DON'T KNOW NOTHING, NEVER KNEW NOTHING, NEVER WILL KNOW NOTHING

How did that happen ?

Lack of knowledge of nothing ?

Every one is so smart, so clever

Why and what and where did the common sense leave you ?

How come you never learned how to deal with the wise ones ?

The hoodlums ?

The intellectuals ?

The relatives ?

The friends ? the strangers ?

The man ? the woman ? The donkey ? the monkey ? the rat? the dog ?

You learned nothing..........

Got humiliated, insulted every where..........

How dare people behave this way with you ?

Why are you there where people behave this way ?

Who are you ?

Not from this planet I bet....

People are standing up for themselves right and left

Why is it possible for them to treat you this way ?

Don't be there

Don't go

Don't let them PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Pretty please

Its too late

When ?

When ?

When will you learn ?

Never............

They all got ahead..........

All of them..........

They all abused, harassed,  insulted, mistreated, took advantage..........

Why ?

Don't know

When will you know ?

Never....................

But this happens again and again

Yes, it does.....

Why ?

Don't know

Try to know, its late, already so late

One suggestion, may I ?

Sure..............................

Don't

Don't what ?

Don't be so concerned about other people's entertainment..........

Let them be bored, if you think they are bored

Thats not your responsibility to entertain people or be somehow worried about it...

Let them be cultural donkeys....if they want, they know the way to the museum.....

They don't want....

They feel forced to be cultural by you.....

They are not cultural...

You are....

They are not interested....

You are....

They are happy the way they are....ghadda's...

You are not happy

You want them to be a little bit more sophisticated, a little bit more polite, a little bit more well mannered,  a little bit more refined, a little bit more conversationalists.....a little bit more

informed, a little bit more charming........

They are not....

You are.......

You want them to be like you.....

But they are not....

You are.....all those things you mentioned......

They are not....

You are....

You think you don't learn....

Its them

Its them who don't learn

They can't....

They are not the type.....

Not their fault...

Don't try to cultivate them

Cultivate yourself....

There is always room for more culture

Always.....

Go ahaead, make a determination....today, at this moment, 

Cultivate your self a little bit more every moment

Cultivate your self  you and ONLY YOU ALONE.....

No one else...........

They are perfectly happy the way they are......

You are not......

You need a little bit more cultivation.....

Do that first for yourself

Then you can worry about the others......

Why must you always insist that they go to the museum ?

Why ?

Why must you often insist that they go to the theater ?

Why ?

Why must you yell and scream and holler that they go to the galleries ?

Why ?

Why must you be sad that they do not travel ?

Why ?

Why don't you and only you do all those things by yourself ?

You are pretty interesting a person, arn't you ?

Arn't you ?

And if you are not...then the whole game is lost any way.....

You are with the people who are happy the way they are.....

You are not....you are not happy the way they are.....

You are not happy...

Those things do not interest them

Only you....you are more interested than them......

You are an artist.....

They are not....

Trust me....

They are not.....

None of those people who you think are artists, are not...................

You are................

Helen is.....

Lisa is.............

Eva is...............

They always want to be out there................

Always.............

That burning desire to be on stage

To be with a brush and paint

To be holding a pen and a paper

To be searching, looking, finding the ways, to do whatever interest them...........

They are not.....

Your people

The people you think are artists are not artists............

They have bogged you down....................

They are not artists....

Thats why they are not out there...........

You are not out there because you are consuming all your energies for them to be out there

And since you are consumed, wasted, exhausted by your efforts on the wrong things, you are also not

Out there.................

Its you who is not functioning as a full artist

Though you are an artist, no doubt about that..............

But you have been bogged down and been sucked out of your refined energies and your aesthetics by the non artists whom you thought were artists and you have been pushing them for so long to be out there and be part of the culture................

You be part of the culture.................

They are not artists.........

You are............

Tell me who is an artist....?  Any one that you ahve dealings with or association with now?  in the past ? in your present ? Who ? who is the artist ?  The one you have been pushing to be more cultural ?

Who ?

S ?

No.

Q ?

No

H ?

No.

F ?

J ?

S? No

C ?

No.

A? 

No.

B ?

No.

A? 

No.

A ? 

No.

C ?

No.

P ?

No.

O ?

No.

K ?

No.

B ?

No.

G ?

No.

B ?

No.

A ?

No.

J ?

No.

T ?

No.

E ?

No.

 D ?

No.

A ?

No.

D ?

No.

P ?

No.

R ? 

No.

A ?

Yes.

C ?

Yes.

A ?

A big no.

Amazing and scary, really scary....................

Of all the people  you have been having battles of culture with are not artists, none of them....

Only two souls out of so many and those two are not here, are never here, are far away, far far away doing their art..... you don't have to push them or have fights with to pursue some kind of culture....they are interested in culture, they are pursuing it in their own way...Only you are not pursuing it, you are not pursuing culture or art at all.....you think you are, but you are not.....

You are pursuing the non artist to pursue art and culture and they don't because they can't because they don't want to because they are not interested.....................because they are not artists.............you got it all wrong..................you were the artist but you wasted time and life to pursue and fight and spend time and get frustrated with ALL THOSE NON ARTISTS YOU SURROUNDED YOURSELF WITH................WHAT A TRAGEDY ...........WHAT A SAD STORY OF A TRUE ARTIST WHO THOUGHT THE PEOPLE HE IS WITH ARE ALL ARTISTS AND THEY WERE NOT....NOT AT ALL.............THEY WERE ALL BUISNESS MEN OF ONE KIND OR THE OTHER..............AND YOU WERE THE SOLE ARTIST WHO WASTED HIS LIFE.............

TRYING TO CULTIVATE THEM IN THE PURSUIT OF ART.

Did you know nothing ?

Didn't know nothing,

Never knew nothing

And the time has passed...........

The day has passed..................

Didn't know nothing

Never knew nothing.........................

Don't know nothing....................

Never knew nothing...................

AND ONE DAY

And one day he went away

And one day he came back

But thirty years passed in between

And when he came back

She didn't want him

Did she want him when he went away

She didn't know it then

She thought she didn't want him back

Thats what she thought

But when he came back, she realized that she did want him

But when he came back she didn't, didn't want him back........

What was the point ?

So much time has passed

Thirty years is thirty years....

He must be old now....

She was too

But he must be old now...

Thats what she kept thinking

And what"s the point now?

Him coming back....

What's the point ?

He told her he was lonely....

Lonely ?

After thirty years....

He must not be lonely for thirty years...that's for sure

He must have some body for thirty years...

His wife perhaps....

And then he was lonely

Lonely for what ?

A mistress.......

A mistress after thirty years ?

Maybe he had plenty of mistressess while he still had his wife

But why not her as a mistress sooner ?

only after thirty years ?

How come he didn't think of her sooner ?

How come ?

I don't know

I will ask him when I see him

But I am not going to see him ever...

Never...will I see him....

Next time ?

one day, next time perhaps ?

There are no perhaps in this situation

no next time....

There is no next time in life sometimes.........no next time

The time has passed

The day has passed

The month has passed

The year has passed

The life has passed................

Thirty years ?

Not lonely for thirty years ?

Not lonely for her for thirty years ?

Why did he wait that long ?

WE WILL BE HAPPY SOON

When the blossoms will bloom

And the sun will come out and shine on our misery

And tan it after the pale yellow sickly complexion of our miserably long and drizzly winter

When the dogs and children and people will fill the park with the baby carriages, dog shit and bikini clad single moms from up-state NY sun tanning in Tompkin Square park

When the words such as, Taliban and Al-qaida and millitants and Islamophasim will be old and forgotton and new  exotic and scary and foreign words will be created to call a new group of hoodlums....

