ON THE DAY OF EID

 ON THE DAY OF EID

A faint sadness has remained in me since I was 18,

When my elsdest sister, Shammus, a gorgeous presence,

Tall, lanky, happy, generous, loving, the eye of my father

Died suddenly-on an operation table of anasthesia for a minor surgery.

My father was heart broken for the rest of his days.

He could never get over it.

He missed her every day, her elegance, her care for the family,

her absence haunted him. He developed a deep hidden sadness

which lasted his remaining life.

That very sadness has awakened in me like a thunderous storm

disturbing all the occeans.

As a young woman I always watched and observed, 

my father's hidden and not so hidden sadness.

I always felt that sorrow in his expression, his being, his voice,

his brow...

His laughter has changed. He always tried to hide it...

I tried to remain pleasant and cheerful, not to disturb his permanent despair.

But I had been quiet observant since a very young age.I used to see and Imagine

what was not noticeable by others. My brother Arshad and myself, we didn't discuss it

amongst ourselves- we had such pain and we couldn't share it, it was too immense.

But both of us observed our parents sorrow keenly.

Arshad and myself had the same kind of nature and closeness.

All of us, the whole family, we were gentle, humble and generous, 

though we had many reasons to be arrogant and proud but we were extra decent

and our generosity of spirit absorbed more of everything which included tremendous

loss of a loved one at a very early young age.

Arshad and myself shared that sorrow and pain without ever expressing it to each other.

We were quite young for that early first death of a young  sister of ours, she was only 25 years old.

We shared it in our glances in our father and mother's eyes- in our sister's empty bed, in her missing

 laughter and in her ever present style even when she was permanently gone...

In her hand knit cardigans, which we wore in cold winter walks on tree lined roads,

which became silent sharing our silent walks.

We used to silently walk, silently thinking of our dear siter who left us so young, so beautiful,

so full of life, vigor, ambition and dreams.

Yes, Arshad and me shared it silently and profusely.

We had the same humble demeanor and in our humbleness we shared the pain profusely.

The loss, the injustice of it all, the sudden shock together.

That was our strength.  Yes, that was our strength. we were in the same house hold togetehr.

The same court yard, the same flowers, the same smells,

Now, Arshad, my silent strength of a marvellous sibling is not there...and there is no one to understand 

the depth of the double loss, a fresh, devastating loss of another sibling, my beautiful and precious,

brother, my best friend in life...my Arshad...

We were born of the same body, same love, in the same household, same ambition, same laughter...

All gone...all gone in an instant. In a fraction of a second...

No one is there to really understand what has happened so suddenly, so shockingly, so unexpected, so

 unexpected.

Inside of the depth of my soul, a wound is born, a wound of deep purple and burgundy color and Arshad

 is not there to stich it up. It will be ever fresh and bleeding....

It's Eid today and he just died....

We used to wish each other happy Eid, happy new year, happy birthday...we never missed it...

This is the fist Eid after he is gone...

Gone for ever...

It's Eid today

People are celebrating.

I am hurting.

I am at Sant Ombroeus, a very fine cafe...

From where I always called him...

we both loved great cafe's...

I am hurting...

I am crying bitterly...

People are watching...

But they behave that they are not...

In our culture, back home, people will ask, "Are you ok?"

But not here...

And Arshad is not here to comfort me.

I shared everything with him when we grew older...

He is not here to share the sadness of his loss, the deep sorrow of his absence,

every minute, every day, every moment...no one is here...

He is not here to say to me, "HAPPY EID PK."

He used to call me Pk, The initials of my very long name.

Do I dare say, "HAPPY EID ARSHAD?"

MY HEART IS COMPLETELY SHATTERED ON THIS DAY OF EID AND EVERY DAY TO COME.

Identity Crisis

 Identity Crisis

--------------

Helplessness

Catasrophic loss of identity

Shattered Identity

Who are we now?

Do we matter any more?

Humiliation

Incipiant feeling of shame and inferiority

Innocent victims of a western status resentment

To sooth the wounds of trauma, the fears of inferiority?

-------------------

Hardness

Sense of purpose

Ruthlessness

Kindness?

A question

The answer: only from my side.

