BINA SHARIF'S NOTE BOOKS. NUMBER 4

NOTEBOOKS NUMBER 4

DRY CLEANER
CLEAN THE BED ROOM
VACCUM

EVENING

NOTHING WAS ACCOMPLISHED

TOOK A BOOK AND WENT OUT

THEY ALL WENT TO THE BROTHELS
VANGOGH
GUGANE
FLAUBERT

THEY ALL HAD SYPHLIS

THEY STILL PAINTED AND WROTE BOOKS AND WENT OUT DRINKING ABSINTH

HOW DID THEY DO IT? HOW DID THEY ALL THAT WHILE SUFFERING WITH ALL THOSE DISEASES ?

THEY ARE ALL STARRING AT ME

THOSE BORES
SHE IS A BORE
AND THAT OTHER ONE IS A BORE TOO
HE IS A BORE
AND THAT OTHER ONE IS A BORE TOO
SHE IS A BORE AND A PHONY
HE IS A BORE AND A PHONY

THEY ARE ALL SHOUTING
THEY ARE ALL CLAIMING THAT THEY ARE GETTING AHEAD

THEY ARE NOT GETTING AHEAD
THEY ARE JUST BULL SHITTING YOU

WHY ARE THEY BULL SHITTING ME ?

BECAUSE THEY BULL SHIT ANY ONE...

SO THEY ARE BULLSHITTERS
BUT OF COURSE...

BUT WHY WOULD THEY BULL SHIT ME ? I AM NOT WITH THEM

THATS WHY.  BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM, YOU ARE A STRANGER,
THATS WHY THEY CAN BULL SHIT YOU...

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THOUGH..

IT'S EASY TO BULLSHIT A STRANGER.  THEY RARE NOT GETTING AHEAD
THEY THINK THEY DO.  DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU...DON'T LET THEM MAKE
YOU UNHAPPY....

IT'S MY KNEE WHICH IS MAKING ME UNHAPPY.  IT'S NOT THEM
IT'S NOT THEM
NONE OF THEM
NONE OF THEM ARE IMPORTANT
ACTUALLY THEY DO NOT EXIST
I IMAGINED THEM

YOU IMAGINED THEM?

YES, THEY WERE IMAGINARY.  THE RESULT OF MY FERTILE IMAGINATION

THAT DOESN'T SEEM VERY FERTILE, THAT SEEM SICK

YES, I AM SICK WITH THE KNEE PAIN.  IT'S MY KNEE PAIN WHICH MADE ME UNHAPPY.  IT'S NOT THEM... I IMAGINE THINGS AND THEN HAVE DIALOGUE WITH THEM...ONE CAN HAVE DIALOGUE WITH IMAGINARY THINGS WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND
WHICH IS OFTEN, WHICH IS ACTUALLY ALL THE TIME...

SO, DID YOU IMAGINE VANGOGH AND FLAUBERT AS WELL?

NO.  THEY WERE FOR REAL.  THEY WERE REAL PEOPLE.  DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE REAL ?

THEY ARE DEAD, ARN'T THEY?

YES.  BUT THEY WERE NOT DEAD WHEN THEY WENT TO THE BROTHELS
AND GOT ILLNESSES...

AND THE OTHERS ?

WHICH OTHERS ?

THE ONE WHO WERE BULLSHITTING YOU ABOUT GETTING AHEAD ?

NO, THEY WERE NOT REAL.  THEY WERE IMAGINARY PEOPLE.  THERE ARE
LOTS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE REAL WHO ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING AHEAD
WHILE THEY ARE NOT.  THEY ALL SIT AND TALK ABOUT GETTING AHEAD WHILE
THEY ARE STILL SITTING...AND ME TOO, I AM STILL SITTING BUT I DON'T TALK ABOUT GETTING HEAD...

WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT AS WELL?

