COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES:

LIGHTS UP...DR MANSOORA IS STILL AT THE ORIGINAL PLACE AFTER HANGING UP THE PHONE:

DR MANSOORA:

I should get out of this business.  Its my conscious which keeps me tied to the under dogs of the

world...but I can't seem to get them off the hands of the murder husbands...I am failing fast...

I am a no good doctor...can't compete with abusive wife beaters....No way man...I can't...

He seems like mafia...he will come and break all my bones....

I want to die with my bones and teeth intact thats why I didn't marry...

Thats one good thing I did....and now I should do one more good thing for myself and

try my comedy show...after all I am a trained comedian with a certificate from RADA

Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts from London... All educated immigrants go to London first on their

way to America.

I am a first rate Comedian...When I came here and won some awards as a comedian people told me

that I remind them of PHYLLIS DILLER...I didn't know who she was...but I sensed she was some

 one famous and it was a great compliment to me...so I started to teach other un-trained comedians...

I already have two students...Jerry and Thomas....They are good but a bit lazy...they hardly are around

for  their lessons and if they are not ready we can't put up a show becuse they are part of the show...

and Me myself am so entangled with the abused, battred women that after dealing with them all day I

don't have any funny ideas in my head and you are no God damned comedian with no funny ideas in

your head...I don't have staff writers writing jokes for me...I write all my jokes...

Jesus...what a tough life.....

During the day listen to the tragic stories of damaged women and in the evening trying to get ready to

do a fabulous comedy show with the assistants who say they are very funny but have no time to

practice their craft because they have 9 to 5 jobs...

Well 9 to 5 job is the death of comedy.

I don't have a job and I am still dying here thinking of some funny jokes to entertain my audience who

will come in droves when we are ready....They are waiting for me...after all I am Phyllis Diller...

An Immigrant Phyllis Diller... That has a funny sound to it...Hi, And welcome to the comedy club,

ladies and gentlemen....We have Immigrant Phyllis Diller for you tonight...the greatest comedian ever

who doesn't really have a show for you....So sorry, so, so sorry, so sorry for that but we do have some

cookies from Tarralucci, $10 per cookie...thats some cookie....Ladies and gentleman...so hang on....

"Patience, my child Patience."  My mother used to say....

I am still waiting.....

COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES"

DR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE:

DR MANSOORA:

What?

What did you say?

Speak up, I can't hear you....

I can't hear you...

Oh! you can't speak?

He broke your jaw again?

Didn't he break your jaw last week/

How many jaws do you have darling?

Oh! Ok, Last week, he broke your wrist...

I see....

He breaks something every week...

He thinks your body parts are cheap dinner plats made in China....

China ...I said,

China....

No, no, I am not from China....

You know I am not from China...

I am your mental health Dr who treats abused women....

You know me...I am also your self help guru....

You can't hear me either?

What?  Did he smash your ears also?

He did....

Now your ribs are broken,

Your spleen is ruptured,

Your jaw is broken...

Where are you from?  Another planet?

Are you American?

Why am I asking when I know it already?

Because honey I want to remind you that you are an American....

You don't have to take the beating from your abuser, wife beater husband....

You can call the police....

Have you ever heard of 911?

Call the police...

Thats what police is for so you can call them when your husband beat the shit

out of you....

You want me to call?

Oh! NO.  You don't want me to call...

I am your self help guru...

Its my duty to call 911....

What did you say?

What?

Can't hear you...

Speak up...

Oh! you don't want me to call the police either....

You don't call...I don't call...You want to live with broken bones?

OH! YOU LOVE HIM....YOU LOVE HIM...

(Covers the phone and says it out loud)

She loves him....

She doesn't want him to go to jail....

Ok, keep him handy to break the rest of your bones but you have to pay me before you die....

Business is business....

How do you want me to pay my rent?

No, I don't live in Bushwick....

I live in Manhattan....

In the East Village....

And my office?

Where is my office?

In my house...(covers the phone, speak out loud)  In my shit hole....

Who can afford an apt and an office in Manhattan with patients like you who are on the verge of death

without paying me.....

My rent for my East Village apt was $75 and now its $4 thousand and seventy five....

all my patients are battered and damaged and they croke befiore I get the God damned check...

