COMPLAIN PLAY
SCENE TWO:
MORE COMPLAINS
COMING UP......SOON
(COMPLAIN PLAY IS A THREE ACT PLAY)
BY
BINA SHARIF
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
COMPLAIN PLAY
BY
BINA SHARIF
SCENE ONE:
TWO HOURS OF COMPLAINT
People
People
People
Friends
Friends
Friends
Governments
Religions
Wars
Celebrities
Entertainments
Success
Failure
Money
Poetry
Travel
Lack of it
Doctors
Drugs
Organic
VS
Non-organic
Wild fish
VS
Farm fish
Cafes
Cold coffee
Crowds
Winter
Snow
Earthquakes
Nuclear
Fundamentalism
Democracy
Liberalism
Education
Lack of education
Food stamps
Welfare
Disability
Tricks
Lies
Thin women
VS
Fat women
Old women
VS
young women
Relatives
Strangers
Foreigners
NativesBeaches
Deserts
Mountains
Cities
Villages
Gym
Jogging
Injury
Books
Newspapers
Internet
Computers
Cellphones
I pods
You tube
Apple macintosh
Starbucks
Greed
Businessmen
Artists
Proud
Stupid
Sleep
Lack of it
Insomnia
Insomnia
Insomnia
What to eat?
Where to eat?
Stores
How to relax?
How to live?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES
SCENE IN WHICH JERRY LEWIS AND THOMAS MITCHELL APPEARS
AND THEN THERE IS A SURPRISE...
DAMAGED AND BATTERED ORCHESTRA BY WOMEN
OR
DAMAGED AND BATTERED WOMEN ORCHESTRA
WOMEN ALL CLAD IN BLACK AND BANDAGED,
(ARMS, LEGS, HALF OF FACES BANDAGED BY WHITE BANDAGES,WITH
BLACK AND BLUE EYES AND NOSES NOW FREED BY THE SELF HELP GURU
DR MANSOORA AL TAIBI AL SHEIKH.
ALL WOMEN DANCE A SLOW DANCE WITH DIFFICULTY MOVING CERTAIN BODY PARTS WITH BEAUTIFULLY EXOTIC MUSIC IN THE BACK GROUND.
ALTERNATIVES:
!: IF ACTRESSES ARE NOT AVAILABLE FOR THIS ONE SCENE ONLY USE:
2: DUMMIES?
3: SKELETONS?
4: PUPPETS ?
5: PAINTINGS ?
OR WOMEN DRESSES ON HANGERS ON A RACK
AND WE THREE ACTORS MANIPULATE THE DRESSES AS STAGE HANDS
AND MAKE THE SKIRTS DANCE ?
SCENE IN WHICH JERRY LEWIS AND THOMAS MITCHELL APPEARS
AND THEN THERE IS A SURPRISE...
DAMAGED AND BATTERED ORCHESTRA BY WOMEN
OR
DAMAGED AND BATTERED WOMEN ORCHESTRA
WOMEN ALL CLAD IN BLACK AND BANDAGED,
(ARMS, LEGS, HALF OF FACES BANDAGED BY WHITE BANDAGES,WITH
BLACK AND BLUE EYES AND NOSES NOW FREED BY THE SELF HELP GURU
DR MANSOORA AL TAIBI AL SHEIKH.
ALL WOMEN DANCE A SLOW DANCE WITH DIFFICULTY MOVING CERTAIN BODY PARTS WITH BEAUTIFULLY EXOTIC MUSIC IN THE BACK GROUND.
ALTERNATIVES:
!: IF ACTRESSES ARE NOT AVAILABLE FOR THIS ONE SCENE ONLY USE:
2: DUMMIES?
3: SKELETONS?
4: PUPPETS ?
5: PAINTINGS ?
OR WOMEN DRESSES ON HANGERS ON A RACK
AND WE THREE ACTORS MANIPULATE THE DRESSES AS STAGE HANDS
AND MAKE THE SKIRTS DANCE ?
Monday, March 25, 2013
COMEDY NIGHT CONTINUES
NEXT SCENE"
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE TO ONE OF HER PATIENT
DR MANSOORA:
You are suffering from Isolation and Alienation disorder.
I have found a solution for you.
Can you act?
I said, Can you act?
Why do I ask?
