HAPPY HOLIDAYS TALK SHOW WITH KARIMA ULLAHA

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TALK SHOW WITH KARIMA ULLAHA
A
NEW PLAY
BY
BINA SHARIF
copyright:binasharif 2014

CHARACTERS:  KARIMA ULLAHA: A TALK SHOW HOST
                              INVISIBLE JESUS:   A GUEST
                               JIM:  ANOTHER GUEST PICKED FROM THE AUDIENCE

KARIMA ULLAHA:

I am Karima Ullaha.  I am a cultural critic for the ATOPOS.

Do you know what ATOPOS MEAN?

ATOPOS means OUT OF PLACE

People who are....(pause)  well out of place.

 Such as, DOWN TRODDEN

FACELESS

TONGUELESS

DESPISED

COMPLETELY UNKNOWN (Hidden)

 However my guests on tonight's talk show are EXOERTS.

NEOCONS

THINK TANKERS

EXPERTS

EXPERTS are the most knowledgeable because...(pause)

they are experts.

They know it all.

They know all about Jesus

About, Mohammad, Moses, Mary, Joseph, oil,Sand, Coal, Wall street,

Banks, Evil....Oh! they know about evil, thats for sure.

They know about good, the future, Terror, Fear, Paranoia, Propaganda

and exaggeration.

They know about the world's politics, the world's cultures, the world's women and

their repression.  They for sure know about the homosexuality in the Arab world,

Free speech, no free speech and racism.

The EXPERTS also know about the dogs, the cats, the the snakes, lions and cows..

They know about anthropology, the mountains,the rivers,the jungles, the uranium and

the tigers.

THEY KNOW IT ALL.

And since they know it all so I thought that I would have them on my talk show today for the special

holiday segment so they can,

ENLIGHTEN YOU

SURPRISE YOU

AMAZE YOU

STARTLE YOU

DISGUST YOU

MANIPULATE YOU

FRIGHTEN YOU

Remind you CONSISTENTLY, PERSISTENTLY AND CONSTANTLY that you are a

NO-BODY. A NO -BODY IN EVERY WHICH WAY.

They will make you feel shitty with their pity over your demise and at the end of their

guest appearance every one of them will say, "ITS A PITY WE MADE YOU FEEL SO SHITTY."

Get a big fat check from my corporation and leave.

But alas today, on this special holiday seasoson none of them showed up.

Its Christmas time and they are all Christians and they have been celebrating the birth of Jesus, the

savior, the savior of their souls,  the savior of their BANKS, their BOATS and their MANSIONS.

They have been eating a hell of a lot on this special holiday season and quarreling with their

families at the end of the HOLIDAY meals.

Doesn't every family  fight with each other on Thanksgiving  over TURKEY,

HONEY GLAZED HAM, STUFFING, APPLE PIE, PUMPKIN PIE,

O course they fight.

I saw a play once by a celebrated writer, I think it was called, AH!WILDERNESS

It took place on thanksgiving, big house, big table, lots of food,candles, flowers, wine, a lake outside,

and after a small talk for a while they started to fight and fight and fight.

That was my first thanks giving experience and I believed Turkey had something to do with it.

HOLIDAYS are very good to eat turkey, ham, eggnog and then FIGHT.

I am sure that my potential neocon guests are exhausted from eating and fighting and fighting and eating,

so none of them showed up to give us their expert advice.

They are also shopping  for their mistressess.

And some are not shopping or eating, they are committing suicide.

HOLIDAYS are also for committing suicides.  They have built bridges for that.

Free democracies love their free citizens so much that they can jump from all these beautiful bridges

any time they want.  No questions asked.

So to make the story short...As they say in the West but Western World is not a story teller world.

So their stories are always short because...(pause...laugh) because they are not story tellers, they are

 just experts.

STORY TELLING is a tradition in SANSKRIT.

Do you know what SANSKRIT MEANS?  (talks to the audience )

Oh! you are so smart.  Maybe you should have been the invited guest on my show but you seem

pretty liberal and not a neocon and this show is a fundo mentalist VARIETY SHOW...(LAUGHS )

VARIETY SHOW WITHOUT ANY VARIETY SO FAR.  (aughs again )

But as I was saying SANSKRIT STORY TELLERS IN INDIA  used to tell stories all night in

a garden under the moonlight and people listened with great delight and no

one ever said to them, "Hey come to the point."

Here in the glorious west no one has the time to tell a story or listen to one.  They all say, "Hey

"What's the point of the story? I am n a hurry, I have an appointment."

"I am late for my meeting."

So many meetings

So many appointments....

Appointment with whom?"

With Jesus I guess....who is coming back in Jeruslem to save the world.

SAVE THE WORLD?

What a joke.

There will be no world left to be saved by the time Jesus will arrive .

All the neocon Christians are waiting for Jesus to come and save the world, the world they have

a mission to destroy.

