NAPKIN DIARY:

NAPKIN DIARY

"Love of truth, love of good, love of beauty."

" The knower, the doer, the sayer."   RWE

 "Homer's words are as costly and admirable as Agammnons victories are to Agamemnon."

"Poets-writers primarily what will and must be spoken."

"Words are also actions and actions are a kind of words."

"I mearly walk in circles."  ?

"Weather has been very moody."  ?

"We must trust in what is difficult."

"Tensions between art and domesticity."  ?

"Proscenium stage."

"Write about every day's events."

"DUBLIN DAYS."

"Can't finish my song."

"Xray

Blood sugar

ESR

Vit D 3

Liver function

Night Sweats

After effects of antibiotics

Tendon knee problem.

'Two extremyly ugly men came in without me seeing them.

One was so loud that it scared the shit out of me.

Thought some one got hurt in the subway train, the train halted with a terrifying shreak.

'Kofta

Kebab

Aloo pratha

Keema Pratha

Samosa

Chiken Tikka

It was $34

You charged me, $37

--------

I am bored

Write about it

DUBLIN DAYS

DUBLIN DAYS by Bina Sharif

Plays

Museums

Cafes

Book stores

Walks along the river

Go on a dietroken things.

------

Messiness

Bewilderment

Disorder

Half broken things

----

HOLIDAY

To do exactly what I like to do...

That can be done in NY as well

Holiday can be had right here in NY

It can be a miracle in itself.

Let it be the only miracle.

It can be but it's an expansive

Holiday doesn't have to be the only miracle

Yes, It can be...but it's an expensive  miracle. Right here can be a new found faboulous 

 treasure.

to explore, what's on?

(Go to the unknown Brooklyn or the Bronx and happily turn on unknown corners )

Which road to take, which road not to take just like if you are in Barcelona or Lisbon...

Which risk to take, (Be careful in Mexico)

Never been there

More urgent then...

Where to eat?

To avoid what doesn't seem interesting...

Most of the time, every city, every capital offers almost the same things...

Cafes, museums, restaurants, parks, shopping, starbucks...just the names of the streets are different...

 You just take yourself to a city which doesn't look like the city you live in for a change.

Changed look of a street, a room, a road, a cafe, a restaurant, a theater, thats all.

Nothing new to the locals but new to you...

That's what a holiday means.

"WE ALWAYS MUST TRUST IN THE DIFFICULT."     Riner Marie Rilke

But actually it happened here in a fancy cafe.

"They don't belong here...

Far too ugly...

Far too loud...

And I was reading the most beautiful poem by Rainer Maria Rilke.

---------

Can tapper, Metho trexate, (dangerous medicine)

Prednison (Another dangerous one)

This diary must have been written in 2017-2018

Was pretty sick....

 Inflamation

Liver factor... 

JESUS...PRETTY SCARY.

--------

Homo pathic medicine at home

Natural remedies for every ailment

by

Maesimund B Panos

and, Jane Heimlich

An Importan book.

------------

"LITERATURE & DIALOGUE."

Lecture by Arundothi Roy. May 12 at Appolo Theatere

-----------------

 'Terminally self centered humanity"

This weekend for sure.

Reviews of, Dionysus and Chile play

-------------------

Pre- frontal Cortex

The processing center of our frontal lobe is responsible for complex functions...

"Such as planning, organizing, problem solving, memory, attention, inhibition....

___________________

This weekend for sure...

Reviews of Dionysus and Chile play

---------

"Comedy to be fully effective- it has to elicit empathy as well as Schadenfreude." ?

--------------------

Guest house in Dublin

Word document about AFGHAN WOMAN, MY ONE WOMAN PLAY TO BE DONE AGAIN.

------------

Life full of shame

Failutre

Rejection

Abuse

Isolation

Anger

Alienation

Ruinous road....

(I hope it's not my life.)

------------ANYTHING IS NOT GOOD."

"GENUINE SOCIAL, CULTURAL, ECROESONOMIC EQUALITY?"

Will never happen...a fact...no, not being negative...a fact.

Negativism is not enough but knowing years of inequlity, doesn't seem like it will happen any time soon.

"PASSIVE ACCEPTANCE OF ANYTHING IS NOT GOOD.

