PHILOSOPHY OF THE TRAMPS

A PLAY

BY BINA SHARIF

copyright:binasharif

PLACE: TAKES PLACE IN THE BASEMENT OF A CHURCH DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN

TIME: PRESENT

CHARACTERS: MISS,  A VAGABOND, THE TRAMP/HOMLESS

IRVING:  VAGABOND/ TRAMP/ HOMELESS

( VARIOUS MEN AND WOMEN WHO THINK THEY ARE NTELLECTUAL PHILOSOPHER, ARTIST, PRIEST, THERAPIST BUT ARE ALSO VAGABONDS AND MEMBERS OF ALCOHOL ANONYMOUS WHO HAVE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN HIDING THEIR DRINKS IN TEA CUPS.)

SET: THE STAGE IS DIVIDED IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS. ONE FOR MISSY AND IRVING,

THE OBVIOUS VAGABONDS AND THE OTHER SIDE FOR THE UN-OBVIOUS,

CLEAN SHAVEN VAGABONDS WITH BRIEF CASES POSING AS ,"INTELLECTUALS"

LIGHTING: MISSY AND IRVING'S AREA SHOULD BE LIT IN AMBER,VIOLET, RED, BLUE AND YELLOW DREAMY LIGHTS.

THE INTELLECTUALS ARE SITTING AROUND A BIG TABLE COVERED WITH NICE WHITE TABLE CLOTH AND FLOWERS AND TEA CUPS.

THERE IS A BIG CROSS HANGING FROM THE CENTER WALL.

PROPS: A BIG TABLE. (STAGE LEFT)

SIX CHAIRS

FLOWERS

TEA CUPS

A SOFA WITH A CRUMPLED COVER, BLUISH PURPLE. (STAGE RIGHT)

A LITTLE TORN RUG IN-FRONT OF THE SOFA

A LIT CANDLE ON A LITTLE SIDE TABLE.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Missy is sitting on the sofa, Irving is pacing back and forth trying to find a bathroom.

IRVING: I am going to kill myself today.

MISSY: (Doesn't seem to hear him and is filing her nails)

IRVING: I am going to kill myself today

MISSY: How?

IRVING: I am going to hang myself

MISSY: Do you have a rope?

IRVING: I am looking for the rope

MISSY: I thought you were looking for the bathroom

IRVING: The rope is in the bath room

MISSY: What is the rope doing in the bathroom?

IRVING: Waiting for me to hang myself

MISSY: How did the rope get there?

IRVING: I put it there

MISSY: Where did you get the rope from?

IRVING: From outside

MISSY: From outside?

IRVING: Yes, from outside...

MISSY: You went outside?

IRVING: Yes I went outside

MISSY: When?

IRVING: When you were sleeping

MISSY: But I wasn't sleeping...

IRVING; You were...

MISSY: I wasn't....

IRVING: You were and I went out while you were and got the rope from outside and hid it

in the bathroom to use it later.

MISSY: I wasn't sleeping and you never went outside and you never got the rope and you

didn't hide it in the bathroom....

IRVING: I did all that while you were asleep

MISSY: I wasn't asleep. I am never asleep. I don't sleep. I am an insomniac. I wander

around at night, all night, looking for the bath room and I never find a bathroom

because there is no bathroom here and since there is no bathroom here there can't

be any rope in there because you don't have a rope which you got from outside

because you never went outside and you didn't hide a rope inside the bathroom

because you don't have a rope to hide inside a bathroom which does not exist.

Nothing exist. Even we don't exist. We don't. Go ask them (Point to the other side

of stage) They don't see us. Because we don't exist. We imagine that we exist

but we don't,  just like the rope and the bath room. Nothing exist. So you can't get

rid of something which doesn't exist. Since you don't exist, you can't get rid of your

self. So you are stuck. You can't hang an Imaginary person with an imaginary rope

in an imaginary bathroom. Its not a play where you can imagine whatever you want

and act it out and the audience will believe you. Its real life in which you and me don't

exist. So calm down. Come, sit, relax, have some tea.......

(Irving paces back and forth....missy gets up, lifts some weights,, sits again.)