I wonder if Jesus will bring Mary with him....

Mary who?

No, no, not Mary Poppins....

Mary the VIRGIN

VIRGIN who gave birth to Jesus, the MIRACLE....

It will be a miracle if Jesus can still come and save the world.  The world is now full of axes

, machettes, knives,guns...A big flood will come and drown us all.

Oh! please...so far this talk show doesn't seem like a happy holiday show at all.

Lets just concentrate on happy things.

It will also be a miracle that if after eating turkey and ham over Christmas and New Year holidays

people won't kill each other or themselves.

People told me when I came here to watch myself over holidays.

They told me don't ever go near a bridge especially after Christmas and New Year.

I never go near a bridge all year round.  Even If I don't jump, ...( laughs ) I am not a good

jumper.  Too heavy to get up on the top of the bridge and then jump.

Too heavy, far too heavy to jump.  Thats for sure.

People who exercise, go to the gym, they are fit, they can jump.

Jumping from the bridge is an atheletic art and I am not an athelete.  You can tell because....)Laughs)

it shows...right?  Yes, it shows, for sure it shows, every thing shows no matter how much one wants

 to hide.

But I am grateful never the less.  Neither do I eat turkey, nor honey glazed ham nor do I dare to

jump over the bridge.

Thank god for my show.  (laughs a lot )

This show has saved me.

I just tell stories. Unending stories..  My background is SANSKRIT.

I am going to imprison you in this room over the HOLIDAYS and tell you long, long, depressing

stories, (laughs again )

Afterall I have to do something positive during the Holidays.

I AM SO ENVIOUS OF PEOPLE COMMITTING SUICIDES, TAKING COCAINE, TAKING

METHADONE, HEROIN, WHATEVER.....

I DON'T EVEN TAKE FUCKING MARIJUVANA....

I am constantly stressed out.

No relaxation of any kind.

NO DRUGS, NO YOGA, NOT EVEN A SLICE OF HAM.

What the fuck am I go to do but tell stories.

And since none of the EXPERT GUESTS showed up I have to go on and on ....

Maybe I should pick a volunteer from the audience to tell us a story or two or give

us his/her strong winded opinions about the world and the joys and dangers of living.....

(yalks to the audience)

NY ONE?  Any one?  Raise your hand...

(an actor playing all the male roles is implanted in the audience)

  (He raises his hand )

KARIMA:  Oh! great, we got a guest....come on up, come up on the stage, (laughs ) not much of a

stage...well come up any way. Imagine a stage and jump up.

(Actor  comes on stage and she gestures towards the chair center stage right and he sit down)

KARIMA:

HI....

ACTO9R:

HI...

KARIMA:

TELL US YOUR NAME

ACTOR:

JIM...MY NAME IS JIM.

KARIMA:

Oh! great.  Are you a neo con?

ACTOR:

No.

KARIMA:

Oh! no.  He is not a neocon

KARIMA:

What are you?

ACTOR

A liberal.  I am a liberal.

KARIMA:

(To the audience)  Thats great.   No, he is not a neocon, he is a liberal.  (To the actor)

Liberal to the right?

ACTOR:

NO.

KARIMA:

Liberal to the left?

ACTOR:

NO

KARIMA:

Liberal in the center?

ACTOR:

YES, I am a liberal in the center.

KARIMA:

What does that mean? In the center?

ACTOR:

i DON'T KNOW.

KARIMA:  (To the audience)

He doesn't know.  I also don't know.
  I know many things, but I don't know this, liberal in the center.. But the good news is that he is a

liberal.

Center right? Center left? In the middle? Whatever.....

.He sounds like Obama, though he doesn't look like Obama, doesn't matter....

  Just keep us safe.  Happy news is that we are all so safe.

(To the actor)

Are you a Christian?

ACTOR;

Catholic.  I am a catholic.

KARIMA:

(To the audience)

I don't know this either, the difference between a Catholic and a Christian and I have been amongst

them for so long.

(To the actor)

The same thing.....

ACTOR:

No.  Not the same thing

KARIMA:

What's the difference

ACTOR:

Some of us are Catholic and some are Protestents

KARIMA:

What's the difference?

ACTOR:

Catholics believe in the virgin and protestants in the holly mother

KARIMA:

Thats the difference?

ACTOR:

And the Roman Church....

KARIMA:

Roman Church is the difference?

ACTOR:

We belong to the Roman Church.....

(Aside)

They belong to the Roman Church.... No human being belong no where...

(to the actor)

But all of you celebrate Christmas?

ACTOR:

Yes.

KARIMA:

Both groups believe in Jesus?

ACTOR:

Yes, We all believe in Jesus.

(Aside)

So much belief....unbelieveble...

ACTOR:

Yes we all believe in Jesus, like  the SHIA and SUNNI.  They both believe in MOHAMMAD.