---------------

"I WAS ENORMOUSLY STRUCK BY THE NEGROES GOOD HUMOR, KINDNESS AND

 HUMANITY."...TonyB

AND THEN ,THEY WERE GONE

 AND THEN, THEY WERE GONE

WHAT TO ACHIEVE BY THIS NEW BEHAVIOR?

WHAT TO ACHIEVE BY THIS NEW BEHAVIOR?

WAKE UP

NOT SO LATE

IT IS LATE BUT NEED TO WAKE UP

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS NEW PROGRAM?

DESTRUCTION

WHY?

DESTRUCTION HAS NO ANSWER

IT'S JUST DESTRUCTION

WHY?

DESTRUCTION OF WHOM?

OF YOURSELF

WHY?

HATRED

HATRED OF WHAT

OF YOUR SELF

WHY?

BECAUSE OF WASTE

WHAT IS WASTED?

LIFE

WHOSE LIFE?

WHAT A QUESTION

LIFE WASTED .

THOUGHT I ANSWERED IT

WHOSE LIFE?

I  THOUGHT I ANSWERED IT

NO YOU DIDN'T

I DID

NO...

WASTED

WHAT IS WASTED?

LIFE

WHOSE LIFE?

WHAT A QUESTION...

YES, WHOSE LIFE?

THE STORY

WHOSE STORY?

WHY?

HATRED

HATRED?

TTHE LIFE OF THE ONE WHO IS TELLING THE STORY

WHOSE STORY?

THE ONE WHO IS TELLING IT

THE STORY TELLER'S LIFE IS WASTED

WHO SAYS SO?

THE STORY TELLER

AND NOW?

NOW HE IS WASTING HIS REMAINING LIFE

WHY NOT SAVE THE REMAINING DAYS?

HATRED, TOO MUCH HATRED FOR WASTING HIS ENTIRE LIFE

DESTRUCTION

WILLFUL DESTRUCTION

NOT WILLFULL, UN-PLANNED, SUBCONSCIOUS

CAN ANY THING BE DONE?

EFFORT, LOTS OF EFFORT, THERAPY, REHAB, STRONG WILL POWER TO

DO SOME CONSTRUCTIVE, MEANINGFUL PLANNING

IT DOESN'T WORK

HE HAS BECOME FAR TOO DESTRUCTIVE TOWARDS HIMSELF

PUNISHING HIMSELF FOR HIS PREVIOUS WASTE.

VERY SAD ABOUT PREVIOUS WASTE AND STILL WASTING THE PRESENT

THATS THE TRAGEDY

REVENGE

AGAINST WHOM?

AGAINST HIMSELF

NEED TO STOP HIM

AN URGENT NEED TO STOP HIM AGAINST HIMSELF.

 THIS MOMENT, THIS VERY MOMENT, HE NEEDS TO BE STOPPED

NO ONE TO STOP HIM

HE IS ALL ALONE BY HIMSELF.

TTHERE IS NO ONE TO STOP HIM

HE IS DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MEANINGFUL...

WHY?

TO DSTROY TIME...

THATS AWFUL

YES

THATS TRAGIC

YES

WHAT CAN BE DONE?

HE HAS TO STOP

BUT HE CAN'T

HE HAS TO

HE HAS TO STOP THIS BEHAVIOR

THIS NEW BEHAVIOR

DESTRUCTIVE

VERY

ALL DESTRUCTIVE ELEMENTS HAVE TO REMOVED FROM HIM

TWO OBJECTS OF DESTRUCTION MUST BE REMOVED FROM HIM

HE CAN'T COME NEAR THOSE TWO OBJECTS

WHICH TWO OBJECTS?

HE KNOWS

SURE?

VERY SURE

IF HE KNOWS, WHY CAN'T HE REMOVE HIMSELF FROM THOSE TWO DANGEROUS

 ELEMENTS?

NO WILL POWER

SO WHAT CAN BE DONE?

HE HAS TO HAVE STRONGER WILL POWER

BUT HE DOESN'T

 HE HAS TO DEVELOP IT

HOW?

SLOWLY AND GRADUALLY REALIZATION

GOOD BOOKS

TO GET UP, DO SOMETHING BETTER EVEN AGAINST HIS  DEPRESSING, WEAK WILL

READ

READ GOOD BOOKS

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE

GO OUT

SIT DOWN WITH STRANGERS

READ BOOKS ABOUT OTHERS

OTHERS WHO HAD THE SAME DIFFICULTY OF GIVING UP

DID HE GIVE UP?

