IMAGINE AND IMAGINE, THEN IMAGINE AGAIN

Feel so homeless that can't even imagine an imaginary homeland.

The country I came from is falling apart

The country I came to is helping the previous country fall apart

Now sleep and Imagine

Or stay awake and Imagine the homeland

Home land left behind

And homeland occupied

Occupied what ?

The park bench if you are lucky

The moment has passed

The moment passes

The moment is in the past

Past is of the past

Past is in the past tense

Homeland is in the past

Its also the past tense

Move on

A very favorite two words by the progressive

Intellectual scholars..

"Move on."

Move on to which park bench ?

Move on to which avenue ?

Move on to which winter?

Move on to which slippery street ?

Move on to which crack on the road ?

"Move on"

"Don't be so negative."

"Move on."

 Why don't you move on ?

Wherever...

'Get out of my way."

Get out...

Its all in the memory

Memory is in the memory

Its memory based

Memory connected

Memory leading to another memory

And then to another memory

And when you are dying

Memory starts to fade

Like fades

Fades and then fades and then no Imagination

Then sleep,,,

Like the effect of anesthesia

Slowly going, going, going, gone...

It was them actually who didn't want me to have a homeland

It was them actually who wanted me to be homeless

It was them actually who took my park bench away...

Pause...

Pause...

Pause...

I said,"Pause."

Its written in the script

No, you don't want to follow the pause ?

Go be in some one else's play.

ALL THE WAY TO TIMBUKTOO

Where the hell you thought you were going ?

Where the hell you thought you were going to end up with ?

What the hell you were going to do when you get to Timbuktoo ?

Were you going to Timbuktoo ?

Where was it ?

Why did you want to go to Timbuktoo ?

What was so special at Timbuktoo ?

Was your mother there ?

Or your father ?

Or your brothers and sisters ?

Or your uncles and aunties ?

What promise Timbuktoo had for you ?

Where were you going to live once you got to Timbuktoo ?

What work would you have done if you ever got to Timbuktoo ?

What language would you have spoken if you ever got to Timbuktoo ?

Why did you want to go to Timbuktoo ?

Did you know where Timbuktoo was ?

Did you know if you would take a bus to go there ?

Or a train ?

Or a plane ?

Or a camel ?

Or a donkey ?

Or would you go there on the top of the monkey ?

And what were you going to do there if you ever got there ?

What clothes were you going to take with you ?

A coat ?

A sweater ?

A blanket ?

A shawal ?

A sleeveless shirt /

A pair of pants ?

A pair of jeans ?

Bathing suit ?

A long dress ?

A short dress ?

A very very short dress ?

A formal dress ?

A casual dress ?

Were you going to Timbuktoo alone ?

Were you going to Timbuktoo With your friends ?

Did you have friends to go with you to Timbuktoo ?

Did they know where Timbuktoo was ?

Did they know what they will do once they got to Timbuktoo ?

DREAM WITHIN A DREAM

In the dream

It was a play

I was supposed to be sleeping

Like I was in real sleep

And the other actor,  a woman was supposed to

wake me up

And that had to be the first scene of the play

But when she woke me up

I was screaming

'Oh! I came from such a good family."

'What happened to my life ?  Where did my life go."

And she kept saying that I am having a dream

But that wasn't supposed to be the language

Of the dream within the dream

And I was supposed to follow the script

But what was the script ?

I don't remember at all

But I remember that I forgot the script

"I was also trying to make up better words instead of just screaming

And the word,  poetry came to my mind

And the word, culture came to my mind

And there was another word also

Which I have now forgotton

But I distinctly remeber that I was in a play

And the first scene was supposed to be about a dream

I was having within the play

But what was the dream within the dream ?

I have completely forgotton that

CLASS ROOM

In the class room

People sit like young children

On small desks and small nursery type chairs

They all face the black board and the teacher

They are not supposed to talk

They need to be serious

They need to behave

They can't eat or drink

They can't tease girls on their right or left

They need to have pens and pencils

They need to have their note books

They need to come up with answers when the teacher asks them questions

They can't argue

They can't curse

They can't have a debate

They can't agree or disagree openly with any one

There is no room for any of that

Its a class room

I went to a class room yesterday

It was in the neighborhood

It was a small class room

Ten desks and ten chairs at the most

Ten students sitting on those small class room chairs facing the window which was facing the street