Because I have a comedy show....
Yes a comedy show....
I am the comedian...
Yes I am...
Yes, I am a doctor also who is a part time un-employed comedian
No, I don't have a show yet but I am getting ready for one. Right now I just have
the title....Title I said...TITLE. (She puts her hand on the phone and says)
I think she is deaf also along with being abused...
No I don't have a show yet but its going to be called, 'COMEDY NIGHT LIVE."
And I am looking for damaged people. They turn out to be good comics. Comedy is the
other sister of tragedy....What?
No, I don't have a sister, no no sister, no brother, no mother, no father. I have no one.
I just have a comedy show.
When will it be on? whenever I have some funny comedians within my reach.
My assistants are not ready yet. They are still in training.
Yes, I am training them. No, no, no.....
They are not from Haiti...
They are white tall, handsome American men....
White American tall men, Well, one not so tall but 100% American.
Yes, I am extremely successful. No I am not tall, no not tall at all, Not tall, not white
not thin. I am fat and dark and I have American white men as my assistants.
Honey if that is not success tell me what is?
How did I achieve that?
Because I am a great Comedian. MY HEAD IS SO FULL AND PACKED WITH TALENT
THAT ABUSE HAS NO PLACE IN THERE.
Thats why I am asking you to join my troupe...
We are going to put talent in and abuse out...ok...
You are not ready?
Don't worry. Neither are my assistants.
They have been with me for years. Its been such a struggle.
You see they are the students of, "STAND UP COMEDY."
and in STAND UP COMEDY, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FIRST.
Most of the troubled people are good but they can't stand up.
AND THE RULE OF GREAT COMEDY IS TO STAND UP .
ALL THE TOP MOST COMEDIANS, LENO, LETTERMAN,FALLON,CONAN, KIMMEL
ARE ALWAYS STANDING FOR THEIR MONOLOGUES AND THE MOMENT THEY SIT
DOWN WITH THEIR CELEBRITY GUESTS THEY BECOME EXTREMELY BORING
BECAUSE NOW BOTH PARTIES ARE SITTING DOWN
SITTING DOWN IS THE END OF COMEDY.
THATS WHY I KEEP JERRY LEWIS AND THOMAS MITCHELL WHOSE NICK NAME IS
BRANDO KEEP STANDING.
WHEN YOU STAND UP, MASSESS STAND UP WITH YOU AND CHEER TILL THEY
STAMPED A FEW FANS TO DEATH...BUT THEY THEMSELVES KEEP STANDING.
OUR PRESIDENTS MAKE SPEECHES STANDING UP ALSO.
ALL PRESIDENTS ARE FIRST RATE COMEDIANS. THEY JOKE ABOUT PEACE
PROCESSES IN WAR ZONES STANDING UP.
ONLY TIME THEY ARE NOT FUNNY WHEN THEY ARE SIGNING
,"KILL" DOCUMENTS SITTING DOWN.
Why am I telling you this?
Because if you are going to be part of my group, you have to stand up first.....
Stand up, get out of the house, come to me, join my group and live happily ever after....
You see when you make people happy, by osmosis you yourself become happy
and my comedy is the part of treatment for the mentally ill....
No, no, no honey, you are not mentally ill....I am......
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
NEXT SCENE"
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE TO ONE OF HER PATIENT
DR MANSOORA:
You are suffering from Isolation and Alienation disorder.
I have found a solution for you.
Can you act?
I said, Can you act?
Why do I ask?
Because I have a comedy show....
Yes a comedy show....
I am the comedian...
Yes I am...
Yes, I am a doctor also who is a part time un-employed comedian
No, I don't have a show yet but I am getting ready for one. Right now I just have
the title....Title I said...TITLE. (She puts her hand on the phone and says)
I think she is deaf also along with being abused...
No I don't have a show yet but its going to be called, 'COMEDY NIGHT LIVE."
And I am looking for damaged people. They turn out to be good comics. Comedy is the
other sister of tragedy....What?
No, I don't have a sister, no no sister, no brother, no mother, no father. I have no one.
I just have a comedy show.
When will it be on? whenever I have some funny comedians within my reach.
My assistants are not ready yet. They are still in training.
Yes, I am training them. No, no, no.....
They are not from Haiti...
They are white tall, handsome American men....
