THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

There was a train
The train was moving
Moving fast
Then abruptly stops
I am now on the platform
Next is my mother, (deceased) coming off
"There is a big gap between the train and the platform, please be careful."
I warn my mother

Then comes out my young niece
Then another niece
We have arrived somewhere
It seems like we are in USA
The platform seems like one of those in small cities of USA
Desolate, narrow, with strangers....
And lots of luggage

But we don't have any luggage
It seems that way
'Where are we heading to?"
We have no idea
The dream doesn't give us that chance
It ends abruptly.....

Or it changes scenery

Now I am at an audition
There are many rooms
I think its an ad agency
I have a photo and resume
They don't pay any attention
Very formal
Many men
Many rooms
Many people

Women walking around
Men walking around
I am done
I leave
Never hear from them
Time passes

Then one day they call me for a job.I am thrilled
Telling everyone, "Oh! that big ad agency called me"
"Oh! I got a job with the big ad agency>" I am shouting
Like a beggar we are happy to collect some crumbs from the prosperous floors

A man in black encounters me
There are many rooms
There are many men
The man in black instructs me

Give a pair of scissors
'Is it a scissor commercial?"
I wonder
Then he gives me a folded sheet, pink in color
Then another sheet, blue in color

Then shows me a photo
In the photo there are many people, mostly men
In the middle of the photo is a man wearing pink
'This is the man you will stab withe scissots."
The man in black instructs me
'Stab?"
I say
'Yes, he says."

These scissors must be a prop.  " I think
But scissors are for real.
Then another big man gives me a bowl full of some thing very dark in it to hold.
'How am I going to be able to stab some one with my hands so full
I put everything down but the scissors.

Now all those men seem like big MAFIA MEN
Now the big long tables are being laid out withe lots of food on them.
I am very hungry
But no one offers me food.
I am still carrying the scissors.
Another man replaces my scissors
Te first pair had some pink color in them
The new pair is shining white

I don't like the second pair
'It would be much easier to stab the man withe the first pair."
I think out loud.
My hand had a better grip on the first pair

'The train is on Mulberry street."
They keep announcing the subway stops
The man I am going to stab is on the subway
'How am I going to kill him while he is riding in a subway car
And I am in this so called ad agency>?
I ask myself
Maybe the man will come here after he gets off the subway

But in my dream its very clear that I have to stab him withe new pair of shining scissors
in the subway car....
So maybe I am already in the subway car?
Maybe this is the train my mother and my nieces came off from
And I am still there and being given a task of a murderer
Maybe I never came off the train....
Only they did...my family...
I am still in danger
But this is a job, I think....
Am I not some kind of an actress?
But this seems real
I haven't acted for a long time....

In the dream I am suppose to kill some poor fellow
with the scissors while he is sitting in the middle of some strangers
in a fast moving train while I am in a strange room with very strange and dangerous men.....

But why my mother was in that very train in which I am going to kill some one?
And my poor mother who is dead will have to see her  respectful daughter committing a crime?
But thank god my mother is dead...................
She won't have to see her daughter's demise...............
But why did I see her coming off the train?
Because she must have come off........
I saw her
I was already on the platform.........................
Then we were ready to go somewhere...........
Somewhere...with my mother and my nieces............
Somewhere nice and eat some good lunch..........
Since I was starving in the dream
And no one offered me any food
While there was so much food in the room.........
So much food............
And no one offered me.................
I must be in USA
In USA no one offers any food to any one
They just keep eating....
They paid for it
They are the only one who will eat that food............
Back home we gave a lot of food to strangers when they were hungry..............

I was for sure not at home.............
I came off the train on a desolate platform in USA.......................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

ITS LATE IN THE DAY NOW
I HAVE FORGOTTEN MOST OF MY DREAM

But it was very dramatic
And I thought that I would quickly write it down
But alas!

This and that hapened
And it all evaporated
But it was something like this...