------------------------------------

That represents a strange dignity.

Selfish, Liar, devious, manipulative.

Most of them, at least the ones I know.

---------------

There is an honesty to it,

Performance with a critical thinking.

------------------

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY

I am happy because I want nothing from any one.

I do not care about money, decorations, titles, or distinctions mean

nothing to me. I do not crave praise. I claim credit for nothing.

-----------------

A HAPPY MAN

"A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future." ?

-------------

'Energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.

You can not help but get that reality. Everything is reality and that is all there is to it. Match the

 frequency of the reality you want. " ?

-------------------

'Good humor is a state between gaity and un-concern, the act or emanalion of a mind at leisure

to regard the gratification of another." S. Jhonson

"Plans of elegance and schemes of plesure, a sense of professional remove.

"Do not feel emotionally or morally stirred. Keep your eyes open and ears alert." ?

------------

FEELINGS OF GRIEF

Just try to distract your self from feelings.

As well as people. Say nothing to people, be quiet.

Best thing to do is stay away from them.

Read books.

Walk

Sit on a park bench and observe people

Tell nothing to any one

Don't express any kind of feeling to any one

Especially any kind of grief.

They are not capable to share it and why should they?

That's how they think.

''Why should they share your grief?"

First of all they have no idea what grief is...

So how can they share it?

Also it's not their grief.

It's yours

It's your problem

Your burden...

Deal with it

Or don't,

But don't open your mouth to any one...

Keep quiet

No one can console you

Your grief is huge

They are in a hurry...

They are not used to sharing

Not even a slice of Pizza...

You expect them to share your grief?

What's wrong with you?

Ask your self this question

Begin,

"What's wrong with you?"

Be quiet and take a solitary walk,

And when you are too tired

Sit on a park bench

And talk to the birds...

They will talk back to you.

They will chirp...

They are sharing no matter what ever you are going through...

---------------

SAMUEL JOHNSON

"Good humor is a state between gaity and un-concern, the act or emanalion

of a mind at leisure to regard the gratification of another."

"Planes of elegance and schemes of pleasure."

"Luxury of idleness."

"A man who knows his own fidelity and usefulness is never willing to sink into a companion."

"A man of great qualities should not want ornaments of superficial attracions."

"I write to inquire by what means I may recover my tranquility."

"The day rose and set and the year went round unregarded,

'Had not enlarged either by books or conversation."

----------------

MEMORY PLAY

Dim lighting

Sentimentality

Lack of realism

Yearning

Despair

Passion

Tenderness

Sense of abandonment

Intimacy of the story

Ebbs away

A big beating heart.

----------------

THE STRAIN OF CALLOUSNESS

Nothing matters to you except your control over others,

Your apathy, no matter how urgent the situation is for others.

In the nutshell, others don't matter to you, your niceness is just superficial.

There was no trace of grief in you for any one.

How could you share grief when you had none.

For you it was one more opportunity to be fake.

A dark art. But a fun art for you, fun art of manipulation.

You don't think that any one can understand your game, do you?

Do you think that everyone is stupid?

I guess so. Thats what you think...

For you it's nothing un-usual but your normal day of control of your time,

Control of your enviorment and control over others feelins and intelligence...

But that's the only thing you can't control. Other people's intelligence and feelings...

A sure test of the truth in this lousy world.

You can control your motivation and the lack of it,  your intention and the lack of it, your interests,

Like you come first, other things can wait till eternity but honey you can't control others intelligence...

It's god's gift, people can feel , if not right away, after a while that you come from a fake, insincere

 premise and can't fool anyone after that.

You think that if you keep making un-believable excuses for a long time, things will fade away

and no one will be able to figure it out...

But sweetheart, the lies, the lack of love, the real lack of affection and the truth and hurt speaks it's

 disappointment loudly and then you are completely forgotten finally.

-----------------

"Confine yourself to the present.

Only attend to yourself.

Look for the rational ruling look within.

Retire into yourself.

It's characteristic of the rational ruling faculty to be satisfied with its own rightous dealing

 and the pace which that brings."

----------------

 A:" Are you writing poems again?

