FEAR OF THE FOREIGNER

I hate this guy constantly looking at me
I don't care what anyone else says but I hate this guy
Every time I look up from my book, I find him staring at me
And the stare is not of any warmth or kindness or admiration.

The ,"Look" is scary, a dangerous kind of a look.
He is up to something
It's a dangerous kind of a look.
He is up to something
Its an un-comfortable look
Not for him but for me, the un-comfort, I mean.
It's a kind of a look which says, "I am going to get you bitch."
No I am not paranoid But I should be
Every time I look up from my book, he is looking at me
Why is he looking at me?
It's not my necklace he is admiring
Thats for sure
He is not a necklace kind of a guy
The aesthetic of the necklace escapes him
He has a different kind of a look
A look one can't describe
At least I can't
But I know something about danger and dangerous kind of people.
He for sure doesn't like me
Doesn't like my look
Not familiar with my look
Kind of an un-known look
The distant, unknowable fear creating look
Not like him
No I am not like him
No, I don't look like him
And he doesn't like that
He likes people who look like him
He is comfortable in the cafe with people who look like him
And people who look like me don't go to this particular cafe
It's kind of expansive
The Pannini used to be $9 and now its $11
He is eating one
I am not...

He is still looking at me
I find his constant look dangerous
He is eating slowly
Thats an unlikely habit for a progressive person
Maybe he is not progressive
But he is always on his laptop
Only progressive people are always on their laptop, I pad, I pod, smart phone
I am not progressive
I am not on any pod, or pad or laptop
Maybe thats why he is looking at me
He is thinking, "What is this strange looking person doing in a progressive
neighborhood with one million dollar worth of condos and without a laptop
and without a panini...
Oh! god when will his panini finish?
And the sandwich is kind of European style
Smaller than the heaping American sandwich  where tuna in between the slices of soggy bread
keep falling all over your clean shirt and all that mayonaise dripping, dripping, dripping...
I have stopped wearing clean shirts...
Maybe thats why he is staring at me because of my clean shirt
But at this point my t shirt is not filthy yet...
I don't have 11 $ for the sandwich...
But clean shirts get dirty the moment you take your first bite in a diner
but people in diners finish their mounting sandwiches in two gulps so nothing falls on their shirts
Everything falls inside their stomachs...
And he is still sitting on his sophisticated panini...

He has a reason to eat slowly so that he can keep staring at me a bit longer.
He doesn't like me
Thats obvious
So why say something so obvious?
He doesn't like you
Every one got that
What do you think?
People listing to me are idiots?
No they are not
They know that this man doesn't like me
Why?
Why? you ask
Why? you ask...
Are you from here?
No
So?
So what?
He doesn't like foreigners
The city is full of foreigners
He doesn't like them...

Not used to them
No, he is not...
His hatred comes from something called, Fear"
He is afraid of me?
No
So?
So, he doesn't like threatening things
I am threatning?
For him you are
I am a threat sitting in the cafe reading a book
Yes
Why?
You are too calm
You are in a cafe
You are reading a book
You should be cleaning some one's toilets
Me?
Cleaning toilets?
Yes
Why?
You look foreign
I am
So
So what?
You don't have the luxury to sit in a fancy cafe and read Camus
Maybe he doesn't like Camus
No, thats not it, he doesn't know Camus, he just is not comfortable with you being here in the same space with him...

Now you are paranoid
I knew you will call me paranoid but you are so simplistic
I am not simplistic, I am reading Camus
You are.  You are simplistic about other things, about life, about the rights of a foreigner, about
space, about white and black, about strangeness, about traditions, about values, about danger people present to others psyche for whatever reason, you are naive about all those things...

In life you can't just  be smart because you read a book or two, you have to know people, you have to know the history, politics, religions, people's fears of the un-known, fear of things which look different than themselves, of people who think differently, speak differently, dress differently, people have to become a mass, a whole mass of sameness to make others comfortable...after all you are in his country, you have to behave like him, look like him, eat like him, have a laptop, don't read Camus, be on a lap top...

Oh! my god, I almost said nothing to you and you just gave me a fucking lecture...
I am trying to help you deal with people like they deal with you.
Have a laptop, buy a panini and stare at him...he will stop, because you will become one of them, no more fear of you ant more you need to go deeper onto the darker depths of people who might not like you for whatever reason and even kill you for that.

People who have genuine reason for ,"Fear" in today's free world.
Free world wants every one to be exactly alike and you are so different and daring, sitting in a cafe without a laptop and spending fifty dollars and looking like a fucking foreigner...

How dare you?
How dare you create fear in people's heart?
He is afraid for his life
He has fear of your presence
Thats why he is staring at you because you have no right to be here in this cafe and he wants you to get the hell out...
Thats why he is staring at you because he is afraid of you.
Me?
Yes
Why?
Arn't you a foreigner?
So?
Please, don't be so simplistic, after all you are reading Camus.

