"YOU CAN'T BE SECOND ON YOUR OWN LIST."

 "YOU CAN'T BE SECOND ON YOUR OWN LIST."

CAMUS'S, " CREATE DANGEROUSLY."

 I love Albert Camus.

I read him often.

I have lots of books by him. 

Yesterday I found one called, "CREATE DANGEROUSLY."

My books, like my writing,  my clothes,  my shoes,  my drawings are not in order...

So at times when I am not really looking I find something valuable which had been forgotten...

Then I leave everything and starts to look at the gems in my house..

So I found this book, " create dangerously." printed by Penguen modern which I bought for one

 Euro along with some other great books in Dublin in 2018. 

 Dublin is the city which breathes poetry and literature.

  You feel the greatest writers and poets walking and talking with you everywhere.

It'such a delight to be in the comany of Yeats,  Joyce,  Beckett,  Oscar Wilde and Sean O' Casey.

Books I like, I often go back to them. 

Yesterday I read this book agian.

Camus says, "The basic principle of creating is, 

"THE CREATOR'S FAIH IN HIMSELF."

Just this sentence helped me a lot. 

 I have so many doubts about myself as an artist/writer.  Doubts have

 increased with time in this commerce and success oriented society where artists often feeel like

 failures.

 So I promised myself that I will listen to Camus and have more faith in myself. 

We will see how long it will last.

Camus also reffered to Emerson who said, 

" A MAN'S OBEDIENCE TO HIS OWN GENIUS

IS FAITH IN ITS PUREST FORM."

He mentioned another American writer of nineteenth century who said, 

" SO LONG A MAN IS

, FAITHFUL TO HIMSELF, 

 EVERYTHING IS IN HIS FAVOR,  GOVERNMENT,  SOCIETY, 

THE VERY SUN,  MOON,  AND STARS. " Such amazing optimism seems dead today."

                                                                     

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

"In all these 16 hours he has nothing whatsoever

To do but cultivate his body,  his soul and his country men,

During those hours he is free.  He is not a wage earner,

Not preoccupied  with monetary cares.  He is just as good

As a man with private income. 

Whether he has private income or not,  he has an attitude

That he does.  Attitude is everything."?

--------

"Take  precautions against the risk and the loss of your time.

You have a sure risk of it's loss." ?

---------------

"Do not expect

Do not expect

Do not expect any thing

From anybody..."

-------------

"Exit,  exit,  exit

Exit watching the news.

All of rotten news On CNN,  MSNBC,  FOX...

Do any damn thing but that...Toxic,  toxic,

All of them...Do something else,  anything else,

Draw,  write,  read,   think,  cry,  laugh,  walk...

Any damm thing but watch tv...

------------

A NURSERY RHYME

C is for colonialism...

Rightly we boast...

That of all the great nations

Great Britain has the most." ?

________-

"Colonised always

Occupy less space

In the memory and 

The lives of Empire."  ??

---------------

"Watch everything

Listen to everything

With dispassion."?

___________

"No insight,

No analysis,

No opinion...no,

Offering of any kind,

Dispassion is the resolution."?

--------------

"Poverty---ah,

That is the trouble."  Gogol

JOURNALISTS

" They were fond of abusing

Everything...

And everybody...

Author begged the public

To defend him against them." Gogol

"I like being at the theater."  Gogol

---------------

"A corner of my own

In this big wide world."  BS

_______________-

"LUCKY YOU

YOU HAVE NO MEETING 

TO GO TO." BS

--------------

"He doesn't remeber me."  BS

DIARY OF A MAD ACTOR:

 DIARY OF A MAD ACTOR;

He doesn't remember me

He is mad....

But I remmeber him...

I am mad.

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES:

What would you like me to say?

You want me to say yes?

Or you want me to say no?

Which answer of mine will please you

You gentle people?

Let me know because my purpose in life

Is to please all of you...

You have been the only purpose in my life.

So why should it change now?

Which answer will please you?

Yes?

Or 

No?

---------------

Why do they need so much security?

24/7 they need security

Why?

Because they did horrible things to humanity

There is a lot of blood on their hands...

-------------

Today, Thursday Jan 8th what did I do when I woke up?

Made a cup of tea and took it to the computer

Checked emails.  Sent a message to my brother,  read a few useless articles

On line, NYT, etc, checked the weather,  made breakfast,  one scramble egg,

Little piece of toast.  Made the bed.  Did the dishes. THE SOURCES OF MY UN-HAPPINESS.

Came downstairs.  Went back to the lapop.  More messages,  family,  actress friend.

Did a bit of bicycle,  not very long. Took a shower,  got dressed. Talked on the phone.

Finally left the apt.

IT TOOK 4 HOURS JUST TO GET OUT...

THESE ARE THE SOURCES OF MY UN-HAPPINESS

1: Sitting at the computer

2: Having tea at the computer

3: Never leaving the apt early enough

4: Not having a regular schedule for my work.

BUT I NEVER CHANGE

I WANT TO...

SO BADLY...

BUT IT'S THE SAME STORY EVERY MORNING

GETTING WORSE BY THE MINUTE

---------------

EVERY EVENING

Watching too muc tv

All awful

MSNBC

CNN

FOX

All of them awful

I hate it

But I watch it

WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE?

1: Get up,  get dressed,  leave the apt early

Take the laptop with you

If you are addicted to the awful news you can look at some of the news but outside

Of your apt.  They depress me more when I am inside the apt.

2: try to re type plays one by one

3: put them on PDF 

I don't know how to do it

4: Learn

5: Did I not say that before so many times?

6: Exercise

7; Do not watch tv at night

8: Go to the theater more

Go to the museums more

Why live here in New York otherwise?

9: Long walks,  for the purpose of just going for a walk

10: No bread.  (Everyday I buy a bagett from Lafyette)

11: No chocolates.  (often eat Godiva)

YOU  ARE TOTALLY DEPRESSED?

ARE YOU?

SELF DESTRUCTION

WHY?

HATRED

SELF HATRED

WHY?