My elder sister was there
And then there was a beautiful young boy
Maybe her grandson
And we were having a wonderful time
Laughing and eating and chatting away
Mostly gossip....
Bad mouthing other people and relatives

And it was getting quite dark
And I wanted to take that little boy out
And my sister was totally against it
Because it was dark and gloomy outside
But that was the reason that I wanted to take us outside

I knew it was going to get gloomy inside as well....
It always happens in my dreams
Dark and depressing...
More and more now

People say, "You are getting old now."
"Oh! my dreams are getting dark and gloomy because I am getting old now?"
:Yes, they say."

People are nasty and un-happy
So they want to make others un-happy to ease their misery

"I am getting these heavy looking bags under my eyes."
I said to a woman I know
(Women are usually more nasty then men)
"Because you are getting old."
She said
'I fell down"
I said
"Because you are getting old."
She said
'I have no friends."
I said
"Because you are getting old."
She said.
"You have mentioned the word, "OLD" three times by now
in a very short breath of the time....
I asid
Walked away....
I have walked away from so many people after their rude remarks so often....
But I digress....

We were having a dream and there was a beautiful young boy in it
How come these nasty creatures, these unhappy women making un-pleasant comments came in?
Who knows...

But in the dream I took the young boy out
And he didn't seem so very young any more...

I mean young but not three years ...
He was now a great looking 12 or 13 year old
And a a dangerous looking, lecherous man wanted to kidnap
him....

And I was so frightened and so was the boy...
And the dangerous man forced us into dark alleys
and gutters and horribly deserted places and we screamed and screamed
For help and no one heard us and I was so scared of this man as well of my sister...

What am I going to tell her if god forbid I lose her son.....
My fear was ominous and complete
And I wanted to run and run and run but I couldn't...........
And I have forgotten the rest....

Thank god because the ending was not good
No, not good at all



.....

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

She was thereMy other sister
Qamar....

Young and beautiful
We were traveling somewhere
The night came
We had no night pyjamas

She opened her suitcase
She had night clothes for all of us
How thoughtful"  I said in my dream
'You knew everyone's size?"
"Yup" she said
"Its not so tough to know every one's size"
She said
"Weren't we born together?" she said

'Doesn't matter"  I said
'People forget."
'People forget everything"
'No love left, no affection left any more."

"Not with us"
She said
;Not with us."
"We will  be forever together and love each other"
She said.....

Then I woke up,,,,
We haven't heard from each other for years...
No one calls, no one cares.....
No one...........

Then I went to the bath room to pee
I am getting up often in the middle of the night to go pee........
And the pee comes like a rain storm...
Keep going...keep going
'Wow! I say...
'Who knew I had so much piss in me?"

Then I slept again
Thank god...
Because once I am up I can't go back to sleep

Then I dreamt another dream....
What was it?
What was it?
I can't remember
Can't remember at all..........
Not one image
None.....
But I swear I dreamt another dream....
I swear...
Can't remember.....................

THESE AWFUL DREAMS

it was me and Haroona
My sister....
And some one yelled,
"So and so is coming."

And we were always terrified of that name
And we ducked under the sink to hide
We were in some one else's room or house in South of France
And we felt that now we will have to go back without seeing nothing
And having no fun at all

Ten we were hidden in a car and some one was driving
And we were told that the driver was the one we were afraid of
And then we were much more afraid
Ten all of a sudden the driver turned his face towards us
And we were told that the driver wasn't the person we were afraid of....

And were being played upon again and again
And we were being frightened again and again
By some un-seen force and by some un-seen people
And then we were told that we can stay a little longer
And we were offered their place
The place where we have been very frightened.....

This was a second dream after I woke up and went to pee....
Before I went to pee was another dream

It was like we were rehearsing a play
There were lots of men in the group
Big men, Tall men, fat men wit bulging stomachs
They were part of a group but behaved as if they were
There on their own socializing in small little groups

They were always chatting amongst themselves And never sat in a circle facing me
I could not get their attention
They never shut up and never became one as a group
I tried so many times to get their attention
We had to start the rehearsal
The time was passing
The rehearsal room was booked for some particular time
And was given to someone else for another play

But the fat men chatted away
"Could we stop talking and begin?"
I said again and again but they won't hear me
They hardly ever noticed me
'Are they my actors?"
I desperately asked myself again and again
'And if they are, how come they are not listening to me?"
THEY WERE ACTUALLY NOT EVEN AWARE OF ME

But for sure in the dream we were supposed to rehearse
a play.....
And for sure in my dream it was my play
And for sure in my dream those were my actors
Those fat slobs
Those nonsense filled fat slobs were my actors
I was so ashamed in my dream.................
Te play never happened
Because it was never rehearsed
And then the time was up....................