When the slim will be fat and the fat will be slim

When the organic food will really be organic

When we will know which vitamin is harmful and which one is not

When we will know what's the good food to eat

When all families will agree with each other

When actors in NYC will start getting paid for every acting job that they do

When talent agencies will look for talent

When success will be talent

When people will be not racists

When the bombs will stop being drop on some body somewhere in the world

When the green will be green and the trees will not be cut

When the children will have a father

When the people will come out of all jails and be free

When people who seem free will be truely free

When there will be no complaints of any kind

When the food will not be prepared with lard

When the olive oil will be really 100% virgin and cold pressed

WQhen the grapes will taste like grapes 

When the clothes from the laundromat will be really clean

When We all will loose thirty pounds ......................

When all of us will stop eating for a few days..............

NOT AGAIN AND THEN AGAIN NOT

When will any one learn ?

When ?

The time is running out.....

Its already too late

Countries sold and bought

People got old and dying

Dying and died and old and older

Famine and starvation

And death and disease and violence

But do they give up ?

The one who want to hord the wealth

Do they ever give up ?

Do they ever say, "Oh! what"s the use ? We are going to die any way

And die soon, we are old, getting older."

"Oh! what's the use ?  Who knows what will happen when our children grow up ?

"What's the use any way...there is lots of wealth already accumulated by fair or foul means."

"Oh! what's the use ?  let it go, enough is enough."

Do they ever say that ? 

Never.....

Nothing is ever enough for the one's who have power

And the one's who are after power

Always the meek, humble little victims say, "Oh! I don't care, I don't care."

You don't care ?  So why any thing should happen for you ?

Why don't you care ?

Why not ?

Every one else does, why don't you ?

Are you so special that you don't care

No matter what happen to your property, your rights, your beliefs, your dignity....

You don't care ?

What ?

What are you saying ?

What am I hearing ?

Why don't you care ?

They took over everything....

Your space

Your dignity

Your voice

Your grass

Your fields

Your corn'

Your time

Your emotions

Your energy

Your youth

And you don't care ?

Are you dead yet ?

Are you going to die soon ?

Are you dead yet ?

No, you are not dead yet

You are never dead till you are daed

So start caring

Start caring for your time

Your possessions

Your valuables

Your integrity

Your emotions

Your health

Your talent

Your being alive

Fight

Fight

Fight

Don't be in a supine position like a drugged out junkie

You are not a junkie

Are you a junkie ?

I have never thought of you as a junkie

I have thought of you as many things but never a junkie

Then why are you in a supine position ?

Why can't you get up and ask for what is being stolen from you right infront of your very own eyes.....

Get up and grab what's yours

Get up and shout and tell every one to go to hell

Get up and tell the truth

The truth as you see it

Thats the only truth

The truth as you see it.....

That's your truth and that truth is the only truth that matters

Every one is trying to push their own truth on you

But you are the only one who is afraid of telling the truth....

Why are you afraid of telling the truth ?

When will you tell the truth ?

The death is not far away....

No one's death is very far away....

Get up, give up the supine position and tell the truth as you see it....

Its your moral duty,

Its your moral obligation

Thats your only obligation to your self and to any one else....

To tell the truth as you see it.....

Otherwise you ahave no obligation to any one

Not to a single soul

Or to a dog

Or to a monkey

Thats it.....

Its your only obligation to yourself and to  the World and  who ever is in this

lousy World.....

To tell the truth as you see it

And then never regret it

Never be afraid

And never think about it twice.......

And never go back on your words.....

Tell the truth as you see it...

Stand up and meet your moral obligation....

Thats your only obligation in this World and the rest ?

The rest you leave it up to God....

Be obliged to God.......he gave you life

to tell that truth which came to you from him.....

Your truth is God's truth

So why must you be afraid ?

Who are you afraid of ?

Yourself perhaps

But you are protected by the mere truth

Your truth as you see it

And never again.....again not

See any one else's truth but your's and

See the God's truth through you because you are God's light

On this earth....not again, never again

Never again, again not disappoint you and me

Get up from the supine position.....

You have things to do

And the time is running out....................

NOW I AM LIKE YOU, JUST LIKE YOU

Now we are all alike

Non caring, non loving, non fighting

A.H'S

Now we say,"hello, how are you ?"

And the other person says,"Hello, how are you ?"

'Fine." We say

'Fine." the other person says

Now we are all fine

"Isn't that fine?"

"Its fine."

"Everything is fine."

I wish it would have been like this long time ago

I wish I learned

I wish I was as distanced as all of them,  A.H'S

I cried and craweled

I begged and wept

I fought and fought and fought

'Lets be loving>"

I begged

'Lets be together."

I said

"Lets be not so selfish."

I said

'lets take care of the property."

'lets not sell our land."

Lets not sell our ancestor's house."

I said

Y"You are a trouble maker."

They said

"You are nothing but trouble."

They said

"Whenever you are around there is fighting."

They said

"When ever you are around there is no peace."

They said

They went ahaed

They sold it all

Their birth place for pennies

I wonder what they bought with those few pennies

They never wanted me to have a place there

Thats what they were after

They were vicious

They were really vicious....

They were nasty to me

Really nasty to me....

I didsdn't understand

So stupid

So naive

So innocent

So childlike in my love of them

So childlike in my loneliness.....

In a foreign land

So alone

Like a bird with no wings at all

Helpless

Sorrowful

Wandering around

Not knowing what to do

Never knowing what to do

With all the ambition and dreams

The immobility set in

Desire to do

To move 

To achieve

To accomplish

Was there

But no movement...no movement...no movement.......

Movement was paralysed

Didn't know that it was Paralyzed

Didn't know that it was paralyzed

Didn't know that it was paralyzed

Kept looking back

For some kind of fondness

Some kind of affection

Some kind of togetherness

Some kind of love........

Instead of moving along

Moving ahead withthe times

Moving on

Kept looking back

Kept looking back

Kept looking back

There was no body there....

No house....

No parents.....

No neighbors....

No brothers and sisters.....

No friends.....

No body.....

No, there was no body there

They have disappeared long time ago....

Long time ago.......

A long time ago.......

A long long time ago........

I haven't noticed

I was blind

I didn't notice

I couldn't have noticed

I was blind by my fondness for them

Blind by my love for them

Blind by my affection for them

Blind by my blood bond for them.....

But I should have cut all ties with them

They were not worth it

There were too many sad events

There were too many complications

I should have cut all blood bonds with them

They were not worth my time, my energy, my emotions, my life.....

I should have cut all blood bonds with them.....

But I didn't

I didn't because I didn't know that I could have....

I didn't know that I could have become like them

Cold, calculating, selfish, greedy, non caring, non loving, non being....

I didn't know that I could have been like them

Totally distanced

Totally indifferent

Totally self loving

Totally self absorbed.....

I didn't know that I could become just like them...........

People don't see their blood relation for long time

They cut the cord...once and for all

They become like them.....

They don't care...

They become like them.....

They don't care.....

They just don't care...................

Just like them.....

Just like you.......

Now I am just like you

I wish I became just like you a decade ago

I wish that I became just like you two decades ago

I wish I became like you three decades ago

I wish I became just like you at my birth

Then there will be no problems between us

Then there will be no complaints between us

Then there will be no hurt on any side...........

But you weren't hurt? 

Were you ?

I am tasking you....

You weren't hurt

You were born differnt

Tough, calculating, non caring, non loving, selfish..............

You never loved me.....

None of you.................

You never loved me...........

None of you..........

Never,,,,,,,,,

My humiliation is that I loved you so much

I only loved you...........

I didn't move with the time

I stood still and loved you..............

And the time kept passing..........

The decades kept passing..............

I stood still and loved you.................

