INCREDIBLY MESSED UP LIFE OF KARIMA ULLAH CONTINUES

CHAPTER TWO

"So I insisted that people, other people must be treated in a respectful manner.

I thought if we treated them nice they will treat us with grace.

Because my mama told me, "Child, no matter how evil people are, they are still human and human can make mistakes, so you need to treat them like natural born human beings and not animals."

And I would ask mama, "Mama, even if I treat them kindly, gracefully, with great respect and they still treat me poorly, disregard me, disrespect me, what then?"

And mama would say," Don't worry.  You will be rewarded in your next life."

'My next life mama?  My next life?  What next life?  And what about this present life ?"

And mama would say,"THis present life is temporary.  Its transient.  You are just passing through."

'And what about other people? mama?"

"What about other people?"

'The people we have to treat nice all our lives at the expense of our own self sacrifices and self

abasement."

And mama would say, "God will take care of you in heaven.  God is aware that you have been kind to others.  Its not being wasted.  God will reward you."

"I want to be rewarded here and now. I am a little girl like all the rest.  I want my toys also instead of always giving it to others.  Always thinking of the other.  Always treating others.  Always thinking of
the, "OTHER"  Who is that other that you are training us for to sacrifice our lives for.
What have they done for us that we must go through this kind of humiliation to abuse our selves
and never ever take care of ourselves with this Unseen, unknown promise of this  Un present god who will after our deaths will reward us.  We are young.  We were just born the other day.  Now we must already think of our deaths.  Why mama? why?"

But of course I won't dare say that to my mother.  Of course I won't dare hurt her feelings because I loved my mama more than anything on this earth and beyond.  My mama was the kindest, nicest, loving, caring person on this planet of other nasty human beings.  Of course I didn't know how nasty other human beings were till they completely damaged my entire life but actually it was because of the martyrdom of our religious, god fearing, self sacrificing mother who put every one above her and never took care of her self and never taught her children that they come first.
She never told us that this world is vicious and its a jungle and other aggressive animals will all eat us up alive and they did because we were not watching over ourselves and no one else was watching over us. From the very early age we gave up upon us.  We never knew that if we let go of our lives, lives will go away and never come back....Never come back.  Lives are like jilted lovers who have been hurt because of the ill treatment , of the unjust treatment of their love, their kindness and the hurt they accumulated in their hearts because we were so busy insulting them like we insulted our own lives.  We always preferred  others, we always thought that the others were better than us, smarter than us, richer than us, more cosmopolitan than us.  We always thought that others were better equipped to succeed.  Others had a golden secret of success and we forgot all along that it was actually us, us who were smarter than others, kinder than others, more sophisticated than others, more educated, more handsome,
more talented, more giving, more affectionate, more well read, more knowledgeable  than all the others in our lives.

But we gave away everything we had to that, "OTHER"
Our knowledge, our education, our time, our love, our kindness, our spirit, our youth, our career,
our wealth......
We just gave it away.  For one reason or the other.  We threw it away with our own hands .
We threw away all our talent, all our knowledge, our golden, secret key to success to the undeserving, unkind, uncaring,  selfish, evil other and they took it with open hands.
Actually we threw everything we had into the others lap.
I guess we must be victims.
We must be.
Thats the modern definition of people like us.