Oh! you don't have any money left for me?

Your darling husband bled you dry...

Great, just great...(Covers the phone)  And she still doesn't want to call the police...

Darling listen, your time is up....Yes its up....Your time....

So take a shit or get off the pot."  Its an American sentence....you must have heard of it....

You are American right?  And you have never heard of it?

Jesus....I am an Immigrant and even I know this one even when I suffer from

chronic constipation I still have to get off the pot...Shit or no shit....

Get up...kick him in the balls....save your remaining bones....

Oh! you love him....

Listen honey your time is up....

I have an appointment with my next damaged patient....

You can make love with him as much as you want ...that is if you can even pull your pants down

with your broken wrist...but I have to go.....Mail my check....I don't care from where...

Tell your husband to go rob a bank... He will go to jail and I will get my check. and you

will eventually get rid of him without you ever calling the police....

Didn't I tell you I am a great self help guru?

I trained with Deepak Mehta.....Deepak Mehta....The guru for the stars....Good night...

(Hang up the phone)  She has never heard of Deepak Mehta....the God of self help....

Poor thing is not very  awake....snd drifting into a coma of stupid love....sad...so so...sad....

MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF THE SCENE.

Your jaw is broken

((COMEDY NIGHT LIVE:

NOTE: (Maybe before the last scene ends, Mansoora can add a few more lines to her monologue)

And I keep waking up every morning....

in this hole.  A shit hole...A hell hole...A hole of all holes

without even a single tea bag.....Jerry.....Thomas....Jerry?  Thomas?

Do I have a tea bag in the house?  .  I have books...lots of them, Pinter,

Gogol,Byron,Tennessee,Beckett ...and some weared looking people here...

Talk to the Dummies or puppets on the chairs up stage)

"Who are you?"

'What are you doing in my house?"

"Hey, say something"

'Talk to me."

"You live in my house."

Some house.....

They don't say anything....

They are deaf and dumb

They never move

They just sit here

They say nothing...

No one else see them but me...

They just sit and stare at me...

Judging me...

Examining me....

Piercing me with their silence...

Their silence is poisonous

They dress strange

As if they are from a foreign country...

They came all the way to find out if I have a tea bag or not.....

(Looks at them and screams)

No, I don't have a tea bag....Take a gun and shoot me...ok?

MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF SCENE.

NEXT SCENE:

Dr MANSOORA SITTING DOWNSTAGE A LITTLE BIT TO THE RIGHT
ON A CHAIR WITH A SOMEWHAT LARGER TABLE IS INFRONT OF HER WITH BOOKS, NOTE BOOKS, PEN, FLOWERS IN THE VASE, A CANDLE, AND AN OLD FASHIONED TELEPHONE,(LAND LINE TYPE)
MUSIC FADES, LIGHTS UP, SHE IS ON THE PHONE:

DR MANSOORA:







MUSIC, LIGHT FADES, END OF THE SCENE

NEXT SCENE:

COMEDY NIGHT LIVE CONTINUES

Now I have to become my own servant.  Like mother used to say,"Beware

of your fate...You could have been them."  Now I am one of them.  I am my own servant.  I have to

make my own tea..."Necessity is the mother of invention."

I heard this sentence before but I don't know who said it....

Dale Carnagie perhaps....

Who is Dale Carnagie?

He wrote self help books....

Oh! the one every immigrant child reads before they immigrate...

Yes, that one....

He says its up to you to make it and in America if you want you can really make it.

You invent your goals, needs, desires and you move on and achieve but its only possible in America

and no other country

So all those children who read Dale Carnagie,s books dream America all day long and all night long

and one day they somehow make it to America and do the construction work if they are lucky or just

get arrested by being illegal.

Oh! Well thats not a very good self help book, is it?

It didn't tell you that you would just go to jail or hang up tied to a rope on the 90th floor of

building cleaning windows when the temperature is below zero and drop dead by falling on the ground or drop dead by freezing to death.

Gee thats not a very healthy self help scenario....No its not.

One has to get to Harvard to have a job which is indoors.

And if you are with US Senate, thats also an indoor job and if you have those jobs you neither

fall off a high rise or freeze to death.

