NOTEBOOK NUMBER 3 CONTINUES. ZARINA'S ESTATE

ZARINA'S ESTATE

ZARINA;

IT WAS ALL A MYTH.
THERE WAS NO ESTATE
THERE WAS NO PROMISE OF ANY ESTATE ANYWHERE
NOT ASSIGNED TO ME...
WHETHER YOU BEHAVED OR MISBEHAVED

SO THE SELF BLAME SO UN-NECESSARY AND EVENTUALLY FATAL
OVER SOMETHING WHICH NEVER EXISTED...
NEVER PROMISED
NEVER SEEN
NEVER FELT
NEVER TOUCHED
NEVER MATERIALIZED...

AND THE GUILT
GUILT OVER THE FACT, (Fake fact) THAT ITS MY FAULT
THAT I LOST THE ESTATE...

THE FINAL SUCCESS, THE ESTATE WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE
ONLY IF I BEHAVED PROPERLY AND PLEASED THE SUCCESS GIVERS

ONLY THE GUILT AND BLAME ABOUT LOSING THE ESTATE WHICH NEVER EXISTED
ALL THAT GUILT CREATED BY ME AND MY IMAGINED LOSS...

THE GUILT CREATED BY MY WISHFUL THINKING AND THE FINAL RESULT,
WAS NOTHING BUT MISERY...

NOW ITS JUST THE TORTURE IMAGINED AND SUSTAINED
AND CONTAINED IN THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL CREATING NOTHING BUT EMORSE
AND SADNESS WHILE IT WAS NOTHING BUT A MYTH...

BUT NOW, COULD IT BE STILL MY FAULT FOR LOSING WHAT WAS NEVER THERE?
BOTTOM LINE IS THAT THERE WAS NO ESTATE, NO REWARD...TO BE GIVEN
BY THE ESTATE HOLDER...
THERE WAS NO ESTATE HOLDER THERE TO PLEASE OR DISPLEASE

I IMAGINED EVERYTHING
I IMAGINED THAT I LOST OUT ON THE SUCCESS WHICH WAS PROMISED
TO ME IF I BEHAVED....
BUT NOTHING WAS PROMISED ME
THEY JUST WANTED ME TO BEHAVE
ACCORDING TO THEIR WISHES, THEIR DEMANDS, THEIR DESIRES
THEY WANTED ME TO BE SUBSERVIENT
THEY WANTED ME TO BE FALSE TO MY OWN BELIFS
THEY WANTED ME TO BE QUIET
QUIET ABOUT ALL KINDS OF TRUTHS
THEY WANTED ME TO NOT SPEAK
AND THEN I WILL WIN AN ESTATE
WHICH IS CALLED, "SUCCESS"

IT WAS A FAKE ESTATE
IT WAS A FAKE SUCCESS
JUST THE PROMISE OF SUCCESS
NOT SUCCESS IN ITSELF
THERE WAS NO DOCUMENT OF THAT PROMISED ESTATE
I DIDN'T SIGN ANY DOCUMENTS
FOR MY INHERITANCE...

IT WAS JUST A VERBAL PROMISE
AND I WASTED MY LIFE ON THAT FALSE PROMISE

MY LIFE WHICH WAS MY REAL ESTAE
YES, LIFE, YOUR LIFE ZARINA IS YOUR ESTATE
THE WAY YOUR LIFE WENT AND . IS STILL GOING IS YOUR ESTATE
YOUR INHERITANCE...

GOOD, BAD, RICH, POOR, MEANINGFUL,MEANINGLESS
THAT IS THE ESTATE

ATTACH ANY MEANING TO IT, ANY MEANING YOU WANT
DRAW ANY MEANING OF SUCCESS OR FAILURE TO IT
THAT'S YOUR CHOICE...

IF YOU WANT TO BE MISERABLE ZARINA,  (Out of your habit) THEN CALL YOUR
ESTAE A SHRINE OF MISERIES...

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY, (So rare) CALL YOUR ESTATE SERIES OF SUCCESS...

IT'S UP TO YOU...

YOU IMAGINED THAT EVERYTHING WAS YOUR FAULT, AND NOW YOU CAN
IMAGINE THAT IT WASN'T...
YOU CAN STILL IMAGINE THAT NOTHING, ACTUALLY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
YOU EVER DID OR DIDN'T DO WAS YOUR FAULT...

THE ESTATE OWMNER, (SUCCES GIVER) THE ONE YOU THINK YOU DISPLEASED
WASN'T THERE, WAS NEVER THERE, HE DIDN'T EXIST, HE NEVER EXISTED...
 NOR THE ESTAE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INHERIT IF YOU BEHAVED PROPERLY
AND PLEASED AND OBYED AND SERVED AND TOLD LIES..

TRUST ME IT WAS A LIE, THE VERBAL PROMISE THAT IF YOU KISSED ASS
THEY WILL GIVE YOU,"SUCCESS" THE SO CALLED, "ESTATE"...

I AM SO GLAD THST YOU DIDN'T DO WHAT THEY WANTED YOU TO DO
I AM SO GLAD ZARINA THAT YOU MISBEHAVED
I AM SO GLAD ZARINA THAT YOU KISSED NO ONE'S ASS TO BE SUCCESSFUL
AND THAT IS YOUR SUCCESS AND THAT IS YOUR ,"ESTATE"
YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU LIVED IT AND THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE IS YOUR BIGGEST, "ESTATE"  YOUR BIGGEST, "SUCCESS"

THE FALSE PROMISE OF THE FALSE ESTATE WAS TO RUIN YOUR SELF RESPECT, YOUR HONESTY, YOUR SENSE OF THE TRUTH AND  YOUR CHARACTER.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR CHARACTER INTACT ZARINA?
IF IT'S A YES, THEN YOU AND YOUR LIFE IS A GEM, ESTATE OR NO ESTAE,
SUCCESS OR NO SUCCESS...

CAN YOU DEFINE SUCCESS ZARINA?
DON'T WORRY, NO ONE CAN.
NO ONE CAN DEFINE REAL, "SUCCESS"
YOUR HONOR IS YOUR SUCCESS
YOUR CHARACTER IS YOUR SUCCESS
YOUR EMPATHY FOR OTHER HUMANS IS YOUR SUCCESS
YOU OWN A HUGE ESTATE ZARINA
YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT?
THATS SAD
BUT NOW YOU KNOW...
ZARINA...NOW YOU KNOW....