YES

DOES HE KNOW IT?

NO

DEPPRESSED?

VERY

WHAT TO BE DONE?

CHANGE

WHAT KIND OF CHANGE?

OUT OF THE HOUSE, SIT SOME PLACE ELSE

WITHOUT THE PHONE AND COMPUTER

ANOTHER PLACE 

WHAT NEED TO BE DONE?

READ, READ BOOKS,  AWAY FROM HIS OWN ROOM

NO COMPUTER, NO PHONE

WHY?

LOOKING AT THE MEANINGLESS YOUTUBE ALL DAY

YOUTUBE IS NOT MEANINGLESS, 

THERE IS A LOT GOING ON YOU TUBE.

HE NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM IT ALL ESPECIALLY FROM TWO OBJECTS OF HIS

DESTRUCTIVE, TIME KILLING WASTEFUL TIME PASSING EXERCISES.

WHICH TWO OBJECTS?

HARRY, HARRY'S BOOK, HARRY'S RANTINGS, ROYAL EXPERTS

AND

IDAHO MURDERS...

NOTHING NEW IS HAPPENING

THEY ARE ALL REHASHING THE SAME NEWS EVERY MINUTE

HE NEEDS TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IDAHO MURDERS TILL 26 OF JUNE WHEN

 SOMETHING, SOMETHING NEW MIGHT HAPPEN.

NEW WILL BE REPORTED ON YOUTUBE

OR STAY AWAY FROM HARRY AND SPARE AND ALL THE OTHER BS TILL HARRY COME UP

WITH A FUCKING NEW BOOK...

TO A LOCATION WHERE THERE IS NO PHONE, COMPUTER, RADIO, TELEVISION

ONLY BOOKS, JUST BOOKS AND TREES AND LONG WALKS NEAR THOSE TREES

TO SAVE HIMSELF FROM THE FUTURE DESTRUCTION

 THAT IS THE ONLY HOPE FOR HIM, NOTHING ELSE...

IF I WAS HIS THERAPIST, I WILL ORDER RIGHT NOW TO REMOVE ALL

 TECHNOLOGY AWAY FROM HIM. THAT IS HIS CYANIDE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIS THERAPIST.

AM I?

YES

I AM NOT GETTING PAID.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PAID TO SAVE A LIFE

IN THAT CASE, ORDER EVERY ITEM I MENTIONED BEFORE  WHICH MUST BE

 IMMEDIATELY

 REMOVED. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRECIOUS TIME.

THANK YOU.

SEE YOU SOON AT YOUR NEXT EPISODE.

EPISODE?

I AM NOT ON TV...

THANK YOU.

HE NEEDS TO BE REMOVED FROM HIS ROOM TO ANOTHER QUIET LOCATION

WITH NOTHING BUT BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS...

SAD BOOKS, HAPPY BOOKS, PHILOSOPHIC BOOKS, BIOGRAPHIES, ESSAYS, MEMOIRS,

 POEMS, POEMS, POEMS.

HE HAS TO BE IN THE COMPANY OF BAUDELAIRE, RIMBAUD, T.S.ELIOT, KEATS, BYRON,

OSCAR WILDE, DURAS, BALZAC, GENET, MUPASSANT...

LIFE SHOULD HAVE TREE LINED LONG PATHS, BOOKS AND LOVE, LOTS OF LOVE.

ALL THAT IS MISSING IN HIS LIFE

JUST THE LOSS REMAINS.

THREE THINGS ONLY/THREE WORRIES ONLY

THREE THINGS ONLY/THREE WORRIES ONLY/RIES ONLY

FOR NOW, THREE TTHINGS ONLY

THREE WORRIES ONLY

STEP BY STEP...

THREE MORE THINGS

WHEN THESE THREE THINGS ARE RESOLVED

WHEN THESE THREE WORRIES ARE DEALT WITH... 

THREE MORE WHEN THE LAST THREE ARE ACHIEVED

 THEN THREE MORE THINGS

ONLY THREE MORE WORRIES WILL BE CONSIDERED

AND BE DEALT WITH... FROM NOW ON.

