THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

This one wasn't so awful
Actually it wasn't awful at all
What happened?
Am I healed?

This was a bit un-usual
There was a nice big clean corridor
Next to the corridor was a room without doors
The space was pretty big, open and clean
In the long corridor was a bed
Not a huge bed but a normal size bed
And there was a man lying down
Covered in a white sheet
But his face was not covered
He seemed really feverish
Lots of restlessness and agony surrounded him
I knew in my dream that this person had high fever

He was moaning and groaning
Asking for some thing
I saw his face
He was Obama
Yes, Obama sick with fever
All alone by himself in the middle of a corridor asking for something

I came running to him from the room
I was bare foot and nervous
Extremely nervous
I stood near the bed with my hands totally shaking
Shaking so much that I had to rest them  on the bed....
'Yes, Mr President, Yes, Mr President, what would you like?"
I ASKED SHIVERING TO MY BONE.....

He mumbled
He asked for two things
The first one I didn't understand
I was too afraid to ask him, 'What did you say?"
After-all I knew I was dealing wit the president of United States
Can you imagine......
So I dare not asked about the very first thing he wanted
But I understood the second part of his request
He wanted tea......

'With milk? Mr President"
"No, black."  he said
'Yes, Mr President, yes and yes again....

Now I was looking for some one to make him tea
I am sure some one from his security have to be around
But there was not a soul in sight
Not his wife
Not his daughters
No guard
No security

I knew I had to make tea for him
I didn't mind
Actually it was a pleasure to make tea for him
But I was throughly afraid...

'Am I allowed to make tea for Obama, the president?"
I was asking myself a million time
But there was no one around
And he was feverish
So sick
I know when some one has high fever
Their skin color changes
He had fever
He was dehydrated

I made a big mug of black tea and brought it to him
"Here Mr President, here is your tea."
He took it
I was still trembling like a tiny tree branch in a dangerous storm

I kept asking myself what else did he want?
What was the first thing he wanted before he mentioned tea?
Did he want water?
Should I bring him water?
Should I dare ask him again what else did he want?
Do I dare say to him, "Mr President I didn't understand the first time you spoke.

I didn't understand your first request. Please let me know, "what else did you want?"
But I couldn't
I couldn't.....
I wanted to but I didn't have the guts to question him....
I remember this dream so clearly, as if it wasn't a dream at all
Everything was crystal clear except the first part of his want....

'What else did he want?"
'What else did he want?"
I wish I heard him clearly

Then after I gave him tea and stood there for a while gathering my courage to ask him what else did he want?

I suddenly woke up................

This was day before yesterday...............
And I am still wondering what else did he want?
Did he ask for water?
And I didn't give it to him because I didn't hear him properly
Or if not water what else did he need?
I wish I knew
Then I would have served him whatever he needed...............
I wondered what else did he need when he was so feverish, so sick and so alone by himself....................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

I was reading a book or watching a program about some one, a scholar or some big shot
and it was very late at night, I think it was a huge book and the character kind of jumped out of the page, which I didn't realize and went out in the dark looking for him and then that very character was coming out of a tv studio as if in my dream I was reading about some one who also was on tv at the same time....

Does it make any sense?
If it doesn't its a dream anyway
Dreams don't make sense and sometimes they signals about your emotional disturbances
which surface late at night most of the time....

Now I am outside in the street and standing in-front of the TV STUDIO AND THIS GUY WHO WAS ALSO A CHARACTER IN THE BOOK i WAS READING COMING OUT AND i OPEN THE DOOR FOR HIM...............

Thinking at the same time, "Why am I opening the door for him?  I am not a door man
Why am I putting myself in an inferior position, not that door man is somehow in an inferior place but still why must I open the door for this man even if was admiring him earlier but somehow I do, I open the door and he gives me a strange look because its so late at night and there is no one in the street...............What is a dark woman doing in the dark street in the dark of the night?
He seemed puzzled ....
And I praise him profusely like I usually do.......
There is an other man behind him
Seems like a chumcha
Thats a foreign word meaning, "Ass-kisser"
He, the chamcha also gives me non-complimentary looks
And then they leave and all of a sudden I get this urge to pee
And I see the lights on in the next corner
A resturant or something
So I rushed towards the place and I realize that I am bare foot

'Oh!gee what am I doing running bare foot?"
I realize that my foot has been hurting and now I am bare foot in the filthy street with dog shit and broken glass
But I have to pee..............

