I AM MY OWN BIOGRAPHY CONTINUES

Honey
Cammomile tea
Honey again
Olive oil
Lym juice
Roasted goose
Roasted bone marrow
roasted
Everything roasted
Roasted feelings
Roasted dreams
Roasted desires
Roasted wishes
Roasted past
Roasted future
Roasted.............

I AM MY OWN BIOGRAPHY

Agenda
Routine
Practice

Shape it
Clean it
Correct it
Perform it
Publish it

Disappear from the neighborhood
Too much, Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi..........
All meaningless
All bickering
"OH! You lost weight?"
They say
While you have just gained another seven pounds

Another way of ridicule...

"Oh! You have never looked so good."
"Are you a fortune teller?"

"No, I am not.  No, I am not a fucking fortune teller.
I am a fucking playwright."

'I hope you are not offended"
They say...

"Oh! was it an offensive remarke?"
I ask

"NO.  They say."

"Then why must you ask if I am offended or not?"

Every fucking person knows this was an offensive remark.
And yes, "Are you a gypsy?"
"Are you just going to steal my pocket book?"

"And If I was going to steal it, why would I tell you about it, you stupid,
Stupid, racist bitch."

I want to get out of my neighborhood.
Get out of the neighborhood...

Where to?
I don't know yet...
Maybe go to Paris....
Yes, maybe go to Paris...
Maybe go to Paris....

I am going to Paris......
That would be a good idea

Escape
Escape
Escape

Banal
Embroiled
Stasis
Familiar domesticity

Have solitude
By tour self
Go to Paris
Maybe go to Paris.........

THERAPY SESSION

Listen....
You have to get over it
You are hurting yourself
No one else is being hurt but you
You are actually hurting your creativity, your energy, your spirit,
your future prospects...

Future exist till you die
You are not dead yet
You have some hope
Don't cling to the negative
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go

First of all you always do something destructive to yourself
You always surround yourself with non professionals
You put A in and A can't act for beans
and when you put A in, you know fully well that A can't deliver
Why do you do that?
A very destructive act to begin with...
The result of a destructive act is always destruction
and then you take that as a surprise
as if you are shocked by the results
Then you constantly aggress yourself with the surprise
and waste tons of energy on their bad behavior and bad acting
But you knew that they couldn't act...
But I guess that you didn't know that they can also misbehave
So you are not disappointed by their bad acting but by their bad behavior
Every thing is fucked up including you
Its your fault to begin with
Its your fault
Your fault
Your fault
You hear me?
Its your fault

They are not actors
And you do know that
So why do you put them in your shows?
Because....
Because what?
Because...
Because...
Because....

Shut up
Shut up
Shut up

Because no one great is available...

Not for you I guess
Yes, thats true
Why not?
No one pays them
Great actors don't want to work for free
you work for free
I might not be great....

What a shame
What a shame
What a shame

So what's the answer/
The answer is to find trained actors who won't abuse the process
But they work in more estabilshed venues
So this is not the most established venue?
Not really
Its not a bad venue
Its actually a good venue
A very good venue
But not so commercial
Better than lots of other commercial venues
Very good for creativity and freedom
To experiment your work

So thats a plus
Yes, but I wish I had the trained actors

But you never tried to get them
Did you?
I did
Not really
Yes, maybe not
I assume they won't work here
Or maybe not with you?
What do you mean?
You assumed that really trained actors won't work with you
I don't know...maybe?
Why?
(Silence)
Why?
(Silence)
Maybe because I don't think that I am established enough for them to work with me

So you have established the fact in your own head that you are not established
and no one good enough will work with you?

I don't know really....its just difficult to get good actors
to work with you when they don't get paid

But actors know that there is not much money to be made in the theater.
Theater is not to make money..its for your passion

True...
So?
So what?
Then why can't you get good actors to work for free?
Because....
Because of what?
Because...

Because you have settled your heart on getting ordinary non actors...
So you really feel that since you are not so established, you deserve
very bad actors...

