THESE AWFUL DREAMS

Its wednesday or Saturday?
There is a matinee and an evening performance
There are two one acts
I am in the second act

We did the performance in the afternoon already
There are two people in the first play
A young man and a woman
Or a young man and another young man
Or a woman and another woman
I couldn't tell clearly

But then there is another very slim and short person
A young man or a young woman or a child with overgrown adult face
And very thin limbs
Action of the play
I forget
But they seemed like had a good response
Its a comedy or a tragedy or a comedy and a tragedy
Its vague
The clarity of the play's content is not there
But certainly its a play

We are somewhere in the theater or a hall or a performance space
We , the actors in the second act wait in the wings
There are two of us
Or maybe three or four or five
People appear and disappear
They vanish
New people come back
But I think that only two people are supposed to be in the actual play
The rest are extras
Like in the movie
For atmosphere

What did we do in the play/
I don't remember
The play must not be good
Because If it was we would have remembered
But we were in the play
We should remember something
We just finished performing
We should remember a line or two of the dialogue
But we don't
I don't for sure
I don't know about the other actor
Maybe he remembers his part

Maybe he knows what the play was about and what we didi in it
But he is not here
He took a cigaret break
But no one smoke any more in the theater
Some people still do
But they are not well liked
He doesn't care
He doesn't care what others think
The best attitude to live on stage and off stage

No one should care what other people think about you or say about you
One should just remember one's own part
One's own part in life
Assigned to you in your own life
I don't remember what part was assigned to me in life
I don't remember what part was assigned to me in the play
I just performed the play and don't remember what part
I played
And I have to perform one more time today
In the evening

But In my case everything is special
I always think of others
Sleeping
And while I am awake
My life is filled with the thoughts of others
What do they say about me
What do they think about me
Are they happy with me/
Or unhappy with me?
Did I say something wrong?
Did I do something wrong?
Are they going to be my friends any more?
As if they were my friends anyway….

Always worried about this and that f..king thing about people
I should be in a long play titled, "PEOPLE."
But it seems like in the performance I just did, I didn't think of them
"THEM"  ALL THOSE, "THEM" PEOPLE
I think I didn't think of them during the play
I was so busy learning my lines
So busy concentrating on my lines
And on my sue
but I don't remember a word of it now
And I just performed the whole long act
And I have  to do it one more time tonight

Maybe I should not worry so much
I always worry about the least important things
The play is not the least important thing
But I usually worry about every nonsensical thing
And nonsensical people
I should always in a play
That is the only time I don't remember
The nonsense of every day shit
But right now I don't remember what I did on stage
And what am I GOING TO DO ON STAGE THIS EVENING

Its the most troublesome thing not to remember
Not to remember bad things would be good
But not to remember the good things
Thats painful
But not remembering the lines in a play is torture
You can't be in any play if your memory has failed you
And in this play, in this dream my memory has completely failed me
And I like memory
I like all the pain the memory brings
And I remember also the least joy the memory brings

Because now most iof the things which happens in the world are painful
The planes falling off the sky'Hitting the mountains
All dead
No one survives
The fires burning in the pats
All dead
NONE SURVIVES
THE DRONES COMING TO KILL WHOEVER THEY CONSIDER IS DANGEROUS

Who wants to remember such things
Who wants to remember dead people?
You think of them for a second
And then go on to check your email
Email always come from the living
Never the dead
So you keep checking the emails so you can believe that you are still alive

To be alive is to be the most important things
Others are dead in a fire or war or a crash
But we are alive
So that is the most important thing
Next to remembering your lines if you are in a play

And I am in a play
And don't remember anything except that I am in a play
And I just performed
And I have to perform again
Was there an audience/
I don't remember
And I don't really care
If you are an actor or if you are in a play you have to do the show audience or no audience
But if not even one person shows up then its a different story
But there is always at least one person who shows up
Either that person really loves the theater or have nothing to do with his life
But he showed up
Now its unto you to do the show or not
I always do it
Most of the time only one person show up at my shows any way
And I like to be in a play
performing for that one solitary person
Thats when I enjoy the most

I don't care about all the rest who never showed up
Only in my life I care for useless people
During my performance I don't care
I have to concentrate on my self
I wish I was always in a play
Then I will have to concentrate on myself
And only on myself
CAN'T AFFORD TO THINK OF RIFF-RAFF WHILE YOU ARE ON STAGE
 YOU HAVE TO HAVE UTMOST CONCENTRATION
AND THAT TAKES ENERGY

My energy in life is wasted
Wasted by thinking of others
Always others
Never me
I like show business
Makes you think of your self

Now the scene changes
Its 8pm
The curtain is going up on the first act
We are in the second act
But we are there all dressed and waiting in the wings
Waiting to go on……..

In my real life I am just waiting
Not waiting to go on
But just waiting
Waiting for others
Other people to arrive
I am always waiting for other people to arrive

Its like being a director of un-professional actors
Who always keep the director waiting
Director arrives first
Or he should
If he is professional
And if he is
He is always waiting
Waiting for the actors

Maybe not up-town
Up-town things must be different
Actors get paid
So they arrive on time
Director is usually late
He is a famous almighty director
He comes late

But I am most of the time waiting for some one or something
Without knowing who that someone or something is
But in my dream I am waiting to go on
The curtain is delayed
Because one of the actor in the first act is not there
Not there yet
So we are all waiting
All of a sudden I just see a head
A head only
A head of a alice woman
But just a head
Like the head of John the Baptist
But its not on a platter
Its a walking, talking head
And I suddenly remember
This head was an actor in the first act
But this head, this actor had limbs
Very thin limbs
Only now I realized that those limbs were artificial
And were attached to this head for the performance
How real they looked
The limbs I mean
Awfully thin but looked real

The head, the actor seemed very pleasant
Had all the make up on
Eyes done
Red lips
Nice thick black hair
We didn't talk
But I knew if we indulged in any conversation
It would have been very pleasant
I didn't feel that way with any other normal actors