KARIMA:

Well, they might believe in Mohammad but Shia Sunni is not the topic of this evening's show.

I did that show already.  The topic is CHRISTIANITY and CHRISTIANITY only.

Christmas has just passed.  Holiday time is here.  And Muslim topic is not conducive for holidays.

Muslims are not happy people.  THIS SHOW, MY SHOW IS A HAPPY HOLIDAY SHOW.

THATS THE TITLE OF THE SHOW. HAPPY HOLIDAY SHOW.  And Muslims, Shia

and Sunni are neither happy nor do they celebrate any holiday.

First of all there is no Muslim holiday in this country.  Or is there a an official Muslim holiday here?

Did I miss something all these years?

No, I am sure I didn't miss anything.  There is no Muslim holiday here. (Asks the actor)

KARIMA:

Are schools closed on a Muslim holiday here?

ACTOR:

No.  No school is closed on a Muslim holiday because there is no Muslim Holiday here.

There must be a Muslim holiday in their country....

KARIMA:

Which country?

ACTOR:

Their country...

KARIMA:

This is their country...

ACTOR:

No.  This is a Christian country

KARIMA:

But many Muslims were born here...

ACTOR:

I don't know anything about that.  Holiday or no holiday, they don't know how to have fun.

They constantly fight with each other and at the end of the holiday meal instead of saying,

"FUCK YOU" TO THEIR RELATIVES LIKE WE DO THEY JUST KILL EACH OTHER.

They use whatever instrument is handy.  Not many guns are used by them.

 Guns are mostly Western instruments of killing.

They don't shoot each other.  They kill each other.  There is a difference.  They use anything handy,

like an AX or machette, kitchen knives but You are right.

Why should we talk about Muslims?

Its our holiday season and we need to celebrate. We are so exhausted from over work...

The whole year I am working, non stop, working, running around like a frightened rat

and working, we need to have fun, damn it, its our holiday, the Western holiday.....

and where is my fun?

KARIMA:

Yes, lets have fun.  Do you have anything frightfully funny for us today?

ACTOR:

I wasn't prepared...You just picked me from the audience....

KARIMA:

.(To the audience)

He has nothing prepared.  He is definatley not an expert.

(To the actor)

So Improvise.  You are a New Yorker arn't you?

ACTOR:

Yes.  Yes I am.

KARIMA:

So improvise.  New Yorkers are very good with that.  They are always improvising.  Always

creating something new.  They are innovators.

Innovate us, enlighten us with your Catholicism.....

ACTOR:

Well...When Jesus was born, there were wars going on and when Jesus will come back

there will be wars going on.  End of story.

KARIMA:

Thats an awfully short story.  You are not an East Indian?  Are you?

ACTOR:

I am definitely not.  Do I look like an East Indian to you?

KARIMA:

Where are you from?

ACTOR:

(Proudly)

I AM FROM NEW JERSY

KARIMA:

Oh! NEW JERSY....Where is this place NEW JERSY?  I often encounter hell of a lot

of people from NJ

ACTOR:

Its over the bridge....

KARIMA:

Oh! the bridge.  Do people committ suicide over the bridge in NJ also?

ACTOR:

No, not really.  They are not cosmopolitan enough to commit suicide.

KARIMA:

Oh! my goodness.  Good for them.  I should move to NJ.  I am cosmopolitan enough and I often

contemplate suicide but not bold enough to go to a bridge.....Well I think we should stay away

from the topic of suicide untill after the New Year.

 So what did you eat during the Christmas holidays?

ACTOR:

Honey glazed ham, Turkey mixed with ham, Bacon on top of steamed Salmon,

blue berry pie with pig skin flavor.  I love, ham, baacn, Juicy roast pork.

  Thank God that he didn't make me a Muslim.....

KARIMA:

We need to have Christian topics of discussion today, Our holiday is of that nature, you seem to get

off the topic quite a bit.  You seem obsessed with Muslims....Was your ex wife a muslim?

ACTOR:

(Very offended)

Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, mother of Christ.....

KARIMA:

Thats more like it...Why don't you sing for us?

(He sings, Holy night and then Hale Luha and hale  luha music comes on)

KARIMA:

We need a commercial break.  Don't go away, we will be right back.

Lights fade on them and an actor enters and downstage center , lights up on him, rest of the stage dark,

he does the commercial

COMMERCIAL

During this holiday season be sure to sign up for TIME WARNER CABLES EXTREMELY

GENEROUS SIGNATURE AUTO PLUS PACKAGE.

Starting at $59.99, this package includes everything you need for faster internet,

more cable and reliable phone services. With signature plus, you get our ulltra-mega-

extreme modem, you get HBO, Showtime,Max, Epix and thousands of other channels

that will keep you surfing endlessly.  With signature plus you will never want to leave home.

