NOTEBOOKS OF BINA SHARIF

NOTEBOOKS OF BINA SHARIF

"DUST"

LOST IN HER SADNESS
REDUCED TO SMALLNESS
IN HIS PRESENCE."  ?

"AROUND HIM SHE MAKES
HERSELF SMALL."

"I AM HERE FOR ONE DAY
I CAN'T SOLVE ANY ONE'S PROBLEMS.
I CAN  NOT
AND I SHOULD NOT CHANGE ANY ONE'S LIFE."

"NEVER GET TOO ATTACHED
AVOID BEING NOTICED
DO NOT INETRFERE

"ANCHORED BY THE PROFOUND
DESPERATE LONILNESS." ?

"WE ALL WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OK
WE DON'T EVEN WISH SOMUCH FOR FANTASTIC
OR MARVELLOUS OR OUTSTANDING."?

"NOT THINKING OF ME
JUST SELLING HER GOODS
MAKING MONEY
HE IS THINKING OF MONEY
NOT THINKING OF ME."

"KNOWLEDGE IS THE ONLY THING
I TAKE WITH ME WHEN I GO.' ?

"I OBSERVE BETTER THAN OTHERS."

"WORN DOWN FROM TOO MUCH THOUGHT."

"REDUCING EVERYTHING THATS NOT US
INTO INCONSEQUENTIAL BLUR." ?

"I HAVE WANDERED FOR SO LONG
WITHOUT ANY SENSE OF PURPOSE." ?

"I ONLY HAVE A DAY TO GIVE
AND THAT DAY IS TOMORROW."

"SHE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
HER MOTHER TOO...
SHE WENT FOR THERAPY
I DID TOO...

WE USED TO SIT AND ANALYZE
EACH OTHER...AS WELL AS MY
UNCLE, MY FATHER, MY BROTHER,
THEY WERE ALL ALCOHOLICS

AND I THINK MY GRANDFATHER AS WELL
AND MY GRAND MOTHER
SHE WAS ONE OF THESE SOCIETY WOMEN
IT WAS 1930

HER MOTHER NEVER DRANK
SHE WAS SO ANTI ALCOHOL
HER HUSBAND WAS ONE FOR A WHILE
FOR A SHORT WHILE WHICH BECAME A LONG WHILE

I HAD A FRIEND
WHO WAS AN ORGANIST
HE WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO DRINK
FOR SEVEN DAYS

HIS PARENTS WERE THERE
AND HE PLAYED THE ORGAN
AND WAS NOT DRINKING
HIS PARENTS WERE HIS WITNESSES ..."  ?

"I GUESS ITS OK TO BE DRY
AND TO BE HAPPY..."
...................................................

"KARIMA ULLAHA'S DESPERATE NEED TO BE LOVED"

KARIMA ULLAHA'S THERAPIST TOLD HER
TO SAY NO TO MOST OF THE THINGS WHICH
DO NOT BENEFIT HER AND ACTUALLY
DISRUPT HER CALM....

SHE HARDLY EVER EXPERIENCE CALM
BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME SHE IS
OCCUPIED TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW NOT TO PLEASE PEOPLE BANY MORE

IT'S NOT ONLY HER RELATIVES
TO WHOM SHE CAN'T SAY NO
BUT MOST OF THE PEOPLE
MOST OF THE TIME

PEOLE SHE COMES ACROSS SOCIALLY,
AT HER WORK, AT CAFE'S, AT THEATERS
FOR MANY YEARS SHE NEVER, OUT OF
HER FEAR OF REJECTION COULD SAY NO TO ANY ONE

SO SHE KEPT DOING THINGS FOR OTHERS
AT THE EXPENSE OF HER OWN TIME,
HER FINANCE, HER HEALTH, HER
ADVANCEMENT...

MORE SHE DID THINGS
MORE SHE FELT SOME KIND OF
UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING OF STRESS
AND ANXIETY

SHE WASN'T CONSCIOUS OF THE SOURCE OF STRESS
AND PEOPLE KEPT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER
BECAUSE SHE ALLOWED IT.
UNKNOWINGLY BUT STILL ALLOWED IT

ALLOWED PEOPLE TO SUBTLY ABUSE HER
AND NOT SO SUBTLY SOMETIME
THERE CAME A TIME WHEN PEOPLE
ORDINARY PEOPLE, SHE CAME ACROSS

OR EVEN HER LOVED ONES
STARTED TO ORDER HER AROUND
AND SHE ALWAYS HAD THE
ANXIETY OF OBEYING....

SHE WAS A GREAT PERSON
HIGHLY SENSITIVE,
HIGHLY INTELLIGENT
GIVING AND KIND

HUMOROUS, GENEROUS
CARING, SELFLESS
PATIENT, MAYBE TOO PATIENT
LOVING, MAYBE TOO LOVING

MANY PEOPLE WANTED HER TO BE AROUND
BECAUSE OF HER KNOWLEDGE
SHE WAS LIKE A WALKING, TALKING
DICTIONARY...

