HAPPY HOLIDAYS TALK SHOW WITH KARIMA ULLAHA

ButHAPPY HOLIDAY'S TALK SHOW WITH KARIMA ULLAHA
A
PLAY BY BINA SHARIF

(Holiday music comes on, lights dim to black, Karima Ullaha, the host of a talk show enters
stands, downstage center, music begins to fade and spotlight comes on her.  Rest of the stage is dark )

KARIMA ULLAHA:

I am Karima Ullaha.  I am a cultural critic for ATOPOS.

Do you know the meaning of the word ATOPOS?

Its a greek word and it means, "OUT OF PLACE."

There are lots of people who are out of place, as well down trodden

faceless, tongueless, despised and anonymous.

Most of the time the guests on my show belong to ATOPS.

But on this special holiday season, I decided to invite high class guests.

Guests who are on top their game and absolutely well informed on every topic

which effects our lives.

 They will guide us towards the achievement of, HAPPINESS"

during the happy holidays.

Most of the guests tonight are ,EXPERT--NEOCONS and THINK TANKERS

Actually I don't really know what that means.

"THINK TANKERS ?" Since English is my second language

as you can tell, I take every word literally.

To me it means that they are in a tank and they think.

But my curiosity is often about what's inside the tank beside them?

Are they all sitting and thinking?

Standing and thinking?

Floating and swimming and thinking?

But I can never figure it out.

I also invited, 'HEDGE FUND EXPERTS."

Another definition difficult to understand for an ,"OUTSIDER"

HEDGE FUND?

Do they go near a hedge and hide funds there?

Thats what I thought when I came here.

So I would go to Central Park  a lot searching for bags full of money

near the hedges...,

But I never found any funds under the hedges....

Doesn't matter, they are EXPERTS nevertheless.

They know it all about everything happening on this planet.

They know about Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Moses, Mohammad, Krishna and banks.

They know about ,FEAR, PARANOIA, PROPAGANDA.

They know about the far away cultures, their women, oppression, homosexuality.

ANTHROPOLOGISTS are also invited.

They know so much about the caves, the gold, uranium, rivers, mountains,

jungles, lions, tigers, cats, dogs, snakes...............

OH1 MAN, SO MUCH EXPERTIS.......

So I thought that I would have them on my talk show so they can

ENLIGHTEN,

SURPRISE,

AMAZE,

STARTLE AND FRIGHTEN US AL AND REMIND ME

CONSTANTLY AND PERSISTENTLY THAT MY SHOW IS A NOTHING SHOW.....

And by the time they leave they will say, "ITS A PITY WE MADE YOU FEEL SO SHITTY."

AND STILL GET A BIG FAT CHECK FROM MY CORPORATION.

BUT ALAS--TONIGHT ON THIS SPECIAL HOLIDAY NIGHT NONE OF THEM

SHOWED UP.

Its CHRISTMAS TIME and they have been celebrating the birth of JESUS,

The savior of their souls and their big banks.

So they are EXHAUSTED from eating a hell of a lot and SQUABBLING

with the families during the holiday meals.

Doesn't every family fight with each other on thanksgiving over ?

TURKEY

HONEY GLAZED HAM

STUFFING

PUMPKIN PIE

APPLE PIE

Holidays are usually very good to eat ham, eggnog, and fight?

The very first play, I ever saw here, (by a famous writer ) had a set up such as this.

THANKS GIVING NIGHT

VERY RICH FAMILY GETS TOGETHER FOR A MEAL

BIG BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS

SNOW FALLING OUT SIDE AND FREEZING COLD

INSIDE A GREAT FIRE PLACE, NICE AND COSEY

A BIG TABLE FULL OF THE BIRD AND FLOWERS AND CANDLES, CHINA CRYSTAL,

TONS OF STUFFING.............

After some small talk, they started to fight...

Oh! man, did they fight,  Cursed and screamed.

That was my first thanksgiving experience here and since then I always believed

that  TURKEY AND THANKSGIVING IS ALL ABOUT FIGHTING.

So by now my EXPERT guests are exhausted by eating and fighting and shopping

mostly for their mistresses.