Now we are all waiting
So is the audience
The actor is still not there
So what are we going to do?
Should we go on first?
No.  I am told.
We have to follow the rules
Obey the rules
But the actor is not hearer
So what/
Rules have to be obeyed
Rules are rules
We can't go on till the first play is over

So we are waiting'
Pacing back and forth
And waiting
But what's my part like?
What am I going to do when I am on stage finally?
I try to concentrate
What dialogue I have with my partner?
What monologue?
Do I have silent part?
Am I an extra in a play?
I thought extra's exist only in movie
But we are certainly stage actors
Because there is a stage
Its dark right now
But it will be lit
And we will be on it
And we will forget our real life
At I will
I always do
For a brief moments of time
I forget about my real life
And always remember that I am an actor
And I am in a play
And I know my part

The part I am playing
But right now
I DON'T REMEMBER
Don't remember my part
Don't remember the words
Don't remember any words
Don't remember words which I will utter
Once I am on stage
I have to say something
I have to say the words
Disturbing words
Happy words
Melodious words

The play is nothing without words
The play is dead
The actor is nothing without words
The actor is dead
Seems like we are not going to go on
The time is passing
And passing fast
And the audience is getting
Agitated
Nervous
Angry
Soon they will go home
Soon there will be no play
Soon I will have to face my real life
Soon I will surround my brain
And my heart with all the garbage
With all the nonsense
With all the chatter of nonsensical chattering class
Soon there will be no one trying to remember their lines
They all know their lines
They are chatting away
They have nothing to say
But they are always talking
Talking and eating
Eating and talking with a full mouth

We only talk on stage
We don't eat on stage
Very rarely
When you have a huge budget
You eat on stage
But eating and talking with mouths full is bad manners
And theater is all about good manners
About Aesthetics and sophistication
We speak properly'
We rehearse our speech
I wish I lived on stage
But even in my dream I AM WAITING TO GO ON
Waiting and waiting
With no memory of what I WILL DO
once I am on stage………………..
Its becoming like my real life
This dream………..

What will I do once I go on?
Always a question
Never an answer
I guess we never performed
The actor in the first play never showed up
So we couldn't go on
We couldn't go on to stage to perform…………
We waited all night……………………….

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was upstairs and downstairs

There were lots of men and women

All scattered in different rooms/enclaves/cubicles

What were they doing?

Don't know

It wasn't an office upstairs

And it wasn't a kitchen downstairs

It wasn't Downton Abbey

It was some kind of surreal atmosphere

With danger lurking around

Lots of tension

Some familiar faces in the crowd

Some ladies seemed as if we have met before

Men were tall and strong

Like marines

As if they have just fought a battle somewhere

Or as if they were still fighting a battle

There were people of all colors

Asians, Africans, Latin, White people

Where was this taking place?

Have no Idea

It wasn't a party though

Neither was it a gathering of some kind

Some people who were in cubicles seemed pretty Isolated

And seemed frightened

We were upstairs

I think we were

Me and another woman I recognized

She was trying to talk constantly

As if trying to divert attention

Or to distract the dangerous looking people not to harm her

All of a sudden one man took a woman

 to a corner and shot her in the head

The hot red blood shot up and covered the wall behind her

Thats when we realized that 

He is going to shoot all of us one by one

Some people went ran downstairs to hide

But we knew eventually they will be caught and shot in the head

So we didn't run anywhere

We, me and the woman who seemed familiar to me

As if she was a friend or so

We stayed put

Without moving an inch

But she kept talking

As if her turn will never come

But we knew deep down that all of us will be shot

Shot in the head like the person whose blood

Splattered all over the wall behind her

Then some man came and shot the man who had already shot the woman

Slowly and gradually there were less people left

Most of them had been shot right in-front of us

My friend kept chatting as if nothing was happening

I went downstairs to see how many others were hiding

I couldn't find any one

What happened to them?

There were so many people a while ago

Where did they all go?

What's going on?

Who are we?

Where are we?

Why people are bing killed?

Who are the killers?

They chat, they laugh, they barack jokes

And then they shoot people in the head

Smilingly, laughingly, jokingly

As if they were playing a joyful game

As if there were no humans there

Just rabbits and dears and pigeons

As if it was a hunting party

Like all the hunting parties of kings and aristocrats 

A house party where the hunting was necessary for the guests

All guests were invited to shoot in the forest

But there was no forest here and no dogs and horses

For the hunting party

Just ordinary people 

In an ordinary place

Not very exciting

Just upstairs and downstairs

And regular looking people chatting and then casually 

shooting people in the head

I knew my turn will come

I knew it

You can imagine my fear'

Perhaps you can't

But the fear in the dreams is much more intense than in 

the real world

In the real world perhaps someone will help you

Thats perhaps

Maybe not

The way the world is going

Perhaps no one will help you

But in a dream

No one will help you

No one

Its good ark to find some one to help you

Only you see the danger in the dark

No one else

No. No one else

And suddenly the man

The good looking, evil man laughingly took the woman

The woman who looked familiar to me

The woman who was perhaps my friend

My dear friend

And took her in the corner and

Blew her brains out

The red blood covered the whole wall

The wall was dark

The blood was bright red

It looked like an black and red ominous looking painting

Painting looked kind of interesting

The colors were very sharp

You can't go wrong with black and red

Red and black

When the man took that woman

The woman I knew to shoot her

I was sitting next to her

I was always sitting next to her

Does the shooter follow an order

Me next?

Was that the order?

Or was it random?

I didn't notice till he shot the woman

Sitting next to me

The woman I knew

Now the room seemed empty

Very empty

All the people have already gone

It seemed like I was the only one in the room

Only one

Only one left

Me and him

Me and him left alone in that space

No one else

Every one else had gone

Where did they go/

Are they downstairs?

