us their expertise
But I am not waiting for this particular man's expertise
I am waiting to see if this is the man I once desired and if he is going to recognize me

And then I have a sudden urge to pee
And I leave the room in search of a restroom
When I come back
I can't find the place
Neither the room nor the building
I frantically look for the place
I know I never went very far
I came out of the room
Turned left
Then turned right and there was the restroom
So when I couldn't find the place I repeated the same motions again and again
This time I turned right first and then turned left but no building such as the one I left a moment ago
There were off course other buildings, courtyards, lawns, people sitting on the lawn.....
They seemed like students
So this was a university after all
So those men must be professors
The men I couldn't find any more

I walked around and around
But alas never got there
Then I asked some one
And an ominous looking man told me ,"that building is very special and once you leave it you can't
enter again."
And I told him that," I can't even find it."
And he said, "once you left, that building stopped existing for you."
 and I was so overwhelmed
and I told him that, " I only went to the rest room because I really had to go and had no intention to leave the building for good."
And he said, 'Never mind, restroom or no restroom, you had to know the rules and you had to follow the rules."
And I said, "NO one told me the rules."
And he said, "No one is supposed to tell you the rules, you have to know them yourself."
And he took my phone with him declaring, "You must not use the phone to call anyone inside either."
And then he left
I wasn't going to call anyone in there
I didn't know any one
I don't even know why I was there to begin with
But since I saw that man I became curious and wanted to see if he would recognize me...........
Actually I wasn't sure who that man was
Maybe he was a man of no importance
But I still wanted him to recognize me
Well that is a problem in my life
I think of so many things
So many people
People of no consequence
Things of no consequence
all day long
All day long
Every day and then think of things of no consequence all night long
All night long................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

The room was full of people
Mostly women
It was a center of some kind
Not a shelter
But some kind of fancier a place
It was called, 'NOMAD"

Just from the name I could assume
In my sleep that its a kind of place
Where women, clever women can get some kind of help
If they know how to approach the subject right

I wonder why I was there
Neither am I so clever
Nor have I ever gotten any kind of monetary help
Or any ind of help especially from women
But I was there nevertheless
Because if nothing else I am smart
I knew that even in my sleep
So people use my brilliance of all kinds
To help others who are much more manipulative than me...
Cunning for sure
People are so cunning
Not all of them
But most of them are cleverly cunning
That sound more positive than just being cunning
So I was there
I wonder why?
But I knew in my dream that I wasn't getting any money
Or any other kind of support
I just support others
People sugar coat me with sweet talk and
I like a fool that I am just do whatever is required of me to do

'Are you paying me for this by any chance?
Once in a while I gather my courage to ask them
'Don't you have an Inheritance from back home?"
They say
'What?"
'Arn't you an artist with inheritance?"
They think I am from Doris Duke family
It has happened so often that I have completely stopped asking for money of any kind
From any one...........
I just do the volunteer work
Without being a volunteer.

I hate the word, "Volunteer"
People say, "After I retire I am going to do some volunteer work to keep busy."
"ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOME VOLUNTEER WORK AFTER YOU RETIRE?"
What a joke
And its not so funny
I tell funnier jokes even in my sleep
Since Bill Cosby is retiring, too tired from you know what
They should hire me on NBC or ABC
To fill the gap
I will be better than Bill
Because I am not going to rape women....
Women are safe with me
Thats why I was at that women center called, NOMAD
To help some downtrodden, unfortunate woman in need
I might have just left that center and helped myself
But as usual I stayed....

And lo and behold
One of the woman, a very beautiful and actually stunning woman
Little bit darker, as if she was from the Islands or so
Started to sob and tell all of us how she needs help
Help with money
What else?
DON'T WE ALL NEED HELP WITH MONEY?
What a simplistic statement
So she was sobbing and telling us some tragic story
And the lady in charge told her that she is going to talk to the boss
about her dilemma........

Then the scene in the dream changed
Now we are out doors
Not every one
But some of us
I am sitting on a bench near the courtyards wall and I noticed that
Exotic lady who was crying earlier is sitting on the opposite side of me
She was wearing a black dress with a llow neck
As low as it can get
And a man comes out
Supposedly he is the boss of Nomad
And he stands behind her bench
From where he can see her boobs throughly and completely

And he greets her not with words
But with a kiss
Kiss not on the cheek or any other place
But kiss at her bosom
Imagine that!
I utter those words in my sleep
He for sure will help her
I said to myself
And she would for sure help him
Thats how you get the money
Not with a resume
But with bosoms..............

He leans all over her still standing behind the bench and whisper
Some delicious words in her ears and she lights up
Like the lightning in the sky before the storm.....

Then the scene changes agin
This one is a long dream and pretty coherent
Usually I don't remember my dreams
I don't want to because most of them are awful dreams
But this one I remembered while I woke up because
first of all its not so awful so far and second it has romance brewing in it
Or at least sex is being promised
Thats something in this day and age where people are only
having sex with their iphone

;Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I said to one of my so called friend
Every one calls every one a friend while a friend is so hard to find these days
But I have been looking for a friend since I arrived at the Elis Island
and Haven't found one yet
But the beauty of the struggle of any kind is that eventually you don't
really need or care for the thing you have been struggling for
And that doesn't mean, "Given up."
Like the most modern world says, "Oh! you have given up."
'Yes, you are right.  I have given up.  For sure given up on you, you the lier of the hour."

"Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I repeated myself
I love repeating thats why I am not published
I am not Gertrude stein
Some people can repeat and repeat and repeat but they own art salons in Paris
And have Picasso there on the wall plus in person
I am just trying to have this so called friend with iphone to take her eyes off the damn phone
She still insists that she loves me
So why the fuck you can't take your eyes off off that stupid instrument in your hand
But I digress
Lets forget her
She is a woman of no importance
If Oscar Wilde had not written that play called," Woman of no importance."
I would give this woman, my friend the title
The lady like title,  "A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE."
And that would be the end of the story
See how easy it is to just wipe off people from your slate?
Its like a black board with white chalk and a piece of cloth or even a napkin
Thats why no painter ever painted  on a black board
Everything is erasable on a black board
I am going to have my mind just like a black board and erase
all people of no importance instantly
They were only the figures drawn with white chalk on a black board.............

