THESE AWFUL DREAMS

Its wednesday or Saturday?
There is a matinee and an evening performance
There are two one acts
I am in the second act

We did the performance in the afternoon already
There are two people in the first play
A young man and a woman
Or a young man and another young man
Or a woman and another woman
I couldn't tell clearly

But then there is another very slim and short person
A young man or a young woman or a child with overgrown adult face
And very thin limbs
Action of the play
I forget
But they seemed like had a good response
Its a comedy or a tragedy or a comedy and a tragedy
Its vague
The clarity of the play's content is not there
But certainly its a play

We are somewhere in the theater or a hall or a performance space
We , the actors in the second act wait in the wings
There are two of us
Or maybe three or four or five
People appear and disappear
They vanish
New people come back
But I think that only two people are supposed to be in the actual play
The rest are extras
Like in the movie
For atmosphere

What did we do in the play/
I don't remember
The play must not be good
Because If it was we would have remembered
But we were in the play
We should remember something
We just finished performing
We should remember a line or two of the dialogue
But we don't
I don't for sure
I don't know about the other actor
Maybe he remembers his part

Maybe he knows what the play was about and what we didi in it
But he is not here
He took a cigaret break
But no one smoke any more in the theater
Some people still do
But they are not well liked
He doesn't care
He doesn't care what others think
The best attitude to live on stage and off stage

No one should care what other people think about you or say about you
One should just remember one's own part
One's own part in life
Assigned to you in your own life
I don't remember what part was assigned to me in life
I don't remember what part was assigned to me in the play
I just performed the play and don't remember what part
I played
And I have to perform one more time today
In the evening

But In my case everything is special
I always think of others
Sleeping
And while I am awake
My life is filled with the thoughts of others
What do they say about me
What do they think about me
Are they happy with me/
Or unhappy with me?
Did I say something wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
Are they going to be my friends any more?
As if they were my friends anyway….

Always worried about this and that f..king thing about people
I should be in a long play titled, "PEOPLE."
But it seems like in the performance I just did, I didn't think of them
"THEM"  ALL THOSE, "THEM" PEOPLE
I think I didn't think of them during the play
I was so busy learning my lines
So busy concentrating on my lines
And on my sue
but I don't remember a word of it now
And I just performed the whole long act
And I have  to do it one more time tonight

Maybe I should not worry so much
I always worry about the least important things
The play is not the least important thing
But I usually worry about every nonsensical thing
And nonsensical people
I should always in a play
That is the only time I don't remember
The nonsense of every day shit
But right now I don't remember what I did on stage
And what am I GOING TO DO ON STAGE THIS EVENING

Its the most troublesome thing not to remember
Not to remember bad things would be good
But not to remember the good things
Thats painful
But not remembering the lines in a play is torture
You can't be in any play if your memory has failed you
And in this play, in this dream my memory has completely failed me
And I like memory
I like all the pain the memory brings
And I remember also the least joy the memory brings

Because now most iof the things which happens in the world are painful
The planes falling off the sky'Hitting the mountains
All dead
No one survives
The fires burning in the pats
All dead
NONE SURVIVES
THE DRONES COMING TO KILL WHOEVER THEY CONSIDER IS DANGEROUS

Who wants to remember such things
Who wants to remember dead people?
You think of them for a second
And then go on to check your email
Email always come from the living
Never the dead
So you keep checking the emails so you can believe that you are still alive

To be alive is to be the most important things
Others are dead in a fire or war or a crash
But we are alive
So that is the most important thing
Next to remembering your lines if you are in a play

And I am in a play
And don't remember anything except that I am in a play
And I just performed
And I have to perform again
Was there an audience/
I don't remember
And I don't really care
If you are an actor or if you are in a play you have to do the show audience or no audience
But if not even one person shows up then its a different story
But there is always at least one person who shows up
Either that person really loves the theater or have nothing to do with his life
But he showed up
Now its unto you to do the show or not
I always do it
Most of the time only one person show up at my shows any way
And I like to be in a play
performing for that one solitary person
Thats when I enjoy the most