No I don't think so

I didn't see them going downstairs

They just disappeared

Evaporated in the thin air

Now what?

I am the only one left

The only one…………………..

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THE BILL WAS $56
$6 WAS FOR THE DESERT
DHE REST WAS FOR FOOD
MUST HAVE EATEN A LOT OF FOOD
BUT PERHAPS THERE WAS WINE ALSO
MAYBE $16 FOR A GLASS
OR MAYBE $14
OR MAYBE $12

I DON'T REMEMBER

THEN THE SCENE CHANGES

The dreams are like plays
There are  lots of scenes and lots of black outs
There was a black out after the we were given the bill
How many people were in the party?
Must be a few
Otherwise the bill will be $300
I think we were eating in the new East Village

Then who paid?
I paid
Of course I paid
Every one else went to the bathroom
When the bill came

Then all of a sudden there was young woman
Being interrogated
Was she asian?
What do you think?
She could be black
Asian more like it
And she was being interrogated

She could see us
But the interrogators couldn't
Their backs were towards us
She was giving us some looks
about how to find her photograph
In some drawer in her apartment
And bring it to the interrogators
To prove to them that she is who she says she is

They don't seem to believe her Identity
They are not letting her through
She needs a proof of who she is
We need to help her
I think we know her
I least I feel that she is a friend or a relative

So you are an Asian in your dream?
Why do you ask?
Because if you feel that she is your relative and she is Asian
So you must be Asian also
Not necessarily
Now people have relatives of all colors and races

So you are not Asian then?
Why do you insist knowing?
So I will be less racist toward you
Oh! so you are a racist?
Arn't we all
Who do you hate the most?
Most of the races

Whats your race?
Can't you tell?
No I can't
You must be blind
I must be

Now we are going to be politically charged
Even in our dreams
Our dreams are not going to be popular
Our dreams title is awful dreams
Why would they be popular
And won't you f..king stop looking for being popular
All your dreams reflect that
F..k everything and every dream
Have a big black out
The final black out
The end of the dream
The end of play
Just hear the applause

No applause
Lights are not coming back
And no applause either
The black out is too long
Give the light operator a note tonight
The last black out is too long
Far too long
Far too, too long

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were huge trays full of green food
The color of deep seaweeds and some
Pistaccio looking thick sauce on top of it
The tray would be empty and then full again

What is it?
Who is supposed to eat it/
What's in it?
Should we taste it?

I was asking these questions to an un-seen partner of mine
Then there were huge number of people walking calmly on an Avenue
I was with them
I recognized a friend in the crowd
I distinctly saw her because of her coat
I know her coat
Because she is a friend
Its a long, grey down coat
I don't know if it was very cold, just chilly or warm?

The weather was un-certain like every day
You go out and the first chilly something,(I won't call it a breeze)
Because "Breeze is a beautiful word
And weather, (I mean the weather while I am awake is never beautiful )
Its snowing or raining or snowy and raining together
Muddy, slushy, hot or humid
Hot and humid
With garbage piled up and frozen
Or garbage piled up and melting
And the shit also melting with it
Garbage is shit anyway

So I couldn't tell whether the weather was nice or nasty
I only remember my girl friend's coat
She wears it when its very cold
So it must have been very cold
I don't remember what I was wearing
I am never happy with what I wear
I am never happy with what I order in the restaurants
Other people dishes always looks better

I have difficulty making choices
So any and every decision I make
Seems a wrong one
So I have no idea what I was wearing while we were all
Walking cal my on some Avenue
Seemed like the East Village
What else?
I never f..king get out of the East Village

There was a guy who seemed like the leader of the group
Walking on the avenue
And he was singing some songs

Songs sounded melancholic
Sad and melancholic for the lack of a better word
Words are hard to choose sometime
And the experts, critics of every damn thing
The authority of arts and science
The authority of language
Authority of writing
Would say, wrong English, bad English
Using the same word twice
So very close to each other
And who says that I can't use the same word twice?
Who?
Oh! the expert
The expert?
What?
The expert of languages and writing

And what did the expert gave me in my life?
Does he pay my rent?
My con Edison, (Very bad con Edison, pipes exploding everywhere )
My phone bill?
My food bill?
No, he/she the expert doesn't pay my bills
So what the F..k I care
I will use the same word a hundred time if I want

No one owns the words
Or the rules how to use them
And who cares about using the right words or the wrong words
When one is describing a dream….
Dreams are in-coherent
Aren't they?
Thats what I heard

They are so in-coherent that some mornings they just evaporate
Like dew drops on the rose petals
I dream of dew drops on the rose petals some time
Not often
Only some time….
Most of the time s I dream of daggers
And corpses
Morbid
Yes, you are right
My dreams are morbid
And you f..king bitch are even criticizing my dreams

I have to dream from now on with your permission
Happy dreams only
What?
Are you a broadway critic
Happy musicals only please
e are tourists on a holiday from our killing husbands
and shitty household chores
Happy musical please

Well life is not a happy musical
Its full of shit
And dangerous shit
And that dangerous shit reveals itself in the darkness
Darkness of the night
It comes at night
"At night it comes the shadow."
Tat was the title of a performance piece I once wrote
It was my favorite title

Yes, I am morbid
And I never see you
Because of that
Aren't you happy with happy people?
So leave us singing melancholic songs on the avenues alone

So this guy, the singer was very good
And every one was quietly walking and listening
And he was some time facing the crowds
While still walking
And some times his back was towards us
He seemed handsome with dark hair
Dark hair, pretty handsome people with dark hair

Many women now going for blond hair
Women are very affected by blond hair
They have some complex of white and black race
Race is everything
Race is all
When one goes for job interviews, (Not me, I don't go for no interviews girl )
I don't work
Yes, I don't
And no more personal questions

Why is this your problem how I pay my bills?
As long as you don't have to pay them
Then don't ask questions….
I told you I don't work
OK?
Just leave it at that
Ok?
Ok. then.

