THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS
There was a car
A white small car
Looked like an old model of an old car
Which brand?
Couldn't tell

There were quiet a few people there
I think they were all owners of the car
They all left
Gave me the keys
Or maybe didn't give me the keys
Just told me to be responsible for it
I am not sure about the keys
Or them telling me anything about it

All of a sudden the car start to move
Move in all directions
Going this way
And that way
As if some one was inside the car trying to control it
But couldn't tell...

I wasn't inside the car
I was outside
Outside of it
I am like an outsider
Always an outsider
Outside of things
Outside of groups
Outside of group activities
Outside of inside

I was trying to control the car
My intension was to stop it
Stop it from moving
There were lots of things in its way
Lots of cardboards
Lots of buildings
Small buildings which looked like cardboard huts in Nepal
And seemed like if I didn't do something soon
They will all look like the torn down buildings of Nepal
I had an oncoming earthquake in my hands and I couldn't control it
Couldn't stop it from happening

Why did they make me in charge of their car?
I don't drive
But In the dream I thought I knew how to drive
I ean drive I thought. I used to drive in an other country

Which country?

I don't remember....

Long time ago
I used to do many things long time ago

I used to be happy
I used to be with people
I used to laugh
I used to be excited
I used to not worry so much about money
Actually I never worried about money
Not that I had a bundle of it at any time
But just the worry about money wasn't there

The word, "MONEY" WASN'T PART OF MY DAILY LANGUAGE
Actually it wasn't part of my conscious or sub conscious
I wonder maybe thats why I never had it
Its like what John Galsworthy said, 'If you don't think about the future you won't have a future."
So I never thought about money and thus I never had it
But now I am constantly thinking of money and I still don't have it
But the thought of money is very disturbing
You don't have it
You don't know how to have it
How to get it
But you think and worry about it all day long
All night long
So it turns into a nightmare

A nightmare during the day time and a nightmare during the night time
Its awful
Its absolutely awful …
Torture...

Not fun
Not fun at all
If you have no capability to earn money just forget thinking about it
This constant bullshit that ,"They, have it and I don't."
"Oh! money! money! money…………..
I hate it.

Maybe all my awful dreams are about that
Appearing in the subconscious in the form of metaphors
Lack of money
Or actually the, "Worry" about the lack of money
Appearing in the forms of daggers and knives and burnt food and trains leaving
Without me or me not getting to the examination hall on time
Or me being naked and can't find any clothes to wear and have to get to some place important.

I just realized that the word, "IMPORTANT."   THAT WORD, IMPORTANT HAVE BEEN

 EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE, WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE IMPORTANCE OF

 THE WORD,  IS?

Every one had been extremely important to me
Relatives
People
Strangers
Exams
Grades
Rewards
Awards
Feelings
Other people's feelings
Other people's life
Other people's professions
Other people's awards, their grants, their travels, their successes
Only thing which hasn't been important was other people's, "Failures."
As if they never failed ever
As if I am the only one who failed
Failed in every way
But every one else succeeded
Every one else was always thinner than me
Taller than me
Had more success
No matter what the word, "Success" meant to me then and now
I have also never understood the word, "Success" either
Then or now
This word remains very vague to me

All this mumbo jumbo has gotten deep under the layers of my tired brain from thinking about nonsense
and nonsensical issues which don't concern me directly but still concern me somehow
Things such as people on their cell phones all the time
I mean all the time…..
ON THE SUBWAY
ON THE STREETS
INSIDE THE CAFES
INSIDE A THEATER
INSIDE A MOVIE HOUSE
INFRONT OF THEIR EYES WHEN THEY ARE TALKING TO YOU

 Why should it concern me?
Why can't I look the other way?
I should
I can
But which other way should I look at?
They are all over the place
Their eyes glued to the screen
But its not my life
Why should it bother me?
But it does
It does bother me
Maybe ,"Bother " is too strong a word
I should say I notice it
I notice them on the cell phone all day long
I shouldn't
But I do
I should close my eyes
But then I will bump into the car
The car coming on to everything
The car which is going to damage everything in its site very soon
The car I can't control
The car I can't stop
I can't find the brakes
I can't put my foot on the brakes of the car
Because I am not inside the car
It seems like the car is being controlled by remote control
Like all these humans on the cell phone
And my brain being controlled by them

Maybe I am not in control of my life in any which way like that little shitty car of my dream
Maybe I can't find the brakes to stop and then go in the right direction
Maybe my dreams are all about that
My lack of control of me, my life, my desires, my hope, my money, my loves, my lack of
friends……

And why this word, "Friends" occupies your conversations?
'Why the word, "Friends" is so crucial to you?
Because its a good word
Because its good to have friends
Because you can discuss things with them
Important things
The events
The important events happening in the lousy world we live in
Events such as burning of buildings
Beheadings
Wars
Religions
Boyfriends
Dreams
Failures
Lack of money
Dreams going no where
Walks
Food
Coffee
One can share everything with a friend
But not with just a so called friend
But with a true friend
Or true friends
But where are they?
You live in New york honey
New york is about money
Not friendship
Time is money and friends waste time giggling and laughing and talking
"Oh! I was with a friend for half an hour and I lost five thousand dollars."
"What? your friend stolel your money?"
"No, Since I wasted time with a friend I couldn't make money during that time so I lost it

'Thats why I never see any friends because I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY DURING THE TIME I HAVE."

Since I don't make any money, I just think of friends,
But there are no friends
You are in New York City.
I mean people say that they are your friends but they are not really
As far as I am concerned no one has any friends here.

