Tuesday, December 6, 2022

REFLECTIONS OF KARIMA ULLAH

REFLECTIONS OF KARIMA ULLAH.

KARIMA'S WHOLE FAMILY HAD PLENTY OF GOD GIVEN GIFTS.

1: GREAT CHARACTER

2;  GREAT TALENT

3: GOOD LOOKS

4: CULTURAL INTERESTS

5: LOVE OF LIFE

6: GREAT EDUCATION

THE TRAGEDY WAS THAT WE HAD NO IDEA OF SOME OF OUR INCREDIBLE GIFTS.

AND SOME OF THOSE BRILLIANT ATTRIBUTES WE WASTED BECAUSE WE HAD NO IDEA

 THAT THOSE WERE OUR AMAZING ASSETS.

AS WE MOVED INTO FOREIGN LANDS, WE WERE PUT INTO A GROUP, "MINORITY."

THE WORD, "MINORITY" LITERALLY MEANS SECOND TO THE MAJORITY, LESS THAN

 MAJORITY, DEFECIENT IN CERTAIN ABILITIES, CAN'T POSSIBLY ACHIEVE WHAT

 MAJORITY ACHIEVES. NOT PART OF THE POPULAR GROUP. CAN'T MOVE FORWARD

 WITH EASE AND SPEED. CERTAIN, PRIVALEDGES WON'T BE ACCESSIBLE TO THEM AS

 THEY ARE FOR THE POPULAR GROUP CALLED MAJORITY.

IF ANY ONE FOLLOWS THE MAJORITY TRADITIONS, THEIR BELIEF, THEIR LINE OF

 POLITICS,

 THEY, MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET SOME CRUMBS THROWN AT THEM AND SINCE THEY

 WOULD BE GIVEN SOME CRUMBS, THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE THANKFUL AND BE

 OBLIGED TO

 THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVESAND,  IF THEY ARE STILL OBEDIENT, 

ONCE IN A WHILE,

 THE POWERFUL MAJORITY WOULD STILL THROW A BONE AT THEM TO MAKE THE

 DOGS HAPPY.  WE WHO WERE FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE WORLD DIDN'T REALLY

 UNDERSTAND

 HOW THE MJORITY V/S MINORITY SYSTEM WORKS WE KEPT BEING POLITE WHICH WAS

 THE MAIN INGRIDENT ABOUT OUR CHARCTER.

NOW LET'S ELABORATE ON THIS GREAT QUALITY CALLED, CHARACTER.

WE, THE WHOLE FAMILY WAS EXTREMELY POLITEBECUSE OF OUR CHARACTER. WHICH

 HAD

 GRACE, HUMBLENESS, KINDNESS, GENEROSITY, EMPATHY, SENSITIVITY FOR OTHERS,

  FEAR OF THE DIVINE POWER, LOVE OF FAMILYAND GREAT  SOCIAL ABILITY.

SINCE OUR CHARACTER WAS SOLID, WE PERHAPS UN-KNOWINGLY SOUGHT PEOPLE

  WHO WERE A

 BIT LIKE US BUT HAD DIFFICULTY FINDING THEM. I AM SURE THERE WERE PEOPLE OF

 GREAT CHARACTER IN THE LANDS WHERE WE SETTLLED BUT WE COULDN'T FIND

 THEM BECAUSE WE WERE SEEKING PEOPLE EXACTLY LIKE OURSELVES, HUMBLE AND

 KIND AND GIVING AND LOVING...

BUT PEOPLE IN THE SO CALLED FREE WORLD WERE REALLY FREE. MOST OF THEM

 WERE TOTALLY FREE OF BEUING HUMBLE...TO THEM BEING HUMBLE MEANT ,

 "VICTIMHOOD." AND THE WORD VICTIM IS A TOXIC WORD, AT LEAST IN OUR NEW

 ADOPTED CULTURE WHERE PEOPLE PRACTICED THEIR CULTURE FULLY ND WE TRIED

 TO BE PART OF THE

 NEW CULTURE AND STILL FOLLOWING THE REMAINS OF OUR CULTURE FROM THE

 PAST BUT THAT DIDN'T WORK. WHEN WE WERE IN OUR PAST AND STILL BEING IN OUR

 PRESENT WE ENCOUNTERED FOG WHICH ENVELOPED US LIKE A HUGE CLOUD, DARK,

 GREY ND WET CLOUD. WE COULDN'T SEE CLEARLY, SO WE WOULD SWITCH  FROM THE

 CONFUSION AND GO DANCING

 AND IN MANY PLACES WE WEREN'T ALLOWED...WHY? WE WOULD ASK OURSELVES,

 WITHOUT HAVING ANY ANSWERS...SINCE WE WERE VERY SOCIAL, WE WANTED TO

 HAVE

 FRIENDS TO CONVERSE WITH. 

BACK HOME WE WERE CONSIDERED,

 "CONVERSATIONALISTS." WE STILL THOUGH THAT WE WERE WITTY, FULL OF HUMOR

AND  STILL,  CONVERSATIONALISTS." YES, WE DID AND TO OUR SURPRISE WE DIDN'T

 HAVE

 PEOPLE OF  GREAT CALIBER TO CONVERSE WITH. SINCE WE WERE HIGHLY EDUCATED,

 WE

 WERE NOT AMONGST A GROUP OF EDUCATED PEOPLE. WE WERE CONSIDERED

 ORDINARY, YES,

 THAT'S OK TO BE ORDINARY BUT WE COULDN'T CONVERSE WITH THE STRUGGLING

 LABOUR CLASS, HAVING NO DISLIKE ABOUT THEM BUT WE WERE NEVER CONSIDERED

 ORDINARY BACK HOME, THUS PEOPLE OF NO IMPORTANCE. BACK HOME EDUCATION

 WAS AN INCREDIBLE ASSET AND WE

 WERE MORE THAN EDUCATED. WE WERE HIGHLY WELL READ ND WELL AWARE OF THE

 VALUE OF EDUCATION. BUT HERE IN FOREIGN LANDS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST WAS

 ESSENTIAL. AND POOR DECENT FOLKS WERE DOING MANUEL LBOUR ND HIGHLY

 PROFESIONAL CLAN WAS NOT IN DOWN TRODEN DOWNTOWN., THEY WERE WITHE THE

 POLITICIANS AND ROYALS MINGLE WITH MILLIONAIRES SHARING THEIR PRIVATE

 PLANES AND YOUNG LADIES,

 AND YACHTS,.

 LOTS OF MONEY AND STATUS WAS ESSENTIAL HERE TO HAVE

 SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATIONS. BUT WE ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND

 SOPHISTICATED? WE CAN HAVE CONVERSATION WITH THE ONES ON CNN? HOW COME

 WE ARE NOT INVITED? WE How are you?VE GREAT KNOWLEDGE, OPINIONS AND SKILL

 OF BEING CONSULTANTS OF ALL KINDS.

WE WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED ABOUT OUR DOWNTRODDEN SITUATION.WE WOULD

 THINK...WHY NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION?

WE WERE SO NAIVE AND SO NICE, SO POLITE AND SO DOWN TO EARTH WITHOUT

 KNOWING THAT THOSE GOOD VALUES OUR PARENTS TAUGHT US WERE NOT GOOD

 THINGS TO BE PROUD OF,  HOW MANY MILLIONS DO YOU HAVE?  WHICH PARTY DO YOU

 BELONG TO? DO YOU FOLLOW THE ARTY LINE? DO YOU REALLY KISS ASS?

BUT WHY SHOULD WE KISS ASS? WE ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND WE SHOULD BE

 RESPECTED FOR THAT. NOT HERE, WHERE IS YOUR MANIPULATING ASSET?WHERE IS

 YOUR CUNNING?

WHERE IS YOUR CRIMINAL AND SMART INSTINCT WHERE YOU CAN MAKE TONS OF MNEY BY CUTTING CORNERS. YOUR MERIT, EDUCATION? GIVE ME A BREAK...

BUT ACTUALLY THE FAULT WAS ALL OURS. WE HAD FORGIOTTEN COMPLETELY THAT GOD ALMIGHTY HAD ENDOWED US WITH INCREDIBLE MIND AND TALENT. WE COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT AND BOUGHT THE FALSE AND UPWARDLY MOBILE STORY OF SUCCESS WHICH COMES WITH CONNECTIONS OF OTHER UPWARDLY MOBILE RUTHLESS GROUPS. BUT WE WERE NOT RUTHLESS...AND COULD NEVER BE...

THAT WAS OK, THAT WAS AGREEABE TO US, OUR CHARACTER. WE WWERE VERY PROUD OF OUR NON-CRIMINAL, NON-OFFENSIVE, NON THREATENING, NON-AGGRESSIVE, HUMBLE, POLITE, KIND, GENEROUS, TRUSTING CHARACTER AND THAT VERY CHARACTER WHICH WE WERE SO PROUD OF, WHICH WAS GRILLED IN OUR BONES BY OUR PARENTS AND ANCESTORS, WE COULD NEVER CHANGE THAT AND WE DIDN'T WANT IT FIR A SECOND. KARIMA ULLAH WOULD NEVER FORGET WHEN AT A VERY YOUNG AGE

HER FATHER TOLD HER AND HER YOUNG BROTHERS AND SISTERS THAT, "YOUR GOOD CHARACTER IS THE ONLY THING YOU WILL TAKE WITH YOU WHEN YOU DIE AND GOOD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WILL ONLY REMEBER YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR CHARACTER.

BUT THE SADDEST THING KARIMA ULLAH AND THE REST OF HER SIBLINGS NO MATTER WHERE THEY SETTLLED WOULD NEVER FORGIVE THEMSELVES FOR NEVER REMEBERING, ALWAYS FRGETTING THAT GOD GAVE THEM INCREDIBLE TALENT, TALENT WRTH OF ALL THE GOLD, TALENT WORTH OF ALL THE PEARLS AND DIAMONDS,

TALENT WORTH OF ALL THE PRIVATE PLANES AND BOATS AND BOASTS...THEY FORGOT

 THAT...WHEN THEY WERE BEING DENEGRATED IN FOREIGN LANDS AS INFEREIOR

 PEOPLE, AS MINORITY...THEY FORGOT THAT THEY HAD TALENT...AMZING TALENT,

 AMAZING WIT. AMZING HUMOR, AMAZING ABILITY TO GET AHEAD, FAR, FAR AHEAD,

 AHEAD THAN ANY GOD DAMN PERSON OF FORTUNES ACQUIRED BY LOOT...

