Thursday, April 30, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THERE WAS A FLOOD
EVERYTHING WAS DROWNINGGgOATS AND BOATS ALL FLIPPING INSIDE OUT INTO THE WATER
PEOPLE WITH BUNDLES OF CLOTHES IN THEIR HANDS TRYING TO ESCAPE SOMETHING

Something they were running away from
And running into another source of horror, the water
But what were they running from?
That wasn't clear
There was fog and haze
Lots of smoke
Or maybe it was the color of clouds
There were fiery streaks in the water and up above in the sky
It seemed like a Turner painting
But the atmosphere wasn't that colorful and romantic
It was of chaos

Many children screaming
Running from somewhere and jumping into the water to escape the terror
But they were all instantly drowning
Parents screaming
Women beating on their breasts
Was it a Muslim country?
I have no Idea
But thats where the women beat up their breast at the time of grief and sorrow and death
And there had been plenty of that in Muslim lands
But this didn't seem like a Muslim village
But certainly looked like the 3rd world
Though many streets in the first world look like the 3rd world now
Maybe I was dreaming of the riots of Baltimore
Things burning
Buildings burning
Cars burning
Women beating their black sons not to protest and just go home
Go home and lock themselves up so they can stay alive

Every one wants to stay alive
Any one who is born wants to stay alive
Under all circumstances
Within the bounds of poverty
Disease
Hunger
Discrimination
Injustice
Killings
Revenge
Horror
Sorrow
Pain
Still every one wants to stay alive
I wonder what for/
To stay alive I guess till we die……………………

Then the rescue people started to come
They were wearing protective gear
Like goggles and heavy boots and all that
The rescuers seemed more threatening than the storm
But they were sincere though overloaded with equipment
heavy load to carry to save the drowning humanity
I was standing at the edge of water
Actually not the real edge but a bit away from the edge
I had the sense to be safe
"Don't go near any edges."
I tell every one I care for
'The edges of things are dangerous."
'I see many people at the edge of themselves."
'You are edgy today."
A dangerous sentence to say to any one because even if they are not edgy they will become edgy,"Yeah,
bitch, I am edgy, so what do you want?  You want me to smash your head into that pole?"

So you just made some one really edgy and being on edge is no good.
So stay away from the edge of the platform …You might be inclined to jump or some one else might have the inclination to push you to your death.
Stay away from the edges and edgy people.
The people in heavy rescue gears seemed quiet edgy.
Wouldn't you be if you were carrying 100 load on your body?
The luggage its called
But we only carry it when we travel
But I guess the rescue people are also traveling all the time
From one disaster zone to another

Fires
Looting's
Protests
Killings
Constructions
Road blocks
Crime scene
shootings
Crows
Pushing and pulling and stabbing and stumbling and crushing…..
And we still want to live………….
Why not?
We were born
So we want to live
We weren't born to just die
We were born to live
Thats why we have doctors
Doctors who can keep us alive from the illnesses they are unable to diagnose
Or un-willing to diagnose
Because if they found out the cause right away on your first visit then n one will make
money doing MRI AND THE OTHER TESTING SUCH AS COLONOSCOPY …..
I hate that word, Colonoscopy…..
The liquid one has to drink before that………..
Please…..I have never gone for it though the whole world tells me to go and get it done…….
In this first world where I live now and have been living for so long the only concern
my so called ,"Friends" show is to push me to go for tests, this test, that test, go get your breasts checked, your Ovaries tested, your liver tested, go get an mri for the whole body………
I refused to do any of those because I guess I am too scared to know but that they say is stupid because if you early enough you can cure it…..can we cure anything?
I guess we can…………but some of us are building up the diseases so the death will be easier…
What a laugh
Death is the most difficult thing to achieve.
Death is not easy and who said otherwise………….

As you can tell that its very clear by now that my dreams are occupied by horror of some kind which can be certainly horror of death.  Then during the day I talk about the dream of death I had the other night so I guess my days and nights are pre-occupied by death.
I just wish my name was Beckett.
Then I will write about it all and people will call it an, "Existential masterful play."
But in my case it can be called, "Morbid."  "Fatalistic."  "Depressing."
I am not a fun personality any more
Its because of my dreams
Lets blame it on the dreams and why not?
Every one blames everything on something else or some body else….
'Oh! we did this because they did that."
Thats it.  Thats how we justify doing evil things
Every one wants to be evil.
I am so tired of evil images when I sleep
My sleep therapist told me to meditate before I sleep
Think of roses and Tulips
And white starched ironed sheets…
And healthy soothing organic juices and hot coco before going to bed
I do that.  I diligently think of coco which becomes hot lava and roses which become thorns and meditation becomes border killings by rival tribes to take over others land……….
Nothing really works
I have to give up
I have to stop dreaming
I have to stop sleeping
I have to think of that song
The song Doris Day sang in some movie
"Whatever will be will be…The future is not our to see."
My future is my dream cum nightmares, I guess I can see my future every night…..

Then the dream changes to calm waters
The strom is almost gone
Is actually completely gone
The trees are not shaking with fear and are calm and in control
The water is blue and smooth
The moon is shining and is cool and blue, blue like the color of nile
Everything is so peaceful
I move towards the edge of the water.
I AM NOT AFARID OF THE EDGE ANY MORE
BECAUSE ITS SO SAFE LOOKING AND BEAUTIFUL
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.
THE ONLY THING WHICH IS MISSING IS ALL THOSE PEOPLE
ALL THE CHILDREN, ALL THE WOMEN, ALL THE MEN, ALL THE HORRIBLE CRIES OF HORROR, ALL THE RESCUE WORKERS GONE…GONE SOME WHER…SOME WHERE…
WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?  WHERE ARE THE WOMEN WHO WERE BEATING UP THEIR BREASTS AND HOLDING THEIR CHILDREN BACK FROM DROWNING?
THERE WERE HUGE CROWDS AND NOW I AM THE ONLY ONE STANDING ON THE EDGE OF THE CALM AND COOL WATERS…….WHERE IS EVERY ONE?

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I AM CARRYING AN AWFUL AMOUNT OF LUGGAGE
( I guess thats what I have been doing in my real life as well, carrying an awful amount of luggage)
A very heavy suitcase, another small suitcase, then another suitcase, (I guess its my sister's suitcase )
Then on top of all that I am carrying some clothes.
One dark green blanket, a light one but blanket nevertheless, its a dark green blanket with reddish green embroidery at the edges and some other stuff, a jumper or two……Imagine that, the heaviness of it all.

A very transparent dream with a clear message that I have been and still am carrying a huge luggage on my shoulders and the luggage is about the family.
One can call it love perhaps but that love has occupied my whole existence.  But love can't be so heavy.  Isn't love supposed to be light and airy?  Don't you have the feeling of floating upwards towards the sky like the singing birds migrating to different lands in different seasons?

Why the love should drag you down?
I am so terrified of the luggage of my dreams that I carry nothing when I travel which I don't do much any more.  Every thing fatigues me mentally.  My mind is fried up with that fatigue.
That heaviness in the limbs, that heaviness in the heart, that sinking feeling of the dread on the other side…..The other side of the ocean, the heaviness of this side of the ocean, the tension, the worry, the un-known dread, the sense of being no where, the sense of no accomplishments, the sense of nothing, nothingness…..I guess Beckett said it better than me but for me sometimes, no that is a lie, most of the time I have the feeling, the sense of nothingness in my gut….

I look at the herds of humanity rushing by so very busy…
I hear people getting books published….
People getting awards…
People getting rewards…
Being made a big fuss of….
And I say to myself, "Doesn't matter, they are all going to die any way."

Why am I constantly thinking like that for some time now?
I wasn't like that
I know we are all going to die
But I never thought like that before
Even if they are all going to die according to me but they are still having a life
They are not thinking of death all day long, they are just getting awards and going to the party.
I was like that  a few years ago
At least I was going to the party if not getting awards.
I always thought I was the real award.  "ME"  Was my award.  I was my own reward.
I loved myself once
Did I?
I don't know now
You just put doubt in my mind about me loving myself
But I did
I loved my family and through that I loved myself
And then I started to be angry at them for hurting me….
I thought they hurt me, some of them, some of them died and the rest hurt me, hurt my feelings
So I stopped loving them as much as I did but then I stopped loving myself completely…
I guess I was taking revenge on myself for not loving them as much as I did in the past…
and thats when I started to Isolate myself from the rest…………
Now everything thing seems meaningless not only my life but every one else's life as well.

When the Tony awards were announced the other day, I said to myself,"Never mind, they are all going to die any way, award or no award."
I mean I have no right to think like that about other people's lives but I think it any way, who cares about who has the right to say or do or think anything anymore.  Thats why thinking process is one of the greatest secret God given to us.  We can quietly think of anything, we can hate people, wish them dead, hate their skin color, ridicule their height, their weight, their clothes, their style, their manners, their names, their religions, we can be full of hate in our thinking as long as we don't articulate it out loud as long as we remain quiet and silent we can think whatever we want.

Its awful, this kind of mind set but how do we know that other people don't have it.  Eery one hates every one else in this modern era of life style or no one hates or love any one because every one is so self involved and has no time for others.  Like I don't wish any ones death but this reality of death keeps staring at my face all day long so thats why when any one achieves any thing I say to my self quietly, "Doesn't matter they are all going to die anyway."  Perhaps its because there had been far too many deaths in my family.  My mind is so traumatized that it occupies me day and night.

I guess for that reasons the awful dreams should be a good idea because they only frighten me during the night but some kind of vague anxiety lives with me during the day lately…..
What is it?  I have no Idea but its there, very much there.  Some times there is not much difference between the dreams and the day light reality of this most difficult situation of feeling so desperately
alone with no hope and no friends and no community……………….