So we were walking on the avenue and then all of a sudden there
Was this huge table
Full of trays with green food
No it was not kale
I know kale
Kale is a friend of mine
And that was no kale

It was more like a paste
Green, paste
No, nit like avocado.
I also know avocado
And that was no avocado
No one was eating it
They were just looking at it
Maybe it was a prop
Maybe we were in a movie
On a movie set
On the avenue
And the singer was the only actor with a speaking part
Rest of us were all extras
Just marching
To enhance the scene
For are good for something after all
Enhancement
Thats good
Thats a very good word. "Enhancement"
So we were enhancing the atmosphere by just looking at that
Tray
Tray full of green cream………………..

What is it?
I asked my invisible partner
'I don't know"
He said annoyingly
'But still, What do you think it is?"
'What the else would I know?"  "I didn't taste."  He said
'No, don't taste it.  Its poison. You will die>"
"If you taste it, you will die."  I said
"We are already dead, sweetheart, we are already dead."
"weren't you part of the funeral march?" he said
"We were marching in our own funeral and the melancholic songs were sung for us."
He said.

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND THEN i LOST THE SCRIPT
THEY PUT IT IN THE GARBAGE BIN

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

HER NAME WAS NICOLE
SHE WAS FROM fRANCE WHO HAS LIVED IN aMERICA FOR SOME TIME
AND THEN GONE BACK
nOW VISITING AGAIN
wITH AN OLDER MAN/BOYFRIEND
i SUPPOSE
WHO IS PUSHING HER TO MOVE BACK TO THE sTATES
AND SHE IS AGGRAVATED WITH THE SUGGESTION
AND TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK
ITS THE RIGHT IDEA AT TIS TIME….

There was another scenario going on at the same time
There was a Edward Norton look alike person/actor?
Trying to investigate in a building behind Nicole and all of us
If there was drug smuggling/gambling/or murder of some
Sort was going on

He was peeping through a curtain into the window of the building
I was thinking of both scenarios which would end in disaster
One quite soon with Ed Norton involved and the other with
Nicole being pushed into a decision not her own

I knew or thought that the man/boyfriend of Nicole was only
Interested in a green card
The visa to be a permanent resident here
I thought  or knew that he was hustling Nicole and
She should not do anything she doesn't want to do

And I myself felt the pressure of men
How they can force you into choices you don't want
To make….

And then the scenario shifted
A young woman whom I know and love in life
Who has a difficult life

Gets offered a beautiful room
A big room
Like someone's master bed room
All decorated in French design
With French covers on the bed
Very tasteful and elegant curtains and flowers
And the whole scenario of a dream come true

She was telling me in the dream that an Iranian
Man, must be so very rich from the times of Shah of Iran
Who lived here in NYC, (They brought the oil money with them from Iran)
During the revolution and some of them actually stayed in Plaza hotel
When they came here, (I read that somewhere)
I read a lot, all garbage and maybe some of my awful dreams are
Result of all that mumbo Jumbo….

But this particular dream didn't seem awful and I wanted it to continue
And it did…..

She told me that this Iraninan man owns a town house and he gave her the furnished
Huge bedroom with three beds in it and all the rest of the comforts provided
No strings attached…..

I told her that she was in the best neighborhood
I thought she was on Gay street in the West Village
and there was a cafe next to her door called,  "Anyway" cafe and the
Washington square park was also right outside her window

But still in my dream I thought I was wrong because
If you are on Gay street you won't be able to see Washington park from the window
But perhaps she was on the corner of west 4th street from
where she could see the park
But then I knew there was no cafe called, "Anyway" cafe near 4th street
That cafe is on Gay street

But still my debate and confusion about the cafe and
The street didn't matter much
BECAUSE THE DREAM WAS NOT AWFUL
IT WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE DREAM
AND I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END

But it went some where else
Some drowning or choking or killing or Jihad or some thing
And I didn't want to sleep any more
And I couldn't wake up either
So I was struggling to not sleep any longer in case it takes me somewhere
in an awful zone as usual
but at the same time struggling to sleep more to know what happened to this nice young woman with a room i a nice street in the West Village…….
But then the dog barked
And barked
And barked
Was that another awful dream beginning?
Or what?

It was the neighbors awful dog
Awful dog
Awful dog

I am afraid of that dog while I am awake
AI am afraid of that dog while I am asleep…………...

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

We were in the elevator
Me and another person
i think a man
We were in the opposite corners of the elevator
Not saying anything to each other as usual
Strangers are not supposed to talk to each other
Neither in a dream nor in life
So we were just quiet
And waiting

It seemed like a long time
In the elevator
I was only going to the fourth floor
I don't know which floor the other person was going to
I think the second person in the elevator was a man
Doesn't really matter if the person was a man or a woman
Doesn't matter
Nothing matters
One doesn't talk to any one any more
We live in a civilized society
Do we not?

Yes, we do
We live in a very civilized society
Only civilized society has elevators
In which people huddle together silently
Only hating each other
But never talking to each other
But that makes sense
Why would any one who hate
Should talk
Hate is amazing
It can be very powerful in its silence

When hate speaks
There occurs violence
Hate had been so silent for so long
That it bursts up into smithereens of violence
Its better if people, 'Civilized." people just hate
Each other silently
Thats the best plot
Silence
Remain silent
And then get off the elevator
And then mutter to yourself,
;I hate the human race."
But silently
To yourself only

Talk to only yourself
Murmur only to yourself
Not very loud
Thats what ,"Murmur" means
So very silently express hate
Towards the human race
You are allow dot do that
No violation of freedom of speech then
Only when you hate the world openly
You are causing offense

Some times not even offense
Sometimes you cause nothing but hating someone openly, loudly
It depends who you are hating
Thats the most important element in the story
In any story
In any popular story
And there always a popular story