But I am a very negative person and since I don't have friends I want to believe that no one else does either...

But I hear people in cafes
They are with friends
But they don't seem sincere with each other
They seem like using each other
For some kind of contact, some kind of benefit, some kind of upper hand for themselves

Its like, I am usually alone
Isolated
Solitary
But I get some theater tickets some time
And people know that
They never call me to be with me
but call asking, are you going to see a play sometime soon?"

I like an idiot used to say, "Oh! sure, Tomorrow, I have an extra ticket, you want to come?"

'Oh! I would love to come."

'Ok, come then.  My treat,"

You can't imagine how many times I have treated those disappearing friends to the theater and coffees
And taken them to brand new fabulous cafes and introduced them to the managers and actors and stars
and influential people.

Next  week you see them with those people and don't say hello to you.
They are with the person you introduced them  to and they behave they have never known you ever.

Its the things they need to use you for….
You are only good for that….
They are not your friends
They just want to get whatever they can get from you and then disappear.

I am not bitter
Maybe I am
And don't know about my bitterness till it appears in my dreams
Thank god for the dreams
At least the bitterness, disappointments, failures, sorrows, loneliness of existence
has an expression.

Its good to air these things so they won't suffocate you
They suffocate you at night but fade away during the day
During the day you prepare, you rehearse the material for your next dream
So thats how it goes
I know, I think I know that everything you encounter in your life,  encounter every day is part of your dreams…I know that much.  I am smart.  I think I am.  I went to college.  I went to universities.
Don't universities make you smart?

May be I went to the wrong universities.
I should have gone to NYU, BUSINESS SCHOOL AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY WALLET AND MY BANK  ACCOUNT WOULD HAVE BEEN FULL OF MONEY…
AND MY AWFUL DREAMS WOULD HAVE ENDED LONG TIME AGO…………..

But then the dream changed
Have you ever noticed that when you turn on your side, the other side, when you turn from
side to side in your sleep the dream you were dreaming ends and in a little while if you are lucky or unlucky another awful dream begins,  especially in my case….
In my dreams I feel like I live in London, London of Charles Dickens times and I am that poor boy
of Dickens novels in the docks looking at the ships going by wondering who is in them and who owns them and feeling hungry all the time and looking muddy and dirty with sore skin and dry mouth...

I have never in my dreams have ever eaten at Balthazar though I eat there in my real life.
Can you believe that I went to Balthazar every day for a whole year and some more?
Yes, I did and wrote  something called, 'BALTHAZAR DAYS."  Now don't you steal my title…

I have known some snakes in my life.

They stole my Ideas, my words, my time, my affection, my fondness for life, my sharing of secrets of beautiful places, my enthusiasm, my laughter.

They stole all from me.

It reminds me of some words of James Joyce in the movie, 'DEAD'  While a poet recites a poem which was something like this…..Don't remember exactly,  I have to see the movie again.

Its one of the very best movie I have ever seen and I have seen it so many times and I cry again and again at some scenes such as when Angelica Housten is wearing that beautiful white scarf over her head, standing in the staircase and listening to a song some one started to sing, the song which reminds her of a young man she used to be very fond of, Michael Fury was his name and he died when he was
17 and he used to sing that song.

And, in another scene when a poet recites words such as,
You stole the sun from me."
"You stole the moon from me."
'You stole me from me."
Perhaps the last sentence is mine and there was much more in that poem and it always made me cry….

And the people I thought were my friends, they stole every thing from me.
I took them seriously……………..
Now I don't see any one…………..
Now I go and buy books, classical books, hard covers with big prints….
I cried so much in my life that I can't read the small print any more……………

Then my dream changed when I turned on the other side
All of a sudden I am giving a recital
I am supposed to be a poet in my dream
A poet from India
I remember that I was from India in my dream
In my real life I am not from India
I love India
But I am not from India
But before the recital of my poem I am telling the audience about the things I love about India…

The spice, the mangoes,  the smell,  the curry,  the colors,  the sun,  the rain

The monuments, the brutality of British in India, the way they lived there, the lavishness of all,

The Indian servant boys polishing their shoe while they are wearing them and standing tall and erect like a sahib and the beautiful young boys, indian of course bending their tiny backs, bowing down on the ground and polishing their already very shining boots with which they were crushing them every day dressed in beautiful beige linen suits tailored for them by Indian servant tailors……
the partition, the massacre, the independence………..

I was telling the audience THAT IN MY CHILDHOOD IN INDIA I ALWAYS THOUGHT ABOUT FLOWERS AND SAFFRON AND CUMIN AND CLOVES AND BANARSI SARI AND FLOWING SILK AND PURE COTTN,  WHITE AS THE WHITE DOVE.

 AND ROADS COVERED WITH JASMINE ON BOTH SIDES AND MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND MY NEIGHBORS AND THE TANDOOR WALLAH AND
MY PLAYMATES, MY FRIENDS BUT HERE…………….

I WAS TELLING THE AUDIENCE, "HERE I AM ALWAYS THINKING OF MONEY.
MONEY WHICH I DON'T HAVE AND THE MONEY PERHAPS I DON'T NEED BECAUSE MY NEEDS ARE NOT OF GREED BUT SOMEHOW I AM ALWAYS THING OF MONEY.
I FEEL CURSED."  

ACTUALLY I SHOULD THINK OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS BUT ALAS!THAT MAKES ME THINK THAT I WILL BE DOUBLY CURSED...

Then I turn to the other side and I am awake.
The dream has ended.