THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND SOME ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
 I WAITED AND WAITED
I WAS ALSO NOT READY
DIDN'T FINISH WRITING
OR COMPILING WHATEVER i WAS SUPPOSE TO READ THAT NIGHT
OR PERFORM
PERHAPS IT WAS A SCRIPT
WHICH WASN'T YET COMLETE

This dream is so very vague
But I did dream
Something chaotic in a wide spread way like my emotions
Nothing linear
All circular
Going around and around
I was very un-happy when I slept

I was upset about wasting my whole day under subtle pressure
Not being able to say, "NO"
Being slightly shocked by being surprised and not have the pre-determination
to be able to make a quick excuse to get away from the situation fast and saved my day and my money un-necessarily spent
It often happens
It happens frequently
I am never prepared to get away from a situation of not my making

Can not say, "NO:
Too much sense of obligation
I wonder why?
Some kind of obligation is ok perhaps
But not obliged to the whole planet
So I was upset before I slept
And in my dream wandered around looking for this and that
And not finding it
In this dream I think it was a ride
Some one was going to give me a ride somewhere Important
And that some one was not around
While I was also not ready
I remeber writing
Writing something
But It wasn't enough
I had couple of pages in my hand
Which I put in a drawer to keep them safe
But I was aware that those pages won't fill an hour
So it must be a script
The play can not be so short
At least an hour
Yes, it should fill at least an hour
People are paying for it
Keep them there for one and a half hour
But certainly an hour
Not less than that
Unless you are Fiona Shaw and the script is, "Wasteland."
Thirty seven minutes to be exact and seventy dollars
Well! stars can do everything
But even in my dream I felt the script has to be filled up

I kept the few pages in the drawer and looked for the person
With whom I was going to go somewhere........
Then I was dreaming of colors, bright colors
and food
Perhaps it was fruit
I haven't been eating fruit lately
I have been eating badly
Maybe thats why I go through these awful dreams
But my dreams have been awful for a long time
More like nightmares
I wake with great anxiety and sweat.
I have no friends

Perhaps that is the anxiety
But every one complains of not having friends
But it doesn't seem to bother them
Perhaps I am not busy enough
Yes, thats what it is
Not busy enough
Say it three times to confirm....
;Not busy enough."
;Not busy enough."
'Not busy enough."

People have projects
They don't even have time to call any one or to call back or to even pick up
the phone when some one calls them.
I want to be like that
I don't want to answer the phone when it rings
But my phone doesn't ring much
Some days it doesn't ring at all...................

But I should not pick it up even when it rings
I should not
I want to be like that
Not pick up the phone
Behave important
Say, "NO"  when I am in a situation I don't want to be in,
Say, "No and walk away
But I don't
I can't
Then I am upset for the rest of the day
Then I dream bad dreams

In my dream all of a sudden while I am looking for that some one to take me somewhere
All of a sudden there is a big platform which is covered by white sheets
Some one pick up the sheets and an amazing thing happens
The platform is full of hundreds of colorful bracelets
Glass bracelets
Colorful glass bracelets
Thousands of them
Where am I?
Thats my country
Thats where all the colorful bracelets are being sold
Thousands of them
And women are buying them
So many bracelets and so many women
All colorful
Bright bracelets and bright people
Bright colors buying colorful bracelets under the bright sky....
Where am I?
I am home
Then I wake up................
No, I am not home
I am sweating
The room is dark and hot
I am alone
I am not home
Where am I?
I don't know
What do I do here?
Nothing
Just go along
WHATEVER IS THERE i JUST GO ALONG
WASTE MY TIME
WASTE MY LIFE
JUST GO ALONG
Can't say, 'NO'.......................