I was talking to a complete stranger the other day in a cafe, somehow he was sitting very close to me
and looked like a foreigner like me and started to talk….He was from Portugal but born here but
had the sensibility of an outsider.  He said that when we come here we start to seek community like we had in our own countries, (His parents  he was referring to )  And here there is no sense of community
because the only thing which matter here is ,'MONEY.' AND HE SAID HE HAS ALL THE INTENTIONS OF MAKING A HELL OF A LOT OF MONEY."
He told me that I was seeking the wrong things, like great ever lasting friendship with people, conversations, trust, a sense of belonging, a sense of achievement, according to him these were not bad things to want but they are not available here.  Whats available here is money and if you want it you can make a hell of a lot of money.  Look at the businesses run by Immigrants.  Look at all the Italian restaurants…. Pasta with tomato sauce $ 18
Past with clams: $ 25
Pasta with fungi :$ 28
Pasta with shrimp: $ 32
And how many millions come for espresso and cappuccino ?

Very few people here are just sitting with friends having heart to heart conversations….
"YOu are looking for the wrong things here." he said.  "Look for money, look for money, look for money."  He said, "And you will make money and your purpose of being here will be clear as clear can ever be."  And then he left.

I thought to myself, perhaps my anxiety is all about the lack of money but it comes out in my dreams of some other ominous shapes such as running around getting no where, running around and around towards death………….but death is not real death, its the lack of money in this rich, rich, rich country.
But what do I need money for?
I can't think of a single thing that I would need enormous money for.
Shopping?
I hate shopping now
Eating in fancy restaurants ?
I am so fat now and I have eaten enough in so called fancy places
the same generic food every where….
'Salmon, Is it wild ?"  I ask the waitress
" Let me ask the manager"  she says
"Its farm fish."  She says
She didn't have to run to the manager, she knows its not wild, its farm but it costs $38
I can go to Citerela, the fancy fish store and buy wild fish and pay less and cook it myself, a little garlic, lemon, olive oil and its ready.  Why do I have to eat farm fish in all the expansive places and pay as if I am paying through my nose which I am actually doing by just sitting there and feeling important.
Giving my money away and feeling important?
What kind of success is that.
The owner of the restaurant is the real Important person.
Buying another designer bag?
Really? Giving money to the designer who gave 5 cent an hour to some pathetic Chinese worker in China to slave away for the designer so the designer can put his or her name on the bag?
Forget it…..
To go dutch with a girl friend who is always on the cell phone?
To hell with it.
To spend $ 150 to see a lousy show on Broadway/
People paid $2500 to see Cate Blanchett….
Please……
And I met Tennessee Williams
Why do I need money?
No,  I don't need money
So what is the anxiety I go through in my dreams?
It must not be about money, it must be about something else
And I am trying to find what that something else is?

This dream of carrying so much luggage of my own as well as of my sister's is the clearest possible dream in such a long time.  The meaning of this recent dream is that I have been and still carrying a burden of love of family on my shoulders and have some incredible guilt of leaving them behind and still constantly needing them for something, for talking perhaps, for complaining about the cold weather and snow perhaps or to gossip about others perhaps, or for laughter perhaps or to talk about our childhood perhaps…..I don't know because there is no certainty in my thought, just too many perhaps…..perhaps….perhaps….

So in my dream I am over loaded with luggage and at some point I put it down near a stair case and Move away front here for a while, I don't remember if I went to get some coffee or went to the restroom but when I come back the luggage is all gone.  I am devastated, I look here and there every where
But its all gone….I begin to cry, cry out loud saying repeatedly, "Oh! my suitcase had my passport, oh! my passport, it had all my money, Oh! my money, I can't go anywhere without my passport, without money,I sob, I cry, I sob, oH1 my sister's beautiful hand made blanket is also gone with her luggage.  I have lost everything but if I can get my passport back and my money back at least I would be ok."
But the luggage is no where in sight……….DESPERATION AND HELPLESSNESS IS IMMENSE
People keep passing me by.  No one notices that I am sobbing.  No one stops to say, "Is there anything wrong?  Can I help."  No, no one.  No one stops.  They have wires in their ears and eyes on the phone and their legs take them forward in quick strides and they don't worry about if they crush someone's shoulder or poke some one's eye out or crush all the 27 little bones in some one's foot.
Perhaps its an airport or a railway station.  Perhaps I was going somewhere since I had so much luggage with me………………..
But now I can't….Now I can't go any where because I don't have my passport on me………
I must be traveling to a foreign country since I needed a passport.  I must be planning to go to a foreign country…..But why?  The word, " FOREIGN"  SEEMS SO "FOREIGN" TO ME RIGHT NOW.
WHY MUST ANY ONE GO TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND NEVER COME BACK?


Saturday, April 25, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was huge swimming pool
Maybe it wasn't a swimming pool
Maybe it was a lake
A manmade lake
Like they have done in Dubai

Dubai was just the dessert and they made it into lakes
Its the fake disney land of the rich
A fake city with pools, beaches and the tallest buildings in the world
From where the Philippine workers and Pakistani construction workers fall to their death
or get sunstrokes from such blazing sun and die anyway…….

In the dream that pool seemed like it was in Dubai
But I am not sure where it was
And there was a woman and a man
The woman was all covered in white
From head to toe
Thats why I thought, "Dubai."
Because the woman was covered up
But they usually cover up in black.
Men wear white
At least white is a brighter color if its a cold at all
Women clad in black in Dubai is like they are marching for their own funeral
At least women in black in NY do it for fashion.
Black is the fashion in New york so one can see tons of black coats rubbing against each other
in the crowded subways in the winter………..
But that black is forgiven….fashion is always forgiven like the crimes of rich people
'Strike that down from your statement council."
The judges usually declare silently defending the rich criminals

But the lady of my dream was in white and in a huge pool
On the other side of the pool was her man
It was like that long elegant table of the Royals where only two people, king and the queen sit on the opposite side of each other………….
Since they can't stand each other its a great arrangement.
The king is silently planning the ,Beheading." of the queen so its easy to be far away from her
in case the intimacy makes him change his mind.

In the dream I also want to get into the pool but the lady in white doesn't want me to
I wonder why?
Is it a public pool?
Or a private pool?
If its private then why am I there?
Thats the most interesting question
I ma not allowed anywhere but I am everywhere ….
Sidelines perhaps
Yes, for sure I am on the side lines
No entry for you miss."

Why am I there if I can't enter the pool/
I feel defiant and decide that I am going to jump in
But before I jump in I wake up……………
Gee I couldn't exert my will, my determination, my strength of choices even in a dream
My whole existence seems like a bad dream
Before I will myself to take a positive action it ends………………….

Thursday, April 23, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

All of a sudden the street corner where the shop was closed
'What happened?"
I asked a passerby
'They are gone."
'Gone where?"
'I don't know."
He said

'But how can it be?"
'What?"
He said
'How can it be?  The place was packed to the teeth
How can it be closed so suddenly?"
'They packed and left."
'Where did they go?"
'I have no Idea."
'But you worked for them?"
'I did"
'And?"
'And they left."
'And you don't know anything?"
"Nothing.  I know nothing."

'Amazing, they were friends."
'They were no body's friends"
'They were my friends."
"And you are asking me where did they go, you should know yourself."
'I am shocked, I saw them yesterday and they didn't mention a thing."
'You know that they were very secretive,"
"What for?"
"Spies maybe?"
"Come on, they have children"
"What does that mean?"
'Children, they have children."
'You think people with children can't be spies?"
"I don't know, I don't have spies as friends."
"THats when it works best when people think that they are nice people with children
but they are spies instead, so no one will suspect them."

"I don't like spies."
'You don't have to like them."
"I wonder what I have been telling them."
"What?  You have secrets?"
'No, not me.  But I wonder what kind of conversations I had with them over the years."
'Friendly conversations I hope."
'Me. too. You know when you have friends you talk to them about everything, family, money, sadness,
deceit, love, problems,secrets."
'Thats what they are after, secrets, I hope you didn't reveal your secrets to them>"
'I don't have any real secrets to reveal to them, My secrets were harmless."

And then all of a sudden I see her
'Oh! you left so suddenly, I just saw you a day before and you never told me, you hurt my feelings."
I said
And in my dreams I felt that that was my problem
I felt that any one could hurt my feelings so fast
Every one, every Tom, Dick and Harry could hurt my feelings so fast.

And that was my problem
All my life
People
'Yes, people was my problem."
'People
Nasty people
Good people
Evil people
Criminal people
People who were un-known to me could just hurt my feelings so fast so quickly

'What kind of a person are you?"
'What kind of a world are you living in?"
No one has any feelings in todays's world
Its safe to not have feelings because then you don't get hurt.

'All your life you have been carrying hurt on your shoulders
Hurt by people you don't even know
You don't even know that they exists….
Your dream is telling you your problem
So you can go ahead and quickly solve it.
'Your problem is that you have people of no consequence who live in your head
And you are so worried about them all the time and thats how your time is gone
"Its gone sweetheart, its gone."
You have lived your time as a dream, a vague evaporating dream, the moment you get up
Its gone……………."
"Wake up and stop asking for acceptance from people, first it was parents, then it was teachers, then it was lovers, then it was bosses, then it was critics, then it was nieces and nephews, then it was friends, then it was strangers, then it was anyone."

"i want acceptance from every one and any one.  For God's sake accept me, like me, and if you don't I will be devastated and cry bitter tears and waste my life over so insignificant a person or persons."
'Wake up and start to see what your dreams are telling you.

