ME AND YI

 ME AND YI

I ws just having. a heart attack because I couldn't find my blog, singing birds

NAPKIN DIARY: PART 2

 NAPKIN DIARY: PART 2

REBEKKA: A. WRITER

This show is about failure

I have failed

And I am trying to examine what might have been. the reason

Or reasons of my amazingly dramatic and heart breaking failure?

Perhaps it was me...

Perhaps it was because of my bad writing...

Bad acting,

Bad directing,

Bad subject matter,

Unpopular themes,

Politically incorrect topic,

Or my dedication to feel the truth,

Truth as I see it...

Truth which no one is aware of

Truth which no one wants to be aware of

Truth which might be complex and painful

To explore...the truth telling might not be in favor of

Success...

Whatever the reason...

The show will fail.

Look at the title...

But the only good thing about it is

That I have begun to enjoy failure.

Failure gives you lot of space in the mind

After decades of wishing for success

I made my brain jammed up and couldn't breath...

I thought when I was wishing for success

I was a healthy normal person like all other

Normal, healthy persons...millions of them

Hopeful and. wishing and wishing and not getting it

But still normal because they were wishing it.

But since so much time has passed...

And the promise or infact the lack of promise

Of success flew away...

I decided to look at the other side of the coin...

I have heard from wise people that all coins have two sides.

Does it not?

I guess it does...

Otherwise the poor coin's structure and 

DNA won't be complete...

So, I started to look at both sides of the coin

It was there in black and white

"SUCCESS."

"FAILURE"

One side meant death

The other side, life

I just looked at the side which meant life

And decided. not to turn the coin...

I chose the lighter side of the coin...

I wanted the lighter side...

No matter what it meant actually

Both sides of the coin can mean many things

One side, health

The side, illness

One side, wealth

The side poverty

One side happiness

The other side misery

One side grand social life

The other side, loneliness

One side, work

The other side, un-employment

One side heavily funded

The other side, non-profit, no funding..

One side, house full

The other side, empty house,

 one person, dozzing off

One side, optimism

One side, pessimism

One side, support

The other side, lack of support

One side, connections

The other side, no connections, 0 connections

One side, lots of respect

The other side, no respect at all. None.

One side, very good reputation

The other side, extremely bad reputation

One side, Jumping joy

The other side, horror and misery

One side, glamoursely dressed

The other side, dressed like a bum

One side, faboulous

The other side, awful

One side, success

The other side, failure

In the beginning I fell into the second side of the coin...

"FAILURE."

That wa frightening, disturbing, haunting and 

Extremely stressful...

I was losing my mind

So, since I was a writer

Or I thought of myself as a writer

I decided to turm my horror into monologues

And dialogue...instead of going to Bellevue

I started to scribble notes for myself

And for future projects which will ultimately

Fail on, 

" NAPKINS IN CAFE'S."

Since I was too depressed to go and buy a notebook.

I started to call it, "NAPKIN DIARY"

Even then, failure followed me like a dark shadow

I knew I was losing it and thought of Bellevue

Again...

That was totally frightening

The idea of a straight jacket

And electric shocks to ruin what ever

Remained in your brain dealing

with your rambling thought process...

After the shock treatment, I was sure 

There won't even be any rambling, wandering

In-coherent thoughts left...

That was so scary and I decided to keep

My remaining Rambling thoughts which made no

Sense to any one but I wanted them and wanted

To preserve them...

So, I decided to go for therapy...

This show is the result of that failed effort

Therapy wasn't  working...

The therapist even suggested that

I should think of, "SUICIDE"

I finally ran out of his office

And started having night mares

About everything and all things on the planet.

But since I still thought of myself as a writer

A stubborn writer nevertheless...

So, my enormous sense of failure

Turned into awful nights full of snakes, knives, daggers.

Those became my dreams

Believe it or not...

The side of the coin called, "FAILURE" 

was immensely powerful.

The dreams were so disturbing

That in order to dissipate their dangerous effect

I turned them into writing...

Monologues more like it...

And that last effort of my dreams turned

Into monologues started my journey

Once again into show business.

And I decided to share that journey with you.

"REBECCA'S DESPAIR". is the culmination

Of that incredible effort of a, "FAILED ARTIST."

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER SINCE THEN."