By the time I get to the corner cafe or whatever it was the lights get turned down and I can't enter the place.....

Now if I was sensible or my dream was I would have gone back to my home which
was on the other corner of the street and gone to my own bathroom to pee....
But hell no...
Its a non-sensical dream and I keep looking for places to pee now getting further away from my home....

AND GUESS WHAT?
NOW i AM IN A TRAIN.....GOING TO ANOTHER TOWN TO PEE..............
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED NEXT................
I BET YOU I PEED IN THE TRAIN AND THEY ARRESTED ME...........
BUT THANK GOD I WOKE UP BEFORE THAT......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

TESE AWFUL DREAMS

iT HAD TO BE SOMEWHERE IN THE BRONX
i REMEMBER THAT VIVEDLY

But there was a junction
A railway junction or some big square with lots of arteries
Leading to so many other junctions
It was widely spread out
Reminded me of Duras's novel, 'The English mint
Where the leading lady murder her maid, chop her up in pieces
and send them out to many trains from a particular railway junction
such as this one in the dream........

And Bronx of my dream was just beyond this junction
And I had to figure it out how to get through this section to
get to my destination

I asked many people about the way
Some kept passing me by and some were helpful
But quite confusing....
Some told me to take a particular bus and then another bus and then another bus
But they couldn't tell me where to get off the first time, the second time and the third time as well

Also they couldn't tell me what number bus to take
So I kept standing there and kept asking strangers for help
But no one was precise enough
I noticed even in my dream that I am very good in giving directions
I mean thats the reason people ask for directions
Because they don't know the way
And if you take that challenge
You should be mighty sure how to guide the poor slobs
with no knowledge of the road......

I mean if you tell them to turn right at some point and their point of desire
is on the left side, you misguided the poor bastard
Who was lost to begin with but now will be completely crazy
ight even chop the head of his companion after suffering the rage of the road
And the heat of august on that road with motels , ugly motels on the road
And no place to cool off.......

So ne has to be very careful in giving directions
I tell people exactly how to get places when I am awake
Only when I am asleep I am lost
And I ask lost people for directions

There is something to be learnt about from my dreams
'Asking directions from the people who are completely lost
And don't know at all even the number of the bus even if they live in the same street
Oh!well, whatever
They couldn't guide me to my destination
I know I had a destination
I had to get to the Bronx
And I had to go to the Bronx
And I didn't know the way
Because in my real life I haven't been to the Bronx

Then the scene changes
The dreams are like movies
The scenes change
Some times it moves forward and some times it goes back
There are flash backs
And then the dream is broken some time
You wake up and you are sweating
Because the fan in the bed room is lousy
Cheaply made in China
Like everything else
I bet you If I dreamt of going to China I won't know the way

I know someone who went to China to marry some young slut
Who is ripping him off and he calls it, 'LOVE'
MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR
'LOVE" ........
Like I have been looking for the Bronx
Not so great a place to go to or look for
But looking desperately nevertheless
'LOVE' IS LIKE THAT
EVERY ONE IS LOOKING FOR IT AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO FIND IT
NO ONE KNOWS THE DIRECTION TOWARDS LOVE.
EVERYONE IS LOST ON THE ROAD TO LOVE

Now the scene changes
I am somewhere closer to it
The place I am looking for
But I am still not there
And I know I have to get two important tickets or cards or passess to enter that academy
Which is in the Bronx
And once I am admitted to it I will be fine
Its seemed like RADA
Royal Academy of dramatic arts in London
If you want to be a serious actor you have to get in RADA
I don't know where its located in London
BUT I KNOW ITS VERY PRESTIGIOUS
And once you are in, you get work in great institutions such as the National theater
I knew in my dream that I was not in London
Thats for sure
I was in the Bronx but the place I was looking for seemed as important as RADA
BECAUSE I WAS DESPERATE TO GET TO IT........