THEY DIDN'T REMEBER, NOT AT ALL, AS IF THEY LST THEIR MEMORY COMPLETELY AND

 JUST GAVE UP AND STAYED COMPLETELY ISOLATED, SORROWFUL, REGRETTING THEIR

 SAD MOVE TO THE FOREIGHN LANDS AS LESS THAN OTHERS, AS PART OF A GROUP

 WITHOUT EVER ACTIVELY EVER JOINING THAT GROUP CALLED,  "MINORITY." THEY

 NEVER JOINED THAT GROUP, THEY NEVER PAID ANY FEE TO JOIN THAT GROUP. THEY

 WERE FORCEFULLY ADDED TO THAT GROUP, NO CONSENT NECESSARY.

KARIMA ULLAH ALWAYS HATED THE WORD, "MINORITY."


Monday, December 5, 2022

PERFECT AND PERFECTLY ALONE

 PERFECT AND PERFECTLY ALONE.

Don't you understand?

This will not involve any one

And when I say, anyone?

It means every one.

It's going to be totally private...

No intrusions

All excluded...

Answer me this...

Would you allow people in your bathroom while you are bathing

Or involved in other necessary stuff?

This one is private...as private as it can get...

As private as your sorrow, as your pain, as your happiness,

As your sorrow, as your loss...as your disappointments, your anxiety

As your hopes...

Don't discuss it with any one...

Don't expect people to understand it...

There might be some people out there who will get it, who will understand it,

Who will feel for it, who will be sensitive towards it,

But you don't know those people...You How are you?ve no idea where they are?

You don't have their email, you don't have their number,

You need not need their inclusion.

No one's 'INCLUSION" is necessary.

This is about, 'EXCLUSION."

Exclusion of the unknown to the unknown...

It's a project of loneliness, a lone subject matter,

Vey hard to understand,

Vey hard to comprehend, vey hard for busy, busy people...

PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST PEOPLE BUT NOT YOUR PEOPLE.

They have no understanding of what you are creating...

Not interested...

Why include some one in such an intimate project who is the least interested...

Once and all it need to be understood.

It's under no obligation of any one involved...

It's to be done quietly in your own private eye, under the umberella of complete privacy.

Never to be shared. Never to be questioned. All to be written by you all alone...

Keep it hidden under your own privacy. It has a privacy code...

Must be respected...

What's the point?

You tried it, you did, for so long... far too long and now You learned, hopefully you did...

And if you haven't there is no point of starting any thing, anything of substance, anything of character,

Any thing lasting, anything moving, anything worthwhile.

Thank god you have finally learned that your project has to be completely solo.

Thank god if you have learned a lesson after such trauma, so much waste, so much loss of precious

 time...so much un-necessary pain...

How the answer came to you. You have been looking for so long, so, so long.

Now you have the answer...

If you don't obey the answer now, all your yearly search will have no meaning...

What's the point of your long lost search if you don't pay attention to the answer.

You are very lucky, very blessed by the powers, powers of your ancestors who prayed for you...

You are blessed...many people search all their life without a clue, without a solution without even a hint

 of an answer...Thos people must not haveany ancestors, the ones who will pray for them...

Those un-fortunate people...Thank god you are not one of them.

You had great ancestors...all gone now...not seen by you but seeing you, praying for you...

Your eyes, your ears, your faculties were given to you so you can use them and appreciate what you

 found eventually. Door aid, drust aiy...what comes at the end is the right one...they say. Believe it...

Don't put your search of your life time into the gutter. Be smart. You are an educated and sensitive

 person. I don't really know you but I sense you, I smell you, I taste you. You have a smell of lilac,

 spicey like safron, taste like the ripe mango...ready to be eaten nice and cold on a very hot summer

 day...

Don't tell your story to any one, but watch, observe other's angst. Observe, watch, look but don't tell...

your story. It's been told a million times. But never was written.

It needs to be written finally. You write it.

You are the chosen one.

WRITE YOUR STORY.

LOOKING FOR AN AN ANSWER...LOOKING FOR SO LONG

 LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER...LOOKING FOR SO LONG

Answer?

Hard to find

Answers?

Very hard to find

So, what's the answer?

I don't have any

Are tou still going to go ahead?

What else am I going to do?

So, you are going ahead?

It depends

On what?

What is ahead...

Everything is ahead...

Not sure about it...

Many things are behind

But you can't go back...

Who said so?

It's common sense...

Common sense?

Yes, to go ahead...it would be stupid to go back...

Who says so?

I did...

You might be stupid...

I don't think so...

What do you think?

I think I am smart...

Oh! your smart?

I think so...

You are so smart that hunderds of your notebooks have been collecting dust and you didn't notice...

How do you know that I didn't noticce? Don't be a smart ass...

Who can avoid dust?It goes right into your lungs...

It didn't go into your lungs...

And since you are such a smart ass, you must have known that it went into my lungs...

I have been coughing for long time...

Oh! your notebooks gave you a bad cough...what was the point of all those notebooks?

so I could scribble and doodle in them

And then?

Then what?

They are full of something...

Something is not everything

It's something...

You got pneumonia for doing something of no value

Who told you that my notebooks are. of no value...

You told me

I told you?

Yes,e, there wouldn't be any awareness of their presence

By the way, who are you?

I don't really know but you have been talking to me for a while...

That's something. I created you, so I could talk to you about my notebooks

Which might have been filled with very valuable material and I haven't looked at them for so long...

So that's pretty neat that I just have a new awareness that I need to look at my notebooks...

If the notebooks weren't theire presence and I might have missed a treasure...

By the way, who are you?

I don't know, you just created me...

Oh! am I a creater?

You created me...I DIDN'T EXIST.

That's something...I created you and I created hunderds of note books and you are still bickering with

 me and being condescending towards me as if I have done nothing with my life...

Now get lost. I need to find my notebooks...

Hundereds of notebooks

 Hundereds of Notebooks

Your project involves people

All people are included

Do you understand?

In this case the inclusion means, "EXclusion."

"Exclusion of all people...

Do you understand?

Your project is not under discussion

Or explanations...

It's to be done alone quietly in your own privacy.


Never to be talked about

Never to be shared...

Answer me this...

Would you allow people in your bathroom while you are bathing?

Or doing other necessary stuff?

It's as private as your deep sorrow,

Your pain,

Your happiness, your anxiety...

Your hopes,

Your disappointments, your loss...

Would you share all tjose sad and precious feelings with people?

I would if there were some respectable people

Who would appreciate your generosity to share your private grief or happiness?

f pouring your heart out to the heartless?But even if they are there somewhere...

I don't have access to them,

And what's the point of pouring your heart out to the heartless?

There might be fantastic people of all kinds out there?

But un-fortunately I don't know them

And they certainly dodn't know me...

SoI would rather do my new project alone

All alone by myself...

Without advice or intrusion of any one...

When I say any one, i mean everyone...

So I guess, thas settlled...

If not settled by now

Please settle it.

It's already very late...

Don't even think of discussing it with any one.

Don't allow any one to even question what it is that you are planning.

Only to be accomplished by your self

Your lonely little self...

The project is lonely

Because it's about loneliness...

Ad wat a cherished loneliness it is...

No one to bother you

No one to question you

No one to put you down

No, no. you don't need any one's encouragement either.

Yu are alone

Your project is alone

It is supposed to be alone

Because it's about extreme alianatio and loneliness...

You can even give it a name...

"LONELINESS."

How about that.

Would yu ever include any tom, Dick, or Harry

In your project of, Loneliness?

No, you won't...

It will ost it's purpose...

Entirely.

What's the point.

If you want to include other people in your upcoming project,

Might as well call it a. "GATHERING."

Make sense, right?

Even if it doesn't make sense, just don't get involved in the 

project called, "GATHERING."

Gathering of whom?

Wel wishers?

Where are they?

Enemies?

Plenty

But why would you involve them in your project of, "GATHERING?"

Gathering, most of the time implies a happy crowd...

And your project is of sadness and loneliness...

You can't afford to be happy till the project is done...

Project , which has been delyed for so long...

So, so long...

And now you are daring to look into your hundreds of lonely notebooks

And thining of callig it, 'A GATHERING?"

Crazy, if you asked me

But hon, you are not asking me...

You are finally not asking anyone what to do...

You are thinking of finally doing it...

Find your noteboos where ever they are...

In the boxes, in thebags, in the baskets, in the trunks...

Find them, then look at them, then not be frightened, not be intimidated,

And take them out one by one...

A lonely note book in a lonely hand and see what's in it

Yes, fid out what the hell is in the notebook?

What the hell is in the second notebook? and the third and the fourth?

On and on towards the baskets full of notebooks...

What are you going to do with them?

How come all of them are filled wit some scribble?

Who was scribbling in them?

And why?

Did you have all the time to scribble in hundreds of note books?

Did you ever have a job?

Oh! no, never a job...

JHow did you live?

I lived...

How?

Just lived scribbling...

Jow did you make money?

Didn't need to make money

Really?

Yes, really...

Just coffee money to sit in a cafe and scribble...

That didn't cost much...

Note book for a dollar and coffee was three dollars

that's how hundereds of note books were filled...

There must be something in them...

Need to dust them off and

AND?

TAKE A LOOK, A GOOD LOOK...

AND?

AND MAKE A PROJECY PIT OF IT...A LONELY PROJECT OUT OF A LONELY NOTEBOOK...

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

PRIVATE WORLD

PRIVATE WORLD.

Don't let others come into your private world. 

Not even for a moment...

Just don't.

I am telling you this for your own good.

Answer me this...

Would you allow any one in your bathroom when you

are naked in your bath tub?

It's private right?

So is your happiness, your pain, your disappointments,

Your hope, your loss, your anxiety, your powerlessness

To change certian things no matter how much you would

Wish to change the events...

Just don't discuss it with any body...

Your memories, your pain is yours

No one will understand any way...

Don't hurt yourself more than needed...

Arn't you hurt?

You want to hurt more ?

You have that kind of strength?

Just sustain it within yourself,

In your soul, in your heart...

It's your project...

Must not discuss it with any one

It will dissipate

It will disinegrate...

It need to be accomplished by yourself alone

In your own private sphere...in your own loneliness...


Tuesday, November 29, 2022

THAT'S THE TITLE,THAT'S THE PROJECT, THAT'S THE PLAY

THAT'S THE TITLE, THAT'S THE PROJECT, THAT'S THE PLAY.

Pour it into writing.

All, everything

Silly, un-important, shallow, solid, good, great

Everything into writing

Call it, "A scrible." Nothing of importance, Meaningless, blah, blah, blah...

But put it down into words...

Words which make no sense...words which people despise

Words which are ancient, politically incorrect,

Everyone will hate you

But that's wonderful

People are waking up for hatred

Say more annoying things

Get them upset

Tell them that actually you are helping them from

 the comatose condition, they have put themselves into

by being  constantly on social media...

It's not social  media, it's social poison...

They are drinking it day and night...

Very soon the damage will be obvious...

It already is...

They don't look into the eyes of any human being...

The small and big screens are hurting their eyes and ears

And their souls which has dried up...