"TO FAIL. THROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY

IS THE GREATEST DELIGHT OF MY PRESENT LIFE"

"IT HAS TAUGHT ME TO LAUGH A LOT."

NAPKIN DIARY

 NAPKIN DIARY

NAZO:

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you"

"I will go with you."

ALIA

People. sucked all joy out of Alia

People must be so very strong to do all that

Alia was also supposed to be a very strong person

People were not only strong but viciscious

The one's against Alia...

How could Alia allow all that?

Because they were evil.

How could Alia allowed all that?

That was the major problem

Alia allowed that

Knowingly or un-knowingly

But she did...

Alia became a problem

Problem to herself

Why?

Why?

Why?

Wanted to hurt herself

Why?

Out of guilt

Guilt?

Yes, guilt, of leaving loved ones behind.

She did not know that she was doing it

Unaware, unconscious of her major choices

That is if she did make any choices...

She had difficulty making choices

She was always being pressured

She didn't know that...

The pressure business...

Alia never woke up

Because she never thought that she was asleep

People took advantage of her

Strangers, loved ones...

All of them

She was. kind

Always a disadvantage...

She was not a martyr but her behavior

Wrongfully was considered a sign

She was just a kind and generous soul

Her generosity was spirtual

No one  else in her circle was 

capable of that but she...

But she was manipulated for that

And when they consumed her spirit

They all turned on her...

They called her a victim

A careless destroyer of her own self

But maybe she was all that...

But she was unaware of all those fancy

And stereotype kind of symbols...

But her one obvious fault was

That she spend all her energies on the

Wrong people and on wrong things

Naive?

Maybe...

But she never knew it...

SOFIA

Some people are just nicer than the others

Sofia always cheered up when she saw Momina

So one can not blame Sofia to make a mistake

Once in a while...

And cause unhappiness to herself

She nevertheless always cheered up

When she encountered Momina...

So Momina had to be nicer than 

The other people she knew...

Most of the time she encountered mean, cold,

Manipulative, stern, bullish kind of people

She was always in shock when they behaved

Rude and miserable towards her...

And because of those shocks

She could never get away from them

She seems like in a permanent state of shock,

At other people's behavior

Especially towards her...

But fortunately Sofia always

 Cheered up when she saw Momina

Momina must have been much nicer

Than all the others...

Right?

So obviously there must be some others...

Other nice and sweet and kind and sensitive

People around...

But Sofia did not meet them...

Most of the time she ran into

Cold and insensitive ones...

Suspicious and histronic tensions of,

Alia and Sofia's families got embeded

in their psyche from early childhood.

They were totally different in appearnce

And behavior, but were quite the same inside.

They were the product of two different histories...

Two different conflicts...

But the conflicts of which they were the children of

Were of the same source, same demands, same aggressions

But of a different tribe,  a different sect.

 Their tribes came from the very same origin,

And that's why the battles between them never ended.

They were the same people who eventually

 Hated each other

And by doing so, they hated themselvs...

Alia and Sofia hated themselves

Though they never knew it.

And that was the major fissure...the crack...

They never knew they had that crack since their birth.

It was the split valve in their hearts...

Which mixed good and bad blood in their circulation.

Finally, they decided to be alone

All alone by themselves...

They completely isolated themselves.

And they never talked to any one any more.

And they never talked to each other...

It's not that they stopped attaching importance

To others...

No.  That was not the case.

They were so disappointed in themselves

Individually without ever reveleaing it to any one else.

They came to a conclusion that they were incapable

Of having any kind of social contact without being insulted,

Humiliated and hurt.

That began the phase of depresion and isolation

They decided to be alone

Their hatred of themselves was complete.

All their lives they felt that something was 

Wrong with others...

And. sometims they wanted to hate others

But it's themselves they hated the most...

"But you are,,,

"You are Sofia."

'You are officially seperated even if you

Were ever really married."

"Not really."

"Not like the real marriage."

"With houses and cars and children. and maids

And trips abroad and companionship and shopping

And the lawsuit and lawyers and diamonds and

Child support.

" But still you are officially seperated."

"No companionship now

 but it wasn't much  of a companionship."

But Sofia is not sad because the companionship ended,

Sofia is sad because there was no companionship

To begin with...and Sofia is sad because there will

Be no one in the future to give her company.

That is certain.

