THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND SOME ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
 I WAITED AND WAITED
I WAS ALSO NOT READY
DIDN'T FINISH WRITING
OR COMPILING WHATEVER i WAS SUPPOSE TO READ THAT NIGHT
OR PERFORM
PERHAPS IT WAS A SCRIPT
WHICH WASN'T YET COMLETE

This dream is so very vague
But I did dream
Something chaotic in a wide spread way like my emotions
Nothing linear
All circular
Going around and around
I was very un-happy when I slept

I was upset about wasting my whole day under subtle pressure
Not being able to say, "NO"
Being slightly shocked by being surprised and not have the pre-determination
to be able to make a quick excuse to get away from the situation fast and saved my day and my money un-necessarily spent
It often happens
It happens frequently
I am never prepared to get away from a situation of not my making

Can not say, "NO:
Too much sense of obligation
I wonder why?
Some kind of obligation is ok perhaps
But not obliged to the whole planet
So I was upset before I slept
And in my dream wandered around looking for this and that
And not finding it
In this dream I think it was a ride
Some one was going to give me a ride somewhere Important
And that some one was not around
While I was also not ready
I remeber writing
Writing something
But It wasn't enough
I had couple of pages in my hand
Which I put in a drawer to keep them safe
But I was aware that those pages won't fill an hour
So it must be a script
The play can not be so short
At least an hour
Yes, it should fill at least an hour
People are paying for it
Keep them there for one and a half hour
But certainly an hour
Not less than that
Unless you are Fiona Shaw and the script is, "Wasteland."
Thirty seven minutes to be exact and seventy dollars
Well! stars can do everything
But even in my dream I felt the script has to be filled up

I kept the few pages in the drawer and looked for the person
With whom I was going to go somewhere........
Then I was dreaming of colors, bright colors
and food
Perhaps it was fruit
I haven't been eating fruit lately
I have been eating badly
Maybe thats why I go through these awful dreams
But my dreams have been awful for a long time
More like nightmares
I wake with great anxiety and sweat.
I have no friends

Perhaps that is the anxiety
But every one complains of not having friends
But it doesn't seem to bother them
Perhaps I am not busy enough
Yes, thats what it is
Not busy enough
Say it three times to confirm....
;Not busy enough."
;Not busy enough."
'Not busy enough."

People have projects
They don't even have time to call any one or to call back or to even pick up
the phone when some one calls them.
I want to be like that
I don't want to answer the phone when it rings
But my phone doesn't ring much
Some days it doesn't ring at all...................

But I should not pick it up even when it rings
I should not
I want to be like that
Not pick up the phone
Behave important
Say, "NO"  when I am in a situation I don't want to be in,
Say, "No and walk away
But I don't
I can't
Then I am upset for the rest of the day
Then I dream bad dreams

In my dream all of a sudden while I am looking for that some one to take me somewhere
All of a sudden there is a big platform which is covered by white sheets
Some one pick up the sheets and an amazing thing happens
The platform is full of hundreds of colorful bracelets
Glass bracelets
Colorful glass bracelets
Thousands of them
Where am I?
Thats my country
Thats where all the colorful bracelets are being sold
Thousands of them
And women are buying them
So many bracelets and so many women
All colorful
Bright bracelets and bright people
Bright colors buying colorful bracelets under the bright sky....
Where am I?
I am home
Then I wake up................
No, I am not home
I am sweating
The room is dark and hot
I am alone
I am not home
Where am I?
I don't know
What do I do here?
Nothing
Just go along
WHATEVER IS THERE i JUST GO ALONG
WASTE MY TIME
WASTE MY LIFE
JUST GO ALONG
Can't say, 'NO'.......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were three or four men
Seemed like an important conference or a lecture
They all seemed like celebrities
Whatever that means

One of the men seemed familiar
As if I knew him
Not only knew him but liked him at some point in my life
He didn't see me
I was part of the audience
Or maybe part of a class
Not much audience anyway
A few of us sitting opposite them