It will keep you from venturing into the streets at all hours where you might be mugged

robbed, or even murdered.

Please note, after six months, the price jumps up to $399.99 (THats right, still under $400)

But it will be worth it. And remember should something go wrong with any part of your

service, if the super fast internet slows down, or any of the five thousand cable channels

stops working, or if your long distance phone service becomes a no distance service,

Our trained and professional repair team are on stand by 24/7.

Just call 1-800-fix me up, and they will stay on the phone with you for hours while

we resolve your problem.  Why, they are so pleasant, you will almost want to have a problem,

just to be able to talk to them for hours.  But don't worry, you will inevitably have a problem

with our service, and then you will be able to speak with our ever so polite representatives

--for hours.  Time warner signature plus: stay home, watch tv, stay on line, call people, stay

warm, sip some hot chocolate and don't get murdered like dog in the street.

Call 1-800-fix me up and happy holidays.

(Music comes back, light fade on the special and lights up on Karima and the guest center stage right. )

(MUSIC ENDS, THEY ARE BOTH SITTING NOW.  LIGHTS UP.

ACTOR:

This music makes me believe that Jesus will be back sooner than later.

How sad it is that he died for our sins...

KARIMA:

How many sins have you commited?

ACTOR:

No, not me.  I am not a sinner.  I wasn't even born then.

KARIMA:

But you said, "Jesus died for our sins."

ACTOR:

Yes, I said that.  I meant that Jesus died for humanity's sins

KARIMA:

That was such a long, long time ago.  Was humanity commiting sins even then?

ACTOR:

Humanity is always commiting sins.  As Oscar Wilde said, "It is because humanity

has never known where it was going--that it has never been able to find its way.  "

Jesus died for that humanity.  Humanity was always lost.

KARIMA:

Who is humanity?

ACTOR:

Us.  Me, You, them, (Gesture towards the audience)

We are all part of humanity.

KARIMA:

But I am not a sinner.  Neither are you.  So we are not part of humanity then...

ACTOR:

I mean in general.  We are  part of a big humanity.  Whether you commit individual sins or not

its the collective sins all of us committed that Jesus died for.

...You should know that.  You are a talk show host. You don't seem to know much Christianity.

Where are you from?

KARIMA:

You don't want to know... The place I am from, They  chop your head off over there.....

ACTOR:

Why?  I haven't done anything.  A few minutes ago I was just an innocent audience member.

KARIMA:

Thats the beauty of it.  They don't care.

 They just like to chop your head off.

ACTOR:

Like that guy Centuries ago....What was his name?  (Pause)  Oh! yes!  Tamberlaine.

He chopped every body's head off.  He Slained millions. Muslim violence came out of him.

They are not off stage?  Are they?

KARIMA:

But he wasn't a Muslim....

ACTOR:

His great, great, great grndson was a Muslim.  His name was Babur.  He was the king of MUGHAL

EMPIRE IN INDIA.

KARIMA:

Till the British came and chopped their heads off ...

But Moghul kings were not into killing.  They were into architect and beauty.  They built

Taj Mahal.

ACTOR:

Violence is in their blood.  Sure they were killers First they kill then they built Taj Mahal.

They are not hiding off stage are they?

KARIMA:

No body is off stage...I think.

ACTOR:

What do you mean?  You think?

KARIMA:

No, no body is off stage.  Relax

(Aside)

Oh! Jesus.  He is so afraid. He doesn't know anything.  He is not an expert.  I should have

invited some Jewish experts. I am sure they know something about Christians.

ACTOR:

(Starts to mumble)

Jesus died for our sins....Jesus died for our sins.....

KARIMA

(Interrupts him annoyingly)

Lisen, When I picked you from the audience I didn't know that you were a sinner because the

audience is the oly group who are sinless.

I am not a sinner, neither was my father, nor my grand father.  I am a talk show host

who has no one to talk to except you and you only talk about sins.  Guests on talk shows usually

shout, yell, scream about many many topics troubling us on this holiday season...

Maybe you and me should just start yelling and interrupting each other

 like Charlie Rose does.

ACTOR:

I am not a yelling sort.  I am a quiet, peaceful kind of a guy...

KARIMA:

You are not a talk show guest type either..  They talk furiously.  You are more of

a texting kind of a guy.

ACTOR:

I text.  I do.  Like the whole world.  I am part of a big humanity and the humanity

is texting.....They are not into belief.  They have love affair with texting. They have forgotten Jesus.

KARIMA:

Jesus is not forgotten.  Jesus is everywhere

ACTOR:

They don't believe in any religion.  They don't even believe in themselves and Jesus clearly told us to

believe in our selves.

KARIMA:

If we don't believe in anything we can act it out as if we do believe.

Like Oscar Wilde said," I love acting.  It is so much more real than life and the world is a stage

but the play is badly cast."  You do like Oscar Wilde, don't you?