But now I don't love you

Now I am like you........

Just like you..........

Now I am like you

Like all of you............

Just like you..........

NOW IAM LIKE YOU, JUST LIKE YOU

IT WENT WELL YOU THINK ?

Thats news

Something can go well under the circumstances

No Preparation, no rehearsals

We are not talking theater that we had to rehearse

We are talking days and nights and nights and days again

But thats rehearsal.......

Rehearsal for what ?

Death, what else do you think ?

Its too early to think death or talk death

You mean too early in the morning ?  Or two early in life ?

Its never too early....

They say, "its never too late."

They are all miserable and miserable again

They want you to shut up....

They want you to be humble, agree and shut up

You live in their countries, they want you to be meek and say, "Yes, you are right." and shut up...

Yes, thats what they want

If you exert your will, your opinion and a strong opinion which is different than your opinion

They want you to shut up...

They behave as if they know everything and they are experts even on you and your thinking, breathing, surviving, grief, happiness, sorrow....They want you to agree....

And thats when you don't agree

Or you don't want to agree...

Because not only are they totally off the mark, they are bloody aggressive....

Because they want you to shut up and say, yes, yes, yes you are  right and I agree with you a 

fully.....

Then their chest swells up with the power of aggression and their fist tighten and they have that snarl of victory.....

Are they friends ?

Is this a gathering ?

A friendly gathering ?

A social gathering ?

Yes, its a social gathering where all the balls are in their court or they want all balls in their court and they are already victors without wars...

But they are snickering because they are all having proxy wars right under your own nose and you don't even notice...

You think its a social gathering

Where they all appear with their daggers sharpened

Thats their tongues

They have poison on the tip of their tongues....

They can spit it out every which way that they want....

But your tongue must be so sweet

All the time....

At day time, in the night time, In the afternoon and late at night

Your tongue must spit honey and sugar and spit praises about them and their endeavors

of conquering you, your tongue, your presence, your breath and then and only then they can say, see it went well...it went very very well...

But.......................

It went well you think ?

WONDER WHY ?

Wonder what ?

Wonders of the World

Wonders of human behavior

Wonders of humanity

Wonders of lies

So many, so many lies....

What's the necessity of lies ?

What ?

The necessity....

Without lies there will be no wonders

Why do we need wonders ?

So we can have a good time

Why can't we have a good time by telling the truth ?

Un believable....

What's so Un believable....

You are ignorant

Arn't we all ?

Thats the reason the lies are being told...........

No one is listening

Everyone is listening, the birds are listening

They are smiling and chirping

They are happy at our ignorance

They are chirping

I want to chirp, I want to tell lies, I want to chirp

Then go ahead and chirp

But I have to tell lies first

Then go ahead and tell lies

I don't have many lies in my storage

Lies are the exact opposite of the truth, so what ever you think is the truth, just say the opposite......and you have a lie, then tell another one and then anoither one and then you will have a novel and then you can find a publisher and publish the book and then you can go on a book readings all over the World and you will be accomodated in fancy hotels and you will eat snails and oysters and you will be at the Riviera and the book will win many awards and your name  will spread all over the planet and finally you will be old and rich and happy...........

Finally I will be happy ?

Yes, you will be happy.  Happinress is a collection of lies but published and awarded....

Will it bother me ?

Bother you ?  What exactly will bother you ?  Your happiness ?  We are all seeking happiness

desperately and why would happiness bother you ?

I don't mean that happiness will bother me...I mean the lies....

Why would the lies bother you ?

Because its not the truth

Do you know the truth ?

(Silence)

Do you know the truth ?

(Silence)

Do you have any idea of the truth ?

No.............

So accept the lies as the ultimate truth and be happy

I wonder.............

You wonder what ?

If the lies are the truth or the truth is the lie.............

Thats complicated........its a wonder.......

What ?

The whole scenario......lies are someone's truth and the truths are some one else's lies........

Every one must wonder than..........

People don't have time for wondering, they are busy twittering, they are wondering about the wonders of the World..................not about little things such as lies and truth and humanity and this and that nonsense...All old fashion concepts....just believe what any one tells you and say, "Yes." and ,"Sure." and be happy..............

I wonder...........

Stop wondering and enjoy the wonders of the world..............

Human beings have changed.......

Human beings ?

Who are they ?

Where are they ?

What are they doing ?

What are they achieving ?

Human beings ?

I want to meet them....

I wonder about them...

I wonder how great they must be

The human beings....

I wonder................

SO MANY CHAIRS, SO MANY CLOTHES, SO MANY SO MANY...................

Its all there

Everywhere

One side, the other side

One room, the other room, the room next to the other room

All filled up with remaining things, objects, tight fitting clothes

Tight fitting sound so glamerous

Tight fitting dress sound so sexy

Tight fitting leggings

Dirty socks

Oh, yes dirty socks, thats troublesome

That sound so un-healthy and for sure un-sexy

Glam ladies never heard  the word ,"dirty socks."

Where do you find dirty things ?

And why are they in your house ?

Not in my house

IU don't have a house

So which rooms ? Which chairs ?

Which corners are filled by the objects of your desire

My, my, not only the object of desire....

But the object of my desire.....

Thats too much

Dirty and desire are two different things

Or perhaps fit very well together....

And the chairs ?

So many chairs, so many, so many chairs, sound like Ionesco's play...

Ionesco ?

The Absurdist ?

Yes, the absurd playwright.....

Oh, you live the life of a playwright ?

Not the life of a playwright

But the life of many playwrights with many many chairs and many many chairs

And much more clothes on them

Dirty clothes, dirty ,dirty clothes are the object of my desire...........

Object of the desire of the playwright?

That sound so romantic

The dirty and desire and the playwright

Playwright doesn't sound romantic................

I would rather take dirty clothes on many many chairs rather than being a platwright

The dirty clothes are on many many chairs because the dirty clothes, the dirty clothes

belong to the playwright................

Is the play about the dirty clothes ?

No its about the chairs

But that play was already written by Ionesco...

In that play there were no dirty clothes on the chairs

What was in that play?

Just chairs.....

And in the new play ?

New play ?  New plat by whom ?

By the dirty playwright ?

There is no playwright here

Just chairs....

Who is sitting in those chairs ?

No body

No body ?

Yes, no body................

So why there are so many chairs ?

Because there are so many dirty clothes...

But clothes don't sit on chairs

Why not ?

Clothes are not a person

A person ?

Yes, a person

You are expecting a person ?

I should. there are so many chairs

But they are not empty

But there are no people here

Doesn't matter, people, no people, people don't matter

What matters ?

Things......

Dirty things ?

Sure, why not....

Dirty clothes ?

Why not

What are they doing on the chairs ?

Resting

Resting ?

Yes, they are resting, they are tired, they are exhausted, they are in New York, they are

Exhausted...

People everywhere are exhausted...

But they are not people

But they are sitting on the chairs

Thats only a play, they are sitting on the chairs and not sitting on the chairs...its called an

Absurd play..............

Plays can be absurd ?

Why not ?  There are so many absurd people, why can't there be absurd plays ?

Ok, so are the dirty clothes sitting on so manay many chairs or not ?

If you see them then they are sitting and if you don't see them then they are obviously not sitting.....

I see them and then I don't see them....

You see them before they go to the laundry and you don't see them after they have gone to the laundry....

People go to the laundry ?

Why not ?

To be laundered....

Why do they need to be laundered ?

Because they are dirty............

But you said, only the clothes are dirty...

You mean to say that people are clean ?

I don't know what I mean but you told me that dirty clothes who are supposed to be

People are sitting in those so many chairs and sometimes I see them and some times I don't....

