THESE AWFUL DREAMS

TESE AWFUL DREAMS

iT HAD TO BE SOMEWHERE IN THE BRONX
i REMEMBER THAT VIVEDLY

But there was a junction
A railway junction or some big square with lots of arteries
Leading to so many other junctions
It was widely spread out
Reminded me of Duras's novel, 'The English mint
Where the leading lady murder her maid, chop her up in pieces
and send them out to many trains from a particular railway junction
such as this one in the dream........

And Bronx of my dream was just beyond this junction
And I had to figure it out how to get through this section to
get to my destination

I asked many people about the way
Some kept passing me by and some were helpful
But quite confusing....
Some told me to take a particular bus and then another bus and then another bus
But they couldn't tell me where to get off the first time, the second time and the third time as well

Also they couldn't tell me what number bus to take
So I kept standing there and kept asking strangers for help
But no one was precise enough
I noticed even in my dream that I am very good in giving directions
I mean thats the reason people ask for directions
Because they don't know the way
And if you take that challenge
You should be mighty sure how to guide the poor slobs
with no knowledge of the road......

I mean if you tell them to turn right at some point and their point of desire
is on the left side, you misguided the poor bastard
Who was lost to begin with but now will be completely crazy
ight even chop the head of his companion after suffering the rage of the road
And the heat of august on that road with motels , ugly motels on the road
And no place to cool off.......

So ne has to be very careful in giving directions
I tell people exactly how to get places when I am awake
Only when I am asleep I am lost
And I ask lost people for directions

There is something to be learnt about from my dreams
'Asking directions from the people who are completely lost
And don't know at all even the number of the bus even if they live in the same street
Oh!well, whatever
They couldn't guide me to my destination
I know I had a destination
I had to get to the Bronx
And I had to go to the Bronx
And I didn't know the way
Because in my real life I haven't been to the Bronx

Then the scene changes
The dreams are like movies
The scenes change
Some times it moves forward and some times it goes back
There are flash backs
And then the dream is broken some time
You wake up and you are sweating
Because the fan in the bed room is lousy
Cheaply made in China
Like everything else
I bet you If I dreamt of going to China I won't know the way

I know someone who went to China to marry some young slut
Who is ripping him off and he calls it, 'LOVE'
MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR
'LOVE" ........
Like I have been looking for the Bronx
Not so great a place to go to or look for
But looking desperately nevertheless
'LOVE' IS LIKE THAT
EVERY ONE IS LOOKING FOR IT AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND IT
NO ONE KNOWS THE DIRECTION TOWARDS LOVE.
EVERYONE IS LOST ON THE ROAD TO LOVE

Now the scene changes
I am somewhere closer to it
The place I am looking for
But I am still not there
And I know I have to get two important tickets or cards or passess to enter that academy
Which is in the Bronx
And once I am admitted to it I will be fine
Its seemed like RADA
Royal Academy of dramatic arts in London
If you want to be a serious actor you have to get in RADA
I don't know where its located in London
BUT I KNOW ITS VERY PRESTIGIOUS
And once you are in, you get work in great institutions such as the National theater
I knew in my dream that I was not in London
Thats for sure
I was in the Bronx but the place I was looking for seemed as important as RADA
BECAUSE I WAS DESPERATE TO GET TO IT........

Then I was in a room, or loft or a house
Whatever it was it was very big
The room I mean
And there was a maid
Who was dressing a child who was a cripple
A good looking rich cripple
She was very sensitive with the child
And his dress was expansive looking
He also wore sun glasses
Fancy Italian looking dark, round sun glasses
Like the one's Johnny  Depp wears when he doesn't want to be recognized
Why go out at all when you don't want to be recognized?

Actually its the opposite
You want to be recognized by the whole world behaving like
They are bothering you, not leaving you alone but actually they are dying to be seen
They are afraid they will be forgotten soon and they will be for sure
Every one is going to be forgotten soon
Thats for sure
But actually I like Johnny Depp
I should have used another star's name
They all try to hide behind their most expansive sun glasses
Thats tacky......