ACTOR:

I do like his writing but I never liked him.  He was a homosexual.

KARIMA:  (Aside)

Oh! my goodness.  He is a homophobe.

(Outloud)

I should get some one else from off stage.....

ACTOR:

But you said,"THere is no one else back stage."

KARIMA:

I lied...They are there.....hiding....Dangerous people with axes......

ACTOR:

Oh! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus Christ, Holy mary, mother of God, help me, help me.....

Jesus, help me, help me.....(Leaps up from the chair and exit from the main door from where the

audience came in, he exits screaming.)

(Christmas music)

Lights fade....

End of scene

Lights up

NEXT SCENE:

(Karima alone on stage)

KARIMA:

What a mess.

What a failure

What a failed talk show host I am....

But you see I recently read an article in Wall Street Journal that Failure is a great source

of pride and if you become proud of your failure then you can make a bundle of money.

So someone who was a total failure in this successful city started a www.failure .com

and started to have a fortune with invited guests to give lectures about how to be very, very proud

of your failures., and charged $350 per person and 500 people showed up....

(I never knew that there were so many failed people who lived in this financial metroplis

but nevertheless they all came and paid lots of money and declared,"  I am a failure and I am proud."

and made the owner of www.failure.com a lot of money.

So the owner started, www.failure.com in Miami, Los Angeles,Austin Texas, Chicago and now has

gone global, in London, Paris, Brussels, Berlin.

What a great success the www.failure.com became.

You see anything become popular in NY makes money all over Europe even in Beijing.

Success and failure means shit.  Just make money out of everything possible.

"Oh, what a tasty fried Chicke wing."

'Start a www,business.com"

"Oh! what a tasty donut."

''Start www.business.com."

Every one knows money making Ideas except me.

I have money spending Ideas.

I am going to start www.moneyspending.com Business.

That business will have a guarntee of failure like my talk show with a name like

KARIMA ULLAHA.....Please

Which Catholic, Jew Christian is going to show up on KARIMA ULLAHA'S TALK SHOW.

They think I am going to chop their heads off like the last Catholic.....

They are all googling my name already on Google search bar.

'What kind of a name is this?

Ukeranian?

No

Bulgarian?

No

Dutch?

No

Japanese?

No.

I know they are all doing a search.  Thats why none of them showed up

'Hey, what kind of experts are you any way?"

You don't even know what kind of a name is KARIMA ULLAHA?

Any way, its time for a commercial break.

 Don't go away, we will be right back.

(LIghts fade a bit, some kind of kish musika comes on

 (Actor who played the audience member can do the commercial)

(Commercial)

 During this happy holiday season, to Improve your love life when you have

erectile dysfunction, TAKE CIALIS.

CIALIS IS THE REMEDY OF CHOICE.

Take CIALIS in the morning, afternoon and at night.

CIALIS will bring love in your lover's eyes and a big smile on your face.

With CIALIS you will never stop the flow of love.

Your partner will beg you to stop but you won't stop.

CIALIS is a miracle drug.

You might experience discomfort, nausea, vomiting, Insomnia,heart murmer,

liver dysfunction, internal bleeding,  brain disorder, heart failure, kidney failure

even death, contact your physician right away,  but this kind of discomfort is worth it for love

and constant intensity of love during this holiday season. If you are 70 or older take double dose

of CIALIS.

And If your ERECTION lasts for more than four hours get to emergency.

But take CIALIS for your love life.

We guarantee  100% success with CIALIS during the holidays.

(End of commercial)

(Music comes on, lights fade)

Lights up

KARIMA:

And we are back.

The back stage people have just informed me that no Neocon or liberal guest

has showed up yet.

And I say, forget about the expert guests.  Lets make New year Resolutions.

You see I made resolutions in the past, in 2002--2004--20013--2014

such as.......

Losing weight

Getting my act together

Be diligent about the immaculate Apt,

Travels

Eating right

Going to the gym

Looking good

Being aloof but polite like the English

No fighting with any one but getting away from everyone....

blah...blah...blah

But  never achieved those resolutions because, (Laughs) I was a fool.

I never faced the reality of living in NY.

 The reality of the New Year in NY is and going to be that snow will be here in 2015,

there will be slush, sleet, wind dirt, mud, poverty, same shit like 2014, add a few new illnessess, a few

more furgusons and a frw more talk shows about RACE

Everything which was here in 2002, 2005, 2009, 20013 will be here again and I Karima

Ullah won't suffer and actually enjoy the following.

FAT

FOOLISHNESS

FAILURE

I WOULD LIKE TO BE FATTER,

I WILL WASTE TIME

I WILL EAT A HELL OF A LOT

I WILL TALK TO EVERY TOM DICK AND HARRY AND WASTE YOUR

VALUABLE TIME

I WILL LOVE YOUR FILTHY, MESSY APT IN 2015

I WILL THROW THINGS HERE AND THERE.

