NAPKIN DIARY: PART 2

 NAPKIN DIARY: PART 2

REBEKKA: A. WRITER

This show is about failure

I have failed

And I am trying to examine what might have been. the reason

Or reasons of my amazingly dramatic and heart breaking failure?

Perhaps it was me...

Perhaps it was because of my bad writing...

Bad acting,

Bad directing,

Bad subject matter,

Unpopular themes,

Politically incorrect topic,

Or my dedication to feel the truth,

Truth as I see it...

Truth which no one is aware of

Truth which no one wants to be aware of

Truth which might be complex and painful

To explore...the truth telling might not be in favor of

Success...

Whatever the reason...

The show will fail.

Look at the title...

But the only good thing about it is

That I have begun to enjoy failure.

Failure gives you lot of space in the mind

After decades of wishing for success

I made my brain jammed up and couldn't breath...

I thought when I was wishing for success

I was a healthy normal person like all other

Normal, healthy persons...millions of them

Hopeful and. wishing and wishing and not getting it

But still normal because they were wishing it.

But since so much time has passed...

And the promise or infact the lack of promise

Of success flew away...

I decided to look at the other side of the coin...

I have heard from wise people that all coins have two sides.

Does it not?

I guess it does...

Otherwise the poor coin's structure and 

DNA won't be complete...

So, I started to look at both sides of the coin

It was there in black and white

"SUCCESS."

"FAILURE"

One side meant death

The other side, life

I just looked at the side which meant life

And decided. not to turn the coin...

I chose the lighter side of the coin...

I wanted the lighter side...

No matter what it meant actually

Both sides of the coin can mean many things

One side, health

The side, illness

One side, wealth

The side poverty

One side happiness

The other side misery

One side grand social life

The other side, loneliness

One side, work

The other side, un-employment

One side heavily funded

The other side, non-profit, no funding..

One side, house full

The other side, empty house,

 one person, dozzing off

One side, optimism

One side, pessimism

One side, support

The other side, lack of support

One side, connections

The other side, no connections, 0 connections

One side, lots of respect

The other side, no respect at all. None.

One side, very good reputation

The other side, extremely bad reputation

One side, Jumping joy

The other side, horror and misery

One side, glamoursely dressed

The other side, dressed like a bum

One side, faboulous

The other side, awful

One side, success

The other side, failure

In the beginning I fell into the second side of the coin...

"FAILURE."

That wa frightening, disturbing, haunting and 

Extremely stressful...

I was losing my mind

So, since I was a writer

Or I thought of myself as a writer

I decided to turm my horror into monologues

And dialogue...instead of going to Bellevue

I started to scribble notes for myself

And for future projects which will ultimately

Fail on, 

" NAPKINS IN CAFE'S."

Since I was too depressed to go and buy a notebook.

I started to call it, "NAPKIN DIARY"

Even then, failure followed me like a dark shadow

I knew I was losing it and thought of Bellevue

Again...

That was totally frightening

The idea of a straight jacket

And electric shocks to ruin what ever

Remained in your brain dealing

with your rambling thought process...

After the shock treatment, I was sure 

There won't even be any rambling, wandering

In-coherent thoughts left...

That was so scary and I decided to keep

My remaining Rambling thoughts which made no

Sense to any one but I wanted them and wanted

To preserve them...

So, I decided to go for therapy...

This show is the result of that failed effort

Therapy wasn't  working...

The therapist even suggested that

I should think of, "SUICIDE"

I finally ran out of his office

And started having night mares

About everything and all things on the planet.

But since I still thought of myself as a writer

A stubborn writer nevertheless...

So, my enormous sense of failure

Turned into awful nights full of snakes, knives, daggers.

Those became my dreams

Believe it or not...

The side of the coin called, "FAILURE" 

was immensely powerful.

The dreams were so disturbing

That in order to dissipate their dangerous effect

I turned them into writing...

Monologues more like it...

And that last effort of my dreams turned

Into monologues started my journey

Once again into show business.

And I decided to share that journey with you.

"REBECCA'S DESPAIR". is the culmination

Of that incredible effort of a, "FAILED ARTIST."

"I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER SINCE THEN."

"TO FAIL. THROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY

IS THE GREATEST DELIGHT OF MY PRESENT LIFE"

"IT HAS TAUGHT ME TO LAUGH A LOT."