DIARY OF A THOUGHT
{CHAPTER TWO}

ITS A SHITTY LIFE:

First of all its snowing outside

When it snows, I slip

And fall down

And hurt my bones

I fell years ago

And my shoulder is all fucked up still

When the weatherman mentions the word snow

I instantly become down and depressed

So most of the time I am down and depressed in the winter

Going to go see a play when there is slush outside

Its the biggest punishment

And I am in the theater business...

Did I say business?

Forget the word,"Business."

I can't even spell the word business...

I should say, "I am in the theater world...

Even that doesn't sound right...

It doesn't seem like that I am in this world

Or of this world....

This world has computers in it

And smart phones

And I pads

And I pods

Even if I buy all those things

I don't know how to operate them

And people say,"Learn."

You don't know how much I have tried to learn....

I learn,"THIS"

And "THAT"

And, "THIS" doesn't work

Or "THAT" doesn't work...

And when you ask your ,"So called, "FRIENDS"

They mock you first before anything else.""OH! you don't even know this?"

They say...

"Even a moron knows that"

They say....

After that I don't want to learn anything from any one

So you don't get work.

Everything is on the machine now.

I used to work sometimes in the movies...

Now you have to put yourself on the computer, "YOUR PROFILE"

They say," Your profile is not complete"

Or they say, "NO clients can see your profile."

So you don't get a job in the movies

And mind you that was never a staring role...

It was coffee money anyway

Now I don't even have coffee money

So I can't go out for coffee

But its snowing any way

If I had coffee money anmd went out for coffee

I will break my remaining bones

So maybe its God's will for me to not have a movie job

And its god's will is for me not to learn the computer

And its God's will to have snow

My shitty life seems like its God's will.

DIARY OF A THOUGHT

Unbelievably slow thought process...
Thats also unbelievable
For some one who has a million thoughts rushing through
the grey matter per second....

But those are the thoughts stuck in a circle
They are not linear...
They circulate the same old, unhealthy, un productive
process...

They keep repeating and repeating...
and complete the circle and then again and then again...

They have exhausted me...
I am exhausted\I am exhausted
I AM EXHAUSTED

IDENTITY WOULD HELP

Identify with fruits of your own labors
and become authentic...
Move with rhythms
And not live in the the past's glory or the past's misery

Present should be confronted
Quest for authenticity

Identify with the fruits of your own labor.
Personal style, authentic.....

No facts but only interpretations
There is no single currency
No single class
No single horizon
No single success
No single failure

There are no two paths
But thousands of paths
Not one way of living
But a thousand ways......

Liberate your self from rules
Those are not your rules
But others...
Those are others rules imposed upon you by yourself
Liberate your self from those rules....
Rules are different from discipline
You have no discipline..............

Self legislation....
Don't become your own slave
Since you have no master to control you
Don't enslave yourself by your own self.
FREE YOUR SLAVE
HOW ABOUT THAT?
THATS A GREAT THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
AND ITS NOT SO CIRCULAR EITHER
ITS PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD
STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW
FOLLOW THIS THOUGHT OF THE DAY
FREE YOUR SLAVE...........
ITS OVER...............
YOU ARE NOT FROM THE SOUTH
YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE OWNER
YOU ARE NOT EVEN WHITE.....
AND HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU OF ALL PEOPLE CAN NEVER OWN A SLAVE
FREE YOUR SELF FROM YOUR OWN SLAVERY
ALLOW YOUR SELF TO MOVE TO DANCE...
YES DANCE.....

DANCE...
DANCE...

YOU ARE FINALLY FREE.............

THIS FLUE SEASON

I don't know if its the season or not
But I got it baby
Baby,
I got the flue
And its here to stay
Its not going away
Baby, I got the flue...

It likes me so much
It fits me like a glove
Its always closer to me than my nose
It is not going away
Its going to stay
Baby, I got the flue

It admires my guts
Runs through my butt
Sneezes on my ass
Curls my whole body upside down

Baby I got the flue
Its not going away
Its going to stay
And the mew year just got started
The flue promised to hang around
The whole year round
And the new year just got started

Baby I got the flue
Its going to stay
its not going away
Any day soon
Oh!baby I got the flue

Its more sincere than any boy friend
Wants to stay around the whole time
Day and night
Afternoon and night
Nothing else to do
For the lonely flue
Came and got stuck on my sleeve
Dragging me around in the street

What does it like about me
I am just a silly old goose
But the flue doesn't budge
It has a grudge

DON'T

Let things the way they are...
Don't dig deep into them
No use...
No point...
Its been too long...
The distance has gathered speed...
Time has changed things

People have forgotten
what they ,"said"
Or didn't."say"

Every one's memory is not as remarkably disturbing as yours
To you everything is about remembrance...
For others everything is for forgetting...

