BIG, DEEP, WIDE TALENT

BIG, DEEP, WIDE TALENT                               copyright:binasharif:2020

(A solo performance piece, a satire )

By:Bina Sharif

Character: Abbigail Vitali, a performance artist from New York performing in Kentucky

Time: 1993-1994

Abbigail Vitali:

I am a monument

I am a mountain

I am not famous doing sitcoms

I am famous doing the mighty performance art

I am me.

I am Abbigail Vitali...

I have been doing this for the last twenty years.  I started when I was 19

I could have been very famous as an actress in the theater or a singer or a dancer...

I mean I am famous now...I am in Kentucky, No,  don't laugh...

Only famous people are allowed in Kentucky for that matter.

When I say, "FAMOUS" I mean famous doing performance art.

You know what I mean...

It's a brand new art form and I am an expert of that.  I do twenty shows in fourteen weeks

Some times twenty five shows in ten weeks.

Audience love me...

(Audience clap)

See what I mean...

People who love me don't love the ones who do sitcoms on tv

Those people had to change many things to become famous

They had to change the shape of their breasts,  (they have to have big-tits...)

Their hips

Their noses

Their schedules

Their lives.

I became famous without doing all those things.

I don't have to do all those things

I already have good tits...

(People laugh and applaud)

Good nose

Good hips

My things seem like they are pretty much in order.

All I have to do is to inform my audience

That I am performing tonight

And they leave everything aside and rush towards the venue in drovs.

They come, trust me.  They do come to see me.

They even come to see me in Kentucky.

Of course they have heard of me

I am from New York

The mighty New York

The Mecca of culture

And I am a monument in that Mecca...

All the folks everywhere have heard of performance artists from New York.

The famous ones especially

Do you think people of Kentucky are going to rush to see

Some one un-knowns from NY?

Let me tell you something...

The un-known performance artists from NY can not be in Kentucky.

They are all sitting in some rotten coffee shop in Manhattan moaning

Over their rotten fate...

Un-famous performers moan and groan a lot sitting in coffee shops.

They are not in Kentucky.

I am in Kentucky because I am famous in NY.

(People laugh, shout, holler and applaud)

You get my drift?

I am here because people of Kentucky have heard of me.

If I wasn't famous in NY, You, people of great Kentucky wouldn't have heard of me

Right?

(People yell, "Right, right.")

You were expecting to see a big woman

Because my talent is so big...

But you don't have to be big to have a big talent.

You know what I mean?

Big talent has nothing to do with big tits or big lips...

But sometime it can be a coincident that you can have big tits and all and also big talent

That's kind of nice...

A big woman with a big talent performing in Kentucky...sounds kind of nice too...

In that case everything is big

You can't fail. Your big success certified especially if you have big tits...

Listen guys...

The fact of the matter in show business is that you don't ever have to be

Big...Only your big tits can accomplish big success...

That's why all of them rush to have artificial tits.

The producers love to squeeze them, the bigger, the better...

Like big, ripe juicy plums...

But it's a gift of god to be small with regular tits and have big, actually huge talent like mine...

In my case everything is under control

Actually people of Kentucky are more amused by my big talent and my smaller size...

Because it was a novelty for Americans of Kentucky...

I mean  America is big and Kentucky is in it and they were expecting some

One big and busty but they got over it because I am a small time American

With big talent.

You see America is real big...

It's big in size and big in talent

You know what I mean?

Look at us

So many talented people all born in  talented America

You can imagine the depth and breadth of talent in this country

It's deep and wide.

Thats a rare combination

Usually when something is deep, it's not so wide

And when it's wide it's not so deep...

(Audience laugh and repeat,  wide and deep, deep and wide)

But here in our country, America...only in America, we have BIG, WIDE, DEEP TALENT.

I feel so good about my big, wide, deep talent that I often thank Virgin Mary for it.

I do believe in her once in a while...

She told me once, that she herself never believed in miracles till the miracle

Happened to her.

She was a true lesbian

Never touched by a man in her life and still ended up having a child...

Not only that she had a child, that child was no ordinary child.

It was a child of god.

I think that's why we have godly talent.

We are really and truelly close to god, and that's a miracle too.

And thats why god has bestowed such deep talent upon us...

Especially the performance artists from NY...

Who can be invited to Kentucky

All expenses paid...

And thats the reason we must pay attention to our god for our gift from him...

And that gift is our talent.

And let me tell you, if we don't thank god for his gift

We will be punished.

And our punishment would be to be doomed by misery, cynicism, bitterness and jealousy

Of other performance artists with big talent and believe me thats some punishment...

By having that curse our amazing talent will just whither away...