See how wonderful a treatment I have come upon just by talking to you...
No planning of going to a doctor to find out what to do with all that rubbish
I myself have found the solution to just wipe them off from the blackboard
Blackboard of your mind...............
Their images and their sincerity was of white chalk on a blackboard
I just wiped it off
Now everything and every body is of no importance to me.....................
They were of no importance anyway but I gave them too much Importance
But it just occurred  to me what to do with them
And in an instance they are just gone, disappeared for ever................

So since I am much healthier now let me go back to my dream
So where was I?

Ok, he just whispered something in her ear and she lit up
I guess he promised her money
Wasn't that what she was asking earlier in the room full of women?
Yes, I remember, she was asking for money..............

Then the scene changes again
This is for sure like a movie
Some one should steal this material and make a movie
Since this is on the internet and people steal right and left and with my skills on the internet
I would never know....and the assholes will never give me credit or mention my name ever
Its happened before but hell, let them steal and be somebody because at the end no body is any body......
All will vanish from the face of this miserable world and the fame will vanish too because the other
art thieves will become famous for a while and then die too.....

All right, we are all going to do but lets finish the dream since its been a long time
That I have written about them....
Because the moment I go to pee they all vanish
The dreams are like famous people who stole from others ideas and then vanished...
But strangely enough I do remember the ending of this dream but some how or the other I am unable to get to it today....
The thoughts, my thoughts keep scattering into my stream of consciousness like the singing birds...
Yes, I have birds, lots of birds, cages and cages full of birds who sing to me..............

Any one who steals this scenario and write a screen play out of it please be sure to have lots of birds in the film like Hitchcock's BIRDS but not evil birds but sweet colorful birds like mockingbirds....

In the net scene we are all outside in the street...
The beautiful woman and the boss of the institute named, NOMAD  are standing near a garbage container with a huge , I mean huge blue garbage bag....
There are some other men with them also who are helping the boss and the lady to discard somethings
Into the garbage container in the street
The blue garbage bag is so stuffed that I guess they are trying to lighten it so its easy for them to carry or whatever....
I am not clear about the reason why  they are doing it but they keep putting stuff in the container
Bags after bags are going inside the city garbage container....

At this point I notice three cops standing on the opposite side of this very busy street
and all of a sudden a cops notice this activity and let it continue without any interruption.

So lots of stuff is out of the blue bag and then comes out an other blue bag, a huge bag
that bag is full of cash, I mean brand new notes and thousands of them one can feel
the enormity of heaviness of stolen money even in a dream and I felt it so completely
and then.....that bag full of cash is the only bag which goes back into the original bag,
Of course they don't throw the money in the garbage container, of course not, only the other rubbish
which was hiding the money beneath the rubbish....................

At that very moment the cops move in with their guns drawn
And you know what happens when the guns are drawn by the cops.............
Cops move in and the criminals are stunned.....
How silly to be stunned to say the least............

But in my dream I am unable to figure it out why were they doing this in the street
during the bright sunlight of a sunny day throwing trash in a city garbage container
when they had tons of stolen money on them......
I couldn't figure that out while I was asleep dreaming
And then It seemed like I was back in the center again trying to explain my difficulty
to some of the people......
"But how could you be so stupid to expose the stolen money right in the middle of the street
with tons of traffic and millions of people walking back and forth>
I mean how could you be so stupid?
You can't be stupid while you have been so smart at the same time to lay your hands on so much money for so long and now you are doing all that in the street...................

Is this a movie or my dream?
It can't be my dream
Even the dreams have some logic
These things can only happen in a movie....
So this was a movie
Oh! gee, some one had already stolen my script and made a movie while I was sleeping
and dreaming about it.
People are so ahead of me
The internet is working after all
The so called girl friend of mine was not having sex with a lover inside of her iphone, she was making a movie of my material right in front of me..............
She stole my script while I was wide awake sitting next to her still asleep.....................dreaming
dreaming if birds singing in my movie, the movie I will make some day of my words, my own
very hauntingly beautiful words while she already had the copyright...............
She was a thief like all those people who stole all that money who got caught but I woke up before
I could have the pleasure of seeing her behind bars...............................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It was a performance of some Greek tragedy.
Every one was running around in togas and swords in their hands
I wonder who they were going to kill?
But for sure they were planning some kind of murder.
Swords must be used for some-thing dangerous
But perhaps they will spare people
It was only a play
But was it?

And why there is always killings and terror in my dreams?
I wish Freud was still alive........
Did I suffer from some kind of terror related trauma in my childhood?
As far as I remember my childhood was great
Only in my adult life which had been spent in un-familiar territory
That I have experienced some un-known, un-explained fear
But who knows maybe it was somewhere lurking around deep in my psyche during my childhood

There is always a night mare of me being late, me missing the train, me missing the plan,me not knowing the lines, but I don't even perform so much and the night mares are always about missing the performance or not knowing the script.................

At-least in my nightmares I am always on stage
Or some one is after me with a knife, or a sword, or a gun
Or the snakes are chasing me and dragons are coming at me from some un-known, hidden directions
First of all I can't sleep
Perhaps with the fear that demons will come and join me in bed
And then at 4 in the morning they all come and engulf me with the fear of what I left behind and with the fear of whats coming..................

Nothing much is coming
Thats for sure
And who said all of us have to have a positive, optimistic life?
Not me
Thats for sure
And there is nothing you can do about it.........

And why every one in this un-happy world expects every one to be up beat and promising and positive?
The negative person is never being liked
But all this positive attitude
Positive attitude?  My butt
How can one be positive with Insomnia, then night mares, then no employment in the morning,
then too much fat around the belly, then eating bread and cheese..............and looking at face book all day and reading about other people's accomplishments.
Every one on face book is accomplishing something somewhere............
But thats face book
My dreams never has face book in it...........
My dreams don't even have any face
Just snakes and daggers and devils
I live amongst the devils at night
And what about the day?
I better keep my mouth shut about that
I am already not such a well loved personOnly the devil loves me
Comes at night, every night...........
The dreams stopped for a while while I was traveling but came back with a vengeance when I came back............
Thats interesting
Thats very interesting indeed
The terror is here
The terror is here
Lots of terror
Here.............
At night it comes the shadow
Wasn't that the title of one of my performance pieces?
Yes, it was
And it was done at the Living room on the corner of Stanton and Allen street
Now everything is gentrified and Living room is gone
There is a bar there instead where people are happily drunk
They are also performing their performance art
Gentrification is also a new huge experimental performance art
We are all artists now
The real estate, the city, the builders, the buyers, the sellers.
I wonder if the devil visits them in their dreams or the devil likes non working artists...
Artists?
MY BUTT.................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