Use some strong, powerful abnoxious words 

Let them hate you, yell at you ,

so their attention can be diverted towards you,

So, they will have a better purpose in their empty lives

Let your words fill them with hatred towards you...

What a great gift to have!

Hate, Love this word, HATE...

Aren't you blessed that very quickly like a virus, 

their hatred will spread towards you because of your,

Words, your wonderfully bold, mesmerizingly poisonous words...

But where are those words sweetheart? 

Where are those words which will wake humanity? 

Wake them up, not for love, just for hate...

How many people love to be hated?

Not many...actually no one...

See you are so special...so very special...

All of a sudden the comatozed humanity woke up...

And are shouting in the streets...hating you...

"SHE CAN'T REPLACE US."

" SHE CAN'T REPLACE US."

HER WORDS CAN'T MAKE US SLEEP ANY MORE."

HER WORDS CAN NOT MAKE US SLEEP ANY MORE."

' WE ARE AWAKE NOW, FULLY AWAKE AND FULLY CONSUMED WITH HATE."

"WE WILL BE MARCHING IN THE STREETS...HATING YOU"

APPOLOGIZE FOR YOUR WORDS"

APPOLOGIZE FOR YOUR WORDS."

APPOLGIZE FOR YOUR WORDS."

"WORDS WHICH RUINED OUR BLISSFUL COMA."


ANGUISH

 ANGUISH

Stop pouring your anguish over any conversation with any one.

First of all , stop having conversation with every one.

Just hello, hello, how are you?

Weather is awful

How is your family?

How was your weekend?

How was Thanksgiving?

How was Christmas?

And then move on....

And you can add another sentence such as,

"Give my love to everyone."

But move on you must and pretty quickly

No hastle, no complaints,  no arguments, no opinions.

Keep quiet...

No use  and no need to pour your anguish over to them...

Family, the same goes for family. for sure.

Include one more person

And that's a secret.

But that will save your day and night.

Don't try to understand or analyze any confusion,

sadness, angst, disappointment, or hurt.

No one will ever understand your feelings

No one will ever try to understand any of your afflictions

It's better that you never mention any.

Just put them on a piece of paper...

A piece of paper is extremely importan and precious possession of yours.

Own lots of paper, beautiful, fragile, flowing,

 hand made papers of many colors...

Paper is an ancient object

Ancient and cultural.

The birth of paper took place in old, old, old, ancient lands

Such as Baghdad and China...

It came all the way from those precious places for you...

For your thoughts of anguish to be scattered 

on them.

 For you and for you only.

Your exclusive property.

Own it...

Go ahead, don't be shy, don't hesitate, it's yours, claim it.

Claim it with pride.

No matter what you do, whatever you have...

Be proud of that.

Always be proud.

Exclusively your property.

Make a painting of words on those colorful papers.

Say, Alhumdo-llilah and be proud.

Proud even of your sadness, your sorrow, your pain, your loss.

Be thankful to your god for giving you feelings

 and emotions to go through all that is precious.

Pain about the loss of a loved one is very precious.

Don't be afraid of your pain...

Many people are so un-fortunate that they can't feel anything...

Imagine their emptiness, their inability of feeling nothing...

Actually you of all people just can't imagine that.

Your heart and soul pulsate with pearls of pain,

Diamonds of loss, petals of roses falling down...

Trees deprived of water...

Deserts of sand

Occupies some people's heart.

Their inside is so dry, so thirsty,

How can they absorb your anguish?

They can't

They can't swallow...

Their throats are parched, their hearts are parched,

Their soul is parched.

Nothing can quench their thirst.

They are not even conscious of their dryness...

They don't even know that they are desperate,

 to deny any deep contact

with another human...

They just have an excuse for everything. 

"So busy, just so busy, you can't imagine, how busy."

I can imagine, of course I can...

But honey, I am busy too...

I just lost a very precious blood relaion...

I am busy with a huge sense of loss, of sadness, of emptiness,

Of sorrow, of pain, of lack of laughter, 

of the deep joy which came with his voice, with his presence,

with his conversation, with his humor, 

with his intelligence, with his ability, 

with his character, with his sensitivity, 

with his taste, with his character.

You are so un-fortunate and it gives me sadness to say so...

That you loved no one like I lovd him....

But I am proud of that love,

 the love which makes me cry day and night.

Yes, I am busy

Exremely busy

More busy than any banker

Any hedge fund financier...

Busy with te eternal loss...

Can't see any one

Can't talk to any one...

No one in this busy world understand...

The word, Pain, very hard to swalow...

Don't want to disturb the friends...

I friends I don't have...

Friends, I never had...

A foreigner, always answering questions about her whereabouts...

'Where do you come from?"

" From East Village."

"No, I mean where do you come from originally? which country?"

"No counry. God didn't assign any country to my name."

'I am a vagabond...a wanderer, a rambler."

I only have words...

I have no country.

"I only have words."

'Can I recite a poem for you?"run?"

'Oh! you have to run?"

"Oh! please do that. Run...

"I always read my poems to myself."

"So sorry for offering to share it with you."

"The poem is not a happy poem."

" I am sure you wouldn't have liked it,

but in any case, you are busy, you have to run...?

'I sometime forget that I do live in a city of finance and not of poems."



Saturday, November 26, 2022

WORKOUT

WORKOUT WHILE STANDING

1:marchig in place2

 2:Squats with a chair

3:  WALL PUSH UPS

4: HANDS GO BEHID EARS, TOUCH KNEES WITH ELBOWS, ARMS FOLDED


5: WIDER FEET SQUATS

6: WALL PUSH, LEFT FOOT INFROT, RT BEHIND, PRESS BACK KNEE TO THE GROUND

7: CHAIR PUSH UPS

8: fOREARMS AGAINST WALL, PULL FEET UP, PLANKS

9: JUMPING JACKS. HANDS UP, JUMP

10:LEGS AGAINST WALL, ARMS FOLDED

11: WALL PUSH UPS

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Jordan Peterson says

 Jordan Peterson says: Words of wisdom.

"We have to become creators of our own values."

"One peace in chaos, one foot in peaceful order,

It's upto us."

"Get your own house in order."

"Things will go wrong more than they will go right.

So try for things to not go so wrong."

" Keeping up is to keep up, by thinking, 

talking, reasoning and serious dispute which might 

offend people but it's better than not talking, better than death."

"Yo are screwed both ways. We don't have great solutions,

only arbitary."

"I don't believe in political correctness."

'People who don't allow expression, stay away from them."

"Igor and Frankenstein phenomenon, "Yes master."

Stay away... from that as well."

"Read and write every day. It will improve your thinking and power of speech and reasoning."

"Don't drink too much."

"Read great books." "Struggle with all your soul to benefit the dead."

"Exercise"

"Routine, most important obligation which gets rewarded."

"Schedule, routine, if not, things degenerate."

"It's your moral obligation to find something meaningful."

"Challange yourself."

'Be awake, sharp, educate yourself"

'Through education, learn how to think,how to speak."

"Life s a tragedy, Malovent tragedy. Despite this fact, still thrive, develop capacity

to transcend."

"





Friday, November 18, 2022

CONSCIOUS DECISION

 CONSCIOUS DECISION:

I MADE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION TO SURVIVE

TO BE ALIVE

TO BE WELL.

I MADE THAT DECISION TODAY

JUST NOW ACTUALLY...

TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN

TO WEAR GLITTER AGAIN

TO LOVE MYSELF AGAIN

TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND RECOGNIZE THE PERSON I SEE

THATS WHAT THEY STOLE FROM ME

THE PERSON I WAS

HAPPY

FUNNY

HUMEROUS

JOYFUL

KIND

LOVING

SINCERE

NOW, IN THE RECENT PAST

IF I LOOK IN THE MIRROR

I SAW A BITTER PERSON

AN ANGRY PERSON

AN UGLY PERSON

AN ISOLATED PERSON

A PERSON I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE

A PERSON I NEVER MET BEFORE

WHY IS THIS PERSON STARING AT ME

IN MY OWN MIRROR

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

HOW DID THIS STRANGER GOT INTO MY

 DRESSING TABLE'S BEAUTIFUL MIRROR?

WHO TOOK AWAY MY WAY OF BEING?

WHO STOLE MY JOVIAL NATURE?

I USED TO LIKE MY WAY OF BEING

OF LOVING AND OF FEELING

DEMEANOR...

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

I HAVEN'T RECOGNIZED MYSELF

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR BUT SEE A STRANGER

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

A LONG WHILE

BUT TODAY i MADE A CONSCIOUS DECISION

TO SEE MYSELF

THE REAL MYSELF

THE SAME PERSON THAT i WAS

THE SAME PERSON THAT I WAS BORN

A FUN PERSON

A JOVIAL PERSON

A HAPPY PERSON

A PROGTRESSIVE PERSON

A KIND PERSON

AN EMPATHETIC PERSON

A PERSON WHO CAMORROWON EXTEND A HELPING HAND

I AM GOING TO LOTTO AND TOMORROW I AM GOING TO RECOGNISE MYSELF.

AS I WAS BEFORE...

BEFORE SOMEONE STOLE MY HAPPINESS FROM ME

I AM  LOOKING FORWARD TOTOMORROW...

MY CONSCIOUS DECISION HAS BEEN MADE

GOD FOR MY ACCOMPLISHMENTSTO LIKE MYSELF

TO LOVE MYSELF

TO ADMIRE MYSELF

TO THANK GOD FOR MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS

TO THANK GOD FOR BEING ALIVE

TO BE HUMBLE

TO BE KIND

TO BE GENEROUS

TO BE LOVING

TO BE GRACIOUS

TO BE A FEELING PERSON.

LOOKING FORWARD TO TOMORROW.


SOME ANNONYMOUS SAYINGS

 SOME ANNONYMOUS SAYINGS

LIBER...FREE

LIBERALS...WHAT A JOKE!

PROGRESSIVE... TO PROGRESS, IS TO MERELY GO FORWARD AND YOU CAN ALSO GO

 FORWARD INTO A PIT?

PROTECTING FREEDOM OF SPEECH INVOLVES PROTECTING THE VOICES OF PEOPLE

WITH WHOM YOU  MAY VIOLENTLY DISAGREE

DISAGREE.

TIME, SPACE AND ATTENTION IS ALL LIMITED

"TELL IT LIKE IT IS." ?

"DIFENSIVE, DISTRUSTING, DULLER, UNFASHIONABLE FOIL." ?

"TRY TO SEE OPPORTUNITY AND EXCITEMENT IN EVERYTHING. TRY." ?

"OPENNESS AND DYNAMISM VERSES CLOSED IN AND SECURE.: ?


