THESE AWFUL DREAMS
ITS LATE IN THE DAY NOW
I HAVE FORGOTTEN MOST OF MY DREAM
But it was very dramatic
And I thought that I would quickly write it down
But alas!
This and that hapened
And it all evaporated
But it was something like this...
My elder sister was there
And then there was a beautiful young boy
Maybe her grandson
And we were having a wonderful time
Laughing and eating and chatting away
Mostly gossip....
Bad mouthing other people and relatives
And it was getting quite dark
And I wanted to take that little boy out
And my sister was totally against it
Because it was dark and gloomy outside
But that was the reason that I wanted to take us outside
I knew it was going to get gloomy inside as well....
It always happens in my dreams
Dark and depressing...
More and more now
People say, "You are getting old now."
"Oh! my dreams are getting dark and gloomy because I am getting old now?"
:Yes, they say."
People are nasty and un-happy
So they want to make others un-happy to ease their misery
"I am getting these heavy looking bags under my eyes."
I said to a woman I know
(Women are usually more nasty then men)
"Because you are getting old."
She said
'I fell down"
I said
"Because you are getting old."
She said
'I have no friends."
I said
"Because you are getting old."
She said.
"You have mentioned the word, "OLD" three times by now
in a very short breath of the time....
I asid
Walked away....
I have walked away from so many people after their rude remarks so often....
But I digress....
We were having a dream and there was a beautiful young boy in it
How come these nasty creatures, these unhappy women making un-pleasant comments came in?
Who knows...
But in the dream I took the young boy out
And he didn't seem so very young any more...
I mean young but not three years ...
He was now a great looking 12 or 13 year old
And a a dangerous looking, lecherous man wanted to kidnap
him....
And I was so frightened and so was the boy...
And the dangerous man forced us into dark alleys
and gutters and horribly deserted places and we screamed and screamed
For help and no one heard us and I was so scared of this man as well of my sister...
What am I going to tell her if god forbid I lose her son.....
My fear was ominous and complete
And I wanted to run and run and run but I couldn't...........
And I have forgotten the rest....
Thank god because the ending was not good
No, not good at all
.....
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Friday, September 16, 2016
THESE AWFUL DREAMS
She was thereMy other sister
Qamar....
Young and beautiful
We were traveling somewhere
The night came
We had no night pyjamas
She opened her suitcase
She had night clothes for all of us
How thoughtful" I said in my dream
'You knew everyone's size?"
"Yup" she said
"Its not so tough to know every one's size"
She said
"Weren't we born together?" she said
'Doesn't matter" I said
'People forget."
'People forget everything"
'No love left, no affection left any more."
"Not with us"
She said
;Not with us."
"We will be forever together and love each other"
She said.....
Then I woke up,,,,
We haven't heard from each other for years...
No one calls, no one cares.....
No one...........
Then I went to the bath room to pee
I am getting up often in the middle of the night to go pee........
And the pee comes like a rain storm...
Keep going...keep going
'Wow! I say...
'Who knew I had so much piss in me?"
Then I slept again
Thank god...
Because once I am up I can't go back to sleep
Then I dreamt another dream....
What was it?
What was it?
I can't remember
Can't remember at all..........
Not one image
None.....
But I swear I dreamt another dream....
I swear...
Can't remember.....................
She was thereMy other sister
Qamar....
Young and beautiful
We were traveling somewhere
The night came
We had no night pyjamas
She opened her suitcase
She had night clothes for all of us
How thoughtful" I said in my dream
'You knew everyone's size?"
"Yup" she said
"Its not so tough to know every one's size"
She said
"Weren't we born together?" she said
'Doesn't matter" I said
'People forget."
'People forget everything"
'No love left, no affection left any more."
"Not with us"
She said
;Not with us."
"We will be forever together and love each other"
She said.....
Then I woke up,,,,
We haven't heard from each other for years...
No one calls, no one cares.....
No one...........
Then I went to the bath room to pee
I am getting up often in the middle of the night to go pee........