White American tall men, Well, one not so tall but 100% American.
Yes, I am extremely successful. No I am not tall, no not tall at all, Not tall, not white
not thin. I am fat and dark and I have American white men as my assistants.
Honey if that is not success tell me what is?
How did I achieve that?
Because I am a great Comedian. MY HEAD IS SO FULL AND PACKED WITH TALENT
THAT ABUSE HAS NO PLACE IN THERE.
Thats why I am asking you to join my troupe...
We are going to put talent in and abuse out...ok...
You are not ready?
Don't worry. Neither are my assistants.
They have been with me for years. Its been such a struggle.
You see they are the students of, "STAND UP COMEDY."
and in STAND UP COMEDY, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FIRST.
Most of the troubled people are good but they can't stand up.
AND THE RULE OF GREAT COMEDY IS TO STAND UP .
ALL THE TOP MOST COMEDIANS, LENO, LETTERMAN,FALLON,CONAN, KIMMEL
ARE ALWAYS STANDING FOR THEIR MONOLOGUES AND THE MOMENT THEY SIT
DOWN WITH THEIR CELEBRITY GUESTS THEY BECOME EXTREMELY BORING
BECAUSE NOW BOTH PARTIES ARE SITTING DOWN
SITTING DOWN IS THE END OF COMEDY.
THATS WHY I KEEP JERRY LEWIS AND THOMAS MITCHELL WHOSE NICK NAME IS
BRANDO KEEP STANDING.
WHEN YOU STAND UP, MASSESS STAND UP WITH YOU AND CHEER TILL THEY
STAMPED A FEW FANS TO DEATH...BUT THEY THEMSELVES KEEP STANDING.
OUR PRESIDENTS MAKE SPEECHES STANDING UP ALSO.
ALL PRESIDENTS ARE FIRST RATE COMEDIANS. THEY JOKE ABOUT PEACE
PROCESSES IN WAR ZONES STANDING UP.
ONLY TIME THEY ARE NOT FUNNY WHEN THEY ARE SIGNING
,"KILL" DOCUMENTS SITTING DOWN.
Why am I telling you this?
Because if you are going to be part of my group, you have to stand up first.....
Stand up, get out of the house, come to me, join my group and live happily ever after....
You see when you make people happy, by osmosis you yourself become happy
and my comedy is the part of treatment for the mentally ill....
No, no, no honey, you are not mentally ill....I am......
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
COMEDY NIGHT CONTINUES
(Maybe the scene in the cafe should not end yet and continues a bit longer)
MANSOORA:
All is fiction, nothing is real except hunger
JERRY:
Thats why I say lets do our comedy show and make millions like Leno and Jimmy Fallon
THOMAS:
We are equally good
MANSOORA:
Except that we have no jokes. You guys are not writers and my brain
is fried up by the n artist, opportunist, killer husbands and there is no food to nourish my
non creative brain....
JERRY:
I can cook, you can eat and we rehears our show....
MANSOORA:
Here?
JERRY:
No, in your apt
MANSOORA:
In that hole?
THOMAS:
All great comedians started in a hole
JERRY:
I agree. Jerry lewis started in a hell hole
MANSOORA:
Let me think...If the waiter ever comes back, tell him to make me a hot coffee at least
Tell him, Damn it make it hot. Burn her mouth Otherwise she will send Alqaeda after him.
THOMAS:
Thats a great topic, current, hot, funny, every one laughs when Letterman mentions
Al qaeda...All you have to say is one word,"ALQAEDA" and every one laughs.
(To Mansoora) ) and with your Alqaeda connections we can't fail...( Jerry and Thomas
laughs like idiots)
JERRY& THOMAS: (Laugh) ha ha...hahaha...ha...ha...ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..hahahahah
MANSOORA:
Great Idea, I should also send Alqaeda to beat up all the husbands who are breaking my
patients bones....What have I been waiting for? Nothing else is working....But I have to eat
first. I can't create on empty stomach, I am not Nicole Kidman....She don't eat, she only creates...
Not me....I like my fat....
JERRY:
I can cook....
MANSOORA:
There is no food in the apt
THOMAS:
I can go shopping...
MANSOORA:
Now/
THOMAS:
Its NY baby....Everything stays open all night.
MANSOORA: (To Jerry)
You are going to cook?