Yes, no companion.  No physical companion.

Only the books and other things...

Yes.  But no people.

Books are great friends but are of different kinds.

Read your books.  They will make you feel

But not talk, not talk to any one...

Not even talk to the books...

"Read them out loud..."

"But still...it's not like talking to them.'

Sofia wanted to talk to some one

Sofia loved to talk to some one

But there was no one to talk to...

"What about Alia?"

"What about her?"

'What about Alia? 

Talk to her."

"No answer...no answer..no answer"

"There are many strangers around you,

Talk to them."

"I want to keep it this way."

"let the strangers stay at a strange distance."

"What about Momania?"

Silence, silence, silence

Sofia learnt that in the West,

Where she is now...she has to be alone..

Scandle

Lies

Hustle

Money

Lots of money

Power

Competition

Top of the ladder

Ambition...

They were never involved in those elements of success

It was very un-interesting for them

People

People who lie

Who cheat

Who hustle

People with hutzpa

Thus being considered bold

But

Uncaring

and thus unafraid

Unafraid of any mishap...

Not sensitive enough...

Lied and lied and lied...

Sofia, all her life told the truth and no one was interested

in her.

 Even her husband, the one she never married...

No one was interested in her

Because she told the truth

Thus she was not an intrigue

Not a curiosity to be explored.

There is nothing to be expolred

Truth is the truth and thus boring

No mystery attached to it

Mystery is the only exciting thing

Lies keep it alive

Truth is just a simple truth

And thus boring

End of the story...

"What do you need to see Alia for?"

'She also came from the same tribe."

'She often told the truth"

'But her truth is confused."

"She wasn't so strict about her truth."

'She would get confused when people

Threatend her with her truth and she

Would change it out of fear."

"Thus creating more anxiety for herself."

Mamonia stayed silent most of the time

She was more intriguing than Alia and Sofia

Silenec has it's own mystery...

She smiled and stayed silent

But that didn't work either...

They were like the fish out of water

All of them

All of them

In a different way

But they came from the same tribe

Ancient tribe

And the battle between those tribes raged on for centuries

Messing up all the children for many life times.

"Why do you need to see her?"

"I didn't say, I NEED TO SEE HER."

"But you should...You have no one to talk to."

'People find you and your truth very boring."

'She will find me boring too."

'But you are from the same tribe"

'You will be able to understand each other."

"We never understood ourselves."

"How could we understand each other?"

"Let sleeping dogs alone.'

'Maybe you should wake up the sleeping dogs."

"Sleep."

'I want to sleep right now 

And the dogs will bark and it will wake you up too."

"I don't want to wake up."

'Actually I want to sleep."

'"I want to sleep right now."

Sofia looked very tired.

But she didn't care about any one

Including the sleeping dogs.

She didn't care for truth or falsehood any more.

"What's in it?"

"Deceiving humqn beings

"Deception was...

 "The very means of  fun and excitement"

People want to be part of a fashionable crowd

And the crowd was made of upwardly mobile deceivers

Liers and cheats.

Alia before she disappeared...

Disappeared without a trace...

Killed, maybe by her husband

Or, by a brother

Or a lover,

 Or a stranger who became part of that crowd

And then disappeared without a trace.

Sofia knowing that...

Alia's fate?

Decided to be part of no crowd...

Not that she wasn't lonely

Or didn't want company...

And a social life...

She never learnt since her childhood

How to lie and cheat and hustle...

To her, the truth was the only answer

And she was punished for that

Her only sin...

She was punished.

She didn't know how to be part of that society

And still be successful and alive...

She was too fearful of people

Of men, husbands, lovers, strangers, neighbors,

Girl friends...far too afraid...

The only person Sofia wasn't afraid of was Mamonia...

And she couldn't find her...

She looked and looked

Every where...across the occeans

In the cities, in the villages, in the desert, in the gardens,

In the city parks, over the bridges...

But she never found Mamonia...

Maybe Mamonia never existed...

Maybe sofia and Alia never existed either

Maybe they were just figments...

Figaments of imagination...

Figaments of their own imagination...

They must be

Otherwise Sofia will find

Mamonia, find Alia...

She looked and looked and never found them

She never found

Alia

She never found Mamonia....

She didn't know how...

She didn't know where else to look

Maybe they didn't existed...

Maybe?