Such a delight when printer is working without givig me tons of stress

A DREAM A DAY
A.K.A
WHILE BEING AWAKE
A
NEW PLAY
BY
BINA SHARIF

OPENS AT THEATER FOR THE NEW CITY
DECEMBER 1----21-2016

WHILE BEING AWAKE

Went to Tarraluchi

read Albert Camus's myth of Syssiphis

Had a spinach salad with orange slices and blue berries

with lemon dressing

'Art and nothing but art." Thats what Nietzsche said

'Without culture society would be a jungle"  'So any esthetic creation

is a gift for the future."  Camus said

Really enjoyed whatever I read.

This book I found in the street.

Some of the best books I have were found in the street

One time long time ago at night time I was walking

on Ave A and a nice black man, (Homeless) was selling books-on the street

and he called after me, "Miss this book is meant for you."'  He said

I came back and he was holding a small paper-cover in his hand

And it was, "Paris Spleen" by Boudalaire

I was aware of him and haven't read much of his work except some

parts of ,"Flowers of evil."

I decided to buy the book.

It was only one dollar

But he refused to take the money from me.

'This book is meant for you, take it as a gift."  He said

I will never forget it.

I wonder why he thought that this particular book was meant for me?

Maybe he knew that I was a poet

Or that I was interested in poetry

Or maybe he knew that I was an artist like him

After all I have been walking on Ave A and B for so very long time

I was just like him

Kind of homeless, contryless, friends-less, out of all elite groups

Walking alone always, always on the Avenues of America....

Which kind of trapped me and never let me go...

Now when I think of leaving I just fall down on the pavement and gets taken to

the emergency room instead of going back where once I also had a home

and parents and neighbors and friends and education and appreciation of that

education....

Now I am out of all kinds of grouping....

They categorize you here....

Asian, White, Black, Brown, Orange, Green, Yellow...

Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Christian, Catholic, Mormon, Buddhist, MUSLIM (And thats where the trouble lies)

The most shunned and hated group of them all....

I was watching the BBC news the other day and the news was...

"That Muslim women are the most hated and unemployed...

Incredible racism and prejudice exists against them."  The report said...

'Because they are women, Ethnic and mostly because of being  Muslim."  The announcer said....

What else is new?  I said to myself...

Every body hates Muslims now.

I went to the ground Zero the other day

I have never been there before

There were tons of tourists there and I know what all of them wee thinking...

"Look what Muslims did to us, our buildings and killed ruthlessly our innocent people."

I don't blame them

Its all true....

But still I didn't do that....

I felt so ashamed and guilty and siad to my husband..

'No wonder they hate muslims,"

So do you think after all that a muslim woman is going to have any friends in NYC?

My phone never ring

I see no one

No one comes knocking at my door.....

When I apply for any thing, a submission of any art work or a script

It has to be under the headline, "ASIAN" " SOUTH ASIAN"

They still reject me...

And reject me constantly and persistently...

Perhaps they think that I am a tall blond Swede Asian or not Asian at all just an alien of some kind.... and doesn't fit in the South Asian format or any format.
I was watching tv one day, (I am watching a lot of t right now because I have a fracture of my elbow...
fell down on the most immaculate foot path of this first world democracy where the construction of un-limited condos and the broken roads and pavements for sure seems like that one is in a third world country and trust me I know how the third world country's roads look, I am from the third world country and I am still in the third world country, I am not a lesbian so thats another third world thing...
'How dare you not be gay?"  'How come you want to be considered popular?"
"How come you want a gay critic come to yor straight man and a woman drama and give you a review?"
You are boring, yor gender is boring, your sexuality is boring, your religion is boring...not even boring, dangerous, dangerous....
Ok, stay home and sulk.
Let others eat the cake
Its a first world cake
Baked in the first world, white and yelling and screaming and hating every one else.....