We were in a performance space
It seemed like we were no one on the list
But this evening the other group started to perform instead of us while we were already on stage
Now we had to sit still and watch them

My co-star was sitting next to me
He was sitting next to me trying to be familiar
But that was his role on stage only
But he was trying to be familiar on stage

Ok, we were not performing yet
But we were still on stage watching the other performers
Who changed the order?
We have no idea

And my co-star looked like some one from real life
A short man, kind of a hustler
I don't like that person
I don't like him at all
And he was supposed to be my love interest in my lousy dream
But he was trying to flirt with me while other actors were acting
That is so rude
When people do things and keep doing things while actors are struggling with their parts on stage

People should not come to the theater at all
They don't seem to be interested in actors
They are only interested in themselves and whoever is on their phones
I think they have apps to make love right in-front of you with some one inside of their phones
Apps for everything...
Apps for pissing
Apps for shitting
Apps for sex
Apps for killings
Apps for fighting
But no apps for manners
Manners ? What?
Please..............

People with manners are old fashioned
Those people are either dead or gone away to another planet
"What did you say bitch?"
Thats the manners right now.
'I will break your fucking spine you whore"
'You are looking at me you whore...why the fuck are you looking at me for?"
Those are the apps for manners for you right now.
Right now the world sucks
Right now the dreams suck
You dream what you fucking go through during the god damned day

So this short little chubby little piece of shit actor is trying to flirt with me
Its hard enough to go through during the performance but already
while another performance is going on and we are already on stage
Whose idea was this?
Now all are stting is disturbed
I can't find any props
I can't find any chairs
I don't remember my blocking
Which way is the stage and which way are we going to sit or stand?
I have no idea
We have to set it up or actually reset our stage right in-front of the audience
Who are now waiting for the second performance to go on because the first part of the evening is over
But what play are we doing?
Where are we going to sit or stand?
Who else is in the play beside me and this short man I hate in my life?
I have a needle and thread in my hand
Black long thread which I am supposed to give it to this short man before I go on stage
I give it to him
But that is the only thing I remember from my earlier performances
I know at some point during the play he is supposed to sit next to me and flirt with me
And I have to at out the love or the attraction I have for him
But sit where and on what?
There is a dirty looking chair facing the wall
Am I going to sit on that lousy chair facing the wall and flirt with this short fellow?
I can't do it
This is a lousy dream
This is an awful dream
It has to end
And all the audience members are on their iphones
They are texting to their lovers
They have lovers
I mean real lovers
How interesting
They have lovers inside of their phones as well as in real life
No stupid they only have lovers inside their phones
That is their real life
And your real life?
My real life is fucked up
And your dreams?
Can't you tell?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am running and running and running
From the East side to the West side
Late for a performance
Both booked almost at the same exact moment

When I go to the East side
I realize that the performer ahead of me is still not finished
They are running late
Then I worry that I will be late for the West side performance
So I run and run to the other side
There are lots of stairs and people on both sides
People are becoming hateful towards me
They see me running madly back and forth

When I come back again to the East side
I realized that the woman ahead of me is just setting up so I leave and run to the other side
I run fast
While I am running I am also shampooing my hair
I have a long cord for the hand held shower
I am washing my hair at the same time I am running to get to the venues to perform
The performance for which I am late
But they, the other people, the other performers are still not finished performing
So I wonder that maybe I should run to the other Venue on the West side and perform there first
So I run while still shampooing my hair and realize that I have left my coat and purse on the chair where the other performer was setting up her act
So I run back to the East side again to get my coat and my purse

I never make it to the West side Venue
Because there are lots of stairs on the both sides
East and West
Up and down, up and down I go
Back and forth I run
I run and run
But I never make it to any place
Not true....
I do make it to the East side Venue
But I never perform
Because my turn had not come yet
The other performers are behind
And then I run to the West side venue
But never make it there
Because there are so many stairs and people are rushing back and forth
and I can't hold on to the banister
And I am afraid that I will fall
So I leave the West side and run back to the East side
And my turn hadn't come yet..............
In my dream I am exhausted and feel that I am near a heart attack situation
But I still keep washing my hair with a hand held shower and spreading a lot of
water along the way
The road is so wet
I must fall on the wet road
But I keep running
I know in my dream that I am running very very fast
But I never make it to the West side venue and my turn to perform at
the East side venue never comes................

Then I wake up
I am sweating all over
Soaking wet with the fear
My heart pounding and pounding
The room is hot as hell
And I am so disappointed in my self
And I realized that I haven't performed in my awake life for a long time
And I haven't washed my hair since a month.............................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am in a big room
There is a bed in the middle of the room
I am still in my pajamas
There is the owner of the house
I think he is my dear friend
Or maybe my lover
I don't know exactly

He keeps cleaning
Cleaning the kitchen sink
The dishes
The cupboards
We talk as he cleans
I feel cheerful
I know at some point he will come back to the bed with me
So he must be my lover
But he never comes back
He still cleans
He couldn't have been my lover
Lovers don't keep cleaning while there is a bed waiting for them in the middle of the room

Then the dream changes
All of a sudden two women show up
They are very critical of me
No they are not my lover's relatives
They are just two ladies
They criticize me
People criticize me a lot even when I am awake
So I am very sensitive to that
All of a sudden my mood changes
I am not feeling romantic any more
Seems like the real life
No romance
Just the feeling of being un-employed
Lack of money
That feeling kills the feeling of romance

Then the dream changes
I am all of a sudden in a cafe
Surprise, surprise
I am always in a cafe while I am awake
So its not such an awful dream
In the cafe there is another woman
It seems like that I like her
Thats very strange
Because I don't like any one much any more
Actually I hate people
I am full of hate
I love to hate
I hate every one these days
But it seems like I like her
Very odd
And she is leaving for good

Actually thats what I want
I want to leave for good
No, not this earth
BUT GO AWAY SOMEWHERE FOR GOOD
GO TO ANOTHER CORNER OF THE WORLD FOR GOOD
GO SOMEWHERE WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME

Well I can stay here too
No one knows me here either
I mean really know me
Like they knew Omar Sharif
I am his relative and no one knows me
Thats odd

That lady in the cafe is moving somewhere else
We hug and kiss and say good bye
I am trying to be a nice person one more time
Sick of being nice
I want to be evil
If I can have another life I would love to be an evil bitch

We say good bye and I try to leave
And then some evil bitches in the cafe bother me
Bitches always nother me
I wonder why?
Either they are mad that I am a wild bitch
Or not much of a bitch at all
Every one hates me
I want to be like every one else
I want to hate every one
But I just hugged and kissed that lady who is leaving the town for good

I want to leave the town for good
Did I not say that before
I like to repeat myself
Didn't Mel Gusso say that?
He said, 'She has penchant for repetition."
Oh! Well, he is gone
God bless him
But every time I repeat myself I think of him
So at least I think of him
How many people think of dead people
All my dreams are about dead people
They appear at night as if they are living and are still mad at me
THE WORLD IS MAD AT ME
I WONDER WHY?
But who cares?
I do
Don't
Easy said then done

So what else happened in the dream?
I don't remember
But I do remember that I wanted to go some place else
And be anonymous
Wear beautiful clothes
Have a lot of money
Go every where
Sit alone and drink very cold, very expansive white wine and smoke  cigarette like the old times
But never talk to any one
Go every where fancy but never talk to any one
And then come back to a very clean apt with tons of flowers
Let some one else clean the place
Let me not see them cleaning either
Just let them leave before I come back
Sleep with great white pressed white cotton sheets and sleep and then go out to a garden the next day
And read a great book written by Camus
Or Duras or Poe and then go for lunch and talk to no one

Then I woke up
I have to clean my place
Its filthy
No flowers
No white sheets
Just filth.....................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am walking and walking and walking

Going this way and that way

But never getting there

Where ever I am going

It seems like I go there every day

And there are many ways to get there

There are short cuts

And round a  bouts 

I think I am going to school

Seems like I am holding books in my hand

Books and school notebooks

We used to carry things pin our hands

Did I not have a backpack?

No back packs are used in the western schools

Heavy backpacks on children's backs

We carried everything within our arms

We were born somewhere else

Thats why I can't find my way

Its not my way

The streets are not familiar

The people are not familiar

Their talk is not familiar

Everyone understand each other except me

I feel people lie to me a lot

Tat makes me feel stupid

Or they think that I am stupid

She never tells the truth

I know someone

She cuts corners

Never tells the truth

But why should I search for the truth?

I don't

But I can't be loyal to any one unless I feel they are telling the truth

Truth as we believe it

As much truth as we can feel it

Because who knows what the truth is

The only one who knows what the truth is the one who is lying

People respect no one

They tell you that they love you

But thats the biggest lie of it all

Its so easy for every one here to say, "I love you."

And, "I love you too,"

While no one does

No one loves no one

I am lost

Lost in my dream

And lost during the day

I go to the same cafe

'Whats the matter?"

'I am bored."

"So bored."

'The biggest enemy of life is boredom."  I just read it somewhere

Where did I read it?

I don't remember

I just read it some where

ut where?

I don't remember.

I read it just recently

Maybe yesterday

But in which book?

I haven't been reading any books recently

Neither the news papers

But news papers won't say anything so profound

I wonder whats happening with my memory?

Of course I don't remember my dreams properly

The moment I sit down to write about it

It vanishes

It evaporates

It just goes away from my mind

It becomes foggy

Like London fog

What a nice word

,'LONDON FOG."

I used to love London

I used to be so excited about London,

The National theatre

The Tate Modern

The Holland Park

Kensington gardens

Royal court theatre

No excitement any more

And I am on my way to London

But no excitement any more

No excitement at all

All the plays from National theater now come here

Lots of money to pay to see them on Broadway

But I used to go to London to see them

That was far more money than going to Broadway

And I am on my way to London

And no excitement at all

None

I am actually bored by the whole thing

'The biggest enemy of life is boredom."

Who said that?

Can't remember

Where did I read it?

Can't remember

I read it somewhere

Recently

Can't remember

Every thing is foggy like a dream

Then all of a sudden I am on top of the heath

Hampstead Heath in London perhaps?

Perhaps

There is water below

Lots of water

A beautiful view

A long tree ridden path with water on the side

Is it the lake?

Or is it the sea?

I think its the sea

There is lots of water.

"When you dream of water, its a good dream."

My mother used to say

My poor mother

We all neglected her

Left her for London and New York

And now we are bored with both

No excitement

None at all

Water in the dream is a good thing

So this dream should not be titled, "Awful."

It should be titled, "A wonderful dream."

But it wasn't…

I couldn't find my way

On the Heath some important people were walking  behind me

Important people such as Vanessa Redgrave

I met her once

I also met her brother, Corin Redgrave

I have a picture with him

I do

I swear I do

I don't lie much

I want to

I so very much want to lie to every one like every one else

I must

To live here I must lie

Or at least not tell the truth

I even had dinner with Corin Redgrave and his wife at the restaurant

in National Theatre….

That was after his performance of De Profundus I think

Oscar Wilde's De Profundus

Or was it something else by Oscar  Wilde ?

I have to check

But it was a one man show

And he was sick

And he was brilliant

And then we had dinner with them

And now in my dream Vanessa Redgrave was walking behind me on the heath and the sea was below us

Thats a nice dream

I should get excited

Such Important people of my dreams

And I am still bored

Get excited

In a few hours you are going to take the plane to London

You might run into Vanessa there

Corin is long gone

He died……………

'This one is a long route I took."

I say to myself in my dream

But I am confident that I will get there

Even if its a long way

Then all of a sudden I am in a room or a court yard

Many young women there

Wearing Burqa, an Islamic garb

Now I must be in an Islamic country or city or whatever

One Burqa clad woman says to me, "Oh! you are still here?"

"You will be late."  "You will be at least 15 minutes late."  She says

I am hardly ever late in my real life

I am actually early

Always waiting for others to arrive

Always waiting for others

Always early

Waiting

In my dreams I am afraid of being late

I am afraid of missing the plane

I am afraid of not finding my passport.