Are you nuts ?  Those kind of absurd things only happen in absurd plays and there is no playwright here and the chairs are full of dirty clothes waiting to go to the laundry....

They are going to walk to the laundry ?

What ?

Are the dirty clothes in the play going to walk to the laundry because its an absurd play ?

You are nuts..............Clothes don't walk to the laundromat, only people....people take them to the laundry to be cleaned

Why ?

Why ????

Yes, why ?

So they can be clean

Why ?

So they can be worn

And ?

And , they can be dirty again

So what"s the point?

Point is to look respectable........

But the name of the play is, Dirty clothes on many many chairs."

What play ?

The play.....

Chairs ?

No the new absurd play ?

There is no new play

So what are these people doing sitting on so many chairs....so many chairs....

These are dirty clothes waiting to be taken to the laundromat

Who is going to take them ?

No body,  there is no body to take them...they are sitting and waiting and sitting and waiting....

Oh, poor dirty clothes....

No, poor chairs....So many chairs...So many many chairs and people sitting in them

Oh, so people came?

People were already here.....

Then why didn't the people take the dirty clothes to the laundry ?

These are people of the play..Tthey are here and they are not here....You don't get it,

Its all a play, an absurd play, you drive me nuts, you are such a boring realist, its so boring,

The realism, trying so hard to create a kitchen with pots and pans on the stage...So boring

everything right in-front of your eyes, nothing left to the imagination....

So all those dirty clothes on all those chairs are only in your Imagination ?

I can't explain any further. you aren't going to get it....Are you awake yet ?  Need coffee ?

Real coffee or the coffee in your Imagination................

(laughs)  Coffee of my Imagination.....of course, there is no coffee in the house, no milk, no sugar.....

This is a house ?

Sure, don't you see all those chairs full of dirty clothes ?  So many chairs, many many chairs..........full of dirty clothes...................

People are being put in the mac

THE GREY AREAS

Thats where it lies

The truth of the matter

What is truth ?

It depends upon whose truth it is ?

But what is the truth any way ?

Whatever you believe in

But it might not be the truth

But its your truth....

BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE THE TRUTH

Every one's truth is different

Yes, but there has to be some universal truth

Like what ?

Like something that humanity believes in

What does humanity believe in ?

I don't know,  the truth maybe?

Whose truth ?

The universal truth maybe ?

Like the truth when the whole universe believe that its the truth and nothing but the truth

hats the whole question and the problem

What problem ?

What truth are we seeking ?

Truth, whatever truth is

Every one's truth is different

Some people just feel the truth but they don'ttell the truth

Any one who feels the truth is inclined to tell it

You mean to say that the people who don't tell the truth, they don't feel the truth ?

If they feel it but don't tell it, what good is it ?

Good or bad, the truth is personal

Truth is universal like there is day and there is night like universal, like one truth

The day and night is not universal...when its day light outside, some where else the night is falling and some people's truth is darkness and some people's truth is light

Like the politicians ?

Politicians truth has no light in it...its all darkness, its a dark, dark story like dark chocolate wrapped in silver and gold papaers.  Politicians truth is dangerous because its the most poisonous lie....

So the truth can be coverd up

Thats the only thing which can be covered up

But then if its covered up for so long, how can any one ever find the truth.....

Truth leaks...in dribs and drabs, it leaks, its like covered up in a cloth with tiny little invisible holes, microscopic holes and truth starts to leak out and thats when people find out that

the leak is different than what was told to them and then they get suspicious and curious and furious and then they want to find the truth behind the lies....

So do they ever find it ?

Some times...most of the times not.....but they begin to search and that is their personal truth...

the search of it...the curiosity, the responsibility, the dignity of humanity is to search for the truth......

But you can never find it.....

You never know what you will find along the way

Its the way and whatever is along the way is the reward and the reward is personal and sometimes really small but there is some kind of light which comes into you while you begin to search............its in the search............everything is in the search................

dig into the grey areas..............

NOW I  CAN'T FIND IT

Now I can't find what I am looking for

What am I looking for ?

I can't find what I am looking for

And what am I looking for ?

I am looking for what I can't find

Then stop looking

But I need it

What ?

What ever I am looking for

What are you looking for ?

I can't find what I am looking for

But what are you looking for ?

Whatever I am looking for

You are never going to find it then

Why not ?

Because you don't know what you are looking for

But I can still find it

How ?

It can come way

But you won't know it

Know what ?

That it came your way

But I will see it right in front of me

But you won't know that it is in=front of you

Why won't I know ?

Because you won't recognize it

But I will,  I will recognize it.

You won't

I will

How can you ?

Because I have been looking for it for so long

But you won't recognize it because you won't know that you were looking for it

But I have been looking for it for so long

But you don't know what you have been looking for

But I have been looking

Yes, you have been, but what are you looking for ?

I don't know

So you won't find it

No, don't say that, I will, I will, I will.

Yes, you will if you knew what you were looking for

I don't know that part

Then you won't find that part, the part you are looking for

But I will find something

But you won't know that you found something

But still I will find something

But not what you were looking for

What am I looking for /

I don't know what you are looking for because you don't tell me

Tell you what ?

You don't tell me what you are looking for

Because I don't know what I am looking for but I do know that I am looking for something....

THE DAY HAS PASSED (DAY SIX)

The day has passed

Yes, the day has passed

It certainly has passed

Like all other days, this day has passed

Yes, The day has passed

Who knew it will pass like that ?

I knew

And the day knew

The day knew that it will pass and the day has passed

The day is meant to pass but not this way

Which way then ?

Not this way

Which way then ?

There is no other way

Others have many other ways for the day to pass

But not you

Your day has passed

And it has passed exactly like the previous day

Like the day before the previous day

All done and dusted, like the English say

And the English say the right thing

The English use the right word

The English invted the English

And the English have announced that,"The day is done and dusted."

Your day

Not their day

Not the English day

Your day

You are not English

But your day has passed

Your day is done and dusted

Your day has long passed like all your other days

Nothing achieved nothing accomplished

Nothing accomplished not achieved

And the day has passed

The new day is upon you

The other day is passed

The previous day is passed

The new day will pass exactly like the previous day

Yes, Knowing you your new day will pass exactly like the previous day

The new day is upon you

It is 1:12 AM

The previous day is passed

The new day will pass too

Just like the day

The day which has just passed

THE DAY HAS PASSED

THE DAY HAS PASSED  (DAY FOUR)

Hookers, pimps

Gangs and crimes

Frauds and frauds and frauds and ponzi schemes

Mafia and corruption

Suicides and jumping from the roof

Jumping and pushing others from the pent houses roof tops

Bullets flying by intent

Bullets flying by accident

Bullet flying by mistake

Bullets flying day and night

Money laundering

Drugs

Wars, walls, check points

Barbed wires, watch towers,

Security, national security...

Talibans and millitants and al-qaida

Lies and truths and truths and lies

Poisonous  cans and organic peas

Poisonous milk, poisonous pea nuts, poisonous tomatoes, potatoes,

Artichokes, asperagus, corn flakes, mushrooms

Bullets lodged in people's chests doing more gangs activities...

Piles of money hidden in holes and floor boards

Drinking expansive whisky with stolen money

$5ooo per bottle aged wine

Loads of cocain

Loads of cocain

Loads of cocain

Dope, opium, guns

Guns, guns, guns

Knives, machette

Base ball bats, sticks, batons

You name it

They have it

They use it to burst someone's head or heart or legs or arms and skulls...

What a day of reading the news paper all day for which you paid $1-50

, to buy cappuccino, $4-50, pannini, $10-00 

Reading all day long the news of death, crimes, rendition,

spying, killing, drowning, being killed, prostitution, pimps, pimping,

drug dealers, making a fortune

war mongers making a fortune, money launderers making a fortune,

Liers printing lies making a fortune.