I wonder if the man was the man I was thinking about
Or just a look alike
In a little while it will be more clear if he is the same one
His face was towards the other speakers
Experts maybe
Men are mostly experts
Like on TV

They sit and speak often interrupting others and shouting
Then the other expert interrupts and shouts
And then the Republican expert shouts
And then the democratic expert shouts and then the TV show of experts is over
But these men were not shouting
I think they were English
English men, experts stay calm
Only the American man, the host shouts
There is a lot of aggression in American culture

Every one is at the edge of anger
Its like they are saying, "YOu want to say something, anything, I will break your bones, I am American, don't you know that? And if you do don't forget it."
So one is always afraid of saying anything
Anything which might not be according to their opinions which were made long time ago.
Its like this, 'We are always right and if you say anything otherwise we will use the stun gun on you."
How about that...............

But that was not part of the dream
In the dream this man, the man I thought I knew was very calm and seemed English
THATS ALL i WANTED TO SAY
Because the dream didn't compare any cultures such as British or American
So lets get back to it

In the dream I was interested to find out if the man who is going to speak soon, speak about whatever...
War or peace
What a joke
The word peace never appears in my dreams
It never even appears while I am awake
But now, since I am so disappointed in my waking hours
I sleep a lot
A lot of sleep is very good for your disturbed days
And the moment I arrive at JFK my disturbed days begin to disturb me

"SAMME? SAME AGAIN?"
I keep saying to myself
'Same what?"
'Same loneliness, same alienation, same lack of funds, same hourly lies of people
who promise to call you but never call you."
Well to hell with people, they are not so important any more
And I say any more because they were once very important to me.
'Oh! they were so important, so very Important, people I mean,
all kinds of people, relatives, off course, so, so, so, so important, lovers, friends, school mates, neighbors, homeless, beggars, passersby, every Tom, Dick and Harry was so important
So my life energy was spent on frivolously important people
So now I have no life energy,only awful dreams
At the end of my dream, I never get anything................
The thing I am looking for I never get it in my dream
Maybe its not my dream actually, its my life perhaps
Its my life which turns into a dream and it ends with an un-fulfilled want..................
I guess thats the best analysis of my dreams
Now I am turning into an expert also like those men
sitting so sternly on those chairs waiting to give us their expertise
But I am not waiting for this particular man's expertise
I am waiting to see if this is the man I once desired and if he is going to recognize me

And then I have a sudden urge to pee
And I leave the room in search of a restroom
When I come back
I can't find the place
Neither the room nor the building
I frantically look for the place
I know I never went very far
I came out of the room
Turned left
Then turned right and there was the restroom
So when I couldn't find the place I repeated the same motions again and again
This time I turned right first and then turned left but no building such as the one I left a moment ago
There were off course other buildings, courtyards, lawns, people sitting on the lawn.....
They seemed like students
So this was a university after all
So those men must be professors
The men I couldn't find any more

I walked around and around
But alas never got there
Then I asked some one
And an ominous looking man told me ,"that building is very special and once you leave it you can't
enter again."
And I told him that," I can't even find it."
And he said, "once you left, that building stopped existing for you."
 and I was so overwhelmed
and I told him that, " I only went to the rest room because I really had to go and had no intention to leave the building for good."
And he said, 'Never mind, restroom or no restroom, you had to know the rules and you had to follow the rules."
And I said, "NO one told me the rules."
And he said, "No one is supposed to tell you the rules, you have to know them yourself."
And he took my phone with him declaring, "You must not use the phone to call anyone inside either."
And then he left
I wasn't going to call anyone in there
I didn't know any one
I don't even know why I was there to begin with
But since I saw that man I became curious and wanted to see if he would recognize me...........
Actually I wasn't sure who that man was
Maybe he was a man of no importance
But I still wanted him to recognize me
Well that is a problem in my life
I think of so many things
So many people
People of no consequence
Things of no consequence
all day long
All day long
Every day and then think of things of no consequence all night long
All night long................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