Then I was in a room, or loft or a house
Whatever it was it was very big
The room I mean
And there was a maid
Who was dressing a child who was a cripple
A good looking rich cripple
She was very sensitive with the child
And his dress was expansive looking
He also wore sun glasses
Fancy Italian looking dark, round sun glasses
Like the one's Johnny  Depp wears when he doesn't want to be recognized
Why go out at all when you don't want to be recognized?

Actually its the opposite
You want to be recognized by the whole world behaving like
They are bothering you, not leaving you alone but actually they are dying to be seen
They are afraid they will be forgotten soon and they will be for sure
Every one is going to be forgotten soon
Thats for sure
But actually I like Johnny Depp
I should have used another star's name
They all try to hide behind their most expansive sun glasses
Thats tacky......

Oh! well, this poor little cripple kid was wearing sunglasses such as
The stars and was being taken somewhere by the maid
Maybe he was also going to the Bronx at some fancy school
But I feel that we were both very close to our destination in the Bronx
Me and the cripple kid......
I don't know if he found the place he was going to
But I was moving in circles
Asking people again and again
Making some Americans very angry,
'Miss you asked me before, you asked me which bus to take to the Bronx
And I told you to take one bus, then the other bus, then a third one and you will be in the Bronx,
Now leave me alone, I am very anxious about my own fucked up life and if you asked me one more time about the bus, I will shoot you with my un-licensed gun."

And he took his gun out and every one started to scream and run, but I just stood still
and couldn't move an inch and people kept shouting, "Get away from him, get away from him."
But I couldn't move at all.
For the first time I felt grounded
My feet firmly grasping the hot lava melted road to the Bronx and then he took an aim at me......

AND I WOKE UP......AND IT WAS SO HOT AND I WAS SWEATING AND THE FAN WAS STILL LOUSY AND I COULDN'T MOVE, COULDN'T MOVE AT ALL............................
WONDERING WHAT WAS IT THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR IN THE BRONX?

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

It seemed like we were all attending a conference somewhere in an Important country
There were lots of men participating in whatever that conference was
I knew somewhere deep down in my heart that he was there also
A man I had once desired
I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All those men in the conference room desired me
I know that
But I was only looking for the one I desired
And desired for so long
I know he was there
Part of the conference
But I couldn't find him
I couldn't see him
I couldn't touch him
But I knew he was there somewhere amongst those men

All other men lost my attention
As if they were not there at all
As if the room was full of them but they weren't there at all
As if they all vanished
Vanished like thin air up in the clouds
And their Armani suits were just the shadows of them
Just shadows sitting in those plush chairs in the conference room
They were perhaps there but I couldn't see them
I couldn't careless actually
I was looking for the one I couldn't find
He was there somewhere outside the conference room
I know he was there
Maybe he was drinking champagne in the lounge waiting for me
He also knew that I was there
I know it
I know that he knew

We have been looking for each other for thirty years
We met once
But the time wasn't right
There were restrictions on, 'Love" and 'Desire"
So we contained our love and desire for each other in our bosoms
And moved far far away from each other
And desire became bigger and stronger
And today it will be fulfilled
After such a long time
After such a long long time
I will touch my love
The love I have been desiring for so long
And he is somewhere outside sipping champagne
And the others are asking and answering such boring questions and answers
in the conference room
Their bosoms are puffed up with the salaries they get for hyping themselves up
by saying things no one can understand
Roundabout questions and answers
Just so full of themselves
So full of themselves that their Armani suits are bursting
And they haven't even eaten the gourmet five course lunch
prepared for them yet................