And the pee comes like a rain storm...
Keep going...keep going
'Wow! I say...
'Who knew I had so much piss in me?"
Then I slept again
Thank god...
Because once I am up I can't go back to sleep
Then I dreamt another dream....
What was it?
What was it?
I can't remember
Can't remember at all..........
Not one image
None.....
But I swear I dreamt another dream....
I swear...
Can't remember.....................
Thursday, September 15, 2016
THESE AWFUL DREAMS
it was me and Haroona
My sister....
And some one yelled,
"So and so is coming."
And we were always terrified of that name
And we ducked under the sink to hide
We were in some one else's room or house in South of France
And we felt that now we will have to go back without seeing nothing
And having no fun at all
Ten we were hidden in a car and some one was driving
And we were told that the driver was the one we were afraid of
And then we were much more afraid
Ten all of a sudden the driver turned his face towards us
And we were told that the driver wasn't the person we were afraid of....
And were being played upon again and again
And we were being frightened again and again
By some un-seen force and by some un-seen people
And then we were told that we can stay a little longer
And we were offered their place
The place where we have been very frightened.....
This was a second dream after I woke up and went to pee....
Before I went to pee was another dream
It was like we were rehearsing a play
There were lots of men in the group
Big men, Tall men, fat men wit bulging stomachs
They were part of a group but behaved as if they were
There on their own socializing in small little groups
They were always chatting amongst themselves And never sat in a circle facing me
I could not get their attention
They never shut up and never became one as a group
I tried so many times to get their attention
We had to start the rehearsal
The time was passing
The rehearsal room was booked for some particular time
And was given to someone else for another play
But the fat men chatted away
"Could we stop talking and begin?"
I said again and again but they won't hear me
They hardly ever noticed me
'Are they my actors?"
I desperately asked myself again and again
'And if they are, how come they are not listening to me?"
THEY WERE ACTUALLY NOT EVEN AWARE OF ME
But for sure in the dream we were supposed to rehearse
a play.....
And for sure in my dream it was my play
And for sure in my dream those were my actors
Those fat slobs
Those nonsense filled fat slobs were my actors
I was so ashamed in my dream.................
Te play never happened
Because it was never rehearsed
And then the time was up....................
it was me and Haroona
My sister....
And some one yelled,
"So and so is coming."
And we were always terrified of that name
And we ducked under the sink to hide
We were in some one else's room or house in South of France
And we felt that now we will have to go back without seeing nothing
And having no fun at all
Ten we were hidden in a car and some one was driving
And we were told that the driver was the one we were afraid of
And then we were much more afraid
Ten all of a sudden the driver turned his face towards us
And we were told that the driver wasn't the person we were afraid of....
And were being played upon again and again
And we were being frightened again and again
By some un-seen force and by some un-seen people
And then we were told that we can stay a little longer
And we were offered their place
The place where we have been very frightened.....
This was a second dream after I woke up and went to pee....
Before I went to pee was another dream
It was like we were rehearsing a play
There were lots of men in the group
Big men, Tall men, fat men wit bulging stomachs
They were part of a group but behaved as if they were
There on their own socializing in small little groups
They were always chatting amongst themselves And never sat in a circle facing me
I could not get their attention
They never shut up and never became one as a group
I tried so many times to get their attention
We had to start the rehearsal
The time was passing
The rehearsal room was booked for some particular time
And was given to someone else for another play
But the fat men chatted away
"Could we stop talking and begin?"
I said again and again but they won't hear me
They hardly ever noticed me
'Are they my actors?"
I desperately asked myself again and again
'And if they are, how come they are not listening to me?"
THEY WERE ACTUALLY NOT EVEN AWARE OF ME
But for sure in the dream we were supposed to rehearse
a play.....
And for sure in my dream it was my play
And for sure in my dream those were my actors
Those fat slobs
Those nonsense filled fat slobs were my actors
I was so ashamed in my dream.................
Te play never happened
Because it was never rehearsed
And then the time was up....................