'Why would you be devastated if your so called, "Friends" packed and left without telling you?"
'They weren't your friends at all."
'No one is your friend."
'No one has any friends."
'Its a myth, this friendship business."
'Your work is your friend."
'Chase after your work."
'Consume your energy in your work."
'LOve your work."
'Be busy."
'I think you live in New York?"
'Don't you?"
'You do and you behave as if you are a bored house wife in Ohio with nothing to do
And chase after people from Cosmopolitan cities because they are so hip."

'Stop being pathetic.  I am so sick of you.  This dream is revealing something to me which wasn't clear to me before."
'Stop giving a shit about people who don't give a shit about you."
'Stop pleasing people at your expense."
Do what you want to do if it serves your purpose."

'Purpose?"
'Yes, purpose. do you have any?"
'Have what?"
"Any purpose?  Do you have any purpose, so you can serve it?"
'What is a purpose?"
'Unbelievable.  I am trying to help you."
'Why?"
'Because you have gone so far back in your life and its purpose that I feel its my obligation to bring you back to your dignity and pride."

'Pride.  I used to remember that word.  "
'Bring it back to the surface, this word, "PRIDE" from the back of your memory right up-front
And read it out loud all day long, "Pride."  'Proud."
"Say you are proud of your self and of your accomplishments."
'My accomplishments?"
'Yes, Your accomplishments."
'Do I have accomplishments?"
Of course but you are yet to be proud of them."
"What are my accomplishments?"
'You dream and then you write about them."
"THats an accomplishment?"
'What do you think?"
'I don't know what to think, these are just some silly, stupid dreams."
'These are not silly, stupid dreams.  If Freud was alive he would be writing books about it
Which the whole world would be reading and talk and discuss about them  and here you are calling them silly and stupid."

'The whole world is making some thing out of silly and stupid stuff and you  have never thought of doing something about it."
'What should I do about it?"
'Learn from it, something is telling you something about you, learn from you, learn from yourself and change, you are the master, you know your weaknesses, your weaknesses is your strength, learn from it.'

"DON'T GET HURT BY PEOPLE ABRUPTLY LEAVING WITHOUT TELLING YOU."  wHY SHOULD THEY TELL YOU?  YOU ARE JUST ONE OF THE MILLIONS THEY DEAL WITH
EVERYDAY."

"OH! i THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL."

"Now that is nice to hear."  "Special is a very special word.  And if you feel that you are special the battle is already won.  Special people have no time to dwell on anything or any body except themselves and their work.  Just dwell on your self…they are gone in your dream and in your reality …time its time, its time's passing which haunts you in your dreams…its time's passing which terrorize you in your dreams and in your real life, now grab whatever time is left and hold it like you hold a precious child."

"THank you, thank you so much for spending some time with me.  I am usually alone seeking some interesting company….but who are you."
'I am related to you."
'You are? how"
"I am your shadow, I am you.  I am always with you, behind you, in-front of you, beside you…
You are not alone.  I am always with you.  You don't need to seek company.  I am always around.  I have never left you, not for a second, never.  I have never left you.  I am with you.  I am you.
You have double love, double affection, twice the affection, twice the love than others
because others have no one with them, others have no relations left, others are always in a crowd because they are afraid of themselves but they don't show it, you are afraid of yourself but you show it,
You are ignorant of my presence ut I am with you in your solitude.  Thats why you can be alone with yourself un-like others because I am with you, always with you."

"YOu got frightened in your childhood perhaps.  I don't know why?  I wasn't there then.  I was not with you when you were a child.  You had your mother and your father and your brothers and sisters.
You didn't need me
So I went away fro a vacation.  But when I realized that you needed me I came back, left everything behind, my fortunes, my home, my jewels, my carpets, my gardens, my sweet smell of roses and came running to you to be with you to take care of you, to comfort you when you are sad, to advice you when you go astray, to feed you when you are hungry, to encourage you when you are down.
You are blessed by the Gods because I am with you.  DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK. GODS WILL BE ANGRY IF YOU DO THAT.  JUST BREATH AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE, WHATEVER WAS GRANTED FOR YOU IS YOURS WHATEVER WAS GRANTED FOR OTHERS IS THEIRS AND THATS THE ONLY WAY THE FORTUNES WERE DISTRIBUTED BY THE GODS.
yOUR FRIENDS PERHAPS ARE GONE WITHOUT SAYING GOOD BYE TO YOU BUT I WON'T DO THAT.  NO, I WON'T.  I WILL SAY GOOD BYE BEFORE I LEAVE YOU."
I AM MORE COURTEOUS THAN YOUR FRIENDS, MORE DIGNIFIED THAN YOUR FRIENDS.  I WILL SAY GOOD BYE BEFORE I LEAVE……………."

Then I woke up…………
It was hot
The heat was on
It was summer time
But the heat was on
I don't know why
i couldn't breath
I looked for you
My shadow
You weren't there
No you weren't
I became sad
Then I remember your words
'Don't be sad, I am always with you."
'But I couldn't see you."
'Where can you be?"
I wondered.
'You are my shadow"  You told me.
You will come at night.
I thought
Perhaps you got tired of me and took a coffee break
But you will come back
I want you to come back
Your words were soothing
I hope you will come back.
'At night will come the shadow."
"I will wait for the night………………………….

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were many men
Faces hidden
Wearing all white
Carrying some dangerous looking things
Not knives, not swords, something in between
It used to be called, KIRPAN in old days
I guess if I want to translate it, it would be like this,
A knife much longer than a knife
But thats not correct actually
Because Kirpan is long and curved like the moon
But the moon is such a nice, romantic, peaceful word
And Kirpan is a weapon to kill

So they were all carrying kirpans
There were so many men
No matter where we went few of them were there
Standing tall and ominous
There was no escape

We couldn't escape at all
They were pretty un-reasonable
'Why were we trapped?"
That wasn't clear

It seemed like there were two groups
Us and them
Two rivals
Two tribal rivals with lots of hate of centuries
They had come back for revenge
But it wasn't clear what we have done to them in the past
We were also not so many
Neither were we dressed as warriors with kirpans
We were in street clothes
Going on our own way

But what was the way?
Where were we going?
Who were we?
What have we done to these people who came back for revenge?
And why revenge?
Its such an old fashion word
Those dressed in white seemed old fashioned

Violence is old fashion
Or if its new its not done with kirpans
Its done with some other ominous instruments
Instruments one can't see
But instruments of violence exist
But they are pretty modern and fashionable

These men with kirpans seemed barbaric
What have I done to them that they are in my dream?
My dream belongs to me
So I would hope
These days it seemed like so many strange people, animals,dogs, elephants,
Aeroplanes, disasters have invaded my privacy, my sleep
My sleep has been occupied by invaders of all kinds
It seems like as if I am a, 'TRADE ROUTE."
AND ALL TRADERS WANT SPICE OR SILK OR MINERALS OR OPIUM
But i have none of that

I have some salt and pepper, paprika maybe, sounds more exotic
Not even salt, I DON'T TAKE SALT
NO MINERALS OF ANY KIND, NO OPIUM
I DON'T TAKE OPIUM EITHER
i AM A VERY BORING PERSON
Solitary, most of my days
No companions of any kind
No fun…………………..
Even when I see people they have nothing to say
Sometime they say this and that
Nothing of consequence
Most of the time when we meet just by chance
When we are waiting on the opposite side of the road for light to change
We exchange small talk which is actually about business ……..
"Oh! I can't talk, so busy."
"Oh! I can't talk, rushing to a meeting."

People you know in the city some of them, call themselves your friends, leave you very very fast
But that only happens in your daily life.Isn't it amazing that during the day or evening, you do want to hang out with some one but no one is around
They are all in a meeting
And at night time when one want to get a few hours of sleep, just a few hours of peaceful sleep
People, strangers, monsters come in herds and give you company and never leave but keep frightening company all night…

Maybe they hate you so much that they want you to have a heart attack because of the fright
That would be a good way to die actually
'Oh! he died last night."
'How?"
'In his sleep."
"Of what?"
"Of a heart attack."
The best way to go……………..

I used to try to analyze my dreams
But they were so complicatedly morbid that I stopped
Now I put it out to you
You and many of you are much smarter than me and are,"EXPERTS." of some kind
I know you are….
Thus city is the city of knowledge and finance and art and culture and analysis and of opinions
So I thought I will just put it out there what I experience at night and look forward to your
Varied Freudian deconstruction of all the elements of sub conscious and conscious and what happened to us in our childhood

I really don't know what happened in my childhood except that I was happy, very very happy or perhaps I THOUGHT THAT I WAS HAPPY.
But I know and believe that I was very happy as a child but it took place somewhere else
And this place, my days and my nights are taking place in an other place which seems alien
to me and the aliens come crowding my head at night but how come they don't talk to me during the day

Why do they always rushing me by as if I am an alien to them, as if they are scared of me, as if I am their bad dream, they are dreaming while crossing the street………………..
I wonder what kind of childhood they had?
Some people say that they were raped by their father or uncle or even grand father
Some people say that their father killed their mother and then killed many of his neighbors and then killed himself
Some people say that they left when they were twelve and never saw their parents again
Some people say that they killed their parents before they left and have never been caught
and are now C. E. O of the big banks…….

But I never had any of those things
'Trauma'  I would call it.
We didn't kill any one
We didn't get raped
We didn't steal other people's property
We didn't shoot the neighbors………….
We only went to school and studied
And studied hard.