They know everything
They have knowledge of science and biology and philosophy and religion and technology
and they are so important
So very important
Thats why they were invited
But why am I here?
I am not in a suit and I have no knowledge of technology and what it can do to fulfill
Our desires................
I just have desire for the man I met once
He was in white
It was a hoy, hot summer day
In a far away hot land
And we were in a garden
Full of jasmine and daffodils and birds such as bulbuls
Singing, singing songs of love
And we were in the garden
The same garden but on the opposite ends of the garden
He was in white
A white linen shirt
And white linen lose pants
I was also in white
A white flowing dress
It was a hot country
Mostly we wore white
He was on the opposite side of the garden
And he desired me
And I desired him
I know he did
Because I desired him..............

We never poke
But made a promise
That we will meet again
And then we will hold each other and kiss
We will kiss
Silently
We won't speak to each other
We won't say a single word
But we will meet
And we will kiss each other
We will fulfill our desire

And its been thirty years
And he is here
And I am here
And I know he is here
I just have to find him...................................
I loved him once
And I love him still
I just have to find him............................................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

i was carrying a huge black bag
A carry on kind of bag
But it was so huge that If I was going to take a plane with it,
They for sure would not let me carry it on the plan
I will have to check it and pay extra money for it
But I am sure in my dream I wasn't taking a flight
I was going somewhere near
As if I was going home for the night

There were lots of people
Women and men
Asking me a few questions
It seemed like as if we just finished a lengthy rehearsal
And the actors were asking many questions
Actors didn't seemed satisfied
Thats not so rare
But in the dream it wasn't clear as if we were in show business
Or even any where near it

But questions were being asked of me about the contents of the bag
And I opened the zipper
And the bag was full of things
So crowded that I couldn't get even my hand in there
There was tons of fruit
Like apricots, nuts, pears, plums,
Even some melons
And there was a huge book
Or at least looked like a book
Maybe it was a huge script
Maybe we were all actors
Maybe we did just finished a rehearsal and the actors were curious about the script
Curious or maybe critical
Critical , is more like it......

They were asking me things such as these
Like ,"What part in the script is against the Quran
And which part is in favor of it?"
And I was telling them that, 'Some parts in the script/book were against
And some are in favor of the Quran
And they asked me if I could show them the real pages
And I tried but couldn't get grasp the script
The bag was too full
And if I interfered more all the fruit will rip apart and the bag will be full of juice and
Everything in it would be stained
And I didn't want that to happen
I felt in my dream that everything in the bag was dear to me
And I didn't want anything to be spoiled

Bag seemed too precious to me
Not the actual bag
The bag was so huge and ugly actually
But the content seemed very special
Especially the book
Maybe it was the Quran
But I know it was not
I know it well
That part of the dream was very clear
But the questions from the women surrounding me were also very clear
They were for sure about the Quran
They were repeatedly asking me about the good and the bad parts

But I couldn't get to the book in the bag
Things were in the way
But I knew I have to do a lot of work when I get to the place
I was heading towards....
I was aware that I had to assign different roles to different people
I had to look very carefully at the script and find things
For appropriate actors...............

So it seems like that it was a script
Some kind of fiction dealing with important subjects
Subjects such as religion and love perhaps
But none of these two topics are of any importance in the 21st Century
'Love" has lost its definition completely
The word, "LOVE" gets mixed up with "Tinder" and all
The digital utopia has also something to do with, "Love"
'Sex is part of love
Isn't it?
And "Tinder is all sex
Thus a big part of love.............

So my bag had some references to the Quran obviously
And ,"Fruit" represented love and sex and the original sin
Maybe there was an apple somewhere in the bag too
An apple which Eve ate long time ago and I was now looking for it
But the apple was eaten
And the one in my bag from the farmers market
was not the original apple
That apple had already been eaten
The :LOve" had already been eaten
So perhaps there was no love in my bag
And for sure no Quran
21st Century ended love and religion
Religion turned into killings
And love turned into Tinder

Such advancement in the world
And I have just learnt the word Tinder recently
While millions are using it
Millions are in love
So love hasn't ended
It has gone into space
Its a cloud ow
Love is a cloud
Maybe that was the title of the script in my huge black bag
"LOVE IS A CLOUD, IT HAS MANY SHAPES AND STILL
HAS NO SHAPE.................
IT HAS SPREAD UPWARDS IN THE SKY
SKY HAS LOVE
NOT US.....
SHAPE OF LOVE CAN'T BE DEFINED ANY MORE......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

