Wednesday, November 2, 2011

INCREDIBLE SENSE OF SADNESS AND PARALYSIS OF WILL TO TAKE A LONG JOURNEY
BACK HOME

Oh! yes.
Feel so disoriented
So bewildered
Can't make a decision about anything
I mean anything
Going?
Not going?
Where?
Don't know
Cold countries
Snow
Slush
Sleet
Rain
No
Can't go there
Somewhere else?
Don't know

The day pass
The evening pass
The next day pass
The next evening pass
Going?
Not going?
Where?

Where to stay?
Hotel?
Bed and breakfast?
Friend's house?
The other friend's house?
The cats
No cats
Three day maximum limit

Going?
Not going?
Where to stop?

Bed and breakfast?
Pounds?
Double the dollar

Buy new pants?
Buy a winter jacket?
New shoes?
New sweater?
New hat?
Cold countries
Rain
Slush
Snow
Sleet

Going?
Not going?

Don't stop anywhere
Go directly
A long flight
A long long flight
Want to break the journey
Where?

Friend's place
The one with the cats?
Or
The one with three day stay limit?
So tiring
So tiring everything

Shopping?
So tiring...
No winter jacket?
Can't go without the winter jacket
Can't go with good solid pair of shoes
Sneakers to jog
Jog where?

Going?
Not going?

Go directly
Long flight
A long flight
Long, long flight...

Where to stay once the long, long never ending flight ends?
Brother's place?
Sister's place?
But the brother not well
But the sister not there

Where to stay?
Bother the not so well brother?
That's not nice
But where to stay?
Go when the sister comes back
But thats so late

Leave him alone?
He is not so very well either
Leave him alone?
For how long?
How long to stay?
Stay in sister's house?
Or the brother's house?
Brother not feeling well...

Leave the husband alone?
Husband not feeling completely well either
How long to leave him alone?
A month?
Too short a trip to go so far
So far...
Far, far away...........
Far,far away...
So long a flight
Two months?
Too long
Too, too long...
Too long to stay at the sister's house
Far too long to stay at the brother's house
The brother not so well...

Which house to stay?
Which house to stay when you are back home?
Back home?
Yes, back home...
I don't have a house there
House there of my own

Which house to stay when you are there?
Sister's house?
Or brother's house?
Brother not so well...

Don't go
Have to go
Brother not so well...

Stay in a hotel
Hotel?
Not possible
Not possible at all
We don't stay in a hotel when we go back home
But you said, you don't have a home there?

I didn't say that
I said, "I don't have my own house back home"
Thats what I said...

Its still my home
But I don't have a house there
House of my own back home...

What about the memories once you are settled some where...
Somewhere?
Yes, your brother's house?
Or your sister's house?
Sister not there right now
Brother not so well...

But finally when you decide...
Decide?
Decide where to stay...

Its not up to me
I have no choice

Sister;s house
Or
The brother's house

Sister not there
Brother not so well...

All hard choices
All difficult choices
All emotionally difficult choices...

But you have to make one
Some kind of choice has to be made

Don't go
Not possible
Brother not so well
Have to see him...

And the memories?
What memories?
The memories of your home...

The memories of my home?
Yes.
I don't understand

The memories, once you are back home
Your memories of your childhood, brothers and sisters, mother and father
Your own house, your mother and father's house, your house, where you were
born, the love, the youth, the food, the warm weather, the mangoes, the dream,
the ambition, the drive, the laughter, the singing, the friends, the neighbors...

What about all those memories once you are back home?
I don't want to go
Can't handle it
I have to go
Brother not so well
Have to go...

Then get up and go get a winter jacket in case you break your journey
in a cold country...
Snow, slush, rain, sleet...
And a good solid pair of shoes
And a sweater
And gloves
And a hat...

Get up and go buy those things

Haven't been able to get up and go shopping
Haven't been able to do anything...
Will to do nothing under all the emotions...
Emotions
Emotions
Present
past
is
Gone...

If I don't buy a good solid pair of shoes
I won't go any where...
Then why am I not buying the shoes?
Can't get up and go shopping...

Going?
Or
Not Going?

Have to go
Brother not so well...

Long flight
Long, long flight
Break the journey
Where to stay in a foreign country?
With the friend
The one with cats?
Or
The one who can accommodate you only for three days?
Three days is better than nothing....................
Then I will have to buy a winter jacket and a hat and a sweater............

London will be cold
Stop somewhere else
Where?

Take a durect flight
Long flight
So long a flight
Don't go
Have to go
Brother not so well...
Then go
Where to stay?
At your brother's house
Brother not so well
So you go take care of him...
You are going for him right?
Right
So go stay with him and take care of him
So sad to see him sick...

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