"VICTIM"  A bad word in the West.  A very bad word in the Western culture where eventually all of us martyrs ended up.  But we never knew the meaning of that word when we were growing up.  We were just god fearing children of god fearing parents who never moved to the West and in our culture the victimhood is considered a moral value, a good thing, a pious thing, a great test of human goodness.  At least thats what it meant to us but trust me there were many in our culture who understood the meaning of such a word as, "VICTIM"
They had lived in the West.  They were cleverer than us.
The taker is always more clever than the giver.
They took, we gave.
Now we have nothing to give ourselves.  We have nothing left for us.  Now we hate our selves.
We hate our selves and we hate that, "OTHER."
But we certainly hate ourselves more for allowing that,"OTHER" to ruin our lives.
My life has been completely ruined by that, Invisible, that unseen, that user, abuser, selfish
"OTHER"  who never really forced me to do anything for him or her except in a subtle way took advantage of my naivete, my provincialism, my kind heart, my generosity of the spirit and my fear of god and what ever was falsely promised to us by the spirit of my parents especially my mother.
My mother is now gone to the other world where perhaps paradise was promised to her and where perhaps she is in that paradise finally, but not me.  I am still living and I am still trying to figure it out how not to be such a victim martyr and its not working.  I , Karima Ullah has to undo my whole life's work to do something for me to ease my conscious for my own mistakes which I would like to say were made innocently.
But life is ruined never the less and that is my fault.  Yes it is my fault.  No matter how much I want to analyze it, no matter how much I want to figure it out.  No matter who I blame, my mother, the other, the culture, the spirit of the time passed, no matter who and no matter waht, life of Karima Ullah is ruined and this is all about that ruined life...that very precious, golden life which got ruined by this or that.
This most unimportant, "THIS" Or<"THAT" turned out to be so important.

INCREDIBLY MESSED UP LIFE OF KARIMA ULLAH

KARIMA ULLAH

CHAPTER ONE

One beautifully sunny day I ran into Karima Ullah and she told me
that her life had been ruined by,"Others"
Every thing you will read is in Karima Ullah's own words.

KARIMA ULLAH

"I am bound by unhappiness of my soul. I am bound by giving.
Giving used to give me joy but it doesn't any more but still I am bound to give.
If I don't,  it gives me tremendous sense of sadness.

I am now very much aware of the fact that I simply can't give to myself.
But I am bound by my guilt,  perhaps an assumed duty (I don't know what it is exactly)
to give to others.

That includes my time, my affection, my money, my intelligence, my love.
I had no vision of myself.
I became a sketch of myself and not very breezy sketch either, but it
had a complicated psychological texture. Texture of damage.
Like damaged children from day one.
Never recovered.
Thats how it is with some children and one of them was perhaps Karima Ullah, me.
Never knew how to deal with people.
Gave them too much importance and ourselves too little,
Always the same thing....Always the same thing....Giving,
giving, giving to the other and for myself I had only confusion, menace
and aching memory of anonymity,poverty and powerlessness and amazing loneliness.

I had no moral obligation to do nothing for myself but I kept doing it.
I did nothing for myself and the,"Others" caught on to my weakness
of self and took advantage and laughed at me...Laughed at me...Laughed at me

But I allowed it,
I allowed,"Others" to ruin my life.

FEAR OF THE FOREIGNER

I hate this guy constantly looking at me
I don't care what anyone else says but I hate this guy
Every time I look up from my book, I find him staring at me
And the stare is not of any warmth or kindness or admiration.

The ,"Look" is scary, a dangerous kind of a look.
He is up to something
It's a dangerous kind of a look.
He is up to something
Its an un-comfortable look
Not for him but for me, the un-comfort, I mean.
It's a kind of a look which says, "I am going to get you bitch."
No I am not paranoid But I should be
Every time I look up from my book, he is looking at me
Why is he looking at me?
It's not my necklace he is admiring
Thats for sure
He is not a necklace kind of a guy
The aesthetic of the necklace escapes him
He has a different kind of a look
A look one can't describe
At least I can't
But I know something about danger and dangerous kind of people.
He for sure doesn't like me
Doesn't like my look
Not familiar with my look
Kind of an un-known look
The distant, unknowable fear creating look
Not like him
No I am not like him
No, I don't look like him
And he doesn't like that
He likes people who look like him
He is comfortable in the cafe with people who look like him
And people who look like me don't go to this particular cafe
It's kind of expansive
The Pannini used to be $9 and now its $11
He is eating one
I am not...

