THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am in a big room
There is a bed in the middle of the room
I am still in my pajamas
There is the owner of the house
I think he is my dear friend
Or maybe my lover
I don't know exactly

He keeps cleaning
Cleaning the kitchen sink
The dishes
The cupboards
We talk as he cleans
I feel cheerful
I know at some point he will come back to the bed with me
So he must be my lover
But he never comes back
He still cleans
He couldn't have been my lover
Lovers don't keep cleaning while there is a bed waiting for them in the middle of the room

Then the dream changes
All of a sudden two women show up
They are very critical of me
No they are not my lover's relatives
They are just two ladies
They criticize me
People criticize me a lot even when I am awake
So I am very sensitive to that
All of a sudden my mood changes
I am not feeling romantic any more
Seems like the real life
No romance
Just the feeling of being un-employed
Lack of money
That feeling kills the feeling of romance

Then the dream changes
I am all of a sudden in a cafe
Surprise, surprise
I am always in a cafe while I am awake
So its not such an awful dream
In the cafe there is another woman
It seems like that I like her
Thats very strange
Because I don't like any one much any more
Actually I hate people
I am full of hate
I love to hate
I hate every one these days
But it seems like I like her
Very odd
And she is leaving for good

Actually thats what I want
I want to leave for good
No, not this earth
BUT GO AWAY SOMEWHERE FOR GOOD
GO TO ANOTHER CORNER OF THE WORLD FOR GOOD
GO SOMEWHERE WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME

Well I can stay here too
No one knows me here either
I mean really know me
Like they knew Omar Sharif
I am his relative and no one knows me
Thats odd

That lady in the cafe is moving somewhere else
We hug and kiss and say good bye
I am trying to be a nice person one more time
Sick of being nice
I want to be evil
If I can have another life I would love to be an evil bitch

We say good bye and I try to leave
And then some evil bitches in the cafe bother me
Bitches always nother me
I wonder why?
Either they are mad that I am a wild bitch
Or not much of a bitch at all
Every one hates me
I want to be like every one else
I want to hate every one
But I just hugged and kissed that lady who is leaving the town for good

I want to leave the town for good
Did I not say that before
I like to repeat myself
Didn't Mel Gusso say that?
He said, 'She has penchant for repetition."
Oh! Well, he is gone
God bless him
But every time I repeat myself I think of him
So at least I think of him
How many people think of dead people
All my dreams are about dead people
They appear at night as if they are living and are still mad at me
THE WORLD IS MAD AT ME
I WONDER WHY?
But who cares?
I do
Don't
Easy said then done

So what else happened in the dream?
I don't remember
But I do remember that I wanted to go some place else
And be anonymous
Wear beautiful clothes
Have a lot of money
Go every where
Sit alone and drink very cold, very expansive white wine and smoke  cigarette like the old times
But never talk to any one
Go every where fancy but never talk to any one
And then come back to a very clean apt with tons of flowers
Let some one else clean the place
Let me not see them cleaning either
Just let them leave before I come back
Sleep with great white pressed white cotton sheets and sleep and then go out to a garden the next day
And read a great book written by Camus
Or Duras or Poe and then go for lunch and talk to no one

Then I woke up
I have to clean my place
Its filthy
No flowers
No white sheets
Just filth.....................