B:  Just relearning how to hold a pen in my hand and scribble something on a plain white sheet.

A:  Then maybe a poem will be born?"

B:  " YES, IF LUCK FAVORS ME AGAIN."

DIARY OF A THOUGHT PART 2

DIARY OF A THOUGHT PART 2

WORDS...

On a lazy unproductive day

Write something in the form of

monollogues, fragments of poems

poems un-written....

Poems in your heart in the shape of broken,

crushed thoughts...pierced feelings

broken promises...

Happy joyful remorse

Regrets, lack of something

Something haunting your soul

Hurt, anger, love, hatred

Something vague, always troubling

Always vague...

That desire of finding whatever...

You are looking for.

Something which you have lost...

Something which will never come back...

Write about that...

On a sorrowful day,

On an un-productive day

Do an exercise of expression

Instantanious expression...

Impulsive impression

Satirical expression.

Words, words, words...

Geography of words...

Situation of words...

Heart breaking words...

Silently moving, dancing, singing words...

Kind words, sorrowful words...

Aching, heart throbbing words.

Just write, words, words, words on a sad un-productive day.

"YOU THE STRANGER"

Give your warmth to your own poems.

Give your precious time to your own soul.

To your own aching heart.

This way you will save a fortune...

Fortune, in the form of precious gems...

Your poems are your gems...

Your reward in the shape of Oscar Wild's

Topaz, Rubies, Saphires...

And with that kind of reward

You will create poems...

Poems are no less than diamonds

A real fortune created by you and only you

No one else...

That's for sure, no one else...

Be a stranger to the most busy bodies in the world...

Didn't Racine, that great French poet said something like this?

"Its a pity that you waste so much time on trifles."

You, the perfect stranger...

Learn something from Racine.

"YOU TOLD ME."

You told me, "That you are busy."

You told me again that, "You are busy."

Now I don't think of you...

Neither do I miss you...

Now I am always with a book.

If I was with you-I won't be able to concentrate

On Boudelaire, Rimbaud, Camus, Rumi and Rilke...

I am so glad that now I am with my poems.

SISTER

"She for sure lives a better life than you."

And you?

'Think not so much of what you lack"

'As of what you have."

"Be happy for her"

"I am..."

'But he has stolen her from me."

IN A LITTLE WHILE

"In a little while you will have

forgotten everything,

In a little while-everything will have forgotten you."  M-Aurelius

THINGS

"Things which are external to my mind

Have no relation at all to my mind.

Let this be the state of your effects

And you will, and you will stand erect." M-Aurelius

ENTHUSIASM

Some time,

Actually, most of the time,

You meet people who seem very-very nice

And enthusiastic to meet you again...

"Here is my phone number, please call me,

I would love to go out with you for a drink

And talk more..."

"Sure."  You say...

Then, next to their phone number you write little notes,

Such as, "Important." and how did you meet them

 And where did you meet them?

So you won't forget.

And they seem so nice that you won't mind meeting them again.

After a week or so, you call.

They don't pick up...

You leave a text message-reminding them

How you two met...

And tell them that it would be very nice to meet for a drink.

You wait for a week or so and then call again...

Some people won't call at all but an idiot like me,

Give them a second chance...

Because they kind of seemed sincere at that moment...

The moment when we met for the first time...

So you call again, or leave a text message...

Wait a few days...

No response, none.

I always wonder, 

"Why the hell did they give me their phone number so enthusiastically?"

Then you forget about them completely.

But I guess, they forgot about you the moment

They played that sweet little game...

Why do they do that?

I am always curious to know the reason...

PURPOSE OF LIFE

BODY LIFE:  Diet, sleep, excercise

HEART LIFE:  Emotions

SPIRTUAL LIFE:  Ethics-morals.

My life: 

Heart life...full

the other end Spirtual life...full

Bdy life:  missing

CEASED TO EXIST

And when there is silence on the other end...

I know he has ceased to exist.

Everthing else is a lie...

People keep saying, " He is with you."

"He is with you."

"Where is he?" 'Where is he?"

"He is with you."  They say

"He is with me? Where is he?"

"Why can't I see him?"

"Why can't I talk to him?"

"Why doesn't he call me any more?"

