THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THERE WAS A FLOOD
EVERYTHING WAS DROWNINGGgOATS AND BOATS ALL FLIPPING INSIDE OUT INTO THE WATER
PEOPLE WITH BUNDLES OF CLOTHES IN THEIR HANDS TRYING TO ESCAPE SOMETHING

Something they were running away from
And running into another source of horror, the water
But what were they running from?
That wasn't clear
There was fog and haze
Lots of smoke
Or maybe it was the color of clouds
There were fiery streaks in the water and up above in the sky
It seemed like a Turner painting
But the atmosphere wasn't that colorful and romantic
It was of chaos

Many children screaming
Running from somewhere and jumping into the water to escape the terror
But they were all instantly drowning
Parents screaming
Women beating on their breasts
Was it a Muslim country?
I have no Idea
But thats where the women beat up their breast at the time of grief and sorrow and death
And there had been plenty of that in Muslim lands
But this didn't seem like a Muslim village
But certainly looked like the 3rd world
Though many streets in the first world look like the 3rd world now
Maybe I was dreaming of the riots of Baltimore
Things burning
Buildings burning
Cars burning
Women beating their black sons not to protest and just go home
Go home and lock themselves up so they can stay alive

Every one wants to stay alive
Any one who is born wants to stay alive
Under all circumstances
Within the bounds of poverty
Disease
Hunger
Discrimination
Injustice
Killings
Revenge
Horror
Sorrow
Pain
Still every one wants to stay alive
I wonder what for/
To stay alive I guess till we die……………………

Then the rescue people started to come
They were wearing protective gear
Like goggles and heavy boots and all that
The rescuers seemed more threatening than the storm
But they were sincere though overloaded with equipment
heavy load to carry to save the drowning humanity
I was standing at the edge of water
Actually not the real edge but a bit away from the edge
I had the sense to be safe
"Don't go near any edges."
I tell every one I care for
'The edges of things are dangerous."
'I see many people at the edge of themselves."
'You are edgy today."
A dangerous sentence to say to any one because even if they are not edgy they will become edgy,"Yeah,
bitch, I am edgy, so what do you want?  You want me to smash your head into that pole?"

So you just made some one really edgy and being on edge is no good.
So stay away from the edge of the platform …You might be inclined to jump or some one else might have the inclination to push you to your death.
Stay away from the edges and edgy people.
The people in heavy rescue gears seemed quiet edgy.
Wouldn't you be if you were carrying 100 load on your body?
The luggage its called
But we only carry it when we travel
But I guess the rescue people are also traveling all the time
From one disaster zone to another

Fires
Looting's
Protests
Killings
Constructions
Road blocks
Crime scene
shootings
Crows
Pushing and pulling and stabbing and stumbling and crushing…..
And we still want to live………….
Why not?
We were born
So we want to live
We weren't born to just die
We were born to live
Thats why we have doctors
Doctors who can keep us alive from the illnesses they are unable to diagnose
Or un-willing to diagnose
Because if they found out the cause right away on your first visit then n one will make
money doing MRI AND THE OTHER TESTING SUCH AS COLONOSCOPY …..
I hate that word, Colonoscopy…..
The liquid one has to drink before that………..
Please…..I have never gone for it though the whole world tells me to go and get it done…….
In this first world where I live now and have been living for so long the only concern
my so called ,"Friends" show is to push me to go for tests, this test, that test, go get your breasts checked, your Ovaries tested, your liver tested, go get an mri for the whole body………
I refused to do any of those because I guess I am too scared to know but that they say is stupid because if you early enough you can cure it…..can we cure anything?
I guess we can…………but some of us are building up the diseases so the death will be easier…
What a laugh
Death is the most difficult thing to achieve.
Death is not easy and who said otherwise………….

As you can tell that its very clear by now that my dreams are occupied by horror of some kind which can be certainly horror of death.  Then during the day I talk about the dream of death I had the other night so I guess my days and nights are pre-occupied by death.
I just wish my name was Beckett.
Then I will write about it all and people will call it an, "Existential masterful play."
But in my case it can be called, "Morbid."  "Fatalistic."  "Depressing."
I am not a fun personality any more
Its because of my dreams
Lets blame it on the dreams and why not?
Every one blames everything on something else or some body else….
'Oh! we did this because they did that."
Thats it.  Thats how we justify doing evil things
Every one wants to be evil.
I am so tired of evil images when I sleep
My sleep therapist told me to meditate before I sleep
Think of roses and Tulips
And white starched ironed sheets…
And healthy soothing organic juices and hot coco before going to bed
I do that.  I diligently think of coco which becomes hot lava and roses which become thorns and meditation becomes border killings by rival tribes to take over others land……….
Nothing really works
I have to give up
I have to stop dreaming
I have to stop sleeping
I have to think of that song
The song Doris Day sang in some movie
"Whatever will be will be…The future is not our to see."
My future is my dream cum nightmares, I guess I can see my future every night…..

Then the dream changes to calm waters
The strom is almost gone
Is actually completely gone
The trees are not shaking with fear and are calm and in control
The water is blue and smooth
The moon is shining and is cool and blue, blue like the color of nile
Everything is so peaceful
I move towards the edge of the water.
I AM NOT AFARID OF THE EDGE ANY MORE
BECAUSE ITS SO SAFE LOOKING AND BEAUTIFUL
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.
THE ONLY THING WHICH IS MISSING IS ALL THOSE PEOPLE
ALL THE CHILDREN, ALL THE WOMEN, ALL THE MEN, ALL THE HORRIBLE CRIES OF HORROR, ALL THE RESCUE WORKERS GONE…GONE SOME WHER…SOME WHERE…
WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?  WHERE ARE THE WOMEN WHO WERE BEATING UP THEIR BREASTS AND HOLDING THEIR CHILDREN BACK FROM DROWNING?
THERE WERE HUGE CROWDS AND NOW I AM THE ONLY ONE STANDING ON THE EDGE OF THE CALM AND COOL WATERS…….WHERE IS EVERY ONE?