In those education mattered
Educations was as popular as guns today.Now guns matter
Every one shooting every one else
I guess its good
They are taking care of all the guns and knives and killing each other during the day light
So they can sleep peacefully at night

Maybe I should do that
Kill a few people or animals during the day to keep my mind busy
And relax at night and sleep
I guess there is a saying, 'When a good days work is done well, one can sleep well."
I should get busy
Getting old and getting very tired of the nightmares
They are constant and persistent
'Persistence is all."
'Perseverance is all."
Such nice words…
'Constant."
'Persistent."
'Perseverance."


Tuesday, April 21, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND NOW IT WAS MY FATHER
I KNOW IT WAS
I REMEMBER THIS DREAM VERY CLEARLY
MY FATHER IS DECEASED…….

But he was there
He was sleeping
The children were playing
They were shouting and making a lot of noise
Those children were playing on the floor

If he was alive
They would be his great grand children
His daughter's daughter's children
So that does make them his great grand children, right?
I think so

So his great grand children were shouting so much
That he woke up
And he was upset
He was upset because he had to go to work early in the morning
Thats what he said when he woke up
I knew in the dream that he was dead
But he woke up and told them to stop shouting
In my dream I wished that it was for real
In my dream I wished that he really woke up and he wasn't deceased

And I woke up
I was sweating
In an ugly white t shirt
I can never sleep in any thing fancier than an ugly white t shirt MADE IN iNDIA
BECAUSE IT SAYS ITS 100% COTTON
But its a lie
Anything sold here from India is not 100% cotton
Only in India one can get the best 100% cotton

But since everything else i.e. nylon, lycra, teflon etc
It ices me
All the fancy, sexy night clothes itches me
I scratch all night
So I wear these ugly, unsexy, white make believe cotton t shirts at night
So my not so 100% cotton t shirt was soaking with sweat and I was so disappointed to realize that my father was actually dead……………

I couldn't sleep after that
I tossed and turned and thought of all my siblings, my parents, my childhood, my court yard,
My sun, my laughter and I cried…………

Then while I was really sobbing
I dozed off
And in my dream I saw my sister
My sister looked so beautiful
So very beautiful
And she was pregnant
In my dream she was pregnant

And I thought to myself in my dream
'Isn't she dead?"
And I woke up
And I realized that my sister like my father was also deceased
My beautiful sister like my father was also dead
In my real life I knew that they were both dead
In my dream also I knew that they were both dead
And I woke up

And I thought of all my siblings
My parents
My childhood
My childhood home
My courtyard
My sun
My laughter

And I cried
I sobbed and sobbed
I couldn't go back to sleep
I cried and cried and cried

And the phone rang
And some friend, an insensitive one asked me
"Whats the matter, its late, you are still in bed, still sleeping?"
And I said, "No, I wasn't sleeping, I was crying,"
And she said, "You are never sleeping, you are always crying."
And I got off the phone
And I cried…………

And I thought of my siblings
My parents
My childhood
My courtyard
My childhood home
My sun
My laughter
And my dreams…………………………..

Monday, April 20, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

we were dancing
Drinking and dancing
Every one was dressed up
Strange music was playing
I didn't recognize the music
It seemed like from the seventies

People were dressed like punk crazy
Hippie crazy
smoking pot maybe?
But dancing for sure
Every on in a good mood

It was the old days for sure
People used to be happy
Happier at least
They were not so busy with themselves
They were only busy in their homes or offices
When they came out of the houses they were ready to party
Meet some one, talk to some one, laugh with some one
People would go to bars and meet other people
And have sex after
Or maybe the second day
But usually the same day

Why not?
Its the first world
Everyone is free
At least to have sex
And pot
People would laugh more
Maybe they were always high
But what's wrong with that?
Laughter is good no matter how it comes
I used to laugh like crazy
You can only laugh when you are with people.
But now? In the 21st Century….
Is it 21st CENTURY STILL?
OR DID WE MISS IT ALTOGETHER?

Was it 21st Century in the dream?
I have no Idea….
I know we were dancing
And our clothes were from a different era
And we were dancing strange
I don't know how people dance these days
No one talk about what style of dancing is popular right now
Dance of 21 century………
What is it?
Is it rock/ punk rock? twist coming back?
Who knows
I don't know
I am not so hip any more

I just dream
And the dreams are strange
Awful dreams
Actually
Thats the title of the novel
'These awful dreams."
Is that a novel?
My god…
I thought that was some kind of un-ending dreary dream in search of the conscious and subconscious
well thats what the dreams are made of
Conscious and the subconscious

But some people have no conscious
Haven't you heard people saying about over people
'Oh! that person has no conscious."
Or, "A person of no conscious."
Does that person dream?
Can that person dream?
How can he?
Has no conscious
And the dreams are made of that stuff which gnaws at  you silently and constantly
Well I guess dreams are more complicated than any single cause attached to them
Dreams are us……
Thats what I was told
I have been told many things by people
People take liberties telling me about me
They know everything about me
Why I dream
Why I am unhappy
Whether I am un happy or not they tell me that I am un-happy and then they go away for their meeting
They are always late for their meeting but they have enough time to tell me that I am un-happy
The moment I run into people I find out that I am un-happy
They tell me that as if they are getting paid to do that

I don't see them any more
People I mean
I don't even want them in my dreams
But if they appear in my dreams i don't recognize them
Thats the beauty of dreams
And the moment you wake up every thing is gone
The dreams disappear fast
The memory fades fast
Unlike life
In which there is only memory
Nothing else
Just memory
People want it to go away
But it doesn't
It stays with you and haunts you for ever
Most of the memories haunt you because they are of the past
And the past was either pleasant or unpleasant
And keeps coming back
While you are awake
And keeps coming back while you are asleep
And I have a good memory till I sleep and then wake up
Then I don't remember what I encountered during the night
Then the daily memories are all standing tall and erect like army soldiers
To remind you of your wasteful days and nights and of your dead relatives
And the days gone by
And the seasons gone by
And the leaves which keep falling and keep falling and the barren trees
And then the soldiers dance gleefully at your demise while they point guns at you
And dance gleefully and laugh and drink and dance…………..

And just like those happy soldiers we were all dancing and giggling and laughing
With this beautiful music and gorgeous clothes'\
Very colorful
No black
No, there was no black color there to be found
And the booze was flowing
As if some one else was paying for it
You know how people get drunk when the booze is free
We were all so high…………..

And then suddenly there were really soldiers with guns rushing in…
'You are under arrest."
They were shouting and pointing guns at us and shouting and shouting
And smashing windows and wine glasses and beer bottles
'This is an illegal establishment "
They were shouting
'Booze is illegal here."
We might have been in some Islamic country
But No, It was for sure the first world's club
We were dressed like the first world
They arrested us all
All of us……………
Shoved us into lorries and burnt the place down

Can you imagine
They really burnt the place down
While we were in those lorries
We saw the smoke, huge clouds of smoke
And then a blast
Fire….
Immense fire…..

I hope every body was out of that place
I am sure some people were trapped in the basement
There was not enough time for them to get out
So much destruction
So much punishment for just dancing
DANCING AND HAVING A GOOD TIME
DANCING AND LOOKING GOOD AND HAVING A GOOD TIME
Dancing and laughing and having a good time

Well there is punishment for having a good time
Punishment comes later
Good times come first
Hopefully
But punishment always comes later
When you are least expecting it
It comes
And destroys everything
In a second
In a fraction of a second, the good times are over
Over for ever…………

I think then they drove us towards prison
Now we are in prison
In prison for dancing
Imagine that

No wonder no one dance any more
At least I never hear about it
No one ever says, "Oh! I went dancing last night and had such a great time."
Thats why people don't go dancing
People don't laugh any more
People don't talk to any one any more
People perhaps are afraid of being arrested if they looked happy.
Thats why no one looks happy these days
In the 21st century every one looks miserable.
Miserable……………..

If Victor Hugo was alive he would have written another epic novel
'LE' MISERABLE."
Oh1 Who is that?
Who? What?
Hugo?
Victor Hugo?
Oh! Please…………
You are not into literature….
I am into computer
I am a computer study major….
'Good for you miss, good for you."

No one is going to be arrested for looking at their smart phones
Only for dancing and drinking and being happy

And we are in prison for a few moments of happiness
'How long are we going to stay here?"
"For life." 'You are in here for life,"
'You have a lawyer?"
'What?"
'A lawyer?" "To defend you, to get you out."
"certainly not.  We have no lawyer.  Lawyers work for the crooks, for money embezzlers,
murderers, sex offenders, killers, rapists,war criminals…………we are bunch of no bodies,
some hippies dancing and getting high."

"THere is no escape for the likes of you.  In order to live in the 21st century you must commit a big crime and have a big time lawyer to get you off, thats how the law works, for small no bodies they rot in jail for life. now shut the fuck up and call for your bitch mother whore who gave birth to you."

"My mother wasn't a whore.  She wasn't from a free society.  She was too oppressed to be whore.
Whoredom comes from freedom and the freedom is only here in the first world."

'Yes, the freedom is here in the first world and you are in the prison belonging to the first world,
shut up otherwise we will give you electric shocks.  We have electric shocks available here.  You are in a lunatic asylum.  This is the place where we lock up all the people who laugh too much and all of you were laughing far too much when you were arrested and thats when you get the electric shocks.
You have some nerve to be criminals and have no lawyer to get you out.  Why the fuck were you born?"

Police man shut the gates, we are in different cells, not laughing, certainly not laughing
,We are now miserable.  We all look miserable just as miserable as the people walking in the streets , their miserable eyes glued to the smart phones….not laughing, never laughing, never looking up, never looking at another human being, just plain miserable
Now we all look exactly like the advanced, rich, progressive free people…..
'We are now exactly like the normal society, take us out in to the streets, we should be now free like all the free people…look at us, we look so miserable and miserably busy with our advanced technology,
Why are we still in prison?  We are not laughing any more/  We are not happy any more?  Why are we still in prison? We are perfectly miserable now.  We can be part of the normal miserable society….Why are we still in prison?