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Sunday, August 14, 2016
WHILE BEING AWAKE
Went to Tarraluchi
read Albert Camus's myth of Syssiphis
Had a spinach salad with orange slices and blue berries
with lemon dressing
'Art and nothing but art." Thats what Nietzsche said
'Without culture society would be a jungle" 'So any esthetic creation
is a gift for the future." Camus said
Really enjoyed whatever I read.
This book I found in the street.
Some of the best books I have were found in the street
One time long time ago at night time I was walking
on Ave A and a nice black man, (Homeless) was selling books-on the street
and he called after me, "Miss this book is meant for you."' He said
I came back and he was holding a small paper-cover in his hand
And it was, "Paris Spleen" by Boudalaire
I was aware of him and haven't read much of his work except some
parts of ,"Flowers of evil."
I decided to buy the book.
It was only one dollar
But he refused to take the money from me.
'This book is meant for you, take it as a gift." He said
I will never forget it.
I wonder why he thought that this particular book was meant for me?
Maybe he knew that I was a poet
Or that I was interested in poetry
Or maybe he knew that I was an artist like him
After all I have been walking on Ave A and B for so very long time
I was just like him
Kind of homeless, contryless, friends-less, out of all elite groups
Walking alone always, always on the Avenues of America....
Which kind of trapped me and never let me go...
Now when I think of leaving I just fall down on the pavement and gets taken to
the emergency room instead of going back where once I also had a home
and parents and neighbors and friends and education and appreciation of that
education....
Now I am out of all kinds of grouping....
They categorize you here....
Asian, White, Black, Brown, Orange, Green, Yellow...
Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Christian, Catholic, Mormon, Buddhist, MUSLIM (And thats where the trouble lies)
The most shunned and hated group of them all....
I was watching the BBC news the other day and the news was...
"That Muslim women are the most hated and unemployed...
Incredible racism and prejudice exists against them." The report said...
'Because they are women, Ethnic and mostly because of being Muslim." The announcer said....
What else is new? I said to myself...
Every body hates Muslims now.
I went to the ground Zero the other day
I have never been there before
There were tons of tourists there and I know what all of them wee thinking...
"Look what Muslims did to us, our buildings and killed ruthlessly our innocent people."
I don't blame them
Its all true....
But still I didn't do that....
I felt so ashamed and guilty and siad to my husband..
'No wonder they hate muslims,"
So do you think after all that a muslim woman is going to have any friends in NYC?
My phone never ring
I see no one
No one comes knocking at my door.....
When I apply for any thing, a submission of any art work or a script
It has to be under the headline, "ASIAN" " SOUTH ASIAN"
They still reject me...
And reject me constantly and persistently...
Perhaps they think that I am a tall blond Swede Asian or not Asian at all just an alien of some kind.... and doesn't fit in the South Asian format or any format.
I was watching tv one day, (I am watching a lot of t right now because I have a fracture of my elbow...
fell down on the most immaculate foot path of this first world democracy where the construction of un-limited condos and the broken roads and pavements for sure seems like that one is in a third world country and trust me I know how the third world country's roads look, I am from the third world country and I am still in the third world country, I am not a lesbian so thats another third world thing...
'How dare you not be gay?" 'How come you want to be considered popular?"
"How come you want a gay critic come to yor straight man and a woman drama and give you a review?"
You are boring, yor gender is boring, your sexuality is boring, your religion is boring...not even boring, dangerous, dangerous....
Ok, stay home and sulk.
Let others eat the cake
Its a first world cake
Baked in the first world, white and yelling and screaming and hating every one else.....
They hate Trump
Oh! man do they hate Trump
What interests me about Trump is that how America hates him
Not only America hates him but the world hates him
Everywhere in this wide world people who have never even been here use the same words to hate him, the same exact words which the NYT uses and MSNBC and CNN uses....
This is how the world feels accepted by America
To talk the same exact way the majority talks....
No opinion of your own
Good or bad...
No opinion.