Forget it
Not the most important thing
By emphasizing other's wrong
you emphasize your need...

Ever heard the word,"Needy?"
A bad word, a very bad word....

For get it...
Just forget it...
Distance has gathered dust and dirt over it
and has covered up the facts
The facts of real ,"Hurt"
Real,"humiliation"

Don't bring it back
No one remembers...
Except you
Because your sharp memory is the source
The source of trouble...
Not only for yourself but for others

They resent you for remembering...
Things long past...
Things long forgotten...

Remember other things
Good things
Remember lines...
That's a good one
Remember lines...
From plays...
Then you will be ready to act...

Thats it...
You found the answer
Remember lines from the famous plays
And quote them in front of famous people
They will be so impressed
They will think you are a genius with memory
and memory is everything in the theater...

Join theater...
With your skills, you will be very successful
You can remember

Isn't that what bothers you all day long?
All night long?
"Who said, "what?"
And "Why" did they <"say" whatever, "The" said...

So sad...so sad...
Waste of a talent...
Waste of an education..
"An educated woman with nothing to do."
Like Chekov said...
'An educated woman with nothing to do."

Well!well! that's going to be the title of your new one woman show...

"AN EDUCATED WOMAN WITH NOTHING TOO DO BUT REMEMBRANCE"
"OR AN EDUCATED WOMAN WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT REMEMBERING..."

That's even better...
A brand new one person play coming up for your entertainment...
Now you can put all your pain, regrets, humiliations, memories, unhappiness, joys,
past, present, the sleepless nights over stupid stuff and stupid meaningless people
into an art form..."Theater" its called...."Theater."

"You want to go to the theater tonight?"
'What's playing?"
" A lot of stuff, but this one sounds interesting"
"Which one?"
"THis one..."AN EDUCATED WOMAN WITH NOTHING TO DO BUT REMEMBERING..."
"That really does sound interesting."
'Lets go."
'Yes, lets go."
"How much?"
"Pretty cheap"
"CHeap?  With a title like this, it should be very pricey."
'I know but then we won't be able to see it...we are artists also with no money."
"OH1 well, we should also do a show called, "Artists with no money."
"Yes, we can do that but its a beaten phrase ,"Artists with no money"
"And its not really true any more, artists have millions of dollars up theirs"
'Yes, you are right...that won't sell..."
"An educated woman with nothing to do sounds better but remembering.
"Yes, because it sounds intellectual, education and memory goes together...
if you were not educated, the question of memory won't come into the picture."
"Yes, you are right, with title like,"An artist with no money" seems poor, pathetic,
failure...people don't like failures...they want to mingle with success."
Yes, you are perfectly correct.  "An educated woman with nothing to do but remembering"
sounds smart, educated, high society, and well, Chekhovian and Chekhov is so popular now in NY"
" I know...so when do we go?"
"We can go tonight"
Oh! not tonight"
"Well why not?"
"Tonights performance was cancelled."
"Why?"
"THe actor couldn't remember her lines."
"Jesus...wasn't the show about remembering?"
"yes, remembering, but not the lines, the memories, the memories, the real memories...
and no one forgets real memories..."
"People do forget memories, people need to forget sad memories, bad memories, because you can;t move on...you get stuck in a rut...day and night..like a broken record..of the same painful memories...
people need to forget."
"Yes, maybe thats why the actress forgot her lines...may be too painful...the memories"
'Then, she shouldn't have chosen this title"
'Maybe she shouldn't have...but now she is stuck...now she has to remember all her memories
to go on...to go on stage at least...."

NEW YEAR:2013

I will be very very careful about love
Actually to tell you the truth I have been so hurt about love
That I would like to avoid loving any one new....
I will try at least...

I might not be successful
But I will certainly try...
I have been loving too much
People whom I love
I love them too much
And thats the problem

People tell me to play games
Games about love...
Don't love any one but behave...
That you love them...

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
AND EVEN IF I WANTED TO I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT
MY DNA IS DIFFERENT THAN ALL THOSE PEOPLE
WHO ADVISE ME TO PLAY THE GAME OF LOVE...

I just can't fake it
You can call me an idiot
Or an extremist
Or a fool...

But if I don't like any one I can't be friendly with them
Love is too strong and precious a word to use for some one I don't love...