UN-HAPPY

HERE

WHY?

LOTS OF THINGS...

LEAVING MY COUNTRY FOR THIS SHIT

THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.

TOO MANY PROBLEMS HERE

FAR TOO  MANY

STUCK IN A PROFESSION, (If one can call it a profession) WHICH DOESN'T PAY NOR

 ACKNOWLEGE YOUR WORK, TOO ETHNIC...

UNLESS YOU ARE A FUCKING SUPERSTAR...

TOO MUCH SENSE OF INJURY...

TOO MUCH LONELINESS

NO CONTACT WITH ANY ONE,  ALL DAY,  EVERY DAY.

STUCK

DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE

WHERE TO BEGIN

CHANGE FOR BETTER

HOW?

DON'T KNOW

STUCK........

ARE YOU DEEPLY DEPRESSED?

MUST BE....

WHAT A SHAME!

WHAT A WASTE!

WHAT A WASTE OF LIFE!

WHAT A WASTE OF A PROMISING LIFE!

WHAT A WASTE OF INCREDIBLE TALENT!

---------------------

I's also very very depressing to live in a country where almost every one 

Hate muslims under the guise and excuse of ,"Radical Islam."

The govt's policies are all against Islam under the banner of labelling

everything as, ("Radical Islam)

They blame the current adminstration for hatred and bans on Muslim countries

While the previous govt's droned them to bits at least a dozen muslim countries

under the banner of, ("Radical Islam.)

It is very depressing

It depresses me

While I sit in expensive cafe's and sip my coffee and read the news.

Self hatred starts right there.

Helplessness starts right there in expensive cafe's

DO NOT READ THE NEWS

HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TOLD YOU TO NOT READ THE NEWS

BUT I DO

WHY?

WANT TO KNOW

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW?

WANT TO KNOW IF THEY HAVE STOPPED TODAY....

THEN I WONDER...

WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED TODAY?

WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED EVERY DAY?

WHY DON'T I STOP THIS VICIOUS CIRCLE OF HATE- AND MY SELF?

 SELF DESTRUCTION

GET OUT

WHERE TO?

STUCK

STUCK

STUCK....

WHY SHOULD I COME TO THIS FANCY CAFE AND BE DEPRESSED?

LOOK AT THE OTHER FANCY PEOPLE WHO ARE LAUGHING

AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES AND HATING TRUMP...

THEY ARE IN THE SAME CAFE

WHY ARE THEY NOT DEPRESSED?

THEY ARE NOT FROM MUSLIM COUNTRIES

THEY ARE NOT BEING DRONED TO BITS...

THEY JUST BLAME TRUMP FOR EVERYTHING

I THINK THE LAST GOVT DRONED MY HOME COUNTRY...

WHY ARE WE SO DEPRESSED?

WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED?

WHY CAN'T I CHANGE?

WHY AM I SELF DESTRUCTING?

WHY DO I HATE MYSELF?

WHY DO I COME TO THIS FANCY FRENCH CAFE EVERY DAY?

TO GET OUT OF DEPRESSION

THEN DON'T READ THE NEWS

DO NOT BRING THE LAPTOP WITH YOU...

JUST LAUGH LIKE OTHERS AND HATE TRUMP....

BUT I CAN'T

I AM DEPRESSED

I ACKNOWLEDGE MY DEPRESSION

GET OUT

CAN'T

GOT STUCK

-----------------------

WHY MY AMBITION

MY PASSION

MY DTERMINATION

MY DESIRE TO SUCCEED LIKE EVERYOE ELSE 

IN THIS AMERICA GOT SO STUNTED THAT IT'S ALMOST

PARALYZED...

WFHY HAVE I LOST THE HOPE AND WILL TO GET AHEAD?

WHY AM I ENGULFED WITH THE FEELING OF HATRED OF ME BY 

 EVERY ONE ELSE AND BY MY OWN SELF?

SOMEHOW YOU NEED TO BRING SOME SENSE OF LOVE FOR YOURSELF...

EVERYTHING ELSE IS JUST GARBAGE...

DO NOT ATTACH TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE TO THE STINKY SMELL

OF GARBAGE...

DO NOT BE TOO SENSITIVE...

DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY...

JUST BEGIN TO LIKE YOURSELF

ACTUALLY NOT ONLY LIKE YOURSELF

BUT LOVE YOURSELF...

BESIDE EVERYTHING NASTY THROWN AT YOU

JUST LOVE YOURSELF

TRY...

YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED BEFORE.

TRY NOW...YOUR FANCY CAFE AND REPEAT 100 TIMES

"I LOVE MYSELF.'

"I LOVE MYSELF."

"DRESS UP,  PUT SOME LIPSTICK ON AND SAY OUT LOUD,

"I LOVE MYSELF.'

'I LOVE MYSELF."

THAT MIGHT DISTURB THE FANCY PEOPLE IN THE CAFE?

GO AHEAD...

DISTURB THEM...

THAT'S THE ANSWER.

"GET UNSTUCK AND DISTURB PEOPLE

LIKE THEY HAVE DISTURBED YOU ALL THESE YEARS.

GO AHEAD

"DISTURB THEM."

"TRANSFER YOUR DISTURBANCE TO THEM."

AND

"KEEP REPEATING, I LOVE MYSELF."

"I LOVE MYSELF.'

YOUR SELF RESPECT WILL COME BACK

AND YOUR LONELINESS WILL VANISH

SO WILL YOUR POWERLESSNESS........

THAT WILL VANISH AS WELL.

PROMISE?

I PROMISE...

SWEAR

I SWEAR

LIFE WILL CHANGE?

YOUR LIFE WILL COMPLETELY CHANGE

YOU WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE FROM NOW ON...

PROMISE?

PROMISE...

PROMISE AGAIN

I PROMISE AGAIN AND AGAIN...

THANK YOU

YOU ARE WELCOME...

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES, (AN IMMIGRANT)

Do not talk politics

Do not write about politics

Politics is just politics

It's total waste of your time and talent.

