THESE AWFUL DREAMS

TESE AWFUL DREAMS

iT HAD TO BE SOMEWHERE IN THE BRONX
i REMEMBER THAT VIVEDLY

But there was a junction
A railway junction or some big square with lots of arteries
Leading to so many other junctions
It was widely spread out
Reminded me of Duras's novel, 'The English mint
Where the leading lady murder her maid, chop her up in pieces
and send them out to many trains from a particular railway junction
such as this one in the dream........

And Bronx of my dream was just beyond this junction
And I had to figure it out how to get through this section to
get to my destination

I asked many people about the way
Some kept passing me by and some were helpful
But quite confusing....
Some told me to take a particular bus and then another bus and then another bus
But they couldn't tell me where to get off the first time, the second time and the third time as well

Also they couldn't tell me what number bus to take
So I kept standing there and kept asking strangers for help
But no one was precise enough
I noticed even in my dream that I am very good in giving directions
I mean thats the reason people ask for directions
Because they don't know the way
And if you take that challenge
You should be mighty sure how to guide the poor slobs
with no knowledge of the road......

I mean if you tell them to turn right at some point and their point of desire
is on the left side, you misguided the poor bastard
Who was lost to begin with but now will be completely crazy
ight even chop the head of his companion after suffering the rage of the road
And the heat of august on that road with motels , ugly motels on the road
And no place to cool off.......

So ne has to be very careful in giving directions
I tell people exactly how to get places when I am awake
Only when I am asleep I am lost
And I ask lost people for directions

There is something to be learnt about from my dreams
'Asking directions from the people who are completely lost
And don't know at all even the number of the bus even if they live in the same street
Oh!well, whatever
They couldn't guide me to my destination
I know I had a destination
I had to get to the Bronx
And I had to go to the Bronx
And I didn't know the way
Because in my real life I haven't been to the Bronx

Then the scene changes
The dreams are like movies
The scenes change
Some times it moves forward and some times it goes back
There are flash backs
And then the dream is broken some time
You wake up and you are sweating
Because the fan in the bed room is lousy
Cheaply made in China
Like everything else
I bet you If I dreamt of going to China I won't know the way

I know someone who went to China to marry some young slut
Who is ripping him off and he calls it, 'LOVE'
MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR
'LOVE" ........
Like I have been looking for the Bronx
Not so great a place to go to or look for
But looking desperately nevertheless
'LOVE' IS LIKE THAT
EVERY ONE IS LOOKING FOR IT AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND IT
NO ONE KNOWS THE DIRECTION TOWARDS LOVE.
EVERYONE IS LOST ON THE ROAD TO LOVE

Now the scene changes
I am somewhere closer to it
The place I am looking for
But I am still not there
And I know I have to get two important tickets or cards or passess to enter that academy
Which is in the Bronx
And once I am admitted to it I will be fine
Its seemed like RADA
Royal Academy of dramatic arts in London
If you want to be a serious actor you have to get in RADA
I don't know where its located in London
BUT I KNOW ITS VERY PRESTIGIOUS
And once you are in, you get work in great institutions such as the National theater
I knew in my dream that I was not in London
Thats for sure
I was in the Bronx but the place I was looking for seemed as important as RADA
BECAUSE I WAS DESPERATE TO GET TO IT........

Then I was in a room, or loft or a house
Whatever it was it was very big
The room I mean
And there was a maid
Who was dressing a child who was a cripple
A good looking rich cripple
She was very sensitive with the child
And his dress was expansive looking
He also wore sun glasses
Fancy Italian looking dark, round sun glasses
Like the one's Johnny  Depp wears when he doesn't want to be recognized
Why go out at all when you don't want to be recognized?

Actually its the opposite
You want to be recognized by the whole world behaving like
They are bothering you, not leaving you alone but actually they are dying to be seen
They are afraid they will be forgotten soon and they will be for sure
Every one is going to be forgotten soon
Thats for sure
But actually I like Johnny Depp
I should have used another star's name
They all try to hide behind their most expansive sun glasses
Thats tacky......

Oh! well, this poor little cripple kid was wearing sunglasses such as
The stars and was being taken somewhere by the maid
Maybe he was also going to the Bronx at some fancy school
But I feel that we were both very close to our destination in the Bronx
Me and the cripple kid......
I don't know if he found the place he was going to
But I was moving in circles
Asking people again and again
Making some Americans very angry,
'Miss you asked me before, you asked me which bus to take to the Bronx
And I told you to take one bus, then the other bus, then a third one and you will be in the Bronx,
Now leave me alone, I am very anxious about my own fucked up life and if you asked me one more time about the bus, I will shoot you with my un-licensed gun."

And he took his gun out and every one started to scream and run, but I just stood still
and couldn't move an inch and people kept shouting, "Get away from him, get away from him."
But I couldn't move at all.
For the first time I felt grounded
My feet firmly grasping the hot lava melted road to the Bronx and then he took an aim at me......