BECAUSE I USUALLY SIT BUT DON'T TALK. I AM MOSTLY ALONE SO I DON'T TALK.  BECAUSE IF I WAS TALKING WHILE SITTING ALL ALONE BY MYSELF I WILL LOOK LIKE A MAD WOMAN OR A WOMAN WHO IS WIRED AND TALKING TO SOME ONE
NICE AND LOUD..SO SINCE I AM NIT WIRED AND I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO
I IMAGINE PEOPLE WHO ARE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE...

ARE YOU ILL?

YES, I HAVE KNEE PAIN AND I HAVE HAD THIS KNEE PAIN SINCE MARCH AND NOW
ITS JULY..THATS A LOT OF PAIN, SO NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE PAIN I THINK ABOUT PEOPLE AND SINCE I DON'T HAVE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE I INVENT THEM AND TALK TO THEM
OR OBSERVE THEM...THAT GIVES ME A BREAK FROM MY KNEE PAIN..

WHY DON'T YOU CONCENTRATE ON YOUR KNEE PAIN AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
SO YOU CAN GET RID OF IT...

I CAN'T DWELL ON THINGS, THINGS WHICH CAN'T BE CORRECTED.  MY PSYCHIATRIST TOLD ME NOT TO DWELL ON THE NEGATIVE AND THE KNEE
PAIN IS NEGATIVE, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

IT'S POSITIVE TO GET RID OF PAIN...

IF WE ALL GOT RID OF PAIN HOW THE DOCTORS WILL MAKE MONEY?
I GO FROM DOCTOR TO ANOTHER DOCTOR.  ALL THEY DO IS TAKE CO-PAY
WHICH GIVES ME MORE PAIN BECAUSE WHEN I COME OUT OF THEIR OFFICES I STILL
HAVE KNEE PAIN AND NO MONEY TO SIT AND EAT.  THEY TOOK MY MONEY FOR CO-PAY...AND I DECIDED NOT TO GO TO ANY DOCTOR AND SIT SOME WHER WITH THAT MONEY WHICH GOES FOR CO-PAY AND EAT SOMETHING WITH THAT MONEY AND REST FOR A WHILE ROM THE KNEE PAIN ND WHEN I AM TRYING TO REST AND EAT
THAT'S WHEN I IMAGINE PEOPLE TO OBSERVE THEM SO MY MIND WILL NOT THINK OF THE KNEE PAIN, THE DOCTORS, THE CO-PAY AND ALL THAT...JUST IMAGINE PEOPLE AND WATCH THEM AND HEAR THEM BRAGGING ABOUT GETTING AHEAD...

I KNOW THAT THEY ARE NOT GETTING AHEAD BECAUSE THAY ARE NOT REAL
I INVENTED THEM TO TAKE MY MIND OFF MY KNEE PAIN AND NOW MY OTHER KNEE HAS PAIN AS WELL.  MY GOOD KNEE GOT SO SICK OF TAKING OF COMPENSATING FOR THE PAIN OF THE PAINFUL KNEE THAT IT GOT ITS OWN PAIN...NOW BOTH OF MY KNEES HAVE PAIN SO I HAVE TO IMAGINE MORE PEOPLE WHO WILL BRAGG ALL DAY ABOUT THEIR SUCCESS WHILE HEY JUST SIT AND BRAGG AND DO NOTHING ELSE TO BOTHER ME, BUT I DON'T GET BOTHERED NOW BECAUS I AM AWARE THAT THEY ARE NOT REAL...THE ONLY THING WHICH IS REAL IS THE PAIN IN MY BOTH KNEES...

WHAT ABOUT VANGOG AND FLAUBERT?

THEY ARE REAL BUT THEY ARE DEAD, SO THEY CAN'T BULLSHIT ME ABOUT THEM GETTING AHEAD.  I KNOW THAT THEY GOT AHEAD,.  I CAN LOOK AT THEIR PAINTINGS
AND READ THEIR BOOKS..ACTUALLY I WS READING A BOOK ABOUT FLAUBERT
WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT THEY ALL WENT TO BROTHELS AND GOT ILLNESSES
BUT I KNOW THEY DID GET AHEAD...UNLIKE THE PEOPLE I IMAGINED.  THEY NEVER GOT AHEAD, THEY JUST BULLSHITTED ME...