SCATTERED PIECES OF PAPER WITH NOTES OF UN-WRITTEN PLAYS

 SCATTERED PIECES OF PAPER WITH NOTES FOR UN-WRITTEN PLAYS

 HAPPY PEOPLE'S PARTY

BY

BINA SHARIF


CHARACTERS:

HUSBAND: WHITE MAN : BUSINESS MAN

WIFE; SCHOOL TEACHER

WHITE WOMAN

DAUGHTER (DEMOCRATE, LESBIAN)

SON (REPUBLICAN)

DAUGHTER'S FIANCE ( DEMOCRATE LADY)

FAMILY FRIEND ( DEMOCRATE, WIFE'S FRIEND)

NEIGHBOR: ( INDIAN MUSLIM WOMAN, CONSERVATIVE, IN A SARI)

HER BOYFRIEND: (A GAY REPUBLICAN)

8 PEOPLE IN TOTAL.

FORGET IT...

WHO S GOING TO FUND THIS?

WHO KNOWS?

WRITE IT ANY WAY, NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PRODUCED.

OK...

SET:  A LONG DINING TABLE COVERED WITH WHITE TABLE CLOTH

FLOWERS AND BOWL OF FRUITE ON THE TABLE, DRINKS AS WELL.

TIME: LATE AFTERNOON

SCENE TWO: EVENING

THEY ALL EAT. EMPTY PLATES, KNIVES, FORKS, DIRTY NAPKINS ON THE TABLE.

BIG FIGHT

ISSUES OF FIGHT

1: RACISM TOWARDS THE NEIGHBOR

2: RACISM TOWARDS GAY AND LESIANS

3: RACISM TOWARDS REPUBLICANS

4: RACISM TOWARDS DEMOCRATS

5:RACISM TOWARDS MIDDLE EAST

6: RACISM TOWARDS REFUGEES

7: RACISM TOWARDS IMMIGRATION

8: RAISM TOWARDS RUSSIA

9: RACISM TOWARDS CHINA

10: RACISM TOWARDS IRAN

11: BIG FIGHT ABOUT ELECTIONS

12: BIG FIGHT ABOUT IDEAOLOGY

13: BIG FIGHT ABOUT CULTURAL CHANGES

14: BIG FIGHT ABOUT MILLITARY SPENDING

15: BIG FIGHT ABOUT DIPLOMATES

16: CRUCIAL SENSE OF ENTERING ANOTHER REALM

17: ENTERINHG ANOTHER WORLD NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT

18: BEIRUT

19: BAGHDAD

20: SANA

21: DAMASCUS

22: CAIRO

23: TEHRAN

24:AFGHANISTAN

25: PAKISTAN

DIALOGUE

HATRED

DISCORDTHE NIGHT

DESTABLIZING THE REGIONS

BIG FIGHT AND BIG DISAGREEMENT  ABOUT ALL OF THE ABOVE.

LATE INTO THE NIGHT:

EXHAUSTION AFTER FIGHTING, DRINKING, EATING, FIGHTING AGAIN...

   

                                                          END OF PLAY

Thursday, November 17, 2022

"ANOTHER KIND OF MECCA

"ANOTHER KIND OF MECCA"

She is at it again.

No need to pay attention as usual

She is used to it by now...

Her new show like many of her previous ones,

monologues, performance pieces, poetry

one acts, readings, full lengths,

will open and then close.


Another one will open 

and then close...

No need to notice...

Notice her.

She herself has admitted that sometime

she doesn't think that she exists.

For some,

For most,

She definately doesn't exist.

Too out spoken, too unafraid, too honest.

That kind of things do not exist

and if they do, they are destroyed.

"Who gives a shit>"

She finally said to herself

and decided that no one will be able to destroy her

and she will exist

for sure, she will.

She will exist for herself and her monologues will

exist for her...

So she decided to become a monologue.

A long, dramatic, passionate, humerous, anxious, successful,

a long passage of time, time which can not be destroyed, like some holy

monuments, some holy, sacred sites like MECCA..

.holy, precious, undestroyable, ANOTHER KIND OF MECCA."


EVERYTHING CONTINUES

EVERYTHING GOES 

"Purpose is not the munzel

It's the journey...

Time which you give to someone un-necessary

never come back...don't waste it. Give it to yourself.

'Avoid some people, preserve your good nature.

Your good nature can be destroyed by the one's with

eveil intentions."

"Egotistic person creates self doubt for others."

Ego is self obsession and aggression.

Don't lack self management, it causes illness of the mind and the body.

"Money or the lack of it is not success."

'Ego can be toxic. Toxic presence has toxic past.

You can't change anyone's past."

"False assumption about yourself is ego."

"Don't try to change any one."

'Make peace with your circumstances."

"Give freedom to some one, he/she will do what they want, not what you want."

'Give money to the needy with no need to be returned."

'While eating, offer first to the other to begin."

"Unfair criticism should not be tolerated."

"Time will tell."

'Avoid lazy people. People who don't want to do anything

but want to hang on to you."

'Manipulators are not friends."

'avoid envious people, envious friends, they spoil

your anbition. Also avoid narcissits, liars, corrupt people."

"Forgive others, you will be forgiven."

'Include others in your happiness."

'distribute most of your possessions."

'learn something new every day."

"Truth is a lion.

It will set itself free.

Don't defend it,

It will defend itself." ?

"Leave negative criticism alone.

Being open minded means, tolerance of people." ?

"Water teaches you humility.

Be humble...

Water flows below." ?

"Composure: Don't fight with obstacles,

Find a way...

Make your problems your friends, water teaches openness." ?

Openness, don't argue, don't fight, be strong, be busy." ?

"Be easy going. What you want from others, expect to give the same yourself." ?"

"No malice for others. Thank the person who did something good for you." ?

"Don't talk if you How are you?ve nothing positive to say." ?

'Turn negative into positive." ?

"What doesn't concern you, leave that alone." ?

"Don't indulge in gossip with others. Keep your privacy intact. Talk softly." ?

'Don't be angry, control anger."

'Do not oppress others." 

'Leave people alone."

Try to read, "Complete poems of Cavafy before time could change them."

'AAcquaint yourselves with social-political-geographic-historical

and philosophical context in which the author lived, worked in a scholarly fashion." ?

"The only way not to be unhappy is to shut yourself in art."  Flaubert

"New ambassadors, blurring bounderies." ?

"She conceived of life as primarily an opportunity of unlimited self expansion,

and of literature as an opportunity for unrestricted self expression. " ?

" Precision of observation and cutting accuracy of expression."

"WORK, GOD WILLS IT." ?

"Main subject matter is trauma and conflict."


"Any insignificant object can distract you from the

main subject matter which is trauma."

"Euphemism and allegory"

"Memories evoke an underlying sense of disquiet."

"Paintings are engaged in never-ending conversations."

"I have learnt that the power of invisibility

is much more powerful than the power of visibilty." Sami

"Exstasis, a disciple lined"?

"Stepping outside of the self in a sensitive

but informed identification with another...

an intellectual process that enables your mind

and heart for something that seemed initially alien." ???

"You live as if without history, as if you throw no shadowbehind you." Tom Stoppard

" You can't change things by agonizing." Tom Stoppard

"I don't take things very hard- death for example.

People die,and I sidestep the moment in some way." Tom Stoppard

" Carand Ache, fountain pen with six-sided barrel. 

 Tom Stoppard write with that kind of pen."

"Sir, I have read your letter, and I see that

to the brazed everything is brass.

Your obedient servant, Oscar Wilde."

" The only qualities essential for real success in journalism

are ratlike cunning, a plausible manner, and a little literry ability."  N.Tomalin.

"Human consciousness and the question

whether people can be genuinly good." ????

"Displacement, bereavementm and finally sanctuary."?

"Polyaxed?

'Blind observers."

'Play it safe in public

Be ruthlessly truthful in private." ?

"Most wars are the result of history distorted

and harnessed to the cause of some individual

or groups ambition. greed or pride."  Simon Jenkins

"Geography is a fact, ruly the queen of sciences." ?

VIENNA:  CITY OF KLIMT,

MAHLER,

FREUD





EVERYTHING GOES

 EVERYTHING GOES

"Memories hidden in the brain cells that are waiting for a trigger.

So whenever the trigger is available, the image comes." Mohammad Sami

"Rife with ambivlance mimicking the unreliability of memory." Sami.

James Joyce's protective life struggles.

SILENCE

EXILE

CUNNING... (Titally lacking. Develop some cunning honey)

Thursday, October 13, 2022

SOME KIND OF DISCIPLINE

 SOME KIND OF DISCIPLINE

Artsinternational, reviews:  TYFNA, SIGNATURE

WAREHOUSE, PLAYWRIGHTS HORIZON

BRYSHNAKOV, IRISH ARTS CENTER, PERFORMANCE SPACE

BAM

PUBLIC

Hi Drama

................

APT

CLOTHES

SHOES

BOOKS

DRAWINGS

WRITING

HAND WRITTEN SCRIPTS

SEND PLAYS

PUT THEM ON WORD DOCUMENT

ORGANIZE DRAWINGS

ART SUPPLIES

...............

BATHROOM

.................

WALKS

EXCERCISE

DIET

.................

READINGS

.....................

MUSEUMS

GALLERIES

....................

PROPER EVENING ATTIRE

PROPER PANTS

PROPER COAT

........................

PERFORM, LIFE IS A ONE ACT PLAY.

ONE WOMAN PLAY: (DIARY OF A THOUGHT)

TYPE: THE PLAY, (LOVERS) (SYBIL'S DESPAIR) (COLLECTION OF SHORT ONE ACTS)

...................................

LAFYETTE WITH COMPUTER

SAINT AMBREOUS WITH A BOOK


Wednesday, October 5, 2022

RECOMENDATIONS OF AN EXPERT: JORDAN PETERSON'S SAYINGS

 RECOMENDATIONS OF AN EXPERT

SET UP SOME AIMS FOR YOUR SELFSELF

MOTIVATE YOUR SELF. MAKE AN EFFORT

I WANT NOTHING FROM MYSELF BUT I WANT SOMETHING FROM MYSELF

LITTLE THINGS WHICH WILL BETTER MY DAILY LIFE

IF YOU ARE NOT EXCITED BY YOUR DAY WHEN YOU GET UP, WHY WOULD YOU DO

 ANYTHING? YOU WON'T THINK IT'S VALUABLE...

FIGURE OUT WHAT'S VALUABLE AND GO FOR IT.

MISERY AND SUFFERING IS BAD, REALLY BAD

DO WHATEVER STILL INTEREST YOU.  GO FOR IT.

HAVE A POSITIVE VISION EVERY DAY

SCHEDULE IS IMPORTANT.

AT LEAST FOR THE BEST POSSIBLE DAY THAT YOU CAN HAVE

HAVE OBLIGATIONS AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF.

NEGOTIATE WITH YOURSELF

DO NOT TERRORIZE YOURSELF

TERROR OF EVERYDAY IS AWFUL

PLAN A DAY YOU LIKE TO HAVE

HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF

FIND AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY

IS YOUR TIME WORTHWHILE?