Dale Carnagie didn't clear that up for sure. Dale wasn't talking about the rich kids of rich corrupt

leaders of the 3rd World who could get to Harvard without a sweat....All stolen money....

Dale was talking about the poor kids, Piss poor but ambitious with desires and determination but

no fucking money.....

Dale was always telling them that Lincoln was the son of a carpenter and look he ended up

becoming the president of USA.

Yes, Dale said that.  I even read that and I think my reason to come to USA was that particular

sentence.

'Even if you are the son of a carpenter you can become the president."

'Lets go to America man....What are we doing here in the country of disease, Cholera, Flies, broken

roads, no heat, no electricity"

'Lets go and become the president or a star"

I also read  that if you are a carpenter you can become a star.

Like you come to build the bookshelves or shelves in the kitchen and the superstar producer who lives

in that house watches your handsome physique, your biceps and your triceps, he can think, "OH!

this young man can be an actor in my film, an actor who builds shelves and you become an instant star.

And that happened to Harrison Ford when he was building shelves in Steven Spielberg's house....

"See it can happen but only in America....."

Thats what Dale Carnagie said.

And you come to America and look for Steven Spielberg,s house and then you look for Dale's house a

and find none of those houses and if you are lucky, you find a job cleaning windows and die and move

on.....

You come here to move on because every one else is moving on...

"Move on you bitch, move on.  You are so God damned slow and blocking my way, move on and

fuck you bitch."

But you see if you a woman you can,t be on the high rise cleaning windows....Because its a man's job

You have to be a man like jesus christ and like harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg and Dale Carnagie

They are all full fledged men....

So I guess the self help book's advice was not for a woman.

And I fucking read all those books and came here looking for all those positive, successful

determined minds but ended up on the busy side walks where every Tom, Dick and Harry is

crushing your ribs to death.

I love this sentence also.  "Every Tom, Dick and Harry."

I read that also somewhere before I came here.

See the damage of reading.............

And I read and read and I am so damaged.

Got retired without ever having a job.

That's actually brilliant.

'Hey, I am reading books because I am retired."

"Retired from what?"

'Retired from nothing." "And go fuck yourself too and tell me how many people can do that?"

Only a smart immigrant....a smart smart immigrant woman.

Every Tom, Dick and Harry is bothering me as if I am an Identity thief.  I am me...honey...I am me...

Still an immigrant, still un-employed and now retired and now reading  CAMUS AND SARTRE...

No Tom, Dick and Harry should be allowed to bother me.

Thats not part of an American dream.

American dream is to not let any one bother you...Instead you have to bother them.

Like mayor Koch said, "I don't get ulcers, I give them."

Well that was a man.  A man amongst men. Upfront, unafraid moving on.

But I keep moving on with headaches, mine and other battered, damaged humans...

and I don't even have a fucking tea bag........

MUSIC, LIGHTS FADE, END OF THE SCENE

"COMEDY NIGHT LIVE"

A

NEW PLAY

BY

BINA SHARIF

Copyright: binasharif 2013

CHARACTERS:

DR MONA MANSOORA AL ATIB SHEIKH: (A MENTAL HEALTH COUNCELER 

                                                                                FOR ABUSED WOMEN)

A SELF HELP GURU

AN ADVISER ABOUT NUTRITION

A PART TIME COMEDIAN AND A TEACHER OF COMEDY

JERRY: Dr Mansoora's assistant, and student studying comedy with Dr Mansoora

THOMAS: Mansoora's assistant, and student studying comedy with Dr Mansoora

TIME:  PRESENT

PLACE:  MANHATTAN, DOWNTOWN EAST VILLAGE

SET:  SLEEPING AREA, SIMPLE AND MINIMAL UO STAGE CENTER

          A NICE SIZE TABLE DOWNSTAGE WITH ONE CHAIR

           TWO CHAIRS DOWNSTAGE RIGHT

            TWO SMALL CHAIRS UPSTAGE CENTER A LITTLE FAR FROM THE BED.

PROPS:  LOTS OF BOOKS, NEAR THE SLEEPING AREA AND ON THE TABLE.

                TELEPHONE OLD LAND LINE STYLE, A COFFEE MUG

                 A LITTLE COFFEE TABLE NEAR THE SLEEPING AREA WITH FLOWERS AND A CANDLE.