Sunday, April 19, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

She was shivering.
"Oh! you are so cold"
I said to her
'Don't get sick, its your first play."
'This basement is freezing."

"I know, I have been freezing to death here manny times,
many chest colds and coughing episode encountered me on the way to the,"ARTS"
Its always January and you rehearse here in this coldest possible basement.
 I was telling her….

'Who was she?"
It seems like I knew her
But didn't know her at all
But she seemed familiar
Maybe she was an actress or a playwright or both

She reminded me of a waitress who works in a neighborhood cafe who says she is a playwright
And why these dreams are always about some kind of performance art?
Am I a performance artist?
I don't know
I don't know the definition of performance art
Or maybe I wanted to be a performance artist
They say all dreams are about the unfulfilled desires
But I never had a desire to kill some one
But maybe I did
Or maybe I do now
But still the dreams seem about two things

Art
And terror
Yes, thats it
Terror of the soul through art
Or art as a source of terror
But actually the dreams should be about, "Art critics" and not just merely art
They are the ones who are the most frightening things
They have chosen their favorite people for certain reasons
And rotate them from theater to theater, from a venue to another venue
And give them awards and grants and residencies
And the rest of them, ones who call themselves, Artist" goes through, "Nightmares."

So I guess I must be one of the those who are not artists but call themselves, Artists."
But I am not an artist and I still dream of art and its un-told terrors
I need Freud  to figure this out for me.
In my awful dreams I encounter more knives and guns than art critics
But when I AM AWAKE I ENCOUNTER MORE ART CRITICS
AND I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH BOTH OF THEM IN MY REAL LIFE

I hate knives
I hate guns
I hate art critics
And I hate violence
And my dreams are full of all these things

Then the young shivering woman gets on the phone
Not the cell phone but the old, regular wonderfully powerful phone
Where you put a quarter and dial the number and some one talks to you
Like a regular person even from Con-Ed talks to you
Now the human voice is so sacredly silent
Only people's fingers are moving
Fingers are being over used
They are going to question the owner of their hands on the judgement day for abuse

Then all of a sudden we are in a sports stadium kind of place
Hundreds of people waiting
We are in the front row
This young woman and me
There is this great anticipation of the up coming event
There is great anticipation of some kind of danger attached to the event
As if its going to be a bullfight and lots of killing is going to happen
There will be lots of blood when that happens

I always see blood
Red, bright blood
Or at least the color of blood
Everywhere

'Some miserable person made a statement about me once
He said, "Ilike red color because red is the color of rage and I have so much rage in me."
He didn't say it to me
But he said it about me out loud while I was there in the room with many other people.

You see lots of people don't like me
I have tried to figure out
But I haven't been able to
Perhaps I am too knowing of another part of the world, the world
They always talk about that part of the world in a hateful manner
without having the slightest possible Idea of the culture, language, religion, customs
Or perhaps there is another reason for them not liking me
Maybe I read too much
Or talk too much
ut I don't talk any more
There is no one around to talk to any more
They are all so full of hate

Maybe my awful dreams are about all of them who hate me in my real life and come back to frighten me at night in my dreams
But they don't have to do that
They frighten me during the day, every day
They really do
I am afraid of people and their bitterly sarcastic remarks
I am most of the time alone by myself every day
Every day, day by day………

I only have crowds in my dreams
But hey seem strangers
But still ominous
Like the stadium people
It seems like they are going to erupt like a volcano suddenly
Or a blast of fire which will engulf the whole human race
And we will be no more

Most of us are no more any way when we are still living
But the fear of the elite class who pay a thousand dollar to come to the stadium to watch an important
event is palpable
How did I get that ticket?
The ticket which costs a thousand dollar?
I have no Idea
Maybe I wasn't a customer
I was just an observer like I always am in my dreams
I am mostly on the side lines observing
Watching, watching, watching quietly
No one seems to know me in any place
I remember some people
But no one seems to know me
I am an invisible observer in my dreams
I like that
I always wanted to be an unseen, invisible observer even in my life
So no no one will see me but I will see every one

I don't want anyone to see me
They give me looks
And when they say something o me its mostly offensive
They say offensive things with a smile as if every one is stupid
But one thing I am not
I am not stupid or I was not stupid.
Any one who crosses the ocean to come here is not stupid
Once you are here you become stupid, really stupid
You don't understand people even if you speak English
Actually thats when you don't understand people when you speak English
Its not your language
Its their language
How can one understand any one else's language?

In my dreams I encounter many people with many languages
I don't understand much because those are not my languages
But the dreams are loaded with foreign words and foreign people
and foreign symbols and metaphors
But I don't understand why I have to encounter metaphors in my dreams
While my whole life has become a huge metaphor?
There should be a difference between dreams and reality
otherwise how would we define things?
Define different things
Such as day and night
Here and there
You and me
Them
US
We
They
Rich
Poor
Fortunate
Un-fortunate
Living
Dead
Dream
Just a dream
A night mare
Reasoning while you are awake
Fright when you are asleep……………..

There should be a distinction between things
Happiness
And unhappiness
seems the same
Vague, unclear, obscure, fading, dimly lit, far away in the distance
Its like when you are dreaming you remember every detail and when you
wake up its all gone, all gone, evaporates in thin air…………
and soon you are awake but still no more……………………..



Friday, April 17, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

She is running to be president
I recognize her in the dream
She is Emma Thompson
The great actress of, 'Remains of the day." and many other films

I didn't know she was running for presidency."  I say to myself
"And what for?"
'She is such a great actress."
Remember her in ,'Howard" End?"
She got an oscar for that.
You should remember her
I knew even in my dreams that she was Emma Thompson

What surprised me was that she has the inklings to be a president and make false promises to the people
You know how many presidents in the world have made the same promises…
"We will do this for you, our people, our dear people."
"We will do that for you our people, our dear people."
"You will have health care, you will have welfare, you will have shelter,
you will have equal rights, you will have justice, you will have prosperity, just vote for me, just vote for me and not the other guy.  With the other guy you people, our people, our dear people will not have a single thing he is promising.  But with me the moment I become the president You my people, our people, our dear people will have everything instantly because I will make sure that you my people will have everything fast and faster."

And the other guy repeat the same fake and false promise worded exactly the same way.
I wonder if the same writer goes back and forth and write the same speech for both nominees?
Its a great way to make tons of money.  Write just one speech and make two copies and give it to the both parties.  It has to be this way because both candidates utter the same exact words.
And the one selected does nothing he promised and keep saying,"THings take time, things take time."
And then the eight years pass and then the new candidates go through the same speech written 100 years ago…..

So what the hell Emma Thompson is thinking.
First of all I can't comprehend that she will even consider to become part of the same fake destiny and
make fake promises to the human beings who are naive and ignorant and desperate for their lives to change but those lives will never change and then they will die.
I thought that she knew that because she is a humanist and she have been playing so many characters where people's lives never change no matter what, under no circumstances.  People have been put
under circumstances where the conditions of their fate will not change.  Its decided already.
Nothing will happen because they have been put in positions where nothing can and nothing will change their lives just like that butler Anthony Hopkins played in, Remains of the day."

He was a butler and thats how he will stay and his lord of the mansion was a lord and thats how he will stay.  And the English butler is obedient, subservient and totally repressed and in love with Emma Thompson's character who is a maid in that rich house hold and is totally in love with the butler but
nothing happens, their circumstances don't move an inch forward towards a rich, fulfill-filling lives.
It was very tragic and sad how the movie ended and it was a beautiful work of art, just the title,
'Remains of the day.'  is so nostalgic, so melancholy, so lost.

I always feel a shiver of pain, a tinge of pinch, a feel of something un-describable at the time of
the meeting of dawn and dusk……
When there is some light left and one knows that this remaining light will soon be engulfed by
the darkness of the un-ending, scary, nightmare ridden night…..
One want to grasp that ray of fading light and put it in your bed room so it won't be so dark when the night comes and frighten you…………….Dreams are all about the time passed and time to come……..
And the idea of both the past and the future is scary when one feels that one has lost most of life and the time assigned to one and haven't gained much and now the time is coming to go, go with that fading light at the end of a wasteful day with the same promise of,"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow."
To quote Shakespeare…who else can write ,LIKE THAT…."LIKE THOSE WORDS, "TOMORROW AND TOMORROW AND TOMORROW" AND HAVE SUCH DEPTH OF MEANING AND ETERNITY ATTACHED TO IT…..

SO WHAT I WAS EXPERIENCING IN THE DREAM WAS THAT WHY SUCH A GREAT ACTRESS IS NOW A CANDIDATE TO BE THE PRESIDENT?
DOES SHE WANT TO LIE/
WAS SHE A LIER?
WAS SHE A LIER WHEN SHE WAS PLAYING ALL THOSE GREAT CHARACTERS?

Then in the dream she had a huge nervous breakdown right on camera
A huge nervous breakdown.  She was crying hysterically.  She was out of control.
Perhaps she forgot that she was not in a movie.  She forgot that this was real and billions of people were watching her and the moment the cameras came in front of her, she had a break down
And I knew she was going to be disqualified.
They can't choose a president who seems to be out of control.  And Emma Thompson was so out of control.  I was so glad that she had that breakdown and she will not be a president and she will just be Emma Thompson, that wonderful and fabulous actress that she is and my dream seemed like it will end as a happy dream which is so un-usual but then they whisked her away and then later announced that she is fine and will continue her speech in a few minutes.