So one can never tell who one is hating in the elevator
And in this case there were only two people
I the elevator
Me and him
On two opposite sides of the elevator
Waiting patiently to get out
Thats what we are all doing
Or some of us are doing
Especially me
We have so much patience
Our parents told us to be patient

Patient till you die
'Be patient child, be patient."
Always patient
Patient for insults
Patient for humiliation
Patient for injustice
Patient for being ignored
Patient for being dismissed

When is this elevator going to reach the fourth floor
Its been a long time
Its been so long that I have been in this elevator
With a stranger
Quietly staring at each other
Behaving as we are not staring
Looking here and there
Behaving
Always behaving under any circumstances

Elevator is not moving
Not moving at all
Not moving at all
'Oh! the elevator is not moving."
We say to each other
We talk
We talk to eat other
Only during a catastrophe we , the civilized ones." talk to each other
"Elevator is not moving
Lets get out
We press the first floor
The door doesn't open
We press the fourth floor
The door doesn't open
We press all floors
The elevator door doesn't open
Neither the elevator
Moves up or down
Nor the door opens so we can get out
We are stuck
Tats what always happens in the dreams
I am always stuck
Some where, somehow, stuck
While asleep
Stuck while awake
Stuck…..
Glue is too strong
Stuck walking
Stuck sleeping
Stuck while wide awake
Am I ever awake?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I had too catch a plane
I had to get to the airport
I was frantic
I couldn't find my passport
I couldn't find my passport
I couldn't find my passport

What are you without your passport
Especially when you have to take a journey abroad
When you have to get to a plane
When you have to get to the airport

I was stark naked
I couldn't find any clothes
No pants
No blouse
No skirt
No dress

I was stark naked
And I had to get to the airport
To go somewhere
Somewhere
To a foreign country
What for?
To destroy myself
To become a foreigner
To become an alien
In an alien society

So why so frantic to find the passport ?
Why even go ?

Had no sense of the journey
No sense of purpose
Just concentrated on finding the passport
Finding some clothes to wear
And get to the airport
To a plane
Which will take
Me to a foreign country

Where all my dreams will come true
But this was a dream too
Perhaps turning into a night mare
Getting out of the room seemed like the crucial thing
Can't go out naked though
Police will arrest you
There is no country in the world one can go out stark naked

No matter which democracy
You can't go out naked
Stark naked
No clothes
No underwear
No top
Unbelievable
Unheard of
No country will allow it

Liberal country
Or a conservative country
No one will allow you to go out naked in the street
Still desperately looking for the passport
Can't find it
Maybe its a good idea
Stay where ever you are
Thats the yellow brick road to nirvana
Your own room
Your own house
Your own town

No But I must get to the airport
To the plane
On to the plane
Out of here
Into a new dream land
In my dream I never found the dreamland
And when I woke up
I was sweating
My heart was panting
I was breathless
I was sweating
Sweat poring off my pajamas

I was in the dreamland
Real dream world
Free world
Of democracy
How did I get to that plane
Without the passport?
How did I get to the airpot naked?
How did that happen?

Now I was awake
And my terror of a different kind began
The usual terror of the day
Continued from the night
Now where do I go with my passport from here?
I know exactly where it is?
Its in my drawer with other important documents
I know where it exactly is
But where do I go from here with it?

What purpose will it serve?
Which job will I get with it?
And where?
Which freedom is waiting for me?
And where?

I am now fully clothed
Now I can freely go out
But where?
The same coffee shop?
To do what?
To have coffe
Is that the purpose of my passport?
Purpose of me taking such a long and difficult trip
After all the nightmares ?
Just to go for a coffee
Every day

If the coffee was great
That would be another story
Maybe a bit happy story
But after all the heart attacks
And nightmares
A luke warm coffee?
Is that it?
Is that it?
Is that it?

Coffee in a dreamland
After the nightmare
No other purpose
No other destination
Just a luke warm coffee in an expansive coffee shop
Is that it?

I wish the night mare stayed a bit longer
At least I was in my own town during the nightmare
Stark naked but I was in my own room.
Why am I wearing a sweat shirt?
Why?

What's the meaning of a sweat shirt?
"Sweat?"  "Shirt?"

Sweat in a shirt?
Why could I have sweated naked?
Why I had to buy a freedom "Sweat shirt" to sweat in it?

The nightmare continues
The terror continues
Dream is terror stricken
Terror of the soul
In exile
In my dream I am always in exile
And I am always in exile when I am awake
Awake and asleep his the same thing
Like the same coffee shop
The same coffee shop
The same coffee shop…………………..

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was a dark alley
I had to go through it
Go through it to get to the other side
Into the light
The light was only on the other side
I needed the light
I was so much in the dark
Life was happening on the other side of this dark alley

But there were ominous figures at the entrance
At the mouth of that ugly alley
I just needed to go through it to get to the other side
So I could breath
Right now my breath was stuck in my throat
With the fear that if I don't get out of this zone
The war zone
I will be torn into pieces

But the people at the entrance of the alley weren't budging
Standing still with something dangerous in their hands
What was it?
I couldn't tell
Knives maybe?
Sticks maybe/
Base ball bats maybe?
Guns maybe?

I couldn't tell
But they were staring at me
Saying something with their eyes
'You think we are going to let you get through?"
'you must be kidding."
I wasn't kidding
Neither were they
What will happen next?

I will rot on this side of the town
Without an escape
Without any purpose
The purpose of life
Is on the other side
Thats what I thought
I was desperate
I was terrifying

Those people protecting the passage to the other side
Were terrifying
We were at a stand still

Everything was dark and silent
It was night time
It had to
Dreams only come at night time
But it was night time in the dream

The light was shinning on the other side
I could see the tiny ray of light through the darkness

All of a sudden
Those people with sticks disappeared
Couldn't believe it
There was no one at the entrance
The passage was clear
Clear of all danger

I started to walk
Little steps at a time
Little, little steps at a time
Then I was walking faster
Faster and faster
Towards the light
Towards the other side

And here I was
I was on the other side
And all of a sudden the
The same people with base ball bats appeared
They were there
All of a sudden
They were there
Staring at me exactly the same way
In a same horrifying manner

And all the light suddenly went out
It became totally dark
On this side of the tunnel as well
Dark as hell
Dark as hell
Dark as hell
And the satan guarding the door
I could run back to the other side of the tunnel
I could
But I couldn't move
I was cemented to the ground
There was no escape

The other side of the tunnel had already disappeared
There was no entrance
There was no exit
There was no door
To enter or to leave
I was stuck
And the danger was starring at my face
Always the danger
Always the danger
No escape
No escape ever…………………….

