LIFE IN CAFE'S

LIFE IN CAFE'S

Cafe provides happiness

Smell of sun and spice

The elements of happiness

But people have forgotten that

They come in with their machines

The computers, iPhones, with wires attached

That's the modern cafe's

No one talks to any one

Some of them talk very loudly on their phones

Without any consideration of the one who might...

Be eading a book...

Which is quite rare these days...

Watching that no one has a book in their hands

except me...

I was pretty surprised

When I saw people, experts, scientists,

Talk show guests

All sitting in-front of book shelves

ALots of book shelves

With lots of books

I was very surprised

Do they still read books?

But I never see them with a book in cafe's

I guess they read books at home

May be?

They must read

Otherwise why do they have so many books?

And why do always sit in-front of a book shelf

When they are invited for their expertise

On Cable tv ?

I guess, to show off

To show us that they have books

And they are all in their nice book shelves

No dust on those books

At least I don't see any dust on their books

They are all nicely lined up with titles facing us

And the camera...

Is that intentional?

I saw some impressive titles sitting right behind them

Shakespeare and Dante

Am I sure?

Yes, I am sure...

I saw collection of Shakespeare

And in another house in catskills

With Palm trees out side

Plus mountains high above

They had perfect camera angles

And the light

Very complementry

And of course, the book shelf full of books

And flowers

But flowers were artificial

Why any one who lives in catskill

I mean, they don't live there

Those are the second homes for the rich Manhanites

But how come they don't ahve fresh flowers?

Am I sure that the flowers I saw

Were artificial?

For sure

I pay lots of attention to flowers

They were for sure not real flowers

I saw them clearly

Because they were sitting on top of the book shelf

near Dante's Inferno...

These people read Dante?

Wow..I was impressed

But I have never seen any one

And I mean any one reading DANTE in a cafe

And I have spent my life in cafe's

Those places are my social clubs

And also you see people there

All so serious

Doing their work

I mean I have not seen any one reading

Or even carrying a serious book in a cafe...

And that is even beore the technology came in...

But they do have books at home

That was a surprise...

I mean I have an anylytical nature

So I wonder if people don't read books

How come they have so many book shelves

Full of books?

Actually that's what I see

In the time of Covid-19

Because they are all appearing on tv

From their homes

Maybe they went out and bought all those books

And book shelves for their interviews now

But thats not possible

Because all the book shops are closed

I know

I go to book stores a lot

I found a book store last year

They have some books outside their store

Those books only costs a dollar

And I really buy one every day

On my way back home from the cafe

It's on my way back home

Some days I say to my self,

No more books please

Because my book shelves are quiet messy

And getting much mote messier

Since the discovery of this new book store

But no matter how much I promise myself

not to go there...

I by some magic arrive in that particulr street...

Then I say to myself, 'Just look but don't buy today."

"Ok."  I say

And then I explore...

That is really the fun part

To eplore

You never know what you will find...

And I never ever go home without finding a book or two

And some times three even...

"Don't buy any more books."

I say to myself again

"You ...have no place any more."

Books are on the tables, kitchen table,

Dressing table,

Coffee table, on the carpet

Near the bed

On the sofa

Books are every where...

Mostly the old dead writers

I like dead writers

Dead people

I am very fond of dead people

They are nice to me

They teach me things

They don't yell and scream

They don't show attitude with their gestures

In the cafe when they see me with my book

And my flip phone...

I know whta they are thinking

When they see my flip phone on the table

I think like to keep my flip phone on the table

Right in-front of me...

So in case any one calls

No one actually calls any more

Because they text

And I don't

And they can't be bothered with someone

Who doesn't text...

So the phone doesn't ring much

But I still keep it right in-front of me

In case some one calls...

I live in Manhattan

And you know Manhattan people

Are so busy with their careers

They don't have time for some one who doesn't text

It used to upset me, my phone never ringing

But I don't care any more

I really don't

You don't believe me

But I don't care for those kinds of people

I have lots of friends

I mean dead friends

The authors of the books

I am fond of...

They are all my friends

I have so many friends

That I have no time for people

But most of the people don't like me

May be they do

But my analytical nature says,"

"That modern people with modern

Technology don't like you."

"When you walk in the cafe's they look at you

Like you are an alien .'

"What is she doing here in this fancy french cafe."

They say that to themselves

I know it

I know thats what they are saying to themselves

I have skills of reading faces

Reading gestures

I love that

I love that now

It used to bother me

When people gave me looks in the past

"Of what the hell is she doing in this expensive

French cafe with a book in her hand written by a French author."

"I am here because it's a French cafe and I enjoy

reading my book by a French author, what better place

to read Proust and have a medeline than this fancy, real French cafe?"

I want to say to them

But I don't bother

I just enjoy their busy body sense of importance

I learn from their gestures towards me...

It inspire me, their un-sophisticated behavior

'Oh! god, tey are in anice place

With flowers, classical music, chocolate croissnats

And they look so unhappy...

'Why go to a cafe, spend money and look miserable

giving me a feeling,

"That I don't belong here in the elegantly fine French cafe."

I want to tell them,

"Darlings,  I belong here more than any one of you..."

Because I read books written by French authors

And you don't even know their names...

Actually you don't belong here with wires hanging

From your ears and your loud conversations over the wires"

Talk to me nice so I can tell you about Falubert,

And Victor Hugo, and Dumas,  and Mallarux and Camus

You should at least know the name of Camus...

He wrote a book named, THE PLAGUE

And we are all going through the same kind of plague

Right now with Corona Virus...

Get your hearts softened a bit about human beings

even if they have a flip phone and no wires hanging

From their ears...

Camus said in his book,

"Plague is here because the human hearts are hardened."

I am so used to people with hearts not so soft...

That it doesn't surprise me any more...

But what I enjoy the most now is when people

make sarcastic remarks about me to me...

What nerve...

They think I don't understand

But I do

I understand a lot

I have a degree

And I read the dead French writers in real French cafe's

I know  little about, "Existentialism."

I know we are nothing, absolutely nothing, completely

Powerless in our existence...

Which can be snached away in a fraction of a second...

Danger is just around the corner...

Life can leave us behind in a second

Life can vanish at this very moment

In this very cafe where all of us should be equal...

We are all paying for our coffee and croissant...

We are all equal...

We are all prisoners of death

Sooner or later death is going to accompany us for ever and ever...

Be nice

We are all going through the tragedy of Covid-19

And we are all mortal creatures

We are all in the shadow of death...

So please don't give me looks

Because I don't look like you

And I have a flip phone

But we are in the same cafe.

We have good taste

So let me finish my latte, it's getting cold

And I love boiling hot coffee...

I am weired, Right?

You are right...

I was born in a village far away from here

But now I am here in the same cafe with all of you...

Just smile,

For God's sake...

Smile.

Life is fragile and delicate

And life is too short...

Don't forget Corona?

Virus is right behind us.....

Before Corona Virus...

There was lot of elitisim

Though it's not England

Where class system is so prominent

Even if you are born in England

But have a different shade

People will behave differently

I guess according to the shade of your skin color

It's not that obvious here in America

But there are different cities where people

behave differntly

Nyc is the Mecca of attitude

New Yorkers behave differently to Immigrants

There are elite restaurants where rich elite go

There are elegantly elite cafe's where the high society goes...

Since I like cafe's

I am always on the look out for new places to open

And I don't care if I am elite or not

I just need to have enough money for a coffee

and some times a meeline

And I am ok...I go...

Few years ago one of the most fashionable cafe

Owned by a super celebrity opened

It was called Balthazar

You couldn't get reservation there for one whole year

And it was expensive as hell...

After a while they opened one are of the retaurant

Near the bar area and made it into a cafe area

It opened early in the morning

One could go for breakfast or coffee

I went there and I loved it

And I became a regular

I went there every day without fail for at least one yaer

Every body got to know me and became my friend

I felt extremely comfortable there...

I would read the London Guardian, New York Times,

and then do some of my own work

Draw or write...

There were huge and beautiful windows there

And people could see you from out side...

One day, a woman, not a friend but a casual acquinatance ...

walked in there and came over to me and just sat down

Without asking me just sat down at my table...

I wanted to be polite

I am usually very polite person

And I was actually not offended that she sat down

without asking me...

I am not that formal...

But within a fraction of a second

She in a very aggressive mmanner said,

"Oh! You are always at Balthazar reading

And we are always working...

And abruptly left.

I was stunned

Stunned at her bad manners

After that I couldn't read my book

I remeber I was reading, "Paris Spleen."

A collection of prose poems by Boudelaire

My very favorite writer/poet

Who was always talking about beauty  and aesthetics...

'"Soon the beauty and it's aesthetics will completely vanish

From the world because of new Technology."

And it reminded me how true it was after that woman left.

"With beauty and aesthetics all grace and all manners will also vanish"

I said to my self...

We are in 21st Century and the technology has completely

taken over humanity and people have become machines themselves

They have no idea how to deal with human beings...

And now many years have passed since that incident

And I am in another fancy cafe and Corona-Virus is spreading like fire

But there is no lockdown yet and cafe's are still open...

I truely hope that after this tragedy of Covid-19 passess

We will assume our natural instincts of humanity

to be kind to others, to respect others, to cherish all

Skin color, status, elitisim  should be completely discarded

All humanity should realize, especially now

That we are at the edge of a high cliff

And we can slip and fall from that cliff any second...

Corona is just around the corner...

Spreading it's burning like ferocious fire with great anger...

I guess the Corona is angry at us...

Because we have lost grace

Because we have lost beauty

Because we are not kind to others....

PANDEMIC

PANDEMIC

WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL LOSE 20 POUNDS
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WON'T TOUCH BREAD

WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL CUT OUT ALL THE STARCH
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL NOT EAT ICE-CREAM

I WILL GO FOR LONG WALKS
WHEN PANEMIC IS OVER
I WILL GO TO THE RIVER
AND RUN INTO OTHER JOGGERS
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER

I WILL LEARN TECHNOLOGY
SINCE THE ROBOTS ARE COMING TO DO
EVERYTHING...
I WOULD NEED TO KNOW
HOW TO TELL THE ROBOT
WHAT TO DO FOR ME

WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL BUY AN iPHONE
I WILL LEARN HOW TO TEXT
THEN I WON'T TALK TO ANY ONE
ON THE PHONE...
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER

I WILL CLEAN MY APT
I WILL GET A LAUNDRY MACHINE
AND A DRYER
I WILL DO THE LAUNDRY EVERY DAY
I WILL ALWAYS HAVE CLEAN
UNDERWEARS...
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER

WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL WRITE A NOVEL
"MEMOIR". I WILL CALL IT
YES, THAT'S EVERY ONE CALLS THEIR NOVEL
THEY ARE ALL WRITING ONE
THEY SAY IT HAPPENED TO THEM

WELL WHO IS GOING TO FIND OUT?
I WILL ALSO MAKE UP LIES
IN MY MEMOIR
TAKE OUT ALL THE BAD THINGS
ALL THE SHAMEFUL THINGS
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER

MY ,"MEMOIR"  WILL BE CLEAN
WILL BE FABUOLOUS
WILL BE FUNNY
WILL BE FULL OF LIES
IT WILL BE A BEST SELLER

ON NYT
YES,
THAT'S A DREAM COME TRUE
THE NEW YORK TIMES
THE MIGHTY NEW YORK TIMES
NO BAD RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE NEW YORK TIME
THEY WILL FINALLY WILL BE SHAMED
AND KEEP MY ,"MEMOIR"
FOR YEARS AS THE, "BEST SELLER."
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER

ALL OF THESE GREAT THINGS WILL HAPPEN
FINALLY...
SOMETHING HAD BEEN TELLING ME TO WAIT
"WAIT FOR WHAT?"
I WOULD ASK
"WAIT FOR SOME DISASTER TO HAPPEN"
"WHY?"
I WOULD ASK
"TO GIVE YOU AND YOUR LAZY BODY
A JOLT...

SO I GOT THE JOLT
AND I AM WAITING FOR THE PANDEMIC TO BE OVER
FOR ME TO START ALL THOSE MARVELOUS THINGS PENDING
"HOW LONG HAD IT BEEN?"
"FOR WHAT?"
"HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR
A DISATER TO HAPPEN?"

"OH! NO.  NO, DISATER I EVER IMAGINED
I JUST HAD THE WEAKNESS OF WILL POWER
AND NOW GOT A BIG ELECTRIC SHOT
NOW ALL THE THINGS PENDING
WILL HAPPEN
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER

I WILL APPLY FOR ALL THE GRANTS
ALL OF THEM
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL BE AN EXPERT IN TECHNOLOGY
SO IT WILL BE MUCH EASIER
TO APPLY, ATTACH, CUT AND PASTE
PUT PICURES ON FACEBOOK
LOOKING SLIM AND SMART

OH! I WILL LOOK SLIM AND SMART
WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I USED TO BE VERY SLIM
THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED
NO DISATER BIG ENOUGH
HAPPENED TO  SHAKE ME UP
TO OPEN MY EYES
THAT TIME IS GOING FAR AWAY...
FLOWN AWAY WITH THE WIND...