Columnists giving speeches making a fortune

and me ?

Reading about them all day long at my expanse...

So far today just to read this paper I have spent, $16-00 plus tax plus tip, $22-00 total

What did I gain ?

Knowledge....

What a pathetic laugh

They are laundering tons of money

And I am spending from my meager honest buisness

What a pathetic laugh....

Buisness...

Where is it ?

Buisness, My buisness....?

Honest ?

 Yes......

Thats why I don't have tons of money

Buisness ?

No, never, no never, no buisness please....never, we don't have buisness

We are honest.....

What am I doing reading about them  though ?

All the corrupt people of the world....

And what am I gaining ?

Knowledge.....

Laugh, please at least learn to laugh even if the laugh is pathetic....

What has been gained ?

Actually nothing, absolutely nothing, nada....and the day, the day, the Glorious day ....

THE DAY HAS PASSED

THE DAY HAS PASSED (DAY THREE)

They are all so depressed

Pale looking in need of sun and air...

But they are sitting inside dark apartments with laptops on their laps

Eyes looking so tired

Doing research

They go no where....

No theater, no opera, no gallery, no museums, no walks

No conversations.....

No curiosity, no intrigue, no desire, 

No contact with no one at the end of the day....

The day has passed and the lonely night is upon them...but,

THE DAY HAS PASSED......

THE DAY HAS PASSED  (DAY TWO)

All day cleaning

All day cooking

All day laundry

All day complaining

Complaining about husband

Bad husband

Spoiled children

All day cooking............

All day cleaning...........

All day laundry

All day complaining

Complaining about the husband

Bad husband

All day complaining about the bad husband

Bad husband's past

Bad husband's present

Bad husband's future behavior.........

All day complaining about the  un-grateful children..............

And the day has passed

THE DAY HAS PASSED

ONE WOMAN, ANOTHER WOMAN

One woman has a fortune

One woman has property

One woman has money

One woman has houses all over the place

One woman has diamonds

One woman has yachts

One woman has private planrs

One woman has servants

One woman has slaves

One woman has designer clothes

One woman has plenty of everything

And that one woman is still unhappy

She has no life.....................................

She saves...............................

She is stingy......................

She is unhappy

She has no life

She doesn't live her life

She saves everything

Life is to be lived

OTHER WOMAN

Other woman has a full life

Cultural

Social

Maternal

Generous

She gives

She shares

She enjoys

She talks

She screams

She disagree

She agrees

She eats

She has a lustrous appetite

She goes to the cinema

She goes to the Opera

She goes shopping

She is maternal

She goes to the theater

She has friends

She is never alone

'She dressess up

She goes out for dinners

She goes out with friends

She treats them

She laughs

She screams

She has a full life

She lives

Life is to be lived

Not to be saved.............................

Life is to be lived.......................

AGENDA

Yes, you should have an agenda

Its to insure continual survival of you

Yes, you should have an agenda

To look after the VITAL INTERESTS OF YOU.

Your interests for you come ahead of any loyalty to any one or anything else

Already too much time has passed

I got strangled by emotional sacrifices

By emotional burdrns

By moral duties

By assumed and expected moral duties

I got strangled by emotions which don't benefit me

I need emotions

I do

I do need emotions

But they have to benefit me some how

I want to be exhausted by me but for me only

I want to give company to me but only to me

I want to waste my time by myself and for myself

I want to laugh for me and only for me

I want to walk for me

I want to buy for me

I want to rest for me

I want to talk only to me

I want to sleep by me and for me

I want to sing by myself and for myself

I want to not be available....

I want to not be standing around for no one

I want to stand alone.....

Stand for sure but for me.....

I want to not answer no calls................................

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE

One pushes me too far emotionally

and financially and demandingly at the same time

Not asking but demanding,

Scaring me of my own being,

Provoking me, probing me, creating guilt of all kinds,

Manipulating.  making me all confused and sorrowful and regreting

every minute of my being

and the other ?

Number two and three and four ?

They are silent on the other side

Silent on the other side

Silent on the other side.......

Couldn't careless attitude at all

Couldn't care less....attitude....

Busy MF'S.................

Silent on the other side as if nothing is wrong....

Everything is fine

Going well

Very decent folks

Everything is great

Silent on the other side attitudes

Busy...they are all busy MF'S........

Don't call no one

Don't call no one

Don't call no one who doesn't call you

They are all busy MF'S SONS OF BITCHES

Don't pick up the phone

Don't pick up the phone

Don't call back

Save your minutes

Don't call back

Save your minutes literally.....

Headache

Nothing but headach

And they call themselves re------la-------ti-------ve-------------s ?

All of them....

One two three four five

All of them BUSY MF'S

SORRY

RE-----------LA------------TI-------------VE---------------------S

ALL IS WELL

All is well except

The feeling of Impotence is taking hold

All is well except

The same sense of nothingness is creeping in

Nothing achieved, all wasted

Time, education, talent

All wasted....

Affection and kindness and generosity

On wrong people, on wrong people, on wrong people....

Never on your own self, never

Destruction of a person and its soul

Wasted

The person and his soul

And then what ?

Then the end

The end came in the beginning

The beginning came with the end

No one seem to get it

No one seem to understand anything but their own misery

Grass is always greener from some one else's eye

Who doesn't want to be happy ?

What is happiness ?

All gone

All going away

Away where ?

Who knows

If known,won't go away

Will hold it tight

Hold and keep it next to you for ever and ever

Don't let it fly

Once flown away its hard to catch

Couldn't catch when it was sitting there next to you

Now all gone away without catching it

Without preserving it

Without saving it

Gone....

You had such promise

Such personality

Such courage

Such ambition

Such happiness

Such laughter

Such laughter

Such laughter

Gone away.....

You are making me very upset

You are making me very sad 

And the day has just begun

How am I going to go through the day ?

You have disturbed me

You have made me sad

You have reminded me of my past

And the day has just begun

How am I going to go through it ?

THE DAY HAS PASSED

6-30 am

Tea

Knowing, not knowing never knowing

Washed

Dressed

Went

Had Cappuccino with a friend

9 am

Walked

Talked to people on the way

People no 1:

People no 2:

People no 3:

people no 4:

Almond Croissant

Library

Read the NYT

Scribbled

Walked

Window shopping

32nd St

Toys

T shirts

Picture frames

Candles

Pyjamas

hand bags

Shoes

bought nothing

More window shopping

 Body cream

Shower Jel

Bought chocolate

Milk chocolate

Toleberg

Walked

Kebob house

Roti

Ate

Walked

Irving place

Cafe 71 Irving place

Read

Called

Saw a friend

Un-happy friend

Un-happy with husband

Rich

Apt clean

Tea

Had tea

Walked

Saw a friend and her child in the park

Un-happy friend

Un-happy with brother

Had Lemonade at Kasmir

Saw Husband

Dinner

Ate fish with mango chutni

A glass of red wine

Malbec

Shared crem boule

Walked

Apt

11.08 pm

The day has passed

NOT KNOWING, NEVER KNOWING, NEVER

So very disappointing

Everything

What has happened to the glorious nights and days promised

There is no respect

No friendship

No soul

No feeling

For any one or anything

And some of us

So naive, so sad, so suffused with bad behavior

For ourselves, Pathetically waiting, waiting for the same rude

Monsters to insult us again

And again

And again

So we can Supperimpose that feeling of eternal powerlessness

And Impotency.....

Why do we need the rudeness of strangers and the loved ones ?

Why do we need to destroy whats already destroyed ?

What else need to be destroyed ?

There is nothing left........

All gone

All gone

All gone...........

Does any one remeber what we had ?