Oh! well, this poor little cripple kid was wearing sunglasses such as
The stars and was being taken somewhere by the maid
Maybe he was also going to the Bronx at some fancy school
But I feel that we were both very close to our destination in the Bronx
Me and the cripple kid......
I don't know if he found the place he was going to
But I was moving in circles
Asking people again and again
Making some Americans very angry,
'Miss you asked me before, you asked me which bus to take to the Bronx
And I told you to take one bus, then the other bus, then a third one and you will be in the Bronx,
Now leave me alone, I am very anxious about my own fucked up life and if you asked me one more time about the bus, I will shoot you with my un-licensed gun."

And he took his gun out and every one started to scream and run, but I just stood still
and couldn't move an inch and people kept shouting, "Get away from him, get away from him."
But I couldn't move at all.
For the first time I felt grounded
My feet firmly grasping the hot lava melted road to the Bronx and then he took an aim at me......

AND I WOKE UP......AND IT WAS SO HOT AND I WAS SWEATING AND THE FAN WAS STILL LOUSY AND I COULDN'T MOVE, COULDN'T MOVE AT ALL............................
WONDERING WHAT WAS IT THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR IN THE BRONX?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It seemed like we were all attending a conference somewhere in an Important country
There were lots of men participating in whatever that conference was
I knew somewhere deep down in my heart that he was there also
A man I had once desired
I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All those men in the conference room desired me
I know that
But I was only looking for the one I desired
And desired for so long
I know he was there
Part of the conference
But I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All other men lost my attention
As if they were not there at all
As if the room was full of them but they weren't there at all
As if they all vanished
Vanished like thin air up in the clouds
And their Armani suits were just the shadows of them
Just shadows sitting in those plush chairs in the conference room
They were perhaps there but I couldn't see them
I couldn't careless actually
I was looking for the one I couldn't find
He was there somewhere outside the conference room
I know he was there
Maybe he was drinking champagne in the lounge waiting for me
He also knew that I was there
I know it
I know that he knew

We have been looking for each other for thirty years
We met once
But the time wasn't right
There were restrictions on, 'Love" and 'Desire"
So we contained our love and desire for each other in our bosoms
And moved far far away from each other
And desire became bigger and stronger
And today it will be fulfilled
After such a long time
After such a long long time
I will touch my love
The love I have been desiring for so long
And he is somewhere outside sipping champagne
And the others are asking and answering such boring questions and answers
in the conference room
Their bosoms are puffed up with the salaries they get for hyping themselves up
by saying things no one can understand
Roundabout questions and answers
Just so full of themselves
So full of themselves that their Armani suits are bursting
And they haven't even eaten the gourmet five course lunch
prepared for them yet................

They know everything
They have knowledge of science and biology and philosophy and religion and technology
and they are so important
So very important
Thats why they were invited
But why am I here?
I am not in a suit and I have no knowledge of technology and what it can do to fulfill
Our desires................
I just have desire for the man I met once
He was in white
It was a hoy, hot summer day
In a far away hot land
And we were in a garden
Full of jasmine and daffodils and birds such as bulbuls
Singing, singing songs of love
And we were in the garden
The same garden but on the opposite ends of the garden
He was in white
A white linen shirt
And white linen lose pants
I was also in white
A white flowing dress
It was a hot country
Mostly we wore white
He was on the opposite side of the garden
And he desired me
And I desired him
I know he did
Because I desired him..............

We never poke
But made a promise
That we will meet again
And then we will hold each other and kiss
We will kiss
Silently
We won't speak to each other
We won't say a single word
But we will meet
And we will kiss each other
We will fulfill our desire

And its been thirty years
And he is here
And I am here
And I know he is here
I just have to find him...................................
I loved him once
And I love him still
I just have to find him............................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

i was carrying a huge black bag
A carry on kind of bag
But it was so huge that If I was going to take a plane with it,
They for sure would not let me carry it on the plan
I will have to check it and pay extra money for it
But I am sure in my dream I wasn't taking a flight
I was going somewhere near
As if I was going home for the night

There were lots of people
Women and men
Asking me a few questions
It seemed like as if we just finished a lengthy rehearsal
And the actors were asking many questions
Actors didn't seemed satisfied
Thats not so rare
But in the dream it wasn't clear as if we were in show business
Or even any where near it

But questions were being asked of me about the contents of the bag
And I opened the zipper
And the bag was full of things
So crowded that I couldn't get even my hand in there
There was tons of fruit
Like apricots, nuts, pears, plums,
Even some melons
And there was a huge book
Or at least looked like a book
Maybe it was a huge script
Maybe we were all actors
Maybe we did just finished a rehearsal and the actors were curious about the script
Curious or maybe critical
Critical , is more like it......