"Oh1 So she is still running to be a president."
'What a disaster this dream is like all my dreams…like all of them…every night, night after night….

Thursday, April 16, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

Any minutes he is going to stick that needle in her and in her and in her
There is like a class room here and lots of shadowy figures are sitting on little chairs
Are these adults?
Or children?
Thats not very clear

Lots of people lurking around in the corners of the room
Its a big dark room
Is it a class room?
There is a heavy set woman sitting in the middle of the room
She seems like the principal
So that must be the class room if there is a principal sitting there

We are not sure though
If its a class room why are there big men lurking around on the sides?
Its more like a place with secrets and eavesdroppers
Its like the queen sitting in the center and her councilors listening
without the queen knowing that they are listening
Like in the staging of the ,"Wolf Hall."  The drama about the Tudor kings
Where some one is always whispering and some one is always listening

But this room didn't seem like a palace
It was an ordinary, shabby, plain looking room
With not much in it
Some scattered chairs with the some ordinary people of no significance sitting
In the darkness with a little light coming through the window
And the noise outside
The noise of construction
Lots of construction going on
Banging and banging and building and building

Some body just stabbed somebody
I knew some of those men hiding
Or not hiding
Pretty visible to the onlooker
But not to the people sitting on those chairs
Or to the principal
If she was a principal at all

Some one got shot
No noise of the shooting
Just the blood
Blood spilling and spilling fast
All red stuff flowing over the chairs
Under the chairs
Maybe more than two people got shot
Maybe all of them got shot
There is so much blood on the floor

There is so much maybe…
In this dream
Seems like real life
At least my life
In my life there is only maybe
Maybe this?
Maybe that?
Yes, its my life folding in the dream
But its not my dream
I am just watching some one else's dream
I am always the observer of the dream
Thats a nice role to be in
"Observer."

I love some words
And, "Observer.' is one of them
Like the camera
Always observing
Never involved
Only observing
Un-attached to any thing
Any feelings
No emotional attachment
No suffering
Just watching
Just observing
Without any judgement
Without any opinions

"Oh! how nice."
'How nice a role to have."
"I want to just observe everything and every one"
"i don't want to participate."
"I am not so very good as a participant"
I want to be only an observer.
Like that news paper in London
'Observer."
I used to love that paper when I lived in London.
It would come out on weekends
It was pretty heavy
I WOULD BUY IT AND CARRY IT IN MY POCKETBOOK
ALL WEEK
AND THROUGHLY ENJOYED READING IT

Now the quality of paper is gone down
Just like their sister paper
The Guardian
The guardian has become a terrible paper
Headline is always about America
As if they have nothing to report about their own people
As if nothing is ever happening in their own country
No shootings, no fires, no rape, no kidnappings
Just the American news
Always
What's the point of paying for the foreign paper?
If the same news one can read in the NY POST

THATS WHY ONE PAY MORE MONEY
TO SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT
SOMETHING UN-FAMILIAR
MORE DRAMATIC

But now they are all the same
How many times one can read about something which one has already watched on tv last night?
And then read it in all the lousy American Daily News and the NYT etc etc
You want a different point of view
Different opinions
Different analysis

But no, Now the Guardian kiss ass
American ass
So does the Observer
Now they have the lousiest possible writers, racists and all writing for the London Guardian
Can you Imagine that?London Guardian and awful American writer writing and telling us her lousy
prejudiced, obvious white trash opinions….

London Observer used to cost $ 5 in those days
And those dollars I would love to spend so very happily
Now, you are going to pay may be $ 10 if you don't want to read on the lousy internet
and then read a review written about Shakespeare by that Illiterate, no good, mediocre
,(To say the least) so called writer?

Please what has happened to the world?
There is nothing exciting in it any more
People have become zombies
Coming at you as the army, straight at your chest with their
Eyes glued to their smart phones
'Hey, buddy, its my breast you are going to smash into, if you don't fucking watch
Where you are going."
"Its my tits you are going to be banging into with your chest."
Take your fucking eyes off your phone and see my tits so you can avoid them, you bastard."
"tits are very sensitive."
Men don't know that because they don't have tits
So they are always hurting us by squeezing them or smashing them in the streets.

News papers have become trash
Trash, trash, trash….
London papers have lost all their integrity
Like their leaders
All kiss ass people
I said that before
I will say it again
And why not?
Who is paying me?
Who is the editor?
Where is the publication who is going to publish my words?
I will write what I want
I will write the same word again and and again if I want


They say, "Don't use the same word twice in the same sentence."
The writing teachers say that
The ones who are teaching you
The ones who never went to college
The ones who have no degree
But they are teaching, "Writing."
How come?
Because they got some book published
And now they are published writers
And now they can teach in a college and university so they can take your
Money, you who went to college and went to university
but some how don't have a book published
By kissing some one's ass or by some fucking contact
Or by having sex with some one, "Important enough." to have your book published
And now you are teaching writing and telling us that we can't use the same word
Twice in the same sentence
Its, "Redundant."  They say
Yeah, right?
You are redundant, you are
Got your book published without having an ounce of a talent and without going to college
And without getting those fucking loans and without paying those loans back and now teaching,
"Writing."
"Go teach writing, I am not taking your class and I will use the same word twice,
Three times, four times, twenty times if I want and I will repeat myself a hundred times
If I want and I do, I repeat myself and I love it and you can go to hell for that matter
And call me not a writer at all as if I care about you or your opinions any more…..

'Who are you to tell me what to write and how to write?  What authority do you have over me?  Do you pay me for my writing?
Do you publish my writing?
Do you help me write?
Do you pay my bills?"
"NO." None of that, none of that
BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS OPEN YOUR BIG FUCKING MOUTH AND SAY OUT LOUD, "SHE IS NOT A GOOD WRITER.  SHE LOVES REPETITION.
'"SHE CAN'T WRITE.  SHE IS NOT A WRITER AT ALL."

"AND WHO ARE YOU?"
'WHO ARE YOU TO ME?"
OH1 YOU ARE A ISS TEACHER WITH NO EDUCATION."
"OH! I SEE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT CONNECTIONS."
"GO YO HELL."

I WILL WRITE WHAT i WANT.  i LOVE TO REPEAT MYSELF AND ALL OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE IT, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN GO?  "THERE IS SOMETHING
AVAILABLE AND ITS CALL,"HELL."  "HELL." "HELL.:

And where was I?
I lost trac
Thats what happens in a stream of conscious kind of rambling
Here is another word I like,
"RAMBLING."  RAMBLER.:
And who wrote some thing called, "RAMBLER.?"
You don't know?
Ha, ha, ha, ha
You are a miss writing teacher and you don't know who wrote, "RAMBLER."

Let the bad writer with repetitions tell you who wrote, "RAMBLER."
It was Dr, Samuel Johnson
"Who":
"I knew it."
'if you don't know who Samuel Johnson is and you teach writing
Do us a favor, commit suicide right on that campus who hired you.
"I so and so herby declare that I don't have a clue who Dr, Samuel Johnson was and I teach English
and writing in English so I for the sake of the  integrity of language commit suicide on such and such place on such and such day."

Now I really lost the dream and got into the bullshit of eery day life and ordinary people in it
who are getting ahead right and left without any knowledge of anything or without any talent
thats why I SLEEP SO MUCH AND WAIT FOR THE DREAMS TO COME BECAUSE SOME OF MY DREAMS SEEMS MORE PLEASANT THAN THE WORLD I LIVE IN.

But are they pleasant?
My dreams I mean
The dreams have blood in it and knives and axes and snakes
How pleasant is that?
But then when you wake up all the snakes disappear
And then you go out in the streets or a cafe or a theater
or a park or a restaurant
or read a news paper and it seems that the snakes
of the dreams were fake and these very snakes you are dealing with are so real
So which one is my dream and which one is my nightmare and which one is my reality?
Is my  reality nicer than my dream?
Or is my dream is nicer than my reality?

I am asking this question all my life
And I am still asking
Asking in the third world
And asking in the first world
And now the third world and the first world both seem the same
SO DOES THE DAY AND THE NIGHT
SO DOES THE DREAM AND REALITY…

So what happened in the dream?
Did the principal get shot also?
Did you service/
I survived in the dream
I was the camera
I just watched
I just observed.
When you keep your mouth shut and absorb all the insults quietly
than you can become Thomas Cromwell and achieve beyond all odds

'Who is Thomas Cromwell?"
"Oh! gee, the The un-educated, Ignorant English teacher without a degree
teaching English and writing at Columbia and Yale and Princeton again….

"Don't send your children to all those expansive schools and pay through your teeth
Just let them read, The English dictionary written by Dr, Samuel Johnson………….

"Who?  Samuel Johnson who?"
"Oh! please.  I am surrounded by so much ignorance, I can't go on, I can't go on, I can't go on"
'I want to sleep.

Then I was in the same room
There was no blood
No one was shot
Everything was very quiet
There was another person sitting near me
I could only see her back
But I knew who she was
I wanted to get her attention
So we could go to a cafe
And read something to her in the cafe
Some thing written long time ago by some one very clever
I wanted to get out of this class room
I think it was a class room
And we were all students
And I wanted to get out of the room with this other person
Who I seemed like
She must be my friend
But I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS IN MY REAL LIFE
SO THIS MUST BE A DREAM
BECAUSE I FELT THAT SHE WAS MY FRIEND
AND I ONLY WANTED TO READ TO A FRIEND
READ SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS SPECIAL

I wet to a book store
called, 'Strand."
I think that was the name
And I went to the section where they have old books, classics
And I found a beautiful book by an author I like
And I wanted to buy it
But It was expansive
And I didn't have any money
Neither a credit card
I think they do take American Express.
Yes, they do
The strand book store is in America and they do take American Express in America
Only in Europe in some places they don't take American Express
But I think the strand book store is here in America
I am not so sure though because in your dreams you are never so sure
So I found this book and I really wanted to buy it and I couldn't
So I put it back thinking that I will come back in a day or two and buy it
I was so excited.  I remember it was a small book
Not so small but not so huge either
It was a hard ever which I  like
And the cover was just plain blue
Deep blue
And it was $20
So I put it back and left
But I remembered exactly where the book shelf was and in which section of the shelf I PUT THE BOOK BACK IN….