BUT WHAT DID FLAUBERT AND VAN GOGH HAD TO DO WITH YOUR KNEE PAIN ?

THEY ARE FOR SURE RELATED TO MY KNEE PAINS...

REMEMBER MUCH EARLIER I WAS GOING TO CLEAN MY BED ROOM AND DO THE VACCUM AND DO THE LAUNDRY ?

YES, I REMEMBER, YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING LIKE TAHT BUT THEN YOUR ATTENTION ABRUPTLY SHIFTED TO VAN GOGH AND FLAUBERT GOING TO BROTHELS
AND IT MADE NO SENSE...

IT MADE PERFECT SENSE BUT YOU WERE NOT CONCENTRATED.  MY KNEE PAIN DID NOT LET ME DO THE LAUNDRY ECT, ECT AND I THOUGHT OF THOSE GUYS WHO HAD SYPHLIS FROM GOING TO BROTHELS AND TILL PAINTED AND WROTE BOOKS
AND WENT OUT DRINKING AND HAD FUN EVEN WHEN THEY HAD THE PAIN OF THOSE SERIOUS ILLNESSES AND I COULDN'T DO THE LAUNDRY AND OTHER CHORES BECAUSE OF MY KNEE PAIN...AND THATS HOW THOSE DEAD, GRAET ARTISTS ARE RELATED TO MY KNEES AND MY PAIN IN THE KNEES...

YOU ARE SICK...

I TOLD YOU THAT.  WHY DO YOU KEEP REPEATING THAT I AM SICK.
I AM SICK, I HAVE PAIN IN MY BOTH KNEES SINCE 4 MONTHS AND THATS WHY I COULDN'T CLEAN MY BE ROOM...DO YOU GET THAT ?

YOU ARE MENTAL

YES, I AM.  YOU WILL BE TOO IF YOU HAD PAIN IN YOUR KNEES FOR SO LONG AND THE DOCTORS JUST TOOK YOUR CO-PAY AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE PROBLEM.  ACTUALLY THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THE PAIN IN MY KNEES
AS LONG AS THEY GOT THE CO-PAY  AND BULL SHITTED ME ABOUT DO THIS AND DO THAT...GO FOR MRI, THEY KEPT SAYING...

AND THEN WHAT?  AFTER THE MRI?

SURGERY, MSS, SURGERY...

BY THE WAY, HOW DID MY KNEE PAIN STARTED ANY WAY ?

WE GAVE YOU THE MEDICINE FOR YOUR BRONCHITIS WHICH TORE YOUR TENDON IN YOUR KNEE...YOU MUST KNOW EVERY MEDICINE HAS SIDE EFFECTS...

AND THAT'S HOW MY KNEE PAIN STARTED AND NOW I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ANY DOCTOR OR TAKE ANY MEDICINE.  NOW I JUST WANT TO SIT AND CREATE IMAGINARY PEOPLE WHO CAN BULLSHIT ME AS MUCH AS THEY WANT AND AT THE END OF THE DAY I CAN GET RID OF THEM BUT THE KNEE PAIN I CAN'T GET RID OF...
BECAUSE I DIDN'T CREATE THE NIGHTMARE...IT WAS IMAGINARY...IT WAS REAL
AND WAS CREATED BY THE DOCTORS WHO GAVE ME THE WRONG MEDICINE...
NOW YOU KNOW WHY I WONDER ABOUT VAN GOGH AND FLAUBERT...
THEY DID EVERYTHING IN THEIR LIVES BESIDE THEIR PAIN AND ALL I CAN
DO IS TO CREATE SOME BULLSHITTERS WHO BOTHER ME ALL DAY ABOUT THEM GETTING AHEAD....WHILE I LIMP AND LIMP AND LIMP WITH THE PAIN IN MY KNEES