The room was full of people
Mostly women
It was a center of some kind
Not a shelter
But some kind of fancier a place
It was called, 'NOMAD"

Just from the name I could assume
In my sleep that its a kind of place
Where women, clever women can get some kind of help
If they know how to approach the subject right

I wonder why I was there
Neither am I so clever
Nor have I ever gotten any kind of monetary help
Or any ind of help especially from women
But I was there nevertheless
Because if nothing else I am smart
I knew that even in my sleep
So people use my brilliance of all kinds
To help others who are much more manipulative than me...
Cunning for sure
People are so cunning
Not all of them
But most of them are cleverly cunning
That sound more positive than just being cunning
So I was there
I wonder why?
But I knew in my dream that I wasn't getting any money
Or any other kind of support
I just support others
People sugar coat me with sweet talk and
I like a fool that I am just do whatever is required of me to do

'Are you paying me for this by any chance?
Once in a while I gather my courage to ask them
'Don't you have an Inheritance from back home?"
They say
'What?"
'Arn't you an artist with inheritance?"
They think I am from Doris Duke family
It has happened so often that I have completely stopped asking for money of any kind
From any one...........
I just do the volunteer work
Without being a volunteer.

I hate the word, "Volunteer"
People say, "After I retire I am going to do some volunteer work to keep busy."
"ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOME VOLUNTEER WORK AFTER YOU RETIRE?"
What a joke
And its not so funny
I tell funnier jokes even in my sleep
Since Bill Cosby is retiring, too tired from you know what
They should hire me on NBC or ABC
To fill the gap
I will be better than Bill
Because I am not going to rape women....
Women are safe with me
Thats why I was at that women center called, NOMAD
To help some downtrodden, unfortunate woman in need
I might have just left that center and helped myself
But as usual I stayed....

And lo and behold
One of the woman, a very beautiful and actually stunning woman
Little bit darker, as if she was from the Islands or so
Started to sob and tell all of us how she needs help
Help with money
What else?
DON'T WE ALL NEED HELP WITH MONEY?
What a simplistic statement
So she was sobbing and telling us some tragic story
And the lady in charge told her that she is going to talk to the boss
about her dilemma........

Then the scene in the dream changed
Now we are out doors
Not every one
But some of us
I am sitting on a bench near the courtyards wall and I noticed that
Exotic lady who was crying earlier is sitting on the opposite side of me
She was wearing a black dress with a llow neck
As low as it can get
And a man comes out
Supposedly he is the boss of Nomad
And he stands behind her bench
From where he can see her boobs throughly and completely

And he greets her not with words
But with a kiss
Kiss not on the cheek or any other place
But kiss at her bosom
Imagine that!
I utter those words in my sleep
He for sure will help her
I said to myself
And she would for sure help him
Thats how you get the money
Not with a resume
But with bosoms..............

He leans all over her still standing behind the bench and whisper
Some delicious words in her ears and she lights up
Like the lightning in the sky before the storm.....

Then the scene changes agin
This one is a long dream and pretty coherent
Usually I don't remember my dreams
I don't want to because most of them are awful dreams
But this one I remembered while I woke up because
first of all its not so awful so far and second it has romance brewing in it
Or at least sex is being promised
Thats something in this day and age where people are only
having sex with their iphone

;Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I said to one of my so called friend
Every one calls every one a friend while a friend is so hard to find these days
But I have been looking for a friend since I arrived at the Elis Island
and Haven't found one yet
But the beauty of the struggle of any kind is that eventually you don't
really need or care for the thing you have been struggling for
And that doesn't mean, "Given up."
Like the most modern world says, "Oh! you have given up."
'Yes, you are right.  I have given up.  For sure given up on you, you the lier of the hour."