He is still looking at me
I find his constant look dangerous
He is eating slowly
Thats an unlikely habit for a progressive person
Maybe he is not progressive
But he is always on his laptop
Only progressive people are always on their laptop, I pad, I pod, smart phone
I am not progressive
I am not on any pod, or pad or laptop
Maybe thats why he is looking at me
He is thinking, "What is this strange looking person doing in a progressive
neighborhood with one million dollar worth of condos and without a laptop
and without a panini...
Oh! god when will his panini finish?
And the sandwich is kind of European style
Smaller than the heaping American sandwich  where tuna in between the slices of soggy bread
keep falling all over your clean shirt and all that mayonaise dripping, dripping, dripping...
I have stopped wearing clean shirts...
Maybe thats why he is staring at me because of my clean shirt
But at this point my t shirt is not filthy yet...
I don't have 11 $ for the sandwich...
But clean shirts get dirty the moment you take your first bite in a diner
but people in diners finish their mounting sandwiches in two gulps so nothing falls on their shirts
Everything falls inside their stomachs...
And he is still sitting on his sophisticated panini...

He has a reason to eat slowly so that he can keep staring at me a bit longer.
He doesn't like me
Thats obvious
So why say something so obvious?
He doesn't like you
Every one got that
What do you think?
People listing to me are idiots?
No they are not
They know that this man doesn't like me
Why?
Why? you ask
Why? you ask...
Are you from here?
No
So?
So what?
He doesn't like foreigners
The city is full of foreigners
He doesn't like them...

Not used to them
No, he is not...
His hatred comes from something called, Fear"
He is afraid of me?
No
So?
So, he doesn't like threatening things
I am threatning?
For him you are
I am a threat sitting in the cafe reading a book
Yes
Why?
You are too calm
You are in a cafe
You are reading a book
You should be cleaning some one's toilets
Me?
Cleaning toilets?
Yes
Why?
You look foreign
I am
So
So what?
You don't have the luxury to sit in a fancy cafe and read Camus
Maybe he doesn't like Camus
No, thats not it, he doesn't know Camus, he just is not comfortable with you being here in the same space with him...

Now you are paranoid
I knew you will call me paranoid but you are so simplistic
I am not simplistic, I am reading Camus
You are.  You are simplistic about other things, about life, about the rights of a foreigner, about
space, about white and black, about strangeness, about traditions, about values, about danger people present to others psyche for whatever reason, you are naive about all those things...

In life you can't just  be smart because you read a book or two, you have to know people, you have to know the history, politics, religions, people's fears of the un-known, fear of things which look different than themselves, of people who think differently, speak differently, dress differently, people have to become a mass, a whole mass of sameness to make others comfortable...after all you are in his country, you have to behave like him, look like him, eat like him, have a laptop, don't read Camus, be on a lap top...

Oh! my god, I almost said nothing to you and you just gave me a fucking lecture...
I am trying to help you deal with people like they deal with you.
Have a laptop, buy a panini and stare at him...he will stop, because you will become one of them, no more fear of you ant more you need to go deeper onto the darker depths of people who might not like you for whatever reason and even kill you for that.

People who have genuine reason for ,"Fear" in today's free world.
Free world wants every one to be exactly alike and you are so different and daring, sitting in a cafe without a laptop and spending fifty dollars and looking like a fucking foreigner...

How dare you?
How dare you create fear in people's heart?
He is afraid for his life
He has fear of your presence
Thats why he is staring at you because you have no right to be here in this cafe and he wants you to get the hell out...
Thats why he is staring at you because he is afraid of you.
Me?
Yes
Why?
Arn't you a foreigner?
So?
Please, don't be so simplistic, after all you are reading Camus.

NO MORE OF THIS, NO MORE OF THAT

NO MORE OF THIS, NO MORE OF THAT

That remains to be seen
But I will try

No more talking
No more complaining
No more helping
No more discussing
No more interference
No more consulting
No more speechifying

No more interest
No more help
No more concern
No more telling of this and that
No more of what to do?
No more of when to do it?
No more of doing anything
No more of not doing anything

No more of ,"Oh! what happened?"
No more of,"OH! what's the reason?"
No more of that
No.
No more of that
No. No more of anything
No more expression
No more of sorrow
No more of sadness
No more of loneliness
No. NO more complain of that
No. No more of that

No more of communication
No more of lack of communication
No more of anything important
No more of anything substantial
No more of nothingness
No more of fighting for equality
No more of fighting for anything

No more of aggression
No more of frustration
No more of hate
No more of anger
No more complain of mice
No more talk of dirt
No more talk of dust
No more expectation of companionship
No. No more of that

