BLEAK FEELING

This bleek feeling of nothingness and emptiness creeps in my soul
the moment I land at Kennedy airport or any airport bringing me to NYC.
I have tried and tried very hard to find out what it is?
But have never been able to find a clue.
This is where I live
This is where I have lived for so long
What is it?
I have no idea...

Is it the apt?
Is it lack of employment?
Is it the sense of waste of no accomplishment?
Is it the feeling where I came when I left for good?
Without knowing that I was leaving my home for good?
Here I instantly become depressed and sad
Here I can't sleep
Here I feel disappointed
Here I feel no future
Here I feel I am nothing
Here I feel I have no purpose in life
Here I feel like I made all wrong moves
Here I have no friends

Evenings come with a load of heaviness in my heart
Here I feel like crying
Here I have no conversations with any one
Every one is working...
Or everyone is busy doing some thing
Cleaning or cooking or laundry
or theater or opera or performance art...

My evenings feel empty
My mornings feel empty
My afternoons feel empty

But only here in NY
 I feel this way
But I live here
Every where else I am on holiday
I feel this way only here
Maybe I should say I am here on a holiday
Maybe I should  not take Manhattan so seriously
Maybe I should not take myself so seriously either
Maybe I should not feel the permanence of my stay here
Maybe I should feel its all temporary
Like a holiday ends
This holiday should be temporary
So ONe enjoys the temporary holidays by going to the museum or a gallery or statue of liberty
May be I should go to statue of liberty every day to remind myself that I am free
and be happy every day for the sake of that liberty which the statue promises...
Maybe I should feel that I do not live here
Maybe I should feel that I don't need work
Maybe I should feel that I will go away soon
Soon, somewhere where I will live with the sense of belonging....................