So I went back in a day or two and went right to the section and to the same exact shelf
and I looked exactly where the book was before…..
But I couldn't find it…
"Maybe its sold."
I said to myself
I was so disappointed because I love that writer and I wanted to have that book and read it in a cafe
The cafe and the book, oh! what a nice dream……..
But the book wasn't there……….
"Its sold."
I hated my self
I never have money when I need it.
THe bottom line is that I never have money but I don't usually need it
You won't believe it but I don't need money
I am not obsessed by money
I am obsessed by other things
Things which I can't solve
Things which I CAN'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS FOR
Things which sadden me
Things of the past

But I am not obsessed by money
The word, "Money." doesn't seem like my favorite word.
The word, "Money"
Seems dirty
Its a dirty word
A dangerous word
People kill for money
People go to prison for money
People go to war for money

All these things frighten me
I don't need more frightening things
My dreams are enough
My day life is enough
Frightening I mean
When I want to be less frightened
 I IMAGINE  different words
Words such as, "PERFUMES,'
"LONG NARROW PATHS LADEN WITH TREES AND FLOWERS ON BOTH SIDES."
"READ'
"PAST'
"MEMORY"
"CHOICES"
"KING LEAR'
"DEMISE'
"PROMISE'
'WORD"

No, not the word money.
But some times I need it and then I don't have it
And despondence sets in………..

So I felt very despondent and disappointed at that moment
When I couldn't find the book but I had the money to buy it

I decided to go to the information desk.

The guy at the desk was busy.
Sounds familiar to you/
The word, "busy."
He was busy
I waited
Now he was not busy
I was still waiting.

"Can you please help me?"
"Yeah, what do you want?"
"You see, i saw a book…"
"Which book?"
he interrupted me
Usual
Americans always interrupt
Like Charlie Rose
He invites guests and the talk more than the guest and interrupts them constantly
He usually invites British Guests because he is so affected and then interrupts them constantly
and they stop talking because they are British and are supposed to be more polite
so whenever they are at a point to reveal something important he interrupts them and they usually lose their thought and we the viewers don't ind out what they were going to tell us……
Tavis Smilley is a better host than Charlie Rose though he is also American but he doesn't interrupts,
He let his guest finish the sentence
I don't know why he is different since he is also American and Americans do not have the power or the concentration or manners to listen to some one else….But Tavis Smiley does.  He listen.  Maybe because he is black and has more manners.  White hosts are more self occupied.  Very Important they are.  The white talk show hosts…………

So the guy at the information desk at Strand bok store had no patience for me at least…
"which book?"
He said
"The blue book…" I said
"What?"
He won't let me finish my sentence
"The blue small book….in hard cover….by…
"We don't have any blue small book in this shelf."
"I saw it a few dates ago.  Its a small blue book in hard cover by Dr, Samuel Johnson……….
"we don't have any book by Samuel Johnson here, they are in the basement."
"I found a small blue book by Samuel Johnson, it was priced $20, it was like 130 pages….
'Samuel books are downstairs in the basement miss and they are in three volumes and the price is $100"
He said

"No, I saw a small blue book by Dr, Samuel Johnson, it was called RASSALAS AND IT WAS FOR $20…..
"You are mistaken.'
He said
"you see I do have a problem with my memory and the problem is that memory is too good.  So you see I am not mistaken."
"I have never heard of that book, so Samuel Johnson must not have written it."
He was so full of himself because he was white and American and at the information desk without much information as usual
"BUt I saw the book right here in this shelf and I know Dr, Samuel Johnson wrote it and he wrote it in one week because he had no money and his mother was sick so he wrote it in a hurry to make some money and pay for his mother's sickness but the mother died before he got the money, it was 3oo English pounds and he spend that money on her funeral."
I said
"I don't have all day for you miss, I have other customers waiting…next.?"
I left…
Cursing myself for not having money on that particular day when I discovered the book…"Don't be so sad."  I tried to console myself.  "You have so many books at home, go home pick another book, go to the cafe and read it."
'No, I want to read that particular book which I couldn't buy that day when I didn't have the fucking money."

So I do use the word, 'Money"  sometimes but its not my favorite word…..

SO IN MY DREAM, IN THAT PARTICULAR CLASS ROOM WHERE THIS OTHER GIRL WAS SITTING WHO SEEMED LIKE MY FRIEND AND I WANTED TO READ THAT BOOK CALLED, RASSALAS BY SAMUEL JOHNSON TO HER IN A CFAE………….
BUT I REALIZED THAT I DIDN'T HAVE THAT BOOK BECAUSE I COULDN'T BUY IT THE DAY I SAW IT SO I HAD NOTHING TO READ TO MY ONLY FRIEND IN A CAFE………..
THE ONLY BOOK I WANTED TO READ TO HER I DIDN'T HAVE……………
WHATEVER I DESIRE DEEPLY I DON'T GET…………
MAYBE IS HAOULD STOP DESIRING…………..
BUT I LOVE THE WORD, "DESIRE"…………………….





Wednesday, April 15, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

They were two sisters
Working for two different agencies
Spy agencies
The agencies didn't know that they were sisters
Or they knew that they were sisters but didn't know that they were working
With rival groups

They would meet and discuss secrets
'Arn't you afraid?"
I asked one of them
My position in the dream wasn't clear.
Maybe I was a stranger?
A friend?
An other sister?
The third sister?
That sounds nice
"The third sister"
Like the movie, "The third man"
With that ominous music
Famous tune
When ever some one hears it people ask, "Isn't that from the third man."

Finally I decided to watch it
It was a spy story
I think it was a spy story
With Orson Wells in it
Maybe I am wrong
I am not American
So don't know much
Not an expert on anything like self important, self declared American experts.

"I have a Tennessee Williams expert.
"Yeah, you are.  Where is your picture with Tennessee Williams?"
I am a NO EXPERT and I have a photograph with Tennessee Williams."
'And you are an expert."
"Right."

'"I KNOW HOW HE LOOKS LIKE AND YOU DON'T
AND YOU ARE AN EXPERT."
"Thats interesting."
Expert of something you have never seen
Expert of a person you have never met
Expert of a country you have never been to
Expert of a religion you know nothing about
Expert of a mind of the mad person and you are totally sane

Mind boggling experts in life and in dreams
I am getting to believe that the dreams and the shitty life is exactly one and the same.
But well I am going away from the dream
And losing it all together'More the time passes, more the dream become vague
So where was I?

Ok, the two sisters
Spies
Working for two different spy agencies
Working for the enemy
And they get together over drinks and talk about it.
Seems like Kim Philby
The famous spy from England
Working for England and the Soviets
And was never caught
But he was English
He was smart
These sisters seems ethnic in the dream
First a dream and then ethnic people in it?
They have no chance….
They will be caught

One of them is pregnant
They seem un-afraid
Thats something
Only in the dreams guys
Only in the dreams
'Ethnic, spies and un-afraid
Only in the dreams

In life when some one mentions the word ethnic
People jump up and down as if an earthquake hit them
They get so startled
So excitable this word is, "Ethnic."
"Minority."
"Equality."
"JUstice."
"Modernity."
"Democracy."

Stp it
Its becoming like a political play
And you know what happens to Political playwrights in the free world?
They go to jail
Judith Malina did
"Who?"
'Judith Malina."
"Who is JUdith Malina?"
"I knew you are not an expert.
You are going to be fired soon from your job."
Only experts have a job here."
"In your dream you have a job?"
"No, not me.  I don't have a job in my dream."
"I am only an observer, observing the ones who have jobs."

"Soon these two sisters won't have a job.  One is pregnant
And the other is gossiping
They will be fired soon

Now the pregnant one gives birth
Now her child is already walking
If it was that easy to have a child who starts walking right away
I should have had a few
But you see I am the one known for missing chances
I have heard people saying, "Oh! we gave her a chance but she missed it."

"Chance?"
"I think they misspelled the word, "Chance."
"They might have meant, "Change."
"Change.?"
"Yes, change for a quarter, a few pennies"
THey might have given me a few pennies which I refused to take."
They mean that, "Chance."
So sorry I missed the, "Chance."
"THey gave it to me , but I missed it."
'Thats like The Palestinians."
'They offered them the chance for peace and their own state and they missed it."
"Ignorant people miss things in life and in their dreams."
"Sorry wasn't born an expert, would have been on Tv yapping away….