No, its to the case..I just can't get good actors

So your choice is to work with bad actors...
No, its not my choice, its necessity
Why have you created this difficult necessity for yourself?
What else can I do?
You can stop doing your shows
But I need to get my work done
But why in such a poor way?
I don't know
What is it that you don't know?
I don't know what else to do?
You don't have many choices?
No I don't...
But you can make one of the following choices
What are the choices?
Either don't do your plays
or do them with better actors
From where?
If you had more confidence in you you will get actors who have
been on stage before instead of getting people who have never
been under the lights...
If you had more confidence in you people will be lining up to work with you
even without any pay....

Its you and your desperation to get any Tom, Dick or Harry
and put them to fill the roles....

You are embarrassing yourself sweetheart...
Don't fill the roles
Get actors to act them out...no matter how or from where
Get actors who have ability to deliver or just stop doing the plays..............
Do one person plays.....
You do it yourself
You act out the part..............
You...
Do you trust yourself?
Then do it
Do it yourself
Do it alone...
Do one person plays
Write them
And act in them
You do it honey
You do it yourself.

EVERY NIGHT, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, EVERY NIGHT

Fucked it up
every night
And nothing any one could do to set it right

So it felt that H succeeded in fucking me up

So what was the attitude?
What was it that S could do?

Nothing...
Absolutely nothing...

So why not?
Why not an effort to set it right?

It was fun for the fucker
Thats why
Thats why no effort was made from H side to set it right

'So what?"
'So what?"

That was the attitude of the fucker
"So what?"

'Its fun to fuck it up every night and still be there
for other purposes...

 great place to visit
where H can have flirtations
hard ons
plus no sweat, no sweat at all to do the right thing
the thing the fucker was there to do
required to do in that sacred space

The purpose
The one for which H entered the space
became the least important for H
It was just the opportunity for H to enter that space
and have the lecherous activity
continue and keep fucking it up
night after night...

"And why not?"
That was the power H assumed
To flirt
To have a date
As if H was coming to a bar
or to a match.com
or to a dating club
or to a brothel

But the purpose for which H was allowed in that particular space
was completely fucked up with the gleeful glee...
and that was the most disgusting feature of the fucker
its lecherous, vulgar, couldn't careless attitude
towards the owner of the space
where H had been allowed to enter
to deliver an entirely different function
which H never delivered
but actually fucked it up every night
and kept up the low life behavior even afterwards
It made me throw up
in the adjacent bathroom
I threw up every night
I feel like throwing up right now
Some people and their obnoxious demeanor
I feel like throwing up again
I have to throw up
Jesus....
And there is no bathroom here
Oh! please
I do have to trow up.....

DISASTER

Just threw me off
The lecherousness and vulgarity of it all and the
deliberate indifference,"Coolness" of it all as if
everything was just fine and working perfectly...
while it was a perfect disaster, the thing H was there for
was a meticulous disaster but H's coolness and opportunity
to misbehave was superb.

While H ignores the surrounding in which the disaster
was taking place and it was taking place in the most
disrespectful way....

HOW TO LIVE?

There is no other choice for you but to laugh away
the ugly reality by making it look absurd.  ?

"Peculiar lack of respect for man as he is." ?
Sad fact of every day life and its existence is that what is missing
is total regard for others. BS

"Escape from reality into world of fantasy and laughter."

Learn that...alright! Learn that...

"Since reality can't be warded off- make it as ridiculous
as possible."

"Try to disarm it by making it ridiculous."

'Disarm them by ignoring them."

NOTES FOR AN ACTOR

Learn your lines
Speed up your speech (Pacing)
Don't use unnecessary gestures
Do not ad-lib
Do not argue with the director
Do not knock down the furniture
Don't try to make teammates against the director
Don't bad mouth the director in the dressing room with the other
fellow actors
Want to keep your job?
Shut up
Just shut up and do what the director tell you to do.
Shut your mouth
Lock it up and throw away the key
Don't be late
Come early
Look at your script every day before the show.
And shut up
Just shut your mouth and do what the director tell you to do.

IGNORE

Ignore or bypass sayings and bad behavior
of people toward you.
There is no other choice for you but to laugh away the ugly reality
by making it look absurd...

Whats missing is respect for the other.

Gogol
An uprooted romantic who never felt quite-at home
in this world and in fact was frightened of it."

OUTSIDER

We don't have strong sense of proportions
We many times see ourselves with other people's eyes
and other people's eyes only...

and see ourselves as ,"Outsiders" "Immigrants"
from other poor countries, foreigners who must
be inferior to be tamed and treated as subservient.