You better leave this dream behind and get going

You are actually catching a plane to London

Get up and get going

Otherwise you might miss the plane

The planes are like, "TIME" 

The plane never waits for any one just like the time

Time just goes alone, just goes, time flies like the plane

Do you know where your passport is?

Do you know what to pack?

You haven't packed yet?

And you are leaving in a few hours…………

Get up girl

And get going

Get ready

Don't bring your dreams into your real life

In life you are never late

Get up and get your self together

Otherwise your life will become an awful dream

Get up and get excited for a month or two

After all the British currency is double than the dollar

And you are spending a lot of money

Get excited about London

Otherwise it would be such a waste……………………..

Do you know where your passport is?………..

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THERE WAS A FLOOD
EVERYTHING WAS DROWNINGGgOATS AND BOATS ALL FLIPPING INSIDE OUT INTO THE WATER
PEOPLE WITH BUNDLES OF CLOTHES IN THEIR HANDS TRYING TO ESCAPE SOMETHING

Something they were running away from
And running into another source of horror, the water
But what were they running from?
That wasn't clear
There was fog and haze
Lots of smoke
Or maybe it was the color of clouds
There were fiery streaks in the water and up above in the sky
It seemed like a Turner painting
But the atmosphere wasn't that colorful and romantic
It was of chaos

Many children screaming
Running from somewhere and jumping into the water to escape the terror
But they were all instantly drowning
Parents screaming
Women beating on their breasts
Was it a Muslim country?
I have no Idea
But thats where the women beat up their breast at the time of grief and sorrow and death
And there had been plenty of that in Muslim lands
But this didn't seem like a Muslim village
But certainly looked like the 3rd world
Though many streets in the first world look like the 3rd world now
Maybe I was dreaming of the riots of Baltimore
Things burning
Buildings burning
Cars burning
Women beating their black sons not to protest and just go home
Go home and lock themselves up so they can stay alive

Every one wants to stay alive
Any one who is born wants to stay alive
Under all circumstances
Within the bounds of poverty
Disease
Hunger
Discrimination
Injustice
Killings
Revenge
Horror
Sorrow
Pain
Still every one wants to stay alive
I wonder what for/
To stay alive I guess till we die……………………

Then the rescue people started to come
They were wearing protective gear
Like goggles and heavy boots and all that
The rescuers seemed more threatening than the storm
But they were sincere though overloaded with equipment
heavy load to carry to save the drowning humanity
I was standing at the edge of water
Actually not the real edge but a bit away from the edge
I had the sense to be safe
"Don't go near any edges."
I tell every one I care for
'The edges of things are dangerous."
'I see many people at the edge of themselves."
'You are edgy today."
A dangerous sentence to say to any one because even if they are not edgy they will become edgy,"Yeah,
bitch, I am edgy, so what do you want?  You want me to smash your head into that pole?"

So you just made some one really edgy and being on edge is no good.
So stay away from the edge of the platform …You might be inclined to jump or some one else might have the inclination to push you to your death.
Stay away from the edges and edgy people.
The people in heavy rescue gears seemed quiet edgy.
Wouldn't you be if you were carrying 100 load on your body?
The luggage its called
But we only carry it when we travel
But I guess the rescue people are also traveling all the time
From one disaster zone to another

Fires
Looting's
Protests
Killings
Constructions
Road blocks
Crime scene
shootings
Crows
Pushing and pulling and stabbing and stumbling and crushing…..
And we still want to live………….
Why not?
We were born
So we want to live
We weren't born to just die
We were born to live
Thats why we have doctors
Doctors who can keep us alive from the illnesses they are unable to diagnose
Or un-willing to diagnose
Because if they found out the cause right away on your first visit then n one will make
money doing MRI AND THE OTHER TESTING SUCH AS COLONOSCOPY …..
I hate that word, Colonoscopy…..
The liquid one has to drink before that………..
Please…..I have never gone for it though the whole world tells me to go and get it done…….
In this first world where I live now and have been living for so long the only concern
my so called ,"Friends" show is to push me to go for tests, this test, that test, go get your breasts checked, your Ovaries tested, your liver tested, go get an mri for the whole body………
I refused to do any of those because I guess I am too scared to know but that they say is stupid because if you early enough you can cure it…..can we cure anything?
I guess we can…………but some of us are building up the diseases so the death will be easier…
What a laugh
Death is the most difficult thing to achieve.
Death is not easy and who said otherwise………….

As you can tell that its very clear by now that my dreams are occupied by horror of some kind which can be certainly horror of death.  Then during the day I talk about the dream of death I had the other night so I guess my days and nights are pre-occupied by death.
I just wish my name was Beckett.
Then I will write about it all and people will call it an, "Existential masterful play."
But in my case it can be called, "Morbid."  "Fatalistic."  "Depressing."
I am not a fun personality any more
Its because of my dreams
Lets blame it on the dreams and why not?
Every one blames everything on something else or some body else….
'Oh! we did this because they did that."
Thats it.  Thats how we justify doing evil things
Every one wants to be evil.
I am so tired of evil images when I sleep
My sleep therapist told me to meditate before I sleep
Think of roses and Tulips
And white starched ironed sheets…
And healthy soothing organic juices and hot coco before going to bed
I do that.  I diligently think of coco which becomes hot lava and roses which become thorns and meditation becomes border killings by rival tribes to take over others land……….
Nothing really works
I have to give up
I have to stop dreaming
I have to stop sleeping
I have to think of that song
The song Doris Day sang in some movie
"Whatever will be will be…The future is not our to see."
My future is my dream cum nightmares, I guess I can see my future every night…..