Trust me.

I am a Catholic and Catholics are supposed to care for other fellow artists with big, deep, wide talent

and not be jealous of them.

We can't afford to bring misery and poverty to our artists, thats our govt's job.

And god right now is punishing the govt because it seems like that we have no govt any more...

I mean they are here but they are not here.  We have an invisible, blind and deaf govt.

That's a curse from god.

We want to protect our talent and our fellow artists talent from that curse

We can't be jealous of other performance artist's talent.  You see there is nothing

More dangerous than jealousy in show business.

It eats you up alive and your talent vanishes.

I want to keep my immense takent alive so I can always come back to kentucky

and also go to Oregon, Wisconsin, Arizona, Michigan...

All the battle state...to battle...Show business is a battle and I have won it

And now want to keep winning...

Once a winner...can't imagine to be a loser

Thats not the American way...

We need to appreciate our talent

Especially the artist with not such huge tits...

If god gave us something and we don't appreciate it

God is going to take it away...

It's like a president

If he doesn't do a good job, god take the presidency away from him

After four yers...

(Audience cheer)

What are we going to do if our talent  was to vanish...

I am always thankful to the divine power for my talent.

There is nothing a critic can do if god gave you talent

And it's only the divine power can punish you and take it away if you

Are not grateful.

I and my god, that's all I have.

Yes, and my brilliant talent...I am here, am I not?

How could I be here in Kentucky without my brilliant talent?

Staying in a nice hotel, a car to pick me up and then grand dinners after the show...

Oh! people of Kentucky I am so happy and grateful and to NewYorkers as well

Without my fame in NYC,  I could have never made it to Kentucky.

My love of divine power keeps me in a nice hotel and takes me for a fancy meal.

I am a success because I have talent.

Success in America spread like a virus

One day you are an unknown and second day millions of people know your name

AND THEN THEY NEVER FORGET IT. Success is like chain stores.  Once a chain store is successful

They spread all over America...That's success and I love success.

Once I had a dog and i gave her the name , which was, " success". She was stolen  from me and I looked for her every where so desperately...

(People applaud)

I shouted in the streets, "Success, where are you?  Please come back.  I miss you so much."

And then I found her and I told her, "Listen, success, promise me that you will never leave me again."

and she shook its tail promising me that she will be with me for ever and ever...

And then one day she died....

(People say, "Oh! no, oh! no)

Becaus she was almost a human being and nature affects humn beings...but success is so strong,

Once you have it it's for life...nothing can kill it...

Look all the successful people keep coming back

We find ways to bring them back...

Maybe they never went away

Maybe they are just testing us and we don't disappoint them...

Maybe they are just lucky...

Do you think I am lucky?

No, darling I am not lucky...

My talent is lucky

And I have talent.

I mean how many people get flown to Kentucky to perform?

You paid for my flight...didn't you?

You think any one would bother to pay for some one's flight who was completely talentless but

happened to be lucky?

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK

(Actress get angry and start screaming)

People who have no talent are not takeing aeroplnes to come to Kentucky.

They are rotting in their narrow,  stuffy rooms on Ave C in NYC 

If they had talent, I promise you they will be here right now talking to you,  amusing you, 

Entertaining you,  you the people of KAENTUCKY, WHO PAID FOR THEM TO COME HERE...

You paid with your hard earned dollars,  dollars don't grow on trees,  dollars are earned with hard work 

and dedication...You are smart people...you are not going to waste your dollars on some miserably 

talentless performance artist bitch...you are not going to fly her here because the bitch is bored with

Having no name in NY...

No, no, no, no.  You are not going to do that.

I am here because you invited me here and paid for my flight

And why did you do that?

Oh! come on, tell me why did you bring me here?

(People shouting, (

"Because you are famous in NY...because of your big, wide, deep talent)

That's it.

That's exactly right

I am here in kentucky because I have BIG, WIDE, DEEP TALENT AND AFTER MY PERFORMANCE

I AM GOING TO GO HORSE BACK RIDING.

AND I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT AS WELL.

TALENTLESS NY PERFORMANCE ARTISTS SITTING IN

LOUSY COFFE SHOPS THINK THEY CAN GO HORSE BACK RIDING

WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO RIDE A HORSE?

THEY HAVE SOME WORK TO DO TO PERFECT THEIR CRAFT

AND YOU INVITED ME HERE TO KENTUCKY BECAUSE MY CRAFT IS

AMAZINGLY PERFECT...

IT'S BIG

IT'S WIDE

IT'S DEEP...AND, I CAN RIDE A HORSE AS WELL.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...

(Audience cheer, shout, and give her many standing ovations.)

END OF SHOW.