THOUGHTS OF A RAMBLER, IDLER AND AN ADVENETURER

THOUGHTS OF A RAMBLER, IDELER AND AN ADVENTURER

I have always loved Dr Samuel Johnson.

 Just an admirer . I have always

loved the words such as, "Rambler"  "Idler" "Adventurer" and since I have been just rambling all my

life, (Critics are my witnesses that I am nothing but a rambler  I decided to ramble on about

everything and anything which comes to my head, "Thoughts" 'Observations" Incidents" "Anecdotes"

"Sketches" Monologues" 'Scenes" 'Political Analysis" 'News" 'Lies related to the news" "Curiosities"

'Disappointments" 'Lack of discipline " 'Bad habits" "Therapy of self" 'Therapy of a disturbance"

"Upcoming events such as elections" 'Thoughts of power by Idiots"  'Lets make things great"

'Lets do what we say we should do every day AND THEN NEVER DO IT."

'Disappointments"  "Happiness and its un-ending search"  "Loneliness in the Western World."

"Lack of communication." "Cultural misunderstandings"  "Religious misunderstandings." "Wars in

the World" "Oscars"  "Grammys "  "Awards, Awards, Awards"  "Lack of awards " "Money"

"Lack of money"  'Apt not in order, never in order."  "Too much passion moving fast into lack of

passion"  'Admiration of certain writers"  Chekhov, Pinter, Camus, Duras,  Baudelaire ,

Gogol, Pushkin, Flaubert, Shakespeare , Edgar Allen Poe, Bernard Shaw, Joyce, Becket , Byron,

Keats, Elliot, Isherwood, Khalil Gibran, Omar Khyam, Baldwin, Flaubert, Victor Hugo, Gide, Oscar

Wilde,  Painters, Picasso, Van Gogh, Rembrant, Miro, Chagal, Turner,....

And so many others I can't think of their names right now....

See, I have so much to ramble on, so much, it can keep me busy for hours, days, weeks, months

and years....So what's ailing you then?  When you have so many artists  that you admire and can

study?

But I don't admire myself.  I think I have wasted a lot of time....Waste, which is a sin to say the

least and I am still wasting time,....

I need self therapy by a private therapist which I actually have and its me.  I am my own private

therapist, my own private psychiatrist, and I tell myself every day, I write to myself every day

about the same thing,  Hundreds  of handwritten notebooks of mine are filled by my advice to myself

and the advice is amazingly the same every day, every hour and it has never been taken....

And trust me the advice is practical, simple and not very un-achievable but somehow because of

some disturbing ailment of mine it has never been taken and the sad thing about it is that I have

never stopped giving it to myself and not hating myself for not taking it, the advice of a private

Psychiatrist to me.....Either I should take it or stop giving..........

Settle one way or the other...But that is exactly the disturbance.  "The disturbance is of an un-known

nature.  The more I stress it, the more destructive I become.

For example,  when I tell myself to put an order to my apt, I put more disorder, The more I tell myself

to lose weight, the more I gain it, The more I tell myself to get up and do some exercise, the more I

sit....

the more I tell myself not to worry about superficial aspects of life the more I worry about it.

The more i tell myself to stop scribbling long hand and use the more disgusting the machine becomes

and it goes on and on and on and on....and self disgust keep increasing and keep increasing and

happiness and satisfaction keep running away, far, far away.......

As Dr Johnson said, 'Happiness is not in external stuff, its within"  He stresses that one should

regulate one's passions" I guess he is suggesting some kind of routine, a daily schedule perhaps or

maybe something not that mundane as the word, "Routine."  I hate the word, "Routine but I do love

the word, "Passion."  So I guess I should listen to him and try to regulate my passion or passions.

 I am pretty sure that I have some passions, such as writing, maybe not typing, that's for

sure, as you can see I am a bad typist but who cares, thats not one of my passions, so why should I

care...F**k it.  Just concentrate on the passions.  Beside writing, my passion is performing,  plays,

performance art, poetry, standing up in-front of an audience, my personality changes, I become,

happy, funny, hilarious even.  Yes, hilarious.  People, real people, (No, I don't consider critics real

people)  There are many factors involved in their criticism, ...its not honest, no, not at all.

that's another...

rambling essay or observation or something.  Maybe I will come back to it another time.

That topic is depressing and it has depressed me immensely and I don't feel like being depressed right

now because my effort to ramble about anything which comes to my mind is my effort to take my

depression away from my precious moments in time....

Well! where were we?

Ok, I remember.  We wee talking about regulating one's passion.  A real advice from Dr Johnson

whom I admire so much and it does make a lot of sense.  If cleaning your apt in an immaculate way,

and...

doing it yourself at the expense of reading a great book is not your passion then don't do it.

Do not get me wrong, don't live in a filthy place, but don't expect a perfectly ordered place like you

used to have back home with the help of a servant or two...(perhaps you have had guilt all these years

that you don't live like you lived back home and some of your family members  still live that way

 and you keep imagining with shame that if they saw the place what would they think?

Thats for sure illness of the mind and an inferiority complex.  You live here.  They live there.  Their

interest are different than yours.  They have help back home.  Labor is cheaper there.  They have

more funds.  Why must you compare yourself with their situation and make yourself miserable all

day long?

You are an artist. At least thats what you think you are, damn the one's who think it any other way.

You are an artist who s not commercially  successful because you were never commercial and you

never thought of money while you were creating your art.  So why should you compare yourself with

 Grammy winners while you are not a singer or compare yourself with any other F**king award

winner any way?

Remember Dr Johnson's advice at all times.  "Happiness does not come from external sources."

'Happiness comes from within you." "Regulate you passions."

Thats the greatest advice any one can give you.  For sure Dr Johnson is a better therapist than you

are.

He has released you from, cleaning your apt, from cooking, from laundry and house old chores...

You admitted, (Or did you?")  and if you didn't then admit now that, cooking, laundry, cleaning is not

 your passion.

So lets concentrate on the rest of your passions beside writing.

Reading.  Drawing. Conversation.  Going out to the theater.  Going out for coffee.

Searching for a  great book.  Politics and its absurdity of lies. Doing a satirical performance about

politics.  Laughing, yes, laughing is one of my great passion.  But some time, (Most of the time )

its hard to practice.  In this busy, busy, busy city of technology,  there is no one to laugh with.

People are not interesting to begin with because they are hooked up to the phone...

(How could they imagine and share anything funny with any one?)

Oh! I don't care about people any more.  Thank God.  There are very very few people I WOULD

LIKE TO BE WITH. At least thats cleared up.  All I have to do is to just regulate my passions and

not give a damn about any thing or any one else. Let me give you a piece of advice...

Let them not like anything you write or draw or perform or the way you live.  Let them hate it .  OK?

 They are not F**king paying you for it, are they?  SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO FOND OF

THEM F**KING........liking it?

 Who the hell are they any way?  They are not part of your passions, so forget about them.

 Since you have a new therapist,  Dr Johnson, you are allowed to get all Tom,  Dick and Harry out

of your head and out of your schedule of thought and "RAMBLE ON"

Listen to your doctor and ramble on without a care in the world and without a trace of fear.

Just pursue your passions. Regulate the passions darling, regulate the passions.