THESE AWFUL DREAMS CONTINUES

THESE AWFUL DREAMS CONTINUES

And then I saw a woman in all red
Across the street
Far away
Staring at me
Ominous
Staring fixedly

Reminded me of the scene from the movie
"Don't look now."
That red cad figure from the movie
Always frightened me
I have seen the movie so many times
And I always covered my eyes
When the figure appeared

In the dark corners and alleys of Venice
Very haunting
Calling Donald Sutherland
Towards his death
Or maybe Julie Chrisit's death
I forget now
I haven't seen the movie
In a very long time
I have to watch it again

I think it was Julie who saw her own death
Her own funeral
I don't remember
But in the dream
When I saw the figure/woman/short
All in red staring at me
From a distance
I thought of the movie
"Don't look now."

I clearly remember that
And I also remember that I knew that
She/the figure/in red represented death
So I thought that I won't go the way
She was going
I will go the other way

She was going towards the right side of the street
I thought
Ok, then I will go to the left side of the street
So she turned
And then I turned
She turned to the right
I turned to the left
Then what happened?

I don't know
I don't remember
I didn't look back
I didn't want to
I was scared to look back
In case she turned around and was
Following me…………………………

I kept going
I didn't look back
Maybe she was behind me
Maybe she disappeared
Maybe she wasn't there

But I clearly saw a red clad
Figure looking exactly like the one from the movie
'Don't look now."
Staring at me
Staring at me from a distance
But really staring at me
And no one else

There were another
People in the street
But she was only staring at me
Her red color was very sharp
So was her stare
Then she turned
And then I turned
I turned to the left
She to the right
Maybe she left me for some time

Maybe she will come around another corner
On the left side of the street
Where I turned to escape her
Maybe that was the trick
Maybe…..
But I was glad
That I lost her for a while

But I wasn't sure
Maybe she sneaked behind me
I never looked back
I was afraid
I was terrified
I had such terror walking on the left side of the street
Was that the right choice?
Turning to the right?
Was that the right choice?
Should I have turned to the left?

But she was turning to the left side
Was that a trick to catch me eventually
On the left sid eof the street?
I don't know
I couldn't think
I won't dare
I was terrified
Stricken with fear
Stricken with terror

Yes, it was terror
Always the terror
Always the terror
Terror while I am asleep
Terror while I am awake
Waking up from the terror
Terror continues
Terror remains while you are awake…………………………...

AWFUL DREAM CONTINUES

AWFUL DREAM CONTINUES

He was playing a doctor
She was playing a nurse
I was….
I was?
I forget
I was playing something
I was playing a leading lady
A patient?
No
A leading lady
A mental patient
No
A leading lady

But what was the character of the leading lady?
I forget
I know
I was playing something
A somebody
An important somebody

Its very important to play a somebody
An important somebody
So I was playing that some one
That somebody….
And then some one dies

Dies in the dream
In that awful dream
That awful dream which comes every night
Every night without fail
It comes every night

Then some one is being taken away from their apartment
Apartment full of colorful clothes…..
It seems like Marilyn Monero
But it wasn't
She was some one else

Maybe Blanche from
Street car named desire
But I couldn't tell
I know it was a woman
Who was being taken away

I couldn't really see her fully
But I saw a shadow
A shadow of a woman
Standing and watching her own demise
While all her colorful clothes were being thrown out

And she , her shadow was watching all her colorful clothes being thrown away

I didn't see them taking her away
The dream shifted to another scenario
I was told that the doctor was dead
I was told as if the actor who was playing

the doctor was dead
It seems like we were in a play
What part was I playing?
I don't know
But I was for sure playing some role
Without any title
And that seemed like a problem
Because there was no title
Title of the role I was playing

My role was tittles
But I was playing it
I know I was
Because I was getting ready for it
Getting dressed
I was in an attic
And I used to just fall from the attic
Through a sliding pipe right down below

Below on the stage
Or whatever it was called in the awful dream
But I remember that I couldn't slide down through the pipe
I was struggling
Struggling and holding on to something
And that something I was holding on to

Was leaving my grip
My grip was becoming weaker and weaker
And I was hearing that the doctor was dead
He had a heart attack or something
And he was dead

I thought that the show will be cancelled
But then I saw the nurse, some one, a woman playing the nurse
Coming along in a white nurse;s uniform
So I knew that the show was not cancelled
And I knew that I had to come down on to the stage

It seems like every one was ready except me
Me and the doctor who was dead
And while I was trying to slide down the chimney
Or whatever its as that I was sliding down from
And I remembered that it used to be very smooth

Sliding down the chimney
Right on the stage
And all of a sudden I couldn't do it today
And then I found another way
I didn't fall right on the stage like usual
But I got stuck somewhere in between

From where I would ave to be taken down by someone
And then on to the staircase
And then on to the stage
But there was no one there
No one to get me unstuck
And take me down on to stage

And all of a sudden I remember what part I was playing
And before I got anywhere I suddenly forgot again
Forgot the part I was playing
The lines…..
I mean
The lines
Won't come to me
Neither the beginning, nor the end

No nothing
No beginning and no end
No words
Maybe I was playing a silent part
Maybe I wasn't playing a partBut why was I here?