WHEN THOSE THREE THINGS WOULD BE RESOLVED

WHEN THOSE THREE WORRIES WOULD BE DEALT WITH...

THREE THINGS ONLY

THREE WORRIES ONLY

WHEN THREE THINGS WOULD BE DEALT WITH

WHEN THREE WORRIES WOULD BE RESOLVED

ONLY THEN...

THREE THINGS

1: APT

2: PLAY/REHEARSALS/PERFORMANCE

3: SEEING SHOWS

 ABOVE MENTIONED THREE THINGS ARE OF UTMOST IMPORTANT.

REFLECTIONS OF KARIMA ULLAH

REFLECTIONS OF KARIMA ULLAH.

KARIMA'S WHOLE FAMILY HAD PLENTY OF GOD GIVEN GIFTS.

1: GREAT CHARACTER

2;  GREAT TALENT

3: GOOD LOOKS

4: CULTURAL INTERESTS

5: LOVE OF LIFE

6: GREAT EDUCATION

THE TRAGEDY WAS THAT WE HAD NO IDEA OF SOME OF OUR INCREDIBLE GIFTS.

AND SOME OF THOSE BRILLIANT ATTRIBUTES WE WASTED BECAUSE WE HAD NO IDEA

 THAT THOSE WERE OUR AMAZING ASSETS.

AS WE MOVED INTO FOREIGN LANDS, WE WERE PUT INTO A GROUP, "MINORITY."

THE WORD, "MINORITY" LITERALLY MEANS SECOND TO THE MAJORITY, LESS THAN

 MAJORITY, DEFECIENT IN CERTAIN ABILITIES, CAN'T POSSIBLY ACHIEVE WHAT

 MAJORITY ACHIEVES. NOT PART OF THE POPULAR GROUP. CAN'T MOVE FORWARD

 WITH EASE AND SPEED. CERTAIN, PRIVALEDGES WON'T BE ACCESSIBLE TO THEM AS

 THEY ARE FOR THE POPULAR GROUP CALLED MAJORITY.

IF ANY ONE FOLLOWS THE MAJORITY TRADITIONS, THEIR BELIEF, THEIR LINE OF

 POLITICS,

 THEY, MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET SOME CRUMBS THROWN AT THEM AND SINCE THEY

 WOULD BE GIVEN SOME CRUMBS, THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE THANKFUL AND BE

 OBLIGED TO

 THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVESAND,  IF THEY ARE STILL OBEDIENT, 

ONCE IN A WHILE,

 THE POWERFUL MAJORITY WOULD STILL THROW A BONE AT THEM TO MAKE THE

 DOGS HAPPY.  WE WHO WERE FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD DIDN'T REALLY

 UNDERSTAND

 HOW THE MJORITY V/S MINORITY SYSTEM WORKS WE KEPT BEING POLITE WHICH WAS

 THE MAIN INGRIDENT ABOUT OUR CHARCTER.

NOW LET'S ELABORATE ON THIS GREAT QUALITY CALLED, CHARACTER.

WE, THE WHOLE FAMILY WAS EXTREMELY POLITEBECUSE OF OUR CHARACTER. WHICH

 HAD

 GRACE, HUMBLENESS, KINDNESS, GENEROSITY, EMPATHY, SENSITIVITY FOR OTHERS,

  FEAR OF THE DIVINE POWER, LOVE OF FAMILYAND GREAT  SOCIAL ABILITY.

SINCE OUR CHARACTER WAS SOLID, WE PERHAPS UN-KNOWINGLY SOUGHT PEOPLE

  WHO WERE A

 BIT LIKE US BUT HAD DIFFICULTY FINDING THEM. I AM SURE THERE WERE PEOPLE OF

 GREAT CHARACTER IN THE LANDS WHERE WE SETTLLED BUT WE COULDN'T FIND

 THEM BECAUSE WE WERE SEEKING PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE OURSELVES, HUMBLE AND

 KIND AND GIVING AND LOVING...