"Can I look at your lover inside your phone?"
I repeated myself
I love repeating thats why I am not published
I am not Gertrude stein
Some people can repeat and repeat and repeat but they own art salons in Paris
And have Picasso there on the wall plus in person
I am just trying to have this so called friend with iphone to take her eyes off the damn phone
She still insists that she loves me
So why the fuck you can't take your eyes off off that stupid instrument in your hand
But I digress
Lets forget her
She is a woman of no importance
If Oscar Wilde had not written that play called," Woman of no importance."
I would give this woman, my friend the title
The lady like title,  "A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE."
And that would be the end of the story
See how easy it is to just wipe off people from your slate?
Its like a black board with white chalk and a piece of cloth or even a napkin
Thats why no painter ever painted  on a black board
Everything is erasable on a black board
I am going to have my mind just like a black board and erase
all people of no importance instantly
They were only the figures drawn with white chalk on a black board.............

See how wonderful a treatment I have come upon just by talking to you...
No planning of going to a doctor to find out what to do with all that rubbish
I myself have found the solution to just wipe them off from the blackboard
Blackboard of your mind...............
Their images and their sincerity was of white chalk on a blackboard
I just wiped it off
Now everything and every body is of no importance to me.....................
They were of no importance anyway but I gave them too much Importance
But it just occurred  to me what to do with them
And in an instance they are just gone, disappeared for ever................

So since I am much healthier now let me go back to my dream
So where was I?

Ok, he just whispered something in her ear and she lit up
I guess he promised her money
Wasn't that what she was asking earlier in the room full of women?
Yes, I remember, she was asking for money..............

Then the scene changes again
This is for sure like a movie
Some one should steal this material and make a movie
Since this is on the internet and people steal right and left and with my skills on the internet
I would never know....and the assholes will never give me credit or mention my name ever
Its happened before but hell, let them steal and be somebody because at the end no body is any body......
All will vanish from the face of this miserable world and the fame will vanish too because the other
art thieves will become famous for a while and then die too.....

All right, we are all going to do but lets finish the dream since its been a long time
That I have written about them....
Because the moment I go to pee they all vanish
The dreams are like famous people who stole from others ideas and then vanished...
But strangely enough I do remember the ending of this dream but some how or the other I am unable to get to it today....
The thoughts, my thoughts keep scattering into my stream of consciousness like the singing birds...
Yes, I have birds, lots of birds, cages and cages full of birds who sing to me..............

Any one who steals this scenario and write a screen play out of it please be sure to have lots of birds in the film like Hitchcock's BIRDS but not evil birds but sweet colorful birds like mockingbirds....

In the net scene we are all outside in the street...
The beautiful woman and the boss of the institute named, NOMAD  are standing near a garbage container with a huge , I mean huge blue garbage bag....
There are some other men with them also who are helping the boss and the lady to discard somethings
Into the garbage container in the street
The blue garbage bag is so stuffed that I guess they are trying to lighten it so its easy for them to carry or whatever....
I am not clear about the reason why  they are doing it but they keep putting stuff in the container
Bags after bags are going inside the city garbage container....

At this point I notice three cops standing on the opposite side of this very busy street
and all of a sudden a cops notice this activity and let it continue without any interruption.

So lots of stuff is out of the blue bag and then comes out an other blue bag, a huge bag
that bag is full of cash, I mean brand new notes and thousands of them one can feel
the enormity of heaviness of stolen money even in a dream and I felt it so completely
and then.....that bag full of cash is the only bag which goes back into the original bag,
Of course they don't throw the money in the garbage container, of course not, only the other rubbish
which was hiding the money beneath the rubbish....................

At that very moment the cops move in with their guns drawn
And you know what happens when the guns are drawn by the cops.............
Cops move in and the criminals are stunned.....
How silly to be stunned to say the least............