They were asking me things such as these
Like ,"What part in the script is against the Quran
And which part is in favor of it?"
And I was telling them that, 'Some parts in the script/book were against
And some are in favor of the Quran
And they asked me if I could show them the real pages
And I tried but couldn't get grasp the script
The bag was too full
And if I interfered more all the fruit will rip apart and the bag will be full of juice and
Everything in it would be stained
And I didn't want that to happen
I felt in my dream that everything in the bag was dear to me
And I didn't want anything to be spoiled

Bag seemed too precious to me
Not the actual bag
The bag was so huge and ugly actually
But the content seemed very special
Especially the book
Maybe it was the Quran
But I know it was not
I know it well
That part of the dream was very clear
But the questions from the women surrounding me were also very clear
They were for sure about the Quran
They were repeatedly asking me about the good and the bad parts

But I couldn't get to the book in the bag
Things were in the way
But I knew I have to do a lot of work when I get to the place
I was heading towards....
I was aware that I had to assign different roles to different people
I had to look very carefully at the script and find things
For appropriate actors...............

So it seems like that it was a script
Some kind of fiction dealing with important subjects
Subjects such as religion and love perhaps
But none of these two topics are of any importance in the 21st Century
'Love" has lost its definition completely
The word, "LOVE" gets mixed up with "Tinder" and all
The digital utopia has also something to do with, "Love"
'Sex is part of love
Isn't it?
And "Tinder is all sex
Thus a big part of love.............

So my bag had some references to the Quran obviously
And ,"Fruit" represented love and sex and the original sin
Maybe there was an apple somewhere in the bag too
An apple which Eve ate long time ago and I was now looking for it
But the apple was eaten
And the one in my bag from the farmers market
was not the original apple
That apple had already been eaten
The :LOve" had already been eaten
So perhaps there was no love in my bag
And for sure no Quran
21st Century ended love and religion
Religion turned into killings
And love turned into Tinder

Such advancement in the world
And I have just learnt the word Tinder recently
While millions are using it
Millions are in love
So love hasn't ended
It has gone into space
Its a cloud ow
Love is a cloud
Maybe that was the title of the script in my huge black bag
"LOVE IS A CLOUD, IT HAS MANY SHAPES AND STILL
HAS NO SHAPE.................
IT HAS SPREAD UPWARDS IN THE SKY
SKY HAS LOVE
NOT US.....
SHAPE OF LOVE CAN'T BE DEFINED ANY MORE......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND SOME ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
 I WAITED AND WAITED
I WAS ALSO NOT READY
DIDN'T FINISH WRITING
OR COMPILING WHATEVER i WAS SUPPOSE TO READ THAT NIGHT
OR PERFORM
PERHAPS IT WAS A SCRIPT
WHICH WASN'T YET COMLETE

This dream is so very vague
But I did dream
Something chaotic in a wide spread way like my emotions
Nothing linear
All circular
Going around and around
I was very un-happy when I slept

I was upset about wasting my whole day under subtle pressure
Not being able to say, "NO"
Being slightly shocked by being surprised and not have the pre-determination
to be able to make a quick excuse to get away from the situation fast and saved my day and my money un-necessarily spent
It often happens
It happens frequently
I am never prepared to get away from a situation of not my making

Can not say, "NO:
Too much sense of obligation
I wonder why?
Some kind of obligation is ok perhaps
But not obliged to the whole planet
So I was upset before I slept
And in my dream wandered around looking for this and that
And not finding it
In this dream I think it was a ride
Some one was going to give me a ride somewhere Important
And that some one was not around
While I was also not ready
I remeber writing
Writing something
But It wasn't enough
I had couple of pages in my hand
Which I put in a drawer to keep them safe
But I was aware that those pages won't fill an hour
So it must be a script
The play can not be so short
At least an hour
Yes, it should fill at least an hour
People are paying for it
Keep them there for one and a half hour
But certainly an hour
Not less than that
Unless you are Fiona Shaw and the script is, "Wasteland."
Thirty seven minutes to be exact and seventy dollars
Well! stars can do everything
But even in my dream I felt the script has to be filled up

I kept the few pages in the drawer and looked for the person
With whom I was going to go somewhere........
Then I was dreaming of colors, bright colors
and food
Perhaps it was fruit
I haven't been eating fruit lately
I have been eating badly
Maybe thats why I go through these awful dreams
But my dreams have been awful for a long time
More like nightmares
I wake with great anxiety and sweat.
I have no friends

Perhaps that is the anxiety
But every one complains of not having friends
But it doesn't seem to bother them
Perhaps I am not busy enough
Yes, thats what it is
Not busy enough
Say it three times to confirm....
;Not busy enough."
;Not busy enough."
'Not busy enough."

