THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

Its actually a dream I am dreaming while being awake
I opened a pandora's box
And now I can't put evverything back in there
It won't fit
I WONDER WHY NOT?

All those things came out of that box
But refuse to go back in there
No space.
Literally,
 there is no space

But how come?
Has the pandora's box shrunk?
It looks exactly the same
With dust on it
Thats the only difference

Before I hid it, It was shining
Now its black and blue
But thats the surface
Inside of it
It has become much smaller
I can't put those things which came out of it back

What came out of it is totally scary

Letters, phone numbers of people I neber called
Forgot to call...
But saved i case...
Those people and their phone numbers must be important
Why would I save them otherwise?
NOW I HAVE NO FRIENDS
NOW I WANT TO REACH OUT TO THEM
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE AND HOW I MET THEM?

Some numbers are from foreign countries
Berlin, London, france, Brazil

Seems like I have travelled much
But maybe I only met them in NY
I DON'T REMEMBER
iINEVER THOUGHT THAT i WILL EVER SAY THIESE WORDS
"I DON'T REMEMBER"

My memory was photographic...
But now I don't know whether I throw everything out or not?
In order for me to throw things out I have to look at them
And thats been taking hours upon hours and days upon days
Its not a piece of furnitur
That you look at it and instantly decide to throw it out
Its stuff...private, personal, some not so personal but sti;l under lock and key
Saved up for a rainy day

But now is the rainy day
Rainy days and rainy nights
lIVING ERE FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS AND THE PHONE NEVER RINGS
I guess its a rainy day
And a rainy night
People are busy worried about the rain
And keeping themselves dry

They are for sure dry
Their affection if there is any is dry
Their love, if there is any is dry
Their lies of always, 'being busy"
Is dry

But its amazing how one pick up the bad behavior and bad habits of others
'Now I always say, "HAVE BEEN SO BUSY."
This sentence is so awful but takes care of things.
No one can disputre you on this and you keep walking away from
Humanity if there us any humanity left at all
And then sits allalone and sips some luke warm coffe
You can't complain about the coffee either
Its not polite
But its very polite on the owner's part to take five dollars for coffee with tip and tax but
never giving you waht you enjoy.

Life is built like that.
Keep a fake smile and do not make vibes and keep saying
"Have been so busy,"
Yes, I am very busy right now
Trying to put some order into the disoredrly apt
Actually even me was so busy writing, directing, producing plays and acting in them as well
 There was not a moment to take care of anything else.
34 plays so far and counting
That should be considered, "Being busy"
Right?

But I still was social, was happy to see friends
Happy to talk, laugh, cry over the ways of the world.
I always thought it was extremely rude to say to people who come to
You from across the street with a smile on their face, genuine smile some times and
Say to them abruptly, "OH! I am so busy." Can't spend a second with you.

It was a good busy for me.
After writing the whole day I seeked people and friends in the evening to have a chat
I come from chattering classes
Democracy or no democracy in our country back home,
EWe  laughed a lot and talked a lot and ate a lot and sat in the sun a lot and sat on the
Green grass a lot....

This ,"DEMOCRACY" Is very lonely.  Alone, alone, alone...
Reda a book, good, enjoyable
ave a coffe, Good, enjoyable
Walk around the same Avenue...not so enjoyable...
But no conversation, no debate...nothing

All talks, even if you do talk at all are not deep and not interesting and are opioninated...
Talk to  democrat...he/she htes Trump
Talk to a republican. he/she hates Hillary
The end.....

World is bigger than Hillary and Trump...
This democracy doesn't want to deal with the world
And thts a problem
Thats a real problem.
Everything is related to everything else.
Nothing happens out of a Vaccum
Horrible events happen
Their is grief, sorrow, outrage till it dies down
Then something else happens
Then the rage and anger shifts to wards some thing else, some one else...
Then it dies down

No debate, no conversation, no solution.
Presidents come and go
The problems stay
Most of the time the same problems.
How many presidents here have the Issue with gun control?
How many people have died?
Is the Issue solved?

The same kind of lack of solutions happens in everyday life with people and friends
If there is something wrong between two friends or people in general
They would rather silently go away...instead of airing the issue which is upseting them...
They would rather not pick up the phone....

Icredible power of technology....
YOUR NAME APPEARS ON THE CELL PHONE
THEY LOOK AT IT
THEY DECIDE NOT TO ANSWER.
THEY KNOW WHO IS CALLING
THE CALLER ALSO KNOW THAT THE PERSON THEY JUST CALLED
LOOKED AT THEIR NAME AND DECIDED NOT TO ANSWER.

How sad that is for the power  oriented receiver and the caller who might
love this person or has something to share or is lonely or want to go have coffee withe the person he/she just called....

ll good intentions on the part of the caller....
The one who doesn't pick up....
I wonder how to describe that persion?
Busy?
Perhaps
Don't feel like talking?
Perhaps
Angry at you?
Perhaps
But you would never know
Would you?
After a while if you have any integrity left you won't call...
Would you?
If you did
You would be considerd needy....

Remember you are in a Western democracy.....
You are not in a thirld world country
Where you have time avaialble and since you are so downtrodden that you
laugh a lot to survive the pain of poverty and everything else
So you get together and eat and laugh and have some fun

But here the function seems like two folds... or three folds...
"POWER" PLEASURE" PROPERTY"  MARKET VALUES LIKE HAROLD PINTER SAID...

And those people's pleasure is not shared with ordinary struggling folks.
Its with other people of power and property.

Laughter belongs to the power and property here...........

