THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWWFUL DREAMS

I was in some one else's apt

It was so manageable unlike mine

But some of the things in there belonged to me

I wondered how they got in their place....

I am either looking for myself in my dreams or looking for my

missing things....

Some thing is always missing in my life

Also missing in my dreams

I am so sick of these dreams

Always the same shit...looking for something

not finding it, looking again, not finding it, looking and looking.........

So tired of looking

So tired of not finding...

Stop looking....

Don't try to find anything...

Let it go...

Let the dream  go as well.....

Stop writing about it

Stop writing about it even if you can't stop dreaming the awful dream.

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was a huge black pole somewhere

I was trying to lift it and carry it with me somewhere else

I wonder what for?

Then there were lots of women

Some knew me, some didn't

But they were all curious...

I wonder why?

I didn't know who I was?

And what I was doing?

And why I was there?

But I guess that is the function of the dream

Nothing is totally clear

But some time I wonder

Whats the difference between a dream and reality...

Especially in my case...

Nothing much is clear during the day when I am wide awake...

Or maybe I am never wide awake........

I guess thats it............

Never wide awake, never

So what can be done about it?

I have no idea

My dreams reflect the incoherence of my life

Lack of discipline during the day,

No regular schedule

No regular routine...

No fixed eating hours

No fixed sleeping hours...

No regular working hours

What kind of day is that?

Every one is working...

You are waiting for the night to come hit you on the head andknock you out

Of your paralysis....

Who will discipline you?

Who can discipline you?

You have such talent and no way to move it forward....

Thats what your dreams reflect

When the dreams lose purpose

Its obvious that you have lost purpose during the day

Your nights are reflection of the your days

Wasted days....

Talking about this and that

All nonsense

All nonsensical stuff....

Why don't you stick to something?

Why don't you think that your life is a play

And you have to get ready for the opening night

Play is going to open unless you cancel your play....

Cancel all your plays because you didn't get ready....

But if you have no intention of cancelling the play then you have to get ready...

Don't you?

Does it make any sense?

Yes, it makes a lot of sense....

Then get ready...

Get ready, the time for opening night of the play is approaching....

All your dreams are about being not ready, never ready....

So get ready....................

PROJECT

PROJECT

People sitting next to me only talked about money.

Both husband and wife, talked about it nice and loud

So the others in the cafe can hear about it.

They behaved as if they were the only Important people on this planet.

She was hysterical about getting $17-000 for some thing she had done, a project, I guess....

Its always a project.  Isn't it?

But she wasn't satisfied with $17-000 for the project she had done.

She wanted $22-000.

She kept going back and forth checking her text messages on her iphone and talking

and talking loudly about, "MONEY"

Money she was making from some obscure, "PROJECT".

He hysterically kept talking about some advance money he was going to get

beside the amount of money he had already gotten.

What project were they working on?

I had no idea....

Every thing they spoke about was nice and clear, the number of dollars I mean,

except the definition of the project.

Perhaps they were involved in some criminal project?

A hustle?

Money laundering?

Some illegal transaction ?

They just named it, PROJECT"

Your money

My money....

Our money...

Once in a while they would shut up and look at their iphones and then abruptly

and loudly talk about thousands of dollars they were going to get any minute for their

mysterious,surrealistic, abstract,  un-defined, vaguely toxic, PROJECT which will bring them 30

million dollars eventually....

What?

What did I just heard?

30 millions?

Is that what I just heard?

Yes, nice and loud and clear....

the words,  30 million dollars...

Man1 they must have some project... some holy project

To hold and behold.................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

And she was looking for her old black shoes

But some one had dumped every thing from the big sac

I told them, She will be coming back" "Don't remove the garbage bag yet."

But no one listened.........It was just like real lif

People never pay attention to anything even when they are told.


I wonder what else was in the bag

It was huge

There must be something else in there

She wasn't happy

I know this particular person in real life

I am not a real good friend of hers

But I do know her from here and there

I am not particularly fond of her

I wanted to be a friend a few times

But she is very strange to say the least

She insists to buy you a cup of coffee and then remind you that she bought you a coffee....

I hate this kind of behavior

Very embarrassing to say the least

That coffee keep coming back in your throat to choke you...

And you regret ever agreeing to her offer

Then she is very annoying all the time

She has problems with her concentration

She never listen

Or she fakes it

I think she fakes it

Then she talks bad of all her friends and her boyfriends

You know she is going to talk bad about you the moment she is with some one else

To make the story short, I am not so keen on her

So why would I be dreaming about her?

Or why would she be in my dream?

Does she occupy my sub=conscious?

Arn't dreams about sub=conscious?

Or whatever......