They hate Trump
Oh! man do they hate Trump
What interests me about Trump is that how America hates him
Not only America hates him but the world hates him

Everywhere in this wide world people who have never even been here use the same words to hate him, the same exact words which the NYT uses and MSNBC and CNN uses....
This is how the world feels accepted by America
To talk the same exact way the majority talks....
No opinion of your own
Good or bad...
No opinion.
I watch Fox
I never used to
But now I do
Just to hear a word or two against Hillary
Afterall she can't be such an angel
No human being is an angel
Not her for sure
Neither her nor Trump

But you see no one ever say one good thing about Trump
Not one good thing
Afterall he won te primary
No one talks about that
No no one....

He never got in the club....
The club of politically correct elite intellectuals...
I just like to hear the story from both sides
The opposite point of view
One learns something from even the right wing and conservatives and the democrats
Why should one not open one's mind about the opposition?
Isn't this country about debate?
Freedom of speech...

BUt what I learned fromw atching all these channels is that if you don'twant some one for whatever reason, you are not going to let that person eneter your club and you are never going to say any thing good about that person no matter what, no matter how much that person might have achieved, no matter how many good things and bad things that person might have, you are always going to talk about the bad things about that person.

This is how you create an opinion in the world.
Now they all say that Trump hate Muslims.
But the bottom line is that everyone hates Muslims esoecially right now.
Hillary doesn't love Muslims
No way
No one does
They just keep their mouths shut
Thats all...
When the time comes they will go and kill all of them an the next war....

Hipocracy might be the name of this republic, not democracy...
And every one n this planet is racist about one thing or the other
But they just love to call the other the racist....

One day I was watching tv as usual and Danny De-Vito that funny actor from the tv show, TAXI
said to the rest of the panel people, (I don't remeber who else wa on the panel)  Mr> Devito said,
"Hey come n guys, the whole country is racist."

Since then other people's racism towatrds me doesn't bother me....
I learned from Mr. De Vito very fast that the whole country is racist.
Actually he forgot to say that the whole world is racists....

And as a wonderful playwright from Trinidad, Mustapha Matura who has lived in England for a long time said, " Racists by now must know that they are racists so I don't have to refer to whatever they say as racism."

When one is dark and one is little old and one is ethnic and one is from a country which is not popular and one is from a religion which is not popular and one's sexuality and gender is not popular
one expect to be liked ?

Come on wake up....Is this  another awful dream of yours or are you already awake?

'Oh! I see I am awake...fully awake...The title of this monologue or eassay or giberish, (Mostly giberish...thats what the mainstream would say to dismiss it ) IS WHILE BEING AWAKE....

OH! REALLY?
WAS THAT THE TITLE OF YOUR SRIBLE?
YES...
IT WAS CALLED, "WHILE BEING AWAKE...."

'Don't worry darlings, I don't fit in any format."

'Not your fault, never your fault, fault is all mine.

"DON"T YOU WORRY SWEETHEARTS."

'YOU ARE SO DEMOCRATIC PTESERVING THE HUMAN RIGHTS AND JUSTICE FOR ALL....

Right....

Black lives matter" didn't come in existence for no reason

Right?

Yes, right....

Go home...

Some thing tells me all the time...

"GO HOME"  "GO HOME"

Something used to whisper in my ears ad now its shouting in my ears, "GO HOME" "GO HOME"
Before its too late....

BUT ITS TOO LATE ANY WAY AND I AM HOMELESS LIKE THE HOMELESS MAN WHO GAVE ME A GIFT, 'PARIS SPLEEN BY BOUDALAIRE....

Now I have most of Boudalaire's books and I cherish them...

Thank god for books....

All-the dead writers are my friends....

I have so many friends

So many great people are dead....

The living are all screaming, killing, stealing, hurting, abusing others.........