FLOWERS ALSO ON THE TABLE DOWNSTAGE.

PPRE SET:  CANDLE LIT, DIM LIGHTS ON THE BED.

WHEN THE PLAY BEGINS CANDLE STAYS LIT AND Dr Mansoora is  in bed

TWO MEN ARE SITTING ON THE CHAIRS UPSTAGE RIGHT, VERY LITTLE LIGHT ON THEM.  AT RISE, CLASSICAL MUSIC (maybe Braham;s symphony no 12) playing

THE MUSIC EVENTUALLY GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, MEN GETS UP COME NEAR THE BED AND IN SLOW MOTION STAB THE SLEEPING FIGURE...THEY REPEAT THIS IN STYLIZED SLOW MOTION GESTURES A COUPLE OF TIME....MUSIC GOES SOFTER, THEY GO BACK AND SIT IN THEIR CHAIRS....

CLASSICAL MUSIC FADES, SOUND OF CHIRPING BIRDS IS HEARD AND AFTER A WHILEI FADES AND NORTH AFRICAN MUSIC BEGINS AND PLAYS FOR A WHILE

AND WE THEN FEEL THE SLEEPING FIGURE WAKENING.... SHE WAKES UP BUT STILL IN BED CALLS FOR SOME ONE.....

DR MANSOORA:  (During this whole talk the North African Music is still playing)

Fatima....Fatima....Chi lao...gharam gharam... Main uth ghai hun.  Fatima....Fatima...bring me tea.

hot, hot tea.  I am up.  (There is no answer)

(She repeats)

Fatima...Fatima...chai lao, gharam,,,gharam...mein uth ghai hun.  Fatima....Fatima...bring me tea...

hot, hot tea.  I am up.  (No answer)

Oh! Every day the same story.  Servants just don't listen  They pay no attention.  Its all our mother's fault.  She doesn't want us to think of them as servants.  She says, "THey are family members beta"

Have fear of God in you.  You could have been in that position."

Now the servants are so spoiled especially this one, Fatima our very well dressed Pashmina clad servant...I have to yell and scream every morning for tes...(Screams)  Fatima...kider mur ghai ho?

Chai kahan ghai?  Fatima are you dead?  What happened to my bed tea?   Fatima........Fatima...

(no answer)

MANSOORA FINALLY GETS OUT OF BED, LOOKS AROUND, LOOKS AT HER SELF

IS QUITE CONFUSED, LOOKS AROUND AGAIN, FINALLY REALIZES WHERE SHE IS..

MANSOORA:  Oh1 Jesus Christ, I am not at my parents home, there is no parents home any more,

                         I am in this hole in the fancy world called MANHATTAN and there is no Fatima

                         I am Fatima, I am my own servant, mother was a visionary, "It could happen to you.

                         you could be in their position.  You have to treat the servants as family."

NOW i HAVE TO BE MY OWN FAMILY AND MY OWN SERVANT.  I HAVE TO MAKE 

MY OWN TEA. My mothers curse on me perhaps for leaving her behind.  Oh! well I can't think about it so early in the morning.  The whole night is for scary thoughts.  Right now I need tea.

(Gets up and look for a tea...every where)  Oh! God, No servant and no tea. (Looks again every where

on the bed, under the sheets, on the table, amongst the flowers, on the chairs, inside of books...screams)

Jerry....Thomas....Jerry...Thomas...screams...music gets louder and louder, Music fades,

DALE CARNAGIE MONOLOGUE. MUSIC, LIGHTS....

ON THE PHONE WITH AN ABUSED WOMAN PATIENT.

SCENE BETWEEN MANSOORA AND JERRY

THOMAS WALKS IN WITH FOOD FROM WHOLE FOOD.

NEXT SCENE:

DR MANSOORA AL SHEIKH, A SELF HELP THERAPIST FOR WOMEN ONLY CONTINUES:

DR MANSSORA: (On the phone to a patient)

Hi, how are you honey?

Oh! you can't talk.  You have a broken jaw?

Again?

You fell down the stairs again?

(To her assistant Jerry)

Thats what they all say..."I fell down the stairs)  Even if they have no stairs

in the apts, they are always falling down the stairs.