JERRY:
I always do...Nothing new and tonight will be a feast because of our first rehearsal
coming up....
MANSOORA:
That is if my juice will flow
THOMAS:
It will flow. I promise you.
MANSOORA:
There are no promises in this world. Every thing is a mere chance...No promises darling, no
promises....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
(Maybe the scene in the cafe should not end yet and continues a bit longer)
MANSOORA:
All is fiction, nothing is real except hunger
JERRY:
Thats why I say lets do our comedy show and make millions like Leno and Jimmy Fallon
THOMAS:
We are equally good
MANSOORA:
Except that we have no jokes. You guys are not writers and my brain
is fried up by the n artist, opportunist, killer husbands and there is no food to nourish my
non creative brain....
JERRY:
I can cook, you can eat and we rehears our show....
MANSOORA:
Here?
JERRY:
No, in your apt
MANSOORA:
In that hole?
THOMAS:
All great comedians started in a hole
JERRY:
I agree. Jerry lewis started in a hell hole
MANSOORA:
Let me think...If the waiter ever comes back, tell him to make me a hot coffee at least
Tell him, Damn it make it hot. Burn her mouth Otherwise she will send Alqaeda after him.
THOMAS:
Thats a great topic, current, hot, funny, every one laughs when Letterman mentions
Al qaeda...All you have to say is one word,"ALQAEDA" and every one laughs.
(To Mansoora) ) and with your Alqaeda connections we can't fail...( Jerry and Thomas
laughs like idiots)
JERRY& THOMAS: (Laugh) ha ha...hahaha...ha...ha...ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..ha..hahahahah
MANSOORA:
Great Idea, I should also send Alqaeda to beat up all the husbands who are breaking my
patients bones....What have I been waiting for? Nothing else is working....But I have to eat
first. I can't create on empty stomach, I am not Nicole Kidman....She don't eat, she only creates...
Not me....I like my fat....
JERRY:
I can cook....
MANSOORA:
There is no food in the apt
THOMAS:
I can go shopping...
MANSOORA:
Now/
THOMAS:
Its NY baby....Everything stays open all night.
MANSOORA: (To Jerry)
You are going to cook?
JERRY:
I always do...Nothing new and tonight will be a feast because of our first rehearsal
coming up....
MANSOORA:
That is if my juice will flow
THOMAS:
It will flow. I promise you.
MANSOORA:
There are no promises in this world. Every thing is a mere chance...No promises darling, no
promises....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
Why do you need this husband of yours?
This abuser...
Wife beater...
Oh! he gets your prescription drugs from the pharmacy
But if you leave him you won't need the prescription drugs.
He is your disease. Get rid of the disease. You won't need drugs
after that....
Time is up...Talk to you next week.
Too short a session?
Not my fault
You said, you were taking Xanax naps. I waited for 40 minutes
without making one cent. That was your hour and you slept through it.
But its good for you the sleep I mean...No not Xanax. Try to sleep without
it tomorrow afternoon..ok...ok..I need to get off...Good night...Don't
let the husband bite....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE
NEXT SCENE:
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
Listen darling, there is no order in life, no happiness, no love. Just chaos.
Get used to it. Do the best you can.
My life is worst than you.
I listen to your complaints and we come up to no solution
You don't send me a check and I have no food either.
A doctor who died of starvation and poverty.
A doctor, (Mental illness doctor) and (Counsel for domestic violence)
has nothing but social conscious.
Who cares for social conscious.
I need roasted Goose....
I need scones with Devenshire cream
I need roasted bone marrow.
Good energetic fatty food they are all eating in Denmark
Its called, "PALEAO DIET"
I should have that diet and write a book
Yes, thats what I should do....
The title of my book will be...
"I AM MY OWN BIOGRAPHY."
Actually I should write that book and you too
You should write your own book
That would be a good idea.
Some one asked Ghandi once
"What do you think of Western Civilization?"
And he said,"That would be a good idea."
I just gave you a million dollar Idea...
Write that book, make a million dollars
Get rid of the trouble maker from your life
And go out to eat Roasted Goose. Good night now....
GETS OFF THE PHONE
CALL FOR HER ASSISTANTS
Jerry?
Thomas?
Jerry?
Thomas?
Where are you guys?
Oh! Shit, they went out to eat ...