You must have learnt that by now.

Especially for an immigrant,  it's totally devastating

To talk about politics.

The most difficult and heart breaking thing is to immigrate

For whatever reason...

In my case,

What was the reason?

Stupidity...I guess

No reason

Just an urge for dislocation and destruction

Not knowing it 

Obviously not knowing it at all...

One never expects the heart breake till the time comes...

Till the damage is done...

The idea of politics in the first world is to

Keep the empire going...

The immigrant is usually from the third world

And is right away looked down upon...

And if one talk about politics...

One is never taken seriously and is always told

"TO GO BACK IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY."

ONE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW ONE'S UNHAPPINESS

IT'S A HAPPY COUNTRY

SUPPOSEDLY....

But the heart break of the immigrant continues

And after a long time you realize

That your heart has been slowly breaking

And now it's fully broken.

you immigrate to for what ever reason...

Now you have no home land

And a fully broken heart...

Heart in a thousand little pieces...

The country you immigrate to

For whatever reason, 

Freedom, Expression of your thoughts,

Resistence to what seems wrong,

Adventure...

Mostly impossibel...

Perhaps ok for whoever comes here for money

Can make tons of it...

But they are not worried about what's wrong in the world

And why humanity is suffering from the acts of

Empires...

They are thinking money and money comes

Mostly by illegal means

Especially when you become a millionaire or even billionairs

On the broken backs and broken dreams of others...'

Others who are people of conscious...

But otherwise after living here for decades,

It suddenly and (maybe not so suddenly) hits you,

That you had been afraid of an un-known

And a vague fear of being a total outsider,

Of not being liked for one reason or the other,

Of not belonging, never belonging

And now all of a sudden this tremendous feeling of fear

That you might never be able to leave this country

Which is still so foreign to you

Their ways, their language, their politics

You might never be able to go back to the country

You came from...

No home left there for you...

And even you go for a visit by some good luck,

You might not be able to come back...

Come back to where you have lived for decades...

There is a ban at the border, at the customs,

At the port of entry...for certain religions...

Now what must you do?

There is an ocean in between the country you already left

And the country who don't allow you back in...

Ban, a ban, a ban, a ban on you...

No matter how much trauman you might have suffered here

In your new country, the ban is the biggest trauma

On your psyche because it is because of your religion...

I keep wondering...

Should I pack my important tthings in suitcases,

My writing, my drawings, some special scarves,

Letters from my deceased parents,

Things attached to my memories...

Should I pack those things in huge suitcases,

In huge trunks in case they don't let me back in,

Then my husband perhaps will be able to ship them

But ship them where?

The country I left behind...

The country I went to visit...

But where will i store all my suitcases?

I don't have a home back home...

I am worried that if I don't pack my important memory in those trunks...

He won't know what to pack?

Those are not his memories

He won't be able to locate them...

I must pack before I leave...

I might not be allowed back in...

There is a ban at the border...

My husbanfd would be too heart broken to pack my things

He loves me...

But they won't let me in...

So in order to make my American husband's life easier

I must pack everything precious to me before I go to visit

My ailing sister...

I must do that

Because they might not let this immigrant in from a certain country

With a certain religion...

This was never my home

This was never my country

Otherwise why won't they let me back in?

MANHATTAN DAYS

 MANHATTAN DAYS

"I question everye thing,

I believe it's a responsibility to do it." Gabrial Byrne

"If you lose your curiosity about the world,

You are in danger of in a some small way, kind of dying." G.B

"Hollywood,  It's a ridiculous place to want to be accepted.

Like going to a hardware store and looking for a pizza."  GB

"The oil that keep the industry moving is bullshit."  GB

"Going back home?  An immigrant thing-

Too much water under the bridge. 

But he is still there in his head anyway." GB

---------------

"LIBERTY WILL PERISH AND WE WILL DESPAIR...

THE WORLD LOOKS LIKE IT RIGHT NOW."  BS

--------

"Shakespeare has tragedy,  comedy,  fairyland,  hymn,  farce,

Grand divine,  laughter,  terror and horror,  and to say all in one word,  the drama.

No possibility fails him."  Victor Hugo

---------------

'The poet is only limited by his aim." Victor Hugo

"The poet move, strikes,  then exalts or depresses often in inverse ratio to what you expect???

"Shakespeare is fertility,  force,  euberance,  the overflowing beast,

The whirlwind scattering germs,  universal rain of life,  everything by thousands,

Everything by millions,  no reticence,  no binding,  no ecoe sourcehomy,  the inordinate,

And tranquil prodigality of the creator." Victor Hugo

'Shakespeare is the source of dazling wonders- at every turn,  contrast,

At every turn,  light and darkness."

"The poet,  we have said,  is nature,  immense.  Not discrete,  not reserved,

Not sparing,  simply magnificant."  Victor Hugo

---------------------

'The strongest means of attacking vice is by exposing it to

The laughter of the world."  Moliere

-------------

'I should write in my own house,  in an uncivilzed region,

Where no one assists me or stimulates me,  where I seldom

meet a man  who understands the latin of his

 pater Noster and who doesn't know French even less

I should have done it better o,  but 

Work would have been less mine,

 And its chief aim and perfection is to be precisely mine.

I have done what I desired to do, 

Everyone recognises me in my book and my book in me."  Montaigne

'I AM VERY SORRY YOU LAY SO MUCH STRESS ON SUCH TRIFLES." Racine

-------------

"Roll it down the hill."  ?

------------------

"Indolence and lassitude steal away from me."  Sir Walter Scott

"But day must have night- Vigilance must have sleep-

And labour, bodily or mental must have rest." 

"Many people will think that because I see company easily-

my pleasure depend on society,  but this is not the case;

I am by nature a very lonely animal and enjoy myself much

at getting rid from a variety of things connected with public,

Business etc, which I did because they were fixed on me

but I am particularly happy to be rid of."

"This leaves me little time for any thing save exercise

Which I will not give up for wealth or fame."

"The success has been hitherto more than our

warmest calculations anticipated." Sir Walter Scott

"FIND A WAY."