Then the dream changes to calm waters
The strom is almost gone
Is actually completely gone
The trees are not shaking with fear and are calm and in control
The water is blue and smooth
The moon is shining and is cool and blue, blue like the color of nile
Everything is so peaceful
I move towards the edge of the water.
I AM NOT AFARID OF THE EDGE ANY MORE
BECAUSE ITS SO SAFE LOOKING AND BEAUTIFUL
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.
THE ONLY THING WHICH IS MISSING IS ALL THOSE PEOPLE
ALL THE CHILDREN, ALL THE WOMEN, ALL THE MEN, ALL THE HORRIBLE CRIES OF HORROR, ALL THE RESCUE WORKERS GONE…GONE SOME WHER…SOME WHERE…
WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?  WHERE ARE THE WOMEN WHO WERE BEATING UP THEIR BREASTS AND HOLDING THEIR CHILDREN BACK FROM DROWNING?
THERE WERE HUGE CROWDS AND NOW I AM THE ONLY ONE STANDING ON THE EDGE OF THE CALM AND COOL WATERS…….WHERE IS EVERY ONE?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I AM CARRYING AN AWFUL AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE
( I guess thats what I have been doing in my real life as well, carrying an awful amount of luggage)
A very heavy suitcase, another small suitcase, then another suitcase, (I guess its my sister's suitcase )
Then on top of all that I am carrying some clothes.
One dark green blanket, a light one but blanket nevertheless, its a dark green blanket with reddish green embroidery at the edges and some other stuff, a jumper or two……Imagine that, the heaviness of it all.

A very transparent dream with a clear message that I have been and still am carrying a huge luggage on my shoulders and the luggage is about the family.
One can call it love perhaps but that love has occupied my whole existence.  But love can't be so heavy.  Isn't love supposed to be light and airy?  Don't you have the feeling of floating upwards towards the sky like the singing birds migrating to different lands in different seasons?

Why the love should drag you down?
I am so terrified of the luggage of my dreams that I carry nothing when I travel which I don't do much any more.  Every thing fatigues me mentally.  My mind is fried up with that fatigue.
That heaviness in the limbs, that heaviness in the heart, that sinking feeling of the dread on the other side…..The other side of the ocean, the heaviness of this side of the ocean, the tension, the worry, the un-known dread, the sense of being no where, the sense of no accomplishments, the sense of nothing, nothingness…..I guess Beckett said it better than me but for me sometimes, no that is a lie, most of the time I have the feeling, the sense of nothingness in my gut….

I look at the herds of humanity rushing by so very busy…
I hear people getting books published….
People getting awards…
People getting rewards…
Being made a big fuss of….
And I say to myself, "Doesn't matter, they are all going to die any way."

Why am I constantly thinking like that for some time now?
I wasn't like that
I know we are all going to die
But I never thought like that before
Even if they are all going to die according to me but they are still having a life
They are not thinking of death all day long, they are just getting awards and going to the party.
I was like that  a few years ago
At least I was going to the party if not getting awards.
I always thought I was the real award.  "ME"  Was my award.  I was my own reward.
I loved myself once
Did I?
I don't know now
You just put doubt in my mind about me loving myself
But I did
I loved my family and through that I loved myself
And then I started to be angry at them for hurting me….
I thought they hurt me, some of them, some of them died and the rest hurt me, hurt my feelings
So I stopped loving them as much as I did but then I stopped loving myself completely…
I guess I was taking revenge on myself for not loving them as much as I did in the past…
and thats when I started to Isolate myself from the rest…………
Now everything thing seems meaningless not only my life but every one else's life as well.

When the Tony awards were announced the other day, I said to myself,"Never mind, they are all going to die any way, award or no award."
I mean I have no right to think like that about other people's lives but I think it any way, who cares about who has the right to say or do or think anything anymore.  Thats why thinking process is one of the greatest secret God given to us.  We can quietly think of anything, we can hate people, wish them dead, hate their skin color, ridicule their height, their weight, their clothes, their style, their manners, their names, their religions, we can be full of hate in our thinking as long as we don't articulate it out loud as long as we remain quiet and silent we can think whatever we want.

Its awful, this kind of mind set but how do we know that other people don't have it.  Eery one hates every one else in this modern era of life style or no one hates or love any one because every one is so self involved and has no time for others.  Like I don't wish any ones death but this reality of death keeps staring at my face all day long so thats why when any one achieves any thing I say to my self quietly, "Doesn't matter they are all going to die anyway."  Perhaps its because there had been far too many deaths in my family.  My mind is so traumatized that it occupies me day and night.

I guess for that reasons the awful dreams should be a good idea because they only frighten me during the night but some kind of vague anxiety lives with me during the day lately…..
What is it?  I have no Idea but its there, very much there.  Some times there is not much difference between the dreams and the day light reality of this most difficult situation of feeling so desperately
alone with no hope and no friends and no community……………….

I was talking to a complete stranger the other day in a cafe, somehow he was sitting very close to me
and looked like a foreigner like me and started to talk….He was from Portugal but born here but
had the sensibility of an outsider.  He said that when we come here we start to seek community like we had in our own countries, (His parents  he was referring to )  And here there is no sense of community
because the only thing which matter here is ,'MONEY.' AND HE SAID HE HAS ALL THE INTENTIONS OF MAKING A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY."
He told me that I was seeking the wrong things, like great ever lasting friendship with people, conversations, trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of achievement, according to him these were not bad things to want but they are not available here.  Whats available here is money and if you want it you can make a hell of a lot of money.  Look at the businesses run by Immigrants.  Look at all the Italian restaurants…. Pasta with tomato sauce $ 18
Past with clams: $ 25
Pasta with fungi :$ 28
Pasta with shrimp: $ 32
And how many millions come for espresso and cappuccino ?

Very few people here are just sitting with friends having heart to heart conversations….
"YOu are looking for the wrong things here." he said.  "Look for money, look for money, look for money."  He said, "And you will make money and your purpose of being here will be clear as clear can ever be."  And then he left.

I thought to myself, perhaps my anxiety is all about the lack of money but it comes out in my dreams of some other ominous shapes such as running around getting no where, running around and around towards death………….but death is not real death, its the lack of money in this rich, rich, rich country.
But what do I need money for?
I can't think of a single thing that I would need enormous money for.
Shopping?
I hate shopping now
Eating in fancy restaurants ?
I am so fat now and I have eaten enough in so called fancy places
the same generic food every where….
'Salmon, Is it wild ?"  I ask the waitress
" Let me ask the manager"  she says
"Its farm fish."  She says
She didn't have to run to the manager, she knows its not wild, its farm but it costs $38
I can go to Citerela, the fancy fish store and buy wild fish and pay less and cook it myself, a little garlic, lemon, olive oil and its ready.  Why do I have to eat farm fish in all the expansive places and pay as if I am paying through my nose which I am actually doing by just sitting there and feeling important.
Giving my money away and feeling important?
What kind of success is that.
The owner of the restaurant is the real Important person.
Buying another designer bag?
Really? Giving money to the designer who gave 5 cent an hour to some pathetic Chinese worker in China to slave away for the designer so the designer can put his or her name on the bag?
Forget it…..
To go dutch with a girl friend who is always on the cell phone?
To hell with it.
To spend $ 150 to see a lousy show on Broadway/
People paid $2500 to see Cate Blanchett….
Please……
And I met Tennessee Williams
Why do I need money?
No,  I don't need money
So what is the anxiety I go through in my dreams?
It must not be about money, it must be about something else
And I am trying to find what that something else is?