They were all facing the window as if they were told to face the window only

They were quite obedient

No one was talking

No one was laughing

No one was misbehaving

No one was even aware of the person in the next row

There was only one thing which had changed

There was no black board

There was no notebooks

They were still facing the window as if that was a black board

They were still very quiet

They were still very serious

No one looked at no one

They were looking down 

All eyes were downwardly cast

Instead of the note books they all had laptops

They were all looking at their laptops

The class room was very well organised

Rows of students were very straight

Students came and sat down facing the window as if it was a black board

Students came and sat down facing the window as if their teacher was standing there in front of the black board

Students came and sat down at their desks as if they were taking an exam

There was also an other thing different 

They all had a cup of coffee on their desks

The rules of the class room had changed a bit

The coffee cups were there

I didn't want to sit at the desk

I didn't want to face the same way as everyone else was facing

I didn't want to sit on thatnursery chair and stare at the window or at the laptop

I didn't have a laptop

I didn't want to go to school all over again

I finished school long time ago

All of a sudden I realized that all the students were adults sitting on the tiny nursery chairs and school desks

Staring at the window as if it was a black board

As if they all still in school

As if they all came to the class room on the day of exam

All serious,  non talking heads

As if they were all in a play with a single set to save money

As if they were directed by the British director Sam Mendez in Cherry Orchard

Where am I ?

Why am I back in school ?

Am I hallucinating ?

I was invited here for a cup of coffee by a lover

The lover is facing the window looking at his laptop like all other students

Have I gone back in time ?

Has time stopped ?

Why are they so serious ?

Why are they not talking ?

Why are they not playing and shouting ?

Why are they not laughing ?

Why am I in a class room ?

Why was I invited to a class room for a coffee ?

Why was I having this nightnarish dream of class rooms and exams and seriously un=happy students ?

Why was I invited by a lover to have a coffee in a class room ?

Why Is he not talking to me ?

Why is he on the lap top while he invited me for a coffee ?

Why coffee in a class room ?

Why is this adult lover in a class room all of a sudden ?

There were so many questions without answers

Then some one quietly shoved a menu in-front of my face while I was still standing

Oh!  its a cafe...........................

Oh! a new cafe in the fancy neighborhood

Oh! my lover invited me to a fancy new cafe in the neighborhood

Now I have to shut up and behave like a good obedient serious student

Now I have to shut up and stop complaining and order my coffee quietly without

disturbing the students....

They are in a class room...

Be quiet and have your luke warm coffee...

Didn't you want to go to a new cafe ?

Well your lover invited you to a new fancy cafe in the neighborhood

Its called, CLASS ROOM

RAIN AND RAIN AGAIN AND I WON'T LET THE SUNSHINE COME

Its raining again

This kind of rain is not romantic

You don't make love and then eat pancakes dripping with butter and syrup

You don't eat mangoes in the verandha

In this rain you don't want to sneak out of your parent's house and see your boyfriend

The boyfriend you don't have but you wish that you did...

In this rain you don't get together with your girlfriends from thr mahalla and sing

Thinking of your prince coming along on a white horse and taking you abroad

In this rain you don't want to just sleep and sleep and dream and dream

In this rain you need an umberella which is broken

In this rain you need to buy another umberella which will break instantly with the hail and wind and you will be soaking wet....and totally miserable

In this rain you will be cold and shivering

In this rain your feet will be soaking wet

In this rain you won't find water proof boots even if you pay a lot of money

In this rain all wet people will bump into you and curse you for the rain

In this rain people will just curse you

This rain is your fault

The broken umberella is your fault

The wet socks are your fault

The crowded wet cafe full of umberellas is your fault

This kind of rain is a wet, ugly, constant , mean little drizzle. it wets your mood

for un-happiness

Everyone is unhappy, its catching

People running to the bus in the rain

Bus leaving just when they get to it

Bus leaving

They cursing the bus, the driver, the rain, their unberella

People are in a bad mood in this kind of rain

"people are angry

Because of the shitty rain

People want to get into a cinema to see a killer movie so they can feel good

Kill some one and make me feel good because my umberella is broke and its wet and lousy outside....

The movie ticket price is now raised because its raining outside

Today its a good day to raise the price of movie ticket, coffee,  muffin, jam, butter...

"These sons of bitches coming to the cafe everyday while I am stuck here"  The waitress is in a bad mood because its wet and raining outside

She would rather be in bed dreaming of being served rather than serving the lousy angry miserable customers

This is the planet of anger and misery

People are consuming a lot of food and come out of the cafe looking so miserable

Now they are looking for some one they can shoot...in the streets and get away with it

So instead they curse them,  bump into people and curse them for being in your way....

People ate so much food and are still miserable because its raining and now they have to find

another place for coffee and food

They don't mind eating more, they just don't want to pay more money for eating more....

