NAPKIN DIARY

 NAPKIN DIARY

NAZO:

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you."

"I will go with you"

"I will go with you."

ALIA

People. sucked all joy out of Alia

People must be so very strong to do all that

Alia was also supposed to be a very strong person

People were not only strong but viciscious

The one's against Alia...

How could Alia allow all that?

Because they were evil.

How could Alia allowed all that?

That was the major problem

Alia allowed that

Knowingly or un-knowingly

But she did...

Alia became a problem

Problem to herself

Why?

Why?

Why?

Wanted to hurt herself

Why?

Out of guilt

Guilt?

Yes, guilt, of leaving loved ones behind.

She did not know that she was doing it

Unaware, unconscious of her major choices

That is if she did make any choices...

She had difficulty making choices

She was always being pressured

She didn't know that...

The pressure business...

Alia never woke up

Because she never thought that she was asleep

People took advantage of her

Strangers, loved ones...

All of them

She was. kind

Always a disadvantage...

She was not a martyr but her behavior

Wrongfully was considered a sign

She was just a kind and generous soul

Her generosity was spirtual

No one  else in her circle was 

capable of that but she...

But she was manipulated for that

And when they consumed her spirit

They all turned on her...

They called her a victim

A careless destroyer of her own self

But maybe she was all that...

But she was unaware of all those fancy

And stereotype kind of symbols...

But her one obvious fault was

That she spend all her energies on the

Wrong people and on wrong things

Naive?

Maybe...

But she never knew it...

SOFIA

Some people are just nicer than the others

Sofia always cheered up when she saw Momina

So one can not blame Sofia to make a mistake

Once in a while...

And cause unhappiness to herself

She nevertheless always cheered up

When she encountered Momina...

So Momina had to be nicer than 

The other people she knew...

Most of the time she encountered mean, cold,

Manipulative, stern, bullish kind of people

She was always in shock when they behaved

Rude and miserable towards her...

And because of those shocks

She could never get away from them

She seems like in a permanent state of shock,

At other people's behavior

Especially towards her...

But fortunately Sofia always

 Cheered up when she saw Momina

Momina must have been much nicer

Than all the others...

Right?

So obviously there must be some others...

Other nice and sweet and kind and sensitive

People around...

But Sofia did not meet them...

Most of the time she ran into

Cold and insensitive ones...

Suspicious and histronic tensions of,

Alia and Sofia's families got embeded

in their psyche from early childhood.

They were totally different in appearnce

And behavior, but were quite the same inside.

They were the product of two different histories...

Two different conflicts...

But the conflicts of which they were the children of

Were of the same source, same demands, same aggressions

But of a different tribe,  a different sect.

 Their tribes came from the very same origin,

And that's why the battles between them never ended.

They were the same people who eventually

 Hated each other

And by doing so, they hated themselvs...

Alia and Sofia hated themselves

Though they never knew it.

And that was the major fissure...the crack...

They never knew they had that crack since their birth.

It was the split valve in their hearts...

Which mixed good and bad blood in their circulation.

Finally, they decided to be alone

All alone by themselves...

They completely isolated themselves.

And they never talked to any one any more.

And they never talked to each other...

It's not that they stopped attaching importance

To others...

No.  That was not the case.

They were so disappointed in themselves

Individually without ever reveleaing it to any one else.

They came to a conclusion that they were incapable

Of having any kind of social contact without being insulted,

Humiliated and hurt.

That began the phase of depresion and isolation

They decided to be alone

Their hatred of themselves was complete.

All their lives they felt that something was 

Wrong with others...

And. sometims they wanted to hate others

But it's themselves they hated the most...

"But you are,,,

"You are Sofia."

'You are officially seperated even if you

Were ever really married."

"Not really."

"Not like the real marriage."

"With houses and cars and children. and maids

And trips abroad and companionship and shopping

And the lawsuit and lawyers and diamonds and

Child support.

" But still you are officially seperated."

"No companionship now

 but it wasn't much  of a companionship."

But Sofia is not sad because the companionship ended,

Sofia is sad because there was no companionship

To begin with...and Sofia is sad because there will

Be no one in the future to give her company.

That is certain.

Yes, no companion.  No physical companion.

Only the books and other things...