People have projects
They don't even have time to call any one or to call back or to even pick up
the phone when some one calls them.
I want to be like that
I don't want to answer the phone when it rings
But my phone doesn't ring much
Some days it doesn't ring at all...................

But I should not pick it up even when it rings
I should not
I want to be like that
Not pick up the phone
Behave important
Say, "NO"  when I am in a situation I don't want to be in,
Say, "No and walk away
But I don't
I can't
Then I am upset for the rest of the day
Then I dream bad dreams

In my dream all of a sudden while I am looking for that some one to take me somewhere
All of a sudden there is a big platform which is covered by white sheets
Some one pick up the sheets and an amazing thing happens
The platform is full of hundreds of colorful bracelets
Glass bracelets
Colorful glass bracelets
Thousands of them
Where am I?
Thats my country
Thats where all the colorful bracelets are being sold
Thousands of them
And women are buying them
So many bracelets and so many women
All colorful
Bright bracelets and bright people
Bright colors buying colorful bracelets under the bright sky....
Where am I?
I am home
Then I wake up................
No, I am not home
I am sweating
The room is dark and hot
I am alone
I am not home
Where am I?
I don't know
What do I do here?
Nothing
Just go along
WHATEVER IS THERE i JUST GO ALONG
WASTE MY TIME
WASTE MY LIFE
JUST GO ALONG
Can't say, 'NO'.......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were three or four men
Seemed like an important conference or a lecture
They all seemed like celebrities
Whatever that means

One of the men seemed familiar
As if I knew him
Not only knew him but liked him at some point in my life
He didn't see me
I was part of the audience
Or maybe part of a class
Not much audience anyway
A few of us sitting opposite them

I wonder if the man was the man I was thinking about
Or just a look alike
In a little while it will be more clear if he is the same one
His face was towards the other speakers
Experts maybe
Men are mostly experts
Like on TV

They sit and speak often interrupting others and shouting
Then the other expert interrupts and shouts
And then the Republican expert shouts
And then the democratic expert shouts and then the TV show of experts is over
But these men were not shouting
I think they were English
English men, experts stay calm
Only the American man, the host shouts
There is a lot of aggression in American culture

Every one is at the edge of anger
Its like they are saying, "YOu want to say something, anything, I will break your bones, I am American, don't you know that? And if you do don't forget it."
So one is always afraid of saying anything
Anything which might not be according to their opinions which were made long time ago.
Its like this, 'We are always right and if you say anything otherwise we will use the stun gun on you."
How about that...............

But that was not part of the dream
In the dream this man, the man I thought I knew was very calm and seemed English
THATS ALL i WANTED TO SAY
Because the dream didn't compare any cultures such as British or American
So lets get back to it

In the dream I was interested to find out if the man who is going to speak soon, speak about whatever...
War or peace
What a joke
The word peace never appears in my dreams
It never even appears while I am awake
But now, since I am so disappointed in my waking hours
I sleep a lot
A lot of sleep is very good for your disturbed days
And the moment I arrive at JFK my disturbed days begin to disturb me

"SAMME? SAME AGAIN?"
I keep saying to myself
'Same what?"
'Same loneliness, same alienation, same lack of funds, same hourly lies of people
who promise to call you but never call you."
Well to hell with people, they are not so important any more
And I say any more because they were once very important to me.
'Oh! they were so important, so very Important, people I mean,
all kinds of people, relatives, off course, so, so, so, so important, lovers, friends, school mates, neighbors, homeless, beggars, passersby, every Tom, Dick and Harry was so important
So my life energy was spent on frivolously important people
So now I have no life energy,only awful dreams
At the end of my dream, I never get anything................
The thing I am looking for I never get it in my dream
Maybe its not my dream actually, its my life perhaps
Its my life which turns into a dream and it ends with an un-fulfilled want..................
I guess thats the best analysis of my dreams
Now I am turning into an expert also like those men
sitting so sternly on those chairs waiting to give us their expertise
But I am not waiting for this particular man's expertise
I am waiting to see if this is the man I once desired and if he is going to recognize me