I know its fashionable to say,"I love you."
And every one says it

I have to mean what I say
And thats why I GET INTO TROUBLE
Most of the times I say what I mean...

I know people also say ,"I didn't mean what I said."
Especially when they say hurtful and nasty things about you...
They justify or try to justify by saying,"Oh! I didn't mean what I said."

So don't say it then
If you don't mean it.
Trust me people mean what they say
They say nasty things with a smile
and behave that you will never get it
But I AM TOO SMART AND SENSITIVE FOR THAT
And thats a problem for me...

I get hurt
Because I am honest with my feelings
My feelings of warmth and my feelings of love
But I have been hurt and hurt again and hurt again
And bitten maliciously by people who have no instincts of honesty
In the fibre of their souls
They might not even have souls

So why should I get hurt?
By the soulless people...
Why love them at all?
Love is not to be wasted
Love is not to be perished
Love is not to be destroyed
Love is to be kept under lock and key
Love is more precious than diamonds
Yes, it is
And why must you part with your diamonds?
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT SWEETHEART?

Keep your love for yourself
No one is going to give it to you what belongs to them
Why are you wasting it on nonsensical and useless human beings?
Keep it for your self
It will come in handy one day
You don't have any bank balance, do you?
You don't own property, do you?
All you have is your pearls and diamonds
And you want to waste it on every Tom, Dick and Harry?

You don't know any Tom, Dick and Harry...
Very un-familiar names to you
Don't give them even an ounce of your love
You don't have to be nice to any one who hurt your feelings
You don't have to be nice to any one who disrespects you...
You don't have to be close to any one you don't want to...
If something got broken in your heart about someone, you don't have to be nice to them...

Forget them...
They never existed
Actually they never existed in your life
Why would it matter to you..
Don't listen to any any one...
You don't want to be be with the one who hurt you in any way...
You don't have to...
You don't owe any one anything...
Trust me you don't
And no one, and I say no one has ever done any favor to you at all in your whole life

Its always you who have done favors to people
Its you who have always be kind
Its you who have always being polite...
WELL STOP....
STOP IN 2013
STOP YOUR LOVE FOR OTHERS
THERE IS NO OTHER WHO COUNTS
NO OTHER BUT YOU...
LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN
YOU DESREV IT.....
AND ITS SO LATE ALREADY....
ITS 2013....

I TOLD YOU THIS IN 2000
YOU DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION
I TOLD YOU THIS IN 2001
YOU DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION
I TOLD YOU THIS IN 2002
THEN IN 2003
THEN IN 2004
THEN IN 2005
THEN IN 2006
THEN IN 2007
THEN IN 2008
THEN IN 2009
THEN IN 2010
THEN IN 2011
THEN IN 2012
YOU DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION

ALL YOUR LOVE IS GONE....
JUST A FRACTION OF IT IS LEFT
A TINY, REALLY TINY FRACTION IS LEFT...
KEEP IT FOR YOUR SELF.....
TRUST ME...
ITS YOUR SHARE
DON'T WASTE IT
YOU WILL BE SO SORRY...
ITS SO LATE ALREADY...
ITS 2013.....
TIME HAS COME TO LOVE YOUR SELF
AND LOVE YOUR SELF ONLY
NO ONE ELSE WILL BE SHARING IT...
THERE IS NOT MUCH LEFT TO SHARE...
SHARE IT WITH YOUR SELF...
THIS IS THE YEAR OF LOVE
LOVE FOR YOURSELF
YOUR SHARE OF THE CHOCOLATE CAKE...
JUST ONE PIECE LEFT...
EAT IT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
EAT YOUR LOVE HONEY
AND EAT IT ALONE...
THIS IS YOUR YEAR...
2013 IS THE YEAR OF LOVE
LOVE OF YOU BY YOU....
LOVE OF YOU BY YOU...
WHAT A GREAT GIFT THE YEAR 2013 IS BRINGING YOU
CHERISH IT DARLING
CHERISH IT...
GET RID OF THE RUBBISH FROM YOUR LIFE
ALL KIND OF RUBBISH
AND PRESERVE THE LOVE
SAVE IT WITH YOUR LIFE.....
IT IS YOUR LIFE
YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR SELF IS YOUR BLOOD LINE...
WHAT ARE YOU WITHOUT YOUR OWN BLOOD...
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATH
AND THEN YOU WILL BE NO MORE
Your love is your blood
Your love for yourself is your red blood cells,,,
Keep them healthy...
Get rid of the garbage...