(On the phone again)

He broke your jaw again?

How many jaws do you have?

Tell him that your jaw is already smashed, he should think of hitting you somewhere else.

Oh! you can't talk?  You can't?  Can't hear you...Speak up...

Oh! you can't speak...But you still have to pay me.  Thats the agreement...you have to pay me

for this hour because its your hour and if he puts you in the grave you still have to pay me.

Business is business....Money honey, money...How do you think I pay for this apt in Manhattan?

You don't live in Manhattan, you have no Idea...I need people like you to pay my rent.

It was $ 75 once and now its $75oo.

I need lots of people like you to pay that kind of money.

You have any other lady friends whose husbands are willing to kill them?

Oh! you have no friends.  Thats the way your husband wants it.  (To the assistant Jerry)

Isolation.  Its called.  Alienation from the society.  Keep them locked up and depressed.

Send them often to the doctors for anxiety and vague illnesses, get them on Xanax...

Paxcel,  treat them for hysteria...."Hysteria...in the old days was considered a dangerous disease...

Every male doctor called his young un-married girl friend or sister "HYsterical"

And thats how the doctors made money...while the answer was, "SEx" and only "'Sex"

If women were free sexually, hysteria disappears.  But men have mistresses plus wives

and wives are never as sexy as a mistress, so they are with the mistress instead of the wife and

when they come home and if the poor thing ever opens her mouth or the dinner is not ready, they just

beat the shit out of her...

(To Jerry)  Jerry, you married?

JERRY:  You know I am...

MANSOORA:  so you have a wife?

JERRY:  Of course...

MANSOORA:  You beat her up?

JERRY:  No, she beats me up....

MANSOORA:  Where is she from? Another planet?

JERRY:  She is from here...New England...

MANSOORA:  Oh! she is a money wife?

JERRY:  She has some...

MANSOORA:  So you take the beatings for money?

JERRY: yeh! kind of...Then I can take my mistress out for a meal with that money....

MANSOORA:  The mistress beats you up too?

JERRY:  Sometimes...

MANSOORA:  You enjoy the beatings?

JERRY:  Its kind of fun......

MANSOIRA:  Why don't you become my patient also.  I usually treat women only

but you are a potential candidate for victimhood.

JERRY:  I dare disagree...because if you enjoy something then you are not a victim...

               Victims suffer...

MANSOORA:  Thats the discussion we need to have over lunch....By the way where is Thomas?

JERRY:  Went shopping...

MANSOORA:  WENT SHOPPING WHILE HE IS WORKING AND GETTING PAID?

JERRY:  Went shopping for you....

MANSOORA:  Oh! What is he buying?  He is been gone a long time

JERRY:  Went looking for organic food for you.

MANSOORA: I like processed food, its cheaper and I trust no body.  Why a business man

give me real organic food while he can put the processed one in the organic bag and charge me

twenty times more...how am I going to prove that its not organic?  Take him to court for my non

organic carrot in an organic plastic bag?

I like being fat.  I am never going to be slim again.  Organic or no organic....where is Thomas?

JERRY:  Shopping....

MANSORA:  Can't go shopping while he is working...so who is going to get me coffee now?

JERRY:  I will do it.

MANSOORA:  Arn't you cooking?

JERRY:  There is nothing to cook.  Thats why Thomas went shopping.

MANSOORA:  Too bad we can't eat out all the time.  If many more husbands beat the shit out of their

wives and all those wives with broken noses were my patients only then we could eat out in this fancy

hampton style neighborhood.

Its amazing, here I am a doctor for mental health, a self help guru and tell my patients to get out of the

grip of abuse and then I want more beaten up women calling me so I can gorge on farm fish in fancy

resturants and get fat and fatter....but what are we going to do Jerry, what are we going to do to

pay the rent, to eat, to go to the movie?  We are not Jay Lenno and David Letterman to get couple

million dollars just to call our selves comedians where we don't even have to write our own jokes...

may be thats an Idea, we should do our own Comedy show, COMEDY NIGHT LIVE, I will write the jokes and you will deliver them.... Can you deliver JerrY?