NO MORE OF THIS, NO MORE OF THAT

NO MORE OF THIS, NO MORE OF THAT

That remains to be seen
But I will try

No more talking
No more complaining
No more helping
No more discussing
No more interference
No more consulting
No more speechifying

No more interest
No more help
No more concern
No more telling of this and that
No more of what to do?
No more of when to do it?
No more of doing anything
No more of not doing anything

No more of ,"Oh! what happened?"
No more of,"OH! what's the reason?"
No more of that
No.
No more of that
No. No more of anything
No more expression
No more of sorrow
No more of sadness
No more of loneliness
No. NO more complain of that
No. No more of that

No more of communication
No more of lack of communication
No more of anything important
No more of anything substantial
No more of nothingness
No more of fighting for equality
No more of fighting for anything

No more of aggression
No more of frustration
No more of hate
No more of anger
No more complain of mice
No more talk of dirt
No more talk of dust
No more expectation of companionship
No. No more of that

No more of the memory of past
No talk of future
No. No more of that
No. No more of that evil
No more of the present
No. No more of that
No more of trouble
No. No more of that
No more of happiness
No, No more of that
No more of joy
No more of laughter
No more of companionship
No. No more of that

No more of money
NP. No more of that
No more of the lack of money
No. No more of that
No more of the family
No more of the good old days
No. No more of that
No more of siblings
No. No more of that
No more of love
No. No more of that
No more of desire
No. No more of that
No more of ambition
No more of a profession
No more of company
No more of conversation
No. No more of that
No more of anything
No. no more of anything……………
No more
No more
No more
No more of anything so silly such as happiness
No. no more of that

No more of this
No no more of that…………………….

AN ABSOLUTE MESS

AN ABSOLUTE MESS

KARIMA ULLAH' MESSED UP LIFE

KARIMA ULLAH:

I fucked up my life
I fucked up completely, absolutely and completely.
I am responsible for the fuck up.
No one else is to be blamed

But the most difficult problem to handle right now is that...
I am still fucking up the remaining days of my life.
And believe it or not,
thats really bothering me because now I am 100% aware that I am fucking up
my remaining life and thats what's so immensely disturbing.

Before (Earlier) in my life I didn't know.
I wasn't aware that I was fucking up so it didn't bother me.
But now I am so conscious of the fuck ups(and still can't stop)
Thats the real tragedy which perhaps will be the source of ultimate breakdown.

But the matter of fact statement is (That as sure as I am of my birth)
I am so certain 100% positive that I did fuck up ...My entire life.

My life is fucked up.
My life is fucked up and I did it.
I fucked it all up.
I did it.
I fucked up my life
And now my life is absolutely and completely fucked up.
My life is fucked up.
And thats all I have to say.

Since its totally fucked up (My life I mean)
I should now relax and don't give a fuck.
Why must Karima Ullah give a fuck about a totally fucked up life?
And on top of it that its she (Karima Ullah) who did it herself.
Its her (me) who fucked it all up (My life I mean)
But since I am still fucking it up (My life ) I mean
I can't stop having nervous break downs.
So should you (I mean me)
I should
I should have a million mile long nervous breakdowns because it was my life
Don't they tell you that life is so precious blah...blah..blah..blah
And I , me, Karima Ullah fucked it all up
So why should I not have huge, enormous, complete nervous breakdowns?
Why do I need the permission of absolutely normal people to have my nervous breakdown?
My nervous breakdown which I earned after such a long and hard life which I
(Karima Ullah ) totally fucked up by her own hand

Fucked it all up...smashed like a moreno glass tray from Venice which I payed a fortune for
and then smashed it
Can you see the sanity of the choice?
No way.
Sane people only see sane choices, they recognize them because they make them.
Choices such as, {I am going to hustle and get ahead, no matter what"
I mean thats what hustle means...No matter what...
is the hustle.
Otherwise a person will say, "I am going to get ahead."
Nothing else but when, "NO matter what" is added to it...
That means,"Hustle."

Fucked up people don't know that.
Thats why they keep fucking up their entire life.
Only normal, sane people quietly say to themselves.,
"I am going to make it, no matter what."
"I am going to make it and I am going to fuck every one else up on the way."

But fucked up people like me (Karima Ullah ) say, "
I am going to get ahead and fuck up my life."

They don't say, "Hey, wait a minute, I am going to fuck you up and get ahead."
They say, "Hey, you know what, you go get ahead because I am so busy fucking it up."
"Fucking up my life" I mean.
Yes, thats what Karima means and thats what Karima Ullah did.
Karima Ullah fucked up her life and she is still doing it...................................