GET UP AND WASH YOUR HAIR
GET UP AND MOVE
MOVE, BABY MOVE
MOVEMENT IS ALL...
BUT I SAT

NOT NOW...
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER I WILL NEVER SIT
I WILL THROW ALL THE CHAIRS OUT
I WILL STAND
TO READ
STAND TO EAT
I WON'T EVEN SIT ON THE TOILET
I WILL PEE STANDING UP
I AM TELLING YOU
I LEARNT MY LESSON
THE PANDEMIC GAVE ME AN ELECTRIC SHOCK

MANY ELECTRIC SHOCKS
IT'S STILL DOING IT
NOW I HAVE SO MUCH ELECTRICITY IN MY BONES
I WANT TO MOVE
GET UP AND MOVE
ONE LEG FORWARD
ONE LEG BACK
ONE LEG ON THE RIGHT
ONE LEG ON THE LEFT

THAT'S CALLED, "MOVEMENT,"
I AM LEARNING SO MANY NEW THINGS
I USED TO THINK, "MOVEMENT" MEANT
GET UP AND GO SHOOT SOMEONE
WOULD I EVER DO THAT?
NO, NEVER,  NOT ME, I AM A GOOD CITIZEN
LAW ABIDING, HONEST ALL THE WAY UNDERNEATH MY FLESH

AND THROUGH THE BONES
IF ANY ONE EVER GIVE ME A GOOD ADVICE
"NOT TO BE SO HONEST
IN NEW YORK CITY
MECCA TO GET AHEAD
WITH LIES
AND NAME DROPPING
, "ME, THIS." "ME, THAT"
I WILL SAY, NO.  NEVER.  "
I AM HONEST"

WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL BE THE MOST BRAVE
PERSON IN NY
I WILL LIE RIGHT AND LEFT...
"I MET THIS CELEBRITY, "
"I MET THAT CELEBRITY"
SOME BAD PEOPLE, UN-TRUSTING PEOPLE
WILL SAY,
"DO YOIU HAVE PICTURES
WITH THOSE CELEBRITIES TO PROVE
THAT THEY WERE YOUR FRIENDS?"
AND I WILL SAY,

"WHEN THE VIRUS CAME
I THREW THEM OUT...
HYGIENE, IT'S CALLED
TOO MUCH CLUTTER BREED MORE VIRUS
SO I GOT RID OF THE PICTURES
OF ME AND MY DEAR CELEBRITY FRIENDS
THEY ARE ALL DEAD NOW
SO WHO IS GOING TO FIND OUT

BUT IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR RESUME
OH! I REMEBER,
ANOTHER THING WILL HAVE TO BE DONE
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER
MAKE A GREAT RESUME
ADD ALL THE LIES
FULL OF FALSEHOODS
AND SEND IT TO ALL THE GREAT UNIVERSITIES
YOU KNOW HOW TO ATTACH A DOCUMENT
TO YOUR EMAIL RIGHT? YOU LEARNED?

OF COURSE, AFTER THE PANDEMIC WAS OVER,
I LEARNT ALL THAT WHAT I NEVER LEARNT BEFORE
THEN I WILL BE ACCEPTED BY YALE DRAMA SCHOOL
"A MASTER ARTIST RESIDENCY"
TO TEACH ALL THE RICH WHITE AMBITIOUS
YOUNGSTERS...
HOW WONDERFUL IT WOULD BE TO TEACH
THE YOUNG, WHITE, RICH KIDS
OH! I CAN'T WAIT
FOR THE PANDEMIC TO BE OVER...

WHEN PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL ALSO TEACH ACTING,
YES, ACTING NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT
NY DOESN'T HAVE GREAT ACTORS
THEY ARE ALL IN HOLLYWOOD
BUT THEY WILL FLOCK BACK TO NY
TO BE TAUGHT BY ME
BECAUSE BY THEN
MY REPUTATION WOULD HAVE SPREAD FAR AND WIDE

WHAT A DREAM COME TRUE
AMERICAN DREAM TO COME TRUE
I NEEDED A HUGE PANDEMIC
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER
EVERY ONE WILL KNOW MY NAME
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE OF FAR REACHING TECHNOLOGY

I WILL BE ON LINE WHEN EVERONE HAD GONE OFF IT
I WILL BE STREAMING
"WATCH ME AT NOON TOMORROW ON ZOOM"
"WATCH ME ON YOU TUBE DAY AFTER AT 2PM"
"WATCH ME ON FACETIME ON FRIDAY AT 7PM"
"JUST WATCH ME."
"I DO MY MAKE UP
I GET MY AREA IN-FRONT OF THE CAMERA TIDIED UP
I PUT SOME FLOWERS ON THE TABLE
I SIT INFRONT OF MY BOOK SHELF
THEY CAN'T SEE THE DUST FROM SO FAR AWAY
FORGET ABOUT THE DUST
THAT WOULD BE CLEANED
AFTER THE PANDEMIC IS OVER

I AM ON LINE NOW
I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT ME
ME, YES ME, THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON
AT THE TIME OF PANDEMIC
WHEN SO MANY PEOPLE ARE VANISHING
RIGHT AND LEFT
YOU COULD JUST WATCH ME TO RELAX
I AM HERE TO RELIEVE YOUR ANXIETY
I AM A NOVELTY
I WAS NEVER ON LINE BEFORE...

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BE ON LINE
BUT THEN I LEARNED
OH! BOY DID I LEARN
NOW I AM ALWAYS AT MY KITCHEN TABLE
INFRONT OF ZOOM
TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT ME
AND MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS

THE REST OF YOU WILL ALL GO TO THE REAL THEATER
WHILE I WILL STILL BE ON ZOOM
WHY SHOULD I GO OUT?
TAKE THE SUBWAY
TAKE A RISK STILL
WHO KNOWS IF THE PNDEMIC IS COMPLETELY OVER OR NOT
WHY SHOULD I NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TECHNOLGY
WHICH I ONLY LEARNT AFTER THE SADDEST
DISATER OF OUR TIMES
HOW COULD I ABANDON THAT SKILL NOW?

AND I WILL HAVE THE iPHONE AS WELL
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO ME
MANY CONGRATULATIONS
THAT I LEARNT HOW TO OPERATE THE iPHONE
NOW I CAN HAVE WHATSAPP
OH ! GEE,
MY WHOLE FAMILY HAD BEEN BOTHERING ME
TO HAVE WHATS APP
AND NOW I HAVE IT
AFTER SUCH A TRAGIC DISTER
LIKE THIS AWFUL PANDEMIC
WHICH TOOK THE LIVES OF MOST WONDERFUL
PEOPLE...
NEVER SEEN SUCH A TRAGEDY IN MY LIFE TIME
AND I HOPE I WILL NEVER EVER ENCOUNTER
SUCH AN UGLY SITUATION AGAIN
I REALLY HOPE AND PRAY
THATS WHY I AM WAITING FOR THIS PANDEMIC TO BE OVER

I PROMISE MY SELF
THAT WHEN THIS PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WILL FINALLY STRAIGTEN MY LIFE
I PROMISE
I WILL EXCERCISE
I WILL GO TO THE GYM
I WILL LIFT WEIGHTS
I WILL BE FIT
I WILL KNOW HOW TO USE

ALL THE ITEMS
OF MODERN TEHNOLOGY
SO I CAN ALSO BE PART OF MODERNITY
SINCE THE PANDEMIC'S JOLT
HOW COULD MY BODY GO BACK TO

THE NORMAL LIFE?
AND MY LIFE WAS SO ABNORMAL
OH! PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I HAD BEEN SO MEDIEVAL FOR SO LONG
AS IF I LIVED IN THE CAVE
BUT WHEN I SAW ALL THE PEOPLE
ON LINE, IN-FRONT OF THEIR BOOK SHELVES
I WOKE UP...

AND PANDEMIC WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME
FRIGHTENING ME TO DEATH...
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
I ASKED
FROM CHINA
CHINA?
YES, CHINA
BUT CHINA IS SO FAR AWAY
SO VERY FAR AWAY
HOW DID YOU REACH OUR SOIL?
HOW DID YOU CROSS THE OCCEN?
TO COME AND INVADE US SO QUICKLY?

"BY AIRPLANE...AIRPLANE...AIRPLANE, YOU SHIT HEAD
THAT WAS THE REASON THEY INVENTED AIRPLANE
IT'S CALLED TECHNOLOGY...
DON'T YOU KNOW?
NO, I DON'T KNOW...
I HAVE BEEN ALLERGIC TO TECHNOLOGY
LOOK WHAT IT DID?
IT BROUGHT YOU HERE...
IF THERE WERE NO AIRPLANES
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET HERE FROM CHINA SO FAST...

"THAT IS SO TRUE,  I AM A MODERN DISEASE
FOR ME TO SURVIVE AND FOR ME TO SPREAD I NEED
ALL THE TECHNICAL HELP I CAN GET"
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PEOPLE WHO TRAVELLED
WITH YOU?
DID THEY ALL GET INFECTED?

"NO, I TOOK A PRIVATE PLANE.
I AM A CELEBRITY...
I ALSO HAVE  HEART
I DIDN'T WANT THOSE INNOCENT PEOPLE
TO BE INFECTED BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO GET TO AMERICA
I HAD A DREAM TO GET TO UNITED STATES
SUCH A POWERFULLY RICH COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
WITH SUCH SKILLS AND SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE
OF EVERY THING LIVING AND DEAD

I WANTED TO SEE IF THEIR SUPERPOWER COULD
CONTROL ME...
I ALSO HAVE AN EGO
I AM ALSO A CELEBRITY
I AM ALSO ONLINE...
LOOK EVERY ONE IS TALKING ABOUT ME...
NOTHING ELSE MATTER
BUT ME, ME AND ME...ONLY ME, THE TALK OF VIRUS 24/7

"SHUT THE FUCK UP.'
I STARTED TO SHOUT
"SHUT THE FUCK UP.
GET AWAY FROM ME
GET AWAY FROM HERE
GET AWAY
YOU HAVE KILLED MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE
I WISH I COULD BURN THAT PLANE WHICH
BROUGHT YOU HERE...
I HATE THAT PLANE
I HATE THAT PLANE WHICH BROUGHT YOU HERE FROM CHINA

I HATE THAT TECHNOLOGY WHICH MADE THAT PARTICULAR
PLANE OF YOURS WHICH BROUGHT YOU HERE TO OUR SOIL...
WHICH CAUSED DEATH AND DESTRUCTION OF INNOCENT SOULS, GOD BLESS THEM
AND DETH TO YOU, YOU THE DEVIL OF ALL GAES...


THAT NIGHTMARE MADE ME AWARE OF THE DANGER
OF TECHNOLOGY...SO VERY DANGEROUS
I KEPT THINKING...
"IF THERE WERE NO AIRPLANES
WHICH ARE PART OF OUR MODERN TECHNOLOGY
THE VIRUS WON'T BE HERE
THERE WAS NO THER WAY FOR THE VIRUS TO TRAVEL SO

FAR ALL THE WAY FROM CHINA...
IT FLEW IN AN AIRPLANE AND KILLED SO MANY OF OUR GREAT, INNOCENT,
PEOPLE...

"I HATE TECHNOLOGY"
I"I HATE TECHNOLOGY"
I"I HATE TECHNOLOGY."
I WAS SHOUTING AND SHOUTING AND SHOUTING...

WHAT HAS IT DONE TO US ?
AND WHAT IT WILL DO TO US IN THE FUTURE?
I USED TO THINK
TECHNOLOGY WILL ONLY DESTROY ALL BEAUTY
LIKE BOUDELAIRE SAID,
"TECHNOLOGY WILL BE THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL BEAUTY."
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT TECHNOLOGY CAN BE PART
OF THE DEATH OF ALL BEUTIFUL HUMAN BEINGS AS WELL...

IT GAVE ME A JOLT AGAIN
AN ELECTRIC SHOCK AGAIN...
AND MY BRAIN SAID TO ME,

"PLEASE DON'T LEARN THAT TECHNOLOGY
WHICH YOU ARE YEARNING TO LEARN...

SO I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO BE ON LINE
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER
NO, NEVER, I DON'T WANT TO BE ON LINE
AND SAY TO PEOPLE,
"WATCH ME, I AM ON LINE."
"WATCH ME, WATCH ME, WATCH ME..."

I DON'T WANT ANY ONE TO WATCH ME...
I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE
THE WAY I LIVED BEFORE
AFTER THE PANDEMIC IS OVER
I WANT TO BE THE SAME UN-KNOWN
AFTER THE PANDEMIC IS OVER...

I WANT TO BE THE SAME MEDIEVAL PERSON
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER...

TECHNOLOGY HASN'T TAUGHT US YET TO KILL THE VIRUS
SO HOW GOOD IS IT?
HOW GOOD IS IT?
HOW GOOD IS IT?

NO, NO.  I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT, NONE
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER...

IT'S OF NO HELP
IT DIDN'T SAVE OUR PEOPLE
IT'S OF NO USE...
IT DIDN'T SAVE OUR PEOPLE...

NO, I DON'T WANT ANY PART OF IT
WHEN THE PANDEMIC IS OVER....

POSSIBLE TO DO EVERYDAY DURING COVID-19?

POSSIBLE TO DO EVERY DAY DURING COVID-19

3 HOURS OF WRITING, (First thing in the morning)

2 HOURS OF READING

1 HOUR WALK

2 HOURS COOKING ECT

2 HOURS, WATCHING A MOVIE

2 HOURS WRITING AGAIN?



DIDN'T I SAY THAT BEFORE?

YES, I DID

AND?

NEVER FOLLOWED UP

WHY NOT?

HAVE NO IDEA

HOW COME?

DISCIPLINE, LACK OF IT

LACK OF IT COMPLETELY

WHAT DO YOU DO INSTEAD?

FACE BOOK...READING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE,  ONLINE SHIT,  READING

THE  NYT,  READING LONDON GUARDIAN, THE SAME THING AGAIN AND AGAIN,

TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP...

CORONA UPDATES

WASTE, WASTE, WASTE

WHEN WILL YOU EVER LEARN TO HAVE SOME KIND OF RIGID SCHEDULE?

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.

I GIVE UP.

JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT DOING WHAT YOU WISH TO DO AND KEEP

DOING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...

I AM DOING THAT ALREADY, THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE...

PLEASE CHANGE...

CAN'T

FOR THE SAKE OF CORONA, CHANGE...

TIME NOW IS VERY PRECIOUS...

LEARN TO HAVE A NEW NORMAL

NEW NORMAL IS  TO  DO WHAT YOU WERE UNABLE TO DO BEFORE

LEARN FROM THE SAD DAYS, THE ISOLATED HOURS, THE TIME PASSED

LEARN OR STOP TRYING...

JUST LIVE EVERY DAY AS IT COMES

NO SCHEDULE, JUST LIVE MOMENT TO MOMENT

ENJOY WHATEVER YOU DO

JUST ENJOY WASTING TIME AS WELL BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU

HAVE BEEN DOING ALL YOUR LIFE, CORONA OR NO CORONA...