JERRY:  I can deliver...I can deliver...I was a delivery boy...I was...Yes, I was a delivery boy for
Jerry Lewis......(Thomas walks incarrying a whole food bag)

(To  Thomas)  And you were a delivery boy for Thomas Mitchell?

THOMAS:  Yes, he was my uncle.....

MANSOORA:  Right, and I am a sister of Audery Hepburn....And what did you buy?

(He puts the bag on the table, she takes packeges out and starts to talk about, FAT, SUGAR AND

SALT CONTENTS IN THE ORGANIC FOOD)

DOCTOR OF PHONE THERAPY MANSOORA

( Doctor helps her patients on the phone about mental health, how to deal with people, what to eat, how to be nice without ever being involved etc...etc..etc)

DOCTOR MANSOORA ON THE PHONE TALKING TO ONE OF HER PATIENTS

Why should you under any circumstances show strong emotions to all Tom, Dick and Harry?

And all of them are Tom, Dick and Harry.

Smile and mind your own business.  Your own benefit must be on top of your list.

You and only you matter.

Then comes the relatives.

And then comes every one else.

Why must you waste energy, emotions, patience, strength,character, warmth, honesty, feelings on

useless  masses and trust me they are all a huge useless mass.

Don't ever be too kind.

No body gives a shit about you being gracious.

People use people and then they forget all past kindnesses.

The way to live is to love no one.  You hear.

No one.  I said.  First and foremost love your self and your time is up.

Talk to you next week.

Honey I have another appointment.  This is my business.

Every minute counts.  Every minute is money.

Its like the show business.  Movie making business.  Every second costs $5oo.

Next week baby, next week.

Oh! your husband is going to beat you up tonight?

So what can I do?

Let him beat you and call me next week.

I said call me next week and we will talk about your broken arms...

(Gets off the phone)

To herself)  Leave him, he is a piece of shit but if you want to be a permanent victim

its good for me...my income depends on your victimhood.

I told her billions of times to kick him in the balls and kick him out but she doesn't want to call the

police...

Why?

Because she loves him and wants me to take care of the abuse.

I am ...Its my income.

But I never ever not advice her to get rid of him...but alas...love is a many thorns

near the rose buds.

(Picks up the phone)

Hi....

And how are you today?

Good, good....one day in the life of a wife where sge didn't cook and is now

scared shitless that he the husband will come and break all the empty dishes.

Honey call him and tell him to bring some thing from Macdonalds or taco bell

Tell him, that you had shoulder ache from the injury you sustained the last time you didn't cook

so there is no dinner ready...call him before he tutn that key in the keyhole and give you a black eye.

(To herself)

You see these ladies are willing to give me money for advice but they don't take my advice.

Thats a perfect picture of being a victim and an abused person.

And I have a PHD in helping the abused women especially dealing with domestic violence.

But they need to listen and act on it but they like it some how ....dependency its called)

So what were you saying?

Go to a movie...don't wait for him to beat you up...go...To Sunshine cinema...

Thhere is a great murder mystery playing, its called, Murder in the Bronx....

I loved it.

I live all thats why I can handle murder mysteries....Go see the film...You will be grateful that you are still alive....

Broken bones?

Well who cares?

Oh! you do care...you do care...so do something damn it....

Oh! I need to help you do that?

Ok, come to my clinic...yes its in my house...who can afford an apt and an office in Manhatten?

Come to my house and give me the written permission yo call the police.

Oh! the police doesn't do anything....well thats another matter...

Call a woman police officer.

Oh! you did...What did the woman police officer tell you?

Oh! she said she can't do anything about this particular problem because her husband beats her up too.

Jesus.....men love to beat and the women love to get the beating and thats the bottom line.,,

Time is up....

Ok, if you are bleeding then call 911....call them...thats what they are for...call 911...

They will come...I promise you, they will...

That I can't say...if they don't do anything...then I can't help you...I am not the boss of the police.

I am just a therapist for the abused women.

No, thats my speciality.....no I don't deal with men...no way...

What do you want?

Get my ribs broken.....

Time is up.....enjiy the tacos.....for a change.

Let him get used to bring tacos home....

He will get uses to it....

He likes to eat?

Yes, then don't cook.....

He has to eat......

(talk to herself)