How can they eat out?
I haven't paid them yet...
And on top of that they went out to eat without me...
I hate that.....
LIKE GLEN CLOSE FROM FATAL ATTRACTION SHE SAYS,
" I AM NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED"
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE
NEXT SCENE:
DR MANSOORA GOES OUT AND FIND THEM IN A BISTRO AROUND THE CORNER
A SMALL COFFEE TABLE, THREE CHAIRS, JERRY, THOMAS AND MANSOORA
SITTING
DR MANSOORA:Its actually not entirely women fault. Society aggressively assaults women.
JERRY:
Mostly in the 3rd World countries.
THOMAS:
Our country is becoming a 3rd World country also. (looking at Mansoora, he says to Jerry)
She is treating abused women here in NY, not in Timbuktoo
JERRY:
Of course,There is some abuse here also but none like the other countries
MANSOORA:
I had a patient here in NY. She was an abused wife. She was very rich
but had an awful life with him and then had a horribly tragic death.
Her tragic moment in life began when she met him and that moment ruined her.
I almost feel guilty for not being able to help her but hey...........
JERRY:
Why don't you take a break from this depressing therapy sessions and concentrate
on our comedy show. We have been studying with you for so long and still haven't
done one show yet.....My wife is getting tired of my long training program....
MANSOORA:
(To Thomas)
Jerry's wife beat him up once in a while.....
THOMAS:
Mine too.
MANSOIRA:
Jesus, how does she manage? You are so tall.
THOMAS:
Thats the beauty of it, she is so short that her head reaches my balls and she hit me on my
balls with her head....Very easy.....
MANSOORA:
Why don;'t you both become my patients? I usually deal with women but you
are also victims of violence...
THOMAS:
We don't want to be victims. We want to be comedians.
MANSOORA:
But you are not ready yet.
JERRY:
Neither are you....
MANSOORA:
But at least I am an immigrant Phyllis Diller
THOMAS:
And I am Thomas Mitchell
JERRY:
And I am Jerry Lewis
MANSOORA:
And I am the sister of Audrey Hepburn...
THOMAS:
See we have enough material already... We are raedy.
MANSOORA:
And if we Arn't, we will just keep apologizing to the audience.
We will keep saying. "Sorry" "We are so sorry" "So so sorry, we are so sorry, we don't have a show."
"So sorry" "So very sorry."
(They all laugh)
JERRY:
Where is the waiter?
THOMAS:
(Becomes the waiter and says)
THOMAS"
So sorry, so very sorry, so so sorry, we don't have your favorite goose today. Sorry, so sorry.
JERRY: (To the waiter)
Bring us some thing else, such as bone marrow...
THOMAS:
So sorry. We don't have that either. Sorry, so sorry.
MANSOORA:
Bring us whatever you have....
THOMAS:
We don't have anything sir...Sorry, so sorry, so so sorry....
JERRY:
This cafe is just like our comedy show.....
MANSOORA: (To the make vbelieve waiter Thomas)
Don't worry, we also don't have our comedy show and we call ourselves comedians
And they have no food and they call it a bistro...No one has anything...
All is fake, all is fiction, nothing is real except the hunger....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
NEXT SCENE AT THE MANSOORA'S APT...
LIGHTS
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
Why do you need this husband of yours?
This abuser...
Wife beater...
Oh! he gets your prescription drugs from the pharmacy
But if you leave him you won't need the prescription drugs.
He is your disease. Get rid of the disease. You won't need drugs
after that....
Time is up...Talk to you next week.
Too short a session?
Not my fault
You said, you were taking Xanax naps. I waited for 40 minutes
without making one cent. That was your hour and you slept through it.
But its good for you the sleep I mean...No not Xanax. Try to sleep without
it tomorrow afternoon..ok...ok..I need to get off...Good night...Don't
let the husband bite....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE
NEXT SCENE:
DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
Listen darling, there is no order in life, no happiness, no love. Just chaos.
Get used to it. Do the best you can.
My life is worst than you.
I listen to your complaints and we come up to no solution
You don't send me a check and I have no food either.
A doctor who died of starvation and poverty.
A doctor, (Mental illness doctor) and (Counsel for domestic violence)
has nothing but social conscious.
Who cares for social conscious.
I need roasted Goose....