WHY CHANGE NOW?

HABITS ARE HARD TO MEND

I HOPE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME ..

LAST TIME?

YES,  THE LAST TIME I  WILL TELL YOU

TELL ME WHAT?

WHATEVER...YOU KNOW YOU ARE REALLY EXHAUSTING...

OH! I AM?

PLEASE...

DO WHAT EVER...

WASTE YOUR LIFE,  GO AHEAD,  WASTE YOUR LIFE

THAT IS ALREADY WASTED,  TELL ME SOMETHING NEW

AND WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU ANY WAY?

ARN'T YOU THE MONKEY ON MY BACK?

YOU ARE YOUR OWN MONKEY ON YOUR BACK, YOU NEED NO OTHER MONKEY

YES, I AM THE MONKEY AND YOU ARE THE MONKEY AND BOTH OF US MONKEYS

 ARE ON...

MY BACK AND I CAN'T ACHIEVE ANYTHING... AND I THOUGHT THAT CORONA WILL

TEACH ME A LESSON HOW TO BEHAVE BUT HELL NO...THE MONKEY NUMBER 2

IS ALWAYS BOTHERING ME WITH HIS ATTITUDE OF BEING Mr PERFECT AND WON'T

LET ME BREATH...

OK, I AM OFF YOUR BACK,  NOW FOLLOW YOUR NEW PROGRAM OF THE DAY...

SEE, YOU ARE NOT OFF MY BACK, BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL TELLING ME WHAT TO

DO...

YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME WHAT TO DO EVERY DAY?  HOW TO FOLLOW A

SCHEDULE EVERY DAY AND ALL I DO IS HELP YOU BUT YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE

UN-GRATEFUL BITCH...

I KNEW IT.  I KNEW IT WILL COME TO THIS AND BECAUSE OF THIS SUPERIORITY

OF YOURS WHICH IS FAKE I AM SURE,  I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO FUNCTION...

I DON'T FEEL FREE TO MAKE CHOICES,  I ALWAYS HAVE TO CONSULT YOU

ASK YOUR ADVICE,  TRY TO BE POLITE...


CAN'T BE POLITE. IN YOUR PROFESSION IT DOESN'T WORK

WHEN YOU ARE THIS WAY YOU COME ACROSS AS AN IDIOT AND WHO GIVES A SHIT

ABOUT IDIOTS?  DOSTOYEVASKY'S NOVEL, "IDIOT" IS ALL ABOUT THAT.

INSTEAD OF ALWAYS SEEKING HELP JUST GET UP AND DO IT.  DO WHATEVER NEED

TO BE DONE...AND IF YOU CAN'T,   DON'T ASK FOR HELP,  YOU SEEM SO NEEDY


SO WHAT IF I AM?  IF I AM NEEDY WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG DEAL?

NEED IS A BAD WORD HERE

HERE? WHERE?

IN THE MODERN WORLD

MODERN WORLD?

YES, THE MODERN WORLD, IT'S 2020

OH! IT'S 2020..I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.  I DIDN'T GRASP THE FACT THAT 2020 IS SO

MODERN,  SO PROGRESSIVE,  SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED BUT

 COULDN'T HANDLE COVID-19...COULD THEY?

IT'S NOT THE FAULT OF 2020, THE COVID-19 CAME IN 2019, AND WHY ARE YOU

BLAMING 2020 FOR THAT?

I AM NOT BLAMING 2020 OR YOU,  I AM JUST SAYING THAT THE MODERN,

PROGRESSIVE.............

WORLD HAD BEEN UNABLE TO HANDLE A MODERN DISEASE.  SO HOW MODERN ARE

 THEY?  A PLAGUE HIT THEM AND THEY BECAME COMPLETELY HELPLESS.

THEY SHOULD HAVE LEARNT FROM THE PREVIOUS PLAGUES AND SHOULD HAVE

BEEN READY...

ARE YOU READY?

READY FOR WHAT?

TO DEAL WITH YOUR NEW DAY EVERY DAY?

I AM NOT A CENTURY,  I AM NOT A DECADE,  I AM NOT A GOVERNMENT, I AM JUST A

PERSON...

AT THE MERCY OF OTHERS,  RIGHT?

YES,  RIGHT.  I AM AT THE MERCY OF ALL THE PROGRESSIVE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

SO THEY CAN GET ME OUT OF THIS APT...I AM UNABLE TO FUNCTION EVERY DAY...

AS IF YOU WERE ABLE TO FUNCTION BEORE...

YES,  I WENT FOR A WALK,  WENT FOR A COFFEE,  WENT TO THE THEATER,

WENT FOR HAPPY HOUR, WENT SHOPPING...I WAS FUNCTIONING

BUT YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR WORK EVERY DAY,  DID YOU?

WHAT WORK?

THE SHEDULE

WHAT SCHEDULE?

YOUR SCHEDULE...

WHAT SCHEDULE?  I NEVER HAD A SCHEDULE.  MY SCHEDULE WAS TO GO FOR A

COFFEE IN A NICE PLACE AND ENJOY SOME KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE

THERE, THE WAITERS, THE BUS BOYS, THE HOSTESS, THE BOSS, I TALKED TO EVERY

ONE...THAT WAS MY SCHEDULE AND I DID IT EVERY DAY AND THEN I WENT FOR A

WALK...EVERY DAY...AND BOUGHT A BOOK FOR A DOLLAR AT A PARTICULAR STORE

ON BLEECKER STREET AND I LOVED IT...AND THUS I HAVE MANY BOOKS OF

WISDOM ....

AND POETRY NND PHILOSOPHY AND I LEARNED FROM THOSE ONE DOLLAR BOOKS

TO APPRECIATE ART AND LITERATURE...AND THE LESSON WAS THAT ART AND IT'S

APPRECIATION WAS THE REAL GOAL IN LIFE...ALL THE GREAT WRITERS CAME TO

THHE SAME CONCLUSION,  "THAT IT'S THE ART WHICH WILL SAVE HUMAN BEINGS

NOT ANY SCHEDULE OF ROBOTIC NATURE"  TO DO THIS ,THIS HOUR AND DO THAT

AN  OTHER HOUR AND DO IT EVERY DAY,  EVERY DAY." A BAD HABIT IF YOU ASK

ME AND ALL THE GREAT WRITERS I HAVE READ EVEN BEFORE I FOUND THAT ONE

DOLLAR BOOK STORE,  ALWAYS CAME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION...

THE, " EMPAHSISISED ON BREAKING THE HABIT WHICH OPPOSES THE ART AND

FIGHT ...

ONLY FOR THE APPRECIATION OF ART AND NATURE..."

YOU SEE, PROUST, AFTER WRITING HIS LONGEST POSSIBLE NOVEL, "IN SEARCH OF

OLD TIMES"  CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION AFTER SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS IN

SOCIAL STATUS,  IN LOVE ,  CAME RIGHT TO THE POINT THAT IT WAS ART...WHICH

WILL GIVE YOU SATISFACTION.  ALBERT CAMUS WAS ANOTHER ONE, HIS EMPHASIS

ON NATURE WAS IMMENSE...THE SEA AND THE SWIMMING, TAKING A CHALLANGE

AGAINST THE POWERFUL WAVES AND COMEING OUT OF THE OCCEAN ALIVE, WHAT

CAN BE A BIGGER ACHIEVEMENT THAN THAT?  AND DOSTOYVESKY OF RUSSIA HAD

THE SAME CONCLUSION,  SMELLING THE BLOSSOMS AND  SEEING THE CLOUDS AND

THE ...

TREES, THE  "SEA." HAS AN UTMOST IMPORTANCE IN ALL LITERATURE,  NOT THE

SCHEDULE..."2 HOURS OF THIS AND 2 HOURS OF THAT ." AND IF IT CAN'T BE DONE,

THE PUNISHMENT OF THE SOUL THE REST OF THE DAY FOR NOT DOING THE STUPID

 COOKING AND DISHES AND DOING SOME WRITING WHICH GOES NO WHERE AND

COOPED IN AN ENCLOSED PLACE DEVOID OF ALL KIND OF ART AND NATURE IS THE

DEATH OF THE SOUL...CORONA OR NO CORONA, ONE IS DYING ANY WAY...ART AND

NATURE IS BEING DESTROYED...WHAT DOES THE ART OF TODAY STAND FOR?

SHALLOW,  SUPERFICIAL  MUNDANE,  STUPID JOKES TO ENTERTAIN THE STUPID,

UN-EDUCATED,  UN-INFORMED MASSESS FOR COMMERCIAL GAINS AND TREES

BEING CUT AND GRASSY PLOTS BEING DESTROYED FOR THE SAKE OF BUILDING

NEW CONDOMINIONS WHICH CAN BE RENTED FOR 10 THOUSAND DOLLARS A

MONTH?  THAT IS THE PROGRESS OF THE MODERN WORLD.  ISN'T IT?  ISN'T IT?

WHERE IS THE GARDEN?  WHERE ARE THE ROSES?  WHERE IS THE SEA?

ALL THESE THINGS WERE PAINTED BY THE GREAT ARTISTS WHICH WE ONLY GO TO

THE MUSEUMS TO LOOK AT?  I DON'T SEE ANY CLEAN BLUE WATER OUTSIDE MY

WINDOW...YOU LIVE IN SOHO,  DO YOU SEE ANY TREE THERE?  HOW CAN YOU CALL

YOUR SELF AN ESTHETIC PERSON IF YOU DON'T SEE A SINGLE TREE IN YOUR

NEIGHBORHOOD?  WHERE ARE THE LILLY PONDS WHICH MONET PAINTED SO

BRILLIANTLY?  WHAT IS THERE TO PAINT FOR THE MODERN PAINTER?  GUNS,

BOMBS,

SHOOTINGS, HOMELESS?

THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD SUBJECT AFTER THE WATER LILLIES, THE HOMELESS...

AT LEAST THEY ARE LIVING EVEN HARDLY LIVING BUT STILL BRATHING EVEN AT

THE TIME OF COVID-19.  SINCE THE GOVERMNETS HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING

TO PROTECT THEM, GIVE THEM A DECENT LIFE,  NOW IT'S UP TO THE COVID-19 TO

GIVE THEM ETERNAL PEACE AND I GUESS THAT'S WHAT ALL THE GOVERMNETS ALL

OVER THE PLANET WERE WAITING FOR..."PLEASE COVID-19 TAKE CARE OF THE

HOMELESS,  GET THEM OUT OF OUR SIGHT, THEY SMELL AND OVERPOWER THE

SUBTLE SMELL OF OUR EXPENSIVE PERFUMES AND OUR DESIGNER GOWNS GETS

SMELLY WITH THEIR OBNOXIOUS ODOUR WHEN WE COME OUT OF THE THEATER

AND HAVE TO WALK A FEW STEPS TO GET INTO OUR MERCEDES...PLEASE CORONA

VIRUS GET THEM OUT OF OUR SIGHT, WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE..."

I THINK THAT'S WHY THE COVID-19  IS HERE TO GET RID OF THE HOME LESS,

THE SICK, THE ELDERLY...THEY CAN SAVE A BILLION DOLLARS FROM MEDICARE,

HOMELESS SHELTERS AND MEDICATIONS.  AFTER ALL THE DOLLAR IS GOD AND TO

SAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD ONE CAN LET ALL ELDERLY GO,  THE HOMELESS GO

AND THE SICK PEOPLE GO TO HELL OR HEAVEN ACCORDING TO WAHTEVER GOOD

THEY DID OR DIDN'T DO IN LIFE.  THEN THE STREETS OF THE WORLD WILL BE FULL

OF YOUNG, THIN, EXERCISED,  FIT PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST CRACK SILLY JOKES,

HAVE LOTS OF SEX WITH NEW PEOPLE, TEN OR TWENTY EVERY EVENING FROM

AND

WEAR YOUNG DESIGNERS OUTFITS AND GO TO THE HAMPTONS IF A

SECOND WAVE OF CORONA VIRUS EVER COMES BUT AT LEAST THEY WON'T EVER

HAVE TO COME ACROSS ANY OLDER FELLOW OR A LADY STRUGGLING TO WALK

SLOWLY IN THE STREETS AND IS IN YOUNG PEOPLE'S WAY WHO ARE FAST AND

FURIOUS AND NEED THE WHOLE FOOT PATH FOR THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY ARE

ALSO ON THEIR PHONES AND CAN'T BE WORRIED ABOUT WOBBLY ELDERLY FOLKS .

AND THEIR ARTISTIC..(.FAKE ARTISTIC SENSIBILITY )CAN'T HANDLE THE ROTTEN

SMELL OF HOMELESS WHO HAVEN'T TAKEN A BATH IN A DECADE...



THAT'S THE WORLD YOU WILL HAVE MY DEAR AFTER THE CORONA IS GONE...

GEORGE ORWELL WROTE ABOUT IT HOW THE ORDERS OF THE GOVERNMENTS

WILL CONTROL THE DESTINY AND THE DEATH OF SOME HUMAN BEINGS.

AND THEN THE CITIES WILL HAVE...

STERLIZED STREETS,  STERLIZED YOUNG PEOPLE WITH THEIR BRAINS FROZEN

FOR ANY WARM AND COMPASSIONATE THOUGHT AND ECONOMY BOOMING...



THAT WAS ALWAYS THE WISH OF MODERNITY,  WASN'T IT?

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT KIND OF A   MODERN PERSON...I AM MEDIEVAL AND I

LOVE IT AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I HATE ALL SCHEDULES...I AM OT A

NOVELIST WHO HAS TO FINISH A NOVEL WITH THAT SCHEDULE. GOOD LUCK TO THE

 NVELISTS...I DO HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR THEM FOR THEIR STRONG WILL POWER.

I DON'T HAVE ANY WILL POWER, NOT AN OUNCE OF IT, I AM NOT MODERN...