Create during chaos.

Make time for chaotic creation

Nothing else to do?

Create...

Do something

Do something new...

Create

Create something un-usual

Create under all kinds of circumstances...

Creat...

Create you must.

Find a way..."  BS

--------------------

"TALK TO ME LIKE THE RAIN

AND LET ME LISTEN.:         Tennessee Williams

This play is about loneliness

Desolation

The feeling of being stuck somewhere

Delirium of

 People and things...

 Inherently broken

of escapism and the ways we subject ourselves

And the people around us to destruction in search of

Remedy that can alleviate the pain,  intimacy

And the comfort that comes with it." ?

-----------------

"I am staying put come what may"...Strindberg

_________--

"It's knowing how to endure

to bear one's cross to keep faith."  Chekhov

"And when I think of my vocation,

I stop fearing life."

__________-

"Flee the isolation and loneliness

In order to establish themselves as individuals

And artists in their ow right,"  ?

"You talk obsessively about someone else,

any one else,  never particularly one person

but all useless persons. That is one of your fatal flaw.

"Get rid of it-" ?

"It's nothing but destruction and demolition

Of your time. Why is that? "  ?

-----------

"I WONDER AND WONNDER AND I WONDER...

Whatever the hell happened in your childhood

That you crave other's attention?

Others who sadly don't mean much to you."  BS

--------------

"The web of associations between past and present

Circulate in your mind.?" ?

----------

"Don't always behave as a frightened wounded bird-

You are a grown up.  Bird or not-grown up adult-bird-

Behave like one."  ?

------------------

"Have strong belief in yourself- thats the only thing

Which will keep you going.

Endure and accept."  ?

"Character's positive renewal of strength

Is the best performance in life." ?

" Lethargy and boredom is from having

No purpose in life." ?

---------------

" Restless grey shadows who do nothing

But eat, drink. sleep and talk in stupid cliches."  Chekhov's Uncle Vanya

"My con-science would catch me."  

"Explore the dejection and disillusinment of

A whole host of characters."  Uncle Vanya

------------

"Languorus."

I love this word

"LANGUORUS".  BS

---------

"She is a rival.

She is quite remote and keeps her distance,

From everyone else's plight." ?

-----------

"She can not think beyond the

Very next moment."   Dance of death by Strindberg.

---------------

"THE ACTOR MUST BE PREPARED TO GO

IN WHATEVER DIRECTION THE AUTHOR CHOOSES." ?

--------------

"Kind and cruel in the same breath." ?

"Volatile and petulant characters." ?

"Manipulative."  ?

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

"Three stage tricks." 

1:Deal with difficult subject matter, (Controversial)

2: Non motive narration

3: Pure white thin, 

 Cotton soft as home made cream wraped in silk,

    Is the subject matter but cover it with plastic and teflon coverings

Because no one appreciate pure silk except a few who are not available

right now.

---------------------------

To take a reviewer to that great place where he identifies with

what,  he doesn't think of identification because you can't predict

how people will respond...

this has never hindered my writing but now even the idea of chiffon

is not stimulating me...

----------------------

'Higher races, higher civilization." ?

Anglosphere shared historical ties with each other,  community of men."?

"Racist pseudoscience". Pankaj Mishra

"Non white people hopelessly inferior"  P. Mishra

"Politicians and pundits in Britain and it's settler colonies

of Australia, Canada, U.S.A forged identity geopolitics

of the higher race."  P. Mishra

---------------------

"Roosevelt wrote, 1897: "Democracy with the clear instinct

of race-selfishness saw the race-foe and kept out the dangerous alien." P.M

-------------------

"It's the motherland of democracy rather than in fascist Europe

that racial hierchies first defind the modern world." ?

----------------

'Race, selfishness and elite of the higher races for fearful

ruling classes, political order depended on forging an alliance

between capital and mob."

---------------

Inclusion of non white people was a way of securing dignity

for marginalized by industry. Politial climate was prepared

by intellectuals with clear cut racial theories such as Brook Adam,

Charles B Davenport, media Baron, Keith Murdoch and Just instituanalized

a policy that restrict colored people for 20th century nativist-racists

demagoues entrenched a politics of disposseion, segregation, disenfranchisement

white civilization and it's domination of the planet."  ?

----------

'White denoted ownership of the earth for ever and ever."

"landlords of the earth."  P.M ?

------------------

"Nightmare of words."

"Land of endless quest." "Orient."

I miss Edward Said

------------------

"Chaos has biblical origins."

-------------

ORIGINS

"Before writing-

Before language-

Before thought."

-------------

"Depths of memory

The country of confusion

-----------------

'The worst is still to come

The best is yet to come"  ?

---------

"What I have not said that needs to be said

more forcefully and more precisely. Nothing. Nothing at all." ?

------------

"Don't worry about being liked

Just tell the truth.

Put your best foot forward, tell the truth.

Not in your talk but in your writing

But there is something missing and that's what I am looking for...

What's missing." ?

The truth...

------------------

"How to survive?

How to be tough?

How to get through?

How to navigate the city and the citizens?

How to con the daily encounters?

If it was to be,  it was to be-

I adopt the same thought

I can't just live all day long waiting for something to happen-

That either will happen or will not happen."

________

"I have never abandoned the development process."

------------------

The negative racist energies re-surfaced.  They woke up.

They never went away

They never disappeared...

They just dozzed off...

-------------

TWO GENIUSES AT THE SAME TABLE

Me and him

Reading

Having breakfast at Balthazar

He is reading about the genius of Leonardo Divinci

And I am reading about all the murders of wives and children

Committed by their husbands and fathers.

One in Colorado,

Wife and two daughters killed by the husband who was also gay...

Hong Kong professor killed his wife, put her body in a suitcase,

Put it in his office.

Another Hong Kong professor killed wife and daughter...

He was such a caring husband and a father.

He really took care of them both.

I need a drink, a strong one....

-------------------------

AN ARTIST'S RESIDENCY AT LAFYETTE,  A FRENCH BISTRO...