So the child of one of the sister was already walking and talking and eating by himself
Thats a miracle, I said
The child was walking behind the mother
The mother was oblivious of her son or daughter
I couldn't tell whether it was a son or a daughter
The child was wearing designers clothes
With designers you can't really tell
If the model is a man or a woman or whatever he/she is wearing
Is meant for a man or for a woman
But thats fashion
Also obscure, surreal, vague
Just like a dream

In my dreams I live a life
A life of luxury, mystery,un-certanity
Well thats not all true
Un-certanity is a big part of my awake life
Awake?
What an awkward word
'When the hell was I awake?"
Passed through life dazed as if on cocaine or opium
without ever going near a drug
Never awake, never fully awake but thinking, always thinking…
I am a thinking person, a thinking person of dreams, nightmares, intrigue, war, death

'Please let me get away from myself
But there is no one to hold your arm to get you away
They would rather shove you back amongst the wild crowd of humanity
So humanity can crush you to smithereens
'Oh! gee its so depressing and I just woke up from a bizarre land of no where
Leave me the hell alone
'Who you talking to?"
'You"
"You?
"Yes, you, you my mind."
"You still have a mind?  I thought you lost it long time ago."
'No, I still have my mind intact.  It works very well when I sleep."
"But you can't remember your dreams very well, can you."
"I remember you very well, you count, you never let me forget you
Because you are a whorish memory, always knocking at my door."
"get me away from you."

"You is me, I am you."
"Remember in the dream, there are two sisters
And one of them now have a grown up son/daughter
And you are now an aunt and you have to take care of the nephew/niece
When the agency boss kill your sister when they find out that your sister was a spy."

'Oh! so thats how the dream end?"
"NO, the dream never ends, you just wake up
Shaking and sweating and all nervous and thankful"
Thankful for what?"

"Thankful that you are awake now to face your shitty life."
"You have a shitty life?"
"I didn't know that you have a shitty life."
"You should know about my shitty life, you are my sister."
"Since when the sisters are supposed to know about each other's shitty lives in today's busy, busy, modern, individualistic lives."  "Move on…we live in modernity, no sister, no friend, no stranger, no hungry beggar means anything to forward moving successful people.  Thats what success is all about.  Not to know anything about any one.  No concern for any one.  None.  Just keep moving on forward
Always forward.  You can encounter your fucking relatives and all the wordily concerns in your fucking dreams but once you wake up shake your head under a cold shower and get all the garbage out
and go meet your boss for a raise."

"OH! you are the boss."
"Yes, I am the boss."  "Since I left my un-employed sister behind and all my fucking relatives and friends behind I am the boss, I am entitled to a raise and I am going to give me one today.  You can keep dreaming and then keep analyzing your dreams all day.  What a wonderful way to waste your life.
You are my sister, you could have had a life like my own.  Your own boss with a plush office on Madison avenue but you were always talking about police brutality and shit like that…who is going to make you a boss if you criticizes all the bosses of the world?  Let me go, I am late for a meeting, lucky you, you are never late, because you have no meeting to go to.  Adieu."

"Now, who was she?  She just gave me a lecture and I don't even know her.  Thats right I don't know her.  But the people I don't know always give me lectures.
"YOu shouldn't have done that, you should have done this, don't do that, do this."
Then they walk away.
I don't know who they are?
I really don't but they all seem to know me and give me lectures the moment they see me.
And then abruptly walk away like the woman in the dream the mother is just walking away and her child is now walking behind her…….

"She is coming towards the other sister and then a man shows up
An ominous looking man
He looks stern and dangerous
I think he is their boss or the boss of at least one of them
Yes, I am sure he is the boss of the agency and he found out that the sisters work with the enemies and share secrets…..
"I have to go." One of the sister says to the other sister.
"What do you mean, you have to go away?  You haven't fed us yet.  You invited us for lunch
and now you are going away?"
"YEs, I have to go away, something came up."
"What came up/  What is more important than your sister and your nephew/niece?"
"something…You see that man?"
"Yes, I see that ugly man, what about him?"
"See, he is staring at us because I forgot that I had a meeting with him here otherwise I wouldn't have invited you here.  Now he knows who you are."
"So what?  Atleast he knows who I am because I don't know who I am?  Maybe I SHOULD GO AND HAVE A MEETING WITH HIM.  Since he knows who I am."

'You don't seem to understand.  Now he knows that you are my sister."
"How does he know?  You haven't told him yet."
"He can tell.  wE look exactly alike, don't forget we are twins."
"Oh! we are?  Where have you been all my life?"
"Working."
"Working with whom?"
"With the guy who is staring at us."
"Who is he?"
"He is your boss."
"My boss?"  "BUt I never had a job."
"You have a job, you never realized it but you do have a job."
"What job?"

"You analyze,you question, you are obsessed with things, you dwell all day all night
You have a job and he knows that, he knows that I tell you all about my work and you analyze
it for me and you belong to a different firm but you don't work for them, you work for me."

"its getting too complicated for me.  I can't think any more.  I am hungry.  I am a mother who is hungry with a hungry child behind me.  You invited us both for lunch and we are still hungry and you are going to have a meeting with that awful looking guy."

"Don't worry, After I meet with him, none of us will need food any more or anything else.  That guy is going to shoot us both and my nephew/niece with a silent gun amidst this crowd and disappear fast and no one will know who killed us both.  Thats what the boss of the spies does.  He think we are spies
and we work for him and someone else."
'But I don't work."
'Don't worry, you work for me but I didn't tell him but he found out, I think he found out so let me go and try to convince him that you are not my sister, that I don't know you, that I have never seen you before and in the meantime you can perhaps disappear amongst the crowd……but let me go…if I ever come back we will have a nice lunch…..we will go to Estella……"
"Where?"
"Estella"
"Oh! Estella is also coming for lunch?"
"No, not Estella our estranged sister but ESTELLA, the new restaurant every one has been talking about…………We are going to Estella if that man doesn't silence us with his silencer………….





Tuesday, April 14, 2015

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

ALL NIGHT WITH A COUPLE
A MAN AND A WOMAN, THE WOMAN A BIT STRANGE
THE MAN MORE STRANGE THAN THE WOMAN
NO, i TAKE IT BACK
THE WOMAN MORE STRANGE THAN THE MAN
WE ARE STAYING WITH THEM
ME AND MY PARTNER

She keeps making sarcastic remarks
Keep offering me $5 dollar bill
Out of two $5 bills
And at the same time keep making remarks such as,
"Oh! taking care of the people staying with us already."
"Oh! here take it…Keeping them and paying for them."
"I don't want to take your money.  Please stop offering me your five bucks."
"No its ok, take it. "
Then she murmurs to herself, "I have to keep them and then give them money also."
She murmurs loud enough so I can hear it.

Then we go for a walk
Me and her
The road is dark
Very dark
Dark as hell
We are walking
Hardly any one else on the road
Do we stop at a cafe or a bar or somewhere?
I do not remember
Then we come back
There is nothing to eat
There is nothing to buy
Nothing around
I am holding my 5 dollar bill in my hand
But there is nothing there to buy

But even if there were What can one buy with five dollars?
But still, there is nothing around
She and her man are some kind of artists
She has some cardboard stands with some kind of plastic
Figures glued to them
Quite a few cardboard stands
I can't figure out what kind of art it is
But they are considering themselves artists.

Like every one else these days
Everyone is an artist
Since there are so many bad artists around
Everyone can afford to call themselves artists.

'What do you do?"
'I am an artist."
'What kind of an artist?"
'Artist."

End of story.
Thats it
You are an artist and no one can refute it.
So we have so many artists in the world now.
We encounter them in our lives and in our dreams

The woman looks like some one I know in real life
I don't really know her
Do you ever really know any one?
I don't know any one for real
They all surprise me
Overpower me
Control me
With their deceptions
I know so many people who cherish their deceptions with a relish
I keep believing them
They keep deceiving me

Then one day I stop believing them
But they continue deceiving me
Its me or them at fault?
Me, of course …
I am always at fault

The fault of mine is lack of understanding of the modern man and the modern woman of twentieth Century…
As well as the twenty first Century…
People have always gotten away with playing games with me
Simple games
Serious games
Ordinary games
Harmless games
Meaningless games
But games nevertheless

GAMES SUCH AS, "I WILL CALL YOU TOMORROW."
And then you never hear from them
Doesn't seem any important or un-usual game
But the problem with me is that when they say it I believe that this time they will keep their words
Because I keep believing in some basic decency in human beings
I still keep believing in that basic decency
I still keep believing that the when you give your word to someone, you must keep it.
'What am I without my word?"
My father used to say.
"Oh! no"  He will say.  "I can't go back on my words."
"I gave my word, I can't go back now."
There was some kind of honor in those days
Some kind of politeness
Some kind of dignity
Some kind of trust.

When some one now says to me, "I will call you tomorrow, we will do this and that."
By now I feel and somehow know that they won't call me because it has happened so many times
And they really don't mean anything by saying such things, they just say it and then I still think that perhaps this time they will keep their words because they have done otherwise so often and I feel after all they are human beings and some day their decent instinct of not bluffing others will awaken
Or they might in their heart of heart think that its not the symbol of a great character to say something
and never do it.

But actually that is their character.
They have no character
Thats their character
Which is no character at all
And those are the people who succeed in whatever the modern success is.
Thats how it is
But what is one without one's word?

That woman in the dream reminded me of a such woman I know in real life
She says things, all kinds of things but never fulfill them and then if you ever see her
by chance she has the whole list of mind boggling excuses ….which are even worst
than not keeping your word.

The woman in my dream seemed like one of those
The ones I don't trust
Anymore……
The woman in the dream I didn't trust

Her partner seemed ok
But she was in control
Why were we there in that dark place?
I have no Idea
Why were we there in that dark street going for a walk and what for?
I have no Idea…

When I woke up I had the worst headache of my life
As well as stomach ache
'What did I eat before I slept?"
I kept asking my self
"I have a splitting headache and stomach ache"
'Why?"
'Why?"
No answer…

'What did I eat?"

"Fennel salad with lemon and ololive oil with avocado."
All healthy stuff, they tell me
And a glass of red wine
All healthy stuff
They keep telling me
Then why this headache?
I didn't trust the woman of my dream
'But why the headache?"
Because I am going to encounter people like that all day long."