And now all gone, gone, all gone

Knowingly, unknowingly

Gone

All gone

Gone.........

Now you can sit and cry

Be helpless

But you wanted to be helpless

You wanted to be Pathetic

Otherwise why would you wait for the Ignorant

The rude

The Illiterate

The biggots

The control freaks

To upset you ?

And they do up set you

Again and again

and

Again

You must want it

You must need it

You must love this not very elegant torture

You must have no respect at all

Not at all

For yourself

What ?

Self ?

Yourself ?

What a laugh....

What a laugh....

What a laugh....

Put it in a play

Let people feel for the pathetic creatures on the street corners

Beggars

Begging

What is the beggar begging for ?

What is the beggar begging for ?

What is the beggar begging for ?

Beggar is not getting anything

Beggar is not getting a penny

Beggar is still in the same corner

Why ?

That's the question

Why is the beggar still in the same corner when he is not getting even a penny ?

But beggar is still in the same corner

Does the beggar know that he is not getting a penny today....

Perhaps he knows

Perhaps he has hope for today

Some one should tell the poor beggar that he won't get even a penny just like yesterday

And the day before

And the day before that.....

Does the beggar know ?

Its in his not knowing, never knowing, never....

He is not knowing that he is a beggar ?

Or his not knowing that he won't get a penny today ?

Both...

He doesn't know that he is a beggar

And he doesn't know that he won't even get a penny today

But he should know....

He doesn't...

Why not ?

Thats why he is a beggar

and he doesn't know that he is dealing with lack of

Sophistication

And lack of grace

And lack of sensitivity

and lack of generosity....

Thats why he stands at the same corner hoping

Against hope

Hoping in the kindness of the stranger

And the kindness of the familiar

But the passerby repeats the same process...

Keep passing him by

They notice him but they keep passing him by

Thats their power

To pass him by

To pass the beggar by

They will be disturbed if the beggar is not there tomorrow

Then they will stop for a fraction of a second

And think of him.

'What happened to the beggar ?"

'The beggar was here yesterday, what happened to the beggar ?"

They need him to be there

They want him to be there

Begging....

Its their power...

If he begs

Thats their power

The beggar begging....

They don't have to give him anything

But the beggar must beg

Thats the power

They need their power which doesn't even cost them a penny

Power is for free

Take it if you want

Or give it to some one else.....

The beggar gives his power to some one else.....

The one who doesn't even give him one penny

The beggar is so pathetic

Not knowing, never knowing, never

He gives his power to the passerby

Without even getting a penny in return....

Thats why he is a beggar

He gave his power away

Long time ago

He gave his power away

Not knowing, never knowing, never

And made himself into  a tramp

A clown without the red nose

A fakir without ever having a kingdom

He owned a kingdom once

He gave it to the man in suit and a tie

He gave it to him

The man ran out and bought criisp, clean, white shirts with it

So he can be respectable

The white clean shirt is needed to be respectable....

Like Pinter said something like this, "Doesn't want his clean white shirt to be

dirtied by the blood of the Innocent Iraqi child..."

"Blood is dirty."

The beggars shirt is dirty

Does the beggar has a shirt ?

Can't tell...

Where did the beggar get the shirt if he is wearing a shirt ?

Was the shirt clean when beggar got the shirt ?

How much did the beggar paid for the shirt ?

Was the beggar's shirt clean when he gave it to the passer by ?

Was the shirt clean enough for the passer by to be powerful in it ?

Why did the beggar gave his powerful shirt away ?

Was the beggar's powerful shirt taken from him ?

Was the beggar's powerful shirt stolen from him ?

Was the beggar powerful before his clean shirt was stolen from him ?

Why the beggar's clean shirt was stolen from him ?

Was the beggar careless when some one stole his clean, crisp, white shirt ?

Did the beggar know that some one was stealing his white clean shirt ?

Or

Did he not know ?

Why did he not know ?

Why did he let it happen ?

Did he know or did he not know

Is knowing that his shirt was being stolen good ? or not good ?

If he knew that his shirt was being stolen why did he not stop the thief ?

Did he see the thief stealing his white, clean shirt?

If he saw the thief stealing his shirt, why did he not stop him ?

Did the beggar not like his own clean shirt ?

Did he want to give it away and be wrapped in rags ?

Did he want to be pathetic ?

Or was he already pathetic when he gave his clean shirt away and wore rags /

Did the beggar know that he was pathetic ?

Does the beggar stand in this corner every day without getting a penny because he knows that he is pathetic ?

Or his pathetic tragedy is in his not knowing? never knowing...

Never.............

SLEEPING,NOT SLEEPING ALL NIGHT NOT SLEEPING

Sleep has become the brand new problem

It doesn't come at night

The day time, I don't need it

But it doesn't come any way

At night,it laughs at me

Mocks me

'Do you think I am going to visit you tonight ? "  "Do you ?"

"Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha."

Sleep on the right side of the bed ?

Sleep on the left side of the bed ?

Sleep in the middle ?

Sleep on your back ?

Sleep on your side ?

Trey

Try again

"I am not coming."  "Don't try so hard." 

"Don't expect me, let me come if I want to."

"Don't push me, Don't control me."

"Don't ever try to control me,I am a control freak myself."

"I am the biggest control freak in the night."

"I control your night."

"The coolness of the moon,  the crispness of the sheets."

"The disturbance in your head wanting to just sleep."

"Don't try to control me,  Get up, walk aroud,look out the window."

"Smell the darkness of the night."

'Listen to the quiet of the street."

"All drunkards gone home or fallen down on the footpath."

"Police sirens died down too, no crash is expected."

"All restful, all resting."

'Me too,  I am resting,  I need rest, I am relaxing in my own domain."

"I won't come to you tonight, get up and do some thing useful instead of always waiting for me."

"Why do you wait so much ? "  "Why don't you do something useful instead of waiting for me ?"

"Get on the face book,  do twittering, read the Huffington post,better than tossing and turning."

"Oh! you poor thing,  poor thing doesn't want to get on the face book or do twitter or read the Huff,poor thing want to sleep."

"But sleep is busy. its the tech age, sleep is on the face book perhaps, making new friends, chatting,"

What is this word, "Chatting." means ?

Wasn't chatting between two people ? Face to face ? looking into each other's eyes ?

Smiling ? Laughing ? reacting ? The body language ?

"Chatting?"  With whom ? The screen silly, the screen,  we are now all screens, hiding behind screens, chatting behind screens, awake, wide awake....

Sleep itself is technologically advanced, is chatting with some of her friends on the face book...

laughing away at all the widely awake people wishing for her to visit them, eye to eye,

Sleep got her self a web site, face book, a blog, twitter which twitters for her, the I phone, the Wi Fi, the Mi Fi, you name it, the sleep got it...all the gagets...sleep is keeping busy...

It visits me no more....

The whole next day is wasted with the anticipation of sleep on the previous night....

The sleep is up-set at me like my family, like the friends, like the neighbors, like the publishers, like the producers, like the funders, like the critics, like the dogs,

Like the cats, like the garbage in the streets, like the aweful smell in tompkins square parks newly renovated dog run...aweful new smell of renovation mixed with the dog piss and shit....

Sleep is up-set at me like the rotton smell at the dog run....

Buy some perfumes to seduce the sleep

Some lavender smelling oils, like herbal sleepy time teas, give all your money to the organic tea time section of the whole food....

Spend some money to buy sleep

Sleep is arrogant

Sleep is elegant

Sleep is powerful

Sleep is in control

Spend some good money to buy sleep

Spend your whole pay check at the whole food store to buy sleep

But I don't have a pay check

I never have a pay check....

Thats why sleep doesn't come near you

You don't have a paycheck.........