And then I have a sudden urge to pee
And I leave the room in search of a restroom
When I come back
I can't find the place
Neither the room nor the building
I frantically look for the place
I know I never went very far
I came out of the room
Turned left
Then turned right and there was the restroom
So when I couldn't find the place I repeated the same motions again and again
This time I turned right first and then turned left but no building such as the one I left a moment ago
There were off course other buildings, courtyards, lawns, people sitting on the lawn.....
They seemed like students
So this was a university after all
So those men must be professors
The men I couldn't find any more

I walked around and around
But alas never got there
Then I asked some one
And an ominous looking man told me ,"that building is very special and once you leave it you can't
enter again."
And I told him that," I can't even find it."
And he said, "once you left, that building stopped existing for you."
 and I was so overwhelmed
and I told him that, " I only went to the rest room because I really had to go and had no intention to leave the building for good."
And he said, 'Never mind, restroom or no restroom, you had to know the rules and you had to follow the rules."
And I said, "NO one told me the rules."
And he said, "No one is supposed to tell you the rules, you have to know them yourself."
And he took my phone with him declaring, "You must not use the phone to call anyone inside either."
And then he left
I wasn't going to call anyone in there
I didn't know any one
I don't even know why I was there to begin with
But since I saw that man I became curious and wanted to see if he would recognize me...........
Actually I wasn't sure who that man was
Maybe he was a man of no importance
But I still wanted him to recognize me
Well that is a problem in my life
I think of so many things
So many people
People of no consequence
Things of no consequence
all day long
All day long
Every day and then think of things of no consequence all night long
All night long................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

The room was full of people
Mostly women
It was a center of some kind
Not a shelter
But some kind of fancier a place
It was called, 'NOMAD"

Just from the name I could assume
In my sleep that its a kind of place
Where women, clever women can get some kind of help
If they know how to approach the subject right

I wonder why I was there
Neither am I so clever
Nor have I ever gotten any kind of monetary help
Or any ind of help especially from women
But I was there nevertheless
Because if nothing else I am smart
I knew that even in my sleep
So people use my brilliance of all kinds
To help others who are much more manipulative than me...
Cunning for sure
People are so cunning
Not all of them
But most of them are cleverly cunning
That sound more positive than just being cunning
So I was there
I wonder why?
But I knew in my dream that I wasn't getting any money
Or any other kind of support
I just support others
People sugar coat me with sweet talk and
I like a fool that I am just do whatever is required of me to do

'Are you paying me for this by any chance?
Once in a while I gather my courage to ask them
'Don't you have an Inheritance from back home?"
They say
'What?"
'Arn't you an artist with inheritance?"
They think I am from Doris Duke family
It has happened so often that I have completely stopped asking for money of any kind
From any one...........
I just do the volunteer work
Without being a volunteer.

I hate the word, "Volunteer"
People say, "After I retire I am going to do some volunteer work to keep busy."
"ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOME VOLUNTEER WORK AFTER YOU RETIRE?"
What a joke
And its not so funny
I tell funnier jokes even in my sleep
Since Bill Cosby is retiring, too tired from you know what
They should hire me on NBC or ABC
To fill the gap
I will be better than Bill
Because I am not going to rape women....
Women are safe with me
Thats why I was at that women center called, NOMAD
To help some downtrodden, unfortunate woman in need
I might have just left that center and helped myself
But as usual I stayed....

And lo and behold
One of the woman, a very beautiful and actually stunning woman
Little bit darker, as if she was from the Islands or so
Started to sob and tell all of us how she needs help
Help with money
What else?
DON'T WE ALL NEED HELP WITH MONEY?
What a simplistic statement
So she was sobbing and telling us some tragic story
And the lady in charge told her that she is going to talk to the boss
about her dilemma........

Then the scene in the dream changed
Now we are out doors
Not every one
But some of us
I am sitting on a bench near the courtyards wall and I noticed that
Exotic lady who was crying earlier is sitting on the opposite side of me
She was wearing a black dress with a llow neck
As low as it can get
And a man comes out
Supposedly he is the boss of Nomad
And he stands behind her bench
From where he can see her boobs throughly and completely

And he greets her not with words
But with a kiss
Kiss not on the cheek or any other place
But kiss at her bosom
Imagine that!
I utter those words in my sleep
He for sure will help her
I said to myself
And she would for sure help him
Thats how you get the money
Not with a resume
But with bosoms..............