Please don't love garbage this year....
Please...please...please...please
For the love of God who gave you life
LOVE YOUR SELF.........
TIME HAS COME....
THE YEAR OF 2013 IS THE YEAR OF LOVE
LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR FOR THE LAST TIME
THE YEAR 2013 IS FOR YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE
AND I SAID,"NO ONE ELSE."
YOU HEAR ME?
YOU BETTER..........

DIARY OF A THOUGHT CONTINUES

So the cough stays

The cough is not going away

Not going away at all

Not going away ever

Nazar lug ghai haiy kisi ki

Yeh to purani bat haiy

You need to do something

Diseases are coming in droves

This one?

That one?

Maybe this one?

Maybe that one?

People wish all kinds of illnessess on others

Others they don't like

Others they are jealous of

Somehow the others who don't fit in their color or something

Why can't you put the bazar back on them?

Nazar is on them any way

I don't need to put it on them

They have no talent at all

All she does is show her boobs

Well thats a talent in itself

Boobs sell tickets

But she doesn't have great boobs

She thinks she does

Thats why she shows them

But they are sagging

She doesn't know that

She only knows that boobs sell

But not sagging boobs

She should go and get fixed

And he..

He is so ugly

So, so, so ugly

Ugly people shouldn't be on stage

Or there should be in the dark

But they light themselves very well

They don't know that they are ugly

How could that be possible?

They have to know

Ugliness shines brighter than all the stars

They know but they don't care

They just don't care

They are shameless

And they chase young girls like dogs

And all those young girls are harlots

They want a free meal

Free meal is very charming in the richest country of the World

"You can chase me you old fart but buy me dinner with vodka or whatever

Oh! how disgusting

They are disgusting

Drooling, drooling, really drooling over anything that can walk

'You disgust me."

"You disgust me"

"You disgust me"

You dog, your drooling and the young whore

Not even sexy

Not even smart

You have to be one or the other

Why is he drooling over her?

Because he is a dog

Dogs drool over anything

Oh! how disgusting

Since I hate dogs

How can I tolerate drooling dogs?

So many dogs

So many dogs in the park

And so many dogs on stage

And so many dogs backstage

Full of dogs

Who can't act

They are not there to act

They are there to drool over...whatever

They are dogs

Didn't you know that?

And the young ugly things are prostitutes

So they think they are at a brothel

And what do people do in brothels?

Well you know

I don't have to spell it out

Well their drooling caused me a fit of coughing

Disgusting fit of coughing

Coughing day and night after watching them in the brothel

All are Hue heifersAnd all the bitches are bunnies

bunnies who like a free meal

But why are they in theater?

Because thats where she shows her boobs

To get the dogs attracted

So she can go for a free meal after

She is going to be very fat soon

Her boobs will hang to her knees

And no free meals after that

The dog will chase some one else's boobs

But why all this is giving me fits of coughing?

Coughing going on all day and all night

Fits of coughing...

After watching the dog chasing the boobs

And the boobs chasing the dog for a free meal....

Fits of coughing after all that

Why?

Were you going to throw up while you were watching the dog and the boobs?

Yes, I was going to throw up but I controlled it

Why the hell did you control it?

You should have vomited right away after you watched the chase the first time

Sure you should have vomited to clear your throat

Since you resisted vomiting all that has stuck inside your throat giving you this horrible cough

Cough day and night

Night and day

You should have vomited

Now the vomit is stuck in your throat while the dog is still chasing and drooling

And the boobs are still stuffing herself with the free meal

And vomit is stuck in your throat

What a silly goose you are

You should have vomited on her boobs

You should have vomited on the dogs tail

Your throat would have been so clear

No cough at all

Next time a dog comes your way on stage under the light

Chasing a whore's boobs just get up, go on stage and vomit on them

Just vomit and take care of your health

You missed the chance

Doga nd the boobs are out of sight

And you can't vomit on them

And vomiting on them was the only treatment for your cough

Now God bless you and your cough

The cough is going to stay for a while

But at least you know what to do next time

Vomit on the whore's boobs and on the dog running after the boobs...

And there will be no cough at all

Not at all...

Now go to the doctor and spend a lot of money

While just the vomit would have taken care of it...

Why don't you learn for heaven's sake

Learn to vomit on dogs and whores and don't let it bother you....

Now keep coughing

Its your fault

You don't learn...

Do you?

Repeat the same shit over and over and over...

The moment you get your chance to take care of the abuse

Take an action

If you don't

Permanent cough will be the answer..