I AM AN IMPULSIVE HUMAN BEING.  IF MY IMPULSE TELLS  ME TO GO FOR A WALK...I

WILL GO FOR A WALK.  IF MY IMPULSE DICTATES FOR ME TO READ A GREAT BOOK, I

WILL READ THAT BOOK...IF I FEEL LIKE COOKING, I WILL COOK...I WILL WALK

IF I FEEL LIKE WALKING...

BECAUS THAT'S WHAT MY IMPULSE TELLS ME TO DO...I WILL SIT IN A GARDEN FULL

OF JASMINE AND ROSES AND THINK OF ALL THE GREAT WRITERS AND ARTISTS

WHO

TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE ART AND BEAUTY AND THAT IS ENOUGH FOR ME...

THAT WOULD BE MY SCHEDULE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND THAT IS IN CASE

COVID-19 DOESN'T TAKE ME AWAY BEFORE THAT BECAUSE YOU SEE LIFE IS SO

FRAGILE, SO UN-PREDICTABLE, IT CAN VANISH IN A FRACTION OF A SECOND...


LIKE ALBERT CAMUS SAYS, "WE ARE NEVER IMMUNE.  WE CAN NEVER GET RID OF

THE VIRUS.  VIRUS BECOMES DORMANT FOR SOME TIME, IT CAN BE YEARS OR

DECADES AND THEN IT WAKE UP AGAIN.  VIRUS IS IN OUR BEDROOMS,  IN OUR

TRUNKS,  IN OUR CLOTHES,  IN OUR BOOKS, IN OUR PAPERS...PLAGUES IS INSIDE OF

US BECAUSE OUR HEARTS ARE HARDENED.  VIRUS HAS TO BE KILLED WITH

DECENCY."

(CAMUS FROM HIS BOOK, THE PLAGUE.)


YOU SEE WE WERE NOT BORN TO DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE EVERY MINUTE

OF OUR LIVES AND BY THE WAY WHAT IS CONSTRUCTIVE ANY WAY?

ART AND IT'S APPRECIATION IS VERY CONSTRUCTIVE, AT LEAST FOR ME...

AND I AM MISSING GOING TO A MUSEUM, MISSING GOING TO A PARK, SIT DOWN

UNDER A LEAFY TREE, SMELLING THE FRAGRANT BLOOMING BLOSSOMS AND

READ A GEAT BOOK AND THEN GO FOR A WALK...WALK AND WALK AND WALK

AND THINK AND THINK...

WALKING FROM CENTRAL PARK ALL THE WAY TO THE EAST VILLAGE IS HIGHLY

CONSTRUCTIVE AND DELIGHTFULL...

EVERY ONE CAN HAVE THEIR DAILY SCHEDULES AND GOD BLESS THEM.

I AM JUST AN OLD FASHIONED GOAT WHOM THE GOVERNMENT CAN'T STAND...

BUT I AM HERE, I WILL GO WHEN THE TIME COMES....TILL THEN I WANT TO BREATH

THE COOL, FRESH, BREEZE ON A PARK BENCH WITH BOUDELAIRE, ONE OF MY VERY

FAVORITE POET WHO LOVED WALKING AS WELL.  HE WALKED THE STREETS OF

PARIS ALL DAY AND OBSERVED THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR IN PARIS.  HE HAD

DECENCY IN HIS HEART.

STRESS OF THE MIND AND THE BODY

THE STRESS OF THE MIND AND THE BODY

B0DY IS STRESSED OUT
SO IS THE MIND
THERE IS FATIGUE IN THE BONES
MUSCLES, NERVES, HEART AND LUNGS.
THE MAIN CAUSE OF ALL THIS STRESS IS THE COVID-19

THE BODY IS TIRED
IT'S COLD
IT'S SAD
IT'S ISOLATED
IT'S LONELY

IT'S AWAY FROM THE OTHER HOME
THE ORIGINAL HOME
WHICH IS ALSO OCCUPIED BY COVID-19
THE NEED OF SUN AND SPICE
WHICH THE BODY WAS USED TO
IS COMPLETELY DEPLETED

THE IMMUNE SYSTEM IS YEARNING FOR NORMALITY
THE ELEMENT OF HAPPINESS
THE ELEMENT OF HEALTH
THE ELEMENT OF TRAGEDY
OF SO MANY DEATHS EVERY DAY

SUN, SPICE, PEOPLE, LOVED ONES
AND LAUGHTER IS NEEDED
CALMNESS, A GESTURE
A REMARK,
A LOOK

CAN MAKE YOUR DAY
SITTING IN A CAFE
DRINKING TEA
SIPPING IT SLOWLY
READING YOUR BOOK
OR WRITING SOMETHIN
SUDDENLY
SO SUDDENLY IS GONE

SUCH SIMPLE PLEASURES OF LIFE
HAVE VANISHED
AND THE HUMAN BEINGS VAINISHINHG WITH THEM
MANY OTHER THINGS HAVE VANISHED AS WELL
BUT THE MOST PRECIOUS IS THE PEOPLE
PEOPLE WHO WERE ALIVE YESTERDAY
GONE TODAY
GONE FOR EVER

NO MORE CAFE
NO MORE READING A BOOK THERE
NO MEETINGS WITH YOUR FRIENDS
NO LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER TOGETHER
HAVING AN APPETIZER TOGETHER
COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR CAREER

COMPLAINING, ALWAYS COMPALINING
ARTIST'S JOB IS TO ALWAYS COMPLAIN
NO ONE IS COMPLAINING ANY MORE
EVERY ONE IS STUNNED,
SHOCKED
SAD
AFRAID
ALONE
WONDERING

WOMDERING
HOW LONG WILL THIS LAST?
HOW MANY MORE UNFORTUNATE HUMAN BEINGS WILL SADLY PERISH?
HOW CAN WE SAVE THEM?
WHEN WILL THE TREATMENT COME
SLEEPLESSNESS AT NIGHT

QUESTINOS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS?
NO ANSWERS, NO ANSWERS, NO ANSWERS
FROM WHERE THE THUNDER OF DISEASE BROUGHT THIS VIRUS  FROM?
IS THIS ANOTHER PLAGUE?
WE THOUGHT PLAGUES DON'T COME ANY MORE
PROGRESS OF SCIENCE
PROGRESS OF MODERNITY
PROGRESS OF RESEARCH

CORONA VIRUS BEAT THEM ALL
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE THUNDER OF THIS MONUMENTAL TRAGEDY
WE CAN'T TOUCH
WE CAN'T HUG,
WE CAN'T HOLD HANDS
WE CAN'T SHARE A SMILE

AND THE SICK PEOPLE NOT COMING HOME
NOT WITH THEIR LOVED ONES
DYING ALL ALONE BY THEMSELVES
THE BEST HUMAN OF ALL HUMANS
THE NURSES, THE DOCTORS, THE LAB PEOPLE,
HOLDING THEIR HANDS
SILENTLY SHEDDING TEARS UNDER THEIR MASKS

MASKS, SO MANY MASKS, SO MANY MASKS
SO MUCH FEAR
FEAR OF A TOUCH
FEAR OF A TALK
FEAR OF OTHER PEOPLE
FEAR TO WALK
FEAR TO TALK...

THE HOSPITAL WORKERS
THE ONLY ONES WITHOUT FEAR
EVEN IF  WITH THEIRE FEAR
THEY MUST GO AND HELP THE VULNERABLE
EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY

I SALUTE THEM
I SALUTE THEM
I SALUTE THEM

THEIR COURAGE
THEIR HUMANITY
THEIR LOVE
TEIRE SENSE OF CARING
THEIR COMPASSION,
THEIR EMPATHY

THEY ARE SAVING LIVES
THEY ARE SAVING LIVES
THEY ARE SAVING LIVES

I SALUTE THEM
I SALUTE THEM
I SALUTE THEM

JUST FOR THEIR SAKE
THE VIRUS WILL GO AWAY
I KNOW IT WILL
IT WILL BREAK, TT WILL GO AWAY
SO THEY CAN REST
SO THEY CAN REST
SO THEY CAN REST

HAVE NEVER SEEN KINDER PEOPLE THEN THEM
NEVER SEEN SELFLESS PEOPLE LIKE THEM
NEVER SEEN LOVING PEOPLE LIKE THEM

VIRUS CAN NOT....
NO, NOT THEM
NO, NOT THEM, CAN NOT BREAK THEM
THEY ARE STORNG
THEY ARE STRONGER THAN THE VIRUS
THEY WILL BEAT THE VIRUS
YES, THEY WILL
THEY WILL DEFEAT THE VIRUS
YES, THEY WILL

I SALUTE THEM
I SALUTE THEM
 SALUTE THEM

ZOOM

ZOOM

I DIDN'T LIKE IT
I T WAS SO WEARED
NOT FLATTERING AT ALL
I WONDER HOW COME PEOPLE ARE STAYING ON ZOOM FOR HOURS

YES, SOME HAVE TO WORK FROM HOME
NECESSARY
THEY HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT ONE'S WITH A CHOICE
SHOULD STAY AWAY
THAT'S WHAT I THINK...

I AMEAN...
WE ARE GOING THROUGH ROUGH TIMES
RIGHT?
AND STILL WE HAVE TO WATCH CELEBRITIES?
ARN'T WE SICK OF THEM?
IN THE PAST....
IN THOSE ALMOST FORGOTTEN TIMES
WE HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT WATCH CELEBRITIES
AND THEIR DESIGNERS GOWNS
SO MANY AWARD CEREMONIES
ALL OF THEM LOOKING LIKE ROYALTIES
GETTING AWARDS
WITH THEIR SLIM, SLIM, SLIM FIGURES
MAKING US HATE OURSELVES

AND NOW WHEN WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES
MORE THAN EVER
LOOK AFTER OUR HEALTH
TO BE SAFE

NOW WE HAVE TO GO ON ZOOM
AND LOOK AT THE INSIDE OF THEIR
MANSIONS...
YES, THEY HAVE MANSIONS
I GUESS WE KNEW THAT
BUT WE HAD NO IDEA
WHAT KIND OF FURNITURE WAS THERE
NOW WE KNOW...

AND NOW WE HAVE TO HATE OURSELVES AGAIN
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE THOSE  FANCY ANTIQUE SOFAS
AND THE TALL WALL TO CEILING WINDOWS
OPENING INTO HUGE GARDENS WITH LUSH TREES
AND WE ARE INSIDE THE DUSTY APARTMENTS
WITH NO GREEN TREE IN THE SURROUNDINGS

NOW WE HAVE TO HATE OURSELVES  AGAIN?
WATCHING THE CELEBRITIES.
WITH THEIR HAIR AND MAKE UP DONE
THANKING THE STRUGGLING, WORKING, DYING PEOPLE, 'THE FRONT WORKERS."

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GET UP FROM YOUR
SOFA AND GO GIVE SOME FOOD AND COMFORT TO THE ONES SUFFERING?
MERE, "THANK YOU". IS NOT ENOUGH...
CELEBS SHOULD JUST STAY IN THEIR MANSIONS
AND REST FROM MAKING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
GIVE DOLLARS A REST
LET SOME POOR SLOB HAVE A FEW MORE DOLLARS
SO THEY CAN TAKE A TAXI SOME DAY
INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR NUMBER 7 ALL EVENING
AND THEN GOING HOME TO COOK...

I WANT NO ZOOM
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT  ANYONE ONE'S GARDEN..
I AM OK TO JUST LOOK OUTSIDE AND SEE SOME HOMELESS
STILL IN THEIR ENCAMPMENTS
I HEARD THE AUTHORITIES LIFTED THE BAN
ABOUT ENCAMPMENTS...
I MEAN THEY ALLOWED THE HOMELESS TO SLEEP ON THE SIDE WALKS
BECAUSE THEIR SHELTERS ARE FULL...
WHAT A NICE GESTURE AT THE TIME OF RAGINGLY ANGRY COVID-19?

I HAVE AN IDEA FOR THE GOVERMENT
TAKE SOME OF THE MANSIONS AWAY FROM THE CELEBRITIES
AND PUT HOMELESS THERE
OK, JUST TEMPORARY TILL CORONA-VIRUS GOES AWAY
AFTER THAT THEY CAN SANITIZE THEIR MANSIONS
NOT DIFFICULT TO DO WITH THE AMOUNT OF DOLLARS THEY HAVE...
THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY MOVING, "THANK YOU". TO THE FRONT WORKERS AS WELL....

IT'S FUNNY THAT THEY NEVER THOUGHT, THE MOVIE STARS , I MEAN
THEY NEVER THOUGHT THAT THEY WON'T BE TALKED ABOUT IN 2020
INSTEAD OF THE NEWS OF WHAT SO AND SO MOVIE SATR WORE?
NOW IT'S THE CORONA-VIRUS 24/7
NOW THE NEW CELEBRITY, THE NEW STAR IS COVID-19
AND IT IS AS SELF INVOLVED AS THE STARS...

THEY ALWAYS ADVERTISE, WHAT THEY EAT, HOW THEY LIVE, WHAT
CLOTHES DO THEY WEAR, WHICH GYM  DO THEY GO TO,  HOW MANY TIMES
THEY HAVE BEEN DIVORCED
WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO BUY THE NEW MANSION?

THEY SHOW US THE PICTURES OF THEIR PRIVATE PLANES
WHAT KIND OF SUN GLASSES THEY WEAR WHEN THEY WANT TO HIDE
BUT THEY ARE OUTSIDE, WANT TO BE SEEN PRETENDING
BEHIND THEIR MILLION DOLLAR SHADES
THEY NEVER WANTED TO BE FORGOTTEN

THAT'S FOR SURE
THEY NEVER WANT TO BE FORGOTTEN
AND WITH THE NEW ERA OF CORONA-VIRUS
THEY ARE ANXIOUS, SO ANXIOUS
THAT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN TALKED ABOUT...