MAD

He doesn't remember me

He is mad.

I remember him

I am mad.

MY LOVE

She is beautifully dressed

Pink and silver stripped long dress...

sleeveless-cool

She has nice skin, olive brown

She has a tiny stylish tatoo on her bare back

Dangling bracelets, gold and purple

I know, she can sing...

Her songs must be like the singing birds...

I am sure, she is from the South...

She is my love.

Then I woke up...

She was next to me--

Singing a melodious song.

Then---she was gone.

FINISHED

You see,

It's done.

Finished.

If you didn't start it

It won't come to an end.

It's good to start something and then

Finish it...

But what's the point?

Would this scribble ever make a dollar?

Weel! that's not the purpose

What's the purpose then?

Your page was blank

And now it's full of words.

Words...words...words

Sexy words, soothing words, angry words,

Dancing on the page...

Your own words...

The page full of your own words...

The singing birds...

Creation of your soul...

Worth a million dollars...

Just starts and then finish it.

See, you created something...

Gave birth to something...

Your own...

You own your words.

Precious...isn't it?

What else is better?

Tell me...

What's better?

What else do you want to own than diamonds?

IN THE NAME OF LOVE

In the name of love

You destroyed me

In the name of love,

 the damage was done...

In the name of love,

In the name of love

You hurt my eyes...

I cried...

In the name of love,

My eyes lost the luster

My eyes never smiled again.

In the name of love,

My tears kept flowing...

In the name of love,

I left you...

In the name of love,

I never wanted to see you again...

In the name of love,

I accomplished that.

In the name of love,

I never saw you again!

DUSK

At dusk,

I long for something...

Something I lost...

Something which will never come back...

That something,

I long for at the time

Of that golden dusk...

When people are coming back home...

To be with their loved ones...

You will never come back...

That's what I long for...

For you to come back home...

At the time of dusk...

Come back...

That's what I long for...

SIN

Victor Hugo said, 

"The poet is only limited by his sin."

And I am not a sinner.

WAIT

You made me wait

You made me wait again

You made me wait

You made me wait again...

Why would I come to you?

Give me one good reason...

FRIENDS

Nothing wrong with having friends

It's just that I was the one who loved...

I wasn't loved back.

Why would I now bother?

"Why would I come to you?

Give me one good reason..."

WORK

If you had a very strong will power

And love of your work,

Actually respect for your work,

You could live without most of the people

For a very long time.

CHILDREN

Children are expressive

And un-afraid

Children will talk to any one

And are always ready to listen...

Unless parents have frightened them

Of strangers, especially the strangers with dark skin

Brown eyes and black hair...

Children in the third world countries

Are freeer...than the first world's children...

In the third world, they all have dark skin

And black hair...

Here children have been made frightened

Of someone like me...and I am a chidren's doctor

INVENT BY DURAS

"I invent people

And I talk to them.

Since I have no friends...

I invent enemies...

I talk to the enemies...

I insult them."

PAIN

"If some pain was deadened,

I would force myself

To want some thing, 

However hard it might be."     M. Duras

APATHY

Try to fight apathy

Go out and be away from yourself...

Go out and watch people...

What ever they do

How they behave

Without expectations of any benefit or affection...

Just go out and about...

Don't expect any favors, help or love...

Not even any respect...

Expecting respect is very dangerous 

And will increase your apathy...

That's for sure...

You better respect yourself...

Respect yourself, every second, every minute,

Every day of the month, every month of the year

Leave home with lots of respect for yourself

And come back with even more...

Just be above your wants...

And be productive...

That is the only instrument

Which will take care of your apathy...

It will make apathy fly away like the singing birds

Who migrate to different lands in different seasons.

DIARY OF A THOUGHT

 DIARY OF A THOUGHT

"You must never write things down...

not things of that sort".      Maupassant

"Avenues of lime."             Maupassant

"I have no affection for you any more.