Not to pick up your phone call when they think not only that you don't have power and property but you will never have in the future.

You got it all wrong in my case.....
I HAVE POWER.
I AM MASHALLAH STRONG
I HAVE WITHE THE BLESSING OF GOD DONE EVERYTHING ALONE
WITH NO ONE'S HELP.  NO ONE.  I SAY LOUD AND CLEAR.
I HAVE WORDS IN MY POSSESSION.
MANY WORDS
WHICH MADE PAGES AND PAGES OF MY HAND WRITTEN PLAYS....

AND ITS THE WRITING WHICH HAS FILLED MY APT...
ITS THAT PENDOR'S BOX I AM TALKING ABOUT.
ITS SO MUCH WRITING THAT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I SINGLE HANDEDLY DID IT....
NOW ITS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP IN THE APT...
THERE IS LITERALLY NO SPACE LEFT.
BOOKS, WRITING AND MY ART WORK.....
FILLS MY APARTMENT

AND I STILL HAD AND HAVE TIME TO CALL PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PICK UP.....
ACTUALLY I DON'T DO THAT ANY MORE BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE THOSE PEOPLE ANY MORE
BUT ONCE I DID.....
WHY WOULD I CALL OTHERWISE?
THEY ARE SO UN-FORTUNATE...
THEY LOST MY LOVE
AND MY FRIENDSHIP....

I WOULD READ MANY KINDS OF BOOKS AND THEN TELL THEM IN DETAIL
ABOUT WHAT THE AUTHORS SAID...
I EDUCATED PEOPLE UN-KNOWINGLY....

UT I NEVER PAID MUCH ATTENTION TO THE STUFF ACCUMULATING IN MY PLACE....

LAST MONTH I DECIDED TO DO THAT.
ITS UN=BELIEVAC=BLE.
IF ONE NED ANY HELP BY ANY ONE ITS ABOUT CLEANING AND ORGANIZING AND REORGANIZING...
THAT ENORMOUS CHORE YOU CAN'T DO ALONE....
YOU CAN HIRE PEOPLE....
BUT WHERE IS THE MONEY?
IF YOU ONLY WROE PLAYS, YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T MAKE MONEY TO PAY THE MOVERS AND PAINTERS AND CLEANERS...

AND YOU NEVER HAD ANY ONE TO HELP YPU BECAUSE YOU NEVER SHOWED ANY INTEREST....BECAUSE YOU WERE JUST WRITING...
YOU DIDN'T NEED HELP IN THAT....
BUT CLEANING AND THROWING FURNITURE OUT OF A FOURTH FLOOR APT WITH NO ELEVATOR....
PLEASE...DON'T TELL ME THAT I CAN DO IT......

BUT I HAVE REALIZED HOW WASTEFYUL AND UN-CREATIVE THIS WHOLE DAMN THING IS.....

I HAVE WRITTEN NOTHING...
I SAY NOTHING AND I AM THE PERSON WHO DID NOTHING EVERYDAY BUT WROTE, DREW AND READ...................
BUT NOTHING RIGHT NOW....

LOOKING AT THE DUSTY MESS SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE DEPRESSESS ME SO MUCH THAT WITHIN AN HOUR AT THE MOST OF DOIG SOME STUFF IN THE APT I TAKE A SHOWER AS IF THE DUST OF LIFE HAS ENTERED MY BEING...I SCRUBBED MYSELF,TIP TOE, WWEAR SOME CLEAN CLOTHES AND LEAVE

THEN I SIT IN A CAFE ALONE, ALL ALONE, ALWAYS ALONE...
AND DRINK LUKE WARM COFFEE, TOO TIRED TO COMPLAIN AND THINK OF MY LIFE.................

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?
BACK HOME THERE WILL BE FIVE STRONG MEN, HIRED HELP WILL DO EVERYTHING IN ONE OR AT THE MOST TWO DAYS...
THEY WILL WASH THE FLOORS, PUT EVERYTHING BACK IN ORDER....GET PAID, NO ATTITUDE, NO CURSING, HERE YOU CAN'T TELL THE CLEANIG LADY THAT YOU ARE DOING A LOUSY JOB...
SHE/HE WILL KILL YOU WITHE GUN SHE HAS IN HER BACKPACK...
SO YOU NEVER COMPLAIN...NEVER FOR COFFEE, NEBER FOR LUKE WARM CLEANING...OR PEOPLE NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE AND NEVER TELLING YOU WHAT'S WRONG....
YOU JUST ST ALONE AND THINK....
WHAT WAS MY PURPOSE TO COME HERE?

I GUESS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY CLUTTERED APT
TO BE ALONE....
TO WRITE PLAYS....

YES, I GUESS....
BACK HOME I WOULD HAVE HAD A GREAT CLEAN HOUSE, EVERYTHING IN ORDER, LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND BUT NO PLAYS.............

I WONDER WHAT'S BETTER?
NOW MY OWN CREATIVITY HAS BECOME A DREAM/NIGHTMARE WHILE I AM ASLEEP AND WHILE I AM AWAKE......

PEOPLE OF THIS DEMOCRACY KEEP AQUIRING, POWER, PLEASURE AND PROPERTY.
THEY CAN AFFORD AN EASY RENOVATION....
BUT ARE THEY WRITING PLAYS?
I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW TEM
I DON'T KNOW ANY ONE HERE.........

HOW LONG HAVE I LIVED HERE?
DOES MY PHONE RINGS?
SHOULD I CALL SOME ONE?

PLEASE DON'T
HAVE SOME INTEGRITY.....BESIDE LONELINESS...............
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