I watch Fox
I never used to
But now I do
Just to hear a word or two against Hillary
Afterall she can't be such an angel
No human being is an angel
Not her for sure
Neither her nor Trump
But you see no one ever say one good thing about Trump
Not one good thing
Afterall he won te primary
No one talks about that
No no one....
He never got in the club....
The club of politically correct elite intellectuals...
I just like to hear the story from both sides
The opposite point of view
One learns something from even the right wing and conservatives and the democrats
Why should one not open one's mind about the opposition?
Isn't this country about debate?
Freedom of speech...
BUt what I learned fromw atching all these channels is that if you don'twant some one for whatever reason, you are not going to let that person eneter your club and you are never going to say any thing good about that person no matter what, no matter how much that person might have achieved, no matter how many good things and bad things that person might have, you are always going to talk about the bad things about that person.
This is how you create an opinion in the world.
Now they all say that Trump hate Muslims.
But the bottom line is that everyone hates Muslims esoecially right now.
Hillary doesn't love Muslims
No way
No one does
They just keep their mouths shut
Thats all...
When the time comes they will go and kill all of them an the next war....
Hipocracy might be the name of this republic, not democracy...
And every one n this planet is racist about one thing or the other
But they just love to call the other the racist....
One day I was watching tv as usual and Danny De-Vito that funny actor from the tv show, TAXI
said to the rest of the panel people, (I don't remeber who else wa on the panel) Mr> Devito said,
"Hey come n guys, the whole country is racist."
Since then other people's racism towatrds me doesn't bother me....
I learned from Mr. De Vito very fast that the whole country is racist.
Actually he forgot to say that the whole world is racists....
And as a wonderful playwright from Trinidad, Mustapha Matura who has lived in England for a long time said, " Racists by now must know that they are racists so I don't have to refer to whatever they say as racism."
When one is dark and one is little old and one is ethnic and one is from a country which is not popular and one is from a religion which is not popular and one's sexuality and gender is not popular
one expect to be liked ?
Come on wake up....Is this another awful dream of yours or are you already awake?
'Oh! I see I am awake...fully awake...The title of this monologue or eassay or giberish, (Mostly giberish...thats what the mainstream would say to dismiss it ) IS WHILE BEING AWAKE....
OH! REALLY?
WAS THAT THE TITLE OF YOUR SRIBLE?
YES...
IT WAS CALLED, "WHILE BEING AWAKE...."
I was watching tv one day, (I am watching a lot of t right now because I have a fracture of my elbow...
fell down on the most immaculate foot path of this first world democracy where the construction of un-limited condos and the broken roads and pavements for sure seems like that one is in a third world country and trust me I know how the third world country's roads look, I am from the third world country and I am still in the third world country, I am not a lesbian so thats another third world thing...
'How dare you not be gay?" 'How come you want to be considered popular?"
"How come you want a gay critic come to yor straight man and a woman drama and give you a review?"
You are boring, yor gender is boring, your sexuality is boring, your religion is boring...not even boring, dangerous, dangerous....
Ok, stay home and sulk.
Let others eat the cake
Its a first world cake
Baked in the first world, white and yelling and screaming and hating every one else.....
They hate Trump
Oh! man do they hate Trump
What interests me about Trump is that how America hates him
Not only America hates him but the world hates him
Everywhere in this wide world people who have never even been here use the same words to hate him, the same exact words which the NYT uses and MSNBC and CNN uses....
This is how the world feels accepted by America
To talk the same exact way the majority talks....
No opinion of your own
Good or bad...
No opinion.
I watch Fox
I never used to
But now I do
Just to hear a word or two against Hillary
Afterall she can't be such an angel
No human being is an angel
Not her for sure
Neither her nor Trump
But you see no one ever say one good thing about Trump
Not one good thing
Afterall he won te primary
No one talks about that
No no one....
He never got in the club....
The club of politically correct elite intellectuals...
I just like to hear the story from both sides
The opposite point of view
One learns something from even the right wing and conservatives and the democrats
Why should one not open one's mind about the opposition?
Isn't this country about debate?
Freedom of speech...