Maybe I was a stage manager
But I wasn't
Because stage managers don't get dressed before the play begins
They come to the theater already dressed up
Only actors dress
Only actors get ready before e the curtain

And then I thought of the shadow of the lady who was
taken away
Perhaps I was that lady
The shadow of that lady
The lady who was taken away

But I must not be that lady who was taken away
Because I was still here
And she was taken away
And II was still here….
But where?
Where was I?

Why the doctor died?
And who will take his part?
If the play is still going on
Someone will have to take that part
For the play to go on
Maybe I will take that part

Part of the doctor
I  was a doctor in real life
Yes?
Yes.
And then/
Then I was not?
So your life wasn't real then?

What do you mean?
I mean that you were a doctor and then you were not
It doesn't seem real
No that part was real
Me playing the doctor on stage is not real

Are you playing the doctor?
I don't know but the real doctor is dead
Is there a real doctor here?
Who is sick?
I meant the doctor in the play
The actor who was playing the doctor is dead

There is no doctor here
We are all players
What part are you playing?
I don't know
You don't?
No I don't
So how can you play a part when you don't know
What part are you playing?

I know.  That is the problem
If I am playing the doctor
Them I have to begin with the different lines
Different than the leading lady
Who is the leading lady?
I am not sure

But I think the lady they took away
Which lady?
The lady who had too many colorful clothes
Why did they take her away?
I don't know
I think they didn't like her clothes

You mean the costume?
Yes, the costume.
But how come they didn't like the costume
While its them who gave it to her.
I know its strange
Nothing makes any sense
Theater is strange any way

You are playing a part
And you don't know the part
You don't know the lines
Thats all you have to do in the theater
Know your lines
And once you are down the chimney onto the stage
You have to spit out those lines as fast as possible

Or as slow as possible
It all depends on the director
Some day he says."YOu were too fast with the lines."
Some day he says,' You were too slow with the lines."
'Pick it up."
"You are dropping it."
He says

"What am I dropping?"
"Onions?"
Are we selling vegetables?
No, we are vegetables
Soaking wet, limping, dead vegetables

"Places"
Some one shouts
"I am definitely in a play"
No one says, "Places" otherwise
I am in a play
And I have no idea
What part am I playing?

What's my first line?
What's my first line?
What's my first line?

I panic
Panic is the beginning of terror
I panic
If I remember the first line the rest will come
If a  good actor was around he would help me
Bring my memory around
Give me around
Give me a hint for me to remember
Then I would remember
Then I would go on

Go on with the play
But there is no good actor around
They are all parrots
They repeat their lines like parrots
Every evening
No memory of any one else's lines

No.  No memory of any other players lines
Thats a bad actor
Who doesn't know other actors lines
Good actors learn the whole script
They know every one's lines
Thats how they help each other

I must be a bad actor
I don't even remember my own lines
But my case is different
I suffer from amnesia
At-least right now
In my nightmare
I have amnesia in my nightmare

Maybe my dream is about that I develop amnesia in my dream and don't remember
anything
But the terror of the dreams is that you don't know that its a dream
So you must know that you have amnesia
As an actor
And that frightened you

No the death of the doctor frightened me
Now we lost an actor
And he was a good one
He was a real good actor
He would have helped me remember my lines
The doctor died
Now who is going to cure us?
Who is going to cure me?
If the doctor was alive they would have never
Taken the shadow of the lady away'That beautiful
Lady with colorful clothes

Perhaps she was playing Blanche
Perhaps she was Blanche
And her being taken away made me forget all my lines
Why did they take her away?
She was mad
Who says so?
The playwright

The playwright in his play said that Blanche was mad
And was taken to a mental institution
Oh!  My!  I am glad I am not in that play
How do you know?
How do you know?
How do you know?

I know
What do you know?
I know I am not in that play
Then you must be mad in real life
But I was having an awful dream
Maybe in your dream you were mad

And in my life?
I don't know
You don't know?
No, I don't
Why not?
Because its you who is mad

You need to know
You need to know yourself
I have known for years
But I didn't want to hurt your feelings
Your dreams are now telling you what I never told you
Listen to your dreams

Listen to your awful dreams
All the answers lie in your own dreams

THESE AWFUL DREAMS CONTINUES

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

Three rooms
In one dogs barking
Dogs being mutilated
Some one else being mutilated
Blood
Blood everywhere

People with daggers

In the middle room
Awe
Shock
Feeling of desperation
Want to escape the carnage in the first room
But in order to escape
Have to go through the first room
with barking dogs
with mutilated dogs
with mutilated others
vague kind of others

the third room
some one sleeping
some one awake
some one familiar
someone not so familiar
some one frightened

some one trying to hear
what's going on in the first room
no one knows any one
some one torturing
someone being tortured
need to get out of the middle room
but how?
how?
how?

Tremendous desperation ….
No escape
no escape
never an escape
need to escape
No escape

The scene changes
Outdoors
Some one clowning around
A man
Along lost friend
Running around in circles

I run behind him
In circles
Lets go
Lets go
Lets go

I scream
Lets go
Lets go
Have a drink
Lets go have a drink
The long lost friend doesn't hear
Doesn't hear
Hears but doesn't respond
Perhaps
Doesn't hear

He is no longer your friend
Remember
Both of you had a fight
An ugly fight
An un-necessary fight
Totally un-called for

Heat of the moment
Everyone
Becomes evil
Yes
Evil
We all become evil

No he won't help you escape from the middle room
He is running around in circles himself
Just the shape of the room is changed
He can't help you escape
He himself is trapped
It was his fault also
The fight

No both of you are trapped
Both of you can't escape from this room
Where the killer with the knife will enter soon
If you have been nice to each other in the past
You wil help each other escape

Sweat
Heat
The fear
The crippling fear
The terror
The terror of the soul

While awake
While sleeping
Terror
Always terror
Where is it coming from?
Why?