EAT BIG BREAKFAST: PROTEIN AND FAT

CARBOHYDRATES ARE POISON

REDUCE STRESS AND ANXIETY

IT CAUSES LOW BLOOD SUGAR

GET UP APPROXIMATELY AT THE SAME TIME EVERY MORNING

MAKE YOURSELF HYPER EFFICENT

3 HOURS OF INTENSE INTELLECTUAL WRITING EVERY DAY

SET ATTAINABLE AIMS

RETRAIN YOUR THINKING

THINGS YOU AVOID MIGHT BE ESSENTIAL

STAND UP TO THOSE THINGS WHICH ARE IMPORTANT BUT YOU DON'T DO THEM

BAD HABITS ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU, CHANGE THAT CONTROL

HOW TO STOP ROTTING AWAY AT HOME

IMAGINE THOUGHTS

BAD HABITS HAVE BECOME A TORMENT WHICH IS PERMANENT

NEUROLOGICALLY WIRED

CREATIVE PART

DREAMS: YOU ARE AN OBSERVER IN A DREAM

ALL IDEAS ARE STUPID

DO IT BADLY INSTEAD OF NOT DOING IT AT ALL

WANDER AROUND STUPIDLY UNTIL YOU ORGANIZE YOURSELF AND GO THE RIGHT

 WAY

LEARN ABOUT WHAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING AND THEN YOU WILL LEARN WHAT

YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

ORGANIZE YOURSELF

INTERMITTENT CATASTROPHIES WILL ENCOUNTER YOU AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PULL

YOURSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN.

LEARNING IS GOOD BUT UNLEARNING IS ALSO GOOD.

IF YOU ARE NOT AN EFFICENT PERSON DO IT YOUR INEFFICENT WAY..

AIM FOR THE TOP, GO OUT AND MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF

INTELLIGENT, COMPETENT PEOPLE NEED TO BE REWARDED

EVEN IF YOU ARE FULL OF FAULTS YOU CAN STILL MOVE FORWARD, YOU DON'T HAVE

 TO STOP. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU CAN'T LEARN, YOU CAN BE WRONG BUT IT

 DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S IMPERFECT WHAT MATTER IS THAT YOU DO

 IT AND MOVE FORWAF WANTING TO DO IT...RD.

WHAT'S RIGHT IS THAT YOU KEEP DOING IT AND MOVE FORWARD EVEN IF YOU DO IT

 BADLY.

DO SOMETHING

WILL TO STUPIDITY IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE EVERYTHING, EVERY IDEA CAN BE

 STUPID, BY GOING THROUGH IT YOU CAN MAKE IT WORTHWHILE

DO SOMETHING INSTEAD OF WANTING TO DO IT.

JUST DO IT. GET UP AND DO IT...









PEOPLE

 PEOPLE

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CONSUMED WITH THE WORD, "PEOPLE"

WHO ARE THEY?

I HAVE NO IDEA

WHICH PEOPLE AM I TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA

PEOPLE HERE ?

I HAVE NO IDEA

PEOPLE ABROAD?

I HAVE NO IDEA

SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ?

I HAVE NO IDEA...

I MEAN ?

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN...

WHAT DO I MEAN?

i HAVE NO IDEA...


Tuesday, August 23, 2022

HATRED

I WANT TO TAKE HATRED OUT OF MY SOUL

HATRED WHICH MIGHT BE UN-KIND TO ALL OF THEM WHO HAD BEEN UN-KIND,

  UN-IMPORTANT  

WHY MUST I USE MY ENERGY, MY LIFE FORCE HATING  ANY ONE?

IMPORTANT OR UN-IMPORTANT...

ALL OF THEM ARE STRANGERS TO ME

NONE OF THEM CARED

NONE OF THEM WERE INTERESTED

NONE OF THEM WERE CIVIL

NONE OF THEM WERE LOVING

NONE OF THEM WERE USEFUL FOR ANY REASON


THEY WERE INSTEAD A SOURCE OF ANGUISH

MISUNDERSTANDING,

WASTE OF TALENT,

WASTE OF KNOWLEDGE,

WASTE OF TIME.


BUT WHY MUST I HATE THEM?

WHY WASTE MY STRENGTH?

WHY POISON MY SOUL?

WHY DIRTY MY MIND?


WHY SHOULD I BOTHER?

WHY SHOULD ANY ONE BOTHER?

BE CASUAL AND POLITE

IF YOU HAVE TO

BE INDIFFERENT AND SMILE

 I HAVE BEEN CARING FOR THEM

ADVANCING THEIR ABILITIES AND AMBITIONS

I HAVE BEEN NICE TO THEM ALL

I HAVE SPEND MY TIME LOVING THEM

DO I HAVE TO SPEND MY TIME HATING THEM NOW?

NO, I CAN'T DO THAT. I HAVE NO MORE TIME LEFT.

SHE

 She lost her husband so suddenly and shockingly

And know she  has lost herself so suddenly and shockingly

It's nothing but a modern Greek tragedy...

Has left us breathless with immense sorrow.

Friday, June 17, 2022

ON THE DAY OF EID

 ON THE DAY OF EID

A faint sadness has remained in me since I was 18,

When my elsdest sister, Shammus, a gorgeous presence,

Tall, lanky, happy, generous, loving, the eye of my father

Died suddenly-on an operation table of anasthesia for a minor surgery.

My father was heart broken for the rest of his days.

He could never get over it.


He missed her every day, her elegance, her care for the family,

her absence haunted him. He developed a deep hidden sadness

which lasted his remaining life.

That very sadness has awakened in me like a thunderous storm

disturbing all the occeans.


As a young woman I always watched and observed, 

my father's hidden and not so hidden sadness.

I always felt that sorrow in his expression, his being, his voice,

his brow...


His laughter has changed. He always tried to hide it...

I tried to remain pleasant and cheerful, not to disturb his permanent despair.

But I had been quiet observant since a very young age.I used to see and Imagine

what was not noticeable by others. My brother Arshad and myself, we didn't discuss it

amongst ourselves- we had such pain and we couldn't share it, it was too immense.

But both of us observed our parents sorrow keenly.

Arshad and myself had the same kind of nature and closeness.

All of us, the whole family, we were gentle, humble and generous, 

though we had many reasons to be arrogant and proud but we were extra decent

and our generosity of spirit absorbed more of everything which included tremendous

loss of a loved one at a very early young age.

Arshad and myself shared that sorrow and pain without ever expressing it to each other.


We were quite young for that early first death of a young  sister of ours, she was only 25 years old.

We shared it in our glances in our father and mother's eyes- in our sister's empty bed, in her missing

 laughter and in her ever present style even when she was permanently gone...

In her hand knit cardigans, which we wore in cold winter walks on tree lined roads,

which became silent sharing our silent walks.

We used to silently walk, silently thinking of our dear siter who left us so young, so beautiful,

so full of life, vigor, ambition and dreams.


Yes, Arshad and me shared it silently and profusely.

We had the same humble demeanor and in our humbleness we shared the pain profusely.

The loss, the injustice of it all, the sudden shock together.

That was our strength.  Yes, that was our strength. we were in the same house hold togetehr.

The same court yard, the same flowers, the same smells,


Now, Arshad, my silent strength of a marvellous sibling is not there...and there is no one to understand 

the depth of the double loss, a fresh, devastating loss of another sibling, my beautiful and precious,

brother, my best friend in life...my Arshad...


We were born of the same body, same love, in the same household, same ambition, same laughter...

All gone...all gone in an instant. In a fraction of a second...

No one is there to really understand what has happened so suddenly, so shockingly, so unexpected, so

 unexpected.

Inside of the depth of my soul, a wound is born, a wound of deep purple and burgundy color and Arshad

 is not there to stich it up. It will be ever fresh and bleeding....

It's Eid today and he just died....

We used to wish each other happy Eid, happy new year, happy birthday...we never missed it...

This is the fist Eid after he is gone...

Gone for ever...

It's Eid today

People are celebrating.

I am hurting.

I am at Sant Ombroeus, a very fine cafe...

From where I always called him...

we both loved great cafe's...

I am hurting...

I am crying bitterly...

People are watching...

But they behave that they are not...

In our culture, back home, people will ask, "Are you ok?"

But not here...

And Arshad is not here to comfort me.

I shared everything with him when we grew older...

He is not here to share the sadness of his loss, the deep sorrow of his absence,

every minute, every day, every moment...no one is here...

He is not here to say to me, "HAPPY EID PK."

He used to call me Pk, The initials of my very long name.

Do I dare say, "HAPPY EID ARSHAD?"

MY HEART IS COMPLETELY SHATTERED ON THIS DAY OF EID AND EVERY DAY TO COME.




Thursday, June 16, 2022

Identity Crisis

 Identity Crisis

--------------

Helplessness

Catasrophic loss of identity

Shattered Identity

Who are we now?

Do we matter any more?

Humiliation

Incipiant feeling of shame and inferiority

Innocent victims of a western status resentment

To sooth the wounds of trauma, the fears of inferiority?

-------------------

Hardness

Sense of purpose

Ruthlessness

Kindness?

A question

The answer: only from my side.

------------------------------------

That represents a strange dignity.

Selfish, Liar, devious, manipulative.

Most of them, at least the ones I know.

---------------

There is an honesty to it,

Performance with a critical thinking.

------------------

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY

I am happy because I want nothing from any one.

I do not care about money, decorations, titles, or distinctions mean

nothing to me. I do not crave praise. I claim credit for nothing.

-----------------

A HAPPY MAN

"A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future." ?

-------------

'Energy can not be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.

You can not help but get that reality. Everything is reality and that is all there is to it. Match the

 frequency of the reality you want. " ?

-------------------

'Good humor is a state between gaity and un-concern, the act or emanalion of a mind at leisure

to regard the gratification of another." S. Jhonson

"Plans of elegance and schemes of plesure, a sense of professional remove.

"Do not feel emotionally or morally stirred. Keep your eyes open and ears alert." ?

------------

FEELINGS OF GRIEF

Just try to distract your self from feelings.

As well as people. Say nothing to people, be quiet.

Best thing to do is stay away from them.

Read books.

Walk

Sit on a park bench and observe people

Tell nothing to any one

Don't express any kind of feeling to any one

Especially any kind of grief.

They are not capable to share it and why should they?

That's how they think.

''Why should they share your grief?"

First of all they have no idea what grief is...

So how can they share it?

Also it's not their grief.

It's yours

It's your problem

Your burden...

Deal with it

Or don't,

But don't open your mouth to any one...

Keep quiet

No one can console you

Your grief is huge

They are in a hurry...

They are not used to sharing

Not even a slice of Pizza...

You expect them to share your grief?

What's wrong with you?

Ask your self this question

Begin,

"What's wrong with you?"

Be quiet and take a solitary walk,

And when you are too tired

Sit on a park bench

And talk to the birds...