Free things are very popular in the rain

A free movie,  a free hot chocolate,  a free strong umberella...

Its raining ...

Its not raining, its drizzling

Its shitty out side....

Umberella is broken...

Shoes get wet

The socks get wet

No mangoes

No verandha

No sehallian

No songs

No dreams of the travels abroad

Abroad is all soaking wet with the drizzle and dog shit melting in the drizzle and coming under your shoes to your so called living rooms which are living rooms plus sleeping rooms plus cooking rooms plus toilet rooms

Now you are abroad and you are bringing all the wet dog's shit under your soaking wet shoes right into your studio apt which is the size of a closet without the closet

Now the dog shit is going to smell and stink and stink while you will try to think of making love with the boy friend that you don't have

Its that kind of rain which can makes you miserable

Its not the romantic rain of your long lost dreams

All people's misery is your fault....

WHAT IS THIS MELANCHOLY ?

At the rise of the sun

It comes

The anguish

The waking up

The first feeling is,  oh! gee, what now ?  the sameness of the last day...

Again and again

What is it that one wants ?

Should be happy to wake up

But there is always a sense of loss and waste

when the eyes are trying to open to greet the day

People say its all negativity

But what do people know

People just talk and make remarks

Without any knowledge of anything

History, culture, exile,sensitivity,differences, otherness

People just talk and then abruptly try to leave saying,  "Got to go,  have a meeting."

There is no meeting, its just they already said what they were going to say

'All negativity."  people say

As if they are so full of brilliantly shining positive thoughts

Wouldn't they sit down rather,  get rid of their cells and get involved

in a serious discussion and an educated debate instead of attacks and provocations...Its all a waste,  waste of energy,  waste of time,  these Un-informed, slightly uneducated, hurried

little snippets of racism and put downs before they run to the meeting....

People are ignorant of the things they talk about

Well,  most of them know nothing of importance and behave like they are experts of all matters

of Asia and the East and the religion especially....

I wish they got to their meeting much earlier,  before they saw me even...

Maybe its that feeling of running into Ignoramus,  Experts that I dread when I am trying to wake up...

Oh! now another day of listening to their expert opinions of my religion and race

which depress me while I am trying to open my eyes....

Oh! gee, now they are going to attack me for all the crazies running around with their Kalishnakovs...and all I wanted was to have a hot cup of coffee which is as rare

in the Western cafe's as the Islamic countries now without the suicide bombers....

"Why can't you make the cappuccino hot ?  Damn it ?"

"I don't know...go ask the terrorist how come they can't stop the terror."

The waitress answers....

Can you believe this ?

Every culture has its problems

In the West its impossible to have a steaming hot coffee without a lengthy question answer

argument with the waitress and who wants to have an argument with the Islamist in the East...

Maybe thats the anguish when I wake up,  cold coffee of the West and the terror of the East...

I can;t figure this out....I am not as brilliant as the rest of them who are constantly running

to their meetings

Maybe my anguish in the morning is that I have no meeting to attend to so I keep going back for the luke warm coffee of the West...and pay for it....

You pay for everything in the West.....

There is nothing for free....

Back home at least hot tea was for free....

}Have tea."  Your neighbor says

"No khallaji,  I just had tea."

"Have another cup...its really gharam, (hot)"

"Nian Khallaji,  bohat chia pee lee hey, (No auntie,  I have drank enough tea today.)

"Koi baat nahein...aur pio,  gharam gharam, (Don't worry have another cup,its really hot."

Who is going to give you tea or coffee with such affection and with perfect warmth and for free ?  Only in the East,  only in the East....see we have terrorism but also free hot tea...

In the West after paying $ 5 atleast,  the coffee comes like the luke warm piss and dare you complain to the all knowing,  miserably unhappy,  attitudy waitress....she is ready to throw you out long before you dare open your mouth....

Maybe thats my anguish when I open my eyes for the first time in the morning..

"Oh! gee now I have to pay $5 for the shitty coffee...."

But I don't have to go to the cafe for that lousy coffee

But then what do I do ?

I have no meeting to go to....

I am an artist.....ha..ha..ha..ha...go ask the Village Voice if they think you are an artist...

Maybe thats my sense of loss and waste when I wake up in the morning....

Sense of loss ?  sense of waste ?  from the sayings of Village Voice ?  A lousy free paper...

more lousy than the lousy coffee....thats the reason for tour sense of anguish....

You need more self respect girl......

Feel totally accomplished that the Voice skipped you.............

Wake up happy from now on....the cause of happiness and accomplishments have been explained to you today.