Lights up on the table stage left and we see the Clean shaven intellectuals, a

philosopher, a priest, a therapist sitting and drinking tea from the tea cups .)

MISSY: Relax. You are not hanged yet. Come, join me. Come over and have some tea.

IRVING: (comes towards her....still standing, looks here and there) Where is the tea?

MISSY: Where ever you want it to be....

IRVING: What do you mean?

MISSY: Listen, Irving, You don't have much choice. Either drink your tea from your

imaginary tea cup like in a play or go over to the other side and take one of their

real tea cup filled with real tea and enjoy your life and soon you will forget about

killing yourself. I am sure their tea is nice and strong and hot. Go get some. Its

easier than hanging yourself with the rope that you don't have.

(Looks at the others at the table) Look how clean they look. Look at their

pin striped shirts and ties and combed hair with perfumed gel in it...look how

calmly they are sitting and sipping tea and not talking...Not talking at all.

They must be civilized. Do you know the word, "CIVILIZED?" Some one told

me once that,"CIVILIZED" people don't talk much. They just sit quietly and sip....

they just sip whatever they are sipping. They sip quietly because they are "Civilized"

I talk too much. I must not be ,"VERY CIVILIZED." Every one tells me that I talk

too much. But why does it bother me or any one else? I talk...So what? I am not disturbing any one,

Am I? I am sure I am not disturbing any one. There is no one here. Not on our side

of the room any way and those others (points at the others) those others, they are

too busy, too busy and too calm to notice us....If they notice us...Their tea time

will be ruined. Especially if they notice us. Some one called me a tramp once. But

I don't think that I am a tramp. (To Irving) Do you think that I am a tramp? If I am

a tramp than you can be a tramp too....Right Irving?

I don't think that I am a tramp. Doesn't tramp means a. "PROSTITUTE?"

And I am not a prostitute, God forbid...I am not one. Because If I was one I would

be sitting in the lap of a republican Governer in a pent house and not in this cold

freezing basement of this downtrodden church. I like the word, "TRAMP" I often

use it in my intellectual pursuits ...but I really don't know its exact meaning.

Things mean different to different people you know. To me the tramp means, the

one who is good looking, sexy of course for the lady tramp. fashionable, unique,

original with her own style, knowledgeable, intellectual with the knowledge of

philosophy, science, arts, politics, without ever having a job of any kind or a home

of any sort and the one who talks a lot, (Laughs and can't stop laughing ) a lot and

laughs a lot, (laughs some more ) and makes people angry and pissed and one more

thing...She, a lady tramp must wear torn fishnets with holes here and there and some

glitter in her hair to make her forget that she is hiding herself in a church basement

with no heat and no fire place and no tea,

Irving, tell me, was that the right definition of a tramp ? For me that's a tramp.

But I could be wrong. I am told most of the time that I am wrong. Or I don't really

know what I am talking about. Maybe I don't. Because of my English. Its not like

you Irving....English is my second language or maybe its my third language or my

fourth language, I don't know. But I do know that its not my first language that's why

I don't really know the exact meaning of a tramp...but Do I care? No, I don't.

If I want to use the word, "TRAMP " I will for use it, even for me and for you.

As far as I am concerned, I am a tramp and a proud tramp and so are you. You are

also a tramp but not very Proud, I guess. Proud people don't hang themselves.

Especially when English is their first language. Irving tell me, you were born here, 

right? You were born here and thus English is your first language. So how come

with these two blessings you don't have a home of your own? How come?

( Looks at the others ) They must have a home. I am sure of that. They must have

a home and wives and children. They are so clean. They must have a shower.

That's for sure. They do have a shower. (To Irving ) Why don't you go to the other

side and use their shower and get cleaned and than sit with them and have tea ?

I think you should do that...Than you won't think of killing yourself and I won't

lose my one and only friend. Do you want to do that? Do you want to do that?

(Irving doesn't answer. He paces back and forth ) I understand. That will be too

much for you. Too much, too much quick change in life. That can give some one

so emotionally fragile like you a sudden shock. I understand. So, Do you want

me to go over there and," Test the waters." as they say ? Should I go and bring you

 some of their lukewarm tea so you could live and, and touch my nose.