IWILL THROW YOUR BRAZIER IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR KITCHEN

THROW SOME DIRTY DISHES ON TOP OF THAT

THEN THROW SOME DIRTY UNDERWEARS ON TOP OF THAT

THEN THROW SOME KETCH UP ON IT

(GETTING ANGRY BABY?)

THROW THE NEW YORK TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OTHER ROOM

THROW THE WET DIRTY SNEAKERS COVERED WITH DOG SHIT FROM

TOMPKIN SQUARE PARK ON TOP OF THAT, THROW THE WET GLOVES, WET HAT,

BROKEN UMBERELLA,  THROW WET COAT ON THE BED OR ON THE FLOOR OR IN

...THE FRIDGE...I WON'T CARE ABOUT ANY THING.ACTUALLY I WILL BE SO

THRILLED IF I CAN ACHIEVE ALL THESE THINGS IN 2015

ALL THE RESOLUTIONS I MADE IN THE PAST WERE IMPRACTICAL,

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO ANXIETY RIDDEN, CONSTIPATED AND THE SHIT LIST OF

RESOLUTIONS TOO LONG...

FORGET ABOUT IT, THATS MY ADVICE TO YOU ALSO.  FORGET ABOUT

ALL THE POSITIVE RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR.SAY THAT YOU WANT TO

ACCOMPLISH NOTHING

THIS YEAR.  SAY IT NICE AND LOUD AND CLEAR.  SAY IN THE YEAR 2015, YOUR

ACHIEVEMENT WILL BE ZERO, ZERO, ZERO...

SAY THAT IN THE YEAR 2015 YOU WANT TO BE FATTER, SLOBBISH, PIGISH

MESSIER, UNEMPLOYED AS USUAL, AND CARE FREE....

BEING CARE FREE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT

SAY THAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING OR ANYBODY...

REPEAT IT 100 TIMES BEFORE YOU SLEEP AND AFTER YOU WAKE UP...

SAY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE PENNILESS, HAPLESS, MISERABLE  BUT THE

FUNNIEST

.PERSON ON THIS PLANET. BEING FUNNY DOESN'T COST A NICKLE.

JUST BE THRILLED FOR DOING NOTHING.............

SO I WANT TO WISH HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU AND

 ALL THE PEOPLE OUT THERE.......THIN PEOPLE,

FAT PEOPLE, TALL PEOPLE, SHORT PEOPLE, SUCCESSFUL AND THE

FAILURES, TALENTED,  UNTALENTED,  SLOBS, BASTARDS,

POETS ,MODELS ,SCHIZOPHERINCS,  BUMS,  ACTORS..SAME THING, ARTISTS,

LOSERS

FUCKING COMPUTER EXPERTS,  PHILOSOPHERS,  PIMPS,   PRIESTS,  MURDERERS,

HOMELESS, ALCHOLICS, STARS,  PAEDOPHILES AND RAPISTS...

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EAT, DRINK, EAT AGAIN, DRINK AGAIN, BE ABNOXIOUS

TO EVERY ONE BUT BE MERRY...

JUST PAINT, WRITE,  PERFORM, LAUGH, LAUGH AND TALK, LAUGH AND DRINK,

LAUGH AND EAT,

LAUGH AND VOMIT...

GIVE NO ONE ELSE A THOUGHT

GIVE NO IMPORTANCE TO ANY ONE IN 2015

GIVE EVERYTHING TO YOUR SELF

GIVE IMPORTANCE TO YOUR SELF

TO YOUR LIFE

TO YOUR WORDS

TO YOUR ACTIONS

LIVE, LIVE, LIVE

LAUGH AT THE ABSURDITY OF LIFE AND LIVE MY DARLINGS, LIVE.

2015 I DEDICATE TO THE ARTIST

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU THE FAILED ARTIST

LONG LIVE THE FAILED ARTIST

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO JESUS

LONG LIVE JESUS....BECAUSE HAPPY NEW YEAR ALWAYS COMES AFTER JESUS

COMES....

(Music begins...lights fade a bit)

(Lights up)

WELL....

THAT WAS EXHAUSTING....

TIME TO TAKE A SHORT BREAK, DON'T GO AWAY,,,,

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK...

(Music continues)

(Karima is now in the green room, stage left, she reclines on the love seat as if she is taking

a nap, light fades on her and a Christ like figure appears, spot light on him.

 He stands and baptize her.  Then he sits on the chair opposite her, music plays for 30 seconds)

SCENE BETWEEN INVISIBLE jESUS AND kARIMA

(To be typed, edited version)

INVISIBLE JESUS:

You never change...Do you?

KARIMA:

Never

INVISIBLE JESUS:

So?

KARIMA:

So? Help me....