AND THATS HOW IT GOES

Around and around

In my head

The same sound,  the same noise.  the same image

By the time I want to concentrate on it and make some sense of it

It goes around and around in circles

Of past,  present and the future

Now these are big issues,

The past

The present

The future

It seems like all is past

Past and only Past,

The present went along un-noticed

The Idea of the future is scary

Yes,  every one has their scars

Yes,

But the worry is about mine

Mine and only mine

Scars....

Its a scab,  if its seen

If its not,  its a scar within

Some superficial scars can be visible

Everything is visible and non visible

Cafe will save the soul

Thanks for the cafe

Which cafe ?

I have no idea...

Cafes don't save scars

They just hide them for an hour

By the time you reach the apt

the scars come out like roaches

running around fast from direction to direction

As if in competition with each other

Every one is in competition

Humans and roaches

Or they are the same ?

How come there are still roaches running around ?

The cleaning lady doesn't do such a good job

How many times I have bought her that scary looking bug spray...

I hope no one spray that at me

Every human being thinks the other is a roach

and they want to squash them under their feet on the side walks

" Excuse me,  you just hit me on my shoulder."

"Oh,  actually I wanted to squash you under my feet."

He murmurs....

"Excuse me ...what did you say ?"

'Nothing lady,  mind your own buisness lady."

"MInd my own buisness...mind my own buisness...you just took my

shoulder out of its socket and I should mind my own buisness ?"

'Yes,  actually,  mind your own buisness lady,  I wanted to squash you under my feet,

you are one hell of a lucky bitch."

"What did you say ? "

"Stop saying,"What did you say ? and move fast,  you are in NYC...people squash the slow."

After being escaped from the side walk with the aching shoulder now I have to watch

the marathon of the running roaches all over...

Why didn't the cleaning lady sprayed the roaches and killed them all ?  Why the hell do I pay her so much money ?  These God damned immigrants,  can't live with them,can't live without them....

She didn't spray them

She forgot....

Like me

I am forgetful....

Did I have a present ?

A future ?

I forget

Do I have a cleaning lady ?

Do I ?

Now seriously,  do I have a cleaning lady ?

Looking at the parade of roaches it seems like I don't

I don't what ?

I don't have a past,  present,  future...its all go around kind of a film

which plays all day and night...its not real...nothing is real

Its all in circles,  circles of colors and seasons,  mostly winter and cold and aweful grey wet rain

thats nice,  "Aweful wet rain."

Very erotic,  very sexy...wet rain......

Wet rain is for real

And the circles going round and round ?

Hazy,  fuzzy,  foggy,  

Not clear,  just some images as if something did happen

Or maybe didn't happen

All kinds of possibilities are possible

Things happen and at the same time they happen so fast,  so un-expected that it doesn't seem

like they happened at all.

Its like , I can't remember.....

What ?

What can't you remember ?

Do I have a cleaning lady ?

KAHAN SEY TUM CHALLI

Kahan sey tum challi

Aur kahan tum pounchi

rasta tha lumba

Aur ghum se bhra

Jub sham dhalli

Aur rat bhalli

Naa aunkh lagi

Naa yad bhooli

Wapis jana tha

Maghar sumandar tha lumba

Aur ghera undhera

Siruf yad mein roshni thi

Jismein sahan tha

Sehen mein beitheh they

Aur Aam khateh they

Baba aateh they

tu ith kur khareh ho jateh they

Aun se darthe they

Magar aun ka adab kurthey they

Aab intizar mein bethey hein

aab juk key bethey hein

Naa sehen hey

Naa aam hein

Magar hum aab free hein

Naa bab hey 

Naa amaa hey

Naa dur hey

Naa ghur hey

Jhub sham dhali

Jhub rat bhalli

Na ankh lagi

Na yad bhulli

Kahan sey tum challi

Aur kahan poonchi

Lumba tha safar

Gum se bhra

Jhub sham dhalli

Jhub rat bhalli

Naa ankh lagi

Na yad bhulli

WHERE IS LOVE ?

What ?

Love

What ?

Love,  I said

What about it ?

Where is it ?

Where is what ?

Love ?

Ha, ha, ha,ha

What does ha,ha means ?

In the age of computer you are asking,  "Where is love?"

Yes,  I am asking,  where is love ?"

Google it

Google what ?

Google love

You can google anything now

Google it and it will show up

It will ?

When you google anything it shows up so why won't love show up

Lets try,  lets google it right now,  lets see if love shows up...

But you will come back and tell us if it showed up ?

Yes

When will you come back ?

If love doesn't kidnap me I will come back right away

And if love does kidnap you ?

Then you will never hear from me again...then I will never come back...