BUT PEOPLE IN THE SO CALLED FREE WORLD WERE REALLY FREE. MOST OF THEM

 WERE TOTALLY FREE OF BEUING HUMBLE...TO THEM BEING HUMBLE MEANT ,

 "VICTIMHOOD." AND THE WORD VICTIM IS A TOXIC WORD, AT LEAST IN OUR NEW

 ADOPTED CULTURE WHERE PEOPLE PRACTICED THEIR CULTURE FULLY ND WE TRIED

 TO BE PART OF THE

 NEW CULTURE AND STILL FOLLOWING THE REMAINS OF OUR CULTURE FROM THE

 PAST BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. WHEN WE WERE IN OUR PAST AND STILL BEING IN OUR

 PRESENT WE ENCOUNTERED FOG WHICH ENVELOPED US LIKE A HUGE CLOUD, DARK,

 GREY ND WET CLOUD. WE COULDN'T SEE CLEARLY, SO WE WOULD SWITCH  FROM THE

 CONFUSION AND GO DANCING

 AND IN MANY PLACES WE WEREN'T ALLOWED...WHY? WE WOULD ASK OURSELVES,

 WITHOUT HAVING ANY ANSWERS...SINCE WE WERE VERY SOCIAL, WE WANTED TO

 HAVE

 FRIENDS TO CONVERSE WITH. 

BACK HOME WE WERE CONSIDERED,

 "CONVERSATIONALISTS." WE STILL THOUGH THAT WE WERE WITTY, FULL OF HUMOR

AND  STILL,  CONVERSATIONALISTS." YES, WE DID AND TO OUR SURPRISE WE DIDN'T

 HAVE

 PEOPLE OF  GREAT CALIBER TO CONVERSE WITH. SINCE WE WERE HIGHLY EDUCATED,

 WE

 WERE NOT AMONGST A GROUP OF EDUCATED PEOPLE. WE WERE CONSIDERED

 ORDINARY, YES,

 THAT'S OK TO BE ORDINARY BUT WE COULDN'T CONVERSE WITH THE STRUGGLING

 LABOUR CLASS, HAVING NO DISLIKE ABOUT THEM BUT WE WERE NEVER CONSIDERED

 ORDINARY BACK HOME, THUS PEOPLE OF NO IMPORTANCE. BACK HOME EDUCATION

 WAS AN INCREDIBLE ASSET AND WE

 WERE MORE THAN EDUCATED. WE WERE HIGHLY WELL READ ND WELL AWARE OF THE

 VALUE OF EDUCATION. BUT HERE IN FOREIGN LANDS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST WAS

 ESSENTIAL. AND POOR DECENT FOLKS WERE DOING MANUEL LBOUR ND HIGHLY

 PROFESIONAL CLAN WAS NOT IN DOWN TRODEN DOWNTOWN., THEY WERE WITHE THE

 POLITICIANS AND ROYALS MINGLE WITH MILLIONAIRES SHARING THEIR PRIVATE

 PLANES AND YOUNG LADIES,

 AND YACHTS,.

 LOTS OF MONEY AND STATUS WAS ESSENTIAL HERE TO HAVE

 SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATIONS. BUT WE ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND

 SOPHISTICATED? WE CAN HAVE CONVERSATION WITH THE ONES ON CNN? HOW COME

 WE ARE NOT INVITED? WE How are you?VE GREAT KNOWLEDGE, OPINIONS AND SKILL

 OF BEING CONSULTANTS OF ALL KINDS.

WE WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED ABOUT OUR DOWNTRODDEN SITUATION.WE WOULD

 THINK...WHY NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION?

WE WERE SO NAIVE AND SO NICE, SO POLITE AND SO DOWN TO EARTH WITHOUT

 KNOWING THAT THOSE GOOD VALUES OUR PARENTS TAUGHT US WERE NOT GOOD

 THINGS TO BE PROUD OF,  HOW MANY MILLIONS DO YOU HAVE?  WHICH PARTY DO YOU

 BELONG TO? DO YOU FOLLOW THE ARTY LINE? DO YOU REALLY KISS ASS?

BUT WHY SHOULD WE KISS ASS? WE ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND WE SHOULD BE

 RESPECTED FOR THAT. NOT HERE, WHERE IS YOUR MANIPULATING ASSET?WHERE IS

 YOUR CUNNING?

WHERE IS YOUR CRIMINAL AND SMART INSTINCT WHERE YOU CAN MAKE TONS OF MNEY BY CUTTING CORNERS. YOUR MERIT, EDUCATION? GIVE ME A BREAK...