The saddest thing is that we never ever want to see ourselves
that way but when we catch ourselves with that awful vision
we want to run away from ourselves and others and eventually become the
"Outsider" they wanted us to be....

We isolate ourselves and waste all that creative energy fighting the fight
with ourselves not to feel what we are made to feel, what we are forced to feel...

Undoing whats being done to us is a monumental effort
and we are exhausted and to get out of tragic realities of life
we fight with ourselves.          ?????????????????????????

"If you live under duress of history you will be in touch
of malice-(Personal malice) that is Rancor...Get rid of it..." ?

CHEKHOVIAN DESPAIR

Shrinking aspirations
Missed connections
Bottomless hunger

Chekhovian despair

Clarity in Chekhov's ambiguity
Life comic and tragic at once

Illuminating fierceness
Futile attempts to communicate

HOLIDAY IN NEW YORK

Museums
Theater
Parks
Window shopping
Different neighborhoods

Keep busy
Be a cel
No accessibility  to any moron
Reserve
Polite
Distant
eat less
move more
Throw everything out...............

ANOTHER MISTAKE

Shouldn't have H in MS
Shouldn't have H in this one
Kept H for L
Or for P

Too late.......
But not a huge loss
You can be with your self for your own L
And your own P
Through your own B
Lack of it is very good for you
And asserting for your B for P is most important

Difficulty doing p like this is C
No one good is availableAnd who ever gets in is not experienced
Its next to impossible now to do this
Look for P
work as an A
M C T T
One woman shows or maximum two character plays with K

Most important for your social life and prestige is B
Develop all contacts and see important shows on your own
Do your blog regularly, diligently, obsessively........

NOTHING ELSE

Me and my A
Me and my H
Me and my W
Nothing else..............

PESSIMISM

Bitter
Satiric
Caricature
Deep seated pessimism

Disorder
Alienation
Hypocrisy
Deep seated pessimism

Fascination with the madness of crowds
Deep seated pessimism

Hell on earth
Masses of people
Deep seated pessimism

Need to get rid of
Ab c d e f g h i j k l m n o p
Too much time wasted
Need to make acquaintances with A and T people
Every one and everything is known nonsense.
Deep seated pessimism

Its the best of me that disappears
under the influence of aggression
and authority, unjust authority
I detest people
Deep seated pessimism

Cynicism
Scornful
Foul
Hateful
Loathing for false hood
deep seated pessimism

"Its the best of me that disappears."   Gide
"Music is the enemy of I solution."  Gass

'The story telling is rambling, episodic and digressive."

"Never worry about the band playing in the other room."  Quentin Crisp

"You are the band."   BS

Ardor
Passion
Deep seated pessimism

Stay away from trouble
Stay away from people
The main source of trouble.
Empty your brain from their wasteful presence.
Be alone with your work
Expect no M from any one
And take A from no one
Take injury from no one
Take insult from no one
Take assault from no one
Take orders from no one
Take anger from no one
Take aggression from no one
Take nothing from no one
Deep seated optimism

MISTAKE

Maybe it was a mistake but I did make it.

Only when there is a play going on

There is some stability of mind and time

and when the play is over....

The same boredom and emptiness comes back...

It seems like the emptiness sits on the roadside

for the play to be over and rushes fast towards me

on the last day to hug me and never leaves me

till a new venture happens...

But how many new ventures can happen in life?

Some how, somewhere, a mistake had been made

which has brought so much hollowness in my existence....

COMPLAINT PLAY

There is nothing but complaints

Complaints, complaints, complaints

Every day the same promises

Every day the same complaints

For years its been going on

How long its been going on?

For years its been going on

Same problems

Same solutions

Solutions?

Non solutions you mean?

Yes, thats what I mean...

Going backward

Forward march backward

Going forward/

Please...

Give us a break

We are procrastinators

Same BS

Same BS......

Shame on the promise

Shame on the un-fullfilment

Shame, Shame, Shame...

Nothing done

Nothing achieved

Nothing accomplished

Day after day

The same story

Day after day

The same story

Story continues

The story of shame continues

The story of nothing being done continues

The story of nothing ever being done

About those complaints

Nothing is ever being done

Only the complaints

Only the complaints

Only the complaints