PIN-DROP SILENCE

Its nice

To be surrounded by so much silence

Where even if some one take a breath

The whole ballroom will hear it...

While the ballroom has its own tremendous sound 

Not now but before...

Sound of the different levels of voices...

Screaming and yelling and laughter

People are out to have a good time

They are out for the night

In their ballroom gowns and gigh heels

Women that is...

And men in their usual prison

Prison of the knot of the tie

An expansive tie

A very expansive tie...

Red or blue or black or red and blue and white in one

But a tie...

Why men wear ties ?

Well why ?

No one asks

And no one will have a proper answer while all of them will

Put their two cents of opinions in the champagne bucket...

People love to butt in even if they have no opinions...

Most of them don't have any opinion...

They are there to please whoever invited them to that ballroom...

Now they have to laugh and smile on cue...

Otherwise they might not be invited back to the ballroom again

And how will they live without that invitation ?

They are all considered Important

Important to whom ?

To each other....

For what ?

To smile on cue....

Why are they smiling ?

Because they are eating Fillet Mignon for free....

Remember it costs five hundered dollars in the famous steak house...

So much meat...so much meat...

Isn't it dangerous for their health ?

They will go to the treadmill adjacent to their suites after the fillet mignon...

Thats if they don't have a heart attack after all that fancy free food...

Now they are all going to dance

Dance ?

But they are all so fat

Not all....

Some of the new leaders and their wives exercise...

Healthy they are..have their own organic chefs

'Eat healthy,  eat green."  they say to the very poor

Healthy ?

Green ?

In which bodega ?

With what money ?

Didn't the bankers take all the money ?

Oh,  don't worry,  the bankers are being given a lot more to fix it...

Fix the economy,  "Lets fix it."

Where is your hammer and nail ?

Nail that last dollar on the wall and fix it with the hammer...

Why are they all eating such expansive food while the economy is so bad....

They are here to fix the hunger of the poor nations and make peace.....

" What are we going to do about the death of so many innocent children in Gaza ?"

Silence....fell....pin-drop silence....pin-drop silence....

For a few seconds...the chatter stopped,  the clinking of the crystal  stopped....

And then the chatter began again and the smiles appeared as if it was a live tv reality show 

and the cue cards were being flashed around them.

'Smile now."

"stop now."

'Smile again."

"Eat your fillet mignon..Every thing is fine and if not,  we are here to fix it.  Thats our function.

We are here to fix it."

'Smile now...Show us your beautifully white teeth...Smile."

No more silence is necessary....people die all the time...children die all the time.

'Cheers."  'Cheers."

'Smile."   the cue card reads

READERS

They were all reading poems

So they said

"I am a poet."

So they said

And went on

And couldn't make sense of what they were reading

"Poems"  they said,  "Poems make no sense some times.

"Like life."  they said,  "Life just Passes by and makes no sense in the end."  they said

And they read and read and people slept and slept

It wasn't boring,  it just wasn't amusing or funny or heart wrenching

But why should it be ?

Why heart wrenching things are considered good ?

Poetry especially...

Not every one is Ted Hughes...

Lots of people committed suicide in his vicinity

his stuff has to be heart wrenching...

But poetry wasn't making any one laugh or giggle

But its not supposed to

Its serious stuff

People have to be serious and awake and alert and look sad

No,  that is not necessary...

Sad is just an expression

You don't have to be sad,  you can just look sad to make the tragic poet happy

But its not necessary...

Poetry can be happy and funny and Humorous

Though not many people are

Or they are not good readers...

Most of the good poets are not good readers...

They are busy writing

and who says they should be great readers ?

Its just more enjoyable if they were...

It will pass the hour in a fun kind of way...

Why do you always search for fun ?

I don't....not always but it can be fun to have some fun....

I love funny poetry and a funny reader

Then I have to come back to an-unfunny apt...

I have to have a funny reader to cheer me up...

I guess I should go for comedians and not poets

But comedians are so stupid,  so so stupid,  most of them...

Silly,  stupid....

They think that the more stupid they are the more funny they are...

But they are just stupid and no stupid person is a funny person

I can't be near stupid comedians

I will take a bad poet any day...

I am going to look for more poets reading their sad poetry

in a sadly bad way....

A reader is a reader is a reader....

I wish he was a good one....

I wish he could pronounce his words right...

I wish he could read his own writing with a tiny bit more confidence....

After-all he wrote it....

Why can't he read it ?

I mean read it well....

Oh,  well,  give the poor poet a break....

A good poet is not a good reader....Some times

Yes,  some times,  well,  most of the times,

A good poet is not a great reader.