WEEKDAYS:

Have tea at home

DRESS UP,  WEAR YOUR BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

Leave early

Every day

6 hours

Type from hand written note books

Type plays

Do not read the NYT

Read books

Have coffee

Have croissant

Have lunch

EVENINGS

Openings

Theater

Movies

Readings/performances

WEEKENDS

Museums

Socializing

NUTRITION

Berries

Mangoes

Greens

Veges

Smoked salmon

lots of salads

Vit D

B COMPLEX

GLUCOSOMINE

-----------------

EVERY OTHER THING AND EVERY OTHER UN-NECESSARY PERSON

AND EVERY OTHER WORRY CAN END UP IN HELL...

REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU THIS BEFORE?

I AM YOUR ONLY TRUE FRIEND AND WELL WISHER

IGNORE ME AT YOUR OWN RISK..." PK

NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE

 NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE

Everything that you think is negative,

Turn it around and make it positive.

EXAMPLES

!: Oh! I have so many clorhes...

1: I am so glad that I have so many beautiful clothes .

2: Oh! I have so many scripts...

2; Isn't it a blessing that I wrote so much for so

many years. and now I have plenty of great scripts.

3: Oh!  my apt is so messy...

3: My apt is big and a big apt in Manhattan is a blessing

    It's big for a Manhattan apt and sometime it's difficult

to keep at it by myself but I am so glad that I have plenty

Of space to move around and make a mess sometime...

4: Oh! I have so many books...

4:  I am so pleaseed at myself that I have so many

Books on so many subjects.  I have art books, books

 of philosophy, plays, books of essays, novels, biographies

autobiographies, books on psychology, streaem of consciousness

novels, anthologies, poetry collections,

 art criticism, Russian literature and much more.

I love to read, I love books and whatever interests me

on which-ever  topic,  I pick up that very book right from

my own book store and learn something from it every day.

5: I should throw lots of things out...

5: The things I haven't used for a while, I should 

Give to charity.

6: I have so many scarves, tailor made clothes from my country

    All in my carry-on bags...

6; Isn't it great that everything is already packed for my

vacations...I can take some things out, add some new things and here

you go...Since all those things are in my house, I will have everything

I need for my travels...and it will be a source of comfort when I am

there...wherever I will be...in a faboulous country...

7: I am so overweight, it's depressing...

7: Before I go on my vacation I will cut out all starch, sugar

and all fattening food and I will walk and walk and walk

in foreign cities...

8: I should go to the gym...

8: If I don't like the gyms, I must walk a lot here as. well...

9: I am afraid of technology...

9: must take some lessons from not a very aggressive

techno expert but from a friendly mild, non-condescending

person who has a sense of humor about me not knowing much

about technology. Must not feel embarrased for not having

much interest in it. But it will help my work.

10: I find some people quite fake...

10: Don't take it to heart.  It's still good to socialize,

to amuse yourself.

11: haven't achieved much...

11: You have. Don't be so hard on your self

       You already told us that you have so many 

     hand written scripts in your big apt. And 

     I heard that you draw as well and you have tons of drawings.

      You are more classical than the modern

     writer and artist. You write long hand, which is a marvel

      and you are not greedy to sell your art work.  It will be nice

      to make some dollars but hey, dollars come and go...

      talent is hard to come and if you have some, you should be

       very grateful. People would love to change placec with you, trust me.

"STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS"

 "STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS"

 ( INTERNAL IMPRESSIONISM.")

"Phantasmal accelaration of time? in which 25 years

Pass in 20 pages,  a dream like pace."?

'Waitress's dream."?

"Human beings who have left the evocative debris

of former living and feeling." Virginia Woolf

"A new kind of poem about the meaning and

mystery of life and human relations which explores

movements of mind and the role and

the creative power of the artist. " Virginia Woolf

"Laid bare their ghosts."?

"An instant memory" "You must be continnously active."  BS

"Try to achieve order and beauty against the forces

Of darkness and chaos." V. W

"COME BACK TO THIS NIGHT-THIS MOON-

THIS WIND-THIS HOUSE AND TO HER TOO." V.W

"Mystic as a poet is a mystic."?

"A-wedge shaped core of darkness invisible to others."?

--------------------

I sat there-listening to three novelists

One after the other- They lacked a sense of poetry,

mystery and humor.  It was most un-enjoyable to

Listen to them.  They were all published.

I realized for the first time how enjoyable a writer

I am.  My writing exuberate energy, vitality,

Secrecy,  mysterious quality,  poetry of dislocation

and sadness,  plus a great sense of humor and sarcasm

And absurdity---No,  I am not published.

This culture,  if it can be called a culture at all

look at the tv experts yelling and interupting

each other. The anchor invites them for their expert

opinions but never let them express it. The anchor,

He/she expresses his/her opinions instead.

The anchor interrupts consistently and persistently

his own point of view to please his chief boss

who writes the million dollar check and tells him/her to do that...

Never let them talk for too long in case by

 some mistake they make some sense...

and he gets loads of money just by screaming a hell of a lot.

That's the highlight of the culture.

if it's a culture at all.

Screaming, interrupting and emphasising, dictating, pressuring, imposing their opinion and

 one's own point of view...

WHY INVITE THE SO CALLED EXPERTS THEN?   BS

EXPERTS?

WHERE ARE THEY?

ON CNN

ARN'T THEY SHOUTING?

THEY ARE, THAT'S THE PURPOSE OF AN EXPERT.

------------------

"No, I am not published-

Because I am an excellently complex writer

and a poet of global human condition. BS

------------------------

"Supreme visionary." ?

"Possession of multiplicity of gifts can

Bring one to the edge of breakdowns and

Madness." ?

---------------

"Variety of styles and subjects...

after all thats her temperament." ?

-----------------

"Core of darkness can go anywhere

Because no one saw it..." V.W

"A monster of egotisim.

Abundance of poetic Imagery." ?

"Manifold beauty of sea and sky." ?

"Poetry can be felt but can never be fully

explained by the analytical mind." ?