IRVING:

What's so special about your nose that to just touch it I would need to postpone

my death by hanging? "Touch my nose and live." She says. Have you ever looked at your nose

in the mirror?

MISSY

I don't have a mirror, but I know that my nose is not so handsome. But you can live and touch my lips.

 Touch my lips Irving....Touch my lips. Its better than hanging yourself with the rope

which doesn't exist. We should take advantage of what exists instead of looking for non existent items to

 end your so called," unhappiness" Everything transforms with a tender human touch.

IRVING

And non existent tea turns into non existent whisky and a non existing apartment turns into a villa and a

 non existent fire place into a huge bank account in a Swiss bank and,

MISSY; (interrupts him)

That reminds me that I have to go to the bank before they close.

IRVING

You have a bank to go to?

MISSY

Yes, and I have a bank account in that bank like all civilized citizens of a civilized society and I am

 going to take all the money out of the bank so we can go on a holiday....

IRVING

You are going on a holiday?

MISSY

Yes, with you

IRVING

With me?

MISSY

Yes Irving, yes.

IRVING

And where are you going for your holiday, to the bathroom?

MISSY

yes, Irving, yes. I am going to the bathroom with you

Where ever you want, Irving, where ever you want, I will go with you.

IRVING

I am going to the bathroom.... to hang myself

MISSY

Yes, if you are determined then I will hang myself too in the bathroom.

IRVING

With the same rope?

MISSY

Yes Irving, with the same rope

IRVING

I hope the rope is big enough for both of us

MISSY

In that case instead of hanging yourself in the bathroom, just go and piss in there or don't even

bother to go there at all.

You can piss right here in front of the Lord. This is the house of

The lord and he won't mind if you piss right here to relieve yourself. 

 After all pissing is an act of nature which can't be avoided. The Lord will understand.

IRVING

I am not going to the bathroom to take a piss out of me. I am going to the bathroom to hang myself. 

 The piss will take care of itself after the hanging and since you want to do the same,

share my rope and my bathroom for your hanging,  you don't need money to do that.

You don't have to go to the bank and stand in line like a beggar for your own money.

Just hang yourself for free. You only need money to live, not to die.

MISSY

Yes you do. Death is very pricey. 

 So why would you like me to spend all my life's savings on death?

 Why not on life?

IRVING

But it was your idea to get all your money out of the bank

MISSY

Yes, but for a real holiday with you. 

 I would die with you if you don't give up on your original idea. 

 I know you are very strong and I will accompany you anywhere,

 but why don't we live a little bit before we kill ourselves? 

Lets go to the other side and join the clean people for some high tea?

IRVING

To join the clean people for high tea, you have to have a high wardrobe.

MISSY

I have enough money in the bank to buy some glamour clothes for tea and for lunch and for dinner...

What do you say Irving? What do you say?

IRVING

I don't want to hang myself in Armani suit.

MISSY

But you are not going to hang yourself after the high tea? 

 All those scones and fresh home made cream and delicious jams.

IRVING

Yes I will. yes I will.

 I always do what I say. 

 I am a man of character and men of character always keep true to their word.

MISSY

Ok Irving. Ok. 

 I will save your rags and after the tea you can change into them before

you go to the invisible bathroom to hang your self with the invisible rope.

IRVING

That's a deal. 

How come you don't see the bathroom?

You keep saying, "The invisible bathroom."

 Its amazing, no one see the bathroom and the rope except me. No one...

It's right there on the other side.

You think all thise fancy people in their Gucci suits drinking tons of tea don't need to piss?

There is a bathroom there and I am going to hang myself in that very bathroom

and you said, you will join me...

Didn't you say that Missy? (He shouts) didn't you say vthat?

You are not a lier, are you?

I can not be with a lier, you know that. Don't you Missy, don't you? 

Atramp and a lier on top that...

(She hugs him)

MISSY:

I am not a lier Irving, I am not and you know that.

I am only a tramp but I am an honest tramp.

If you do find a bathroom on the other side of this god forsaken church

and you are determoned to hang yourself...I will hang myself with you, rope or no rope...

lights fade

END OF ACT ONE