SO GUESS WHAT!
THEY DECIDED TO CREATE ZOOM
AND FACE TIME AND WHATEVER ELSE
SO NOT ONLY THEY WOULD BE SEEN
BUT THEIR BEDROOMS,,
THEIR BED SHEETS,
THEIR DOGS, THEIR
JEWELERY,
THEIR BOOKS,
OH! YES...
THEY ARE GREAT READERS...
THEY KNOW THEIR BERNARD SHAW AND THEIR SHAKESPEARE

THEY QUIT SCHOOL
BUT THEY KNOW
CHRIS MARLOW
RIGHT!
YOU KNOW I HAVE WATCHED SOME OF THEM PERSONALY ON TV
THEY PROUDLY ANNOUNCE..
"OH! I QUIT SCHOOL WHEN I WS IN 4TH GRADE,."
"HOW FABULOUS IS THAT?"  THE TONIGHT SHOW HOST PRAISES THEM..

SO MANY OF THEM QUIT SCHOOL?
MAN! WHAT SUFFERING WE WENT THROUGH...
TO STUDY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT FOR YEARS...
GOT ALL OUR DEGREES AND HOW PROUD WE WERE
AND LOOK NOW...

WE WERE NEVER INTERVIEWED BY JOHNY CARSON
WE NEVER HAD THOSE SUNGLASSES
WE NEVER WERE AT AN AWARD CEREMONY
WE WERE NEVER SLIM
WE ATE ALL THE REFINED FOOD
WE NEVER WENT TO A FANCY GYM
WE NEVER WENT TO A FANCY NUDE BEACH
WE NEVER HAD A MANSION
ALL WE HAD WAS EDUCATION AND SELF LOATHING....

HATE,  AND MORE HATE....
SO MUCH HATE...
JESUS
CORONA DOESN'T LIKE SO MUCH HATE
CORONA WANTS US TO LIKE OURSELVES
KEEP HEALTHY
EAT HEALTHY FOOD
TO BOOST OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM

OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM WAS ALWAYS WEAK...
REFIND FOOD, DARLING, REFIND FOOD
ONE THEY GIVE TO THE HOMELESS
OUT SIDE SOME CHURCHES...

OH! PLEASE COVID-19 DOESN'T LIKE THAT...
NO, NO, NO. 
CORONA-VIRUS GOES FOR UNHEALTHY BLOOD
WE NEED TO IMPROVE OUR HEALTH AND DEMEANOR
POSITIVE THINKING, WHICH WE NEVER HAD ABOUT OUR BODIES AND OUR LIVES
AFTER WE WATCHED THE OSCARS...,
THANK GOD THERE IS NO OSCAR OR ANY OTHER CEREMONY RIGHT NOW.

THEY HAVE SO MANY GOWNS, THEY NEED SO MANY AWARD CEREMONOIES...
THANK GOD, THOSE THINGS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED
FOR A WHILE AT LEAST
NOW WE CAN AVOID SELF HATRED FOR THE TIME BEING...

IT'S AMAZING...
WE ARE SO EDUCATED AND WE HAVE SO MUCH SELF LOATHING
AND ALL OF THEM STARS ARE SO ILLITERATE AND STILL SO RICH
SO, SO, SO RICH....AND PROUD...
THEY DEFINITLY HAVE GOOD IMMUNE SYSTEM

I WISH I NEVRE WENT TO COLLEGE
THEN I WOULD  HAVE BEEN ON ALL THE CELB SHOWS
AND I WOULD HAVE HAD A BIG HOUSE WITH A BIG GARDEN IN EAST HAMPTON
AND THEN I WILL BE ON ZOOM...

PERHAPS THEN I WON'T LOOK SO BAD, SO TIRED, SO SLOPPY
BUT RIGHT NOW...NO ZOOM FOR ME...
WHAT AM I GOING TO SHOW PEOPLE?
"HEY GUYS, I AM HIGHLY EDUCATED BUT NEVER HAD MONEY
FOR THE CLEANING LADY
SO COME AND SEE MY MESS...

BUT THAT MIGHT NOT BE THE ONLY REASON...THE MESS...
I JUST HATE ALL THESE THINGS
SKYPE?
WHO WANTS TO BE ON SKYPE EARLY IN THE MORNING OR LATE AT NIGHT?

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?"
THE FAR AWAY RELATIVES ASK
"CAN'T YOU TELL?"
I SAY..
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"CAN'T YOU SEE,  HOW UGLY THIS SKYPE MAKES ME LOOK?"
"OH! WELL, YOU ARE GETTING OLD."
"LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO BE ON SKYPE OR ZOOM OR ANYTHING FANCY LIKE THAT?"
"WHY NOT?"
"STOP ASKING ME...AND BY THE WAY YOU DON'T LOOK SO GREAT EITHER."
"STILL LOOK BETTER THAN YOU.  I AM YOUNGER THAN YOU."
"EVERY ONE IS YOUNGER THAN ME, BUT PLEASE DONT SKYPE ME AGAIN."
"WHAT ABOUT WHAT'S APP?  YOU WON'T BE SEEN IF THAT'S YOUR WORRY
WE WILL JUST TALK."

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE OR TALK TO YOU AT ALL,
YOU HEAR ME?
I HATE ALL THESE DEVICES...POWER CONTROL INSTUMENTS.
JUST TO FEEL IMPORTANT, I
 DON'T...
WANT TO FEEL IMPORTANT.
I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO...

I NEED TO BOOST MY IMMUNE SYSTEM
AND YOU AND THE MODERN TECHNOLGY
IS NOT AT ALL GOOD FOR MY WEAK IMMUNE SYSTEM...SO GOOD BY.."

I HAVE TO GET RID OF ZOOM
I JUST SIGNED UP YESTERDAY...
I WONDER WHY?
PEOPLE, IT'S PEOPLE WHO FUCKING FORCE ME...

"DO THIS, DO THAT, DO THAT, DO THIS..."
NEVER LISTEN TO ANY ONE, YOU HEAR...
LET THEM BE ON ZOOM
LET THEM LOOK UGLY
LET THEM HATE THEMSELVES AFTERWARD.........

ZOOM IS NOT FOR ME
THAT'S FOR SURE
I TRIED IT
I GUESS I HAVE A POSITIVE
PROGRESSIVE ATTITUDE
BUT WHO WANTS TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
AND STILL LOOK SO GAUNT, SO UGLY?

SKETCHES BY BINA SHARIF

SKETCHES BY BINA SHARIF

Breezy series of sketches

Well versed, well built sketches

Radio sketches



Damaged children
Damaged from day one.
Too much tragedy at an early age
Never recovered
Thats how it is with some families.....

Never knew how to deal with people
Gave them too much attention, too much importance
and ourselves?
Ourselves we gave very little, almost nothing.......

We were never the individuals who were uncompromising 

We had no faith in ourselves, only in the others

Jumgian hunt for a missing part of herself.

After the daughter left he had no one to talk to

She went to the farthest corner of the world.

Always the same thing

Always the same thing

If the same thing is good for you why not?

But always the same thing--always the same thing........

Same depression
Dark and black
And lonely
The dark depression is very lonely
and getting lonelier
Same causes

but its heavy
the depression
Always seeking company
some one to talk to
some one to laugh with
some one to share the joy and the pain
but no one is around  for this lonely depression
this depression in exile
this depression of a foreign nature
A foreign country, it seeks.  The spice and the humor of a particular language,
where it will just understand a gesture
A look
A smile
A mood
A movement
A facial expression
A twinkle in the eye.

Instead of explaining the source of your anguish to the ones who have no anguish at all and are not listening to you.

They are on their smart phone texting or chatting or just looking at the smart phone, a wonder of the world.

They are not listening to you
and not understanding your explanation of your loss and sorrow and loneliness...
You should learn to text
maybe the anguish will go away
try texting...

But who should I text to?
The voiceless people...
I want to hear a voice
A voice I recognize
A voice which is familiar
A word spoken to me in my own language
where no explanation will be needed.

We will look at each other and understand
We will look at each other and smile
We will look at each other and hold hands and run in the forest dying with laughter,
picking wild flowers, 

laughing wildly, laughing wildly, laughing wildly............

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS
There was a car
A white small car
Looked like an old model of an old car
Which brand?
Couldn't tell

There were quiet a few people there
I think they were all owners of the car
They all left
Gave me the keys
Or maybe didn't give me the keys
Just told me to be responsible for it
I am not sure about the keys
Or them telling me anything about it

All of a sudden the car start to move
Move in all directions
Going this way
And that way
As if some one was inside the car trying to control it
But couldn't tell...

I wasn't inside the car
I was outside
Outside of it
I am like an outsider
Always an outsider
Outside of things
Outside of groups
Outside of group activities
Outside of inside

I was trying to control the car
My intension was to stop it
Stop it from moving
There were lots of things in its way
Lots of cardboards
Lots of buildings
Small buildings which looked like cardboard huts in Nepal
And seemed like if I didn't do something soon
They will all look like the torn down buildings of Nepal
I had an oncoming earthquake in my hands and I couldn't control it
Couldn't stop it from happening

Why did they make me in charge of their car?
I don't drive
But In the dream I thought I knew how to drive
I ean drive I thought. I used to drive in an other country

Which country?

I don't remember....

Long time ago
I used to do many things long time ago

I used to be happy
I used to be with people
I used to laugh
I used to be excited
I used to not worry so much about money
Actually I never worried about money
Not that I had a bundle of it at any time
But just the worry about money wasn't there

The word, "MONEY" WASN'T PART OF MY DAILY LANGUAGE
Actually it wasn't part of my conscious or sub conscious
I wonder maybe thats why I never had it
Its like what John Galsworthy said, 'If you don't think about the future you won't have a future."
So I never thought about money and thus I never had it
But now I am constantly thinking of money and I still don't have it
But the thought of money is very disturbing
You don't have it
You don't know how to have it
How to get it
But you think and worry about it all day long
All night long
So it turns into a nightmare

A nightmare during the day time and a nightmare during the night time
Its awful
Its absolutely awful …
Torture...

Not fun
Not fun at all
If you have no capability to earn money just forget thinking about it
This constant bullshit that ,"They, have it and I don't."
"Oh! money! money! money…………..
I hate it.

Maybe all my awful dreams are about that
Appearing in the subconscious in the form of metaphors
Lack of money
Or actually the, "Worry" about the lack of money
Appearing in the forms of daggers and knives and burnt food and trains leaving
Without me or me not getting to the examination hall on time
Or me being naked and can't find any clothes to wear and have to get to some place important.

I just realized that the word, "IMPORTANT."   THAT WORD, IMPORTANT HAVE BEEN

 EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE, WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE IMPORTANCE OF

 THE WORD,  IS?

Every one had been extremely important to me
Relatives
People
Strangers
Exams
Grades
Rewards
Awards
Feelings
Other people's feelings
Other people's life
Other people's professions
Other people's awards, their grants, their travels, their successes
Only thing which hasn't been important was other people's, "Failures."
As if they never failed ever
As if I am the only one who failed
Failed in every way
But every one else succeeded
Every one else was always thinner than me
Taller than me
Had more success
No matter what the word, "Success" meant to me then and now
I have also never understood the word, "Success" either
Then or now
This word remains very vague to me

All this mumbo jumbo has gotten deep under the layers of my tired brain from thinking about nonsense
and nonsensical issues which don't concern me directly but still concern me somehow
Things such as people on their cell phones all the time
I mean all the time…..
ON THE SUBWAY
ON THE STREETS
INSIDE THE CAFES
INSIDE A THEATER
INSIDE A MOVIE HOUSE
INFRONT OF THEIR EYES WHEN THEY ARE TALKING TO YOU

 Why should it concern me?
Why can't I look the other way?
I should
I can
But which other way should I look at?
They are all over the place
Their eyes glued to the screen
But its not my life
Why should it bother me?
But it does
It does bother me
Maybe ,"Bother " is too strong a word
I should say I notice it
I notice them on the cell phone all day long
I shouldn't
But I do
I should close my eyes
But then I will bump into the car
The car coming on to everything
The car which is going to damage everything in its site very soon
The car I can't control
The car I can't stop
I can't find the brakes
I can't put my foot on the brakes of the car
Because I am not inside the car
It seems like the car is being controlled by remote control
Like all these humans on the cell phone
And my brain being controlled by them

Maybe I am not in control of my life in any which way like that little shitty car of my dream
Maybe I can't find the brakes to stop and then go in the right direction
Maybe my dreams are all about that
My lack of control of me, my life, my desires, my hope, my money, my loves, my lack of
friends……

And why this word, "Friends" occupies your conversations?
'Why the word, "Friends" is so crucial to you?
Because its a good word
Because its good to have friends
Because you can discuss things with them
Important things
The events
The important events happening in the lousy world we live in
Events such as burning of buildings
Beheadings
Wars
Religions
Boyfriends
Dreams
Failures
Lack of money
Dreams going no where
Walks
Food
Coffee
One can share everything with a friend
But not with just a so called friend
But with a true friend
Or true friends
But where are they?
You live in New york honey
New york is about money
Not friendship
Time is money and friends waste time giggling and laughing and talking
"Oh! I was with a friend for half an hour and I lost five thousand dollars."
"What? your friend stolel your money?"
"No, Since I wasted time with a friend I couldn't make money during that time so I lost it

'Thats why I never see any friends because I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY DURING THE TIME I HAVE."

Since I don't make any money, I just think of friends,
But there are no friends
You are in New York City.
I mean people say that they are your friends but they are not really
As far as I am concerned no one has any friends here.

But I am a very negative person and since I don't have friends I want to believe that no one else does either...

But I hear people in cafes
They are with friends
But they don't seem sincere with each other
They seem like using each other
For some kind of contact, some kind of benefit, some kind of upper hand for themselves

Its like, I am usually alone
Isolated
Solitary
But I get some theater tickets some time
And people know that
They never call me to be with me
but call asking, are you going to see a play sometime soon?"

I like an idiot used to say, "Oh! sure, Tomorrow, I have an extra ticket, you want to come?"

'Oh! I would love to come."

'Ok, come then.  My treat,"

You can't imagine how many times I have treated those disappearing friends to the theater and coffees
And taken them to brand new fabulous cafes and introduced them to the managers and actors and stars
and influential people.

Next  week you see them with those people and don't say hello to you.
They are with the person you introduced them  to and they behave they have never known you ever.

Its the things they need to use you for….
You are only good for that….
They are not your friends
They just want to get whatever they can get from you and then disappear.