Yes.  But no people.

Books are great friends but are of different kinds.

Read your books.  They will make you feel

But not talk, not talk to any one...

Not even talk to the books...

"Read them out loud..."

"But still...it's not like talking to them.'

Sofia wanted to talk to some one

Sofia loved to talk to some one

But there was no one to talk to...

"What about Alia?"

"What about her?"

'What about Alia? 

Talk to her."

"No answer...no answer..no answer"

"There are many strangers around you,

Talk to them."

"I want to keep it this way."

"let the strangers stay at a strange distance."

"What about Momania?"

Silence, silence, silence

Sofia learnt that in the West,

Where she is now...she has to be alone..

Scandle

Lies

Hustle

Money

Lots of money

Power

Competition

Top of the ladder

Ambition...

They were never involved in those elements of success

It was very un-interesting for them

People

People who lie

Who cheat

Who hustle

People with hutzpa

Thus being considered bold

But

Uncaring

and thus unafraid

Unafraid of any mishap...

Not sensitive enough...

Lied and lied and lied...

Sofia, all her life told the truth and no one was interested

in her.

 Even her husband, the one she never married...

No one was interested in her

Because she told the truth

Thus she was not an intrigue

Not a curiosity to be explored.

There is nothing to be expolred

Truth is the truth and thus boring

No mystery attached to it

Mystery is the only exciting thing

Lies keep it alive

Truth is just a simple truth

And thus boring

End of the story...

"What do you need to see Alia for?"

'She also came from the same tribe."

'She often told the truth"

'But her truth is confused."

"She wasn't so strict about her truth."

'She would get confused when people

Threatend her with her truth and she

Would change it out of fear."

"Thus creating more anxiety for herself."

Mamonia stayed silent most of the time

She was more intriguing than Alia and Sofia

Silenec has it's own mystery...

She smiled and stayed silent

But that didn't work either...

They were like the fish out of water

All of them

All of them

In a different way

But they came from the same tribe

Ancient tribe

And the battle between those tribes raged on for centuries

Messing up all the children for many life times.

"Why do you need to see her?"

"I didn't say, I NEED TO SEE HER."

"But you should...You have no one to talk to."

'People find you and your truth very boring."

'She will find me boring too."

'But you are from the same tribe"

'You will be able to understand each other."

"We never understood ourselves."

"How could we understand each other?"

"Let sleeping dogs alone.'

'Maybe you should wake up the sleeping dogs."

"Sleep."

'I want to sleep right now 

And the dogs will bark and it will wake you up too."

"I don't want to wake up."

'Actually I want to sleep."

'"I want to sleep right now."

Sofia looked very tired.

But she didn't care about any one

Including the sleeping dogs.

She didn't care for truth or falsehood any more.

"What's in it?"

"Deceiving humqn beings

"Deception was...

 "The very means of  fun and excitement"

People want to be part of a fashionable crowd

And the crowd was made of upwardly mobile deceivers

Liers and cheats.

Alia before she disappeared...

Disappeared without a trace...

Killed, maybe by her husband

Or, by a brother

Or a lover,

 Or a stranger who became part of that crowd

And then disappeared without a trace.

Sofia knowing that...

Alia's fate?

Decided to be part of no crowd...

Not that she wasn't lonely

Or didn't want company...

And a social life...

She never learnt since her childhood

How to lie and cheat and hustle...

To her, the truth was the only answer

And she was punished for that

Her only sin...

She was punished.

She didn't know how to be part of that society

And still be successful and alive...

She was too fearful of people

Of men, husbands, lovers, strangers, neighbors,

Girl friends...far too afraid...

The only person Sofia wasn't afraid of was Mamonia...

And she couldn't find her...

She looked and looked

Every where...across the occeans

In the cities, in the villages, in the desert, in the gardens,

In the city parks, over the bridges...

But she never found Mamonia...

Maybe Mamonia never existed...

Maybe sofia and Alia never existed either

Maybe they were just figments...

Figaments of imagination...

Figaments of their own imagination...

They must be

Otherwise Sofia will find

Mamonia, find Alia...

She looked and looked and never found them

She never found

Alia

She never found Mamonia....

She didn't know how...

She didn't know where else to look

Maybe they didn't existed...

Maybe?