He leans all over her still standing behind the bench and whisper
Some delicious words in her ears and she lights up
Like the lightning in the sky before the storm.....

Then the scene changes agin
This one is a long dream and pretty coherent
Usually I don't remember my dreams
I don't want to because most of them are awful dreams
But this one I remembered while I woke up because
first of all its not so awful so far and second it has romance brewing in it
Or at least sex is being promised
Thats something in this day and age where people are only
having sex with their iphone

;Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I said to one of my so called friend
Every one calls every one a friend while a friend is so hard to find these days
But I have been looking for a friend since I arrived at the Elis Island
and Haven't found one yet
But the beauty of the struggle of any kind is that eventually you don't
really need or care for the thing you have been struggling for
And that doesn't mean, "Given up."
Like the most modern world says, "Oh! you have given up."
'Yes, you are right.  I have given up.  For sure given up on you, you the lier of the hour."

"Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I repeated myself
I love repeating thats why I am not published
I am not Gertrude stein
Some people can repeat and repeat and repeat but they own art salons in Paris
And have Picasso there on the wall plus in person
I am just trying to have this so called friend with iphone to take her eyes off the damn phone
She still insists that she loves me
So why the fuck you can't take your eyes off off that stupid instrument in your hand
But I digress
Lets forget her
She is a woman of no importance
If Oscar Wilde had not written that play called," Woman of no importance."
I would give this woman, my friend the title
The lady like title,  "A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE."
And that would be the end of the story
See how easy it is to just wipe off people from your slate?
Its like a black board with white chalk and a piece of cloth or even a napkin
Thats why no painter ever painted  on a black board
Everything is erasable on a black board
I am going to have my mind just like a black board and erase
all people of no importance instantly
They were only the figures drawn with white chalk on a black board.............

See how wonderful a treatment I have come upon just by talking to you...
No planning of going to a doctor to find out what to do with all that rubbish
I myself have found the solution to just wipe them off from the blackboard
Blackboard of your mind...............
Their images and their sincerity was of white chalk on a blackboard
I just wiped it off
Now everything and every body is of no importance to me.....................
They were of no importance anyway but I gave them too much Importance
But it just occurred  to me what to do with them
And in an instance they are just gone, disappeared for ever................

So since I am much healthier now let me go back to my dream
So where was I?

Ok, he just whispered something in her ear and she lit up
I guess he promised her money
Wasn't that what she was asking earlier in the room full of women?
Yes, I remember, she was asking for money..............

Then the scene changes again
This is for sure like a movie
Some one should steal this material and make a movie
Since this is on the internet and people steal right and left and with my skills on the internet
I would never know....and the assholes will never give me credit or mention my name ever
Its happened before but hell, let them steal and be somebody because at the end no body is any body......
All will vanish from the face of this miserable world and the fame will vanish too because the other
art thieves will become famous for a while and then die too.....

All right, we are all going to do but lets finish the dream since its been a long time
That I have written about them....
Because the moment I go to pee they all vanish
The dreams are like famous people who stole from others ideas and then vanished...
But strangely enough I do remember the ending of this dream but some how or the other I am unable to get to it today....
The thoughts, my thoughts keep scattering into my stream of consciousness like the singing birds...
Yes, I have birds, lots of birds, cages and cages full of birds who sing to me..............

Any one who steals this scenario and write a screen play out of it please be sure to have lots of birds in the film like Hitchcock's BIRDS but not evil birds but sweet colorful birds like mockingbirds....

In the net scene we are all outside in the street...
The beautiful woman and the boss of the institute named, NOMAD  are standing near a garbage container with a huge , I mean huge blue garbage bag....
There are some other men with them also who are helping the boss and the lady to discard somethings
Into the garbage container in the street
The blue garbage bag is so stuffed that I guess they are trying to lighten it so its easy for them to carry or whatever....
I am not clear about the reason why  they are doing it but they keep putting stuff in the container
Bags after bags are going inside the city garbage container....

At this point I notice three cops standing on the opposite side of this very busy street
and all of a sudden a cops notice this activity and let it continue without any interruption.