----------------

If SYMBOLISM ESCAPES YOU

I can't manage symbolisim except in 

this vague generalized way-whether 

it is right or wrong- I don't know,

but when-directly I am told, " What a thing means

it becomes hateful to me." ?

------------------

"NO TIME FOR OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE"

HAVE,

ATTITUDE,

DISTANCE,

INDIFFERENCE,

FROM.

ALL."  BS

----------------------

"ABSURDLY INSIGNIFICANT-MOMENTS

HAVE BOTHERED ME GRAVELY." BS

--------------

"I SEE NO ONE ANYMORE." BS

------------------

"LEAVE MY LONELINESS UNBROKEN."  POE

------------------

"THE HOURS ARE BREATHING FAINT AND LOW."  POE

-----------

"TAKE THIS KISS UPON THE BROW

AND, IN PARTING FROM YOU NOW."  POE

---------------

"MELANCHOLY WAITRESS

BY

BINA SHARIF

copyright:binasharif 2021

------------------------------

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

"SOME ANECDOTES OF THE THE PAST."

I was buying oranges on 7th st and 1st ave store

An old man standing next to me was also picking orang

He suddenly said to me, "We are all thieves."

I looked up...I was quite startled,

He said it again, "We are all thieves."

I was offended

And I said to him, "well, I am not.  You must be the one.

To thieves every one else looks like one."

Then he said, " A wise man doesn't argue with a woman."

__________

I was working as background in a tv movie called, "The clinic."

Being shot at a long island old mansion with gardens and acres of land and lakes

On a very cold wintery day. We were all playing patiens, mental patients.

We were poorly dressed in hospital rags...

I wondered why such poor looking patenits were being treated at such an elite

Location in a mansion?

How could poor mentally ill patients can afford such luxry?

But later on I found out that the poor people/patients were serving a purpose.

A contrast between rich mentally ill and poor mentally ill.

The rich mentally ill patient was Marsha Mason, ex wife of Neil Simon.

It was extremely cold.  I was shivering throughout.  Couldn't control it.

I still shiver when I think of that cold day.

We extras were wearing white hospital coats only.

We were getting $80 for ten hours work.

After ten hours we go overtime. Staying very cold for ten hours hoping to go over time...

So desperate for little bit of money.go to a cafe

Extremely degrading job. 

Thee AD would shout very loud, " Be quite extra

I was doing it for coffee money.  I used to say that to myself to avoid embarresment.

"Coffee money so I can go to a cafe to write." I always wrote in cafes, so it mmade sense to call 

it coffee money but to tell you the truth no other money was coming from any other source..."

So I happily shivered all day in that mansion and outside of it as well.

They also had outdoor shoots.

Well, Marsha Mason was brought to the set in a helicopter.

Helicopter was also part of the scene.

Why such a rich patient come to share the clinic with such poor patients?

I was stilhe same scenetl silently asking this question.

That can never be possible in real life.

Marsha Mason has never had a cup of coffee with me in the same cafe where I go...

Well, that's hollywood...

So she comes in a helicopter and shoot the scene in a brand new, long, big fur coat...

We are in the same scene with her but all of us are shaking, shivering anticipating double pneumonia.

During one of those 2 minute breaks to warm up, one of the elderly woman playing an extra

like me abruptly asked Marsha Mason, "What kind of fur is this?"

Marsha Mason did't like the intrusion on her privacy especially by a poor looking woman playing

an extra...

But perhaps since the woman asking the question was an elderly woman and Marsha wanted to be

 politimee... or whatever, who knows the reason but she Marsha answered, "It's Sable."

'I have the same exact fur coat."  The elederly lady said.

That was a moment in time.  All other actors playing extras were stunned...

"Good for you." Marsha shouted back at the lady quite pissed...

In a state of disbelief...IMagine an elderly woman shivering in cold for ten some hours for

$ 80 some dollars who already owned a Sable? What a hoot. Marsha Mason thought

I guess, she must have that the lady playing a mentall ill patient must be mental in real life

As well as all the other extras.

"Perfect casting"...She gave us all a good look and went back to her helicopter

----------------------------------

My boyfriend must have a strange kind of humor.

After we decided to have a nice time after 24 hours of battle about our relationship

Went for a walk in thf a placee East Village.

As we reached the Saint Mark's place he took me to sock man, a famous shop for socks.

He asked the owner, " Do you know of a place where I can buy some socks for the lady?"

The sock man said, " I really don't know of any place like that in the neighborhood.

You will How are you?ve to 

go uptown."

"NOT NOW." My boy friend said, " I AM TOO EXHAUSTED."

"SORRY." The sock man said. We left the sock man's shop.

I realized that both of them must have similar sense of humor.

--------------------------

The apt across my kitchen window is newly renovated

A CO-OP

Very clean

White paint

No curtains

There are four rooms

I can see all the rooms

A man and a woman live there

Every evening at about 6pm they go to two separate rooms

Both get on their phones

I wonder if they call other people

Or call each other exactly at 6pm and talk to right look."

'you are not right."

You are not right."each other on the phone?

I never see them together in one room talking to each other in person

------------------------------

Every casting director says to me when I go for audition,

"You are not the right look."

'You are not right."

'You are not right."

'But I am here to audition for the role of the Indian doctor.

I am as old as the character is listed."

"You are not the right look."

'You are not right." The casting director says

NEXT AUDITION

"I am here to audition for the strret type poor person"

"You are not the right look."

"You are not right."

'You are not right for the part."

NEXT AUDITION

"I am here  to audition for the wall street character"

"You are not righgivent for the part."

'You are not right."

you are not right, Maybe my parents should have given me this name...

"YOU ARE NOT RIGHT."

"Hey, you are not right, say your prayers.'

'Hey,  you are not right, make me tea."

Hey, 'you are not right, don't fight with your brother."

'Hey, come here, you are not right, warm my hooka pipe."

'Hey, you are not right, have you done your home work?"

Hey, You are not right, dodn't watch western women on tv."