Why its always there?
What happened
While you were awake?
What happened?
While you were sleeping

Did your long lost friend take you for a drink?
No
Why not?
He didn't recognized me
I didn't recognized him
Everything was opaque
Vague
Shadowy
If we didn't have any fight

We would have gone for a drink
But how?
We were trapped in a room
With dogs in the next room
Dogs which were ominous
And not ominous at the same time
Dogs were being mutilated
There was blood
Lots of blood

The killer was going to enter
Enter the room I was in
Any minutes
I wanted to wake the people in the next room
I wanted to tell them to get out

They were waking up
They were confused
They weren't understanding my words
They didn't know what was going on
They didn't know who they were

I wanted to escape
There was no way
The killer was in the next room
And the exit was through that room
I saw the blood
It was a dream
thats hat I wished
But

The dream was evil
the dream was un-ending
The dream was full of terror
It should not be called a dream
It was a nightmare
It comes
The nightmare
Every night
In different shapes and forms

Its like a very sincere, loving lover
The lover who comes every night
And frighten you
But what kind of a lover is this?
Lovers must not frighten
Love is not frightening

Thats what I learnt when I was a child
I was always frightened
And some one told me
You are loved
You shouldn't be frightened

Was I loved when I was a child?
Then why am I so frightened?
Why my soul is terror stricken?
Was I loved when I was a child?

Was I?
Was I?
Was I?

Loved?

Loved when I was a child?

Yes, you were loved
Yes, you were loved
Yes, you were loved

Who are you to tell me that?

I am you
I was a child with you
I was the child who was loved

Then why these nightmares?
Why these evil dreams?

You are not being loved any more
The ones who loved you are dead.
Your mother
Your father loved you
And they are dead
They are not coming back
They are dead
Thats the terror

You will always have terror
Your mother
And your father are dead

No love like that exists
No, no love like that exists any more……………...

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS, MORE LIKE NIGHTMARES

This happens night after night
I am lost in my sleep
I am lost while I am awake as well
Perhaps thats why I am so lost in my dreams

I remember my dreams vivedly
I often wake up with a horrid feeling….
Again?
Again?
Again?

The same dream
The same nightmare
Can't find my passport
Can't get to the examination hall

Can't get to the station on time
The train is always leaving without me
I am always late
Because I can't find what I am looking for

In my dream that is
When I am awake
I am not looking
I have stopped looking

I have given up
I gave up before I started
In my dream I am always lost
Now I am lost when I am awake

Dream has taken over my day time
My night time was always taken by the dream
Now I dream during the day time
During the sun light I dream
The same dream

During the snow I dream
The same dream
I am lost
I am lost
I am lost

Can't find anything to wear
And I have to get to the examination hall
Always the examination hall
Always under some test
Always being questioned

Always afraid
Afraid of everything
Afraid of everyone
Always afraid

Last night in my dream
I am taking some flight to somewhere
I don't know where
But somewhere
I am going somewhere
In my dream
Last night

But where ?
I don't know
But its an airport
And I am going somewhere….

The guy at the counter
gives me the ticket
and my passport back
and then all of a sudden

He takes my ticket from me
As well as my passport
and my wallet as well
I still board the plane

Its an amazing aircraft
There are beds in their
With comfortable pillows
And nice white sheets

People are eating amazing food
Looks like huge portions of steamed scallops
children are playing
Avery rich and prosperous crowd is traveling in that plane

I see a nice fat lady reclining in her bed
I tell her, "They took my ticket away"
I tell her," They took my passport away"
I tell her,"They took my wallet away."

I am terrified
I am crying
I keep repeating, "THey took my wallet away."
I keep repeating," They took my credit card away."
'I have no money."  I keep saying

'Don't worry."  She tells me
'Don't worry. I have lots of money."
"You stay with me."  She says
"I will give you money "
"You stay with me."  "I have lots of money."

"Do you live in France?"
I ask her
"Do you live in France?"
She doesn't answer me
"Where are we going?"
She doesn't answer me

People keep eating huge plates of scallops
Children keep playing
Its seems like a very happy flight
I keep crying
"They took my wallet away."
I keep saying
"They took my credit card away."

I keep saying
"They took my passport away."
'Don't worry." she says
'You stay with me."
'I have lots of money"

'But how would I enter
Anywhere without a passport?"
i say….
'How would I enter without a passport?"
"They won't let me in without a passport?"

She doesn't answer
She doesn't say anything
She doesn't answer
She doesn't say anything to my question
"They won't let me enter without a passport."

She doesn't answer
I am terrified
I am terrified
I am terrified

I suddenly realize….
When I wake up
I suddenly realize…
All my nightmares are about terror

I have some kind of terror
Which terrifies me
during my sleep
It also terrifies me when I am awake
Its the terror
Thats for sure

About what?
I don't know
I would love to know
So I could perhaps heal myself

But I have no Idea why am I so terrified…
The dream of not being able to get to the examination hall in time
Started when I was a student
When I was a student
I was terrified of failing

Not taking the exam meant
that you lost a year
you didn't take the exam thus you lost a year
You failed in a way
You didn't show up for the test
The written test

The essay system
The annual exam
I was a perfect student
Always got an A
In every subject
Failing was out of the question

But that dream/nightmare has never left me
The terror of being late for the train
For the exam
For the plane
has never left me

In my dream I mean
But when I wake up
I have the terror
of failing
And the perfect knowledge that I have failed

"FAILED?"  "WHAT?"  Though…I have no Idea
But the dream has never failed not to return
Some nights in my dream
I have to go some place extremely important
And I am stark naked
And I don't have anything to wear
And I am terrified

Terrified
That I can't find any clothes to wear
And I just can't go out naked
And I have to be some place very very Important
And I am terrified

Then I wake up and
I am terrified
Terrified of my constantly terrifying dream
I am terrified

that perhaps
I will have a heart attack during my sleep
because of my terror
Terror of not getting anywhere
Terror of not finding

The most important thing
Thing that I am looking for………………..