THEY LIKED HER COMPANY
SHE HAD HUMOR
SHE ENTERTAINED THEM
BUT THEY WERE NEVER AVAILABLE FOR HER

UNLESS IT WAS ABSOLUTELY CONVENIENT
FOR THEM.
ONLY WHEN IT WAS SUITABLE
FOR THEM TO SPARE SOME TIME FOR HER

BUT OTHERWISE
THEY BEHAVED
TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT
ALWAYS BUSY PEOPLE

SINCE SHE HAD THIS MONSTROUS FEAR
OF ABANDONMENT
SHE DIDN'T KNOW IT
BUT SHE HAD IT

SHE WAS TERRIFIED
OF BEING ABANDONED
SO SHE WOULD ALWAYS
MAKE TIME FOR PEOPLE

AND FOR FAMILY
BUT THE FAMILY BEHAVED BUSY CONSTANTLY
AND ONCE IN A BLUE MOON
MAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO SPEND WITH HER

SUBCONSCIOUSLY, SHE WAS CONSTANTLY
DISTURBED ABOUT SOME GNAWING FEELING
TTHAT SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT IN HER LIFE
HER LIFE WAS PASSING BY

AND PASSING BY QUICKLY
AND PASSING HER BY
RESTLESSNESS OF HER SOUL
KEPT INCREASING TREMENDOUSLY

TILL SHE COLLAPSED
AND BECAME SERIOUSLY ILL
AND WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL
SHE HAD ALL THE ILLNESSES WHICH COME

WITH STRESS...
HER ACCUMULATED STRESS WAS SO MONUMENTAL
THAT IT MADE HER IMMOBILE
SHE COULDN'T MOVE

SHE COULDN'T MOVE AT ALL
TRAUMATIZED, SHOCKED
EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY
EXHAUSTED

SHE STAYED IN THE HOSPITAL FOR MONTHS
AND NOT MANY PEOPLE CAME TO VISIT GER
OR INQUIRED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED T HER
OR ABOUT HER WHEREABOUTS...

AND WHY SUDDENLY SHE WASN'T
AROUND ANY MORE...
SINCE SHE WAS HIGHLY SENSITIVE
AND CURIOUS A PERSON

SHE WONDERED CONSTANTLY
WHILE SHE WAS RECOVERING
ABOUT PEOPLE
PEOPLE SHE KNEW AND CARED FOR

SHE WAS AMAZED THAT NO ONE WAS
CURIOUS ABOUT HER SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE
SHE WONDERED IF PEOPLE THINK
OF ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING EVER

OR THEIR FACULTIES OF FEELING
AND COMPASSION HAVE FROZEN
INTO SLABS OF COLD ICE BLOCK
WHICH STAYS IN THE FREEZERS

OF HUMAN MIND AND HEART
WITHOUT EVER MELTING.
WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL
HER RECOVERY WAS LONG AND HARD

SHE WAS MOSTLY ALONE
ISOLATED...
BUT SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH
WASN'T DESPERATE

NOR DID SHE EVER HAD THE DESIRE
TO SEE THOSE PEOPLE...
THE ONE'S SHE HAD BEEN OF
OFFENDING OR DISPLEASING

IN THE PAST.
"DESIRE" A LOVELY WORD
WHICH SHE USED AND FELT OFTEN
BECAME A STRANGER

SHE HAD NO DESIRE TO BE WITH ANY
OF THOSE SELF LOVING,
SELF INVOLVED STRANGERS"
WHOM SHE CALL"ED, "FRIENDS" ONCE

THERE WERE NO FEELINGS OF TERROR,
FEAR, EMPATHY, PASSION, CONCERN,
FONDNESS, WARMTH, LOVE, NEED

IN HER OF ANY OF THOSE
FOR WHOM SHE SPENT SO MUCH
OF HER PRECIOUS TIME WORRYING ABOUT
HER PRECIOUS TIME...

BEING ANXIOUS THAT IF SHE
SAID, "NO" TO THOSE
WHOM SHE THOUGHT WERE DEAR
TO HER...

IN SOME WAYS...
AND THUS SHE NEEDED THEM
FOR COMPANY PERHAPS
OR FOR FUN PERHAPS

OR FOR CONVERSATIONS
OR FOR SOCIAL LIFE
OR FOR FINANCIAL LIFE
ALL THOSE LESS SOLID

ALL THOSE FEELINGS DISAPPEARED
ALL CONCERNS, WORRIES, FEAR
LEFT HER...
AND SHE LEFT ALL THOSE FEELINGS BEHIND

SHE BECAME NUMB
OFF AND ON
AND FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME
JUST NUMB, NOTHING ELSE...

BUT THE BEST THING WHICH
EVER HAPPENED TO KARIMA ULLAH
WAS, THAT HER LIFE LONG
FEELING OF DESPAIR

ABANDONED HER
ABANDONED GER LIKE THEY ALL ABANDONED
HER IN THE PAST
HER DESPAIR, LIFE LONG DESPAIR

JUST ABANDONED HER FOR EVER AND EVER.
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