I am not bitter
Maybe I am
And don't know about my bitterness till it appears in my dreams
Thank god for the dreams
At least the bitterness, disappointments, failures, sorrows, loneliness of existence
has an expression.

Its good to air these things so they won't suffocate you
They suffocate you at night but fade away during the day
During the day you prepare, you rehearse the material for your next dream
So thats how it goes
I know, I think I know that everything you encounter in your life,  encounter every day is part of your dreams…I know that much.  I am smart.  I think I am.  I went to college.  I went to universities.
Don't universities make you smart?

May be I went to the wrong universities.
I should have gone to NYU, BUSINESS SCHOOL AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY WALLET AND MY BANK  ACCOUNT WOULD HAVE BEEN FULL OF MONEY…
AND MY AWFUL DREAMS WOULD HAVE ENDED LONG TIME AGO…………..

But then the dream changed
Have you ever noticed that when you turn on your side, the other side, when you turn from
side to side in your sleep the dream you were dreaming ends and in a little while if you are lucky or unlucky another awful dream begins,  especially in my case….
In my dreams I feel like I live in London, London of Charles Dickens times and I am that poor boy
of Dickens novels in the docks looking at the ships going by wondering who is in them and who owns them and feeling hungry all the time and looking muddy and dirty with sore skin and dry mouth...

I have never in my dreams have ever eaten at Balthazar though I eat there in my real life.
Can you believe that I went to Balthazar every day for a whole year and some more?
Yes, I did and wrote  something called, 'BALTHAZAR DAYS."  Now don't you steal my title…

I have known some snakes in my life.

They stole my Ideas, my words, my time, my affection, my fondness for life, my sharing of secrets of beautiful places, my enthusiasm, my laughter.

They stole all from me.

It reminds me of some words of James Joyce in the movie, 'DEAD'  While a poet recites a poem which was something like this…..Don't remember exactly,  I have to see the movie again.

Its one of the very best movie I have ever seen and I have seen it so many times and I cry again and again at some scenes such as when Angelica Housten is wearing that beautiful white scarf over her head, standing in the staircase and listening to a song some one started to sing, the song which reminds her of a young man she used to be very fond of, Michael Fury was his name and he died when he was
17 and he used to sing that song.

And, in another scene when a poet recites words such as,
You stole the sun from me."
"You stole the moon from me."
'You stole me from me."
Perhaps the last sentence is mine and there was much more in that poem and it always made me cry….

And the people I thought were my friends, they stole every thing from me.
I took them seriously……………..
Now I don't see any one…………..
Now I go and buy books, classical books, hard covers with big prints….
I cried so much in my life that I can't read the small print any more……………

Then my dream changed when I turned on the other side
All of a sudden I am giving a recital
I am supposed to be a poet in my dream
A poet from India
I remember that I was from India in my dream
In my real life I am not from India
I love India
But I am not from India
But before the recital of my poem I am telling the audience about the things I love about India…

The spice, the mangoes,  the smell,  the curry,  the colors,  the sun,  the rain

The monuments, the brutality of British in India, the way they lived there, the lavishness of all,

The Indian servant boys polishing their shoe while they are wearing them and standing tall and erect like a sahib and the beautiful young boys, indian of course bending their tiny backs, bowing down on the ground and polishing their already very shining boots with which they were crushing them every day dressed in beautiful beige linen suits tailored for them by Indian servant tailors……
the partition, the massacre, the independence………..

I was telling the audience THAT IN MY CHILDHOOD IN INDIA I ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT FLOWERS AND SAFFRON AND CUMIN AND CLOVES AND BANARSI SARI AND FLOWING SILK AND PURE COTTN,  WHITE AS THE WHITE DOVE.

 AND ROADS COVERED WITH JASMINE ON BOTH SIDES AND MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND MY NEIGHBORS AND THE TANDOOR WALLAH AND
MY PLAYMATES, MY FRIENDS BUT HERE…………….

I WAS TELLING THE AUDIENCE, "HERE I AM ALWAYS THINKING OF MONEY.
MONEY WHICH I DON'T HAVE AND THE MONEY PERHAPS I DON'T NEED BECAUSE MY NEEDS ARE NOT OF GREED BUT SOMEHOW I AM ALWAYS THING OF MONEY.
I FEEL CURSED."  

ACTUALLY I SHOULD THINK OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS BUT ALAS!THAT MAKES ME THINK THAT I WILL BE DOUBLY CURSED...

Then I turn to the other side and I am awake.
The dream has ended.

GET HER OFF MY BACK

GET HER OFF MY BACK

"She always says,"Get her off my back."

But then she wants me to put her on my back.

Unbelievable.....
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

:Art is an abstraction.  Extract it from your dreams

about nature and think more of the creation than of the result.

The only way to approach God is to do as our divine master did, to create."
                                                                                              Gauguin

"I am by nature a very sad person.

But I was never like this before now--more and more I am sad

every day."      BS

"With burning hatred in his heart"

"Tribulation served only to sharpen his sensitivity,his talent."
                                                                       Gauguin

"He is included in the cause of my sadness...
Just like the rest of the family.  He doesn't laugh with me any more."
                                                                        BS

"What you must accomplish with money, accomplish with Imagination."   BS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was a person on stage who is never on stage in real life.

She was wearing a mini black skirt and a white blouse

and black boots......

Then she was on the other side of the room being a critic....

Then the scene changes.....

Dreams are like movies without black outs .

B

 when one wakes up.....

Then me and my b

YOUR DUTY

YOUR DUTY

Your duty is to defend yourself against insult, against humiliation, against aggression.

"Don't get used to bad behavior." annonymus

Guido Guini Celli?
Marmontel?
Dean Swift?
Find them...

Chaos
Chaos
Chaos

'Spoil yourself a little."  BS

MANHATTAN SPLEEN

Isn't it sad
That I have the same exact problems since decades
I have neither solved them
Nor have been able to get rid of them. BS

"A terrible tragedy
Terrible waste of talent
Ability
Emotions
Energy
And
Life force...BS

"IF YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE PROBLEMS
LEARN TO LIVE WITH THEM
AND BE CONTENT WITH YOUR UNHAPPINESS
OR JUST BE CONTENT AND NOT UNHAPPY...BS

"My life wasn't supposed to be like this"
I said to a friend
And she said,
"How do you know?

And I was amazed at her question.

'Not meant for the kitchen
No, not at all."

Lately I am always in the kitchen...

"Get out of the kitchen"
'Get out of the apt"  BS

"Take a shower at night

LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW

LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW
BY
BINA SHARIF:                        copyright:binasharif 2019

DANCERS:

When Mary came into the rehearsal room, Jessica was already at the bar

and didn't seem like the person Jessica thought she knew.

So she waited near the bar for Mary to finish her exercises.

After Mary is done, Jessica approaches her.

JESSICA:

Are you alright Mary?

MARY:

Yes, Why?  hy do you ask ?

JESSICA:

Because you seem pale

MARY:

Thank you for your concern, but I am alright.

And why should I not look pale?

I am pale.

I am of Ivory shade, which is as pale as a pale pearl

and I look that way unlike you...

JESSICA:

What? What? ""Unlike me---What do you mean?  Unlike me...

MARY:

Yes, thats what I mean, Unlike You who came from godforsaken

desert and look like black charcoal, as if someone painted your face

your arms, your legs, your whole body with boiling coal and hot lava,

You who smell like jet black ink, always bothering me about my skin color.

"You look pale, are you alright?"  Always the same question.  Always bothering

me about my skin color..."Pale" you call it...

Instead of saying that you are jealous of my Ivory complexion, you say, "Oh! Mary

are you alright?  "You look pale." You are jealous, you pretend to be nice, pretend to be

concerned and always bothering me with the same question, "why do I look so pale?"

I look pale because my complexion is of the color of pale pearls, pale jade, pale ruby...

I am not jet black like you and you are jealous, jealous of my beauty, my delicate,

translucent, fragile skin unlike your skin which is like parchment of tough leather

stretched out like layerings of un-melted coal with fissures cracking it very existence.

You must come from coal country. You must come from the kingdom of blackness

as dar as the darkest possible night.  Yoi who hate your self...

WHAT HAPPENED WITH MY POST?

WHAT HAPPENED WITH MY POST?  I DON'T SEE IT...

3 HOURS WORK JUST DISAPPEARED......I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

WHO THE HELL KNOW!

IT'S GONE...

DID YOU HIT THE DELETE BUTTON?

"WHY WOULD I DO THAT?"

A MISTAKE PERHAPS...

I NEVER HIT ANY GOD DAMNED BUTTON

THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

I HAVE NO IDEA, ALL OF A SUDDEN I WAS BACK TO MY BLOG

I HAD NOT PUBLISHED THE ARTICLE YET AND I COULDN'T FIND IT.

IT WAS GONE, GONE, GONE.

I WAS SO MAD THAT I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING FOR DAYS.

WHAT A WASTE!

"MAYBE IT'S IN THE DRAFT SECTION?

I CHECKED IT, IT'S NOT THERE

YOU HAVE THE ARTICLE WRITTEN ANYWHERE?

YES, I WROTE IT IN MY NOTEBOOK...

THEN TYPE IT AGAIN

WHO HAS THE ENERGY?

YOU HAVE TO DO IT

I DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH

LEARN YOUR COMPUTER

WHAT?

LEARN...YOU CAN'T ESCAPE LEARNING THE TECHNOLOGY,

YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST OUT ON MANY OPPORTUNITIES

RIGHT

YES, RIGHT...WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN?  ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO LEARN

TO PUSH SOME BUTTONS AND MOVE YOUR FINGER UP AND DOWN ON YOUR SCREEN

LIKE ALL OTHER IDIOTS ARE DOING.

THEY ARE NOT IDIOTS, THEY ARE SMART

SO ARE YOU

NO, I AM THE ONE WHO IS AN IDIOT

THEN YOU WILL FOR SURE LEARN...THIS SYSTEM WAS MADE FOR IDIOTS

IT'S JUST THE BUTTON AND A FINGER...THAT'S THE REASON ALL OF THEM KNOW

HOW TO DO IT,  IT'S NOT MADE FOR THE BRAIN,  IT'S MADE FOR THE FINGER...

SWIPE IT UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN AND YOU BECOME A

GENIUS...GO AHEAD, BECOME A GENIUS...DON'T KEEP LOOSING YOUR WRITING

LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOUR FINGER AND IT WON'T GO TO THE DELETE

BUTTON...

I DIDN'T GO TO DELETE...WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE DOING IT...

I AM SO TIRED

LEARN, LEARNING WILL INVIGORATE YOU.  YOU WILL BE SO PROUD OF YOUR SELF

IF YOU LEARNED THINGS EARLY ON,  NOW AT THIS TIME OF CORONA-VIRUS

YOU WILL BE A STAR ON LINE...."WATCH ME...WATCH ME...ON ZOOM, ON

INSTAGRAM,

ON FACETIME...WATCH ME...WATCH ME...AT 2PM, THEN AT 3PM, THEN AT 4PM, WATCH

ME, WATCH ME, I AM ON ZOOM, WATCH ME I AM ON FACE TIME, WATCH ME I AM

ON INSTAGRAM..."


"SEE YOU WOULD BE ON TV.  HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV BEFORE?  NEVER.

AND NOW COVID-19 HAS GIVEN YOU THE CHANCE TO BE ON TV ALL DAY LONG

AND YOU WOULD HAVE HAD HUNDREDS OF VIEWS, YOUR FANS WILL BE BEGGING

YOU TO COME ON FACETIME AND JUST TALK ABOUT YOURSELF...THAT'S ENOUGH

FOR A STAR TO DO.  TALK ABOUT YOURSELF.  THAT'S THE REAL ART,  NO MORE

FICTION, NOT POPULAR, TALK ABOUT YOURSELF, THATS MORE INTERESTING,

THAT'S WHY YOU ARE ON TV SO YOU CAN MAKE PEOPLE RELAX, ENTERTAIN THEM,

NO TALK OF COVID-19.  WE KNOW IT'S ALL OVER BUT IT'S SUCH A MORBID THOUGHT

 AND YOU WANT YOUR FANS TO AVOID ALL MORBID THOUGHTS AND ONLY TALK

ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE DISEASE...

AND SINCE WE DON'T HAVE ENTERTAINING MUSICALS AND COMEDIES OUT THERE

ON BROADWAY, PEOPLE HAVE TO BE ENTERTAINED AND FORGET ABOUT COVID-19

FOR A FEW HOURS.  THAT IS SO POSITIVE, DON'T YOU THINK?  LEARN HOW TO BE ON

ZOOM, INSTGRAM,  FCETIME,  BE POPULAR,  BUILT A FAN BASE,  THEY WILL BE

SUCH

FAN OF YOURS THAT THEY WILL TYPE ALL YOUR STUFF FOR FREE BECAUSE THEY

LOVED YOU ON LINE AND ARE DYING TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU...

PLEASE LEARN ABOUT TECHNOLOGY FROM NOW ON BECAUSE THE SECOND WAVE

OF CORONA-VIRUS WILL BE COMING...VIRUS IS NOT GOING ANY WHERE...

IT HAS COME TO STAY...DON'T HATE ME FOR SAYING SO...IT'S A SCIETIFIC FACT...

SECOND WAVE COMES IF THE DISEASE HAS NOT BEEN ELIMINATED...AND IT HASN'T

BEEN ELIMINATED...EVERY DAY PEOPLE ARE DYING EVERYWHERE...

VIRUS IS LIKE A BAD GUEST WHO COMES FOR A WEEK, THEN LINGERS ON FOR

ANOTHER WEEK AND ANOTHER AND NOW A FEW MONTHS HAVE PASSED AND YOU

CAN'T KICK HIM OUT BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T..IT'S THE LAW, CAN'T TOUCH HIM ,

CAN'T THROW HIM OUT PHISICALLY...TO TOUCH HIM AND PUSH HIM OUT THE DOOR

IS DANGEROUS JUST LIKE THE VIRUS...YOU JUST CAN'T TOUCH THE VIRUS...RIGHT?