This dream of carrying so much luggage of my own as well as of my sister's is the clearest possible dream in such a long time.  The meaning of this recent dream is that I have been and still carrying a burden of love of family on my shoulders and have some incredible guilt of leaving them behind and still constantly needing them for something, for talking perhaps, for complaining about the cold weather and snow perhaps or to gossip about others perhaps, or for laughter perhaps or to talk about our childhood perhaps…..I don't know because there is no certainty in my thought, just too many perhaps…..perhaps….perhaps….

So in my dream I am over loaded with luggage and at some point I put it down near a stair case and Move away front here for a while, I don't remember if I went to get some coffee or went to the restroom but when I come back the luggage is all gone.  I am devastated, I look here and there every where
But its all gone….I begin to cry, cry out loud saying repeatedly, "Oh! my suitcase had my passport, oh! my passport, it had all my money, Oh! my money, I can't go anywhere without my passport, without money,I sob, I cry, I sob, oH1 my sister's beautiful hand made blanket is also gone with her luggage.  I have lost everything but if I can get my passport back and my money back at least I would be ok."
But the luggage is no where in sight……….DESPERATION AND HELPLESSNESS IS IMMENSE
People keep passing me by.  No one notices that I am sobbing.  No one stops to say, "Is there anything wrong?  Can I help."  No, no one.  No one stops.  They have wires in their ears and eyes on the phone and their legs take them forward in quick strides and they don't worry about if they crush someone's shoulder or poke some one's eye out or crush all the 27 little bones in some one's foot.
Perhaps its an airport or a railway station.  Perhaps I was going somewhere since I had so much luggage with me………………..
But now I can't….Now I can't go any where because I don't have my passport on me………
I must be traveling to a foreign country since I needed a passport.  I must be planning to go to a foreign country…..But why?  The word, " FOREIGN"  SEEMS SO "FOREIGN" TO ME RIGHT NOW.
WHY MUST ANY ONE GO TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND NEVER COME BACK?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was huge swimming pool
Maybe it wasn't a swimming pool
Maybe it was a lake
A manmade lake
Like they have done in Dubai

Dubai was just the dessert and they made it into lakes
Its the fake disney land of the rich
A fake city with pools, beaches and the tallest buildings in the world
From where the Philippine workers and Pakistani construction workers fall to their death
or get sunstrokes from such blazing sun and die anyway…….

In the dream that pool seemed like it was in Dubai
But I am not sure where it was
And there was a woman and a man
The woman was all covered in white
From head to toe
Thats why I thought, "Dubai."
Because the woman was covered up
But they usually cover up in black.
Men wear white
At least white is a brighter color if its a cold at all
Women clad in black in Dubai is like they are marching for their own funeral
At least women in black in NY do it for fashion.
Black is the fashion in New york so one can see tons of black coats rubbing against each other
in the crowded subways in the winter………..
But that black is forgiven….fashion is always forgiven like the crimes of rich people
'Strike that down from your statement council."
The judges usually declare silently defending the rich criminals

But the lady of my dream was in white and in a huge pool
On the other side of the pool was her man
It was like that long elegant table of the Royals where only two people, king and the queen sit on the opposite side of each other………….
Since they can't stand each other its a great arrangement.
The king is silently planning the ,Beheading." of the queen so its easy to be far away from her
in case the intimacy makes him change his mind.

In the dream I also want to get into the pool but the lady in white doesn't want me to
I wonder why?
Is it a public pool?
Or a private pool?
If its private then why am I there?
Thats the most interesting question
I ma not allowed anywhere but I am everywhere ….
Sidelines perhaps
Yes, for sure I am on the side lines
No entry for you miss."

Why am I there if I can't enter the pool/
I feel defiant and decide that I am going to jump in
But before I jump in I wake up……………
Gee I couldn't exert my will, my determination, my strength of choices even in a dream
My whole existence seems like a bad dream
Before I will myself to take a positive action it ends………………….

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

All of a sudden the street corner where the shop was closed
'What happened?"
I asked a passerby
'They are gone."
'Gone where?"
'I don't know."
He said

'But how can it be?"
'What?"
He said
'How can it be?  The place was packed to the teeth
How can it be closed so suddenly?"
'They packed and left."
'Where did they go?"
'I have no Idea."
'But you worked for them?"
'I did"
'And?"
'And they left."
'And you don't know anything?"
"Nothing.  I know nothing."

'Amazing, they were friends."
'They were no body's friends"
'They were my friends."
"And you are asking me where did they go, you should know yourself."
'I am shocked, I saw them yesterday and they didn't mention a thing."
'You know that they were very secretive,"
"What for?"
"Spies maybe?"
"Come on, they have children"
"What does that mean?"
'Children, they have children."
'You think people with children can't be spies?"
"I don't know, I don't have spies as friends."
"THats when it works best when people think that they are nice people with children
but they are spies instead, so no one will suspect them."

"I don't like spies."
'You don't have to like them."
"I wonder what I have been telling them."
"What?  You have secrets?"
'No, not me.  But I wonder what kind of conversations I had with them over the years."
'Friendly conversations I hope."
'Me. too. You know when you have friends you talk to them about everything, family, money, sadness,
deceit, love, problems,secrets."
'Thats what they are after, secrets, I hope you didn't reveal your secrets to them>"
'I don't have any real secrets to reveal to them, My secrets were harmless."

And then all of a sudden I see her
'Oh! you left so suddenly, I just saw you a day before and you never told me, you hurt my feelings."
I said
And in my dreams I felt that that was my problem
I felt that any one could hurt my feelings so fast
Every one, every Tom, Dick and Harry could hurt my feelings so fast.