BUt what I learned fromw atching all these channels is that if you don'twant some one for whatever reason, you are not going to let that person eneter your club and you are never going to say any thing good about that person no matter what, no matter how much that person might have achieved, no matter how many good things and bad things that person might have, you are always going to talk about the bad things about that person.
This is how you create an opinion in the world.
Now they all say that Trump hate Muslims.
But the bottom line is that everyone hates Muslims esoecially right now.
Hillary doesn't love Muslims
No way
No one does
They just keep their mouths shut
Thats all...
When the time comes they will go and kill all of them an the next war....
Hipocracy might be the name of this republic, not democracy...
And every one n this planet is racist about one thing or the other
But they just love to call the other the racist....
One day I was watching tv as usual and Danny De-Vito that funny actor from the tv show, TAXI
said to the rest of the panel people, (I don't remeber who else wa on the panel) Mr> Devito said,
"Hey come n guys, the whole country is racist."
Since then other people's racism towatrds me doesn't bother me....
I learned from Mr. De Vito very fast that the whole country is racist.
Actually he forgot to say that the whole world is racists....
And as a wonderful playwright from Trinidad, Mustapha Matura who has lived in England for a long time said, " Racists by now must know that they are racists so I don't have to refer to whatever they say as racism."
When one is dark and one is little old and one is ethnic and one is from a country which is not popular and one is from a religion which is not popular and one's sexuality and gender is not popular
one expect to be liked ?
Come on wake up....Is this another awful dream of yours or are you already awake?
'Oh! I see I am awake...fully awake...The title of this monologue or eassay or giberish, (Mostly giberish...thats what the mainstream would say to dismiss it ) IS WHILE BEING AWAKE....
OH! REALLY?
WAS THAT THE TITLE OF YOUR SRIBLE?
YES...
IT WAS CALLED, "WHILE BEING AWAKE...."
'Don't worry darlings, I don't fit in any format."
'Not your fault, never your fault, fault is all mine.
"DON"T YOU WORRY SWEETHEARTS."
'YOU ARE SO DEMOCRATIC PTESERVING THE HUMAN RIGHTS AND JUSTICE FOR ALL....
Right....
Black lives matter" didn't come in existence for no reason
Right?
Yes, right....
Go home...
Some thing tells me all the time...
"GO HOME" "GO HOME"
Something used to whisper in my ears ad now its shouting in my ears, "GO HOME" "GO HOME"
Before its too late....
Before its too late....
BUT ITS TOO LATE ANY WAY AND I AM HOMELESS LIKE THE HOMELESS MAN WHO GAVE ME A GIFT, 'PARIS SPLEEN BY BOUDALAIRE....
Now I have most of Boudalaire's books and I cherish them...
Thank god for books....
All-the dead writers are my friends....
I have so many friends
So many great people are dead....
The living are all screaming, killing, stealing, hurting, abusing others.........
Saturday, July 23, 2016
THESE AWFUL DREAMS
THESE AWFUL DREAMS
I dreamt all night
Awful dreams
I have now forgotten
Maybe thats good.
There were dark clouds
I was screaming
I am always screaming in my dreams
Which are more like nightmares of the soul
Some time I can't scream
Because the fear of whatever is going on is too great
I feel paralysed
And when I wake up
I still can't move for a long while
But relieved that It was just a dream
But these occuranes are so frequent
That I feel I am fiull of some kind of terror
Terror of the soul.
Some trauma must have happened long ago
Some trauma must be happening all the time
I am nothing but full of trauma
I never knew how to live my life
Always trying to please
Please the people I love
People I care for.
I hardly ever try to please myself
I must not care for my self
I must not love my self
Maybe thats the trauma which haunts me during my awful reams
I never knew that I have that need
The need to make people, people I care for and some time don't care for, happy
That's even worst...
I have some kind of fear of people.
They frighten me
So I have to please them so they won't frighten me any more....
But the more I try to please them
The more they frighten me....