Sleep needs to be bought like evrything else

Sleep needs you to have connections with some rich ass hole, some rich ,influential ass hole 

to be recomended by....

Sleep is highly attitude comodity, celebrity....

Sleep doesn't come to the ones without a paycheck.....

Go get connected first...

Do you have any connections with any one elegant and fashionable to bring you the elegant sleep ?

Do you have any connection of any sort ?

Do you have any connections of any sort with any thing or any body ?

Connectionless fool waiting for sleep at night.......

Honey you got it all wrong...

You lived your life all wrong....

Go ahead and die and then come back and then live your life all over again....

Come back and fail but fail better,  like Becket said....

You don't know Becket ?

She doesn't know Becket

She doesn't even know Becket and she has failed in every department

including the department of sleep

She doesn't even know Becket,  she can't even fail better.....

How is sleep going to visit this Naive sleepless soul ?

AMAZING TRANSFORMATION OF CONSEQUENCE

They must be more miserable than me all their lives

Because they behaved exactly like I am behaving these days

And these days like no days before I am miserable

Miserable like never before

Miserable like a son of a bitch

Miserable like a bitch herself

Miserable like all the miserable sons of bitches and all the bitches put together

Morning and day

And day and morning

The misery come back to welcome me

and them

Misery always came to welcome them any way

Misery came and never left

Misery never took a holiday

Misery came and stayed

Even when you die the misery will stay

So get used to it baby

Don't get up and look for something different every morning

Don't get ready to go to bed and look for something different every night

Misery was here and misery is here to stay

They experienced misery long before I did

They were always miserable

I am lucky it came to me at a much later date

Thank God that I had some concern,

Some love,

Some affection,

Some kindness,

Some generosity,

Some feeling,

Some sensitivity,

Some dignity,

Some sense of love,

Some sense of concern,

Some sense of caring

Some kind of love,

For the human race

The way I feel now like all the rest of sons of bitches and the bitches themselves

How could have I passed most of my life in such a miserable way ?

Thank god for my love of people in the past

Thank god for my sense of justice in the past

Thank god for my tenedre heart in  the past for the ones I cared for

And I cared for a lot

Thank god for that

Now the misery came to visit and never left

But its been only a short while for me

That misery had been my guest

But them, and them, and them,and them

Had misery since a long time, a long long time

They had misery since they were born

Thank god that I have been miserable for a short time

Thank god that I have been miserable for not such a very long time

Thank god that I am now aware of the miserable state I am in like them

Now I need to get it away from me, this house,and from everything I go near

Thank god I am feeling the desire to hate this miserable state I am in

Thank god that I am not trying to be intimate with this this misery

Trey were always like I am now

Miserable

They have been miserable for a very long time

Now they are so used to it that it has become

A big part of their lives

People are miserable

They tell you they are miserable before you speak to them

They tell you they are miserable

So miserable. so miserable that they are telling you with their

Eyes, their hands,

Their limbs,

Their legs,

Their feet,  their teeth

That they are miserable

So don't speak to them

They are miserable and they want to stay that way

Thank god that I realized that I am as miserable as

All the sons of bitches and the bitches themselves

Now Perhaps I will make an effort to be not like them

Lets say that the whole world is now completely miserable

So why can't just be one person who can be different ?

That person is going to be me

I am taking the misery out of my apt and send it for a long long long holiday

To Bahamas

Or Spain

Or Morocco

or Indonesia

Or Qairo

Or Istambul

Or Ukrain

No, no even the misery doesn't want to go to Ukrain

They will ship the misery right back to Istambul as a prostitute

There is sex traffic going on

Some miserable human beings are doing drug traffic

and sex traffic and dog traffic

And opium traffic

And arms traffic

I told you there is a lot of misery in the world

he world is full of miserable sons of bitches and bitches themselves

I have been miserable only a while

A while before I wasn't so miserable

But they all said, that something was wrong with me

They all said, that I wasn't like the rest of the sons of bitches and the bitches

They said,  why must I be different than them ?

Thry said, if I was a human being, which I was like them then I had to be like them

So I became like them

Miserable like them

Very miserable just like them

Now I am like all the miserable sons of bitches and all the 

Miserable bitches

Now I fit in the world

Miserable people walking around

Looking really miserable

Miserable people in the cafe

Miserable people at the whole food store

Miserable people at Trader Joe

Miserable people at the concert

Miserable people at the box office

Miserable people at the post office

Miserable people at the copy machine

Miserable people eating

Miserable people drinking

Miserable people at the White house

Planning to rain down misery on nations

Miserable advisers

Miserable consultants

Miserable doctors

Miserable shop keepers

Miserable hair dressers

Miserable,  dogs in the park just as miserable like their owners

Now I am just a miserable like the rest of the sons of bitches

Now I really fit in

But I don't want to fit in

I want to be one person who doesn't fit in

I don't want to fit in

I want my misery go away from me and my apt

I want to be just like I was before

Not fitting in, never fitting in...

Lately  have been miserable just like them

I guess I became miserable just to ubderstand what misery does to a human being

I was envious of them

I was intimidated by them

I admired them

I wanted to be aloof

Indifferent

Cruel

Injust

Greedy

Selfish

Self loving

Aggressive

Angry

Miserable

Like them

I wanted to be miserable like all the sons of bitches and the miserable

Bitches

I tried

I really tried

To be like them

To fit in

To fit in the world

Now I am just like them

Now I fit in

Now I am completely miserable just like them

Now I don't want to fit in

Now I want to be what I was before

Now I want to be that cherishable

Naive

Innocent

Childlike

Giving

Loving

Caring person again

Now I want to be the person who doesn't fit in this miserable, miserable world

Now I want to run away and find that orignal me

The real me

The me which was before

Now I look for that real me who didn't fit in

That me who stood out

That me who laughed

And made other people laugh

That me who gave without anger

That me who cared

That me who loved

Without conditions

Without returns

That me who was foolish in love

Foolish in generosity

Foolish in patience

Foolish in kindness

I want that, "Me"

I am looking for me

That previous me

That silly me who didn't know how to fit in the world

Now I am looking for that me

Now I am going to keep looking...

Till I find me

Take that orignal me out of this miserable world and put me all alone

by myself like I was before....

Without misery and without the miserable sons of bitches and all the miserable bitches

Who are so miserably trying to be a part of this Rotton miserable mass of filth

Who loves to kill 

Love to maim

Love to spill blood for this reason and that reason

There is always a reason right ?

Its a reasonable world

After the centuries of misery now they are trying to be reasonable.....

I don't want misery

I don't want reason

I don't want to fit in.............in this misery planet

Thank god the misery has been with me a short while

I tasted it

Its bitter

Very bitter

No, not bitter sweet

Bitter

Taste like blood

And I never like the look of blood or the taste of blood or the smell of blood

But I am glad I tasted it

Because I always wanted to be miserable like all the rest of the sons of bitches and all

The miserable bitches so I could also fit in their party

Thank God I tasyed it

The bitter fruit and spit it out

Thank God That I went through it

And now want no part of the blood games...

I don't like the smell of blood

The color of blood

The taste of blood

And misery smells the same

Taste the same 

Looks the same

BEing miserable is just like being a murderer

Just like as if you came with a sharp knife and murdered an innocent

Human being.....

And spilled his innocent blood on the street full of other miserable

human beings

NO, I don't want to taste the bitter fruit of misery again

Its tastes of blood

I don't want to fit in.....................

I want to look for original me............

THE RAIN HAS STOPPED

The rain has stopped

And the sun has come out

Now go out

And do what ?

Go out and get some air

From where?

Get some air

From where?