I need scones with Devenshire cream
I need roasted bone marrow.
Good energetic fatty food they are all eating in Denmark
Its called, "PALEAO DIET"
I should have that diet and write a book
Yes, thats what I should do....
The title of my book will be...
"I AM MY OWN BIOGRAPHY."
Actually I should write that book and you too
You should write your own book
That would be a good idea.
Some one asked Ghandi once
"What do you think of Western Civilization?"
And he said,"That would be a good idea."
I just gave you a million dollar Idea...
Write that book, make a million dollars
Get rid of the trouble maker from your life
And go out to eat Roasted Goose. Good night now....
GETS OFF THE PHONE
CALL FOR HER ASSISTANTS
Jerry?
Thomas?
Jerry?
Thomas?
Where are you guys?
Oh! Shit, they went out to eat ...
How can they eat out?
I haven't paid them yet...
And on top of that they went out to eat without me...
I hate that.....
LIKE GLEN CLOSE FROM FATAL ATTRACTION SHE SAYS,
" I AM NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED"
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE
NEXT SCENE:
DR MANSOORA GOES OUT AND FIND THEM IN A BISTRO AROUND THE CORNER
A SMALL COFFEE TABLE, THREE CHAIRS, JERRY, THOMAS AND MANSOORA
SITTING
DR MANSOORA:Its actually not entirely women fault. Society aggressively assaults women.
JERRY:
Mostly in the 3rd World countries.
THOMAS:
Our country is becoming a 3rd World country also. (looking at Mansoora, he says to Jerry)
She is treating abused women here in NY, not in Timbuktoo
JERRY:
Of course,There is some abuse here also but none like the other countries
MANSOORA:
I had a patient here in NY. She was an abused wife. She was very rich
but had an awful life with him and then had a horribly tragic death.
Her tragic moment in life began when she met him and that moment ruined her.
I almost feel guilty for not being able to help her but hey...........
JERRY:
Why don't you take a break from this depressing therapy sessions and concentrate
on our comedy show. We have been studying with you for so long and still haven't
done one show yet.....My wife is getting tired of my long training program....
MANSOORA:
(To Thomas)
Jerry's wife beat him up once in a while.....
THOMAS:
Mine too.
MANSOIRA:
Jesus, how does she manage? You are so tall.
THOMAS:
Thats the beauty of it, she is so short that her head reaches my balls and she hit me on my
balls with her head....Very easy.....
MANSOORA:
Why don;'t you both become my patients? I usually deal with women but you
are also victims of violence...
THOMAS:
We don't want to be victims. We want to be comedians.
MANSOORA:
But you are not ready yet.
JERRY:
Neither are you....
MANSOORA:
But at least I am an immigrant Phyllis Diller
THOMAS:
And I am Thomas Mitchell
JERRY:
And I am Jerry Lewis
MANSOORA:
And I am the sister of Audrey Hepburn...
THOMAS:
See we have enough material already... We are raedy.
MANSOORA:
And if we Arn't, we will just keep apologizing to the audience.
We will keep saying. "Sorry" "We are so sorry" "So so sorry, we are so sorry, we don't have a show."
"So sorry" "So very sorry."
(They all laugh)
JERRY:
Where is the waiter?
THOMAS:
(Becomes the waiter and says)
THOMAS"
So sorry, so very sorry, so so sorry, we don't have your favorite goose today. Sorry, so sorry.
JERRY: (To the waiter)
Bring us some thing else, such as bone marrow...
THOMAS:
So sorry. We don't have that either. Sorry, so sorry.
MANSOORA:
Bring us whatever you have....
THOMAS:
We don't have anything sir...Sorry, so sorry, so so sorry....
JERRY:
This cafe is just like our comedy show.....
MANSOORA: (To the make vbelieve waiter Thomas)
Don't worry, we also don't have our comedy show and we call ourselves comedians
And they have no food and they call it a bistro...No one has anything...
All is fake, all is fiction, nothing is real except the hunger....
MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.
NEXT SCENE AT THE MANSOORA'S APT...
LIGHTS
Sunday, March 24, 2013
COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES:
LIGHTS UP...DR MANSOORA IS STILL AT THE ORIGINAL PLACE AFTER HANGING UP THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
I should get out of this business. Its my conscious which keeps me tied to the under dogs of the
world...but I can't seem to get them off the hands of the murder husbands...I am failing fast...
