WHILE BEING AWAKE

Went to Tarraluchi

read Albert Camus's myth of Syssiphis

Had a spinach salad with orange slices and blue berries

with lemon dressing

'Art and nothing but art." Thats what Nietzsche said

'Without culture society would be a jungle"  'So any esthetic creation

is a gift for the future."  Camus said

Really enjoyed whatever I read.

This book I found in the street.

Some of the best books I have were found in the street

One time long time ago at night time I was walking

on Ave A and a nice black man, (Homeless) was selling books-on the street

and he called after me, "Miss this book is meant for you."'  He said

I came back and he was holding a small paper-cover in his hand

And it was, "Paris Spleen" by Boudalaire

I was aware of him and haven't read much of his work except some

parts of ,"Flowers of evil."

I decided to buy the book.

It was only one dollar

But he refused to take the money from me.

'This book is meant for you, take it as a gift."  He said

I will never forget it.

I wonder why he thought that this particular book was meant for me?

Maybe he knew that I was a poet

Or that I was interested in poetry

Or maybe he knew that I was an artist like him

After all I have been walking on Ave A and B for so very long time

I was just like him

Kind of homeless, contryless, friends-less, out of all elite groups

Walking alone always, always on the Avenues of America....

Which kind of trapped me and never let me go...

Now when I think of leaving I just fall down on the pavement and gets taken to

the emergency room instead of going back where once I also had a home

and parents and neighbors and friends and education and appreciation of that

education....

Now I am out of all kinds of grouping....

They categorize you here....

Asian, White, Black, Brown, Orange, Green, Yellow...

Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Christian, Catholic, Mormon, Buddhist, MUSLIM (And thats where the trouble lies)

The most shunned and hated group of them all....

I was watching the BBC news the other day and the news was...

"That Muslim women are the most hated and unemployed...

Incredible racism and prejudice exists against them."  The report said...

'Because they are women, Ethnic and mostly because of being  Muslim."  The announcer said....

What else is new?  I said to myself...

Every body hates Muslims now.

I went to the ground Zero the other day

I have never been there before

There were tons of tourists there and I know what all of them wee thinking...

"Look what Muslims did to us, our buildings and killed ruthlessly our innocent people."

I don't blame them

Its all true....

But still I didn't do that....

I felt so ashamed and guilty and siad to my husband..

'No wonder they hate muslims,"

So do you think after all that a muslim woman is going to have any friends in NYC?

My phone never ring

I see no one

No one comes knocking at my door.....

When I apply for any thing, a submission of any art work or a script

It has to be under the headline, "ASIAN" " SOUTH ASIAN"

They still reject me...

And reject me constantly and persistently...

Perhaps they think that I am a tall blond Swede Asian or not Asian at all just an alien of some kind.... and doesn't fit in the South Asian format or any format.
I was watching tv one day, (I am watching a lot of t right now because I have a fracture of my elbow...
fell down on the most immaculate foot path of this first world democracy where the construction of un-limited condos and the broken roads and pavements for sure seems like that one is in a third world country and trust me I know how the third world country's roads look, I am from the third world country and I am still in the third world country, I am not a lesbian so thats another third world thing...
'How dare you not be gay?"  'How come you want to be considered popular?"
"How come you want a gay critic come to yor straight man and a woman drama and give you a review?"
You are boring, yor gender is boring, your sexuality is boring, your religion is boring...not even boring, dangerous, dangerous....
Ok, stay home and sulk.
Let others eat the cake
Its a first world cake
Baked in the first world, white and yelling and screaming and hating every one else.....

They hate Trump
Oh! man do they hate Trump
What interests me about Trump is that how America hates him
Not only America hates him but the world hates him

Everywhere in this wide world people who have never even been here use the same words to hate him, the same exact words which the NYT uses and MSNBC and CNN uses....
This is how the world feels accepted by America
To talk the same exact way the majority talks....
No opinion of your own
Good or bad...
No opinion.
I watch Fox
I never used to
But now I do
Just to hear a word or two against Hillary
Afterall she can't be such an angel
No human being is an angel
Not her for sure
Neither her nor Trump

But you see no one ever say one good thing about Trump
Not one good thing
Afterall he won te primary
No one talks about that
No no one....

He never got in the club....
The club of politically correct elite intellectuals...
I just like to hear the story from both sides
The opposite point of view
One learns something from even the right wing and conservatives and the democrats
Why should one not open one's mind about the opposition?
Isn't this country about debate?
Freedom of speech...

BUt what I learned fromw atching all these channels is that if you don'twant some one for whatever reason, you are not going to let that person eneter your club and you are never going to say any thing good about that person no matter what, no matter how much that person might have achieved, no matter how many good things and bad things that person might have, you are always going to talk about the bad things about that person.

This is how you create an opinion in the world.
Now they all say that Trump hate Muslims.
But the bottom line is that everyone hates Muslims esoecially right now.
Hillary doesn't love Muslims
No way
No one does
They just keep their mouths shut
Thats all...
When the time comes they will go and kill all of them an the next war....

Hipocracy might be the name of this republic, not democracy...
And every one n this planet is racist about one thing or the other
But they just love to call the other the racist....

One day I was watching tv as usual and Danny De-Vito that funny actor from the tv show, TAXI
said to the rest of the panel people, (I don't remeber who else wa on the panel)  Mr> Devito said,
"Hey come n guys, the whole country is racist."

Since then other people's racism towatrds me doesn't bother me....
I learned from Mr. De Vito very fast that the whole country is racist.
Actually he forgot to say that the whole world is racists....

And as a wonderful playwright from Trinidad, Mustapha Matura who has lived in England for a long time said, " Racists by now must know that they are racists so I don't have to refer to whatever they say as racism."

When one is dark and one is little old and one is ethnic and one is from a country which is not popular and one is from a religion which is not popular and one's sexuality and gender is not popular
one expect to be liked ?

Come on wake up....Is this  another awful dream of yours or are you already awake?

'Oh! I see I am awake...fully awake...The title of this monologue or eassay or giberish, (Mostly giberish...thats what the mainstream would say to dismiss it ) IS WHILE BEING AWAKE....

OH! REALLY?
WAS THAT THE TITLE OF YOUR SRIBLE?
YES...
IT WAS CALLED, "WHILE BEING AWAKE...."

'Don't worry darlings, I don't fit in any format."

'Not your fault, never your fault, fault is all mine.

"DON"T YOU WORRY SWEETHEARTS."

'YOU ARE SO DEMOCRATIC PTESERVING THE HUMAN RIGHTS AND JUSTICE FOR ALL....

Right....

Black lives matter" didn't come in existence for no reason

Right?

Yes, right....

Go home...

Some thing tells me all the time...

"GO HOME"  "GO HOME"

Something used to whisper in my ears ad now its shouting in my ears, "GO HOME" "GO HOME"
Before its too late....

BUT ITS TOO LATE ANY WAY AND I AM HOMELESS LIKE THE HOMELESS MAN WHO GAVE ME A GIFT, 'PARIS SPLEEN BY BOUDALAIRE....

Now I have most of Boudalaire's books and I cherish them...

Thank god for books....

All-the dead writers are my friends....

I have so many friends

So many great people are dead....

The living are all screaming, killing, stealing, hurting, abusing others.........