But in my dream I am unable to figure it out why were they doing this in the street
during the bright sunlight of a sunny day throwing trash in a city garbage container
when they had tons of stolen money on them......
I couldn't figure that out while I was asleep dreaming
And then It seemed like I was back in the center again trying to explain my difficulty
to some of the people......
"But how could you be so stupid to expose the stolen money right in the middle of the street
with tons of traffic and millions of people walking back and forth>
I mean how could you be so stupid?
You can't be stupid while you have been so smart at the same time to lay your hands on so much money for so long and now you are doing all that in the street...................

Is this a movie or my dream?
It can't be my dream
Even the dreams have some logic
These things can only happen in a movie....
So this was a movie
Oh! gee, some one had already stolen my script and made a movie while I was sleeping
and dreaming about it.
People are so ahead of me
The internet is working after all
The so called girl friend of mine was not having sex with a lover inside of her iphone, she was making a movie of my material right in front of me..............
She stole my script while I was wide awake sitting next to her still asleep.....................dreaming
dreaming if birds singing in my movie, the movie I will make some day of my words, my own
very hauntingly beautiful words while she already had the copyright...............
She was a thief like all those people who stole all that money who got caught but I woke up before
I could have the pleasure of seeing her behind bars...............................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It was a performance of some Greek tragedy.
Every one was running around in togas and swords in their hands
I wonder who they were going to kill?
But for sure they were planning some kind of murder.
Swords must be used for some-thing dangerous
But perhaps they will spare people
It was only a play
But was it?

And why there is always killings and terror in my dreams?
I wish Freud was still alive........
Did I suffer from some kind of terror related trauma in my childhood?
As far as I remember my childhood was great
Only in my adult life which had been spent in un-familiar territory
That I have experienced some un-known, un-explained fear
But who knows maybe it was somewhere lurking around deep in my psyche during my childhood

There is always a night mare of me being late, me missing the train, me missing the plan,me not knowing the lines, but I don't even perform so much and the night mares are always about missing the performance or not knowing the script.................

At-least in my nightmares I am always on stage
Or some one is after me with a knife, or a sword, or a gun
Or the snakes are chasing me and dragons are coming at me from some un-known, hidden directions
First of all I can't sleep
Perhaps with the fear that demons will come and join me in bed
And then at 4 in the morning they all come and engulf me with the fear of what I left behind and with the fear of whats coming..................

Nothing much is coming
Thats for sure
And who said all of us have to have a positive, optimistic life?
Not me
Thats for sure
And there is nothing you can do about it.........

And why every one in this un-happy world expects every one to be up beat and promising and positive?
The negative person is never being liked
But all this positive attitude
Positive attitude?  My butt
How can one be positive with Insomnia, then night mares, then no employment in the morning,
then too much fat around the belly, then eating bread and cheese..............and looking at face book all day and reading about other people's accomplishments.
Every one on face book is accomplishing something somewhere............
But thats face book
My dreams never has face book in it...........
My dreams don't even have any face
Just snakes and daggers and devils
I live amongst the devils at night
And what about the day?
I better keep my mouth shut about that
I am already not such a well loved personOnly the devil loves me
Comes at night, every night...........
The dreams stopped for a while while I was traveling but came back with a vengeance when I came back............
Thats interesting
Thats very interesting indeed
The terror is here
The terror is here
Lots of terror
Here.............
At night it comes the shadow
Wasn't that the title of one of my performance pieces?
Yes, it was
And it was done at the Living room on the corner of Stanton and Allen street
Now everything is gentrified and Living room is gone
There is a bar there instead where people are happily drunk
They are also performing their performance art
Gentrification is also a new huge experimental performance art
We are all artists now
The real estate, the city, the builders, the buyers, the sellers.
I wonder if the devil visits them in their dreams or the devil likes non working artists...
Artists?
MY BUTT.................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

We were in a performance space
It seemed like we were no one on the list
But this evening the other group started to perform instead of us while we were already on stage
Now we had to sit still and watch them