No more of the memory of past
No talk of future
No. No more of that
No. No more of that evil
No more of the present
No. No more of that
No more of trouble
No. No more of that
No more of happiness
No, No more of that
No more of joy
No more of laughter
No more of companionship
No. No more of that

No more of money
NP. No more of that
No more of the lack of money
No. No more of that
No more of the family
No more of the good old days
No. No more of that
No more of siblings
No. No more of that
No more of love
No. No more of that
No more of desire
No. No more of that
No more of ambition
No more of a profession
No more of company
No more of conversation
No. No more of that
No more of anything
No. no more of anything……………
No more
No more
No more
No more of anything so silly such as happiness
No. no more of that

No more of this
No no more of that…………………….

AN ABSOLUTE MESS

AN ABSOLUTE MESS

KARIMA ULLAH' MESSED UP LIFE

KARIMA ULLAH:

I fucked up my life
I fucked up completely, absolutely and completely.
I am responsible for the fuck up.
No one else is to be blamed

But the most difficult problem to handle right now is that...
I am still fucking up the remaining days of my life.
And believe it or not,
thats really bothering me because now I am 100% aware that I am fucking up
my remaining life and thats what's so immensely disturbing.

Before (Earlier) in my life I didn't know.
I wasn't aware that I was fucking up so it didn't bother me.
But now I am so conscious of the fuck ups(and still can't stop)
Thats the real tragedy which perhaps will be the source of ultimate breakdown.

But the matter of fact statement is (That as sure as I am of my birth)
I am so certain 100% positive that I did fuck up ...My entire life.

My life is fucked up.
My life is fucked up and I did it.
I fucked it all up.
I did it.
I fucked up my life
And now my life is absolutely and completely fucked up.
My life is fucked up.
And thats all I have to say.

Since its totally fucked up (My life I mean)
I should now relax and don't give a fuck.
Why must Karima Ullah give a fuck about a totally fucked up life?
And on top of it that its she (Karima Ullah) who did it herself.
Its her (me) who fucked it all up (My life I mean)
But since I am still fucking it up (My life ) I mean
I can't stop having nervous break downs.
So should you (I mean me)
I should
I should have a million mile long nervous breakdowns because it was my life
Don't they tell you that life is so precious blah...blah..blah..blah
And I , me, Karima Ullah fucked it all up
So why should I not have huge, enormous, complete nervous breakdowns?
Why do I need the permission of absolutely normal people to have my nervous breakdown?
My nervous breakdown which I earned after such a long and hard life which I
(Karima Ullah ) totally fucked up by her own hand

Fucked it all up...smashed like a moreno glass tray from Venice which I payed a fortune for
and then smashed it
Can you see the sanity of the choice?
No way.
Sane people only see sane choices, they recognize them because they make them.
Choices such as, {I am going to hustle and get ahead, no matter what"
I mean thats what hustle means...No matter what...
is the hustle.
Otherwise a person will say, "I am going to get ahead."
Nothing else but when, "NO matter what" is added to it...
That means,"Hustle."

Fucked up people don't know that.
Thats why they keep fucking up their entire life.
Only normal, sane people quietly say to themselves.,
"I am going to make it, no matter what."
"I am going to make it and I am going to fuck every one else up on the way."

But fucked up people like me (Karima Ullah ) say, "
I am going to get ahead and fuck up my life."

They don't say, "Hey, wait a minute, I am going to fuck you up and get ahead."
They say, "Hey, you know what, you go get ahead because I am so busy fucking it up."
"Fucking up my life" I mean.
Yes, thats what Karima means and thats what Karima Ullah did.
Karima Ullah fucked up her life and she is still doing it...................................

FRAGMENTATION OF A LIFE: FRAGMENTS SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE

FRAGMENTATION OF A LIFE
(FRAGMENTS SCATTERED ALL OVER THE PLACE)

EVER DAY'S NOTES TO MYSELF WITHOUT EVER FOLLOWING THEM

EVERY DAY'S NOTES TO MYSELF WITHOUT EVER FOLLOWING THEM