People must sense that I am afraid of them
That's the reason they are aggressive
They are very aggressive
Paeople I know are extremely aggressive
Business people, strangers, friends
Now I don't see any one
No friends
None
Imagine that
Lived here for ages
And have no friends
NONE
My phone never rings
And when It does
I know its my brother or niece or my husband or my sister from abroad.
No call comes in from NY
No friends
NONE
Maybe its good not to see them
People for me are trouble
I never knew how to deal with them
I was always polite
They took it for timidity
I wasn't passive
But I wasn't aggressive enough
And I am in NYC
The only way I could deal with most of the people was not to see them.
Now I don't see any one.
I don't know if its healthy or not
But their un-gracious behavior wasn't very healthy for me either.
Maybe it was all my fault
Of course it was....
I never knew how
to deal with people...
And other people's kindness
I guess every one is just a nice person
Its always my fault
So I except it.......
Its their culture....
They can bother some one else with their sense of importance and business skills
They were always busy and arrogant....
I wonder how busy they were!
All fake, all self importance
All disrespect for other people's kindness...
There is a cultural difference as well
We were taught to be polite, kind, sophisticated
They were taught to be aggressive, condescending, rude, selfish and non caring....
People must not leave their homes and their culture...
You will always be misunderstood
You will always be lonely
You will always be treated as less than who you are....
Its a sad thing to stick around after all that.
There is no where to go though
The old home is gone
Parents deceased...............
Accumulation of poverty of circumstances...........
All is in the awful dreams
The deams I dream every night
Night after night
Night after night
Night after night................
I dreamt all night
Awful dreams
I have now forgotten
Maybe thats good.
There were dark clouds
I was screaming
I am always screaming in my dreams
Which are more like nightmares of the soul
Some time I can't scream
Because the fear of whatever is going on is too great
I feel paralysed
And when I wake up
I still can't move for a long while
But relieved that It was just a dream
But these occuranes are so frequent
That I feel I am fiull of some kind of terror
Terror of the soul.
Some trauma must have happened long ago
Some trauma must be happening all the time
I am nothing but full of trauma
I never knew how to live my life
Always trying to please
Please the people I love
People I care for.
I hardly ever try to please myself
I must not care for my self
I must not love my self
Maybe thats the trauma which haunts me during my awful reams
I never knew that I have that need
The need to make people, people I care for and some time don't care for, happy
That's even worst...
I have some kind of fear of people.
They frighten me
So I have to please them so they won't frighten me any more....
But the more I try to please them
The more they frighten me....
People must sense that I am afraid of them
That's the reason they are aggressive
They are very aggressive
Paeople I know are extremely aggressive
Business people, strangers, friends
Now I don't see any one
No friends
None
Imagine that
Lived here for ages
And have no friends
NONE
My phone never rings
And when It does
I know its my brother or niece or my husband or my sister from abroad.
No call comes in from NY
No friends
NONE
Maybe its good not to see them
People for me are trouble
I never knew how to deal with them
I was always polite
They took it for timidity
I wasn't passive
But I wasn't aggressive enough
And I am in NYC
The only way I could deal with most of the people was not to see them.
Now I don't see any one.
I don't know if its healthy or not
But their un-gracious behavior wasn't very healthy for me either.
Maybe it was all my fault
Of course it was....
I never knew how
to deal with people...
And other people's kindness
I guess every one is just a nice person
Its always my fault
So I except it.......
Its their culture....
They can bother some one else with their sense of importance and business skills
They were always busy and arrogant....
I wonder how busy they were!
All fake, all self importance
All disrespect for other people's kindness...
There is a cultural difference as well
We were taught to be polite, kind, sophisticated
They were taught to be aggressive, condescending, rude, selfish and non caring....
People must not leave their homes and their culture...
You will always be misunderstood
You will always be lonely
You will always be treated as less than who you are....
Its a sad thing to stick around after all that.
There is no where to go though
The old home is gone
Parents deceased...............
Accumulation of poverty of circumstances...........
All is in the awful dreams
The deams I dream every night
Night after night
Night after night
Night after night................
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