'Hey, You not right, you have to have an arranged marriage."

Hey, You are not right, listen to your parents, don't think of going to America."

'Hey, You are not right, listen to your parents, they are telling you that you are not right for America."

---------------------------------

I water my plants

They drop after two days

I water my plants again

They droop after two days

I water my plants, they droop after one day

I water my plants, they droop the same day.

I clean my underwears, they get dirty the next day

I clean my underwears, they get dirty the next day.

I clean my underwears, they get dhe plate gets dirty right awayirty the next day.

I clean my dishes, they get dirty riight away after I eat

I have my coffee, the cup gets dirty right after the coffee is finished

I have my snack at midnight, the plate gets dirty right away

I get up to wash it and miss my favorite program called NATURE

ON CHANNEL 13...

I get mad at myself, mad at the plate, mad at the underwears,

Mad at the dishes,

Mad at the drooping plants...

I develop insomnia...

I am awake night after night

I am miserable

I have a nervous breakdown...

I watch channel 13 all night

I am into nature

-------------------------------

I buy a fur coat from a thrift shop

It tears the day I wear it...

I buy another fur coat from another thrift shop

It tears the moment I wear it

I buy another fur coat from another thrift shop

It tears right after I leave the thrift shop...

I wish I had a Sable like Marsha Mason...

------------------------

In the street a man says,

"Leave me alone bitch."

te streetIn the street a woman says,

"Fuck off bastard."

Next day the ma says,

"Leave me alone bitch."

f bastard." woman says,

"Fuck off, you bastard."he street

Then they go to Odessa and have cabbage soup.

Then they come back in the street

The man says,

'Leave me alone bitch."

"Woman says, "Fuck off bastard."

"THEIR LIFE GOES ON."

---------------------------------

An American lover says to a Japenese lover,

"I want to kill myself by HARI KARI"

Japenes lover goes to buy a pack of marlbrough

When she comes back her American lover is dead...

In many other couples lives

Only promises are made

But the promises are never kept.

-----------------------------

My dog is doppy

When I raise my voice

I startle her

When she raises her voice

She startle me...

We are two doppy love birds

Who live together....

---------------------------

My shower is so weak that when I try to wash my hair

It takes a hell of a time to even wet it throughly...

Then i.....

try to wash y hair in the sink

After that I feel that I left my neck and my head in the sink

My neckless  and headless body moves to the bed...

Since my head and neck are missing

I can't have my usual nightmares...

I heard that nightmares are the functioning of the brain...

I simply can't function without nightmares

In order to function in the society one has to have

Nightmares

I am part of this society

And in order to

Function properly

I need my nightmares

And for that I have to have my head on my shoulders...

With my neck Intact....

So washing my hair is out of the question

So dirty hair is much better than leaving my neck and head in the sink...

-------------------------

A bum says to another bum,

"You are a bum"

The bum doesn't care

A very rich man with Tesla says to the bum,

'You are a bum."

The bum is over joyed for recognition

Some one says to Woopi goldberg, 

'You have talent."

She doesn't care..

It had no effect on her

Mike Nicols told her,

'You have talent."

She beamed with the joy of recognition

Then they put her in hollhrywood movies

Now she is on Hollywood square

Her talent has been thrown out of  te window

IT HAPPENS...

----------------------------

Guess whose picture has fallen on the garbage bags,

Outside Joseph Papp's public theater...

Is it Joseph Papp or Shakespeare?

They shouldn't throw the great posters out.

They land on top of the garbage

The garbage...yes.

Or the garbage shoud be removed right away...

NOT IN NY, NO, NOT IN NY. 

 GARABAGE STAYS IN THE STREETS FOR MANY MANY DAYS.

-------------------------------------------

My boy friend thinks that I am exhausting

I already know that I am exhausting.

Do I need a boy friend to tell me that again?

 ---------------------------------

Where do you go when you mess with Johney Carson?

Hollywood Squares...

-------------------------

WHAT DID SHE DIE OF?

She died of depression...

Mental depression or ecnomic depression?

I don't think it was mental depression

She really took care of it in her life

She had depression fits at 9am

11 am

I-30pm

12 midnight...

Her body got used to it...

I think she died of ecnomic depression

No nourishement

She couldn't afford the mental fits

Her body was malnourished

One needs lot of strength and good healthy food

For so many nervous/mental breakdowns..

Ecnomic deppression and deprivation was 

Her death in life...to 

Oh! well, you can't stay on this eartth for ever

You have to go some day

But she wago quicklyno ted to die nicely

She wanted to get hit by a truck

She wanted to go quickly...

After a life time of ecnomic depression

And malnourishment...

A punishment for life...

But what matter now is that she is finally free

From both kinds of depressions...

Mental and ecnomical

SHE IS FREE OF BOTH

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES

"DREAM OF A CORPSE."

NEW PLAY

BY

BINA SHARIF

CHARACTERS:

CORPSE

NARRATOR/DREAMER

(AUTHOR'S NOTES)

TWO POSSIBILITES

1: IT CAN BE ONE PERSON PLAY: (Corpse can wake up and become the narrator of his own story)

2: Actor playing the corpse doesn't talk and stay as a dead corpse on a bed and a second actor plays

    the corpse who comes back to life and become the narrator/dreamer of his own story...

STAGE:

(Bare, dimly lit, corpse can be behind a scrim,  candle light near the corpse, white sheet on the actor playing the dead corpse...)

ANOTHER POSSIBILITY, ANOTHER TITLE OF THE PLAY

"ROARING SUCCESS AND A MAJESTIC CORPSE"

NEW PLAY

BY BINA SHARIF

OR

"A CORPSE AND A ROAR."

OR

"DREAM OF A CORPSE"

Authors note:

It can be a one person play or other people in it?

Let's say the title of the play is,

"A CORPSE AND A ROAR"

"A CORPSE DREAMING"

CHARACTER:  THE CORPSE/NARRATOR

CORPSE: (2nd actor, ist actor remains covered  and still on a divan.)

If I ever come back to life, this is how I will live my life...