I am a no good doctor...can't compete with abusive wife beaters....No way man...I can't...
He seems like mafia...he will come and break all my bones....
I want to die with my bones and teeth intact thats why I didn't marry...
Thats one good thing I did....and now I should do one more good thing for myself and
try my comedy show...after all I am a trained comedian with a certificate from RADA
Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts from London... All educated immigrants go to London first on their
way to America.
I am a first rate Comedian...When I came here and won some awards as a comedian people told me
that I remind them of PHYLLIS DILLER...I didn't know who she was...but I sensed she was some
one famous and it was a great compliment to me...so I started to teach other un-trained comedians...
I already have two students...Jerry and Thomas....They are good but a bit lazy...they hardly are around
for their lessons and if they are not ready we can't put up a show becuse they are part of the show...
and Me myself am so entangled with the abused, battred women that after dealing with them all day I
don't have any funny ideas in my head and you are no God damned comedian with no funny ideas in
your head...I don't have staff writers writing jokes for me...I write all my jokes...
Jesus...what a tough life.....
During the day listen to the tragic stories of damaged women and in the evening trying to get ready to
do a fabulous comedy show with the assistants who say they are very funny but have no time to
practice their craft because they have 9 to 5 jobs...
Well 9 to 5 job is the death of comedy.
I don't have a job and I am still dying here thinking of some funny jokes to entertain my audience who
will come in droves when we are ready....They are waiting for me...after all I am Phyllis Diller...
An Immigrant Phyllis Diller... That has a funny sound to it...Hi, And welcome to the comedy club,
ladies and gentlemen....We have Immigrant Phyllis Diller for you tonight...the greatest comedian ever
who doesn't really have a show for you....So sorry, so, so sorry, so sorry for that but we do have some
cookies from Tarralucci, $10 per cookie...thats some cookie....Ladies and gentleman...so hang on....
"Patience, my child Patience." My mother used to say....
I am still waiting.....
LIGHTS UP...DR MANSOORA IS STILL AT THE ORIGINAL PLACE AFTER HANGING UP THE PHONE:
DR MANSOORA:
I should get out of this business. Its my conscious which keeps me tied to the under dogs of the
world...but I can't seem to get them off the hands of the murder husbands...I am failing fast...
I am a no good doctor...can't compete with abusive wife beaters....No way man...I can't...
He seems like mafia...he will come and break all my bones....
I want to die with my bones and teeth intact thats why I didn't marry...
Thats one good thing I did....and now I should do one more good thing for myself and
try my comedy show...after all I am a trained comedian with a certificate from RADA
Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts from London... All educated immigrants go to London first on their
way to America.
I am a first rate Comedian...When I came here and won some awards as a comedian people told me
that I remind them of PHYLLIS DILLER...I didn't know who she was...but I sensed she was some
one famous and it was a great compliment to me...so I started to teach other un-trained comedians...
I already have two students...Jerry and Thomas....They are good but a bit lazy...they hardly are around
for their lessons and if they are not ready we can't put up a show becuse they are part of the show...
and Me myself am so entangled with the abused, battred women that after dealing with them all day I
don't have any funny ideas in my head and you are no God damned comedian with no funny ideas in
your head...I don't have staff writers writing jokes for me...I write all my jokes...
Jesus...what a tough life.....
During the day listen to the tragic stories of damaged women and in the evening trying to get ready to
do a fabulous comedy show with the assistants who say they are very funny but have no time to
practice their craft because they have 9 to 5 jobs...
Well 9 to 5 job is the death of comedy.
I don't have a job and I am still dying here thinking of some funny jokes to entertain my audience who
will come in droves when we are ready....They are waiting for me...after all I am Phyllis Diller...
An Immigrant Phyllis Diller... That has a funny sound to it...Hi, And welcome to the comedy club,
ladies and gentlemen....We have Immigrant Phyllis Diller for you tonight...the greatest comedian ever
who doesn't really have a show for you....So sorry, so, so sorry, so sorry for that but we do have some
cookies from Tarralucci, $10 per cookie...thats some cookie....Ladies and gentleman...so hang on....
"Patience, my child Patience." My mother used to say....
I am still waiting.....
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