Now I can meet with you without a slight

disturbance in my heart."        BS

" Its a ntural weakness of mine-yes,

when I attach myself to anyone, I attach myself.

that's the end of it."       Maupassant

"No, its all good-all good-

I like what I do."  Annonymous

"The whole story of man is blood and gold."    Maupassant

"Far from myself, a kind of wandering being

without conscious or thought, merely seeing things

as I went along and liking what I saw."     Mupassant

"Far also from the road I had planned to follow

and which I had forgotten about, with the approach

of night I realized that I was lost."       Maupassant

"She was probably lying from beginning to end

as Arabs invariably do, with or without a motive."      Maupassant

"With gossip, and rather comical gravity

they narrate their lies and falsehoods with

the serious air which this strange race always

preserves with the expression of an idol

escending to gossip."        Maupassant

"Conqured race, on whom we impose our laws,

our regulations, our customs, and of whom we know nothing."     Maupassant

INTENTION

Some one, claiming to be the best friend of someone

of the same race, same religion never came for condolence

at the time of shocking tragedy involving a sudden and shocking death,

never came for condolence, though lived one block away said to the grieving

friend after 6 months, "Yah, Allah! you know of my 

intention deep in my heart as I myself know it."

And the grieving friend said, " Yes, I know of your intention.

Your intention was not to come and pay respect though you

were close by and have no solid excuse to back up your falsehood

but I do know your intention.  it was clearly not to come to pay respect

and you fullfilled it 100 percent because that's what your intention was.

And my dear I do not doubt your intention at all. 

You were so truthful to your intention.

And that's how it went...They never saw each other again. 

They were friends for more than two decades...

The grieved person was so deeply hurt with this excuse.

She kept repeating to herself like a mad woman. 

"I mean if anyone's intention is to console, comfort, and pay respect

at the time of their sorrow, why wouldn't they fullfill that urgent intention?

And why would they say such silly things to a grieving and horribly sensitive person that my intention

 was to come to you but I didn't come, but you must know that my intention

 was to show up.

Absurd, isn't it? It's not an Ionesco's play. it's real life...

No one is a fool, not even when they are going through a tremendous loss, loss of life of a beloved.

NAPKIN DIARY PART 3 2022

NAPIN DIARY PART 3 2022

YEH WAQAT BE GHUZAR HI JAI GHA.

Don't be sad.

It's a trial to be dealt with.

With sadness...lots of sadness.

Don't worry, sadness is not depression.

SAKOON...GHAM

Trauma and peace are step brothers

who don't get along...

Trauma lasts for a long time

Peace, if it comes, doesn't last

Another trauma replace it.

HAPPINESS

Happiness is not the goal

Sakkoon is.

What is sakoon?

Peace of mind

Do you have it?

What?

Do you have it?

Sakoon or peace of mind?

None

How come?

Don't ask again and again

You already know it...

Don't provoke..

I don't like people who provoke...

It's surprising that some get pleasure out of someone else's pain.

Do you have pain?

I thought you don't have peace of mind...

Who are you?

You know..

No, I don't know you...

But you ask personal questions...

Asking if you have pain is not personal...

I need to leave, I don't feel well...

You never feel well, as long as I have known you,

You have been saying, "I have to leave, I don't feel well."

Yes, because I am surrounded by people like you

 and I must instantly remove myself from 

Your ilk. 

JANNAT

What can people do to me?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I have my Jannat with me.

Jannat doesn't have,

Despair

Grief

Sorrow

Disadvantage

Loss

Helplessness...

Me being close to that spiritual power brings

 me total sakoon/peace/comfort of the soul.

FIGHT

Fight with life

Move forward

Never give up

Life is a trial to be dealt with

Without sadness

Don't be sad...

Or, be sad...

Feel your loss...

Then move on

Yes, Move on with your loss.

This time shall also pass...

That's the beauty and sadness of time...

Time passes...

Time is a passerby...

The one you want to come back...

The one you were attracted to...

You want that passerby to come back

At least once...

But alas! that handsome passrby has gone away for good....

THE DAYS OF LOSS

Chanalize your loss

Despair is absence of hope

Gloom is feeling of darkness

Desolate, feeling of loneliness/emptiness

Desolate cry of the soul leads to danger...

Matter and spirit, take care of both...

All these feelings represent that your

Sadma/greif sadma/loss of love/sadness/helplessness/gloom

hasn't been shared...