They will talk back to you.

They will chirp...

They are sharing no matter what ever you are going through...

---------------

SAMUEL JOHNSON

"Good humor is a state between gaity and un-concern, the act or emanalion

of a mind at leisure to regard the gratification of another."

"Planes of elegance and schemes of pleasure."

"Luxury of idleness."

"A man who knows his own fidelity and usefulness is never willing to sink into a companion."

"A man of great qualities should not want ornaments of superficial attracions."

"I write to inquire by what means I may recover my tranquility."

"The day rose and set and the year went round unregarded,

'Had not enlarged either by books or conversation."

----------------

MEMORY PLAY

Dim lighting

Sentimentality

Lack of realism

Yearning

Despair

Passion

Tenderness

Sense of abandonment

Intimacy of the story

Ebbs away

A big beating heart.

----------------

THE STRAIN OF CALLOUSNESS

Nothing matters to you except your control over others,

Your apathy, no matter how urgent the situation is for others.

In the nutshell, others don't matter to you, your niceness is just superficial.

There was no trace of grief in you for any one.

How could you share grief when you had none.

For you it was one more opportunity to be fake.

A dark art. But a fun art for you, fun art of manipulation.

You don't think that any one can understand your game, do you?

Do you think that everyone is stupid?

I guess so. Thats what you think...

For you it's nothing un-usual but your normal day of control of your time,

Control of your enviorment and control over others feelins and intelligence...

But that's the only thing you can't control. Other people's intelligence and feelings...

A sure test of the truth in this lousy world.

You can control your motivation and the lack of it,  your intention and the lack of it, your interests,

Like you come first, other things can wait till eternity but honey you can't control others intelligence...

It's god's gift, people can feel , if not right away, after a while that you come from a fake, insincere

 premise and can't fool anyone after that.

You think that if you keep making un-believable excuses for a long time, things will fade away

and no one will be able to figure it out...

But sweetheart, the lies, the lack of love, the real lack of affection and the truth and hurt speaks it's

 disappointment loudly and then you are completely forgotten finally.

-----------------

"Confine yourself to the present.

Only attend to yourself.

Look for the rational ruling look within.

Retire into yourself.

It's characteristic of the rational ruling faculty to be satisfied with its own rightous dealing

 and the pace which that brings."

----------------

 A:" Are you writing poems again?

B:  Just relearning how to hold a pen in my hand and scribble something on a plain white sheet.

A:  Then maybe a poem will be born?"

B:  " YES, IF LUCK FAVORS ME AGAIN."








Monday, June 13, 2022

DIARY OF A THOUGHT PART 2

DIARY OF A THOUGHT PART 2

WORDS...

On a lazy unproductive day

Write something in the form of

monollogues, fragments of poems

poems un-written....

Poems in your heart in the shape of broken,

crushed thoughts...pierced feelings

broken promises...

Happy joyful remorse

Regrets, lack of something

Something haunting your soul

Hurt, anger, love, hatred

Something vague, always troubling

Always vague...

That desire of finding whatever...

You are looking for.

Something which you have lost...

Something which will never come back...


Write about that...

On a sorrowful day,

On an un-productive day

Do an exercise of expression

Instantanious expression...

Impulsive impression

Satirical expression.


Words, words, words...

Geography of words...

Situation of words...

Heart breaking words...

Silently moving, dancing, singing words...

Kind words, sorrowful words...

Aching, heart throbbing words.

Just write, words, words, words on a sad un-productive day.


"YOU THE STRANGER"

Give your warmth to your own poems.

Give your precious time to your own soul.

To your own aching heart.

This way you will save a fortune...

Fortune, in the form of precious gems...

Your poems are your gems...

Your reward in the shape of Oscar Wild's

Topaz, Rubies, Saphires...

And with that kind of reward

You will create poems...

Poems are no less than diamonds

A real fortune created by you and only you

No one else...

That's for sure, no one else...

Be a stranger to the most busy bodies in the world...

Didn't Racine, that great French poet said something like this?

"Its a pity that you waste so much time on trifles."

You, the perfect stranger...

Learn something from Racine.


"YOU TOLD ME."

You told me, "That you are busy."

You told me again that, "You are busy."

Now I don't think of you...

Neither do I miss you...

Now I am always with a book.

If I was with you-I won't be able to concentrate

On Boudelaire, Rimbaud, Camus, Rumi and Rilke...

I am so glad that now I am with my poems.


SISTER

"She for sure lives a better life than you."

And you?

'Think not so much of what you lack"

'As of what you have."

"Be happy for her"

"I am..."

'But he has stolen her from me."


IN A LITTLE WHILE

"In a little while you will have

forgotten everything,

In a little while-everything will have forgotten you."  M-Aurelius


THINGS

"Things which are external to my mind

Have no relation at all to my mind.

Let this be the state of your effects

And you will, and you will stand erect." M-Aurelius


ENTHUSIASM

Some time,

Actually, most of the time,

You meet people who seem very-very nice

And enthusiastic to meet you again...

"Here is my phone number, please call me,

I would love to go out with you for a drink

And talk more..."

"Sure."  You say...

Then, next to their phone number you write little notes,

Such as, "Important." and how did you meet them

 And where did you meet them?

So you won't forget.

And they seem so nice that you won't mind meeting them again.

After a week or so, you call.

They don't pick up...

You leave a text message-reminding them

How you two met...

And tell them that it would be very nice to meet for a drink.

You wait for a week or so and then call again...

Some people won't call at all but an idiot like me,

Give them a second chance...

Because they kind of seemed sincere at that moment...

The moment when we met for the first time...

So you call again, or leave a text message...

Wait a few days...

No response, none.

I always wonder, 

"Why the hell did they give me their phone number so enthusiastically?"

Then you forget about them completely.

But I guess, they forgot about you the moment

They played that sweet little game...

Why do they do that?

I am always curious to know the reason...


PURPOSE OF LIFE

BODY LIFE:  Diet, sleep, excercise

HEART LIFE:  Emotions

SPIRTUAL LIFE:  Ethics-morals.

My life: 

Heart life...full

the other end Spirtual life...full

Bdy life:  missing


CEASED TO EXIST

And when there is silence on the other end...

I know he has ceased to exist.

Everthing else is a lie...

People keep saying, " He is with you."

"He is with you."

"Where is he?" 'Where is he?"

"He is with you."  They say

"He is with me? Where is he?"

"Why can't I see him?"

"Why can't I talk to him?"

"Why doesn't he call me any more?"


MAD

He doesn't remember me

He is mad.

I remember him

I am mad.


MY LOVE

She is beautifully dressed

Pink and silver stripped long dress...

sleeveless-cool

She has nice skin, olive brown

She has a tiny stylish tatoo on her bare back

Dangling bracelets, gold and purple

I know, she can sing...

Her songs must be like the singing birds...

I am sure, she is from the South...

She is my love.

Then I woke up...

She was next to me--

Singing a melodious song.

Then---she was gone.


FINISHED

You see,

It's done.

Finished.

If you didn't start it

It won't come to an end.

It's good to start something and then

Finish it...


But what's the point?

Would this scribble ever make a dollar?


Weel! that's not the purpose

What's the purpose then?


Your page was blank

And now it's full of words.

Words...words...words

Sexy words, soothing words, angry words,

Dancing on the page...

Your own words...

The page full of your own words...

The singing birds...

Creation of your soul...

Worth a million dollars...

Just starts and then finish it.

See, you created something...

Gave birth to something...

Your own...

You own your words.

Precious...isn't it?

What else is better?

Tell me...

What's better?

What else do you want to own than diamonds?


IN THE NAME OF LOVE

In the name of love

You destroyed me

In the name of love,

 the damage was done...

In the name of love,

In the name of love

You hurt my eyes...

I cried...

In the name of love,

My eyes lost the luster

My eyes never smiled again.

In the name of love,

My tears kept flowing...

In the name of love,

I left you...

In the name of love,

I never wanted to see you again...

In the name of love,

I accomplished that.

In the name of love,

I never saw you again!


DUSK

At dusk,

I long for something...

Something I lost...

Something which will never come back...

That something,

I long for at the time

Of that golden dusk...

When people are coming back home...

To be with their loved ones...

You will never come back...

That's what I long for...

For you to come back home...

At the time of dusk...

Come back...

That's what I long for...


SIN

Victor Hugo said, 

"The poet is only limited by his sin."

And I am not a sinner.


WAIT

You made me wait

You made me wait again

You made me wait

You made me wait again...

Why would I come to you?

Give me one good reason...


FRIENDS

Nothing wrong with having friends

It's just that I was the one who loved...

I wasn't loved back.

Why would I now bother?

"Why would I come to you?

Give me one good reason..."


WORK

If you had a very strong will power

And love of your work,

Actually respect for your work,

You could live without most of the people

For a very long time.


CHILDREN

Children are expressive

And un-afraid

Children will talk to any one

And are always ready to listen...

Unless parents have frightened them

Of strangers, especially the strangers with dark skin

Brown eyes and black hair...

Children in the third world countries

Are freeer...than the first world's children...

In the third world, they all have dark skin

And black hair...

Here children have been made frightened

Of someone like me...and I am a chidren's doctor


INVENT BY DURAS

"I invent people

And I talk to them.

Since I have no friends...

I invent enemies...

I talk to the enemies...

I insult them."


PAIN

"If some pain was deadened,

I would force myself

To want some thing, 

However hard it might be."     M. Duras


APATHY

Try to fight apathy

Go out and be away from yourself...

Go out and watch people...

What ever they do

How they behave

Without expectations of any benefit or affection...

Just go out and about...

Don't expect any favors, help or love...

Not even any respect...

Expecting respect is very dangerous 

And will increase your apathy...

That's for sure...

You better respect yourself...

Respect yourself, every second, every minute,

Every day of the month, every month of the year

Leave home with lots of respect for yourself

And come back with even more...

Just be above your wants...

And be productive...

That is the only instrument

Which will take care of your apathy...

It will make apathy fly away like the singing birds

Who migrate to different lands in different seasons.











Saturday, June 4, 2022

DIARY OF A THOUGHT

 DIARY OF A THOUGHT

"You must never write things down...

not things of that sort".      Maupassant

"Avenues of lime."             Maupassant

"I have no affection for you any more.