From the park

Park is full of dogs

Park is full of air

Park is full of dogs

Park has air and the park has dogs

So the air is full of dogs

No,  the air is full of the park

You mean the park is full of dogs

Dogs and the air

The dog air

You mean ?

You mean for me to have the dog air ?

Breath dog air in the park

Go out and breath dog air

Thats what you mean ?

Don't you ?

I mean,  go out and get some air

Its stopped raining

But the air has dogs in it

No the park has dogs in it

So then the air has dogs in it

The park has dogs in it

What's wrong with you this morning ?

This morning ?

Yes,  this morning

I feel the same every morning

But every morning it doesn't rain

It rains

It rained yesterday

It rained day before yesterday

It rained roday

But it has stopped raining

But it rained today

Yes, It rained today and now it has stopped raining

Now its sunny

Now you can go out 

Go out and do what ?

Get some air

Air has dogs

Get some coffee then

Where ?

Some coffee shop

Where ?

All over, the coffee shops are all over the place

There is no coffee shops, I don't see any coffee shop,

I only see cafe's

Its the same thing

Its not

Its the same thing, coffee shop,  cafe, the same thing

Its not the same thing, one is a coffee shop and the other is a cafe

Its the same thing

But it has two different names

Like what ?

Like a coffee shop and a cafe

Same thing

Its not,  two different names mean two different things, English language is very precise.

Its a place where you can get a cup of coffee

It depends what kind of coffee

Coffee is just coffee

Its not

Coffee is just coffee

No its not

One is just a coffee and the other is an expresso coffee

No difference

There is a hell of a lot of difference

Ok,so go out and get a coffee or an expresso coffee

But where should I go /

Go to a coffee shop

But there is no Expresso available in a coffee shop, its only available in a cafe

So go to a cafe

But I don't know if I want expresso

So, what do you want ?

I don't kniw what I want, I want nothing

But you told me that you want coffee

No, you told me to go have coffee

I told you  to go out and get some air

But the air has dogs in it

So go out and get some coffee

Where ?

A coffee shop

Coffee shop doesn't have expresso, a cafe does

So go out to a cafe and have an expresso

But I don't want an expresso

What do you want ?

I want nothing

If you want nothing then why do you complain about the  rain ?

I want the rain to stop

So you can go out ?

Not necessarily

Then why do you want rain to stop ?

Just like that

Just like that ?  Things should have purpose

I just want rain to stop

Why ?

So the sun can come out

So you can go out ?

Not necessarily

What do you want ?

Nothing

Then why do you want the rain to stop ?

Just want the rain to stop for a change

What kind of a change that is ?

The sun comes out

You don't do much with the sun

I still want the rain to stop and the sun to come out

So you can go out and get some sun ?

Not necessarily

Then why do you want the sun to come out ?

For a change

Change ?

Yes,  for a change,  for sun to have a change from the rain

So rain can go away and the sun can come out

Rain so far has the power over the sun, I want the sun to have power now

Power has to be equally distributed between the sun and the rain....

The rain has stopped now and the sun has come out

I am glad for that

Now you can go out and get some air and some sun

Its not for me that I wanted sun to come out, I wanted sun to have a chance

I don't have to go get some sun

I wanted sun to come out, have a chance to come out and dominate rain....

Its for sun's sake I wanted it to come out,not for me to get some sun

But you can also go out and get out of this stuffy room and get some air and some sun....

But the air has dogs in it

And the sun ?

I don't want to share the sun's glory,  I am not a free loader like others

You have taken yourself out of life

No I haven't

You have, you don't go out, rain or sunshine, you don't go out, you have taken your self out of life

No I haven't, I have a life, I have a room.

RUSHED,  HURRIED,  INTIMIDATED

Again it happened

It was not suppose to

But it happened again

Got intimidated

By whom

By the un-important hustler

Aggressive, non talented no bodies

The eternal peoblem

Doesn't go away

Never goes away

Trying and trying 

Again and again

But not trying hard again

Get Intimidated

By whom ?

By the no bodies

Thats the shame

The eternal shame

They are nothing

A piece of hustle

No talent at all

Get intimidated by the talent if you have this 

Destructive need

Afraid ?

Please....

Look at them

So pathetic

No,  not them,  you....

Go away

Drown yourself

No point in telling again and again

And never listening

Never listening

Never ever listening to any thing

Healthy about the good life

A respectable life

An integrity filled life

A classy principled life

Yes,  thats it

No principle...

No

No principle at all....

Do not do what is not supposed to be done

Intimidation....

By the fools

Ghunda mushtundas...

Who are you ?

Where do you come from ?

What do you have ?

Do you have talent ?

Yes

Are you sure ?

Yes

Yes, what ?

Have talent

Then why the intimidation by hustlers

Because they are hustlers

Don't be near them

Be alone

Have dignity

Your own dignity

Always available for intimidation

By aggression

By a hustle

Refuse them

Say no

Always say no

Don't be afraid

Are you afraid ?

Yes

Shame

Are you afraid ?yes

Of the hustelers ?

Yes

Shame

Are you afraid of the non talented hustlers ?

Yes

A shame

A big shame

If its in your blood to be afaraid then be afraid of the talent

Be afraid of Shakespeare

Be afraid of Tennessee Williams

Be afraid of Ibsen

Be afraid of Pinter

Be afraid of Becektt

Be afraid of James Joyce

Be afraid of Chekhov

Be afraid of Dostovesky

Be afraid of God

Tomorrow be afraid of the first person on the list

And then day after be afraid of the 2nd person on the list

Then on the third day be afraid of the third person on the list

And go on and on and on....

Till you have no time to be intimidated by no bodies

No bodies,  non talents,  aggressive scum......

Begin tomorrow

Begin today

Today is tomorrow...

Its 4:07 in the morning

DAY AND NIGHT AND THEN NIGHT AND DAY

Night and day

And then day and night

And thats how it goes

Every day and every night

Things postponed for a long time will be done tomorrow...

That being said at night when one can't sleep because of the guilt and remorse and sorrow

Of the day passed

Than then the day comes

And nothing gets done

Deliberately,  destructively, sadly....

The same routine is going on

The same lack of routine is going on

Always hated the word routine....

When will the things get done ?

Things which need to be done

Everyday and every night

Some people are good at it

Need to hire some one to do it

Who ?  Who ? Who ?  Who ?

The things need to be done during the day are,

Delicate,

Fragile,

Sensitive,

Precious.

Things need to be done during the night are,

Delicate,

Sensitive,

Precious.

All is in my own dreams

In my own Imagination

In my own lack of will

In my own self-destruction....

Things need to be done by me

And I don't do them

Day and night

Then night and day

Everyday

And every night

Its the same desire

Every day its the same shame

A difficult combination 

Of desire and shame

Shame and desire

I wonder where it came from ?

And I wonder where it went ?

And what happened to that big ambition ?

And what happened to that Little ambition ?

And that courage ?

That enormous courage of a little girl

And the lethargy of the big girl

Oh,  the word lethargy is so meek

Its the paralysis of will

Its the paralysis of desire

Its the paralysis of ambition

Its the paralysis of energy

Its the paralysis of happiness

And the laughter perhaps

Yes,  perhaps its the laughter too

So much has been gone...

Not there....

Not there any more.

But why ?

Don't know....

Don't know....

Don't know....

At night courage tries to seep in and says,

'Tomorrow",  "Tomorrow." "Tomorrow."

At day courage runs away.....

With a vigor of a tiger

Laughing at me

Teasing me,

'I will never come back."

"I will never come back."

"I am gone for ever and ever and ever."

Today is such a day

Tonight will be such a night

With such a sad note I will leave you alone,

You sad day

With such a sad note I will leave you alone

You sad night

Do what you will to me

You are free of remorse and anguish and regret

Do what you will to me

Every night

And every day.