RIGHT...THAT'S WHY EVERY ONE IS WEARING MASKS ND GLOVES...MAYBE NOT

EVERY ONE...SOME ARE JUST ASS HOLES BUT SENSIBLE PEOPLE ARE NEITHER

TOUCHING A GUEST WHO OVERSTAYED AND NOW WANTS YOUR MANHATTAN APT

AND YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THAT COURT PROCESS TO GET HIM OUT AND FOR

COVID-19 YOU HAVE TO FIND A VACCINE...YEARS OF LONG PROESS JUST LIKE THE

COURTS...SO WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY THAT VIRUS IS HERE TO STAY AND IF YOU

LEARN HOW TO BE ON ALL THOSE SITES STREAMING YOU OUT TO YOURFANS AND

YOU LOOK DECENT WITH MAKE UP AND HAIR DO AND PUT SOME FLOWERS IN-

FRONT OF THE CAMERA...OK, YOU DON'T HAVE FLOWERS RIGHT NOW...YOU ARE

AFRAID TO GO OUT, UNDERSTOOD...SO, PUT A PAINTING OR TWO INFRONT OF THE

CAMERA...OH! NO PAINTING?  YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE PAINTING?  jesus...

you must be too poor...YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A PRINT OF PICASSO FROM MOMA

AND FRAMED IT AND PUT IT ON THE WALL...FOR THE SET UP IN CASE YOU HAD TO

BE ON LINE FOR YOUR FANS AT THE TIME OF NATIONAL CRISIS...

OR YOU CAN SIT IN-FRONT OF A BOOK SHELF...WITH SOME IMPRESSIVE LOOKING

CLASSICS...OH! YOU DON'T HAVE A BOOK SHELF?  WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE?

BOOK SHELF IS DUSTY...OK, TAKE A FEW BOOKS, LIKE COLLECTED WORKS OF

SHAKSPEARE, DUST THEM OFF AND PUT IT RIGHT IN-FRONT OF THE CAMERA TO

IMPRESS PEOPLE BUT ONCE YOU ARE BEING STREAMED, TALK ONLY ABOUT

YOURSELF...YOUR FANS WANT TO BE RELAXED AND ARE NOT IN THE MOOD FOR

SHAKESPEARE...THEY WON'T UNDERSTAND SHAKESPEARE EITHER...

THEY KNOW TECHNOLOGY, THEY HAVE NO TIME FOR ANOTHER GENIUS...

SO, GET READY, LEARN HOW TO BE ON LINE FOR THE SECOND WAVE OF COVID-19

YOU CAN ALSO PUT SOME OF YOUR VIDEOS OF YOUR PREVIOUS WORK ON SOME

PAYING SITES AND MAKE MONEY...THE LONGER THE LOCK DOWN WILL LAST, MORE

MONEY YOU WILL MAKE...

OH! YOU HAVE NO VIDEOS OF YOUR WORK...YOU ARE REALLY FUCKED...

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING?

I HAD NO BODY TO MAKE VIDEOS FOR ME...I DIDN'T HAVE FANS...

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T KNOW TECHNOLOGY...YOU WERE NEVER ON

INSTAGRAM...WERE YOU EVER ON INSTAGRAM?  DID YOU POST YOUR OWN PHOTOS

EVERY FIVE INUTES ON INSTAGRAM?  i BET YOU DIDN'T...HOW COULD YOU?  YOU

DON'T HAVE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT...YOU HAVE NO FOLLOWERS...NO WONDER

YOU ARE NOT ON LINE...NO WONDER IF NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU...

EVERY ONE IS IN THEIR HOUSE, WITH CARPETS, SOFAS, PAITINGS, BOOKSHELVES

TALKING ABOUT THE POOR SLOBS, THE DEDICATED MARTYRS WORKING FOR THEM

THEY CALL THEM, "ESSENTIAL WORKERS."  RIGHT?  SO ALL OF THEM STREAMING

THEMSELVES IN-FRONT OF THEIR FLOWERS AND BOOKS MUST BE, "NON ESSENTIAL"

SO WHY THE HELL WE HAVE TO WATCH THESE ,"NONESSENTIAL". GIVING US

ADVICE? WHY ARE THEY SO SPECIALL AND THE OTHER SO CALLED, "ESSENTIAL

WORKERS" ARE PUTTING THEIR LIVES ON LINE?  "NON ESSENTIALS". HAVE

LUXURIOUS LIVES....

I knew that already but I didn't know that ALL OF THEM HAVE SO MANY BOOKS AND SO

MANY BOOKSHELVES...ALL OF THEM EXPERTS, STARS, ANCHORMEN ARE SITTING IN-

FRONT OF THEIR BOOK SHELVES...

DO THEY HAVE TMET TO READ?  BETWEEN THEIR SPIN CYCLES, MAKE UP AND HAIR

APPOINTMENTS, HAMPTONS, BEACHES,  THEATER OPENINGS, MUSEUM GALLAS...

WHAT A SURPRISE THAT THEY ALSO READ BOOKS.

I BET YOU THE ,"FRONT WORKERS DON'T READ BOOKS.  I AM SURE THEY WANT TO

BUT THEY HAVE NO TIME BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY ARE SAVING LIVES OF THE

MILLIONAIRS...

WHEN I WATCHED ALL THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE BEING STREAMED FORM THEIR

MANSIONS IN-FRONT OF THEIR BOOK SHELVES...DO NOT EAD.  THOSE BOOKS ARE

THERE FOR SHOW OFF.....THEY ARE TRYING TO TELL US THAT THEY HAVE

,"INTELLECTUAL GRAVITAS."  I KNOW THEY HAVE MONEY BUT, "INTELLECTUAL

GARVITAS ?"  I DOUBT IT.  THAT IS HARD WORK...AND THEY ARE NOT USED TO DOING

 THE HARD WORK...THEY HAVE BROWN PEOPLE, BLK PEOPLE, IMMIGRANTS, ETHNIC

MINORITIES DOING THE HARD WORK FOR THEM JUST LIKE TA THE TIME OF

COVID-19 ALL OF THEM DYING, DOING SUCH HARD WORK TO SAVE THE ONE'S

IN THEIR MANSIONS BEING SREAMED ON LINE TELLING US HOW THANKFUL THEY

ARE...THANKING THE GROCERY AND DELIVERY MAN.  WOW, THINGS DO CHANGE...

THE RICH PEOPLE INSTEAD SCREAMING AT THOSE AND ORDERING THEM AROUND

AS IF THEY ARE ANIMALS ARE NOW THANKING THEM....

BUT i DO DIGESS...LE'S GET BACK TO YOU LEARNING THE MODERN TECHNOLOGY...

SO YOU CAN ALSO BE ON LINE LIKE THE BILLONAIRS...INFRONT OF THE CAMERA

WITH YOUR SHESPEARE AND CAMUS AND HIS GREAT BOOK, "THE PLAGUE."

I WONDER IF THEY EVER READ THAT BOOK, THE PLAGUE BY ALBERT CAMUS?

I DON'T THINK SO...SOUNDS MORBID AND RICH PEOPLE DON'T EVER GO NEAR

MORBID TOPICS...THEY ARE INTO ENTERTAINMENT AND NOW MANY WANABEE'S

ARE ENTERTAINING THEM AND MAKING MONEY...

"WATCH ME, I AM ON LINE AT 2PM...WATCH ME i AM ON FACETIME AT 3PM...WATCH

ME, WATCH ME...."  SEE NOW YOU WILL HAVE A NEW CAREER IF YOU ONLY KNOW

HOW TO BE ON INSTAGRAM AND ZOOM AND ALL OTHER SIGHTS, LEARN QUICKLY,

THE SECOND WAVE OF CORONA-VIRUS IS COMING...

ACTUALLY THE FIRST WAVE HAS GONE AWAY YET...SO YOU AHVE LOTS OF TIME...

DON'T YOU NOW RUIN THE CHANCES OF YOUR SECOND CAREER AS WELL?

IT'S THE SECOND COMING DARLING, THE SECOND COMING.

NOTEBOOK NUMBER UNKNOWN

NOTEBOOK NUMBER UNKNOWN

"I LIKE NOTHING."

GREAT

"YOU HAVE ACHIEVED IT."

"IGNORE YOURSELF
"DON'T BE SO LIMITED IN YOUR THOUGHTS."
"OPEN UP YOUR HORIZONS"
"GO BEYOND."............BS

"IF PARIS WAS NEXT DOOR
I WILL GO THERE RIGHT NOW.
BUT ONLY NJ IS NEXT DOOR...........B

"IF MARAKESH WAS NEXT DOOR
I WILL GO THERE RIGHT NOW
"BUT ONLY WESCHESTER IS NEXT DOOR." _________BS

"LIMITED HORIZONS."

"LIFE IS BORING WITHOUT YOU."

"ARTIFIC AND CALCULATIONS,
MOST OF THEM DO THAT, WRITERS
AND ARTISTS WHO MAKE MONEY."______?

"PEOPLE.
__________

FORGET PEOPLE
ALL PEOPLE?
SOME PEOPLE
WHICH PEOPLE?
THEM PEOPLE
WHICH PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHICH PEOPLE

WHICH PEOPLE?
THEM PEOPLE
WHICH PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHICH PEOPLE

PEOPLE?
YES, PEOPLE
WHICH PEOPLE?
YOU KNOW WHICH PEOPLE
ALL PEOPLE?

OK,
FORHET ALL PEOPLE.

"IDEAS.
________

NEVER TELL ANY ONE ABOUT YOUR IDEAS
THEY WILL TAKE IT AND PUT IT ON THE COMPUTER
AND SELL IT FAST

COPYRIGHT BEFORE THEY HAVE THE CHANCE TO STEAL IT
COPYRIGHT DOESN'T HELP
EVERY ONE STEALS UNLESS YOU DO FIND OUT

AND EVEN THEN YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
UNLESS YOU TAKE THEM TO COURT AND WIN...
AND HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN TAKE ANYONE TO COURT?

"AN INSPIRED BEING."
"A SURREALIST"

"HE PRIDES HIMSELF ON THAT
FOR WHICH HE IS LEAST RESPONSIBLE."

"YOU CAN CHAT AWAY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT
AS MUCH AS YOU CAN
AND I WILL WRITE IT ALL DOWN
HOW ABOUT THAT?"______________BS

"THERE ,THE POET LABORS"
"HERE THE POET LABORS"
POET LABORS HERE AND THERE."_______?

"THERE ARE PALYWRIGHTS WHO TEACH
GOES ABROAD FOR CONFERENCES
ENGLAND
SOUTH KOREA
JAPAN
BRAZIL
AUSTRALIA....

TAKEN OUT FOR DINNERS
RECEPTIONS
PARTIES
MORE DINNERS AND MORE DINNERS...

I FEEL FAMISHED
FAMISHED RIGHT NOW
EAT-------
WHAT?
A SANDWITCH
A SANDWITCH?
YES, A SANDWITCH_____

I AM NOT THAT KIND OF A PLAYWRIGHT
WHAT?
I DON'T TEACH
I DON'T GO ABROAD FOR COFERENCES

YOU CAN STILL EAT A SANDWITCH
REALLY?
YES, REALLY
FROM WHAT MONEY?
FROM PLAYWRITING
YOU ARE KIDDING ME_____-

ALL PLAYWRIGHTS ARE HAVING DINNER
THEY ARE ALL AT THE CONFERENCES
THEY ARE BEING FED
AND YOU?
WHAT?
YOU, YES YOU?
WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHY CAN'T YOU EAT A SANDWITCH?
WHY?
YES, WHY? EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT AT A CONFERENCE?
I THOUGHT YOU WETE SMATER THAN THAT
I AM SMART, I AM AT A CONFERENCE, I AM HAVING LAVISH DINNERS
BUT YOU CAN HAVE AHAM AND CHEESE SANDWITCH AT HOME...
DOM'T YOU HAVE ANY WHITR BREAD AT HOME?
TAKE TWO SLICES OF THE SOGGY WHITE BREAD
PUT A SLICE OF AMERICAN CHEDDER CHEESE ON BOTH
PUT A LITTLE BIT OF HAM FOR TASTE
AND PUT IT ON A FRYING PAN
TURN THE LITTLE HEAT ON..

TURN THE SLICES UPSIDE DOWN
THE SANDWITCH IS READY
NOW EAT IT........
YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN
BE PRACTICAL
EAT YOUR HAM AND CHEESE SANDWITCH
AND STOP COMPLAINING
I HAVE TO GET GOING
THE ACADEMY IS PICKING ME UP
WE ARE GOING TO FOUR SEASONS FOR DINNER
ENJOY YOUR HAM AND CHEESE SANDWITCH...
GOOD NIGHT FOR NOW...........

A PIECE OF ADVICE
BEFORE I GO TO FOUR SEASONS FOR MY DINNER

WRITE WHAT THE ACADMY LIKES
WRITE WHAT THE CRITICS LIKE
WRITE WHAT THE MONEY PEOPLE LIKE
SOME JOKES, SOME POLITICALLY CORRECT TOPICS

FORGET ABOUT A FEEL FOR HUMANITY
FOR POOR PEOPLE
FOR HOMELESS
TALK ABOUT THE RICH AND COMFORTABLE
MAKE THE RICH FABLOUS
MAKE THE RICH ENJOYABLE
MAKE THE RICH HUMEROUS
KISS ASS
KISS ASS
KISS ASS
AND YOU WILL BE How are you?VING DINNER AT FOUR SEASONS AS WELL

OTHERWISE THE HAM AND CHEESE SANDWITCH
WILL BE RESERVED FOR YOU FOR DINNER FOREVER AND...........EVER.
BY NOW............


SOMETHING IS WRONG
---------------------------------

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"I DON'T KNOW....."
SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH YOU"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"I KNOW"
"HOW?"
"YOU WASTE A LOT OF TIME WITH PEOPLE"
"I DO?"
"YES, WHAT A DISGRACE...
"YOU WASTE A LOT OF TIME ON USELESS PEOPLE."