Now I can meet with you without a slight

disturbance in my heart."        BS

" Its a ntural weakness of mine-yes,

when I attach myself to anyone, I attach myself.

that's the end of it."       Maupassant

"No, its all good-all good-

I like what I do."  Annonymous

"The whole story of man is blood and gold."    Maupassant

"Far from myself, a kind of wandering being

without conscious or thought, merely seeing things

as I went along and liking what I saw."     Mupassant

"Far also from the road I had planned to follow

and which I had forgotten about, with the approach

of night I realized that I was lost."       Maupassant

"She was probably lying from beginning to end

as Arabs invariably do, with or without a motive."      Maupassant

"With gossip, and rather comical gravity

they narrate their lies and falsehoods with

the serious air which this strange race always

preserves with the expression of an idol

escending to gossip."        Maupassant

"Conqured race, on whom we impose our laws,

our regulations, our customs, and of whom we know nothing."     Maupassant


INTENTION

Some one, claiming to be the best friend of someone

of the same race, same religion never came for condolence

at the time of shocking tragedy involving a sudden and shocking death,

never came for condolence, though lived one block away said to the grieving

friend after 6 months, "Yah, Allah! you know of my 

intention deep in my heart as I myself know it."

And the grieving friend said, " Yes, I know of your intention.

Your intention was not to come and pay respect though you

were close by and have no solid excuse to back up your falsehood

but I do know your intention.  it was clearly not to come to pay respect

and you fullfilled it 100 percent because that's what your intention was.

And my dear I do not doubt your intention at all. 

You were so truthful to your intention.

And that's how it went...They never saw each other again. 

They were friends for more than two decades...

The grieved person was so deeply hurt with this excuse.

She kept repeating to herself like a mad woman. 

"I mean if anyone's intention is to console, comfort, and pay respect

at the time of their sorrow, why wouldn't they fullfill that urgent intention?

And why would they say such silly things to a grieving and horribly sensitive person that my intention

 was to come to you but I didn't come, but you must know that my intention

 was to show up.

Absurd, isn't it? It's not an Ionesco's play. it's real life...

No one is a fool, not even when they are going through a tremendous loss, loss of life of a beloved.




NAPKIN DIARY PART 3 2022

NAPIN DIARY PART 3 2022

YEH WAQAT BE GHUZAR HI JAI GHA.

Don't be sad.

It's a trial to be dealt with.

With sadness...lots of sadness.

Don't worry, sadness is not depression.


SAKOON...GHAM

Trauma and peace are step brothers

who don't get along...

Trauma lasts for a long time

Peace, if it comes, doesn't last

Another trauma replace it.


HAPPINESS

Happiness is not the goal

Sakkoon is.

What is sakoon?

Peace of mind

Do you have it?

What?

Do you have it?

Sakoon or peace of mind?

None

How come?

Don't ask again and again

You already know it...

Don't provoke..

I don't like people who provoke...

It's surprising that some get pleasure out of someone else's pain.

Do you have pain?

I thought you don't have peace of mind...

Who are you?

You know..

No, I don't know you...

But you ask personal questions...

Asking if you have pain is not personal...

I need to leave, I don't feel well...

You never feel well, as long as I have known you,

You have been saying, "I have to leave, I don't feel well."

Yes, because I am surrounded by people like you

 and I must instantly remove myself from 

Your ilk. 


JANNAT

What can people do to me?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I have my Jannat with me.

Jannat doesn't have,

Despair

Grief

Sorrow

Disadvantage

Loss

Helplessness...

Me being close to that spiritual power brings

 me total sakoon/peace/comfort of the soul.


FIGHT

Fight with life

Move forward

Never give up

Life is a trial to be dealt with

Without sadness

Don't be sad...

Or, be sad...

Feel your loss...

Then move on

Yes, Move on with your loss.

This time shall also pass...

That's the beauty and sadness of time...

Time passes...

Time is a passerby...

The one you want to come back...

The one you were attracted to...

You want that passerby to come back

At least once...

But alas! that handsome passrby has gone away for good....


THE DAYS OF LOSS

Chanalize your loss

Despair is absence of hope

Gloom is feeling of darkness

Desolate, feeling of loneliness/emptiness

Desolate cry of the soul leads to danger...

Matter and spirit, take care of both...

All these feelings represent that your

Sadma/greif sadma/loss of love/sadness/helplessness/gloom

hasn't been shared...

GRIEF

Grief is the strongest feeling of loss of a beloved and if

it's not properly shared becomes a source of danger.

Grief, overcomes everything.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Blame

Regret

Anger and bargaining(unrealistic)

Depression  and reflective thought

Loneliness

.........

Upward turn

Reconstruction and working through

Productive vs unproductive

Acceptance and hope.

Become friends of your problems

Positive interpretation.

Human mind is more inclined towards negative.

Mind, cognitive, replace bad thought to good and positive.

Be friends with your problem

The more you want to get out of the problem,

The stronger it will become.

Acceptance doesn't mean moving forward.

Type of grief

Death of a beloved...

Create a purpose to go through grief and loss to bear...

What purpose?

What kind of purpose?

Any purpose that you can think of...

Can't think of any...?


CAUSES OF SADNESS

Wrong expectations

People and their values

Attachment with people of opposite values.

Wrong decisions

Blaming oneself

Sabotaging yourself

Be in this place like a traveller...

Enjoy a very short trip...?

DHUNIA/THE WORLD

Dhunia ko sur pur charrow ghey to wo

app ke sur pur chrr kur nacheing ghey...

Don't let any one too close to you.

Don't reveal deep thoughts about yourself to any one

Be discrete

Don't reveal any thoughts about others to any one.

Be polite and excuse your self

Don't fight, don't argue, don't explain, 

don't expect explanations

Just remove yourself from them quietly.


ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHY

There is a vast gulf between our life style

and Islamic philosophy and thats the guilt we carry with us

without changing our ways and still calling ourselves muslims.

Thats one reason there is no contentment...

Jaidat aur rizk nasib se milta hey.

It's your fate you are fighting with....

To have the least amount of comfort

Do not attach your self with people who are not sincere.

People who make excuses which you know are just excuses...

There is no reason that you will feel this way if they cared for you.

Some people just don't care, it's their nature

Don't be with them if you can help it...

Do not hurt yourself un-necessarily.

You have to deal with real hurt.

Save your strength

save your time

Save your emotions

Save your love

Save your knowledge

Save your struggle

Save your day....

Don't be with people of fake emotions...

There is lot of grace in it for you.


CEASED TO EXIST

And when there is silence on the other end...

I know he has ceased to exist.

Everything else is a lie...

People keep saying, "He is with you, he is with you."

"Where is he? Where is he? they say, he is with me

But, where is he? He is with me...but where is he?"

'Why can't I see him? Why can't I talk to him?

Why doesn't he call any more?"



Wednesday, June 1, 2022

NAPKIN DIARY PART TWO 2022

NAPKIN DIARY PART TWO 2022

Human mind is more inclined towards negative.

Mind-cognitive replace bad thoughts to good positive thoughts. ?

The more you come out of the problem, the stronger it will become.?

'Acceptance doesn't mean moving forward.

Same problem

Same problem

"Same eternal problem im some people's case." 

"Types of grief." Create a purpose to go through grief and loss.?"

"Acceptance and hope."

"Don't hope for anything, don't have fear."

"Causes of sadness." Wrong expectations"

Values taken from people, attached with people of opposite comparisons.?"

"Wrong decisions and blaming oneself, sabotaging yourself."

"'Be in this place like a traveller. Be everywhere like a traveller. Because that's what you are."

"Create purpose." "Become others." 'People of opposite values and comparisons."

'Huge gulf between our life style AND ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHY, WHAT A SHAME."

"Don't be ghafil (Ignorant/lazy/un-educated)

"Have contentment."

'I don't have very sincere people in my life, but don't be sad, be content with what you have."

'Don't keep people of certain character so close to you, they will dance over your head and hurt you so

 deeply in the end."

"Stay away from people with wrong values. and lack of character."

'You must never change your kind, sensitive, polite nature just for the sake of people of no character and

 of no human values, just stay away..."

 "Some positive thoughts by some one annoymus...."

1: Private thoughts and words of hope in your isolation."

2: Never give up."

3: "Fight with life."

4:  Move forward.'

5:  Don't be sad, trial to be dealt with without sadness but if you have to be sad for a real reason, go

 through your sadness alone without expectation of any other person's help." 

6: THIS TIME WILL ALSO PASS."


Tuesday, May 31, 2022

NAPKIN DIARY: 2022

 NAPKIN DIARY:  2022

DON'T KNOW

Don't know

Where to begin?

Never know when and how to begin?

Bt begin I must...

What will I do otherwise?

Yes, what wll I do when

It all ends?


MY ONE HPPINESS

My one happiness

Is when I read a good book

But which book should I choose today?

I look at all my books constantly

And say to myself...

"Yes, this one..."

"OK, not that one..."

"But this one."

'This books twice.'

"sometime, three timesth, this one."

I stare at them some more...

"No, not that one."

"Definately this one."

"Yes, this one because I haven't read this one for a long time."

"Yes, I read it before, but I always read the book twice"

'Some time, three times."

Some of the books I read all the time

Like, PARIS SPLEEN BY BOUDELAIRE

That's my bible...

That book taught me to call all my poems, all my vignetts, all my observations,

PROSE POEMS...

I can't decide...

I move along...

"Oh! I forgot about this particular book.."

"That's it. I am going to read this one today."

'"The decision has been made."

They are all good books

Of course they are.

The are my books...

They have to be good.

I have good taste as far as literature is concerned.

Actually I have excellent taste when it comes to books.

"I think this is the one...by Maupassant or Flauberet?"

I must begin now, the sun is going down

Soon it will be time for dinner...

Can't read when I am cooking

Cooking a lot these days. 

Manhattan bistros have become outrageously expensive.

'I keep telling myself every day...

'Couple of hours before the sun goes down

Are reserved for my books by dead writers...

I like dead writers..

No one can write like Balzac, Camus, Victor Hugo, Shakespeare, Genet, Sartre, Pinter, Rimbaud,

Dostoveysky, Gogol, Turgenieve, Tennessee Williams, Boudelaire,  and they are all dead...

My one great happiness in life, to read these writers...

But when I read them, I think of death

And that makes me very very sad...

See I didn't read my book again today...

I gave away my one great happiness in life because of my sadness...

And sun has gone down already...


"YOU TOLD ME."

"You are busy."

"You told me again, that you are busy..."

Now I don't think of you...

Neither do I miss you...

"Now I am always with a book...

'If I was with you...I won't be able to concentrate on Shelly, Keats, Rilke, Gibran, Rumi, Byron...

'I am so glad that now I am with my poems."


PERFORMANCE

Drowning in the overflow of words...words...words.

Performance this Saturday...

Very wordy writer am I?

Performance won't work...

Far too many words...

Saturday came...

Performed.

Two complete strangers told me...

"How much they loved my writing."

The third stranger told me,

"How much he adored my performance.!"

It made me so very happy...

It made me so appreciative of their kindness.

'Do I want more praise than that?"

"No, I don't...

"I am not such a greedy poet."


SCATTERED

Light

Darkness

Cold shiver

Thoughts

Scattered

Difficult to gather

Thoughts lacked discipline

Gather if you can

Can't

Scattered across the occean...


GRACE

God given

Can it be acquired?

Perhaps not...