AND SOME ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE
 I WAITED AND WAITED
I WAS ALSO NOT READY
DIDN'T FINISH WRITING
OR COMPILING WHATEVER i WAS SUPPOSE TO READ THAT NIGHT
OR PERFORM
PERHAPS IT WAS A SCRIPT
WHICH WASN'T YET COMLETE

This dream is so very vague
But I did dream
Something chaotic in a wide spread way like my emotions
Nothing linear
All circular
Going around and around
I was very un-happy when I slept

I was upset about wasting my whole day under subtle pressure
Not being able to say, "NO"
Being slightly shocked by being surprised and not have the pre-determination
to be able to make a quick excuse to get away from the situation fast and saved my day and my money un-necessarily spent
It often happens
It happens frequently
I am never prepared to get away from a situation of not my making

Can not say, "NO:
Too much sense of obligation
I wonder why?
Some kind of obligation is ok perhaps
But not obliged to the whole planet
So I was upset before I slept
And in my dream wandered around looking for this and that
And not finding it
In this dream I think it was a ride
Some one was going to give me a ride somewhere Important
And that some one was not around
While I was also not ready
I remeber writing
Writing something
But It wasn't enough
I had couple of pages in my hand
Which I put in a drawer to keep them safe
But I was aware that those pages won't fill an hour
So it must be a script
The play can not be so short
At least an hour
Yes, it should fill at least an hour
People are paying for it
Keep them there for one and a half hour
But certainly an hour
Not less than that
Unless you are Fiona Shaw and the script is, "Wasteland."
Thirty seven minutes to be exact and seventy dollars
Well! stars can do everything
But even in my dream I felt the script has to be filled up

I kept the few pages in the drawer and looked for the person
With whom I was going to go somewhere........
Then I was dreaming of colors, bright colors
and food
Perhaps it was fruit
I haven't been eating fruit lately
I have been eating badly
Maybe thats why I go through these awful dreams
But my dreams have been awful for a long time
More like nightmares
I wake with great anxiety and sweat.
I have no friends

Perhaps that is the anxiety
But every one complains of not having friends
But it doesn't seem to bother them
Perhaps I am not busy enough
Yes, thats what it is
Not busy enough
Say it three times to confirm....
;Not busy enough."
;Not busy enough."
'Not busy enough."

People have projects
They don't even have time to call any one or to call back or to even pick up
the phone when some one calls them.
I want to be like that
I don't want to answer the phone when it rings
But my phone doesn't ring much
Some days it doesn't ring at all...................

But I should not pick it up even when it rings
I should not
I want to be like that
Not pick up the phone
Behave important
Say, "NO"  when I am in a situation I don't want to be in,
Say, "No and walk away
But I don't
I can't
Then I am upset for the rest of the day
Then I dream bad dreams

In my dream all of a sudden while I am looking for that some one to take me somewhere
All of a sudden there is a big platform which is covered by white sheets
Some one pick up the sheets and an amazing thing happens
The platform is full of hundreds of colorful bracelets
Glass bracelets
Colorful glass bracelets
Thousands of them
Where am I?
Thats my country
Thats where all the colorful bracelets are being sold
Thousands of them
And women are buying them
So many bracelets and so many women
All colorful
Bright bracelets and bright people
Bright colors buying colorful bracelets under the bright sky....
Where am I?
I am home
Then I wake up................
No, I am not home
I am sweating
The room is dark and hot
I am alone
I am not home
Where am I?
I don't know
What do I do here?
Nothing
Just go along
WHATEVER IS THERE i JUST GO ALONG
WASTE MY TIME
WASTE MY LIFE
JUST GO ALONG
Can't say, 'NO'.......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There were three or four men
Seemed like an important conference or a lecture
They all seemed like celebrities
Whatever that means

One of the men seemed familiar
As if I knew him
Not only knew him but liked him at some point in my life
He didn't see me
I was part of the audience
Or maybe part of a class
Not much audience anyway
A few of us sitting opposite them

