THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I dreamt all night
Awful dreams
I have now forgotten
Maybe thats good.
There were dark clouds
I was screaming
I am always screaming in my dreams
Which are more like nightmares of the soul


Some time I can't scream
Because the fear of whatever is going on is too great
I feel paralysed
And when I wake up
I still can't move for a long while
But relieved that It was just a dream

But these occuranes are so frequent
That I feel I am fiull of some kind of terror
Terror of the soul.
Some trauma must have happened long ago
Some trauma must be happening all the time

I am nothing but full of trauma
I never knew how to live my life
Always trying to please
Please the people I love
People I care for.
I hardly ever try to please myself
I must not care for my self
I must not love my self
Maybe thats the trauma which haunts me during my awful reams

I never knew that I have that need
The need to make people, people I care for and some time don't care for,  happy
That's even worst...
I have some kind of fear of people.
They frighten me
So I have to please them so they won't frighten me any more....
But the more I try to please them
The more they frighten me....

People must sense that I am afraid of them
That's the reason they are aggressive
They are very aggressive
Paeople I know are extremely aggressive
Business people, strangers, friends

Now I don't see any one
No friends
None
Imagine that
Lived here for ages
And have no friends
NONE

My phone never rings
And when It does
I know its my brother or niece or my husband or my sister from abroad.
No call comes in from NY
No friends
NONE

Maybe its good not to see them

People for me are trouble
I never knew how to deal with them
I was always polite
They took it for timidity
I wasn't passive
But I wasn't aggressive enough
And I am in NYC
The only way I could deal with most of the people was not to see them.

Now I don't see any one.
I don't know if its healthy or not
But their un-gracious behavior wasn't very healthy for me either.
Maybe it was all my fault
Of course it was....
I never knew how
to deal with people...
And other people's kindness
I guess every one is just a nice person
Its always my fault
So I except it.......
 Its their culture....
They can bother some one else with their sense of importance and business skills
They were always busy and arrogant....
I wonder how busy they were!
All fake, all self importance
All disrespect for other people's kindness...
There is a cultural difference as well
We were taught to be polite, kind, sophisticated
They were taught to be aggressive, condescending, rude, selfish and non caring....

People must not leave their homes and their culture...
You will always be misunderstood
You will always be lonely
You will always be treated as less than who you are....
Its a sad thing to stick around after all that.
There is no where to go though
The old home is gone
Parents deceased...............
Accumulation of poverty of circumstances...........
All  is in the awful dreams
The deams I dream every night
Night after night
Night after night
Night after night................