My life will be a roaring comedy of vicious, mean, selfish, egotistical, narcisstic

greedy, self loving charade.

It will be the undoing of all the things done by me, in my previous life.

Things such as, Kindness, loving others, affection, caring, selflessness, lack of self love,

desire of peace, justice, honesty, equality, freedom, democracy, happy marriage, children etc, etc, etc.

I will be vicious, corrupt, extremely selfish, insensitive, rich, very rich, I will know how to steal without

ever getting caught, that's called smart, a genius, a cunningly clever man.  

I will have boats and goats and planes and farms and drugs of all kind.  Tons of cocain for all my

 criminal friends, wine cellers, vintage wines, champagne, palaces, jewels, caviar, servants, slaves rather,

diamonds stolen from South Africa, big safe in every palace full f money and gold, all the politicians

 and the presidents will be at my mercy, all the leaders of the world will do what I order them to do...

I will be a war mongerer, I will steal all the wealth of every country on this planet...I will be the biggest

 criminal in the whole world.  Every one will shudder at the mention of my name.

I WILL BE A MONSTER, A MONSTER, A MONSTER....

I WILL BE A MONSTER WHO HAD NEVER BEEN BORN BEFORE...

I FINALLY LEARNT A BIG LESSON AFTER MY DEATH AS THE MOST HONORABLE

 GENTLEMAN, HONEST AND POLITE, EDUCATED AND SOPHISTICATED, WITH A

 GENEROUS, GIVING NATURE, COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY, LOVE OF THE POOR,

 AGAINST INJUSTICE,  LOVE OF INDIVDUAL FREEDOM AND DIGNITY...

ONLY AFTER I DIED AND LAY AS A CORPSE FOR SO LONG , I LEARNED THAT MY HONEST

 LIFE WASN'T

WORTH A DIME...

IT WAS A LIFE NOT WELL LIVED....

IN THIS WORLD OF OURS, ONLY THE LIFE OF A MONSTER IS WORTH LIVING...

ONLY A CRIMINAL, AN EXTREMELY CORRUPT MONSTER GETS RESPECT.

I AM BACK TO GAIN RESPECT IN THE WORLD AMONGST THE WORST CRIMINALS AND

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD...

I AM BACK...

DID YOU HEAR ME?

I AM A CORPSE WHO IS BACK...

TO BECOME LIKE YOU,

LIKE ALL OF YOU...

THE MONSTERS...

ONLY AFTER I BECAME A CORPSE

I FULLY UNDERSTOOD THE EVIL WORLD

NOW I AM BACK

I AM A CORPSE

AND I AM BACK

TO TAKE BACK WHAT WAS MINE

WHAT WAS STOLEN FROM ME

MY DIGNITY

MY PRIDE

MY KIND NATURE

MY EDUCATION

MY TENDERNESS OF THE SOUL

MY LOVE OF YOU

MY LOVE FOR YOU

MY SELF RESPECT

I AM BACK TO GET MY SELF RESPECT BACK

IT'S A MIGHTY SHAME THAT IN ORDER TO BE RESPECTED

IN TODAY'S MONSTEROUS WORLD

ONE HAS TO BE A MONSTER

NOW I AM A CORPSE AND A MONSTER

NOW YOU WILL BE FRIGHTEEND OF ME

IT'S SO SAD THAT A GENTLEMAN HAS BEEN INSULTED

FOR BEING A GENTLEMAN

RESPECT WILL BE  CORRUPT LIKE EVERY EVERYTHING ELSE...

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT

WHEN I WAS ALIVE

BUT NOW I AM SURE OF THAT.

PITY, I COULDN'T BE CORRUPT LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE

WHEN I WAS ALIVE

THE WORLD CALLED A CARING PERSON A, "VICTIM"

NO LONGER A VICTIM NOW

NOW I AM A CORPSE

WHO IS BACK...

AND WON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN

I WILL BE LIKE ALL OF YOU

GREEDY, CORRUPT, CRIMINAL THIEVES AND BASTARDS...

 IMAGINE!

I HAD TO DIE TO BE LIKE ALL OF YOU

BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DEAD MAN AND ME

IS THAT I AM BACK TO TAKE BACK WHAT WAS STOLEN FROM FROM ME,

MY DIGNITY, MY SELF RESPECT, MY GOOD NATURE, MY GOOD NAME

AND MY HONEST SOUL.

NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES:

 NAPKIN DIARY CONTINUES.

"GAME"

BY

BINA SHARIF

A SHORT ONE ACT, TWO CHARCTER PLAY.

CHARACTERS:

A: FATHER

B: SON

A:  Whya are you moving backward?

B:  I didn't realized that I was moving backward

A:Now you know

B: Yes, now I know

A: Now move frward

B: I can't...

A: Why not?

B:  I have moved too far back.  It's over.

A:  Nothing is over till it's over

B:  It's over.

A:  What?

B:   I don't know.  But It's over. Whatever it was, is now over.

       The game has been won.

A:   By whom?

B:   The game has been won.

A:   But you didn't play the game.  You got out of the line.

B:   I didn't get out of the line. I moved back, but I was still in line

       But the game is over.

A:   Why did you move back? Why did you leave your space in the front to move back in line?

B:    I told you before that I didn't know...

A:    Didn't know what?

B;    That I was moving backward

A:    Now what are you going to do?

B:    Stay there...

A:    Stay where?

B:    Where-ever I ended up.     I am going to stay there...

A:    Get out of the line and move forward

B:    I am not in the line any more. I told you that the game is over

A:   You have given up

B:    That's it.  Long time ago I gave up.  You didn't notice?

A:    Why would I notice?

B:    (furious) You are my father damn it. You are my father.  Damn you...

        You never noticed anything I ever did. You didn't notice anything I ever did...

         YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ME. I moved back in every line of life long time ago

          but you never noticed...You never noticed me.That's why I kept moving backward

          for you to notice me...

A:     (Interrupts him)  I nticed you now...

B:     The game is over.  I lost.

                                                                END OF PLAY