My co-star was sitting next to me
He was sitting next to me trying to be familiar
But that was his role on stage only
But he was trying to be familiar on stage

Ok, we were not performing yet
But we were still on stage watching the other performers
Who changed the order?
We have no idea

And my co-star looked like some one from real life
A short man, kind of a hustler
I don't like that person
I don't like him at all
And he was supposed to be my love interest in my lousy dream
But he was trying to flirt with me while other actors were acting
That is so rude
When people do things and keep doing things while actors are struggling with their parts on stage

People should not come to the theater at all
They don't seem to be interested in actors
They are only interested in themselves and whoever is on their phones
I think they have apps to make love right in-front of you with some one inside of their phones
Apps for everything...
Apps for pissing
Apps for shitting
Apps for sex
Apps for killings
Apps for fighting
But no apps for manners
Manners ? What?
Please..............

People with manners are old fashioned
Those people are either dead or gone away to another planet
"What did you say bitch?"
Thats the manners right now.
'I will break your fucking spine you whore"
'You are looking at me you whore...why the fuck are you looking at me for?"
Those are the apps for manners for you right now.
Right now the world sucks
Right now the dreams suck
You dream what you fucking go through during the god damned day

So this short little chubby little piece of shit actor is trying to flirt with me
Its hard enough to go through during the performance but already
while another performance is going on and we are already on stage
Whose idea was this?
Now all are stting is disturbed
I can't find any props
I can't find any chairs
I don't remember my blocking
Which way is the stage and which way are we going to sit or stand?
I have no idea
We have to set it up or actually reset our stage right in-front of the audience
Who are now waiting for the second performance to go on because the first part of the evening is over
But what play are we doing?
Where are we going to sit or stand?
Who else is in the play beside me and this short man I hate in my life?
I have a needle and thread in my hand
Black long thread which I am supposed to give it to this short man before I go on stage
I give it to him
But that is the only thing I remember from my earlier performances
I know at some point during the play he is supposed to sit next to me and flirt with me
And I have to at out the love or the attraction I have for him
But sit where and on what?
There is a dirty looking chair facing the wall
Am I going to sit on that lousy chair facing the wall and flirt with this short fellow?
I can't do it
This is a lousy dream
This is an awful dream
It has to end
And all the audience members are on their iphones
They are texting to their lovers
They have lovers
I mean real lovers
How interesting
They have lovers inside of their phones as well as in real life
No stupid they only have lovers inside their phones
That is their real life
And your real life?
My real life is fucked up
And your dreams?
Can't you tell?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am running and running and running
From the East side to the West side
Late for a performance
Both booked almost at the same exact moment

When I go to the East side
I realize that the performer ahead of me is still not finished
They are running late
Then I worry that I will be late for the West side performance
So I run and run to the other side
There are lots of stairs and people on both sides
People are becoming hateful towards me
They see me running madly back and forth

When I come back again to the East side
I realized that the woman ahead of me is just setting up so I leave and run to the other side
I run fast
While I am running I am also shampooing my hair
I have a long cord for the hand held shower
I am washing my hair at the same time I am running to get to the venues to perform
The performance for which I am late
But they, the other people, the other performers are still not finished performing
So I wonder that maybe I should run to the other Venue on the West side and perform there first
So I run while still shampooing my hair and realize that I have left my coat and purse on the chair where the other performer was setting up her act
So I run back to the East side again to get my coat and my purse

I never make it to the West side Venue
Because there are lots of stairs on the both sides
East and West
Up and down, up and down I go
Back and forth I run
I run and run
But I never make it to any place
Not true....
I do make it to the East side Venue
But I never perform
Because my turn had not come yet
The other performers are behind
And then I run to the West side venue
But never make it there
Because there are so many stairs and people are rushing back and forth
and I can't hold on to the banister
And I am afraid that I will fall
So I leave the West side and run back to the East side
And my turn hadn't come yet..............
In my dream I am exhausted and feel that I am near a heart attack situation
But I still keep washing my hair with a hand held shower and spreading a lot of
water along the way
The road is so wet
I must fall on the wet road
But I keep running
I know in my dream that I am running very very fast
But I never make it to the West side venue and my turn to perform at
the East side venue never comes................