"WHAT'S WROG WITH YOU?"
"DON'T KNOW..."
YES, SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WITH YOU."
_______________________________

IMPORTANT PEOPLE, IN A FASCINATING DEMOCRACY.
____________________________________________________

"ALL THOSE IMPORTANT PEOPLE
DOING IMPORTANT THINGS
TALKING TO EACH OTHER
TALKING TO OTHER IMPORTANT PEOPLE
SITTING NEXT TO ME...
ARE DEPRESSING ME"
THEY ARE SAYING THINGS LIKE ...

"OH1 THERE IS MORE DEMOCRACY HERE
THAN ANY OTHER PART OF THE WORLD."

"OH! FOR SURE...(The other says)
"REALLY INTERSETING DEBATE
LAST NIGHT ABOUT COUNCIL ON FOREIGN INTERESTS..."
T"THEY ARE DEMOCRATIC TOO."
"BUT OF COURSE, ALL OF US FROM RICH COUNTRIES ARE DEMOCRATIC"
"BUT OF COURSE, WE HAVE THE BEST DEMOCRACY IN THE WORLD."
"BUT OF COURSE, IT'S IN OUR CONSTITUTION."
"GREAT, I WS BORN IN FRANCE BUT HEY, THE BEST DEMOCRACY IS HERE."
"BUT OF COURSE."
"FASCINATING."

I LEFT THE CAFE
TONS OF HOMELESS RIGHT OUT SIDE THE CAFE
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BEST DEMOCRACY IN THE WHOLE WORLD...
MAYBE THE HOMELESS SHOULD ASK A QUESTION OR TWO FROM THE
COUNCIL ON DOMESTIC AFFAIRSABOUT EQUALITY AND DEMOCRACY...
MAYBE?
BUT THATS NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION...
THERE WERE NO HOMELESS WHEN THE CONSTITUTION WAS WRITTEN
THERE WERE ONLY SLAVES........
FASCINATING..........INSIGHT INTO  MULTICULTURISM"
"EVERYTHING IS SO WHITE.....
AT LEAST IN THE MONEY MAKING SECTOR....
THAT WAS WRITTEN IN THE CONSTITUTION AS WELL........"
"FASCINATING EXPERIENCES TO GO TO THE FANCY CAFE'S
WHERE THE RICH FOR WHOM THE CONSTITUTION WAS WRITTEN GO........"
"FASCINATING PEOPLE
FASCINATING PLACES
FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS
SO LUCKY TO BE HERE.............
AMONGST THE MOST FASCINATING DEMOCRACY.
________________________________________________


"MAN HAS INCURABLE ISOLATION...
THAT'S THE EXPRESSION OF HIS ESTRANGEMENT FROM
TRANSCENDENT UNITY.".............?

"THEY HAVE DISINTERESTED ACTIVITY
PREMEDITATED AND NOT SPONTANNEOUS"............?

"MY JOB AS AN ARTIST IS NOT TO SHOW THE BALANCED PICTURE
BUT TO POINT OUT AT THE IMBALANCE IN SOCIETY
SO SOMETHING CAN BE DONE BY SOMEONE/WHOTHE DISRUPTION OF REALITY.EVER
RULES THAT SOCIETY.  MY FUNCTION AS AN ARTIST IS
ALSO NOT TO FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THE SOCIAL PROBLEMS
AND INJUSTICES BUT TO RAISE QUESTIONS ABOUT THOSE PROBLEMS."........?

"SURREALISTIC DIRECTIONS
IT'S EVOCATION OF THE MYSTERY OF THE UNCONSCIOUS,
THE DISRUPTION OF REALITY."

"ART IS THE INTERIOR LANDSCAPE OF A MAN
WHO SET OUT A LONG TIME AGO FOR THE ULTIMATE POLE OF HIS BEING."

"SURREALISTS DEAL WITH THE INTERIOR WORLD AND IT'S MYSTERY."....?

"IF WHAT THE POET REPORTS FROM THE DEPTH OF HIS BEING HAS FORM,
HE REPRODUCES FORM.".........?

"YOU CAN EXPRESS DREAMS WITH NORMAL LANGUAGE."  ?

"INVEST WITH UNEXPECTED IMPORT."....?

"LET THE ACCUMULATION OF ARTIFICIAL CULTURE GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD,"  ?

"HE WILL BE ABLE TO BE FLOODED BY THE TORRENTS OF HIS INTERIOR LIFE."  ?

"USE INTENTION AS A MAGINIFYING GLASS."

" SHE IS A LAMB IN TIGER'S CLOTHES,
OR SHE IS MENTALLY ILL...
THE FIRST THING DOESN'T SEEM FEASIBLE.
SHE MUST BE MENTALLY ILL.
SHE,AFTER FEW WEEKS INITIAL FURY...CALMS DOWN
TILL A NEW FURY TAKES IT'S PLACE.
STAY AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE.".......BS

"ALL DAY SITTING,
BAD FOOD,
IRREGULAR SLEEPING HOURS,
LACK OF EXCERCISE,
NOT ENOUGH MOVEMENTS,
ANGER AT YOUR SELF,
REGRET OF WASTE AND WASTING ENERGY AND TIME,
IS THAT YOU?"........BS

"FROM THE CONVERGENCE OF MYSELF
AND FROM THE DISPERSION OF MYSELF,
THERE LIES THE WHOLE OF IT.".....Baudelaire

"ART SHOULD EXPLORE."...?

"WHITE
PROTESTENT
EDUCATED
PART OF ACADEMY
A PERFECTLY ACCEPTED ARTIST."   ?

"I HATE MYSELF OFTEN,
AND SOME PEOPLE AS WELL,
I HATE THE FACT THAT I WASTED
SO MUCH TIME ON THEM."   BS

'REPRESSED INSTINCTS,
FEAR
THE APPEAL OF UNUSAL HAZARDS
TASTE FOR LUXURY,
EXPRESSION OF THESE REPRESSED INSTINCTS
WILL PERHAPS RESCUE THE POET FROM
HIS INCURABLE DISQUIET."....?

"I HAVE THAT INCURABLE DISQUIET OF THE POET."....BS

"IT'S LIFE AND SPIRIT ITSELF,
MY WORK, MY WRITING, MY THINKING."...BS

"IT'S A WAY OF FEELING
AND OF EXPERIENCING
A WAY OF USING SIGHT
AND DOUBLE SIGHT,
A METHOD OF KNOWLEDGE."....?

"I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO DISRESPECT ME,
INSULT ME,  USE THEIR UN-PREDICTABLE MOODS
AND TONGUE TO ABUSE ME.
I HAVE DECIDED TO BE AWAY FROM THEM
BECAUSE I CAN'T BE IN THAT AWFUL ATMOSPHERE
WHICH HAS BEEN AND STILL IS EXTREMELY NEGATIVE
FOR ME AND WHICH DISGRACES ME IN MY OWN EYES.".........BS

"DON'T COMBAT YOUR DESIRES AND INSTINCTS
BUT GIVE THEM FREE RUN.".....?

"POET". EXCEPTIONAL SENSITIVITY
               UNIQUE PRIVILEGE OF UNDERSTANDING
               TRUE OBJECTIVITY."

" A GENUINE ARTIST DOES NOT EXPRESS
A PARTICULAR AND INDIVIDUAL EMOTION
BUT PENETRATES TO THE DEEP ROOTS OF HUMAN NATURE."...?

"EVERY DAY'S NEW DEVELOPMENTS SHOCKS.
UNPREDICTIBILTY...
THINGS ONE THOUGHT WILL NEVER HAPPEN
KEEPS HAPPENING

WHO KNOWS WHAT CAN HAPPEN NEXT?
IT'S TOTALLY SCARY...
UNEXPECTED NEW THINGS CAN HAPPEN...
UNEXPECTED BAD THINGS CAN HAPPEN
UNEXPECTED GOOD THINGS CAN HAPPEN TOO....
BUT RIGHT NOW ONLY BAD AND BAD AND BAD
UNIMAGINABLY BAD AND AWFUL THINGS ARE HAPPENING,
IT'S CORONA TIME...IT'S COVID -19 TIME
IT'S A VERY SAD TIME...BS :  ( Not part of the old notebook)  APRIL 2020

"DON'T START THE SAME OLD BAD HABBITS
DON'T SHOW UP
AND WHY SHOULD YOU?
DO THEY SHOW UP?
LIKE YOU DO
DON'T
DON'T GO THERE
LET THEM COME TO YOU...
AND IF THEY DON'T
F**K THEM."...BS

"I SAW THAT YOU CALLED
I HAVE BEEN THINKING OF YOU
I THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY
THIS MORNING I WOKE UP
AND I THOUGHT OF YOU...
AND I SAID TO MY SELF
"I SHOULD CALL"
AND I SAW THAT YOU CALLED...
YOU CALLED BY MISTAKE...
BUT I MISS YOU...
I ASK FOR YOU...
HOPE YOU ARE WELL
CALL ME IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE OR SO....
SEE YOU SOON......BS.....(To a friend who died of Corona Virus)  april 2020

"THAT WAS AN UNEXPECTED MESSAGE
YOUR CALL...
EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS UN-EXPECTED
IT IS AMAZING HOW UNEXPECTED EVERYTHING IS...
IT IS SCARY
BUT I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU CALLED
PLEASE CALL AGAIN
I WILL WAIT
CALL ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT
I AM AWAKE MOST OF THE NIGHT
INFACT, I AM AWAKE ALL NIGHT
CALL ANY TIME WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE...
I WILL WAIT FOR YOUR CALL
IT WILL BE SO NICE TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN
ONE MORE TIME I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE
YOU HAVE A GREAT VOICE
DEEP AND AFFECTIONATE
A MUSICAL VOICE
A LOVELY VOICE
A RESONANT VOICE
I WILL WAIT FOR YOUR CALL TONIGHT
EVERY NIGHT, I WILL WAIT FOR YOUR CALL
BUT PLEASE CALL TONIGHT
I WON'T SLEEP TILL YOU CALL"......BS:  (To a friend after she died of corona virus in March 2020)

A PIECE OF ART
----------------------

A: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
B: HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW?
     I HAVE HEARD THAT THEY CALL IT ART
A: ART?
B:  YES, ART
A:  ART?  MY ASS...
B: YOUR ASS IS A PIECE OF ART TOO.".....BS

"DIPS
PEAKS
INERUPTIONS
ALL HAVE VALUE
BECAUSE THEY EXPRESS THE UNKNOWN
IT'S THE QUEST OF THE UNKNOWN
PRECIOUS CHARACTERS OF REVELATIONS.".....?

"I HAD A BAD DAY
OK, TO BE FAIR TO THE DAY
I HAD A FEW BAD HOURS
FROM 4PM TILL 6PM
AND THEN FROM 6PM
TILL 8PM
AND THEN FROM 8PM TILL 10PM
AND THEN FROM 10PM TILL 12PM
AND THEN FROM 12AM TILL 2AM
AND THEN FROM 2AM TILL 4AM
AND THEN FROM 4AM TILL 6AM....
NOW I HAVE TO LET IT GO.
I CAN'T DWELL ON IT
I HAVE TO LET IT GO
I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BEAR INJURY
I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BEAR INSULT
FROM THE BAD DAY
FROM A BAD NIGHT
FROM A BAD FRIEND
I HAVE TO LET IT GO.".....BS

"THE MOST FORCEFUL IMAGES
ARE ALSO THE MOST ARBITARY,
THE MOST CONTRADICTORY,
AND THE MOST DIFFICULT TO EXPRESS.".........?

"SHE IS GROSS
SHE LOOKS LIKE CHICKEN DUMPLING."

"TWO UGLY LOOKING MEN
TALKING ABOUT SOME WOMEN IN A CAFE
AND TALKING RATHER LOUDLY"

"SHE IS REALLY ANNOYING
SHE IS UGLY AND ANNOYING"

TWO MEN ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT SOME WOMEN
IN A CAFE AND THEY ARE RATHER LOUD"

"OH! THOSE WOMEN ARE UGLY
NOTHING HAS CHANGED
THEY ARE STILL UGLY."

THESE TWO MEN ARE RATHER UGLY THEMSELVES
THEY ARE LOUD AND HAVE HORRIBLE VOICES AND UNPLEASANT
LAUGHTER."  ........(Overheard conversations in  cafe). ...BS

"A: I AM A POET.  I HAVE ACUTE SENSITIVITY.
B:   I HAVE IT TOO.  SENSITIVITY,  I MEAN
A: I HAVE MUCH MORE SENSITIVITY THAN YOU HAVE.
      YOU HAVE IT TOO AS A HUMAN BEING
     BUT YOU ARE NOT AN ARTIST/WRITER/POET
     YOUR SENSITIVITY IS NOT REAL.
      YOUR SENSITIVITY IS A CONVENIENCE....
      MY SENSITIVITY IS OF SUFFERING...
     SUFFERING FOR OTHERS...
MY SENSITIVITY IS A POET'S SENSITIVITY.
YOUR'S IS A CACULATION."......BS

"HE MEANS WELL
BUT DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO EXPRESS IT."

"SHE IS MENTALLY DISTURBED
NO MATTER HOW SUCCESSFUL SHE IS
SHE HAS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS BIG TIME
SHE HAS BLOCKED HIS EXPRESSION."....?

"SMASHED SOMETHING WHICH YOU DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO SMASH."...?

"THE MIND IS EXCITED BY THIS CONFUSION
AND FINDS IN IT A GREAT WEALTH."   ?

"IN YOUR OWN CONFUSION, THERE IS GREAT WEALTH AND INVENTION."...?

"IMAGES ARE THE SYMBOLS OF REPRESSED DESIRES."

"SURREAL REVEALS ORIGINAL NATURE OF MAN."...?

"THE ARTIST IS CLAIRVOYANT."..?

"ART AND PSYCHOANALYSIS INTERESTS THE SURREALIST."...?

"A PITIABLE LAMB IN TIGER'S UNIFORM...ALL THAT SHOUTING IS HOLLOW."...?

"EVERY DAY PRE-OCCUPATIONS FREES-UNCONSCIOUS ACTIVITY."...?