JESUS:

Help you?

KARIMA:

Yes, help me

JESUS:

Who can help you?

KARIMA

You

JESUS:

Me?

KARIMA:

Yes.  You.

JESUS:

I don't exist

KARIMA:

You don't?

JESUS:

No, I don't

KARIMA:

So?

JESUS:

So what?

KARIMA:

I have been asking....You to help me

JESUS:

Help you with what?

KARIMA:

Help me change

JESUS:

I can't...

KARIMA:

Why not?

JESUS:

I don't exist

KARIMA:

You don't....They have been all celebrating your birth and you say, you don't exist...

JESUS:

No I don't and I can't change no body if I am not living inside of their hearts...

KARIMA:

But I have been asking you to help me change for so long

JESUS:

You have been wasting your time.

KARIMA:

All Christians have told me to ask Jesus to help me  and I have been asking you quietly for help

all my life....

JESUS:

But I have told you so many times that I don't exist at keast physically, so I can't help you...

KARIMA:

You wasted my life with false promises

JESUS:

I never promised you anything

KARIMA:

You told me that with your help and help of Jesus I will change...

JESUS:

But you care not for Jesus.  You have been making fun of the Christians for the last two hours now.

KARIMA

Two hours?  No way...

JESUS:

You have been laughing and cracking jokes about a serious matter.  People and their belief.

I am non existent but the belief is not.  I am not here.  I can't help you You can't change

KARIMA:

You told me that any one can change, any one with belief.

JESUS:

But you are not any one and you have no belief in anything.  You are a completely

destructive person

KARIMA:

Destructive?

JESUS:

Self destructive

KARIMA:

But you neede to help me.  You are into Jesus or maybe you are Jesus...

JESUS:

I am not here, neither is Jesus....

KARIMA:

You gave me false promises

JESUS:

I never talked to you.  I never met you before

KARIMA:

But you listened,

JESUS:

But I have answered you.  Put love of Jesus inside of your heart and all your troubles

will go away.

KARIMA:

Troubles?  Do I have troubles?

JESUS:

Didn't you tell me that you feel lonely amongst this vast humanity. You told me that you have

no sense of belonging most of the time especially during the happy holidays...

KARIMA;

I belong to my work...

JESUS:

Work?  No one showed up....What kind of work is this?

KARIMA:

They are all bastards

JESUS:

They are not bastards, you don't believe in their beliefs.

KARIMA;

They can all go to hell.  And you ruined my life with a never ending promise that I will

do whatever needed to be done tomorrow...I will feel comfortable tomorrow....

JESUS:

I am not your tomorrow

KARIMA:

What are you then?

JESUS:

I am your past

KARIMA:

But my past was fulfilled

JESUS:

Because in the past you believed.  You believed in yourself.  In the past you did

everything which needed to be done every day.

KARIMA:

Because you helped me.

JESUS:

I was never your god and I have never been around.  I have always been your past.

KARIMA:

You helped me in the past

JESUS:

I never helped you

KARIMA;

Then who helped when I achieved in the past?

JESUS:

You did...

KARIMA;

What?

JESUS;

You did.  You helped yourself

JESUS:

And now?

JESUS

NOW YOU HAVE STOPPED

KARIMA:

Stopped what?

JESUS

Stopped helping yourself, stop believing in Gods

KARIMA:

There are so many Gods, I don't know who to believe in?

There are not so many Gods.  There are only three Gods.  Jesus.  Moses and Mohammad.

Some Gods have completely failed n all kinds of business.  Belong to the one who is still

successful.

KARIMA:

What do you mean?

JESUS:

Belong to the one who is making tons of money.  Look how many Christmas trees are being sold.

KARIMA:

What should I do?

JESUS:

Get up and make some money....

Pray!  and begin to move

KARIMA:

Move where?

JESUS:

Just move.  put some movement in your body and soul

KARIMA;

And then?

JESUS:

Then things will happen

KARIMA:

What things?

JESUS;

Things you want to achieve every day

KARIMA:

What things?

I know my talk show failed but I have forgotten what other things I want to achieve every day.

JESUS:

What you want to achieve every day is not to feel lonely, not to feel impoverished, to belong.

 Belong to the big humanity, rich humanity, financially successful humanity.

 Be part of joys of life, holidays, Christmas, ..feel like other people of belief...

JESUS

But other people don't believe in what I believe

JESUS:

Because your belief is not the most popular.  People are afraid of your belief.

This way will always be lonely.  You need to see the bigger picture,

If you belong to the, SUCCESS.COM  you won't feel lonely...

KARIMA:

(IN A DAZE)

Lonely?

JESUS:

Yes, loneliness...during ordinary days...

KARIMA:

But these are not ordinary days.  These days are festive, These are happy holidays...

JESUS:

Your loneliness is because of your lack of belief in Jesus.