Go ahead cough now...

Go on....cough baby cough while the boobs eats her free meal

And the dog drools and drools and drools.....

DIARY OF A THOUGHT

Thoughts have been so scattered
But arnt' thoughts for scattering?

They go haywire when need to be composed
Like a human in rage...

How many times have I reminded you to be reserved and distanced?
"Cold" you mean?

Yes, thats what I mean
Not possible

How come?
Thoughts are too hot to be distanced

Heat is dangerous
For whom?

I don't know
You need to know

The heat is burning you
Burning you inside out

And its the heat of your own thoughts
You call it, "Passion"

But its stupidity, I say
If you want to remain,"Stupid"

Fine with me
But the burns will be left on your own soul

But my soul is parched already
And Can't be British

Its them who are always in control of their emotions and thoughts
And you?

I am Asian...
Look what they did to you....

Control and calm works
Rest is just screaming

No one is listening
People keep walking away...

People walk away from everything
Mostly from screaming people

I am not screaming
My thoughts are just too many

You can have a bundle of thoughts if they were tied up neatly
I don't have a rope to tie up my thoughts

And why would I do that?
I am not a free person on this planet, why should I prison my thoughts also?

Arn't you free?
Free?

Yes, free...
Who said so?

The constitution
You believe the constitution?

What else should I believe?
Believe nothing..

I have to live in this world, I have to believe something
Why do you have to believe something to live?

Isn't living believing?
Who said so?

Life should have a purpose
Don't you eat enough?

Yes, mostly gluten, dairy, sugar, soy, peanuts, corn,
Six deadly sins you perform by eating these things

But these things are in everything
Everything  touch and put it in my mouth

Is this your purpose in life to eat six deadly sins?
Let me know if there is another one...

Be reserve and distance and cold
Thats your purpose in life

Don't scream
Don't laugh too loudly
Don't become friends too quickly
Don't love any one
Don't go to the same cafe every day
Don't be with non actors
Don't talk to strangers
Don't love any one
Don't read the news papers
Don't believe the politicians
Wars are for good
Let people on this planet be slaughtered by war
Wars are liberating
They liberate the scum of the earth
Politicians are going to a party
Fund raising...
To have a new war
To built a new mansion for themselves
Private security
Lets kill a few thousand every six weeks
The World is too heavily populated
Lets clean it up
The poor people clean up the side walks
And the rich politicians clean up people from this earth...

See where you are going again?
Where am I going?

Your thoughts are out of control again
You are so un-like the British

They never let you know what they are thinking
Thats why they were so successful in making you their servant

In your own home
You need to be reserve, distanced and cold

And any time you talk war
Your thoughts have gone haywire

Thats the sign
Don't mention some words
Don't even think some words

Keep them under control
Words are dangerous

And they will never forgive you
Who?
"THEY"

So what should I do?
Keep quiet

And smile some times
But little smiles

No big ha;;ha;;ha;;ha
Just a little smile at the corner of your mouth

To keep the politicians happy
They will be happy for you

And then you can go to a hospital for free when you are dying
Keep quiet and then die

Thats the meaningful life
Thats the purpose of life

Keep quiet and make no vibes
And then?

Then what?
Then?

Die
Gee...

I came to this world to die?
What else?  Tell me what else?

And the British and the ones like them
Let them have wars and then have a party

Thats the purpose of their lives
And mine?

I told you so
What?

What?
Tell me again what's the purpose of my thoughts and my life?

To shut up and ...
And?

And then die,,,die,,die honey,,die,,,
You live in a democracy
You need to shut your mind and your God damned mouth
Now shut up

And no coughing please
Coughing is not allowed in a free country

Don't cough
No matter what

Choke to death if you can
But no cough

People who cough are poor
And you live in a rich democracy

Don't cough
That means you don't have health insurance

That means you are poor
That means you are a no body
That means that you have no purpose in life
That means that you can't speak
That means that you can't think
That means that you are one of the candidate for death by an Imperial war
That means that you and many others like you need to be eliminated
That means if you kept a check on your purpose in life and your thoughts
and smiled little smiles from the corners of your mouth to please them, to assure them
that you have no thoughts or if you have them they are under total control and you
are a reserve, distant and a cold person and not target for slaughter...

See thoughts are that important
Can't reveal your thoughts
The price you will pay is your life
But why not...
What is your life good for any way...
And since your life is no good
Neither is your thought
So why express your self with passion...
Passion?
What a dangerous word...
Look what happened to Oscar Wilde?