BUT ACTUALLY THE FAULT WAS ALL OURS. WE HAD FORGIOTTEN COMPLETELY THAT GOD ALMIGHTY HAD ENDOWED US WITH INCREDIBLE MIND AND TALENT. WE COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT AND BOUGHT THE FALSE AND UPWARDLY MOBILE STORY OF SUCCESS WHICH COMES WITH CONNECTIONS OF OTHER UPWARDLY MOBILE RUTHLESS GROUPS. BUT WE WERE NOT RUTHLESS...AND COULD NEVER BE...

THAT WAS OK, THAT WAS AGREEABE TO US, OUR CHARACTER. WE WWERE VERY PROUD OF OUR NON-CRIMINAL, NON-OFFENSIVE, NON THREATENING, NON-AGGRESSIVE, HUMBLE, POLITE, KIND, GENEROUS, TRUSTING CHARACTER AND THAT VERY CHARACTER WHICH WE WERE SO PROUD OF, WHICH WAS GRILLED IN OUR BONES BY OUR PARENTS AND ANCESTORS, WE COULD NEVER CHANGE THAT AND WE DIDN'T WANT IT FIR A SECOND. KARIMA ULLAH WOULD NEVER FORGET WHEN AT A VERY YOUNG AGE

HER FATHER TOLD HER AND HER YOUNG BROTHERS AND SISTERS THAT, "YOUR GOOD CHARACTER IS THE ONLY THING YOU WILL TAKE WITH YOU WHEN YOU DIE AND GOOD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WILL ONLY REMEBER YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR CHARACTER.

BUT THE SADDEST THING KARIMA ULLAH AND THE REST OF HER SIBLINGS NO MATTER WHERE THEY SETTLLED WOULD NEVER FORGIVE THEMSELVES FOR NEVER REMEBERING, ALWAYS FRGETTING THAT GOD GAVE THEM INCREDIBLE TALENT, TALENT WRTH OF ALL THE GOLD, TALENT WORTH OF ALL THE PEARLS AND DIAMONDS,

TALENT WORTH OF ALL THE PRIVATE PLANES AND BOATS AND BOASTS...THEY FORGOT

 THAT...WHEN THEY WERE BEING DENEGRATED IN FOREIGN LANDS AS INFEREIOR

 PEOPLE, AS MINORITY...THEY FORGOT THAT THEY HAD TALENT...AMZING TALENT,

 AMAZING WIT. AMZING HUMOR, AMAZING ABILITY TO GET AHEAD, FAR, FAR AHEAD,

 AHEAD THAN ANY GOD DAMN PERSON OF FORTUNES ACQUIRED BY LOOT...

THEY DIDN'T REMEBER, NOT AT ALL, AS IF THEY LST THEIR MEMORY COMPLETELY AND

 JUST GAVE UP AND STAYED COMPLETELY ISOLATED, SORROWFUL, REGRETTING THEIR

 SAD MOVE TO THE FOREIGHN LANDS AS LESS THAN OTHERS, AS PART OF A GROUP

 WITHOUT EVER ACTIVELY EVER JOINING THAT GROUP CALLED,  "MINORITY." THEY

 NEVER JOINED THAT GROUP, THEY NEVER PAID ANY FEE TO JOIN THAT GROUP. THEY

 WERE FORCEFULLY ADDED TO THAT GROUP, NO CONSENT NECESSARY.

KARIMA ULLAH ALWAYS HATED THE WORD, "MINORITY."

PERFECT AND PERFECTLY ALONE

 PERFECT AND PERFECTLY ALONE.

Don't you understand?

This will not involve any one

And when I say, anyone?

It means every one.

It's going to be totally private...

No intrusions

All excluded...

Answer me this...

Would you allow people in your bathroom while you are bathing

Or involved in other necessary stuff?

This one is private...as private as it can get...

As private as your sorrow, as your pain, as your happiness,

As your sorrow, as your loss...as your disappointments, your anxiety

As your hopes...

Don't discuss it with any one...

Don't expect people to understand it...

There might be some people out there who will get it, who will understand it,

Who will feel for it, who will be sensitive towards it,

But you don't know those people...You How are you?ve no idea where they are?

You don't have their email, you don't have their number,

You need not need their inclusion.