And that was my problem
All my life
People
'Yes, people was my problem."
'People
Nasty people
Good people
Evil people
Criminal people
People who were un-known to me could just hurt my feelings so fast so quickly

'What kind of a person are you?"
'What kind of a world are you living in?"
No one has any feelings in todays's world
Its safe to not have feelings because then you don't get hurt.

'All your life you have been carrying hurt on your shoulders
Hurt by people you don't even know
You don't even know that they exists….
Your dream is telling you your problem
So you can go ahead and quickly solve it.
'Your problem is that you have people of no consequence who live in your head
And you are so worried about them all the time and thats how your time is gone
"Its gone sweetheart, its gone."
You have lived your time as a dream, a vague evaporating dream, the moment you get up
Its gone……………."
"Wake up and stop asking for acceptance from people, first it was parents, then it was teachers, then it was lovers, then it was bosses, then it was critics, then it was nieces and nephews, then it was friends, then it was strangers, then it was anyone."

"i want acceptance from every one and any one.  For God's sake accept me, like me, and if you don't I will be devastated and cry bitter tears and waste my life over so insignificant a person or persons."
'Wake up and start to see what your dreams are telling you.

'Why would you be devastated if your so called, "Friends" packed and left without telling you?"
'They weren't your friends at all."
'No one is your friend."
'No one has any friends."
'Its a myth, this friendship business."
'Your work is your friend."
'Chase after your work."
'Consume your energy in your work."
'LOve your work."
'Be busy."
'I think you live in New York?"
'Don't you?"
'You do and you behave as if you are a bored house wife in Ohio with nothing to do
And chase after people from Cosmopolitan cities because they are so hip."

'Stop being pathetic.  I am so sick of you.  This dream is revealing something to me which wasn't clear to me before."
'Stop giving a shit about people who don't give a shit about you."
'Stop pleasing people at your expense."
Do what you want to do if it serves your purpose."

'Purpose?"
'Yes, purpose. do you have any?"
'Have what?"
"Any purpose?  Do you have any purpose, so you can serve it?"
'What is a purpose?"
'Unbelievable.  I am trying to help you."
'Why?"
'Because you have gone so far back in your life and its purpose that I feel its my obligation to bring you back to your dignity and pride."

'Pride.  I used to remember that word.  "
'Bring it back to the surface, this word, "PRIDE" from the back of your memory right up-front
And read it out loud all day long, "Pride."  'Proud."
"Say you are proud of your self and of your accomplishments."
'My accomplishments?"
'Yes, Your accomplishments."
'Do I have accomplishments?"
Of course but you are yet to be proud of them."
"What are my accomplishments?"
'You dream and then you write about them."
"THats an accomplishment?"
'What do you think?"
'I don't know what to think, these are just some silly, stupid dreams."
'These are not silly, stupid dreams.  If Freud was alive he would be writing books about it
Which the whole world would be reading and talk and discuss about them  and here you are calling them silly and stupid."

'The whole world is making some thing out of silly and stupid stuff and you  have never thought of doing something about it."
'What should I do about it?"
'Learn from it, something is telling you something about you, learn from you, learn from yourself and change, you are the master, you know your weaknesses, your weaknesses is your strength, learn from it.'

"DON'T GET HURT BY PEOPLE ABRUPTLY LEAVING WITHOUT TELLING YOU."  wHY SHOULD THEY TELL YOU?  YOU ARE JUST ONE OF THE MILLIONS THEY DEAL WITH
EVERYDAY."

"OH! i THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL."

"Now that is nice to hear."  "Special is a very special word.  And if you feel that you are special the battle is already won.  Special people have no time to dwell on anything or any body except themselves and their work.  Just dwell on your self…they are gone in your dream and in your reality …time its time, its time's passing which haunts you in your dreams…its time's passing which terrorize you in your dreams and in your real life, now grab whatever time is left and hold it like you hold a precious child."

"THank you, thank you so much for spending some time with me.  I am usually alone seeking some interesting company….but who are you."
'I am related to you."
'You are? how"
"I am your shadow, I am you.  I am always with you, behind you, in-front of you, beside you…
You are not alone.  I am always with you.  You don't need to seek company.  I am always around.  I have never left you, not for a second, never.  I have never left you.  I am with you.  I am you.
You have double love, double affection, twice the affection, twice the love than others
because others have no one with them, others have no relations left, others are always in a crowd because they are afraid of themselves but they don't show it, you are afraid of yourself but you show it,
You are ignorant of my presence ut I am with you in your solitude.  Thats why you can be alone with yourself un-like others because I am with you, always with you."

"YOu got frightened in your childhood perhaps.  I don't know why?  I wasn't there then.  I was not with you when you were a child.  You had your mother and your father and your brothers and sisters.
You didn't need me
So I went away fro a vacation.  But when I realized that you needed me I came back, left everything behind, my fortunes, my home, my jewels, my carpets, my gardens, my sweet smell of roses and came running to you to be with you to take care of you, to comfort you when you are sad, to advice you when you go astray, to feed you when you are hungry, to encourage you when you are down.
You are blessed by the Gods because I am with you.  DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK. GODS WILL BE ANGRY IF YOU DO THAT.  JUST BREATH AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE, WHATEVER WAS GRANTED FOR YOU IS YOURS WHATEVER WAS GRANTED FOR OTHERS IS THEIRS AND THATS THE ONLY WAY THE FORTUNES WERE DISTRIBUTED BY THE GODS.
yOUR FRIENDS PERHAPS ARE GONE WITHOUT SAYING GOOD BYE TO YOU BUT I WON'T DO THAT.  NO, I WON'T.  I WILL SAY GOOD BYE BEFORE I LEAVE YOU."
I AM MORE COURTEOUS THAN YOUR FRIENDS, MORE DIGNIFIED THAN YOUR FRIENDS.  I WILL SAY GOOD BYE BEFORE I LEAVE……………."

Then I woke up…………
It was hot
The heat was on
It was summer time
But the heat was on
I don't know why
i couldn't breath
I looked for you
My shadow
You weren't there
No you weren't
I became sad
Then I remember your words
'Don't be sad, I am always with you."
'But I couldn't see you."
'Where can you be?"
I wondered.
'You are my shadow"  You told me.
You will come at night.
I thought
Perhaps you got tired of me and took a coffee break
But you will come back
I want you to come back
Your words were soothing
I hope you will come back.
'At night will come the shadow."
"I will wait for the night………………………….