GRIEF

Grief is the strongest feeling of loss of a beloved and if

it's not properly shared becomes a source of danger.

Grief, overcomes everything.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Blame

Regret

Anger and bargaining(unrealistic)

Depression  and reflective thought

Loneliness

.........

Upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Productive vs unproductive

Acceptance and hope.

Become friends of your problems

Positive interpretation.

Human mind is more inclined towards negative.

Mind, cognitive, replace bad thought to good and positive.

Be friends with your problem

The more you want to get out of the problem,

The stronger it will become.

Acceptance doesn't mean moving forward.

Type of grief

Death of a beloved...

Create a purpose to go through grief and loss to bear...

What purpose?

What kind of purpose?

Any purpose that you can think of...

Can't think of any...?

CAUSES OF SADNESS

Wrong expectations

People and their values

Attachment with people of opposite values.

Wrong decisions

Blaming oneself

Sabotaging yourself

Be in this place like a traveller...

Enjoy a very short trip...?

DHUNIA/THE WORLD

Dhunia ko sur pur charrow ghey to wo

app ke sur pur chrr kur nacheing ghey...

Don't let any one too close to you.

Don't reveal deep thoughts about yourself to any one

Be discrete

Don't reveal any thoughts about others to any one.

Be polite and excuse your self

Don't fight, don't argue, don't explain, 

don't expect explanations

Just remove yourself from them quietly.

ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHY

There is a vast gulf between our life style

and Islamic philosophy and thats the guilt we carry with us

without changing our ways and still calling ourselves muslims.

Thats one reason there is no contentment...

Jaidat aur rizk nasib se milta hey.

It's your fate you are fighting with....

To have the least amount of comfort

Do not attach your self with people who are not sincere.

People who make excuses which you know are just excuses...

There is no reason that you will feel this way if they cared for you.

Some people just don't care, it's their nature

Don't be with them if you can help it...

Do not hurt yourself un-necessarily.

You have to deal with real hurt.

Save your strength

save your time

Save your emotions

Save your love

Save your knowledge

Save your struggle

Save your day....

Don't be with people of fake emotions...

There is lot of grace in it for you.

CEASED TO EXIST

And when there is silence on the other end...

I know he has ceased to exist.

Everything else is a lie...

People keep saying, "He is with you, he is with you."

"Where is he? Where is he? they say, he is with me

But, where is he? He is with me...but where is he?"

'Why can't I see him? Why can't I talk to him?

Why doesn't he call any more?"

NAPKIN DIARY PART TWO 2022

NAPKIN DIARY PART TWO 2022

Human mind is more inclined towards negative.

Mind-cognitive replace bad thoughts to good positive thoughts. ?

The more you come out of the problem, the stronger it will become.?

'Acceptance doesn't mean moving forward.

Same problem

Same problem

"Same eternal problem im some people's case." 

"Types of grief." Create a purpose to go through grief and loss.?"

"Acceptance and hope."

"Don't hope for anything, don't have fear."

"Causes of sadness." Wrong expectations"

Values taken from people, attached with people of opposite comparisons.?"

"Wrong decisions and blaming oneself, sabotaging yourself."

"'Be in this place like a traveller. Be everywhere like a traveller. Because that's what you are."

"Create purpose." "Become others." 'People of opposite values and comparisons."

'Huge gulf between our life style AND ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHY, WHAT A SHAME."

"Don't be ghafil (Ignorant/lazy/un-educated)

"Have contentment."

'I don't have very sincere people in my life, but don't be sad, be content with what you have."

'Don't keep people of certain character so close to you, they will dance over your head and hurt you so

 deeply in the end."

"Stay away from people with wrong values. and lack of character."

'You must never change your kind, sensitive, polite nature just for the sake of people of no character and

 of no human values, just stay away..."

 "Some positive thoughts by some one annoymus...."

1: Private thoughts and words of hope in your isolation."

2: Never give up."

3: "Fight with life."

4:  Move forward.'

5:  Don't be sad, trial to be dealt with without sadness but if you have to be sad for a real reason, go

 through your sadness alone without expectation of any other person's help." 

6: THIS TIME WILL ALSO PASS."