No one's 'INCLUSION" is necessary.

This is about, 'EXCLUSION."

Exclusion of the unknown to the unknown...

It's a project of loneliness, a lone subject matter,

Vey hard to understand,

Vey hard to comprehend, vey hard for busy, busy people...

PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST PEOPLE BUT NOT YOUR PEOPLE.

They have no understanding of what you are creating...

Not interested...

Why include some one in such an intimate project who is the least interested...

Once and all it need to be understood.

It's under no obligation of any one involved...

It's to be done quietly in your own private eye, under the umberella of complete privacy.

Never to be shared. Never to be questioned. All to be written by you all alone...

Keep it hidden under your own privacy. It has a privacy code...

Must be respected...

What's the point?

You tried it, you did, for so long... far too long and now You learned, hopefully you did...

And if you haven't there is no point of starting any thing, anything of substance, anything of character,

Any thing lasting, anything moving, anything worthwhile.

Thank god you have finally learned that your project has to be completely solo.

Thank god if you have learned a lesson after such trauma, so much waste, so much loss of precious

 time...so much un-necessary pain...

How the answer came to you. You have been looking for so long, so, so long.

Now you have the answer...

If you don't obey the answer now, all your yearly search will have no meaning...

What's the point of your long lost search if you don't pay attention to the answer.

You are very lucky, very blessed by the powers, powers of your ancestors who prayed for you...

You are blessed...many people search all their life without a clue, without a solution without even a hint

 of an answer...Thos people must not haveany ancestors, the ones who will pray for them...

Those un-fortunate people...Thank god you are not one of them.

You had great ancestors...all gone now...not seen by you but seeing you, praying for you...

Your eyes, your ears, your faculties were given to you so you can use them and appreciate what you

 found eventually. Door aid, drust aiy...what comes at the end is the right one...they say. Believe it...

Don't put your search of your life time into the gutter. Be smart. You are an educated and sensitive

 person. I don't really know you but I sense you, I smell you, I taste you. You have a smell of lilac,

 spicey like safron, taste like the ripe mango...ready to be eaten nice and cold on a very hot summer

 day...

Don't tell your story to any one, but watch, observe other's angst. Observe, watch, look but don't tell...

your story. It's been told a million times. But never was written.

It needs to be written finally. You write it.

You are the chosen one.

WRITE YOUR STORY.

LOOKING FOR AN AN ANSWER...LOOKING FOR SO LONG

 LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER...LOOKING FOR SO LONG

Answer?

Hard to find

Answers?

Very hard to find

So, what's the answer?

I don't have any

Are tou still going to go ahead?

What else am I going to do?

So, you are going ahead?

It depends

On what?

What is ahead...

Everything is ahead...

Not sure about it...

Many things are behind

But you can't go back...

Who said so?

It's common sense...

Common sense?

Yes, to go ahead...it would be stupid to go back...

Who says so?

I did...

You might be stupid...

I don't think so...

What do you think?

I think I am smart...

Oh! your smart?

I think so...

You are so smart that hunderds of your notebooks have been collecting dust and you didn't notice...

How do you know that I didn't noticce? Don't be a smart ass...

Who can avoid dust?It goes right into your lungs...

It didn't go into your lungs...

And since you are such a smart ass, you must have known that it went into my lungs...

I have been coughing for long time...

Oh! your notebooks gave you a bad cough...what was the point of all those notebooks?

so I could scribble and doodle in them

And then?

Then what?

They are full of something...

Something is not everything

It's something...

You got pneumonia for doing something of no value

Who told you that my notebooks are. of no value...

You told me

I told you?

Yes,e, there wouldn't be any awareness of their presence

By the way, who are you?

I don't really know but you have been talking to me for a while...

That's something. I created you, so I could talk to you about my notebooks

Which might have been filled with very valuable material and I haven't looked at them for so long...

So that's pretty neat that I just have a new awareness that I need to look at my notebooks...

If the notebooks weren't theire presence and I might have missed a treasure...

By the way, who are you?

I don't know, you just created me...

Oh! am I a creater?

You created me...I DIDN'T EXIST.

That's something...I created you and I created hunderds of note books and you are still bickering with

 me and being condescending towards me as if I have done nothing with my life...

Now get lost. I need to find my notebooks...