KARIMA:

I can't

JESUS:

Why not?

KARIMA:

Because Jesus is not my God

JESUS:

Who is your God then?

KARIMA:

I don't know.  I don't really know. I am lost.  I live amongst the Christians, Jews and their Gods seem

 different than my God. And during the holidays which are Christian holidays I feel lost and lonely

JESUS:

Because you lost faith.  Your heart is empty.  Put Jesus in your heart

KARIMA:

I can't.  He is not my God.

JESUS:

Put your own God in your heart then.

KARIMA:

My God doesn't live here.  He lives very far.  Very very far, somewhere out there...

JESUS:

Thats what I am telling you.  Put Jesus in your heart.  Jesus is right here.  Everywhere.

Look around you.  Jesus is closer to you than your Aorta.  Slide him down into your heart

and all your troubles will vanish.....Jesus is the answer

KARIMA:

But you said, Jesus doesn't exist.

JESUS:

I diidn't say that.  I said, I don't exist

KARIMA:

But I thought you were Jesus.  Arn't you Jesus? Arn't you Jesus?

JESUS:

I am not.  But you need to believe in Jesus.  Thats the solution of your loneliness.

You need to put Jesus in your heart to save humanity.

KARIMA:

Humanity is the biggest trouble.  I am not keen to save humanity.  I need to only

save myself

JESUS:

You said it.  In order for you to save yourself, you have to think of the others, others

who were created as a big, big humanity and you can never save your self alone by leaving others behind.  And all Gods are the same.  Full of mercy.  Only the public has given them different
names.  There is only one God.

KARIMA:

Which one?  Which God?

What's his name?

Tell me the name of the God I should worship to save my soul on this happy holiday?

JESUS:  (Doesn't answer)

KARIMA:

(Pretty hysterical)

Answer me...Please answer me.....

Oh! I see, I see....

You are Jesus...  You are Jesus.  I need you ....I know you are Jesus....Jesus....

JESUS:

Relax.  Hysteria never served any one.  Especially women. Relax, have fun, enjoy

the holidays.  I promise you that from now on you will always enjoy Christmas.

Have fun...Adieu's....REMEMBER ME....

(Invisible Jesus starts to disappear...He fades into the darkness.)

(Music)

END OS SCENE

(Lights  come up.)

NEXT SCENE

(Karima is waking up from the slumber.  Puts some lipstick on)

KARIMA:

Sorry, so sorry, I dozed off during the commercial break.  We are all so tired.

We Americans overwork.  Please!  Can't believe I dozed off during my own talk show.

But you would too if you had no Guest to talk to.  I wonder where they all went tonight?

But I had a surprised guest.  Showed up Un-invited.

I allowed it because (Laughs)  I had no one else....(Laughs again)

You are not going to believe this but it was JESUS.  Yes, JESUS.  Maybe he felt

sorry for my lonely talk show and decided to cheer me up.

First he baptized me....Yes, he did.  I don't know if you noticed but how could you

it was an Invisible Jesus.  Only I could see him.

He baptized me and told me that I will never be lonely again, I will achieve, I will have tons of

Christian guests on my future talk shows because Now I am one of them.

JESUS CONVERTED ME INTO A CHRISTIAN.

I STILL DON'T KNOW If I AM A CATHOLIC OR PROTESTENT BUT HE TOLD ME THAT

FROM NOW ON I AM A CHRISTIAN AND NOW I WILL BELONG TO THE BIGGER

PICTURE.  I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANT,"THE BIGGER PICTURE"

BUT HE PROMISED ME THAT I WILL HAVE A PERFECT SENSE OF BELONGING

TO THE BIGGER HUMANITY AND I WILL FINELY BE HAPPY EVERY DAY

SO AT LEAST HE GOT RID OF MY ETERNAL LONELINESS DURING THIS CHRISTMAS

AND EVERY OTHER CHRISTMAS WHICH  WILL COME MY WAY.

ISN'T IT AMZING?

MY MOTHER USED TO TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A PURPOSE.

NO GUEST SHOWED UP ON MY FABULOUS TALK SHOW BECAUSE JESUS WAS

GOING TO BE A SURPRISED GUEST....AND FROM NOW ON I WILL ALWAYS BE

 HAPPY AS A LARK. WHAT AN EPHINEY! I AM FINALLY A CHRISTIAN IN A

CHRISTIAN COUNTRYAND SURPRISE, SURPRISE, I WILL ALWAYS ENJOY

 A SLICE OF HONEY GLAZED HAM AND CRISPY BACON AND PIG SKIN PORK BUNS....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.  MAY YOUR HOLIDAYS ARE ALWAYS FULL OF HAM......

GOOD NIGHT. )Music is coming on)

REMEMBER ME....REMEMBER ME...REMEMBER ME......

(MUSIC GETS LOUDER

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK

END OF PLAY.