Then I wake up
I am sweating all over
Soaking wet with the fear
My heart pounding and pounding
The room is hot as hell
And I am so disappointed in my self
And I realized that I haven't performed in my awake life for a long time
And I haven't washed my hair since a month.............................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I am in a big room
There is a bed in the middle of the room
I am still in my pajamas
There is the owner of the house
I think he is my dear friend
Or maybe my lover
I don't know exactly

He keeps cleaning
Cleaning the kitchen sink
The dishes
The cupboards
We talk as he cleans
I feel cheerful
I know at some point he will come back to the bed with me
So he must be my lover
But he never comes back
He still cleans
He couldn't have been my lover
Lovers don't keep cleaning while there is a bed waiting for them in the middle of the room

Then the dream changes
All of a sudden two women show up
They are very critical of me
No they are not my lover's relatives
They are just two ladies
They criticize me
People criticize me a lot even when I am awake
So I am very sensitive to that
All of a sudden my mood changes
I am not feeling romantic any more
Seems like the real life
No romance
Just the feeling of being un-employed
Lack of money
That feeling kills the feeling of romance

Then the dream changes
I am all of a sudden in a cafe
Surprise, surprise
I am always in a cafe while I am awake
So its not such an awful dream
In the cafe there is another woman
It seems like that I like her
Thats very strange
Because I don't like any one much any more
Actually I hate people
I am full of hate
I love to hate
I hate every one these days
But it seems like I like her
Very odd
And she is leaving for good

Actually thats what I want
I want to leave for good
No, not this earth
BUT GO AWAY SOMEWHERE FOR GOOD
GO TO ANOTHER CORNER OF THE WORLD FOR GOOD
GO SOMEWHERE WHERE NO ONE KNOWS ME

Well I can stay here too
No one knows me here either
I mean really know me
Like they knew Omar Sharif
I am his relative and no one knows me
Thats odd

That lady in the cafe is moving somewhere else
We hug and kiss and say good bye
I am trying to be a nice person one more time
Sick of being nice
I want to be evil
If I can have another life I would love to be an evil bitch

We say good bye and I try to leave
And then some evil bitches in the cafe bother me
Bitches always nother me
I wonder why?
Either they are mad that I am a wild bitch
Or not much of a bitch at all
Every one hates me
I want to be like every one else
I want to hate every one
But I just hugged and kissed that lady who is leaving the town for good

I want to leave the town for good
Did I not say that before
I like to repeat myself
Didn't Mel Gusso say that?
He said, 'She has penchant for repetition."
Oh! Well, he is gone
God bless him
But every time I repeat myself I think of him
So at least I think of him
How many people think of dead people
All my dreams are about dead people
They appear at night as if they are living and are still mad at me
THE WORLD IS MAD AT ME
I WONDER WHY?
But who cares?
I do
Don't
Easy said then done

So what else happened in the dream?
I don't remember
But I do remember that I wanted to go some place else
And be anonymous
Wear beautiful clothes
Have a lot of money
Go every where
Sit alone and drink very cold, very expansive white wine and smoke  cigarette like the old times
But never talk to any one
Go every where fancy but never talk to any one
And then come back to a very clean apt with tons of flowers
Let some one else clean the place
Let me not see them cleaning either
Just let them leave before I come back
Sleep with great white pressed white cotton sheets and sleep and then go out to a garden the next day
And read a great book written by Camus
Or Duras or Poe and then go for lunch and talk to no one

Then I woke up
I have to clean my place
Its filthy
No flowers
No white sheets
Just filth.....................