I don't care about all the rest who never showed up
Only in my life I care for useless people
During my performance I don't care
I have to concentrate on my self
I wish I was always in a play
Then I will have to concentrate on myself
And only on myself
CAN'T AFFORD TO THINK OF RIFF-RAFF WHILE YOU ARE ON STAGE
 YOU HAVE TO HAVE UTMOST CONCENTRATION
AND THAT TAKES ENERGY

My energy in life is wasted
Wasted by thinking of others
Always others
Never me
I like show business
Makes you think of your self

Now the scene changes
Its 8pm
The curtain is going up on the first act
We are in the second act
But we are there all dressed and waiting in the wings
Waiting to go on……..

In my real life I am just waiting
Not waiting to go on
But just waiting
Waiting for others
Other people to arrive
I am always waiting for other people to arrive

Its like being a director of un-professional actors
Who always keep the director waiting
Director arrives first
Or he should
If he is professional
And if he is
He is always waiting
Waiting for the actors

Maybe not up-town
Up-town things must be different
Actors get paid
So they arrive on time
Director is usually late
He is a famous almighty director
He comes late

But I am most of the time waiting for some one or something
Without knowing who that someone or something is
But in my dream I am waiting to go on
The curtain is delayed
Because one of the actor in the first act is not there
Not there yet
So we are all waiting
All of a sudden I just see a head
A head only
A head of a alice woman
But just a head
Like the head of John the Baptist
But its not on a platter
Its a walking, talking head
And I suddenly remember
This head was an actor in the first act
But this head, this actor had limbs
Very thin limbs
Only now I realized that those limbs were artificial
And were attached to this head for the performance
How real they looked
The limbs I mean
Awfully thin but looked real

The head, the actor seemed very pleasant
Had all the make up on
Eyes done
Red lips
Nice thick black hair
We didn't talk
But I knew if we indulged in any conversation
It would have been very pleasant
I didn't feel that way with any other normal actors

Now we are all waiting
So is the audience
The actor is still not there
So what are we going to do?
Should we go on first?
No.  I am told.
We have to follow the rules
Obey the rules
But the actor is not hearer
So what/
Rules have to be obeyed
Rules are rules
We can't go on till the first play is over

So we are waiting'
Pacing back and forth
And waiting
But what's my part like?
What am I going to do when I am on stage finally?
I try to concentrate
What dialogue I have with my partner?
What monologue?
Do I have silent part?
Am I an extra in a play?
I thought extra's exist only in movie
But we are certainly stage actors
Because there is a stage
Its dark right now
But it will be lit
And we will be on it
And we will forget our real life
At I will
I always do
For a brief moments of time
I forget about my real life
And always remember that I am an actor
And I am in a play
And I know my part

The part I am playing
But right now
I DON'T REMEMBER
Don't remember my part
Don't remember the words
Don't remember any words
Don't remember words which I will utter
Once I am on stage
I have to say something
I have to say the words
Disturbing words
Happy words
Melodious words

The play is nothing without words
The play is dead
The actor is nothing without words
The actor is dead
Seems like we are not going to go on
The time is passing
And passing fast
And the audience is getting
Agitated
Nervous
Angry
Soon they will go home
Soon there will be no play
Soon I will have to face my real life
Soon I will surround my brain
And my heart with all the garbage
With all the nonsense
With all the chatter of nonsensical chattering class
Soon there will be no one trying to remember their lines
They all know their lines
They are chatting away
They have nothing to say
But they are always talking
Talking and eating
Eating and talking with a full mouth

We only talk on stage
We don't eat on stage
Very rarely
When you have a huge budget
You eat on stage
But eating and talking with mouths full is bad manners
And theater is all about good manners
About Aesthetics and sophistication
We speak properly'
We rehearse our speech
I wish I lived on stage
But even in my dream I AM WAITING TO GO ON
Waiting and waiting
With no memory of what I WILL DO
once I am on stage………………..
Its becoming like my real life
This dream………..

What will I do once I go on?
Always a question
Never an answer
I guess we never performed
The actor in the first play never showed up
So we couldn't go on
We couldn't go on to stage to perform…………
We waited all night……………………….