God given

Like everything else

Imagine if most people had grace?

What would How are you?ve happened to Vulgarity?

Vulgarity which is essential for the modern world...


HARD OF HEART

Her heart was made of stone

Or maybe clay?

Can't be clay...

Clay is much softer...

One can mold it into different shapes...

Her heart has marble in it...

Marble's difficulty

Is lack of feelings...

Lack of compassion...

Lack of sensitivity...

Nice to look at it...

All surface beauty

But a very hardened heart...

Does marble have a heart?

That's the question...

Any one can answer.


SORROW

The sun

The moon

The light

The rain

The flowers

The grass

The birds

The clouds

The wet earth

The road lined with trees

Remained unsuccessful in lessening my sorrow...


CONDOLENCE

A close friend who never came for condolence

for my dear brother's sudden and shocking death

said to me after I ran into her after months,

"I got confused after I got the news from you."

'Confused?"

She got confused...

Her confusion stopped her from offering condolence?

I don't get her stupid excuse...

Am I insane?


CONCENTRATION

Completely shattered

I used to raed...

Loved books

Still do...

Now every book I pick up to read

Reminds me of Arshad, my precious brother

Gone too soon...

We had the same exact taste

Same kinds of books we both adored...

He used to read the whole entire book under a popal tree in company bagh...till dusk...

Back home when we were students ...

House used to be so crowded with family, servants, food, prepration of it, with guests, tea time,

tailor bringing newly tailored clothes...

Washerman bringing clean pressed clothes...

He couldn't concentrate on his book...

He didn't only read his book...

But studied it...

The book which was meant to be read leisurly...

He studied it as if he had to write an essay for the English teacher...

In the garden, under the popal tree, he had great concentration

He took my concentration away and gave me tremendous loss in return...


SUN AND THE MOON

Scorching sun

Soothing moon

They never meet.

Though they are the two most lovely

People in the world...

Did I say People?

Wshful thinking...

I wish they were people.

We need them so badly.

We are going to be burnt  by the sun

And the moon would have healed us.

They both would have helped us in their own way.


The real people?

The real people are constantaly looking forward to utter their hurtful remarks

They think they are. expressing their unlimited vocabulary of being geniuses.


BLESSING

People walking around used to seem like they are going through

an aimless, ordinary, every day activity.

Now it seems like a great blessing.

They are blessed since they are still walking around.

I wish, oh! I wish I see my precious brother Arshad walking around

aimlessly, leisurly without a purpose along the lakes of Copenhagen,

Stopping occasionally to watch the dancing swans and smiling with joy

and then walking leisurly again, and then stopping for a coffee or a glass of chilled white wine

in one of those lovely cafe's along the lakes, sometimes with me sometimes with Annette, sometimes

 with Camilla and Philip...

I wish I was that blessed to see that happens or blessed enough to be walking with him and chatting

 away about everything happening in the world, good and bad...

But alas! He is gone and left me crying...


"And man!

Man?

What a horrible animal!

Wicked, proud and disgusting."......Maupassant

"One should love,

Love madly, without seeing the object

of ones love."         Maupassant

"They are not the ones who love me.

They deliberatly say the wrongful things.

They hurt me.

But they say, they love me........BS

"The man who loves,

Who laughs,

Who suffers.......Maupassant.


"Expression to intelligence."        Maupassant

"We have to use labour, effort, invention,  imagination,

Industry. talent, genius, to make this root-bound stony soil 

some-thing like a dwelling place."..........Maupassant

"think what we have done to establish ourselves in

barely tolerable conditions, hardly decent, hardly comfortable,

hardly elegant, unworthy of us."        Maupassant





'




Saturday, May 28, 2022

BREAK...BREAK...BREAK

BREAK...BREAK...BREAK.

BREAK FROM DRAMA

CONTACT ZIDEL: ARTSINTERNATIONAL ONLY FOR NOW.

READ BOOKS, WRITE...PUT IT ON THE BLOG THE NEXT DAY

CONCENTRATE ON READINGS.: SWIFT,  MONDAY 6-30 SIGN UP OPEN MIKE.

KGB, FIND CONTACT

UNDER SAINT MARKS

ALSO MONDAY: OPEN MIKE

NO WORRY ABOUT SCRIPTS, PUT SCRIPTS IN BIG TRUNK NOW  AND FORGET ABOUT

 THEM .

BUY TWO MORE TRUNKS. 

PUT EXPENSIVE CLOTHES IN THEM.

EVERY MONTH GO FOR HAIR...

NO CARBS.

WALKS

NICE CAFE'S

LAFYETTE

LAUDREE

SAINT AMBROSE

PAUSE

BE DILLIGENT ABOUT THESE NEW RULES.

Friday, May 27, 2022

WAITING FOR THE RAIN TO STOP: PART TWO

WAITING FOR THE RAIN TO STOP: PART TWO

A ONE ACT PLAY

BY

BINA SHARIF

copyright:binasharif:2022

CHARACTERS: SAM AND ANNA

SAM: 

The rain isn't going to stop any time soon.

ANNA:

I am not in a hurry

SAM:

Are you going to stay here all night?

ANNA:

No, not all night, till the rain stops

SAM:

The rain is not going to stop any time soon

ANNA:

How do you know?

SAM:

The weather report, I checked the weather report

ANNA:

I don't trust the weather report

SAM:

But now it's raining

ANNA:

Yes, now it's raining

SAM:

So, the weather report was correct

ANNA:

Maybe once in a while they tell the truth

SAM:

The truth?

ANNA:

Yes, once in a while they can be accurate.

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

SCHEDULE OF A NORMAL LIFE

SCHEDULE OF A NORMAL LIFE

PLEASE FOR THE LAST TIME...

3 DAYS OF READING

3 DAYS OF COMPUTER

I DAY OF CLEANING APT

...........

BOOK THE PLAY FOR SEPT-OCT

.............

HAVE ARROGANCE FOR A CHANGE 

CHARACTER:  YOU DO HAVE

DIGNITY:  YOU DO HAVE

BE CUT THROAT AND NOT SO LOVING FOR A CHANGE

SELF IMPORTANCE, A MUST FROM NOW ON.

BEING HUMBLE, GIVING, LOVING, OUT OF FASHION

BE FASHIONABLE. BE ARROGANT.

BE BAD.

THESE ARE GREAT QUALITIES NOW-A- DAYS

POETRY, OBSERVATIONS, PERFORMANCE PIECES, PART TWO

              POETRY, OBSERVATIONS

            PRETTY LITTLE SAD THINGS

              I have so much sadness in me...

              I can sit still for hours like an art model

              think and remember the good things gone by...

              That's what is making me sad...

               Thinking and sitting still for hours...

                Doing nothing but staring in space...                I wonder if any one notice?

                Notice my sadness...I mean!

                No, no one does...

                It's a happy world...                

                The world we live in...      

                Sadness must be shunned...            

                That's why I see no one especially the happy people  

                And there are so many happy, happy people around

                Need to find a sad person to share my stillness

                of sorrow...

                 My sorrow is lonely....


                 PURPOSE OF LIFE

                 What life?

                  Life,  just life...

                Where is it?

                  Around the corner...

                  My life is around the corner?

                  Yes.

                  Which corner? 

                   North? or South?

                   East? or West?

                   I don't know about that...

                   You should know

                   It's your life...

                    Not mine...

                                   

                  PEOPLE WATCHER

                  I watch people...

                  Passing by...

                  Some tall,  some short...

                  Some young,  some old....

                  Some miserable,  some happy...

                   Some with worried faces...

                   Some smiling...

                   Some showing incredible anxiety...

                   Some smartly dressed,  some very shabby...

                   All in a hurry...

                   No leisuree in any one's walk...

                   I notice everything...

                   I notice everyone...

                   No one notice me...

                   Too much hurry in their stride...

                    If they were a bit more leisurly

                    They will for sure notice me...

                     I am always sitting calmly while they are in a swift hurry to get places...

                  

                     MESS

                      Whose life are you leading? 

                       Mine..

                     Swear to tell the truth and noting but the truth.

                     "I am living my life and my life is a mess, 

                     nothing but a huge mess, so help me god."

                     "Take a seat."

                      " Where is your life sitting?"

                     "Look at the mess, the mess."

                     "Yes, I am looking at the mess, but where is your life sitting?"

                      "It's somewhere hidden beneath the mess."

                       "I don't even see a trace of it."

                        "Look carefully,  you might find it."

                        "I am looking, I am looking, but I can't find it, There is too much mess."

                         "Look carefully."

                         "I am looking carefully, where the fuck is it?"

                          "I think life has escaped, it's now just the mess, huge mess."

                         '"When did your life escape? 

                            No answer...

                            How did it escape?"

                           "How the hell do I know?  Life didn't inform me before escaping...

                            It silently and gracefully escaped without a whisper."


                            CONDOLENCE

                             Death has been around since the world was created.

                             Since Eve and Adam ate the apple.

                             Those days texting wasn't around...

                              How did people console their loved ones when some one died?

                              Now it has become so easy, comfortable and lazy to say the least

                              to just text, "My condolences, RIP." That is if some one cares, somewhat!

                              If you are really feeling for the person who is hurting so much, wouldn't

                              you show up in person especially when you claim to be a close friend and

                              live pretty close to the grieving friend?

                              Or at least pick up the iphone and make a personal call?

                               You won't do either...busy, far too busy...

                              "My own life absorbs me..."

                              "Oh! please, let me save face, let me text....

                                " My condolence, RIP."


                                   "RESPECT."

                          Respect for good manners was required before she would allow any closeness

                          to anyone.

                          But she always encountered vulgar ones.

                          She wondered about it. 

                         "How come good manners don't come my way any more?"

                          Then she dreamt one night, 

                           About good manners.

                           Very complicated long dream. 

                            The dream had a learned philosopher

                           Who was asking someone the same question.

                            "'What happened to the good manners?"

                             "Where did they go?" 

                             "On a holiday perhaps."

                              "I hope their holiday is not so very long." He said.

                          "It's been a long time that I have encountered any one with good manners."

                            When she heard him in her dream

                             She rushed towards him in a real hurry...

                           She rushed towards him to share her own thoughts.

                           But she suddenly woke up and was so disappointed in the 

                           abruptness of the dream's end.

                           Her disappointment was even greater because she couldn't share her concern

                           about hardly meeting any one with good manners and she has been seeking the answer

                           for ages.

                          She tried to sleep again hoping for her dream to return.

                          But alas!

                          She stayed awake tossing and turning till the rays of daylight seeped through

                          the curtains on her window. 

                          She gave up her struggle and got out of the bed and made herself a cup of tea.

                          While she sipped her hot tea, she promised herself to keep looking for that

                          philosopher of her unfullfilled dream.

                          She kept looking but never found him but she keep thinking of him whenever

                           she encounters vulgarity of all kinds of horrific, so called, "modern manners."