Then the scene changes

Then I see some one I am very fond of

He tells me not to leave today and come with them to the court house

Courthouse?  Why is he going to the court house?

We never go to courts

We are not criminals

We are not thieves

We are not robbers

Maybe he is going to court to watch some other criminals

Maybe to watch some important trial about some international star

People are interested in stars

So the star might have killed his girl friend

Or stabbed his mother to death

Or ust have robbed some paintings from the museums

Or was involved in a bank robbery

Like Al Pacino in some movie....

What was the name of the movie?

Oh! gee, what was the name?

Serpico?

No, It wasn't Serpico...

That was about a cop

The other one....

Which other one?

You know which one I mean

No, I don't know what you mean

The movie where Al goes all nuts and rob a bank and keep bank tellers hostages

Oh! I see

What do you see?

That one...

Which one?

The one in which Al Robs a bank....

Thats what I said

I know what you said

So whats the name of the movie?

Its on the tip of my tongue...

Its on the tip of my tongue too......

Oh! well it will come to me

When?

Soon...

But why are you thinking of that movie in which Al robbed the bank?

Because.....

Because the person in my dream, the person I like asked me not to take the flight

Back.....

Flight back where?

I don't know but I was supposed to take the flight back from where ever I came from....

Where did you come from?

I don't know

You don't know and you are taking a flight back to where ever you came from...

Yes, But I didn't remember where I came from and where I was going back to

You didn't remember?
No I didn't

How awful....

Why awful?

Because  you didn't remember where you came from....

It was a dream, in dreams one doesn't remember exactly where one is or where one is going....

So you are living a dream....

In my dream I was living a dream and I couldn't remeber clearly

Clearly what?

Whatever I was dreaming...

Why were you dreaming if you were not going to remember your dream?

What a silly question...don't ask questions, you are always asking questions and most of the time

those questions don't make any sense............dream is a dream is a dream...

Dream means, no continuation, no connectedness, no relevance

Thats not what dreams mean....dreams are always meant to be about you, your psyche, your

inner being, your lack of clarity...like you even couldn't remember what movie Al robbed the bank

in.....

I didn't know it then but I know it now....
You know the name of the movie now?

Yes

Whats the name?

Dog day afternoon...

So why didn't you say so?

I didn't know it then

You didn't?

No.

Why not?

I don't know

You don't know?

No, I don't

Why not?

Because I don't

Why not?

Because it was a dream and one doesn't remember ones dreams when one wakes up...

Whats the purpose of the dream then?

Dream has no purpose.........

Not true

Dreams have incredible purpose, dreams are trying to tell you something, something very important

Maybe, but one doesn't remember what that purpose was....

That sounds like your life..............

Who are you?

Whoa re you?  You asks so many questions. its not a court and you are not a prosecutor...

How do you know?

What?

That I am not a prosecutor...

Why would you be?

Weren't you suppose to go to a court in your dream?

Yes, some one suggested that....

What did he say,
He said, cancel your flight and come to the court with me....

And why was he going to the court?

I don't know, maybe to watch Al getting prosecuted for robbing the bank....

So who was he going to be prosecuted by?

Prosecutor ...I guess

See, so prosecutors exist....

Yes, but in the court only

How do you know that you are not in a court

But I am not.....

How do you know?

I know

How?

I don't know

So you don't know if you are ina  court or not?

Why should I be in a court?  I haven't stolen anything....

That doesn't matter, many people are in courts even if they have not stolen anything...

They must have murdered some one then?

Why would I murder some one?  I don't have an enemy

How do you know?

No body told me....

Enemies don't tell you...........

And why would I murder an enemy?

Thats what enemies are for, to be murdered and thean the murdered is questioned by a prosecutor

You are scaring me...

Thats my purpose, I am a prosecutor

But I am not a murderer, nor am I in a court.....

How do you know?

Because I am wide awake

Are you?

Yes

Are you awake?  Wide awake?

Yes......

You couldn't be....

Why not?

Because you are having a night mare and I am your night mare.....

You are being tried for a murder..............

Scream....a very loud scream..................

DARK CHARCOAL

DARK CHARCOAL

As if some one bought three big rooms which were painted with dark charcoal

Just like dark chocolate

There were figures representing the living and the dead

Most of the time the paintings when they are finished are of the past or become your past

And most of one's past carries death

The word death seems ,"MORBID"  and maybe it is but why?

Why the denial?

Even if its morbid why should it scare us?

I have heard by some prophet that one should always remember one's death....

Because then and only then one will remember to be kind, generous, empathetic and grateful

Why get up so late in tink so?hthe afternoon and miss all the sunshine?

One day one is not going to wake up and encounter eternal darkness

Don't you think so?