AND I WOKE UP......AND IT WAS SO HOT AND I WAS SWEATING AND THE FAN WAS STILL LOUSY AND I COULDN'T MOVE, COULDN'T MOVE AT ALL............................
WONDERING WHAT WAS IT THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR IN THE BRONX?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It seemed like we were all attending a conference somewhere in an Important country
There were lots of men participating in whatever that conference was
I knew somewhere deep down in my heart that he was there also
A man I had once desired
I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All those men in the conference room desired me
I know that
But I was only looking for the one I desired
And desired for so long
I know he was there
Part of the conference
But I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All other men lost my attention
As if they were not there at all
As if the room was full of them but they weren't there at all
As if they all vanished
Vanished like thin air up in the clouds
And their Armani suits were just the shadows of them
Just shadows sitting in those plush chairs in the conference room
They were perhaps there but I couldn't see them
I couldn't careless actually
I was looking for the one I couldn't find
He was there somewhere outside the conference room
I know he was there
Maybe he was drinking champagne in the lounge waiting for me
He also knew that I was there
I know it
I know that he knew

We have been looking for each other for thirty years
We met once
But the time wasn't right
There were restrictions on, 'Love" and 'Desire"
So we contained our love and desire for each other in our bosoms
And moved far far away from each other
And desire became bigger and stronger
And today it will be fulfilled
After such a long time
After such a long long time
I will touch my love
The love I have been desiring for so long
And he is somewhere outside sipping champagne
And the others are asking and answering such boring questions and answers
in the conference room
Their bosoms are puffed up with the salaries they get for hyping themselves up
by saying things no one can understand
Roundabout questions and answers
Just so full of themselves
So full of themselves that their Armani suits are bursting
And they haven't even eaten the gourmet five course lunch
prepared for them yet................

They know everything
They have knowledge of science and biology and philosophy and religion and technology
and they are so important
So very important
Thats why they were invited
But why am I here?
I am not in a suit and I have no knowledge of technology and what it can do to fulfill
Our desires................
I just have desire for the man I met once
He was in white
It was a hoy, hot summer day
In a far away hot land
And we were in a garden
Full of jasmine and daffodils and birds such as bulbuls
Singing, singing songs of love
And we were in the garden
The same garden but on the opposite ends of the garden
He was in white
A white linen shirt
And white linen lose pants
I was also in white
A white flowing dress
It was a hot country
Mostly we wore white
He was on the opposite side of the garden
And he desired me
And I desired him
I know he did
Because I desired him..............

We never poke
But made a promise
That we will meet again
And then we will hold each other and kiss
We will kiss
Silently
We won't speak to each other
We won't say a single word
But we will meet
And we will kiss each other
We will fulfill our desire

And its been thirty years
And he is here
And I am here
And I know he is here
I just have to find him...................................
I loved him once
And I love him still
I just have to find him............................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

i was carrying a huge black bag
A carry on kind of bag
But it was so huge that If I was going to take a plane with it,
They for sure would not let me carry it on the plan
I will have to check it and pay extra money for it
But I am sure in my dream I wasn't taking a flight
I was going somewhere near
As if I was going home for the night

There were lots of people
Women and men
Asking me a few questions
It seemed like as if we just finished a lengthy rehearsal
And the actors were asking many questions
Actors didn't seemed satisfied
Thats not so rare
But in the dream it wasn't clear as if we were in show business
Or even any where near it

But questions were being asked of me about the contents of the bag
And I opened the zipper
And the bag was full of things
So crowded that I couldn't get even my hand in there
There was tons of fruit
Like apricots, nuts, pears, plums,
Even some melons
And there was a huge book
Or at least looked like a book
Maybe it was a huge script
Maybe we were all actors
Maybe we did just finished a rehearsal and the actors were curious about the script
Curious or maybe critical
Critical , is more like it......

They were asking me things such as these
Like ,"What part in the script is against the Quran
And which part is in favor of it?"
And I was telling them that, 'Some parts in the script/book were against
And some are in favor of the Quran
And they asked me if I could show them the real pages
And I tried but couldn't get grasp the script
The bag was too full
And if I interfered more all the fruit will rip apart and the bag will be full of juice and
Everything in it would be stained
And I didn't want that to happen
I felt in my dream that everything in the bag was dear to me
And I didn't want anything to be spoiled

Bag seemed too precious to me
Not the actual bag
The bag was so huge and ugly actually
But the content seemed very special
Especially the book
Maybe it was the Quran
But I know it was not
I know it well
That part of the dream was very clear
But the questions from the women surrounding me were also very clear
They were for sure about the Quran
They were repeatedly asking me about the good and the bad parts

But I couldn't get to the book in the bag
Things were in the way
But I knew I have to do a lot of work when I get to the place
I was heading towards....
I was aware that I had to assign different roles to different people
I had to look very carefully at the script and find things
For appropriate actors...............

So it seems like that it was a script
Some kind of fiction dealing with important subjects
Subjects such as religion and love perhaps
But none of these two topics are of any importance in the 21st Century
'Love" has lost its definition completely
The word, "LOVE" gets mixed up with "Tinder" and all
The digital utopia has also something to do with, "Love"
'Sex is part of love
Isn't it?
And "Tinder is all sex
Thus a big part of love.............

So my bag had some references to the Quran obviously
And ,"Fruit" represented love and sex and the original sin
Maybe there was an apple somewhere in the bag too
An apple which Eve ate long time ago and I was now looking for it
But the apple was eaten
And the one in my bag from the farmers market
was not the original apple
That apple had already been eaten
The :LOve" had already been eaten
So perhaps there was no love in my bag
And for sure no Quran
21st Century ended love and religion
Religion turned into killings
And love turned into Tinder

Such advancement in the world
And I have just learnt the word Tinder recently
While millions are using it
Millions are in love
So love hasn't ended
It has gone into space
Its a cloud ow
Love is a cloud
Maybe that was the title of the script in my huge black bag
"LOVE IS A CLOUD, IT HAS MANY SHAPES AND STILL
HAS NO SHAPE.................
IT HAS SPREAD UPWARDS IN THE SKY
SKY HAS LOVE
NOT US.....
SHAPE OF LOVE CAN'T BE DEFINED ANY MORE......................