I wonder if the man was the man I was thinking about
Or just a look alike
In a little while it will be more clear if he is the same one
His face was towards the other speakers
Experts maybe
Men are mostly experts
Like on TV

They sit and speak often interrupting others and shouting
Then the other expert interrupts and shouts
And then the Republican expert shouts
And then the democratic expert shouts and then the TV show of experts is over
But these men were not shouting
I think they were English
English men, experts stay calm
Only the American man, the host shouts
There is a lot of aggression in American culture

Every one is at the edge of anger
Its like they are saying, "YOu want to say something, anything, I will break your bones, I am American, don't you know that? And if you do don't forget it."
So one is always afraid of saying anything
Anything which might not be according to their opinions which were made long time ago.
Its like this, 'We are always right and if you say anything otherwise we will use the stun gun on you."
How about that...............

But that was not part of the dream
In the dream this man, the man I thought I knew was very calm and seemed English
THATS ALL i WANTED TO SAY
Because the dream didn't compare any cultures such as British or American
So lets get back to it

In the dream I was interested to find out if the man who is going to speak soon, speak about whatever...
War or peace
What a joke
The word peace never appears in my dreams
It never even appears while I am awake
But now, since I am so disappointed in my waking hours
I sleep a lot
A lot of sleep is very good for your disturbed days
And the moment I arrive at JFK my disturbed days begin to disturb me

"SAMME? SAME AGAIN?"
I keep saying to myself
'Same what?"
'Same loneliness, same alienation, same lack of funds, same hourly lies of people
who promise to call you but never call you."
Well to hell with people, they are not so important any more
And I say any more because they were once very important to me.
'Oh! they were so important, so very Important, people I mean,
all kinds of people, relatives, off course, so, so, so, so important, lovers, friends, school mates, neighbors, homeless, beggars, passersby, every Tom, Dick and Harry was so important
So my life energy was spent on frivolously important people
So now I have no life energy,only awful dreams
At the end of my dream, I never get anything................
The thing I am looking for I never get it in my dream
Maybe its not my dream actually, its my life perhaps
Its my life which turns into a dream and it ends with an un-fulfilled want..................
I guess thats the best analysis of my dreams
Now I am turning into an expert also like those men
sitting so sternly on those chairs waiting to give us their expertise
But I am not waiting for this particular man's expertise
I am waiting to see if this is the man I once desired and if he is going to recognize me

And then I have a sudden urge to pee
And I leave the room in search of a restroom
When I come back
I can't find the place
Neither the room nor the building
I frantically look for the place
I know I never went very far
I came out of the room
Turned left
Then turned right and there was the restroom
So when I couldn't find the place I repeated the same motions again and again
This time I turned right first and then turned left but no building such as the one I left a moment ago
There were off course other buildings, courtyards, lawns, people sitting on the lawn.....
They seemed like students
So this was a university after all
So those men must be professors
The men I couldn't find any more

I walked around and around
But alas never got there
Then I asked some one
And an ominous looking man told me ,"that building is very special and once you leave it you can't
enter again."
And I told him that," I can't even find it."
And he said, "once you left, that building stopped existing for you."
 and I was so overwhelmed
and I told him that, " I only went to the rest room because I really had to go and had no intention to leave the building for good."
And he said, 'Never mind, restroom or no restroom, you had to know the rules and you had to follow the rules."
And I said, "NO one told me the rules."
And he said, "No one is supposed to tell you the rules, you have to know them yourself."
And he took my phone with him declaring, "You must not use the phone to call anyone inside either."
And then he left
I wasn't going to call anyone in there
I didn't know any one
I don't even know why I was there to begin with
But since I saw that man I became curious and wanted to see if he would recognize me...........
Actually I wasn't sure who that man was
Maybe he was a man of no importance
But I still wanted him to recognize me
Well that is a problem in my life
I think of so many things
So many people
People of no consequence
Things of no consequence
all day long
All day long
Every day and then think of things of no consequence all night long
All night long................................