So a few hours sleep should be enough

Don't you think so?

why say every day, "OH1 I SHOULD WAKE UP EARLY AND GO FOR A WALK?"

AND NEVER DO IT

Why should one say every day that,''I SHOULD GO TO BED EARLY AND NEVER DO IT?"

DESTRUCTION is it?

Yes and yes again and yes again

Don't say it and don't regret it

AND IF YOU SAY IT AND REGRET IT THEN WHY NOT E CHANGE IT?

HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

EVERY MORNING THE SAME THING.....

EVERY EVENING THE SAME THING..........

HOW SAD

HOW SAD

I KNOW YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT

YES YOU ARE

I KNOW IT

I KNOW YOU..................

CENTER

CENTER

The world is a detention center.

Might as well make it interesting to survive

In your case surround yourself with art.

There is no other choice

Create as much art as you can

Your hope is in that very talent.

Just to create and not worry about the rest

Every one is in a detention center

And most of them don't even have the talent to create at all

See, how lucky you are.

Its better if one translate one's suffering into creativity.

You must make plays or novels or poems or sonnets out your thoughts, out of your writing,

 your comments,  your not into some kind of substantial formate, give a title to everything.  Titles are

of utmost importance.

Give titles to your suffering...

Its all suffering any way...

And its all yours....

If not put into some kind of creative activity

It will hurt you

And its hurting you already.

Because like every one else you are in a detention center till you die and to

Pass the time in a progressive forward moving fashion is far better than  being static.

And being static is death without being actually dead.

Don't try to get out of the detention center.

Its impossible

Its the punishment of life

People who achieve and are slightly happier than you are moving forward

by still staying in the detention center.

You got it?

No, you didn't....

See the problem!

This kind of fantasy of being free, totally free and happy first and then achieve

is madness.....

Nothing but madness...

What else can it be?

Basic, dangerous, stupid, mistaken madness made by the sane person.

What were you thinking?

Not thinking at all

That is the madness.

No memory of anything I loved

Or too much memory of everything I loved

In both cases its madness in its pure form.

One day no memory of IBSA, (In babylon souls alone}

One day too much memory of IBSA

Today no memory of IBSA

Maybe IBSA never existed ...

Neither perhaps Babylon...

It was perhaps all in my thoughts

And now all thoughts have come to an end.

So does IBSA in Babylon

And INSA, {In NJ souls alone}

IBSA AND INSA were two of my sisters

One born in Babylon

And the other in NJ

But perhaps that is not true

Perhaps no one was born n Babylon

PERHAPS BABYLON DID NOT EXIST....

Only in your thoughts every thing does exist

Only in your thoughts....

Nothing exists otherwise...

SO PUT EVERYTHING WHICH IS IN YOUR THOUGHTS ON A PIECE OF PAPER

BUY LOTS OF PAPERS AND PUT ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ON THEM

LIKE PAINTINGS, LIKE DRAWINGS, LIKE IMPRESSIONS... ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER

But other people are putting their thoughts on APPLE MAC BOOK PRO.....

No they are not.  They are only texting about some kind sexual contact they had last night

and those kinds of thoughts never a work of art makes.............

Take an action within your confinement, write a prisoner's diary like GENET..................

BLACK AND BLUE

BLACK AND BLUE

HER NAME WAS BLACK AND BLUE
WHY DID HER PARENTS NAMED HER, "BLACK AND BLUE?"
TtHATS ANY BODY'S GUESS.

But thats how it started
Her story

All her life she wanted to know the meaning of her name
And that was the first problem
Problem of never being settled any where...

She wasn't even black
She was may be blue
Blue not in color but in her moods
She loved black

Always wore black clothes
Loved dark complexion
Love the night time
Stayed awake like Dracula
Became more energetic..AS THE EVENING GREW INTO DARKNESS
SHE WAS ALWAYS DIEING TO LIGHT A CANDLE

Loved candle lit places
Love the gold coming out of the flame of the candle
Wanted to be like the shade of the candle light
Golden, smoky,exciting, flickering, exotic

And black represented all that
And she liked it
So it was not because her name was Black and Blue that she was an outsider
It was only her question, "WHY?"

And,"WHAT?"

What were her folks thinking when they named her, Black and blue
Actually she loved the blue shades of things as well.
The moon, the blue light before the dark came
She loved black race
She thought no one and for sure no one had the humor of black people, their,
struggle, like her own.....

struggle is the pain.....like she has....
The pain is life
One can not deny it
One can mingle the pain with little joy once in a while
But can't assume that the rest of the life will be just so soft and fluffy like
Feathers fulled pillow.....

And thats what Black and blue hasn't been able to do with herself
She has forgotten to add the spice of joy with her blueness and her blackness of her constant black moods.......