And the HEDGE FUND EXPERTS,  some of them are Indicted because they

STOLE far too much money this time are contemplating suicide.

There are lots of bridges here which can serve that purpose.

Some other lonely, Isolated, failures, poor citizens of democracy during

the holidays are free to jump off those beautiful bridges any time they want,

no questions asked...........So to make the story short, as they say in the West....

Western World and its people are not STORY TELLERS.

THEY ARE JUST EXPERTS.

Story telling is a tradition in SANSKRIT.

(Asks the audience)

Do you know what SANSKRIT means?

(Maybe some one says yes even when no one responds she goes on )

OH! you are so smart.

You should have been the invited guest on my show.

But you seem liberal

And this show is a variety show which needs neocons, fundomentalists guests for variety....

(Laughs and make fun)

VARIETY SHOW WITHOUT ANY VARIETY SO FAR.............

BUT AS I WAS SAYING, STOIRY TELLERS IN INDIA  tells stories all night

out in the open, under the moonlight and hundreds of people listen with great delight

.  No one ever says, "Hey what's the point of your story?"

Here in the progressive West, no one has the time tell or listen to a story.

They all say, "Hey, come to the point.  I am in a hurry.  I have a meeting.

An appointment.

Appointment with whom?

With JESUS I guess who is coming to save the world.....

What a joke!

The world, us humans have a mission to destroy

But we do need a miracle by Jesus to save this world which is now full of axes, michettes,

knives and guns.

A big flood will come and drown us all...........

OH! PLEASE SO FAR THIS TALK SHOW DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A HAPPY

HOLIDAY SHOW AT ALL.

We should concentrate on happy things.

Oysters and Champagne ...Thats a happy topic.

We should all go to Laffyette, a goldenly lit, glamourous French Bistro and eat oysters,

drink champagne and just live there for ever.  That would be a pleasant miracle.

It would also be a miracle if after  the holidays people would killing each other and themselves.

When I moved here, people told me to watch over myself during the holidays and warned me

not to go near a bridge especially after Christmas and New year.

I don't go near a bridge all year round.

I am not a good jumper.

Too heavy to get on top of the bridge to jump.

People who exercise, go to the gym, they are fit, they can jump.

Jumping from the bridge is an athletic activity and I am not an athlete.

You can tell.  It shows for sure.

Everything shows no matter how much one wants to hide.

But I am grateful nevertheless.

Neither do I eat Turkey, nor honey glazed ham nor do I dare jump off the bridge.

THANK GOD FOR MY SHOW.

THIS SHOW HAS SAVED MY LIFE.

I JUST TELL STORIES.

MY BACKGROUND IS IN SANSKRIT.

I AM GOING TO IMPRISON YOU IN THIS ROOM OVER THE HOLIDAYS

AND TELL YOU LONG, UN-ENDING DEPRESSING STORIES.

AFTER ALL I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING POSITIVE ALSO.

I AMS O ENVIOUS OF PEOPLE COMMITTING SUICIDE, TAKING COCAIN,

METHADONE, OPIUM, HEROIN....

I DON'T EVEN TAKE GOD DAMNED MARIJUANA....

I AM CONSTANTLY STRESSED OUT

NO DRUGS, NO YOGA, NOT EVEN A SLICE OF HAM.

AND NONE OF THE EXPERTS SHOWED UP SO I HAVE TO GO ON TALKING AND

TALKING..............

MAYBE I SHOULD PICK A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE?

SO HE OR SHE CAN  TELL US THEIR OPINIONS ABOUT HOLIDAYS,

ABOUT THE WORLD AND ITS DANGERS AND JOYS OF LIVING.

(To the audience)

Any volunteer?

Any one?

Raise your hand

(An man raises his hand.

OH!  GREAT.  We got a guess.  Come on up. Come up on the stage....

(She laughs )

Not much of  a stage.......

Well come up any way.  Imagine a stage and jump up.

(The audience member come up on stage and Joins Karima  as the music comes on

and lights fade, they sit center stage right )

Music plays for about 20 seconds.

As the lights come up music begins to fade )

NEXT SCENE:  (Between the audience member and Karima)