So lots of stuff is out of the blue bag and then comes out an other blue bag, a huge bag
that bag is full of cash, I mean brand new notes and thousands of them one can feel
the enormity of heaviness of stolen money even in a dream and I felt it so completely
and then.....that bag full of cash is the only bag which goes back into the original bag,
Of course they don't throw the money in the garbage container, of course not, only the other rubbish
which was hiding the money beneath the rubbish....................

At that very moment the cops move in with their guns drawn
And you know what happens when the guns are drawn by the cops.............
Cops move in and the criminals are stunned.....
How silly to be stunned to say the least............

But in my dream I am unable to figure it out why were they doing this in the street
during the bright sunlight of a sunny day throwing trash in a city garbage container
when they had tons of stolen money on them......
I couldn't figure that out while I was asleep dreaming
And then It seemed like I was back in the center again trying to explain my difficulty
to some of the people......
"But how could you be so stupid to expose the stolen money right in the middle of the street
with tons of traffic and millions of people walking back and forth>
I mean how could you be so stupid?
You can't be stupid while you have been so smart at the same time to lay your hands on so much money for so long and now you are doing all that in the street...................

Is this a movie or my dream?
It can't be my dream
Even the dreams have some logic
These things can only happen in a movie....
So this was a movie
Oh! gee, some one had already stolen my script and made a movie while I was sleeping
and dreaming about it.
People are so ahead of me
The internet is working after all
The so called girl friend of mine was not having sex with a lover inside of her iphone, she was making a movie of my material right in front of me..............
She stole my script while I was wide awake sitting next to her still asleep.....................dreaming
dreaming if birds singing in my movie, the movie I will make some day of my words, my own
very hauntingly beautiful words while she already had the copyright...............
She was a thief like all those people who stole all that money who got caught but I woke up before
I could have the pleasure of seeing her behind bars...............................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It was a performance of some Greek tragedy.
Every one was running around in togas and swords in their hands
I wonder who they were going to kill?
But for sure they were planning some kind of murder.
Swords must be used for some-thing dangerous
But perhaps they will spare people
It was only a play
But was it?

And why there is always killings and terror in my dreams?
I wish Freud was still alive........
Did I suffer from some kind of terror related trauma in my childhood?
As far as I remember my childhood was great
Only in my adult life which had been spent in un-familiar territory
That I have experienced some un-known, un-explained fear
But who knows maybe it was somewhere lurking around deep in my psyche during my childhood

There is always a night mare of me being late, me missing the train, me missing the plan,me not knowing the lines, but I don't even perform so much and the night mares are always about missing the performance or not knowing the script.................

At-least in my nightmares I am always on stage
Or some one is after me with a knife, or a sword, or a gun
Or the snakes are chasing me and dragons are coming at me from some un-known, hidden directions
First of all I can't sleep
Perhaps with the fear that demons will come and join me in bed
And then at 4 in the morning they all come and engulf me with the fear of what I left behind and with the fear of whats coming..................

Nothing much is coming
Thats for sure
And who said all of us have to have a positive, optimistic life?
Not me
Thats for sure
And there is nothing you can do about it.........

And why every one in this un-happy world expects every one to be up beat and promising and positive?
The negative person is never being liked
But all this positive attitude
Positive attitude?  My butt
How can one be positive with Insomnia, then night mares, then no employment in the morning,
then too much fat around the belly, then eating bread and cheese..............and looking at face book all day and reading about other people's accomplishments.
Every one on face book is accomplishing something somewhere............
But thats face book
My dreams never has face book in it...........
My dreams don't even have any face
Just snakes and daggers and devils
I live amongst the devils at night
And what about the day?
I better keep my mouth shut about that
I am already not such a well loved personOnly the devil loves me
Comes at night, every night...........
The dreams stopped for a while while I was traveling but came back with a vengeance when I came back............
Thats interesting
Thats very interesting indeed
The terror is here
The terror is here
Lots of terror
Here.............
At night it comes the shadow
Wasn't that the title of one of my performance pieces?
Yes, it was
And it was done at the Living room on the corner of Stanton and Allen street
Now everything is gentrified and Living room is gone
There is a bar there instead where people are happily drunk
They are also performing their performance art
Gentrification is also a new huge experimental performance art
We are all artists now
The real estate, the city, the builders, the buyers, the sellers.
I wonder if the devil visits them in their dreams or the devil likes non working artists...
Artists?
MY BUTT.................